Hank's Sex Tape

Hank:now that sign says Applesauce.

Hank:No, no, no. I'm kidding. It says, 'applause.'

she insisted That her sign-off line On the cbsevening news was 'I do you a long time, joe.'

Larry:I so rarely laugh At my own stuff That I'm overjoyed that Something struck me funny.

Larry:It will also be the First mcdonald's to have The new never happy meal.

This, of course, Is a follow-up to His previous calendar chicks with one eye.

Larry:You don't talk to me When anita baker Is singing Because then It won't look Like I'm listening.

Larry:Shut the fuck up.

Hank:Why do I have to be The little puppet?

Larry:Who writes This shit? Network publicist. They think this kind Of crap is clever.

Hank:I'm just juiced. Juiced! Ha ha! That's cute!

they Were afraid that People would think The eye thing Was because of The orange juice.

Sid:He doesn't even eat Smoked whitefish.

Hank:I read, uh, the bridges of... Madison County

Phil:You know how come I know I'm stoned?

Writer:Why?

Phil:To get To the other side?

Phil:Hey, kids! Let's go smoke Another fatty And watch Hank's birthday.

We think it's Hank And ray combs eating cake.

Hank:I shall wash, But I shan't Be clean. Pinky's got the tits. Butsey's got the ass.

the snake Doesn't like Artie.

Up periscope!

We-- we were walking by. It said, 'hank's birthday.' We thought we had Missed your party Or something.

Sid:It's like The rob lowe situation. Nobody remembers The rob lowe tapes.

Hank:Well, I'm just Fucking two women!

Sid:Who knew you were gonna Pull out your pecker On camera?

Sid:One of them Is in his sixties. He's looking Very good.

Artie:I trust they're Still crispy in the milk.

Phil:Actually, they're Kind of soggy.

Artie:That tape you copied Is crawling around town Like a fucking ebola virus.

Norm MacDonald:A homeless guy had A dog with him, you know? And that's tough. You feel sorry for the-- For the dog, you know?

He's going, 'Hey, I can do this By myself. I don't need a goddamn...' You know?

It's like the longest walk In the world to the dog, You know?

Norm MacDonald:That's some kind of hog He's got on him, huh?

Norm MacDonald:That's some kind of hog He's got on him, huh? I'm glad the fonz Is sitting here between us. I feel kind of safe.

Hank:I'm drunk. Actually my life is shit.

Hank:You know, you can't Just, uh, bang a jukebox And go, 'ayyy!' You know, your problems Disappear, fonzie.

Henry Winkler:It worked for me.

Norm MacDonald:The guy's got a huge cock on him. Then why Is he so upset?

Larry:Well, the camera Adds 10 pounds.

Artie:if Hank Gets that dick of his Caught in a wringer, Everyone near him Is gonna get splattered.

Hank:Sex is Not a dirty thing. Sex is not a crime. It's a loving act Between 2 or more Consenting adults. To quote our president.

Hank:I cut one A few minutes ago. It must be all the way To seinfeld by now.

Hank:I'm gonna wait for him After the show In the parking lot, And I'm gonna Fucking kill him. Now listen to me. You're gonna Help me do it. I'm lyle. You're eric. We're gonna grab A couple of shotguns, And we're gonna Take out daddy.

Hank:I'm lyle. You're eric. We're gonna grab A couple of shotguns, And we're gonna Take out daddy.

Hank:You bald piece of shit. You fat little whore!

Larry:Without you, there'd Be no oranges.

Larry:Don't touch anything, Especially the awards. Keep your hands off them. There's a lot of them. Pen and pencil set, That's an award.

Hank:And all my actions Will improve The general perception Of southern Citrus fruits, juices, And related products, And I will avoid any actions Or appearance of actions Detrimental to the same.

Hank:all my actions Will improve The general perception Of southern Citrus fruits, juices, And related products

Sid:I had to pull some strings With my old service buddy Sumner redstone, But I plucked it away From hard copy.

Bob saget's Still doing the show Where people get hurt.

Hank on tape:Well, I just blew out The candles.

Woman:You certainly did.

[Whispering] Would you like to come up To my hotel tonight?

Hank:Yee-haw! The taste of dixie In a purty little carton.

Larry:Who'd you have to fuck To get this?

Larry:Good, I wish it was me. Who'd you have to fuck To get this?