Paula has trouble booking guests for sweeps week, so she leans on Larry to ask his friend Jeff Goldblum, who in turn offers to help Larry get a date with a network publicist.
WAR
48.3
Wins Above Replacement
“Nothing Personal” ranks #90 of 90 The Larry Sanders Show episodes on the Humor Index, scoring 77.6 — Great. The episode packs 68 scored jokes at 2.8 per minute, averaging 6.8 on craft and 6.6 on impact, with Larry Sanders landing the most laughs. Every joke is ranked below with its individual craft and impact scores.
Get weekly comedy rankings
Join comedy fans getting new analyses, score drops, and the funniest moments each week. Free, no spam.
Top Jokes
Hank: Any chance we could use that to make her look like a cunt?
Hank Kingsley · Randy Quaid: Well, you should know there was a shooting and a beating and a killing and a stabbing there. Well, they have a competitive side as well.
Paula: Michael chiklis.
Artie: Who in hell is Michael chiklis?
Paula: The commish.
Artie: No, that was my imitation of America. Who the hell is Michael chiklis?
Artie · Larry Sanders: Christ. I'm sorry that your date didn't work out, but let's just put this all behind us, 'cause we've got a show to do. Don't want to.
Larry: I can't imagine why Brian wouldn't come in here and tell us that Hank's coming in. It doesn't sound like him, does it?
Artie: I know. Wow.
All Jokes — 68 analyzed
Show all ↓ Hide ↑ Warm-up comedian: That sign says, 'apple sauce.' No, no, no. I'm kidding. It says, 'applause.'
Hank: And now, because there's nowhere left to run, Larry Sanders!
Larry: Trust me, your response only means you have to get out of the house more.
She is said to be devastated, and really has no idea where she will find a husband now.
Larry: I think it was really the stress of dragging, you know, that big, fat ass through the obstacle course.
Larry: Boy, he told her not to tell anyone, but evidently it slipped out at a pep rally.
Larry: They're actually standard, normal, factory minivans that will be converted to taxis by spitting on the windshields, slashing the seats, and putting used condoms down on the floor.
Paula: Melissa gilbert.
Artie: Oh, for Christ's sake. How are you gonna generate some heat around Melissa gilbert? Ladies and gentlemen, Melissa gilbert! Wa-hoo!
Paula: Michael chiklis.
Artie: Who in hell is Michael chiklis?
Paula: The commish.
Artie: No, that was my imitation of America. Who the hell is Michael chiklis?
Paula: So we don't have him?
Artie: We don't have him, but I thought since you were friends with him, you could ask him.
Larry: Why don't you ask one of your friends?
Paula: OK. I'll ask my friend Jill.
Larry: Great. Jill who?
Paula: You don't know her. She works at killer shrimp.
Larry: I have that on a poster with a little kitty hanging off a bar.
Larry: Have you seen the poster that says, 'a rule is a rule, and I'm sitting on a toilet'?
Artie Wordplay/Pun Deadpan/Understatement Callback Susan: Melissa gilbert.
Artie: Yahoo.
Artie: Or, as I call him, the knish.
Artie: Yes, but I wish he was alive and here and on the show tonight.
Susan: Yeah. So do I. I'd settle for freddie prinze at this point.
Artie Character Comedy Observational Beverly: She had a 2-year relationship with a grip at abc and an intense week with Scott bakula, and just ended a very painful relationship with macgyver.
Hank: what the fuck are you talking about? I don't want to ask her.
Susan: If I didn't work for him, I'd be all over that.
Hank: You know, goddamn him and that talking car. No, no, no. That's David Hasselhoff. Macgyver's the... Richard Dean Anderson.
Hank: Oh. What does that mean? Is he a Drama queen?
Larry: I can't imagine why Brian wouldn't come in here and tell us that Hank's coming in. It doesn't sound like him, does it?
Artie: I know. Wow.
Larry: Larry Sanders, 551. All clear. Huh? No. Just hold that one. Thank you.
Hank: Fucking bitch! She's going after the lookaround cafe.
Larry: Oh, fuck the beach house. It's a rental.
Hank: Well, you told everyone you owned the beach house.
Larry: I do in the summer.
Larry: This is no big deal. Last week, they did a tribute to steven seagal.
Jeff Goldblum: What are they all doing now? I wonder.
Waiter: These are from the yucatán peninsula.
Larry: What is wrong with you?
Hank: I guess you guys in publicity are having a real good laugh. Married on TV, and a year later, cancelled.
Hank: Any chance we could use that to make her look like a cunt?
Susan Deadpan/Understatement Reaction Beat Callback Larry: A huge fucking baby. We're talkin' about, uh, Hank, right?
Larry: And listen. Seriously, you must feel free to say no if this is not something you want to do. You're a love. That's what I love about you. You're my hero, see?
Jeff Goldblum: I've been waiting for you to ask me. I mean, you know, I was hoping to do the show, and last night, you know, with the booker, when she asked me, you got all funny with her.
Jeff Goldblum: No, and take your shit show and shove it up your big, fat ass?
Artie: Pussy alert! Pussy alert! Susan's here. She's coming on the hot asphalt.
Larry: Pussy alerts are just not as much fun as they used to be.
Larry: Doing everybody's job.
Larry: and Phil. Phil. Huh? Phil got you already?
Susan: Yeah, he did.
Larry: I'm up at 9:30, right at the crack of, uh...
Hank: Hey. Goldbl... is it 'blum' or 'bloom'? It's, uh, 'bloom,' oh. Well, welcome to the show.
Jeff Goldblum: Like 2 lovebirds in a cherry tree.
Artie: maybe book David viscott. Viscott! 2 t's.
Hank Deadpan/Understatement Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Callback Hank: Well, you should know there was a shooting and a beating and a killing and a stabbing there.
Susan · Larry Sanders: I'm so bushed. I go home, I go to sleep immediately. I understand. It's a dull existence.
Larry Sanders: I barely get enough sleep myself. I'm up at 9:30, right at the crack of, uh...
Susan · Larry Sanders: You know, it's nothing personal. It really isn't. I get up early. Didn't take it that way. Yeah, good.
Artie · Larry Sanders: You need to be protected, and that's my fault, because I should've asked her to go out with you, very insensitive of me. Fucking… fucking mean. And I'm just begging you to accept my apology.
Larry Sanders: Don't want to. (Larry's response to being told they have a show to do)
Artie · Larry Sanders: Hey, sweetheart, you know who's out there? Jeff Goldblum, your good buddy. Come on. Come on with me, sweetheart. Let's say hello to him. Don't want to. You don't want to? No.
Larry Sanders · Jeff Goldblum: So, how's everything going with Laura Dern? 'Cause in relationships a lot of times have a lot of ups and downs, so you guys, you know, up or down? Going up. You're up. Great.
Hank Kingsley · Jeff Goldblum: I must tell you that, uh, Jurassic Park, it just changed my life. Which is my dressing room? Uh, 3, on the right.
Larry Sanders · Jeff Goldblum: Is it too bright in here for you? Huh? Oh, sorry.
Jeff Goldblum · Susan · Larry Sanders: Listen, we're gonna have dinner after the show. Do you want to join us? Oh, I'd love to. Yes. Thank you. Great. Great. And you, too. You come, too. We'll make it the four of us.
Jeff Goldblum · Susan · Larry Sanders: Laura and I are having dinner after the show with her mom. Oh, Diane. Yeah, that's right, Susan. That's right. But listen, that's no reason why the two of you can't go to dinner with each other.
Jeff Goldblum: And why not? Yes. There we go. Like 2 lovebirds in a cherry tree.
Artie: Next time he's having a fucking nervous breakdown, maybe book David Viscott. Viscott! 2 t's.
Artie Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement Hank Kingsley · Randy Quaid: We're lucky to have you here tonight, and I want to thank you for taking time out of your busy schedule to delight us with your... thank you. With my... with what you have.
Hank Kingsley: Well, don't mind me. I'm just in the middle of a divorce.
Hank Kingsley Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement ★ Rewatch Callback Hank Kingsley · Randy Quaid: I'm giving her the Lookaround Cafe. Well, there is a lucky lady. That's wonderful. That's gonna be very successful. Your ex-wife is gonna do very well.
Hank Kingsley · Randy Quaid: Well, you should know there was a shooting and a beating and a killing and a stabbing there. Well, they have a competitive side as well.
Larry Sanders · Susan: Hey, why don't you come back tomorrow night, and we'll watch the show again. Uh, Larry, I think that maybe... we should keep this relationship just on a professional level, don't you? Oh, yeah. Yes, absolutely. I... that... I'm very comfortable with that.
Susan · Larry: Larry, I think that maybe we should keep this relationship just on a professional level, don't you? Oh, yeah. Yes, absolutely. L... that... I'm very comfortable with that.
Artie · Larry Sanders: Christ. I'm sorry that your date didn't work out, but let's just put this all behind us, 'cause we've got a show to do. Don't want to.
Top Episodes — The Larry Sanders Show
