Brother, Can You Spare 1.2 Million?

Hank:I was almost killed on the way here. I'm on the 101, and all of a sudden the entire cast of miss Saigon comes out of nowhere and tries to sideswipe me.

Hank:These asians... I mean, they must have a deal with the dmv. They... they keep getting the licenses.

Hank:Oh, it's an aids thing, right?

Larry:Oh, you know about it?

Hank:No, but it's always an aids thing.

Hank:Well, how does a dollar a mile sound?

Larry:20 whole dollars. Can a cure be far behind?

Larry:Happy to. How's 20 bucks a mile?

Hank:Oh, that's great. That's $400.

Larry:What is the cause, aids? Yeah, make it 25.

Larry:It'd be nice to get some from a woman occasionally, wouldn't it?

Artie:A few seconds ago, I saw Meg Ryan's head floating above my credenza.

Larry:No, my... my interior designer's named bryn mawr.

Beverly:Oh, uh, no, Bob told me he makes a lot more money using that name.

Beverly:Well, he said this one is from portugal, so it'll cost you 6,000 extra.

Artie:Heh. Iordy, I did some grand humping in portugal. I got a mysterious itch in lisbon.

Larry:You know, it's getting more and more difficult to pretend you're not here.

Larry:Well, let's go with the one from portugal. Because, you know, if I get the cheaper one, then I'm always gonna think there's a better tile in portugal.

I don't know what you've heard about us, Mr... bobo.

Bobo:Mr. Bobo.

Bobo:No, just bobo.

All right, I can see what's going on. You're one of those clowns who's always on.

[Water spraying sound] Oh! There you go. Jesus Christ.

Larry:Is it me, or does this suck?

Larry:I mean, I hate this sketch.

Hank:Yeah. So do I.

You must get laid a lot, huh?

Bobo:It's the shoe thing, you know? The kick size, dick size.

Bobo:Yeah, these are bruno maglis size 112.

Larry:How much, Frank?

Frank:Uh, a double, I guess, please.

Larry:I mean, how much is left?

Frank:I told you that it would like this in the fourth quarter.

Larry:No, you didn't.

Frank:Yeah, I did. L... when we were at the Ivy...

Larry:no.

Frank:I warned you when you were...

Larry:yes, when you were tipping the valet.

Frank:No, you didn't.

Frank:I don't drink.

Larry:Well, you just asked me for a drink.

Frank:I don't think that's the case.

Larry:You just asked me for a drink.

Larry:Are you an idiot? Answer me. Answer me, you stupid shit. Are you an idiot? / Get the fuck out of the office!

Frank:What the fuck's the matter with him today?

Hank:It's been over 3 hours, and the man hasn't moved a muscle. Something tells me we won't be doing a show tonight.

Hank:Between my fucking ex-wife and the... and the ponies, I'm lucky if I can swing postage.

Hank:You're gonna be wiping your ass with $100 bills.

Larry:You fucker. Don't ever do that to me again.

Artie:I'll go over there and bounce that little fucker out the window.

Artie:What? Ha ha. Just kidding.

Artie:You know, but I do know a couple of guys who can be helpful... one quick phone call.

Larry:I fired my accountant this week because evidently, he invested my money in a company that had plans to install tampon dispensers at the citadel.

Larry:I just found out my accountant has a 3-tiered system, actually, win, place, and show.

Paula:And about the walkathon, you don't have to feel obligated to...

Larry:Paula, come on. I'm not destitute, for God's sake.

Larry:How much was it?

Paula:I think it was 25 doll... you know what? It was $10 a mile.

Larry:That's fine.

Paula:It was $5.00 a mile.

Larry:If it's $5.00 a mile, that's fine.

Larry:That would be your uncle?

Phil:Yeah. That's right. Ah. Mm-hmm.

Larry:Yeah. Listen, this doesn't have a happy ending, does it, Phil?

Phil:No. I'm sorry.

Phil:God, I suck at cheering people up.

Hank:We got him back for you. We nailed him. The two us, Artie and me. That little cocksucker Frank is down. It was beautiful.

Artie:It's a trellis. It's a trellis. / And this trellis... this is a gorgeous trellis. It's just... just gorgeous. And we stood there. We admired it for quite a while. Then I burned it down.

Hank:Ha! Not now there ain't.

Larry:There's no trellis at his new house. There's a trellis at his old house... not at his new house... the one on Benedict canyon that he just moved into.

Hank:You know, when that asian woman came out of the house screaming, I just thought she was the housekeeper.

Stevie:9 shows a night, every half hour. You know, it's like vaudeville days.

Larry:Is the car gonna be a compact, also?

Larry:I like it. / I like it. Hot in the summer. Heh.

Frank:I got a drinking problem. For the last 2 years, I've been off and on antidepressants. I hate my life, Larry.

Larry:So this is 5% of what I lost?

Frank:Well, more or less.

Larry:Where's the rest?

Frank:Well, I'm working on it, man.

Frank:But for now... we're square, right?

Larry:What do you mean, we're square, Frank?

Beverly:These are the chins. Uh, edward and allison. And edward's mother, whose name I'm not gonna even try to pronounce.

Larry:I'm so sorry about the Margaret cho show.

Larry:Then let's go with the cheaper one because, uh, why waste the money?

Apparently, some nut drove up on the sidewalk and ran over his foot.

Stevie · Larry:Stevie's pitch call: 'Kentucky Fried Chicken. What does that mean? Spokesman. You. One year.'

Larry · Stevie:'So I'm the new Colonel Sanders?' / 'Ha! Funny. I'll pitch that.'

Stevie:'Hey, take this the right way, but I wish you'd go broke every day.'

Stevie:Lindsay Wagner needed 'one of the trucks' to cart her Ford payment home

Stevie · Larry:'Caesar's or MGM?' / 'Whichever one pays more.' / 'How about both? 9 shows a night, every half hour. It's like the vaudeville days.'

Lexus Executive · Artie · Larry:The Lexus executive asks Larry to read the copy standing up 'like you would if you were actually doing the commercial'; Artie: 'I'll be the camera, and the coffee table's the car.'

Larry:'Is the car gonna be a compact, also?' (Larry about Artie the 'camera' sitting small next to the coffee-table 'car')

Lexus Executive · Larry:The leather interior exchange: 'The leather interior? How do you feel about it?... Does it make you feel good? Do you like it?' / 'I like it.' / 'Hot in the summer. Heh.'

Lexus Executive:'That's what I thought.' (Executive's reaction to 'Hot in the summer')

Frank · Larry:Frank shows up at Larry's home late at night to confess: drinking problem, antidepressants, 'I hate my life, Larry. I hate being a fucking accountant.'

Frank · Larry:Frank gives Larry money in an envelope — 'but it's your fees from over the years... I obviously didn't earn 'em. So this is 5% of what I lost?' / 'Well, more or less.'

Frank · Larry:Frank returns Larry's fees — 'It's your fees from over the years, all right? I obviously didn't earn 'em.' Larry: 'So this is 5% of what I lost?' Frank: 'Well, more or less.'

Frank:'But for now... we're square, right?' (Frank to Larry after returning 5% of the money he lost)

Frank · Larry:Frank reveals someone set fire to his old house and says 'I got the message' — Larry denies any knowledge

Larry · Artie:Larry introduces the Chin family to his staff — the victims of the accidental trellis burning — as people 'whose home was vandalized a few days ago'

Larry:'I'm so sorry about the Margaret Cho show.'

Larry · Beverly:Larry reverses his tile decision — this time choosing the CHEAPER one — immediately after the financial crisis

Beverly · Larry · Artie:Frank has been run over by 'some nut who drove up on the sidewalk'

Larry · Artie · Hank:Frank's 'plan is working' — he got his money back and Frank was scared enough to return fees; Artie drily congratulates Larry on his 'adult' plan