The P.A.

Larry:Yeah, and those are big cups.

Larry:I feel like I have 20 pounds of wet sand in my head.

Larry:I was nuttier in the late eighties.

Cully:Hey, dad, where's the crapper? I gotta drop the kids off at the pool.

Larry:What a freak. What a big fucking freak.

Larry:Talk up. They're in the crapper, for God's sakes.

Larry:I was just thinking he's got such a great personality, maybe he should be the receptionist.

Larry:You remember that summer we hired sheldon's son and we caught him in the xerox room with a copy of hustler? Remember what he was doing?

Larry:What am I, a pussy? Why don't I send him something nice like a parasol and some earrings?

Hank:If you're within an 8-foot radius, whoop it up.

Hank:Don't lip off to the head rooster, you're set.

Larry:honestly, like some kind of cardboard shit.

Larry:That's the kissing disease. Don't kiss me!

Artie:I got fruit baskets comin' out of my ass.

Cully:Dad, that network dipshit is sitting in your office waiting for you.

Cully:It's not as thrilling as un-jamming the xerox machine, but no, I do not mind.

Cully:Hey, slim pants, yogurt?

Hank:No, thanks, fat pants.

Cully:Non-dairy is strawberry swirl, or as I like to call it, the queer's delight.

I'll have that.

Lar will have queer's delight.

Paula:I think he's very sexy, and I'd like to sleep with him.

Paula:Good. I'm so tired of all the neurotic pussies around here.

Hank:Well, maybe he went to 'this can't be yogurt.' Where's that? It's right near 'what is this, yogurt?' You know, I don't care if he goes to 'hey, that's my asshole.' I just want some yogurt.

Larry:Actually, I... I... I prefer it... extra-wet. It's, uh, more like real yogurt.

Artie:Everyone screws up the yogurt. I used to screw it up back when it was ice cream, and my car smelled like rotten milk, but that's show biz.

Cully:You get to wear shorts, drive around with the door open. It's perfect in this fucking heat.

Larry:I noticed that the armrest was missing and the seats were very, uh, sticky.

Larry:No one else has ever sat behind the wheel of my bentley except for the 3 previous owners and now... our cully.

Cully:Yeah, especially since I drove my shitbox into the bus shelter.

Larry:That b-12 shot's doing no good whatsoever. Actually, maybe I should get a shot in each cheek, because one half of my ass feels like it's alive and rarin' to go and the other half feels depressed... and lonely.

Larry:Just look at kiefer sutherland.

Larry:Tell him I'm uncomfortable around new people... that you don't like anyone who's younger than you, that you're still mad about that 'queer's delight' crack.

Cully:With me gone, he'll have you all to himself.

Artie:Why, because cully hasn't learned how to kiss ass yet like everybody else around here?

Larry:I just wanted my frozen yogurt frozen, that's all.

Larry King:I can see this is a double Larry day.

Larry:In the name of the sweet baby Jesus, why am I so fat?

Cully:Really? Thanks for telling me, because I wouldn't know what a magazine is. I'm a moron.

Look, I'm sorry that you're a 50-year-old p.a., but that's not really my fault.

Artie:Not after you stabbed the great one with a fork!

Cully:I was 6 years old. He was comin' at me.

Cully:Parr, gleason, cavett, and now Larry. It's always the same. Larry, a guy who's so limp, he's like a fucking sock.

Artie:Don't you dare call Larry a sock!

Larry:Maybe he'll get that job at ups that he wanted.

Cully:I saw them my first day on the job. I saw the package. I said, 'let me take this to Larry personally.' I spaced. I left it in the trunk of the car.

Larry:Isn't tampering with the mail a felony?

Beverly:Yeah, well, he's Artie's son.

Chris Isaak · Unknown · Artie:Producer's kid or something? Yeah, that's the producer's son. He's a good boy. Good-looking boy.

Larry Sanders:The doctor stuck a needle in the fleshy part of my ass. That's how it was.

Larry Sanders:I should never have hired Cully to work here. He fucked up Hank's car, he had Chris Isaak on the phone for 20 minutes. He's rude to everyone except Paula.

Artie:Nepotism is always bad. Just look at Kiefer Sutherland.

Larry Sanders · Beverly:Tell him I'm uncomfortable around new people. Yeah, tell him that, uh... that you're uncomfortable around new people... that you don't like anyone who's younger than you, that you're still mad about that 'queer's delight' crack. Just tell him the new people part.

Cully:Larry's uncomfortable around new people? What a crock of shit. As long as I've known Larry, he's been uncomfortable with new people. So fucking what?

Cully:It's not new people, it's me. He doesn't want me around. With me gone, he'll have you all to himself.

Artie:Oh, Christ, I hate this fucking near beer.

Cully:Dad, don't fire me just because Larry's jealous. For once in your life, stand up to him. He'll respect you and so will I.

Larry Sanders · Unknown:We have a wonderful show tonight. Mr. Larry King will be here. Good. Eli, those pants are a little snug. Will you take them out in the area?

Artie · Hank Kingsley · Artie:Why, because Cully hasn't learned how to kiss ass yet like everybody else around here? I just wanted my frozen yogurt frozen, that's all. Frozen it shall be, with sprinkles on it.

Larry King · Larry Sanders:Who have you had on the show? We had president Clinton last week. Have you had him? Soon. Oh, we had Arafat, King Hussein, and Rabin, all together. No, we're an entertainment show here.

Artie:I can see this is a double Larry day.

Larry King · Artie:You know who you ought to have on? Brando. / I can't stop eating.

Larry King · Larry Sanders · Artie:In the name of the sweet baby Jesus, why am I so fat? No, you're not fat at all. You're voluptuous. You have a great body. I'm fat. That's fat. Look at that. Yeah, that is fat, isn't it? Touch it. Just touch a little bit of that. Some of that's muscle, though.

Hank Kingsley · Cully:Hey, Cully, were you able to get my magazines? The L.A. Times is on your table. Well, the L.A. Times is not a magazine. You see, Spin, People, Entertainment Weekly, those are magazines. Really? Thanks for telling me, because I wouldn't know what a magazine is. I'm a moron.

Hank Kingsley · Cully:Well, when you say the L.A. Times is a magazine, you sound like a moron. Get your own magazines. I'm not your errand boy. Look, I'm sorry that you're a 50-year-old P.A., but that's not really my fault.

Hank Kingsley:Ow! Shit! Ow! What the hell was that?! Jesus!

Unknown Page (Betsy) · Cully:Hi, Cully. (Beat.) Shit. What? I had something going on with that one. Wasn't exclusive.

Artie · Cully:Don't get involved with people you work with, no matter how sullen they are. Phil started it.

Cully · Artie:Don't you want to hear my side? No. Doesn't matter. Ha ha. You never want to hear my side since I'm 5 years old, right?

Cully · Artie:I broke the window, I stole the money that time. Yeah, I'm always the fuck up, right? ... Not after you stabbed the Great One with a fork! I was 6 years old. He was comin' at me.

Cully:Parr, Gleason, Cavett, and now Larry. It's always the same.

Cully · Artie:Larry, a guy who's so limp, he's like a fucking sock. Don't you dare call Larry a sock!

Cully · Artie:Look at you! You're a fucking cheerleader for Larry! Larry! Larry! Larry! Hey!

Cully:Look at you! You're a fucking cheerleader for Larry! Larry! Larry! Larry! Hey!

Artie · Cully:You're fired! OK.

Cully:OK, this goes to Larry King, this to Valerie Harper, and the cactus goes to the comic.

Larry Sanders · Artie:You know, you're being too hard on yourself. Horseshit. You're being too hard on yourself.

Artie:What the fuck do you know about kids?

Larry Sanders:Fine, I will have some kids of my own, but after the show.

Larry Sanders:Look at the bright side. Maybe he'll get that job at UPS that he wanted.

Artie · Larry Sanders:Huh? What job? You didn't know that he wanted to get a job at UPS? That's all he talks about, Artie. No, shit. Yeah, he likes wearing the shorts, and evidently, they have trucks with no doors. I don't know. That's what Beverly tells me.

Artie:Cully always liked to wear shorts. I don't get it.

Larry Sanders:I don't mean to be an asshole, but how long does it take to get vitamins in the mail?

Cully:Yeah. I saw them my first day on the job. I saw the package. I said, 'let me take this to Larry personally.' I spaced. I left it in the trunk of the car. Hope they're still potent.

Artie · Cully:Hey, why don't we run down to La Brea to Pink's? We'll get a fatty with onions and sour kraut. I got a lot of packages to deliver. Aw, come on. Fuck it. I'll get to them later. Hey! Ha ha ha ha!

Larry Sanders · Beverly:Isn't tampering with the mail a felony? Yeah, well, he's Artie's son.