The Mr. Sharon Stone Show

Assistant:Good morning, Sir lawrence.

Larry Sanders:Morning.

Assistant:Bran with raisins, sire.

Larry Sanders:Just a little dinner With the president Of the united states.

Hank Kingsley:Ooh! That's both Hoity and toity.

Larry Sanders:Just, uh, tell her I'm in big bear for the next couple Weeks, ok?

Beverly:Larry, if I use That big bear excuse, She's going to know that You're blowing her off.

Larry Sanders:I'm not blowing anyone. Not till next week at The big network meeting. Yeah, when i'll be Blowing everyone.

Larry Sanders:Oh, Beverly, we're Just boys talk. What the fuck?

Beverly:The grand high-exalted Pussy master here might.

Beverly:Guess whose not getting Any pussy at home.

Beverly:How would you like it If I talked about pussy, huh? Pussy, pussy, I'm gonna Go get me some pussy. How would you like that?

Hank Kingsley:Well, when you say it that way, It takes the shine off it.

Beverly:Get some of that Drive-through pussy.

Larry Sanders:I wonder if She looks this sexy In real life, 'Cause I know I don't.

Larry Sanders:Oh, that is not the case. I often come down To say hello to the guests Just as a common courtesy, You know?

Phil:You know, If you're going To try something new, You should tell people. You scared the shit Out of me.

Larry Sanders:We were like locusts. We'd get together Every 7 years and destroy everything For miles And then Split apart again.

Sharon Stone:Larry, You read the article In people magazine, didn't you?

Larry Sanders:What article?

Hank Kingsley:Just know that Things in this life Happen for a reason. Remember that When we fire you.

Sharon Stone:vous etes très gentil.

Larry Sanders:You know, If you married Oliver stone, You'd be sharon stone. Sharon stone.

Larry Sanders:I'd love to talk To that guy, 'cause I think my mother Had something To do with the kennedy Assassination.

Larry Sanders:the courtship blank eddie's father. I was up half the night. "Of." The word was "of." Oh, was it "of"? Damn it. I put "and."

Larry Sanders:Excuse me. You just made Me think of something. Uh, Beverly? Would you do me A favor and see If we've heard from The cadillac dealership yet?

Beverly:There's an emergency. Uh, something fell On bobby on the stage.

Larry Sanders:Oh, my god.

Beverly:The emergency. I have to go.

Hank Kingsley:Hey, Larry, I heard "cadillac," But there was A bottleneck in The kitchenette.

Hank Kingsley:So, um, what did, uh, What did she eat?

Artie:Heat always passes From a hotter body To a cooler body And never The other way around.

Norman:There are some kids In my neighborhood. Who gives a shit?

Norman:You have kids? There are some kids In my neighborhood. Who gives a shit?

Artie:No, she's More famous than you.

Larry Sanders:What?

Artie:She's more famous Than you are.

Larry Sanders:She's what?

Artie:More famous.

Artie:If you're in A show business relationship, And the woman's More famous than you are, She's the one with the dick.

Larry Sanders:I can show you a list Of women this long That aren't famous That I haven't been able To get it up with.

Hank Kingsley:I know that never In this lifetime Will I enjoy The act of lovemaking With someone Of sharon stone's caliber. I know this, And I accept this. I'm so fat.

Hank Kingsley:Some of god's bounty That he has obviously Seen fit to bestow on you.

Larry Sanders:You sound like you're Quoting scripture now.

Hank Kingsley:Some of god's bounty That he has obviously Seen fit to bestow on you.

Larry Sanders:You sound like you're Quoting scripture now.

Did you hear? Larry is banging Sharon stone.

Hank Kingsley:You shut the fuck up.

Audience member:how's sharon?!

Larry Sanders:The next time you bring Your father to the show, You tell him to keep His mouth shut, all right?

Sharon Stone:I don't think His depilatory problems Are my concern.

Larry Sanders:♪ Many a tear has to fall ♪ ♪ But it's all ♪

Larry Sanders:I was on The wrestling team In high school, And I can break Any of your holds.

Sharon Stone:Yeah, well I know. I've seen your movies.

Larry Sanders:You're at table 1? Mm-hmm. 1 what? Table 1. Who are you Sitting with?

Sharon Stone:Bill and hillary.

Larry Sanders:Oh, them.

Larry Sanders:Table 1? [Sighs]

Sharon Stone:Are you actually telling me You couldn't get an erection Until you turned Your own goddamn show on?

Artie:If you're in A show business relationship, And the woman's More famous than you are, She's the one with the dick.

Larry Sanders:I can show you a list Of women this long That aren't famous That I haven't been able To get it up with. That came out wrong.

Larry Sanders:See, canyon ranch Is the female Equivalent To big bear. She's blowing Me off.

Beverly:Larry, do you know I had this same Exact conversation With both your ex-wives?

Sharon:Sharon really Likes Larry, But she feels She needs to be involved With somebody outside Of show business. Somebody who can Nurture her.

Artie:Boy, does he Crave attention.

Beverly:Yeah.

Artie:He's taking it Badly, though.

Hank Kingsley:I vote for a nurse. They can get You drugs, And those girls Really know How to swing.

Larry Sanders:She's not more famous Than I am, is she?

Artie:No!

Julianne Phillips:Table 2.