Larry's on Vacation

Hank:I thought the guest host was a big surprise. Did you know sandra was going to host the show?

Artie:No. Surprise.

Hank:She's hosted the show 11 times already.

Artie:Well, surprise. She's going to do it again.

Hank:I swear to God, I forgot what the last thing was.

Artie:Yeah, Hank. Maybe you could show her your video where you're supporting one woman's rights while another woman is blowing you.

Larry:I also had my penis inverted into a vagina 'cause I figured once I had my eyes done, I'd want to get the whole thing done.

Artie:She's a nurse on ER.

Sandra:Oh! And yet, I look at you, and I just want to be bald.

Phil:Hank plays an indian who sits on his own arrow.

Sandra:I mean, if they want me to be Larry, why don't they just dress me up in one of Larry's purple suits and have me limp over to the desk and act like I have no reason to live?

Brian:No. I just assumed it was near the freeway when it's called the on-ramp theatre.

Phil:This guy's addicted to crack, and I have a scene where he can't decide whether to kill himself or to masturbate.

Phil:Please come, because if you don't come, I might start doing crack again.

We love our guests. I love my job.

Hank:Women, thank God, are now equal with men, and... although, I gotta tell you, I think men are just a little stronger... but in all other areas, equal. Especially at the crunch. You know... sex time.

Hank:I was just busily pleasing myself, but now I realize, thanks to you, people like you, it's a 2-way street, and I want to thank you.

Hank:Great ass.

Artie:Let me guess. Are you pissed because you didn't get to host again?

Artie:I'll have Paula give you the phone number of my buddy oliver stone.

Hank:I tell you there's a conspiracy, and you tell me to put on makeup, but then she walks in, tells you, and you're all ears. It's always about you, isn't it?

Sandra:Who knew I was gonna come floating out here in a pair of manolo blahnik lucite high heels... that I happened to borrow from Larry.

Sandra:but I'm just here to kind of abuse you again and tell you that's what I do. Nyah! No.

Sandra:The managers usually stay in the green room by the shrimp plate.

Sandra:All right? Now, I'm not saying that I want to see Gary on the cover of allure, but I can bet one thing. Naomi campbell wouldn't have dragged her tired ass over to my house to fix my hot water heater, OK?

Sandra:I know you got this thing set up to hide the bolts in Larry's neck.

Rob:That's a rabbit.

Rob:That's the rectum.

Sandra:Hank, want to get in here and do a quick exam?

Hank:No.

Sandra:Just kidding.

Artie:Well, that depends on what day of the week it is. I believe on Monday it's Manhattan clam chowder.

Ellen:I think we should give Hank the next 2 weeks off. What do you think?

Julianna:You know what, Larry? I can't check the swelling if you don't let me touch it.

Julianna:You start tightening up your face, it just makes your ass look enormous.

Artie:I think it's learned how to read.

Phil:Do you know if he's gay? Because I'd blow him.

Brian:You will? You'll get down on your knees and you'll put his penis in your mouth?

Phil:Well, since you put it that way, I guess it's not so appealing.

Beverly:She's evil and fat and she wants your show.

Larry:Maybe Mark fuhrman planted it.

Friday is 'mystery meat.'

Larry:I've had no surgery at all.

In the middle of the second act, a car flew off the freeway, crashed through the wall of the theater, and took out the first couple of rows. Fortunately, no one was there.

Beverly:Oh, he's on crack.

Network Executive:Um... 3-8. But sandra got a younger demographic.

Larry:I was just saying to my dog Bob packwood, I said...

evidently hoping to take another whack at it.

Network Executive:Maybe 8 years of Larry is enough.

Larry · Julianna Margulies:Would you not touch me while I'm on the phone, please? / Hello? / I can't check the swelling if you don't let me touch it. / I'm sorry. I just... I can't concentrate when you're touching me.

Beverly · Larry · Beverly:Oh, God. Look at you. / Do I look good? I look good, huh? / See, this is why I would never have plastic surgery. / Oh, come on. You had your eyes done. / Oh, please. I did not. / You start tightening up your face, it just makes your ass look enormous.

Artie:I think it's learned how to read.

Beverly · Artie:Larry must not see this article. / Oh, I'm way ahead of you. I'm on my way to his house. / Oh, let's go. I'll... take my car. / I'll drive. We'll use the siren.

Phil · Brian:Oh! You know, if this guy gives me a good review, I'll pay him a thousand bucks. Do you know if he's gay? Because I'd blow him. / Phil, that's not funny. / No. I'm not being funny. I mean, if he gives me a good review, I will blow him.

Brian · Phil:You will? You'll get down on your knees and you'll put his penis in your mouth? / Well, since you put it that way, I guess it's not so appealing. / Yeah, exactly. Huh? Huh?

Larry · Beverly:Who the fuck planted this? / It's Sandra's manager, Larry. She's evil and fat and she wants your show.

Larry · Beverly:Larry arrives at the studio in sunglasses, paranoid. Beverly: 'Who the fuck planted this?' — apparently about paparazzi or press.

Sandra · Larry:Maybe Mark Fuhrman planted it. / Ha ha ha! Is he managing you now?

Network Executive (Sid) · Larry:So, the plan is... we're going to serve America a talk-show smorgasbord. Jon Stewart tonight, Rosie O'Donnell the next, and then Dennis Miller. / What's Friday? / Friday is 'mystery meat.'

Sid · Larry:You look as fresh as springtime, like the apple-cheeked boy who walked through this curtain 8 years ago. / Well, and keeping these apples in my cheeks is killing me, by the way.

Larry · Hank:Shouldn't you be doing the warmup? / You see? I can't get this from anybody else. This... this right here. This is our relationship.

Larry · Artie:Listen, I've gotta get those tickets to Phil's play. / Oh, it closed on Friday. / I thought it opened on Friday. / Well, the oddest thing happened. In the middle of the second act, a car flew off the freeway, crashed through the wall of the theater, and took out the first couple of rows. / Fortunately, no one was there. / Well, he sure seems to be handling it pretty well. / Oh, he's on crack.

Beverly:Beverly explains the play closed because 'in the middle of the second act, a car flew off the freeway, crashed through the wall of the theater, and took out the first couple of rows. Fortunately, no one was there.'

Artie · Beverly:Artie: 'Well, he sure seems to be handling it pretty well.' Beverly: 'Oh, he's on crack.'

Larry · Artie · Beverly:What were Sandra Bernhard's ratings? / Um... 3-8. / Mm-hmm. And Larry's? / 3-8. / But Sandra got a younger demographic.

Larry:Please. Even though I was off for a week, do not pity me. Don't force your laughs.

Larry:Speaking of which, they just said... they discovered that sexual harassment is now evident in animals. / I was just saying to my dog Bob Packwood, I said...

Network Executive · Artie · Network Executive:If a guest host can get the same ratings as Larry, just imagine how much money we could save not having to pay Larry's salary. / What are you saying? / We should get rid of Larry and replace him with Sandra? / It doesn't have to be Sandra. It could be Jon Stewart, Rosie O'Donnell... John Wayne Bobbitt...

Larry:John Wayne Bobbitt, you would have thought that story would have been over a year and a half ago, but he has just, evidently, shown up... at the beauty salon where his wife works, with flowers, evidently hoping to take another whack at it.

Network Executive 1 · Network Executive 2:Larry does have a certain charm. Hmm. / Maybe 8 years of Larry is enough.