N.Y. or L.A.

Hank:That sign says, 'applesauce.' No. No. No, I'm kidding. It says, 'applause.'

Hank:and now, because he desperately needs your approval, Larry Sanders!

Larry:The buyer came in During the evening And, uh, found only $20 in the register And passed.

Larry:Her husband maury Has more credibility As far as I'm concerned.

Artie:Welcome to the monkey house. Pass the penis, please. Am I right?

Larry:Later i'll pass out Some transcripts So we can all Try to figure out What Hank meant At our leisure.

Artie:When people lie, They tend to cover their mouths. I learned that From jack webb when I was on dragnet, 1970.

Beverly:What are you listed under, Hank or Kingsley? Or hey, now?

Hank:It was during The mid-eighties, And I was carrying Some excess weight. And I had a persistent Skin rash, And it was hard for me To get dates.

Dick:A late-night news magazine Wrap-up of the day's events, But with a hip, Mtv sensibility.

Dick:We can't make enough Of that shit.

Larry:I see what's wrong. You're drunk.

Stevie:Yes! Fuck that beer farm! We are out of here!

Stevie:I-- I live For this shit. It gets me all Hot and bothered.

Larry:You didn't see us. You saw nothing. You heard nothing. It's not what It looks like.

the new Larry Sanders show, afternightline. Unfortunately, That's the actual title They wanna use.

Stevie:Great idea for a sitcom.

Artie:You ever see A scorsese film?

Larry:Yeah.

Artie:You know, Like goodfellas?

Larry:Yeah.

Larry:What if we shoot In new jersey?

Artie:Even worse. They live there.

Artie:Hey, butt-bongo. Bravo!

Howard:You're a big fan? Hey, take your top off.

Larry:The door that's marked 'can.'

Howard:It's like she's Got something Shoved up her ass All the time. It's like she's On the perpetual rag.

Jancis:And I really think You should move The show to new york.

Jancis:I think It'd be really good for us To have some time apart.

Howard:well, I can reveal, for the first time, ladies and gentlemen... Larry Sanders will be taking his show to new york

Phil:He's taking us To new york.

Darlene:What if he's not Taking all of us?

Beverly:For making me Look like a liar In front of The entire staff. It was A real pleasure.

Artie:You got a huge ass. It's a huge, huge ass. That's why we sent for That new lens from sony, So we could Cover that huge ass.

Larry:I have nightmares Of someone like you Coming through My window.

Chris Farley:You're not going to amount To jack squat! You're gonna end up Eatin' a steady diet Of government cheese And livin' in a van Down by the river!

Chris Farley:I flew all the way in From new york for this. You know?

Phil:I knew it! It's new york!

Larry:this is the final Larry Sanders show That you've watched tonight

Darlene:The name's darlene, You fucking idiot.

Darlene:The name's darlene, You fucking idiot.

Artie:You're a miserable fucker. A real miserable fucker.

Larry:* Da da, da-da, da da * And now, because He made a big mistake... Larry Sanders.

Howard Stern:The intercom crackles — it's Howard Stern's live radio show broadcasting from Larry's living room, where Stern reveals Larry is moving his show to New York and going on after Nightline.

Beverly · Phil · Staff:The staff hears the Stern broadcast. One staffer: 'He's taking us to New York.' Another: 'What if he's not taking all of us?' A third: 'That ass!'

Beverly · Hank Kingsley · Phil:The entire staff overhears Howard revealing the New York plan on the radio — Beverly insists 'that's pure speculation,' Hank says 'don't you think, if Larry's gonna take the show to New York, he'd tell me?'

Hank:Hank corners Larry backstage: 'As you know, it's a higher cost of living in New York, and, um, I think that should be reflected in my, uh, paycheck.'

Agent/Stevie · Larry:Agent explains why the ABC deal is only for one year: 'These guys never last. He'll be out of the job within a year. We renegotiate.' Larry: 'That makes no sense at all.'

Darlene · Larry:Darlene asks if she'll still be able to go to New York if Larry and Hank go. Larry dismisses her with 'In a second, Darlene.' The moment he's gone, she mutters: 'The name's Darlene, you fucking idiot.'

Larry:The agent tells Larry: 'You know what your problem is, Stevie? You talk to me like you think I believe you.'

Beverly:Beverly confronts Larry before the show: 'I just wanted to say thanks. For making me look like a liar in front of the entire staff. It was a real pleasure.'

Artie:Artie confronts Larry in the wings during the warm-up: 'You got a huge ass. It's a huge, huge ass. That's why we sent for that new lens from Sony, so we could cover that huge ass.'

Larry · Chris Farley:Larry introduces Chris Farley (SNL) by listing his credits: 'I love everything you do on Saturday Night Live. I love the—' then pivots: 'I have nightmares of someone like you coming through my window.'

Chris Farley:Chris Farley's motivational speaker character description/performance: '...you're gonna end up eating a steady diet of government cheese and living in a van down by the river!'

Chris Farley · Larry:Farley, after Larry starts wrapping: 'I thought maybe it was gonna be longer. I thought— I've only been out here a couple minutes. Is that how it—Er, uh...' Larry: 'It is a little short.'

Chris Farley · Larry · Staff:Farley protests: 'I flew all the way in from New York for this.' Larry: 'You flew in from New York? How long is that flight?' Then staff immediately: 'I knew it! It's New York!'

Larry:Larry announces on air that 'this is the final Larry Sanders Show' and he's retiring to Montana 'to live the rest of my life as just an everyday guy.'

Larry Sanders:Larry announces on air that this is the 'final Larry Sanders Show' — a fake retirement speech with a full staff thank-you — then reveals: 'If anyone needs me, I'll be in Montana.'

Larry · Chris Farley:During his tearful on-air goodbye, Larry spots Farley backstage and whispers: 'Hey, Chris. Listen, I have some sketch ideas. Could you take 'em down to SNL?'

Larry · Darlene:In the middle of his retirement tribute, Larry 'acknowledges' Darlene with 'the rest of the office staff' — not by name. Darlene, on camera: 'The name's Darlene, you fucking idiot.'

Artie:Artie, after the show, to Larry: 'You're a miserable fucker. A real miserable fucker.'

Larry · Fisherman:Scene cut to Montana fishing. Larry is actually in Montana. He falls into the river ('Shit.'). A fisherman hushes him: 'You're scaring the fish.'

Fisherman · Larry:The fisherman asks Larry: 'You watch TV much?' Larry doesn't answer. Then: 'Stay up late?'

Larry:Larry, unprompted, starts humming his own theme song to the fisherman: 'Da da, da-da, da da... Mmm-hmm, mm-mm, mm-hmm.'

Fisherman · Larry:The fisherman does a Larry Sanders-style announcer intro over the river: 'And now, because he made a big mistake... Larry Sanders.' Frogs croak. Larry: 'Fucking frogs.'