Hank's Divorce

Because you can't spell 'Hilarious' without 'lar,' Larry...Sanders!

Larry:I just bought that line from Wayne Newton. I got that, and I got 'Screw the casino, we're going all night.' And I got, 'ok.'

Hank:Haiti? Uh, where's that?

Larry:Well...That is right next to the Dominican Republic.

Hank:Oh, right, right. I knew that. That's a great shop, you know.

Hank:I bought a safari jacket there once.

Larry:I believe you're thinking of the Banana Republic.

Hank:Oh! Yeah. That's right.

Larry:You know, if Hank was Secretary of Defense, we'd be invading the Beverly Center right now.

Hank:You didn't think Margaret and I would last a year, did you? Be honest.

Larry:Not true. Not true.

Hank:I remember what you said. 'Hank, it won't last a year.'

Larry:Well, that sounds like me.

Larry:No, nonsense, this is how I've always dreamt of it. Hank, Larry, my wife. Please.

Hank:A pekingese, but they don't swim. I think they just sink like a bowling ball, don't they?

Margaret:I do not know how much more of this I can take.

Larry:Well, we can talk about current events or sports or--

Margaret:No, no, no, I mean Hank.

Larry:Please, let's not show the chimp attacking my balls again. I mean, come on.

Phil:But people love that.

Larry:No. You're projecting.

Larry:The parrot, uh, attacking my balls?

Phil:Yes. Pass.

Phil:The pie eating scene, it has no precursor in talk show history.

Larry:You never know what might happen, but it'll probably involve my nuts.

Hank:You guys have a lot of yuk-em-ups in there, huh? You have some good laughs?

Hank:My marriage is one big joke to you, isn't it?

Artie:That is not the case.

Artie:Come here, Hank. Come on, sweetheart. Listen, I know you're going through a tough time now, you know? Believe me, I've been there.

Hank:Well, I'm not there. I don't know where there is.

Artie:It's not a therapist, darling. It's my divorce lawyer. He's done a lot of bulk work for me.

Hank:A man's sexual peak is at 18. You know, scientists have proven this, but, hey, I think I hang in there pretty good for a 38-year-old guy, you know.

Margaret:Hank, that is not the problem.

Hank:I know it isn't! And, besides, you are 48.

Hank:What--what's a 2-minute warning?

Larry:A 2-minute warning is when either party just separates for 2 minutes before either one says or does something that they're just gonna regret later, ok? 2 minutes.

Margaret:Hmm, and which one of your bimbo ex-girlfriends taught you that?

Hank:Are you fucking my wife?

Larry:What?

Hank:Just answer the question. You--you're fucking Margaret, aren't you?

Larry:No, I'm fucking Larry.

Hank:See, at first I just chalked it up to female problems.

Larry:Mm-hmm. She having trouble with her-- The, uh--

Hank:Oh, no. No, not that. I mean, on the other hand, how would I know? I haven't been down there in months. She could have grown a dick over the summer. I wouldn't have a clue.

Hank:Yes, yes, we're in show business, but I know in my heart of hearts you would never fuck my wife.

Larry:Not without your go-ahead.

Hank:Exactly.

Margaret:Your entire life revolves around Larry. Your mood depends on what Larry said or what Larry did.

Hank:I think this is that crazy therapist.

Margaret:No. If Larry was mean to you, then you're miserable, but if Larry was nice, then you're the happiest man on earth.

Margaret:Remember when you forgot my birthday? Have you ever forgotten Larry's birthday?

Hank:Well, now, there's a reason for that, because Larry's birthday is just easy to remember. It's December 19th. It just rolls right out, you know, whereas, uh, your birthday is--

Hank:I got it! I got it! I'm coming!

Margaret:You should have married Larry.

Hank:Aw, don't do this.

Margaret:Good-bye.

Hank:Don't do this.

Artie:If you're looking for a place to live when she gets the house, it's no problem, buddy. Here's a brochure for the Oakwood Apartments. It's fully furnished, dishes in the kitchen, 2 pools, whole 9 yards. And the complex is just loaded with fellow divorce victims. So whenever you get the urge to piss all over your ex, everybody joins in. You'll have a ball.

Larry:Well, uh, how about your wife?

Hank:Oh, well, you know, we had a good year, but that's over.

Larry:Hank seems in good spirits.

Artie:Who's he dancing with?

Larry:Himself.

Artie:Oh.

Artie:But you'll live through it like I did. And you're-- you're pissed...angry...but alive, god damn it, alive. Whoo!

Artie:You're not an original member of the O'Jays, are you, by any chance?

Hank:Well, you know, Larry, there's a deep place inside us all, a very deep place. The trick is you gotta know how to get there. And that place is...your desk, top right-hand drawer, yellow pills. Take a few of those, a shot of bourbon...you'll go immediately to this place.

Artie · Larry:Artie backstage to Hank: 'Hey, buddy, buck up. Don't let her see you like this. She doesn't even watch the show anymore.' Larry: 'Fucking bitch.' Artie: 'Larry, maybe she IS watching. Please.'

Hank:Back on air, Hank's emotional speech pivots away from his wife to: '...that person has taught me about compassion, and that person has taught me about caring. And that person... is Mr. Larry Sanders. Give him a big hand.'

Larry · Hank:Larry: 'Well, uh, how about your wife?' Hank: 'Oh, well, you know, we had a good year, but that's over.'

Larry · Artie:Party scene: 'Hank seems in good spirits.' / 'Who's he dancing with?' / 'Himself.'

Artie:Artie, drunkenly to Hank: 'You're pissed... angry... but alive, god damn it, alive. Whoo!'

Artie:Artie: 'Shit, that punch is strong.'

Artie:Artie, gazing around the room: 'Got good people working here.'

Larry:Larry, to a musician at the party: 'You're not an original member of the O'Jays, are you, by any chance?'

Hank:Hank reveals his coping strategy to Larry: 'There's a deep place inside us all, a very deep place. The trick is you gotta know how to get there. And that place is... your desk, top right-hand drawer, yellow pills. Take a few of those, a shot of bourbon... you'll go immediately to this place.'