The Breakdown (1)

Hank:That sign says 'Applesauce.' No, no, no. I'm kidding. It says 'applause.'

Announcer:and now, because it's a condition of his probation, Larry Sanders!

Larry:He said for a million dollars, he'd let Robert Redford sleep with Hillary.

Larry:If Robert Redford has to pay a million dollars to get laid... Do I need to finish this thought? Imagine what Hank must have to pay.

Larry:I am not watching my show right now. I'm watching Bonanza. That is not Hank. That is Hoss.

Beverly:Why do you put her through?

Larry:Larry, you called her.

Beverly:Oh, that's right.

Larry:Do I have trouble prioritizing emotional commitments?

Beverly:Oh, please, don't ask me. I haven't had a healthy relationship since junior high.

Larry:Well, let's stick to me today.

Artie:Jesus! Are you laying in your own puke?

Artie:Who are they? It's a mystery.

Larry:They don't need to be a mystery to me, Artie. I'm the host.

Artie:I'll tell you who got nominated. Letterman, Saturday Night Live, and I'll bet you Billy Crystal hosting the Academy Awards. Am I right? What's the other one? A Jackie Mason Hanukkah, Artie?

Artie:Walk it off?

Larry:Cancel. Move on. Why don't I just put ice on it? It's a marriage, for god's sakes!

Larry:They're out there. You don't need to check. Artie was selling them like there's no tomorrow. They must be there, or he wouldn't be in here saying there's hot towels. They must be out there very close by. There's hot towels out there. I could tell.

Hank:I thought you were talking about the Emmy nominations. Oh, screw her! She was always trying to drive a wedge between Larry and me.

Hank:We'd hit the bar at the Bel Air hotel, work a little skirt.

Larry:Jerry van dyke. Fuck him.

Larry:This towel isn't even hot!

Phoenix?

They're dropping you for Chevy Chase.

You're kidding.

Hard to believe, isn't it?

Kathy Ireland:They're great. Open-toed.

Larry:Mine are closed-toed-- I like all your shoes.

Larry:Until we get this show on track, I have no dick.

Artie:No dick? Check.

Larry:Jesus, he's dipping into the toilet. I agree. Why didn't we get the Buttafuocos on? They turned us down. Good. They're not right for the show anyway. I agree. Fucking Koppel blurs the line. My god, no, it's not right.

Larry:Who can afford a hair weave or a transplant? And for that matter, who knows a baboon who wants to give you his hair?

Larry:If it's Hank, why isn't Hank here? Hank has one line, and it's his name. You think he can do that without a rehearsal?

Artie:Isn't 'cap in a can' funnier?

Larry:Cap in a can. Ha! You're right! That's funnier. Cap in a can!

Larry:This doesn't look like it comes from a can. I understand how this part could come from a can, but how would the brim know to come out of the can before the rest of the hat?

Artie:I'm pissing in my pants, conceptual flaw and all!

Writer:I'm sure that the writers can cook up something funny about your marital disorders.

Beverly:He's been working on them since 1989.

Artie:No, no. Lee Marvin lost everything but the dog.

Artie:It should with that hippie in the white house.

Larry:What kind of bit? Two guys with patches on. Take it off.

Hank:Uh, she's almost housebroken.

Larry:It says, 'Have fun in Vegas.' I'm not going to Vegas.

Hank:Yes, you are.

Hank:I've seen men try to lose themselves in their work like this before-- Redd Foxx and Dick Shawn and Regis Philbin. Capisce?

Hank:But the best cure for stress is... Blow jobs. Bingo.

Larry:What a little kiss-ass.

Hank:Bob Stevens. Who's Bob Stevens? Bob Stevens is an ordinary, everyday guy.

Larry:Well... This is really going to sell.

Larry:Bob, I guess you're pretty sold on this product. Aren't you, Bob? Bob? Hank? Yeah.

Artie:You can't buy those kind of fuck-ups, Larry.

Larry:Let's book Boy George. His smack problems are behind him.

Larry:You ever feel like somebody grabbed you, when they weren't there?

Artie:No.

Larry:That was weird.

Artie:That's a heart attack.

Hank:I first met Larry in the spring of 1985. My cruise liner was moored off the coast of portugal. Amen.

Larry:Hank? Ge the fuck off the bed.

Beverly:You're 42. Don't push so hard.

Larry:This heart attack is a warning. It was a heart episode.

Beverly:You know what I mean.

Beverly:And she took the dog.

Hank:Before you know it, your head turns sideways, you're coughing.

Larry:I'm just gonna go fuck myself.

Hank:Stress kills, you know? And-- and we all know, the best relief in the world for stress is--

Larry:Don't say it, Hank.

Hank:Blowjobs.

Writer:Is that anything like a designing women episode?

Larry:Yes, in that they both make you sick?

Writer:Yes, and involve fatty build-up.

Larry Sanders:Most people are mad at me.

Larry:Wow, if your back end gets too big, you gotta get a Stairmaster.

Hank:This is 8 ball in the corner pocket. This is game over. All we need are our cue sticks, it sounds like to me. Hey, now. You bring the chalk.

Larry:After the cap-in-a-can spray, the subject Bob Stevens sits there with a hilariously bad spray-hair result; Larry says 'Well... This is really going to sell.'

Larry · Hank:Larry calls out 'Bob? Hank? Yeah.' — the bit trails off with Bob apparently unable to respond and Hank stepping in with nothing

Artie:'You can't buy those kind of fuck-ups, Larry. You hear the audience? What do you want?'

Larry:'Let's book Boy George. His smack problems are behind him.'

Larry:Larry's chest pain during the Los Lobos performance: 'You ever feel like somebody grabbed you, when they weren't there?'

Hank:Hank's bedside prayer: 'We thank thee for sparing the life of Larry Sanders. I first met Larry in the spring of 1985. My cruise liner was moored off the coast of Portugal. Amen.'

Larry:Larry, waking from his hospital bed, first words: 'Get the fuck off the bed.'

Larry · Hank:Hank says 'I'd like a moment alone with Beverly, please.' Larry: 'He wants a moment alone with Beverly.' / Hank: 'Hank, I heard what he said.'

Artie:'Racquetball, two weeks.' — Artie's post-cardiac-episode prescription for Larry

Larry · Beverly:'This heart attack is a warning.' / 'It was a heart episode.' / 'You know what I mean.' / 'I'm 40 years old.' / 'You're 42.'

Larry · Beverly:The dog: Larry says 'I want it. Get the dog.' / Beverly: 'Jeannie stopped by... And she took the dog.'

Darlene · Larry · Staff member:'Is that anything like a Designing Women episode?' / 'Yes, in that they both make you sick?' / 'Yes, and involve fatty build-up.'

Hank · Beverly:7.5 pounds of get-well cards vs. Hank's earlier broken leg getting 9 pounds: 'Last year when I broke my leg, didn't I get 9 pounds?' / 'Yes, but you've got 2 miles of faxes out there.'

Larry · Staff member · Beverly · Artie:Larry dictating how get-well responses should be signed: 'Should I put Best wishes or Thanks for caring?' / 'Ah, your choice.' / 'Beverly, please.' / 'Oh, leave him be, Beverly.'

Beverly · Larry:'But you've got 2 miles of faxes out there.' / 'Well, all right.' — Larry immediately consoled by the fax metric beating the card metric

Larry · Helen Hunt:Larry's flattery to Helen Hunt: 'I think the viewing public is watching because they're Mad about you.' / 'Thank you very much.' / 'I personally think most people are mad about you.' / 'No — most, uh, most people are mad at me.'

Larry · Helen Hunt:Larry's on-air interview with Helen Hunt about Mad About You: 'He has a dog and I have a neurotic sister and we both have jobs and somehow in there... Mad About You.'

Larry · Helen Hunt:'I personally think that most people are mad about you.' / 'No. Most people are mad AT me.' [Laughter]

Larry:'Wow, if your back end gets too big, you gotta get a Stairmaster.'

Larry · Helen Hunt:Larry asks about Helen Hunt's Hawaii story, then abruptly cuts to commercial when she starts telling it: 'Hey, why don't you hold that thought, and I'll be right back.'

Larry:Larry loses track of the interview: 'How was your fish? It's a little dry.' — completely random tangent mid-interview

Larry:Larry's post-show assessment of Helen Hunt: 'All she talked about was show business, and all I did was pretend to be interested.'

Hank · Larry:Hank's Disney waitress pitch: 'They drove in all the way from Anaheim... do you think they wanna drive all the way back there tonight? ... After all, that is a 2-hour drive.' / 'I think that's just to the monorail stop, isn't it?'

Artie · Larry:'Maybe just as well it didn't go anywhere.' / 'I won't book her anymore.'

Hank · Larry:Hank's closing pitch: 'Two lovely ladies from Anaheim, Disney employees, waitresses. The Dumbo Hilton — the Dumbo Hyatt — I don't know.' / [Both] 'Bel Air Hotel!'

Hank · Larry:Hank's 'Bel Air Hotel' callback and 8-ball metaphor: 'Larry, this is 8 ball in the corner pocket. This is game over. All we need are our cue sticks.' / 'You bring the chalk.'

Hank · Larry:Hank's blow jobs callback: 'The best relief in the world for stress is—' / 'Don't say it, Hank.' / 'Blowjobs.' / 'Main floor, talk show. Think about it.'