Arthur After Hours

General rule of thumb... if you see nose hair, it's too close. Aha!

Checks for Larry, birds for Hank... aw, throw that one away.

As much as I'd love Larry to ask her about her gorgeous new tits, I feel we covered that front quite well when miss butler was here in may.

Paula:You have to forgive me. I've got my period.

Artie:You know, you used that excuse 10 weeks ago, memory serves. That means you're not due to start your cycle until the 22nd or 23rd.

Paula:Well, how do you know I wasn't lying the last time?

Artie:You were a bit puffy.

Artie:Oh, you're good. You're not the first woman who's told me that.

Artie:Do you like history, Phil? What does that mean? Because if Larry doesn't want to wear the hat, that's what it becomes, dig?

Phil:He is supposed to be the gorton's fisherman. Without the hat, he's just a guy in a yellow slicker.

Phil:What? Makes me laugh.

Phil:What makes you laugh, the sketch?

Artie:No. The word 'slicker' makes me chuckle.

Artie:Say it again. Slicker. Use it in a sentence.

Phil:I like my slicker.

Artie:Ha ha.

Phil:Artie, I'm gonna kick somebody's ass, I swear.

Artie:Profanity, beverly. I love it.

Beverly:that wendy bitch in charge of the audience... she's got her way in the hell up there where we put the retards.

Artie:We call them 'mentally challenged' now, beverly.

Artie:Don't twist your skivvies in a knot, sugar.

Artie:Having fun showing her around?

Beverly:Artie, the woman is my mother.

Artie:Is there blood? Everywhere.

Artie:What, can't find your way upstream to spawn?

Hank:someone has been touching my karaoke machine.

Artie:Oh, God, no!

Hank:Really?

Artie:No.

Hank:I walk in the morning, the red light is on, and this baby is just warm to the touch

Hank:I know how your people enjoy the karaoke.

Bri:Now if you'll excuse me, I must go call my parents and tell them I'm asian.

Hank:I miss darlene. And not just because of, you know, the, uh, the sweaters.

Larry:You know, that was the least graceful entrance we've ever had on the show.

Larry:I would rather sometimes be allowed to be the man.

Sandra:♪ do-do-do-do-do-do-do ♪

Sandra:I got into bed with them. They had plenty of room.

Larry:They're arguing, or they're burying stuff in the backyard?

Sandra:All at once, they're just coming at me 100,000 miles a minute. Who is? Everybody in the business.

Sandra:Not a damn thing. I've been fired off everything.

No, you haven't.

Sandra:I'm kidding.

Larry:I have an erection.

Sandra:Funny, so do I.

Sandra:Hey, 2 erections and nowhere to go.

Larry:Hey, thanks for being a soldier about this, rye bread.

Artie:Make you feel better to hit me? Go ahead. Shut up. You know you want to.

Ryan:I'm not hitting anymore.

Ryan:And the next time you need somebody to pick you up after one of your d.u.I. S, don't call me.

Ryan:And don't call me rye bread. It's what farrah calls me.

Larry:Speaking of my ass, if it gets any bigger, it's gonna need a publicist. I'm not kidding. It's gonna have a career of its own soon.

Artie:She's probably screwing hans brinker. She's making his skates into earrings as we speak.

Artie:That's not my problem now, is it, sweetie?

Artie:I'm not sending you one thin gilder.

Artie:go to rotterdam, then you go to amsterdam, then you go down the road to my city. That's right. It's a little place called I don't give a damn.

Beverly:Of course. You didn't really expect to find him here.

Larry:He's lucky he's not in that chair, the fucking asshole. Fuck him! Fuck me for taking this shit for so long!

Beverly:I'm coming, ma!

Hank:There's those letters I hate. There they are. I hate those fucking letters.

Hank:And now, because he's a big, phony bastard, Larry Sanders!

Artie:Yeah, I recognize that toluca lake accent.

Artie:No, dipshit. I mean recently, before toluca lake.

Artie:You just told me that you watch the show a lot.

Nicolae:Yes, but is no Larry.

Nicolae:Hank. Hank is very good. Ha! You know Hank? Hey now!

Artie:You know why we get along, nic? 'Cause we're brothers. We're the unsung heroes. I clean up shit all day, you clean up shit all night.

Artie:When you die, you'll go to heaven, you say hello to God, and when God says hello to you, this is what you'll smell on his breath.

Artie:You're lucky, nic, 'cause the shit I clean up talks back.

Artie:I'm gonna resist the urge to, uh, express my anger by using profanity, and I hope you appreciate that, you... scum-sucking asshole!

Artie:I wish you great success with the show. And personally, I have no ill will toward you... but hope your balls fall off.

Artie:but does it crack? Does it? No!

Artie:Because all the pressure in this building, all the stress goes right into that, but does it crack? Does it?

Nicolae:No!

Artie:Aw, say, you bet your ass. Damn right it doesn't.

Artie:'Cause all people remember is the night the chimp grabbed Larry's balls.

Artie:That's the way it adds up... just a monkey and some balls.

Artie:Here. Iooky here. I want you to take this. Go on, take it.

Nicolae:No.

Artie:Fuck your pride. Keep the clip, too.

Nicolae:Too very many.

Artie:he gave me this the year he took his show to Florida.

Artie:Why nicolae get mop?

Nicolae:Brother, you throw bottle. You go clean.

Artie:You're still the fucking janitor, aren't you?

Nicolae:I hope your balls falling off!

Nicolae:I hope your balls falling off!

Artie:Ah, fuck you. You're fired.

Nicolae:I union. Union this!

Nicolae:I no need brother like you.

Nicolae:I union. Union this!

Larry:He's smiling like that because his refund check from the Betty ford clinic just came in the mail today.

Artie:Prick.

Hank:Everything is Dan-Dan-dandy.

Beverly:Warm, moist, muffin-y goodness. Courtney Cox? Oh, close. A muffin.

Beverly:He's got this friend nicolae. Whew. What a mouth on that one.