The Gift Episode

Artie:Jason Alexander? Uh, only if we can't get Michael Richards or Jerry Seinfeld.

Paula:Mary Lou retton? Marilu henner. Oh, thank God. The last thing we need is Larry on those uneven bars again.

Paula:Oh, my gosh! Good one, Artie. Oh, I liked their first album, but the second one was a disappointment.

Larry:They got the stain completely out. I can't believe it. Well, we'll use them as our regular dry cleaner from now on.

Hank:Are we ordering lunch?

Paula:No, Hank. We're not.

Hank:Oh, because I heard someone mention potatoes, and I... I can have those on my new diet.

Hank:Please do, because I only have the one shake in the morning.

Paula:His agent said he wouldn't be feeling well tonight.

Larry:Yeah, I've had that.

Paula:Well, perhaps the fact that we pay them scale and send 'em home with a piece of shit t-shirt and hat...

Larry:I really appreciate the effort that you put into your job each day.

Paula:Okay, what he said was: 'I really appreciate the effort you put into your job each day.'

Beverly:Ooh, girl, you are fucked.

Larry:I don't think she's got the right personality. I think she's too... abrasive? No, it's, uh... brusque? No. Incapable of putting a performer at ease because she's has a basic contempt for the business.

Paula:And screw you, you glorified 10%-taking butt boy.

Larry:But it's in the shape of a hat?

Paula:No, really, Larry, it's kind of embarrassing, because even the arsenio people gave out bathrobes with his big ol' triangle-shaped head on the back.

Paula:even the arsenio people gave out bathrobes with his big ol' triangle-shaped head on the back

Artie:Damn it, if this stage caves in, you won't need bathrobes. You'll need bodybags.

Larry:Well, evidently, we already give a bag.

Paula:Not if I kill myself before 5:30.

Artie:Or is there just my suit floating in space?

Phil:Well, you know, those are made to be seen, not to be worn. They're made to hang in your closet so when someone looks in there they say, 'oh, you've been on arsenio.'

Phil:Milk chocolate necktie. He does.

Larry:Well, those are probably meant to be eaten, not worn.

Paula:Is that suzanne pleshette? Phil, get out!

Larry:Although, you know, I'd feel a little awkward knowing that strangers were putting their lips on my head.

Paula:War of the roses is one of Larry's favorite films. Did I mention that?

Danny DeVito:This is getting very sad. Do you have any shame at all?

Hank:I'm like a dog that way. I just have a very bad feeling.

Beverly:No, that was Hank clearing his throat.

Paula:Because twice today, he said that I was doing a really good job.

Hank:Oh... I didn't know he said it twice.

Beverly:You're digging a mighty deep hole over there.

Paula:Good. Then I can jump in after I shoot myself in the head.

Paula:Just think of whatever you would ask a potato lady. And that's all there is to it? And put question marks at the end so Larry knows that they're questions.

Paula:And put question marks at the end so Larry knows that they're questions.

Larry:He's putting my photo on the inner thigh. Oh, God damn it. Maybe you're right. Maybe it should be the outer thigh.

Larry:I don't want to talk to the fucking potato lady.

Paula:Um, I think it's just tremendous what you're doing here for juvenile diabetes. And I don't know if you know this, but Larry has low-blood sugar.

DeVito:It's not the same. Is it? It's not the same.

Paula:Are you telling me that you can't walk 200 feet to plug your own movie? It'll be great exposure, and it'll prevent Larry from firing me. Please?

Artie:Iook at this. The name of the horse... Larry's valentine. Jockey... Hank Espinoza. The trainer's name is Bill. Bill, just like the guy who writes for us. Phil. No, it's Bill. See...

Artie:The name of the horse... Larry's valentine. Jockey... Hank Espinoza. The trainer's name is Bill.

Jimmie Walker:Guy robs a lady in the subway. The cops come to try to stop this guy. The criminal refuses to stop. They shoot the guy in the back. Paralyze the criminal. The criminal sues the transit system for $4.5 million... and he won the case. Now he's suing nike, 'cause he says if he had had better sneakers, he'd been able to run faster, and they never would have caught him.

Paula:Where is he? He's in make-up.

Paula:One more segment with the potato lady, and then Danny...

Larry:I'm not doing a dumb segment with the potato lady.

Larry:I got to tell you the truth. I'm torn but, uh... madison is who it looks like to me. I would take another guess if I were you.

Hank:I never had the bad feeling worse than I do right now.

DeVito:Late? I just decided 5 minutes ago to do the show. What do you mean late?

DeVito:Well, your booker, she said that you were going to fire her if... if I didn't, uh, show up. I don't want that on my conscious. She's troubled.

Danny DeVito:your booker, she said that you were going to fire her if... if I didn't, uh, show up. I don't want that on my conscious.

Hank:Now I look like one of those pussies who got under the desk.

Artie:Hot to trot. OK, I knew it. Breathe.

DeVito:if I'm gonna die, I want to die with my family, not with jimmie walker and the weirdo with the doughnuts. Potatoes? The potato lady? Whatever.

Phil:the jogging suit is just a wrapping, sir, inside, you'll find a lovely silver desk clock from tiffany.

DeVito:Silverplate?

Phil:Solid silver, Mr. D. Swiss movement.

Danny DeVito:Potatoes? The potato lady? Whatever.

Phil:Oh, hell, yes. We could put your cock on it. As long as it's not the hour hand.

Paula:You wouldn't believe that lengths I have to go to. The other week, when Tom hanks tried to back out, I had to cry and feign illness.

Paula:muffin mania gifts. It's endless.

Paula:Bob uecker, Shari Lewis, and the seashell man. And sting.

Larry:Oh, have we got sting? You betcha. Great.