I Was a Teenage Lesbian

Hank:I just took the most incredible dump. I mean, I haven't had one like that since-- I believe-- Reagan was in the White House.

Hank:Bad things coming in threes. First my divorce, then the pool filter catching on fire, and now this.

Paula:Hmm? I said good morning. Ok. God! Don't be a prick about it.

Phil:Oh, look. Bitch expo '95 is in town. Could you pick me up a tee shirt, ok?

Phil:Is your grandmother alive? What? Is she alive? Yes. Well, fuck her. I'll get to Jimmy Smits when I get to it.

Paula:I have a lump in my breast.

Paula:Don't hug, because then it feels serious and cancerous.

Paula:And please stop staring at my tits.

Paula:It's not just the fact that I might die, but my doctor said I can't have coffee anymore... It's turning me into a colossal bitch.

Phil:I'll look through this hole...

Larry:Is that close enough?

Phil:Is that your thumb?

Larry:What is that?

Phil:Is that newt gingrich on the internet?

Larry:No, what she's doing to my back.

Larry:I was just getting ready to turn over, and sometimes the towel flips up.

Phil:I've already seen that.

Hey, dad.

Asshole.

Larry:What, were you in vietnam?

Hank:I think Brett Butler's in there.

Hank:Oh, damn. The day can turn to shit so quickly.

Artie:The Butler did it.

Brett:How do you come up with that stuff?

Artie:Oh, my gifts are many and best not discussed.

Brett:Can I just peek under the towel one more time real quick?

Artie:Oh, Bretty, you'll dream tonight.

Brett:Just buy bigger shovels and cry sometimes.

Artie:Just tell yourself that everything they write about you is true. That way it won't bother you.

Hank:A man is lying on his deathbed not 5 miles from here, and these bloodsuckers, these leeches... A little respect for the soon-to-be dead, please.

Brett:I guess you'd call it a lesbian thing.

Artie:I've always loved women with a touch of sappho.

Artie:We have k.d. lang on the show all the time. Although, the last time, Hank kept calling her 'sir.' That asshole.

Artie:Just because you done it once doesn't make you a dyke.

Sid was not from the old school. He was from the school they tore down to build the old school.

Hank:He's dead. Or-- or near-dead.

Brett:Cold little bitch.

Larry:You know, she couldn't give me a good massage because half the time her tongue got caught up in her hands.

Brett:It'll be like Regis and Kathy Lee.

Artie:I found a lump on one of my testicles... I made Elke Sommer cry in the middle of a dance rehearsal.

Artie:Because he was thinking about my left nut.

Artie:That's the show I fucked up because of my titty.

Paula:Just go straight up your ass and turn left.

Hank:You're not all getting on the elevator at once, are you? You kids, you're so crazy!

Hank:It was a hiatal hernia. It's a rip in the esophagus... Fucking doctors! I mean, come on!

Hank:If you say a person's not going to make it through the day, then he shouldn't make it. It's just so inconsiderate to just put us through this worry.

Hank:[Hank cries]

Paula:So I say, 'hoist another cup of joe to lumpy.'

There's, like, no smoking in the office, dipshit.

Paula:Fuck you. I'm, like, alive, dipshit.

Artie:Where in goddamn hell is the fire?! You scared the shit out of me!

It's just the incense.

Brett:You are so... unbelievable. You know what I remember 10 years ago? You're very, very selfish.

Hank:I almost lost a-- I almost lost Sid today... Sid, take care of your esophagus.

Brett:I got a massage. The woman did not stop talking... And plus, she wanted a very steep security and cleaning deposit which I did not get back afterwards.

Brett:You get your mom a house and you figure whatever else you do with your money is ok if you get your mom a house.

Brett:I'm a WASP. Wasps don't have guilt, do they?

Larry:Oh, no. But they have moms.

Brett:Hey, see what happens when you mess around with another chick? It's bad news, huh?

Larry:Oh, some dyke thing, I guess.

Artie:Well, it appears I owe you $100.