While awaiting the results of a breast biopsy, a tense Paula angers Brett Butler who offers Larry some tips on his weekly massage. Hank interviews possible new agents while his beloved Sid lies gravely ill in the hospital.
WAR
68.1
Wins Above Replacement
“I Was a Teenage Lesbian” ranks #55 of 90 The Larry Sanders Show episodes on the Humor Index, scoring 86.0 — Elite. The episode packs 57 scored jokes at 2.2 per minute, averaging 7.3 on craft and 7.1 on impact, with Artie landing the most laughs. Every joke is ranked below with its individual craft and impact scores.
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Top Jokes
Brett: I guess you'd call it a lesbian thing.
Paula: Just go straight up your ass and turn left.
Artie Character Comedy Dark/Subversive ★ Rewatch Hank Kingsley · Artie: Hank, after being told about the Paula-Brett lesbian backstory, says: 'Well, it appears I owe you $100.'
Artie: That's the show I fucked up because of my titty.
Artie Dark/Subversive Character Comedy Escalation ★ Rewatch Larry: You know, she couldn't give me a good massage because half the time her tongue got caught up in her hands.
Artie Character Comedy Observational ★ Rewatch All Jokes — 57 analyzed
Show all ↓ Hide ↑ Hank: I just took the most incredible dump. I mean, I haven't had one like that since-- I believe-- Reagan was in the White House.
Hank: Bad things coming in threes. First my divorce, then the pool filter catching on fire, and now this.
Paula: Hmm? I said good morning. Ok. God! Don't be a prick about it.
Phil: Oh, look. Bitch expo '95 is in town. Could you pick me up a tee shirt, ok?
Phil: Is your grandmother alive? What? Is she alive? Yes. Well, fuck her. I'll get to Jimmy Smits when I get to it.
Phil Absurdist Character Comedy Paula: I have a lump in my breast.
Paula: Don't hug, because then it feels serious and cancerous.
Paula Dark/Subversive Escalation Paula: And please stop staring at my tits.
Paula: It's not just the fact that I might die, but my doctor said I can't have coffee anymore... It's turning me into a colossal bitch.
Phil: I'll look through this hole...
Larry: Is that close enough?
Phil: Is that your thumb?
Larry: What is that?
Phil: Is that newt gingrich on the internet?
Larry: No, what she's doing to my back.
Larry: I was just getting ready to turn over, and sometimes the towel flips up.
Phil: I've already seen that.
Larry: What, were you in vietnam?
Artie Deadpan/Understatement Character Comedy Hank: I think Brett Butler's in there.
Hank: Oh, damn. The day can turn to shit so quickly.
Brett: How do you come up with that stuff?
Artie: Oh, my gifts are many and best not discussed.
Brett: Can I just peek under the towel one more time real quick?
Artie Character Comedy Observational ★ Rewatch Artie: Oh, Bretty, you'll dream tonight.
Brett: Just buy bigger shovels and cry sometimes.
Artie: Just tell yourself that everything they write about you is true. That way it won't bother you.
Artie Character Comedy Running Gag ★ Rewatch Hank: A man is lying on his deathbed not 5 miles from here, and these bloodsuckers, these leeches... A little respect for the soon-to-be dead, please.
Artie Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement Brett: I guess you'd call it a lesbian thing.
Artie: I've always loved women with a touch of sappho.
Artie: We have k.d. lang on the show all the time. Although, the last time, Hank kept calling her 'sir.' That asshole.
Artie: Just because you done it once doesn't make you a dyke.
Sid was not from the old school. He was from the school they tore down to build the old school.
Hank: He's dead. Or-- or near-dead.
Larry: You know, she couldn't give me a good massage because half the time her tongue got caught up in her hands.
Artie Character Comedy Observational ★ Rewatch Brett: It'll be like Regis and Kathy Lee.
Artie Character Comedy Wordplay/Pun Artie: I found a lump on one of my testicles... I made Elke Sommer cry in the middle of a dance rehearsal.
Artie Paula Cringe/Discomfort Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Artie: Because he was thinking about my left nut.
Artie Character Comedy Dark/Subversive ★ Rewatch Artie: That's the show I fucked up because of my titty.
Artie Dark/Subversive Character Comedy Escalation ★ Rewatch Paula: Just go straight up your ass and turn left.
Artie Character Comedy Dark/Subversive ★ Rewatch Hank: You're not all getting on the elevator at once, are you? You kids, you're so crazy!
Hank: It was a hiatal hernia. It's a rip in the esophagus... Fucking doctors! I mean, come on!
Hank: If you say a person's not going to make it through the day, then he shouldn't make it. It's just so inconsiderate to just put us through this worry.
Hank Kingsley · Brian: Brian tells Hank that Sid is going to be fine — it wasn't a heart attack, just a hiatal hernia. Hank's response: 'Fucking doctors! I mean, come on!'
Paula: So I say, 'hoist another cup of joe to lumpy.'
There's, like, no smoking in the office, dipshit.
Paula: Fuck you. I'm, like, alive, dipshit.
Artie: Where in goddamn hell is the fire?! You scared the shit out of me!
It's just the incense.
Brett: You are so... unbelievable. You know what I remember 10 years ago? You're very, very selfish.
Beverly Dark/Subversive Character Comedy Hank: I almost lost a-- I almost lost Sid today... Sid, take care of your esophagus.
Brett: I got a massage. The woman did not stop talking... And plus, she wanted a very steep security and cleaning deposit which I did not get back afterwards.
Brett: You get your mom a house and you figure whatever else you do with your money is ok if you get your mom a house.
Brett: I'm a WASP. Wasps don't have guilt, do they?
Larry: Oh, no. But they have moms.
Brett: Hey, see what happens when you mess around with another chick? It's bad news, huh?
Larry: Oh, some dyke thing, I guess.
Artie: Well, it appears I owe you $100.
Brett Butler · Larry Sanders: Brett Butler on her three-bedroom house: 'I do just live in a three-bedroom house, though, so that's not pretentious, is it?' Then: 'You get your mom a house and you figure whatever else you do with your money is ok if you get your mom a house.'
Brett Butler · Larry Sanders: Larry asks Brett if she feels guilt about her money. Brett: 'I'm a WASP. Why?' Larry: 'WASPs don't have guilt, do they?' Brett: 'Oh, no. But they have moms.'
Larry Sanders · Artie: Larry (to Artie, post-show): 'I'll tell you the best part of that interview — at no point did she put her elbow in my back.'
Artie: Artie tells Larry he has a 'tale to tell' about Brett Butler and 'our own sweet paula,' adds: 'Prepare to be a god, junior.'
Artie Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement Brett Butler · Paula: Brett apologizes to Paula backstage, admits: 'You're right. I do have my head up my ass.'
Hank Kingsley · Paula: Hank to Paula about the lesbian history: 'Hey, see what happens when you mess around with another chick? It's bad news, huh?' — completely missing the point of why Paula's day was difficult.
Hank Kingsley · Artie: Hank, after being told about the Paula-Brett lesbian backstory, says: 'Well, it appears I owe you $100.'
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