The Performance Artist

Larry:When does that come out?

George:I don't know.

And has she been released?

No. She's still in the can.

Artie:I almost had to run to the can myself

Larry:But we have him on every month, Artie.

Artie:Hank's on every night.

Larry:I've been meaning to talk to you about that.

Artie:Ben vereen. Up and tapping, thank god. Susan dey. Pertful little skirtfull.

Artie:That's why the good lord invented videotape.

Larry:10:00 tomorrow!

Artie:That means 10:30?

Larry:Yeah. 10:30 sharp.

Hank:Mark my words, children. Somebody is going down. They started with Jerry. They'll do it again.

Phil:We didn't introduce R.E.M. as "rem" last week.

Hank:Oh, my brave, brave Phil. Always with the jokes and yet so very desperate.

If somebody gets fired, it will be me.

No. No, it is. I've been here the shortest time.

Hank:He'll take antidepressants, and everything will be normal.

Larry:I'm just getting a haircut.

Hank:Hey, a haircut, huh?

Larry:No. He's just checking it.

Hank:That's a great haircut.

Larry:He's just started.

Larry:Do you want to just give me one second?

Larry:I can sum up with one word-- guests.

Artie:Guests. Thank you, Jesus.

What did you think the problem was?

[All] Guests.

Larry:I know you, Kiki. How's your... How's your, uh--

Kiki:Well. Thanks.

Could you repeat that last part?

Which part?

About the people...

Was I unclear about--

Clear to me.

Perfectly clear.

Hank:Could you repeat that last part?

Larry:Which part?

Hank:About the people...

Larry:Was I unclear about--

Hank:Clear to me. Perfectly clear.

Larry:And who is Al Nelson?

He's the plate spinner.

He was a regular on Sullivan 30 years ago.

He's older now, and he's started using Chinette, but people still flip for him.

Phil:This is a booking problem, right?

Artie:Phil, shut the fuck up.

Larry:I'll handle it. Phil, shut the fuck up.

Larry:Mike, you're new here.

Mike:I'll let that slide, but--

Larry:Hank, put your hand down.

Hank:Robert Conrad.

No. No. Owes me a favor. Pick up the phone. Hello, Bobby.

Hank:Raymond Burr, with whom I once had the honor of playing golf.

Hank:Hello, Perry.

Artie:Performance art. That's a bunch of dog poop. What does he do? Get stark naked? Cover himself with chocolate syrup?

Reading the pretentious review: 'A garrulous assault of anecdote, humor, observation, and social comment punctuated by movement and channeled through life experience.'

A sperm looking like Jesse Helms tries to catch me. I elude him and find a willing lesbian ovum.

Larry:All right. All right. That is not necessary.

Larry:I apologize for our audience. Let's try and stay open.

Hank:Right. Stay open.

Audience member:Go back to San Francisco!

Tim Miller:I'm from L.A.

Artie:I warned you with my eyes.

Larry:I heard nothing. I saw nothing.

Larry:The tape was not that gay.

Larry:He's talking about butt plugs. He's talking about his father's orgasm.

Artie · Tim Miller:'We think you're terrific, Timbo.' immediately followed by Tim asking not to be called Timbo

Artie:Listen to me, Melody, the man said "butt plug" three times! And you and I both know you can't--

You can say "butt plug"? Since when?

Larry:The network says that it is our decision and they find no problem with the piece.

Artie:What do you mean?

Artie:They're hanging us out to dry.

Artie:You can say 'butt plug'? Since when?

Artie:I'll count to 10, and if you agree with my choice, don't say anything.

Larry:I agree.

Artie:Then don't say anything.

Larry:I got excited. I had the answer.

Larry:I agree.

Then don't say anything.

Larry:I got excited. I had the answer.

Phil:I told my friends to watch Tim Miller last night.

Why, Phil?

Phil:They haven't seen anything that good since my college roommate's nervous breakdown.

Liz Smith review: 'Sanders cans performance by Miller. Late-night funny man Larry Sanders couldn't take the heat last night, so he threw Mr. Miller out of the kitchen.'

Staff:Calling him the Jesse Helms of late-night television.

Artie:Well, hell. That's not so bad.

Hank:I'm not mentioned in either article.

Larry:Your brain doesn't have any cognizance of anything.

Larry:And my, uh, whole face. It looks great.

George:Your whole face.

Guest comedian:If you're so square, I might as well do Leno.

Audience:Ooh!

Larry:I hide them behind a desk.

Tim Miller:And don't call me Timbo anymore, okay?

Tim Miller:Television degrades everybody on it and everybody who watches it.

Tim Miller · Competing host:Tim Miller performing the same material on a competing show and being celebrated

Larry:Turn it off. You know, Tim's great. He's got a story to tell. He's telling how we screwed him.

Guest:There's this comic I saw on the Leno show-- a guy named Tim Miller-- who would have been sensational. He's the kind of guy who'd be perfect on this show. You should book him.