Ellen, or Isn't She?

Larry:They'll find me in the spring buried in the snow like one of those fucking dead moose.

Larry:No, you didn't. You already booked reservations at my favorite restaurant. You're surprising me with a cake-- Chocolate hazelnut.

Larry:Well, if we had better numbers, we wouldn't need to go on the road to get better numbers.

Larry:How thoughtful of me.

Beverly:Oh, you can't go sneaking up on people like that! This is the copy room. I came in to make a copy.

Mary Lou:Are you smoking pot?

Beverly:No. I'm just making a copy of something.

Mary Lou:Next time he asks me out, I'm gonna say yes.

Beverly:How can you make that much money for just standing around gossiping? Oh, don't you just hate 'em? They have nothing better to do than just snoop in other peoples' business.

Hank:It was eva gabor... It was her first orgasm, and she just couldn't thank me enough.

Hank:Zsa Zsa was at the wheel. Oh, mama! And I was-- as you might say-- I was working under the hood.

Larry:It's a wallet. It's got a fish on it.

Hank:Oh, that's a nice one.

Larry:You like it?

Hank:Yeah.

Larry:Ok. You--it's yours.

Hank:Really?

Larry:'Cause I need a new wallet.

Larry:No, no, that's 3 o'clock. 12 o'clock!

Hank:No, this is 12 o'clock.

Larry:No, you're 3. I'm 12 o'clock.

Artie:That lady is a lightning rod of sexual controversy. I smell ratings.

Ellen:Are you our waiter?

Larry:I am your waiter.

Ellen:Gee, I thought things were going so well.

Larry:Thursday we've got superman, hercules, and dr. Quinn medicine woman.

Ellen:Wow. Well, then, some other time.

Larry:No, no, hercules can go fuck himself.

Larry:I'll get some rolls and I'll come back. Get bread rolls. Whatever you want. Yeah, sourdough is good. You got it. I--I may not be back for a couple of days.

Larry:Oh, for god sakes. How come every time you see 2 women together, you automatically think they're gay? We're together. Does that mean we're gay?!

Hank:No, but the night's still young.

Phil:You've got all of Hank's lines under the name 'Nurse libido.' That's his name in the sketch.

Larry:Yeah, haven't I told you that you never write Hank's character name on the card? You have to write 'hank,' or he won't read it.

Writer:Just because you make more money than me doesn't mean you're my boss.

Phil:Are you nuts? I worked for bob hope. You should be kissing my ass that I even print your shit.

Writer:Then why do they pay me 1,000 times what you make, huh, jerkby?

Phil:It's 5 times.

Phil:Christ, this is the budget. Where did you get this?

Writer:From my ass!

Artie:Well, listen, I believe I know more about homosexuality than you two. After all, I'm the one with the gay assistant.

Artie:And that's--that's why I know she's a doughnut humper. Bumper. That's why I know she's a doughnut bumper.

Larry:They would let us do the fucking show from between Anna nicole smith's titties.

Jake:Jesus, Hank is the most overpaid man in show business.

Writer:Oh, those jerks. They spelled my name wrong. Oh, that--Trollop!

Brian:Yeah, he is.

Brian:I--I make $5.00 more a week than you make?

Beverly:Yeah.

Brian:I mean, don't you think you should make a little bit more than me?

Beverly:Yeah, but I only make $5.00 more than you.

Brian:Have you ever waxed Larry's back? Have you ever poked around in great dane shit looking for a ring?

Ellen:I mean, john lithgow isn't really from outer space.

Larry:Well, you don't know him as well as I do. I think there's a good chance he is.

Larry:All that publicity and we're still getting our ass kicked by the nanny. That hurts.

Ellen:And then I kiss you. And then--then you can decide. That could be funny.

Larry:Yeah. Yeah.

Ellen:Like, um... Like this.

Ellen · Larry:[Ellen kisses Larry]

Larry:God, what a surprise. Yeah. That is--Jesus. I mean, where did you learn all that?

Ellen:Oh, camp.

Stevie:Tonight, Ellen has a secret, and Larry's got it!

Stevie:Unless she had sex with her mother. Now, that would be a great cue. 'Tonight on Larry Sanders, Ellen sleeps with her mother! It's a family affair!'

Larry:What if she's not a lesbian? Did you guys ever think of that?

Artie:Oh, man. I--she's a lesbian, I can tell. I've had sex with a lesbian.

Artie:You gotta have sex with 2 lesbians. That's the whole point.

Phil:I need to make more money.

Phil!

Phil:What? Oh, I'm sorry. Did I just say that out loud? I've been saying it over and over in my head, and I guess one just slipped out.

Stevie:This is our opportunity here to kick leno's fucking ass!

Larry:I recently caught an old cosby rerun, and suddenly my character's a black, 50-year-old gynecologist, and I just--no more.

Larry:I'm trying to scramble some of these words around to form a sentence.

Larry:Would the character of Ellen ever sleep with a man?

Ellen:Well, sure, if he were feminine enough.

Ellen:I didn't sleep with him.

Larry:Am--am--am I the only host you've slept with? Am I the only guest you've slept with?

Hank:Very, very, very, funny. I not only peed me pants, I shat them.

Ellen:So, I guess I should say that I, last night, slept with Larry Sanders.

Ellen:What's odd, though, it seemed--you seemed very uncomfortable with me on top, and I thought, 'Why is it?' But then again, you seemed uncomfortable with me on the bottom, too.

Ellen:He must have--he must have asked me 3 times, 'How am I doing?' And so, uh... That was, uh--that was sweet of you.

Ellen:I woke up this morning thinking that there was something very amazing. Thing's that I'd never felt before, and I realized I was laying on your hairbrush at one point.

Larry:I guess we'll be doing the show from Bakersfield now.