The Talk Show Episode

Hank:Or does that say 'applesauce'?

Jeannie:The only way we'll talk is if I'm booked on the show as a guest.

Larry:Fine. I'll book you. You're on. Except then you can't do Arsenio for the next three to six months

Stage Manager:Five, four, three, two...

Larry:What does that mean?

Larry:Marilyn Quayle had the only one that said, 'I'm with stupid.'

Artie:Dr. Ruth is just back from Africa. I'll book her tomorrow night.

Larry:It's not a sexual problem, Artie.

Larry:I remember when you were making those toaster waffles, you were very happy.

Jeannie:Don't tell me that I was happy. I was not happy. I haven't been happy for weeks, including yesterday when I made the toaster waffles, which, by the way, you like.

Hank:Chicago gets my attention 'cause I like that city and it has a very distinctive-sounding name. I did Second City in Chicago, too, so I have fond memories. I did Second City mostly in Toronto, but I also... Chicago reminds me of Toronto.

Hank:I did Second City in Chicago, too, so I have fond memories. I did Second City mostly in Toronto, but I also...

Jeannie:They get you for 8 minutes, and I get you for 90 seconds. That's pretty much the problem in a nutshell.

Larry:Isn't this a good crowd?

Hank:A beautiful crowd.

Larry:Isn't this a good crowd?

Hank:A beautiful crowd.

Larry:No, my show is your footrest. Think of it that way.

Catherine O'Hara:We basically want to kill him, I think.

Hank:Yeah, well, you said it twice there.

Artie:If they cross two or more time zones, that's a rule of thumb. Probably gone for good.

Catherine O'Hara:The last time you met him for the first time was at Chevy Chase's party.

Larry:Do you get along with him?

Catherine O'Hara:Bo?

Larry:No, Chevy.

Catherine O'Hara:No.

Larry:Neither do I.

Larry:I'm fucked.

Larry:The show is a torturous, miserable hell.

Jeannie:There's no need to protect him. This month is normal.

Hank:Sure, he ignores you, but nothing in life is free.

Hank:One time they were doing it, he slipped up and called her 'Emmy.'

Beverly:He's the star of the show, Paula.

Paula:No duh, Beverly.

Artie:They're just women. They're projecting their own neuroses on you. They're all sick. You don't think they wish they were you?

Artie:Six weeks is her longest relationship except when she went on tour with Oingo Boingo. I think that was eight weeks.

Hank:Six weeks is her longest relationship... except when she went on tour with Oingo Boingo. I think that was eight weeks.

Jeannie:Do you know that I sleep all day? For the last two weeks all day, every day I'm asleep.

Artie:You should try to think of a performer as a small, helpless child.

Jeannie:No, Artie. I have sex with him.

Billy Crystal:This is for the life story of Pavarotti. I'm playing him... No, I play him as an infant. And what did he weigh back then, would you suppose? He was about 185.

Larry:And what did he weigh back then, would you suppose?

Billy:He was about 185.

Larry:How's Jack Palance?

Billy Crystal:Last time I saw him, he was swimming the Atlantic, I think.

Billy Crystal:You're asking all of this old stuff. 'You look marvelous'? Did I ask you to do the 'you look marvelous'? Jack Palance? That was last year.

Billy Crystal:You can't let your personal life bleed into the show. I have a lot on my mind, but I'm trying to do my job.

Larry:Don't tell me this story again. I'm so tired of hearing this story. I beg of you, don't put me through this again.

Larry:This is like the Hindenburg. When will you start shouting, 'Oh, the humanity'?

Artie:Maybe. That's up to you. But all I can tell you is that we've got half the anniversary show right here!

Beverly:It's sweeps. We have Schwarzenegger, Roseanne without the husband. We also have Julia Roberts. We have Cher, Aerosmith, the US Olympic basketball stars.

Paula:You wouldn't catch black folks doing this. The man takes charge. And the woman gets what she wants without making a fuss.

Billy Crystal:It's sort of like a Raging Jew.

Billy Crystal:It's very much his relationship... four, five, six... with his brother.

Larry:We lost the clip.

Larry:Hi, Mom. How's Chicago?

Larry:Well, honey, next week is sweeps week. I don't want to bump any big guests. Wait a minute. Kim Basinger. Good-bye. Hello, Jeannie Sanders. Tuesday night.

Larry:Kim Basinger. Good-bye. Hello, Jeannie Sanders. Tuesday night.

Larry:Kim Basinger can do maintenance that day.

Artie:Delightful! This is the best show we've ever done!

Artie:This is the best show we've ever done!

Artie · Larry Sanders:Artie interrupts the spousal crisis to give Larry guest-prep notes for Billy Crystal, down to the specific second: '...35 seconds...'

Artie · Jeannie Sanders:Artie: 'Larry's a good man, but he is a performer. And you should try to think of a performer as a small, helpless child.' Jeannie: 'No, Artie. I have sex with him.'

Artie · Hank Kingsley:Artie: 'I'm so sorry.' [beat] Hank: 'Not now, Hank, please.' / 'Red alert.' Artie: 'Forgive me, Jeannie. Beverly, escort Jeannie backstage please. I've got some fine chocolate truffles from Luxembourg right on the monitor.'

Artie · Hank Kingsley:Artie to Hank: 'I hope for your sake you're not crying wolf.' / Hank: 'I think it's either the lighting or the fact that the crew is talking backstage during his interviews.' Artie: 'He's fighting with his wife.' Hank: 'About the lighting?'

Artie:Artie: 'I've got some fine chocolate truffles from Luxembourg right on the monitor.'

Sid · Second Crew Member:Second crew member: 'He's fighting with his wife.' Sid: 'About the lighting?'

Billy Crystal:Billy Crystal: 'I've never had to stay up that long during an intro. On any guest. On any intro of anything.'

Billy Crystal:Billy Crystal: 'This is for the life story of Pavarotti. I'm playing him... No, I play him as an infant.'

Larry Sanders · Billy Crystal:Larry: 'Your face is a little full.' Billy Crystal: 'We were talking backstage. My face is not full.' Larry: 'I'm looking in the monitor right now.' Crystal: 'Well, that's distorted.'

Billy Crystal:Billy Crystal: 'Last time I saw him, he was swimming the Atlantic, I think.' (about Jack Palance)

Larry Sanders · Billy Crystal:Larry asks Crystal to do his 'Fernando' character on air; Crystal says he hasn't done it in 'about eight years' and 'everyone else was doing it more than I was'

Larry Sanders · Catherine O'Hara · Billy Crystal:Larry asking about Fernando (Crystal's character); O'Hara piping up from across the desk — 'Catherine, don't you... don't you miss it? Let me get you water.'

Billy Crystal · Larry Sanders:Billy Crystal backstage: 'You're killing. You're asking all of this old stuff. "You look marvelous"? Jack Palance? That was last year. I want to talk about the movie.'

Larry Sanders · Billy Crystal:Crystal complains about his manager, says he was bumped from the first SNL. Larry: 'Don't tell me this story again. I'm so tired of hearing this story. I beg of you, don't put me through this again.'

Larry Sanders:Larry: 'My life is falling apart. I'm glad these TV cameras are here to cover it. This is like the Hindenburg. When will you start shouting, "Oh, the humanity"?'

Artie · Larry Sanders:Artie: 'What you're going through is not altogether bad for the show. Why don't I have an argument with my wife every night? Maybe. That's up to you. But all I can tell you is that we've got half the anniversary show right here!'

Artie:Stage manager: 'Larry, I tried to stop her. I think she's leaving.' Artie: 'No, lad. There's only seven minutes left in the show!'

Hank Kingsley · Artie:Hank: 'Fuck 'em.' Artie: 'What he means is schmooze 'em.'

Larry Sanders · Artie:Larry proposes two weeks at the Hanau Maui Ranch as a solution to the marriage crisis; Artie immediately responds with the sweeps week guest list: 'It's sweeps. We have Schwarzenegger, Roseanne without the husband...'

Unknown Female Staffer:Anonymous female staffer: 'I can't believe this. You guys are pathetic. This is so unprofessional. You wouldn't catch black folks doing this. The man takes charge. And the woman gets what she wants without making a fuss.'

Artie:Artie: 'But that's exactly how I would have handled it.'

Unknown Female Staffer:Female staffer asks: 'Has Larry been drinking again?'

Billy Crystal:Billy Crystal: 'It's sort of like a Raging Jew.'

Artie:Artie: 'We lost the clip.'

Larry Sanders · Billy Crystal · Jeannie Sanders:Larry introduces Jeannie to Billy Crystal on air: 'Have you met my wife?'

Jeannie Sanders:Jeannie on air to the live audience: 'Hi, Mom. How's Chicago?'

Larry Sanders:Larry to Jeannie: 'Hi, Mom. How's Chicago?' — pause — 'That saved us a phone call.'

Larry Sanders:Larry: 'That saved us a phone call.'

Larry Sanders · Jeannie Sanders:Jeannie: 'Well, I've been up to a lot of things. A lot of different things.' Larry: 'Listen, that is great. I want to know them all, but we won't have time tonight.'

Larry Sanders · Jeannie Sanders:Jeannie: 'Well, honey, next week is sweeps week. I don't want to bump any big guests.' Larry: 'Wait a minute...' [checks clipboard] 'Kim Basinger. Good-bye. Hello, Jeannie Sanders. Tuesday night.'

Larry Sanders · Jeannie Sanders:Jeannie: 'I'm sure our ratings will soar.' Larry: 'So that's good. Kim Basinger can do maintenance that day.'

Artie:Artie: 'Delightful! This is the best show we've ever done!'

Artie:Artie, post-show: 'Delightful! This is the best show we've ever done!'