The Talk Show Episode

Hank:Or does that say 'applesauce'?

Jeannie:The only way we'll talk is if I'm booked on the show as a guest.

Larry:Fine. I'll book you. You're on. Except then you can't do Arsenio for the next three to six months

Stage Manager:Five, four, three, two...

Larry:What does that mean?

Larry:Marilyn Quayle had the only one that said, 'I'm with stupid.'

Artie:Dr. Ruth is just back from Africa. I'll book her tomorrow night.

Larry:It's not a sexual problem, Artie.

Larry:I remember when you were making those toaster waffles, you were very happy.

Jeannie:Don't tell me that I was happy. I was not happy. I haven't been happy for weeks, including yesterday when I made the toaster waffles, which, by the way, you like.

Hank:Chicago gets my attention 'cause I like that city and it has a very distinctive-sounding name. I did Second City in Chicago, too, so I have fond memories. I did Second City mostly in Toronto, but I also... Chicago reminds me of Toronto.

Hank:I did Second City in Chicago, too, so I have fond memories. I did Second City mostly in Toronto, but I also...

Jeannie:They get you for 8 minutes, and I get you for 90 seconds. That's pretty much the problem in a nutshell.

Larry:Isn't this a good crowd?

Hank:A beautiful crowd.

Larry:Isn't this a good crowd?

Hank:A beautiful crowd.

Larry:No, my show is your footrest. Think of it that way.

Catherine O'Hara:We basically want to kill him, I think.

Hank:Yeah, well, you said it twice there.

Artie:If they cross two or more time zones, that's a rule of thumb. Probably gone for good.

Catherine O'Hara:The last time you met him for the first time was at Chevy Chase's party.

Larry:Do you get along with him?

Catherine O'Hara:Bo?

Larry:No, Chevy.

Catherine O'Hara:No.

Larry:Neither do I.

Larry:I'm fucked.

Larry:The show is a torturous, miserable hell.

Jeannie:There's no need to protect him. This month is normal.

Hank:Sure, he ignores you, but nothing in life is free.

Hank:One time they were doing it, he slipped up and called her 'Emmy.'

Beverly:He's the star of the show, Paula.

Paula:No duh, Beverly.

Artie:They're just women. They're projecting their own neuroses on you. They're all sick. You don't think they wish they were you?

Artie:Six weeks is her longest relationship except when she went on tour with Oingo Boingo. I think that was eight weeks.

Hank:Six weeks is her longest relationship... except when she went on tour with Oingo Boingo. I think that was eight weeks.

Jeannie:Do you know that I sleep all day? For the last two weeks all day, every day I'm asleep.

Artie:You should try to think of a performer as a small, helpless child.

Jeannie:No, Artie. I have sex with him.

Billy Crystal:This is for the life story of Pavarotti. I'm playing him... No, I play him as an infant. And what did he weigh back then, would you suppose? He was about 185.

Larry:And what did he weigh back then, would you suppose?

Billy:He was about 185.

Larry:How's Jack Palance?

Billy Crystal:Last time I saw him, he was swimming the Atlantic, I think.

Billy Crystal:You're asking all of this old stuff. 'You look marvelous'? Did I ask you to do the 'you look marvelous'? Jack Palance? That was last year.

Billy Crystal:You can't let your personal life bleed into the show. I have a lot on my mind, but I'm trying to do my job.

Larry:Don't tell me this story again. I'm so tired of hearing this story. I beg of you, don't put me through this again.

Larry:This is like the Hindenburg. When will you start shouting, 'Oh, the humanity'?

Artie:Maybe. That's up to you. But all I can tell you is that we've got half the anniversary show right here!

Beverly:It's sweeps. We have Schwarzenegger, Roseanne without the husband. We also have Julia Roberts. We have Cher, Aerosmith, the US Olympic basketball stars.

Paula:You wouldn't catch black folks doing this. The man takes charge. And the woman gets what she wants without making a fuss.

Billy Crystal:It's sort of like a Raging Jew.

Billy Crystal:It's very much his relationship... four, five, six... with his brother.

Larry:We lost the clip.

Larry:Hi, Mom. How's Chicago?

Larry:Well, honey, next week is sweeps week. I don't want to bump any big guests. Wait a minute. Kim Basinger. Good-bye. Hello, Jeannie Sanders. Tuesday night.

Larry:Kim Basinger. Good-bye. Hello, Jeannie Sanders. Tuesday night.

Larry:Kim Basinger can do maintenance that day.

Artie:Delightful! This is the best show we've ever done!

Artie:This is the best show we've ever done!