Out of the Loop

Warm-up Host:Now that sign says 'applesauce.' I'm kidding. It says 'applause.'

Larry Sanders:November 4 is the day Jerry Brown may drop out.

Larry Sanders:Perot dropped out because they wouldn't put a Supercuts in the White House.

Larry Sanders:Not bad, Jerry, considering everything you wrote is dying.

Artie:The monologue was awful. A piece of shit, but you're hilarious when you're bombing.

Hank:Everybody but you, of course.

Larry:Shut up.

Larry:Three months. We should find out if he has any head writing experience.

Peas in a pod.

Larry:Lesbians?

Artie:No, just friends.

Artie:One of them can't get through a metal detector.

Larry:Which one?

Artie:Which one do you think?

Larry:Couldn't get a Supersaver?

Larry:Is this a new... Is this a new chair?

Jeannie:Yes.

Larry:I did not know that.

Larry:I can't watch it again for the second time. Too much pain.

Larry:This can't possibly be number 7 for 45 seconds.

Beverly:I know, Larry, but I got distracted for a moment.

Larry:By what?

Larry:Beverly, I want to know. What could be more important than my burrito?

Larry:Beverly, I want to know. What could be more important than my burrito?

Larry:Was my mug out there? 'Cause in this day and age, you can't...

Larry:Steer clear of the phrase 'Jerry's penis' when I'm biting into this cold burrito.

Phil:You know I'm talking about Jerry, right? He's really fucking up.

Artie:We'll just give you a hot dog and a beer and you can sit there and watch it on a little TV like those guys do at a ball game.

Hank:All I could see was Mr. Heston's rug and a bit of the back of Larry's jacket.

Artie:That's a tragedy.

Larry:It's about Jerry and Sally.

Artie:Fucking. I know.

Artie:Behind your desk. That's new carpeting, that little prick.

Artie:It's taken us eight years to disconnect you the way you always wanted to be.

Larry:Do you ever notice that we get caught up in a certain kind of thought process?

Artie:What thought process?

Larry:Like the one we're involved in now.

Artie:We should try and put a stop to it.

Larry:Fine.

Artie:Stop it we shall do.

Artie:Stop it we shall do.

Norm Crosby:I heard you're having one of those 'interorifice' relationships with one of the girls in the Sterno pool.

Jerry:I said, 'This job is a pain in the bass' and I got outta there.

Larry:I said, 'This job is a pain in the bass' and I got outta there.

Hank:It's October... and we all know what that means.

Hank:If Princess Di were here... I'd tell her, 'Hang in there.'

Hank:I'd kill for a Dreamsicle right now.

Hank:Maybe it's me, but I think Sharon Gless should be on TV every night.

Hank:I sure do miss the Cowsills. That miniskirted mom sure was sexy.

Hank:I am telling you, nothing beats that missionary position.

Hank:I am telling you, nothing beats that missionary position.

Newsletter writer:We never edit 'Hank's Thoughts.'

Artie:If he bangs her any harder, the air bags are going to inflate.

Artie:If he bangs her any harder, the air bags are going to inflate.

Jerry:Suddenly this girl comes around and says I remind her of her teddy bear. What am I supposed to do?

Jerry:I'm worthless as a writer and as a man. I need help. I'm addicted, and I need a program.

Jerry:I'm addicted, and I need a program.

Jerry:The only reason you're able to write so much is 'cause you never get laid.

Jerry:The only reason you're able to write so much is 'cause you never get laid.

Larry:It sounds to me like, with Eddie, you get a lot of boyfriends at once. So I would stay with him.

Larry:Number three: Put your mother in a nursing home. Don't even give it a second thought.

Larry:Number three: Put your mother in a nursing home. Don't even give it a second thought.

Peter Falk:Don't ask me back on this fuckin' show again.

Peter Falk:Don't ask me back on this fuckin' show again.

Larry:I love this son of a bitch!

Peter Falk:I love this son of a bitch!

Larry:You guys are somethin'.

Peter Falk:Look at this guy.

Larry:You guys are wild.

Peter Falk:Well, it's nothin' I haven't seen before... but not in a room full of 250 people.

Jerry:Sally and I are very much in love. We are spontaneous people.

Sally:I've accepted a position on Saturday Night Live as a talent coordinator.

Larry:When were you planning on telling me?

Sally:I didn't know when to tell you.

Sally:Besides, this gives me a chance to be with my boyfriend again.

Jerry:You have a boyfriend?

Sally:Yes! He's a writer on the Letterman show.

Larry:That is wrong on so many levels. I don't know where to start.

Artie:She's 53, fit as a fiddle.

Larry:I did not know that.

Hank Kingsley · Staff member (Darlene):Jesus! / I think that's Jerry and Sally fucking in the parking lot.

Staff member (Darlene) · Hank Kingsley:I might just do a little editing. / We never edit 'Hank's Thoughts.'

Artie · Hank Kingsley:– Hey, Hank. – Jesus. Come here. – Listen... – Come here! – Don't make me look at your car again. – Look! / [they watch Jerry and Sally in the parking lot together]

Hank Kingsley · Larry Sanders · Artie:That little rat bastard. I thought you had a talk with him. / I did. / Hell of a lot of good it did. / If he bangs her any harder, the air bags are going to inflate.

Larry Sanders · Artie · Hank Kingsley:Hey, you little shit! Enjoy yourself, 'cause you're going to be fired! / Look. It didn't even faze him.

Hank Kingsley:Wow. I thought I had a hairy ass.

Artie:Not that I haven't done it in a car in a parking lot... but Jesus Christ!

Jerry (Head Writer):My old girlfriend dumped me, and I felt like shit. Suddenly this girl comes around and says I remind her of her teddy bear. What am I supposed to do? You saw her.

Jerry (Head Writer):I'm worthless as a writer and as a man. / I need help. / I'm addicted, and I need a program.

Jerry (Head Writer) · Phil (Writer):Kiss-ass. / Were you talking to me or yourself? / I was talking to you. / The only reason you're able to write so much is 'cause you never get laid.

Phil (Writer):Yeah, well, at least I'm not porking the runners.

Larry Sanders:Hey, there's breakable stuff in here... plaques, so forth.

Beverly · Larry Sanders:My boyfriend. / Is he on the show? / No. / You know how you said we could discuss things with you other than business? / Yeah. Absolutely. / Forget it. It's stupid. / Come on. / Forget it.

Larry Sanders · Paula Poundstone:All the stress is dissolving. Picture yourself by a lake in Connecticut... and the only sounds you hear are that of birds... and lapping water... / Larry? / Paula?

Jerry (Head Writer) · Sally:This is so wrong. / If he catches us, he's gonna kill us. He's gonna fire me. / Are you really the head writer? / You know I am.

Paula Poundstone:Paula's boyfriend monologue: 'I'm not quite sure whether I really like him or I'm just using him to give me the attention I need because I felt so lonely after Radu and all that bullshit.'

Larry Sanders:You know, I have a show to do. But here's a little advice. What I would do is... / It sounds to me like, with Eddie, you get a lot of boyfriends at once. / So I would stay with him. Okay? / Number two: I'd buy the car. I think it's over your price range, but you'll feel good about yourself. / Number three: Put your mother in a nursing home. / Don't even give it a second thought.

Larry Sanders · Peter Falk:Larry in the middle of an interview with Peter Falk is interrupted by — presumably — seeing Jerry and Sally on the stairwell from his desk during the taping.

Peter Falk · Larry Sanders:Clear. / Don't ask me back on this fuckin' show again. / What's that? / I said, don't ask me back on this fuckin' show again.

Artie · Peter Falk:This is delightful. Just delightful. / I know this guy, your producer. He's bad news. / Yeah? / 'Delightful'? Delightful, my ass. / I'm sorry you had to have this son of a bitch on the show. / You wanna go? Let's go! Right here, right now! / I love this son of a bitch!

Peter Falk · Larry Sanders:What's goin' on up there? / Up where? / There, on the stairwell. / That's our head writer making out with his girlfriend.

Larry Sanders · Artie · Peter Falk:Sorry you had to see this, Peter. / Yeah, what you must think of us. / Well, it's nothing I haven't seen before... / but not in a room full of 250 people.

Larry Sanders · Jerry (Head Writer) · Sally:I am in the middle of a Peter Falk interview, and we see you doing that? / What are you thinking? / Sally and I are very much in love. / Geez! / We are spontaneous people.

Sally · Larry Sanders:Mr. Sanders, can I say something? / Please. / I've accepted a position on Saturday Night Live as a talent coordinator. / What? / I'll be leaving for New York Tuesday.

Sally · Jerry (Head Writer):Besides, this gives me a chance to be with my boyfriend again. / You have a boyfriend? / Yes! He's a writer on the Letterman show. / That is wrong on so many levels. I don't know where to start.

Phil (Writer) · Larry Sanders:Got a minute for some sketch ideas? / Not now. / They may be rough. Pitching in the dark 'cause I haven't had much direction.

Jerry (Head Writer) · Phil (Writer) · Larry Sanders · Artie:– You son of a... – Son of a what? – Son of a bitch! – You taking a little nooky break? – Thank you. – You've been riding my ass all week! – Hello? Meeting? – I've been saving your ass! – Saving my ass? My ass! / Jesus, go get a job on The Byron Allen Show. / Bump it down three points.

Larry Sanders · Artie:Sorry. Artie, you gotta disconnect me. / You couldn't fire Johnny Big Balls? / It's a lot more than that. These people, they're like leeches, I'm telling you. They sense a life force, and they just suck the energy out of you. / You gotta help me. / I warned you, didn't I? / It's harder to disconnect than it is to connect.

Larry Sanders:I just want out of the loop. This is a bad, evil loop. / Get me out. Please? / I'm begging you.

Artie:Lorne Michaels and I go back to when he was trying to get his green card. We're like that.

Larry Sanders:Son of a bitch.

Larry Sanders · Artie:Listen, I told Paula not to put her mother in a nursing home. / See, that's where you and I really disagree, now, okay? / She's 53, fit as a fiddle. / I did not know that.

Hank Kingsley · Artie · Larry Sanders:Guys, excuse me. Have you seen Darlene? / What's the matter? / Just a little newsletter mix-up. / I saw Darlene. She was FedEx-ing a whole stack of these things. / [Hank reacts in horror]