Party

Larry:Okay, ready? Now, first, you take off your clothes.

Larry:Or does that say 'applesauce'?

Larry:This tie? You like it? Doesn't make my butt look fat, does it?

Larry:I'm going, 'Oh, jeez. Well, at least he's off the island.'

Artie:The joke doesn't work unless he ends with the words 'adjustable beds.'

Toilet monitor is busted, boys.

Artie:She's halfway to her ideal weight, whatever that's supposed to mean.

Larry:You've never been to the house before?

Artie:Not that I recall. I have no mental picture.

Larry:Your House? What is that, a new Chinese place?

Larry:Be there or be square.

Artie:I can do both.

Larry:That's one person every two hours, half a person every hour.

Jeannie:They're half salt, half vodka. Swear to God, the olive floats at the top.

Beverly:Has anyone ever been to Larry's house for dinner?

Not that I know of.

Beverly:That's weird. There must be a reason.

Friend:She's getting a promotion. Damn it!

Larry:These are vitamins.

Hank:Hey now! Well, I accept. I am... I'm very honored... and I would never miss a Larry Sanders event.

Hank:You tell her it's a big Larry Sanders shindig... a real time-of-your-life blowout. You tell her everybody's gonna be there.

Darlene:I wasn't invited.

Hank:Hey. Hank'll make it right.

Jeannie:As the talent booker, I work hands-on with the people. That's like a segment producer. To be blunt, she's like a glorified secretary.

Larry:Oh, shit. That fuckin' dinner. For once I try and join my personal life with my work life.

Darlene:I'm gonna bring my tarot cards tonight and do your wife.

Larry:But just the tarot reading will be fine.

Phil:Oh, Larry! What should I bring tonight? Ice? Chips? Salt!

Larry:Phil, you know, I've got this... Ulcer? Party.

Jeannie:You're putting everything we own into a box.

Larry:Just a couple of things, like Aquarium Digest.

Larry:Then they'll decide we're not as happy as Burt Reynolds and Loni.

Jeannie:You do drink.

Larry:I do not drink.

Larry:Ooh, you're not my beautiful wife. Hey, hey, welcome. No dates?

Jeannie:It is! You cry every time at the end... when he finishes with his mission on Earth and has to go back to heaven.

Artie:Just because Cheers was a hit, every asshole thinks he can mix a drink.

No, Larry paid for it.

Cost him a few thousand dollars too.

A few thousand dollars?

That's right.

It's not that funny.

Hank:I wrote some party jokes for you to use throughout the night.

Jeannie:I said no, so we ended up dry-humping on the couch all week. He's an animal.

Jeannie:Then, of course, that night he wanted to have sex. I said no, so we ended up dry-humping on the couch all week.

Larry:Hey, would you mind using the bathroom downstairs?

Martin:Just saw more than one car, so I got to thinking... 'That's not right.'

Martin:Didn't scrimp on anything, did ya?

Martin:Instead of saying, 'Hey now!'... you'd say, 'Come here!'

Martin:That is what you can use if the show goes off the air.

Jeannie:You were spying on me?

It's a toga. Must be a white thing.

Artie:Drink it, you pussy.

Hank:The thing is, see, our coats? Yeah? They're in the bedroom... and, well, the bedroom door is locked.

Hank:I never put my keys in the bedroom, in case someone gets in a sleepy mood.

Artie:Five marriages.

Artie:Now I'm going downstairs and I'm gonna take care of that... sack of human shit with a camera.

Larry:One of those little Lady Di smiles.

Larry:I'll bet Letterman fights with that woman who claims to be his wife.

Larry:Great party. Great. It was great.

Larry:Great party. Great. It was great.