The Warmth Episode

Larry Sanders:Now, that sign says "applesauce." No, no, I'm kidding. It says "applause."

Larry Sanders:If I seem a little confused, I'm just in a lot of turmoil. I just feel so stupid. I don't know if I should be pulling... for Bosnia or Herzegovina.

Larry Sanders:So, Bill Clinton intends to actually stop the fighting in Bosnia. At least, that's what he was overheard saying to some chick in a bar.

Larry Sanders:The surgeon general announced today it is now official. You're not fully clean unless your "Zestfully" clean.

Larry Sanders:I told you. I told you that joke would not work, didn't I, Hank?

Hank Kingsley:Well, it's very funny to me.

Larry Sanders:The surgeon general announced it is now official. You're not clean... Maybe I didn't say it exactly right. You're not fully clean unless your "Zestfully" clean.

Larry Sanders:It gets funnier every time I hear it. See, you can't go for the masses. No, I'll just go... Just announcers around the country are laughing.

Larry Sanders:it's 11:40 on Thursday... and that can mean only one thing... it's time for a "Hank Weight Update."

Hank Kingsley:One hundred ninety-eight and a half.

Richard Simmons:This picture was taken an hour ago in the commissary.

Richard Simmons:I have not mentioned the fact that he's bald.

Larry Sanders:I don't like when you scold me.

Larry Sanders:I think Richard Simmons is very funny, but what's he always jumping around for? He's got the energy of a squirrel. I don't think that's healthy, is it?

Larry Sanders:I think it's all a front. I think we're gonna catch him... going through a Dumpster at Winchell's one night, and it'll all be over. Right there on the Enquirer, him eating a few doughnuts from the trash.

Artie:Every 30 days, they take their thumb out of their ass, scribble down numbers.

Artie:It's not the size of the number. It's the motion of the ocean.

Larry Sanders:Oh, for God's sakes, Artie. I wish you were a woman. I'd feel a little better when you say that.

Larry Sanders:Look, he's below Mengele.

Larry Sanders:Is there something we can do about my likability?

Larry Sanders:Yeah. That's why I have someone walk me to my car at night.

Jeannie Sanders:In your own way.

Jeannie Sanders:You're a funny person, and all funny people have a certain amount of rage.

Jeannie Sanders:People watch your show because you're partly an asshole.

Larry Sanders:For God's sakes. It's my fucking living room too, honey. There you go.

Larry Sanders:I don't mean to sound like a jerk. I'm Larry Sanders.

Don:What the fuck are you doing, man? That's Mr. Sanders!

Larry Sanders:One time, Joan Embery brought something on I was attracted to. Bad policy to date a guest... especially when they have to be back at the zoo at 6:30.

Larry Sanders:Well, how about if I sit in this chair... and you take pictures of me?

Beverly:They fired the guard who wouldn't let you in this morning.

Beverly:You've gotta stop letting that man pluck your nerves the way you do.

Larry Sanders:Maybe you're right. "Pluck your nerves." Is that a black thing?

Beverly:You're such an idiot.

Larry Sanders:But the homosexual community likes me.

Larry Sanders:Pass. Let's call a brief moratorium... on all world's youngest, world's oldest pitches.

Larry Sanders:Look at this! We have the world's best skier under the age of four. Very funny. Pass.

Artie:If 20 random people decided... that you'd look better with a crew cut, would you get one?

Larry Sanders:Yes.

Hank Kingsley:Is this an affiliate problem? I would be more than happy... to fly out to Bumfuck, Arkansas or wherever... and give them the old dog and pony show.

Hank Kingsley:I'm with Widenfield-Johnson. They are the best. They handle everything... appearances, endorsements, charities.

Larry Sanders:I didn't know you did charity work.

Hank Kingsley:Oh, yes.

Larry Sanders:Really?

Hank Kingsley:I give of myself.

Larry Sanders:Good for you.

Hank Kingsley:The pay's great.

Hank Kingsley:They got me, you know, TB this year.

Larry Sanders:Tuberculosis?

Hank Kingsley:Yes, sir. The lung disease.

Hank Kingsley:Contagious?

Hank Kingsley:Contagious?

Darlene:Why isn't he that funny on the show?

Larry:I just really appreciate... all the hard work that you do. Maybe Thursday or something, we'll all get together and...

Artie:The harder they cry, the funnier you are.

Artie:"Tastes great on steak"? What kind of a shit line is that?

Hank Kingsley:Some friends yesterday insisted that I join them at a smorgasbord.

Larry Sanders:Really?

Hank Kingsley:I just had salad.

Larry Sanders:Was it an all-you-can-eat buffet?

Hank Kingsley:Yes, it was.

Larry Sanders:Really?

I like that guy who goes, "Hey now." Yeah, he's funny when he goes, "Hey now." "Hey now."

Larry Sanders:There isn't one person in here I haven't seen on America's Most Wanted. I'm telling you, we should be making a phone call right now.

Focus group member:He does have really big nostrils... and they're kind of uneven, but I like that.

Focus group member 1:I like Larry because he's from Minneapolis, and I'm from Minneapolis. "Hey now."

Focus group member 2:I didn't know he was Canadian.

Larry Sanders:Now I know why Baywatch is in the top ten.

Larry Sanders:Twenty people could say they liked me, and I'm telling you... I would still be thinking 17 of them are lying... two of them probably have severe emotional problems... and one of them's probably confusing me with Larry King.

Artie:The sooner you start liking yourself... you won't care what other people think.

Larry Sanders:Great. Then I'm totally fucked.

Steve Himmel:Thanks.

Larry Sanders:You must be from Minneapolis.

Steve Himmel:No, I'm not.

Larry Sanders:Why?

Steve Himmel:Oh, just a bad guess.

Steve Himmel:Hey, what are you laughing at?

Larry Sanders:Oh, nothing.

Steve Himmel:Are you guys making fun of me?

Artie:Oh, no, no.

Steve Himmel:Fuck you! Show biz assholes!

Focus group member:I guess my favorite parts were Martin Mull... the opening monologue, the celebrity products and Hank. Hey now!

Larry Sanders:I just want to say, I don't say this often enough, I just really appreciate all the hard work... (trails off)

Larry Sanders · Artie:I have too much eyeliner on, don't I? / Just because a focus group will be watching this show tonight doesn't mean we'll do anything that we don't usually do.

Larry Sanders:Just because a focus group will be watching this show tonight doesn't mean we'll do anything that we don't usually do.

Larry Sanders:Liz Taylor's Passion — a scent for women, and it tastes great on steak.

Staff Writer · Larry Sanders:'Tastes great on steak'? What kind of a shit line is that? We had that great Larry Fortensky joke, and he wimps out and does this crap. / I wrote the steak line.

Hank Kingsley · Larry Sanders:Some friends yesterday insisted that I join them at a smorgasbord. / Really? / I just had salad. / Was it an all-you-can-eat buffet? / Yes, it was. / Really?

Focus Group Member:Why does he keep saying 'really'? It gets on my nerves.

Focus Group Moderator · Focus Group Member:But what I'd like to know is, do you find Larry friendly, mildly friendly, neutral, or not friendly at all? / Um, neutral.

Focus Group Member:Likable, unlikable, killer, pathological killer, psycho killer.

Focus Group Members:I like that guy who goes, 'Hey now.' / Yeah, he's funny when he goes, 'Hey now.' / 'Hey now.'

Focus Group Members:I like that guy who goes, 'Hey now.' / Yeah, he's funny when he goes, 'Hey now.' / 'Hey now.'

Artie:There isn't one person in here I haven't seen on America's Most Wanted. I'm telling you, we should be making a phone call right now.

Focus Group Moderator · Focus Group Member · Other Focus Group Members:Do you find Larry likable? / Yes. I saw him at the Seafood Broiler one night, just like a regular guy. / What was he eating? / He had that... what are those little white fish things... / Scallops. / Broiled? / Sautéed.

Focus Group Member · Larry Sanders · Artie:Why doesn't he have Howie Mandel on? Howie Mandel cracks me up. / I told you we should have booked him. / Call him tomorrow.

Focus Group Member:He does have really big nostrils, and they're kind of uneven, but I like that.

Larry Sanders:Would you stop it? Stop it!

Focus Group Members:I like Larry because he's from Minneapolis, and I'm from Minneapolis. / 'Hey now.' / I didn't know he was Canadian.

Focus Group Members:I like Larry because he's from Minneapolis, and I'm from Minneapolis. / 'Hey now.' / I didn't know he was Canadian. / Canadians really get on my nerves.

Focus Group Member · Larry Sanders:Canadians really get on my nerves. / Oh, this is... I can't watch this.

Focus Group Member:Canadians really get on my nerves.

Larry Sanders · Artie:Oh, this is... I can't watch this. / You wanted to do it. / Now I know why Baywatch is in the top ten.

Larry Sanders:Now I know why Baywatch is in the top ten.

Larry Sanders:Twenty people could say they liked me, and I'm telling you I would still be thinking 17 of them are lying, two of them probably have severe emotional problems, and one of them's probably confusing me with Larry King.

Larry Sanders:Twenty people could say they liked me, and I'm telling you... I would still be thinking 17 of them are lying, two of them probably have severe emotional problems, and one of them's probably confusing me with Larry King.

Artie · Larry Sanders:The sooner you start liking yourself, you won't care what other people think. / Great. Then I'm totally fucked.

Larry Sanders · Richard Simmons:It's Richard Simmons. / I'm tired of running.

Steve Himmel · Larry Sanders:Hey, you're Larry Sanders. I'm Steve Himmel. I watch your show all the time. I really like you. / Thanks. You must be from Minneapolis.

Steve Himmel (random fan) · Larry Sanders:Hey, you're Larry Sanders. I'm Steve Himmel. I watch your show all the time. I really like you. / Thanks. You must be from Minneapolis.

Steve Himmel · Larry Sanders:No, I'm not. Why? / Oh, just a bad guess.

Steve Himmel:Fuck you! Show biz assholes!

Focus Group Member · Hank Kingsley:I guess my favorite parts were Martin Mull, the opening monologue, the celebrity products and Hank. / Hey now!

Hank Kingsley:Hey now!