Guest Host

Warm-up comedian:Now, that sign says "applesauce." No, no, no, I'm kidding. It says "applause."

And now, because he's already been paid, so we might as well use him... Larry Sanders!

Larry:you're so much better than last night's crowd

Dan Quayle has gotten confused and just thinks there should be more Tru-Value Hardware stores

they're still giving him a picture menu and letting him point at the food he wants

Larry:He has a new song coming out, however, called "Die, Crossing Guard, Die."

Larry:If I was a rapper, I already have my name picked out. It would be "Hey, Put Ice on That."

Larry:I know I would hurt myself, and my big controversial song would be "Hey, Mom, Get Off My Back."

Larry:What would your rap name be?

Hank:Hank the Rapper

Hank:What the fuck does Dana Carvey know about doing this show?

Hank:He does funny voices. That's what he does. "I'm going to give you a pump up."

Hank:I outgrew that horseshit in high school

Artie:Not really. Hee Haw was on.

Dana:I'm just warming up. I'm doing your show, I gotta do you.

Larry:You can't believe what it's doing in Malaysia. It's through the roof.

Dana:It's so sad.

Dana:The one sleeping bag thing didn't work.

Larry:First time I heard a complaint.

Hank:That's very interesting, Marty, but can you do this with your card?

Hank:My next guest is a good friend and a great talent. Come on, put your hands together and give a big welcome for Phil... the writer.

Artie:Don't mention the name Rupert Pupkin.

Artie:Schwing.

Paula:She's the one who reminds me I can't say "cocksucker" when I'm a guest.

Dana:Now you're the host, so feel free.

Paula:Cocksucker.

Barbara:NBC can eat shit and die.

Hank:Oh, yeah. We sent a videotape, but nonetheless...

Hank:before that I was a cruise director... so, all told, that gives me 12 years experience getting people to interact.

Hank:listening.

Hank:Does that help you at all? Or should I just go fuck myself?

Hank:you just give me a glance, I'm gonna jump right in... because that's how I carry half the show.

Dana:I'm in trouble.

Hank:I got you. Hey, now.

Hank:That snotty little shit. He's not even gonna do the glance. I'll bet he's like that twit, Leno.

Hank:I'm gonna leave him standing there with his tallywhacker right in his hand.

Dana:I'm not worthy.

Dana:I feel funny... like when I used to climb the rope in gym class.

Dana:Schwing.

Dana:You better not undo your belt. You might cause a "flab-alanche."

Dana:Sorry, I had a little Satan twister. Sorry.

Dana as Church Lady:Well, well, well, so many sluts and whores, oh, my.

Hank:You know, come on, anyone can do a monologue. Byron Allen does a monologue.

Dana:I always feel like I look like I should be in the window at Sears. "All boys' wear, half off."

Artie:He made Herve Villechaize seem funny, but without making fun of him.

Fan:Pretty insane, but she thought you were Danish Carver.

Dana:I threw up in it.

Larry:Oh, where?

Dana:In your top desk drawer.

Larry:Yeah, that's what that's for.

Larry:Hey, you clods. Who died? Hey, I'm just kidding. If someone did die, I was making a joke. Sorry.

Larry:After one night?

Artie:If I said something every time I saw something coming... we'd never get anything done.

Larry:Who... Who moved my desk? What is this?

Assistant:Mr. Carvey said there was a draft in this corner.

Larry:A draft?

Larry:Thanks, Mannix.

Larry:You know... Boy, I do not... Yeah, there's a little something.

Hank:Heard the good news. Congratulations.

Dana:Thanks, yeah.

Hank:That is great. I was gonna tell you in the hallway earlier, but I didn't get a chance.

Larry:God knows I'm not friends with Arsenio... and I swear to God, Leno tried to hit me with one of his big cars the other day.

Dana:Schwing.

Some of the things you do are not quite right.

Artie:Hank, you speak very slowly.

Dana:After the show, remind me to turn you on to a little thing called decaf.

Larry:I'm hosting the show tonight. What? That's right. I'm hosting the show tonight. I was bored on vacation anyway.

Larry:You can't say? Oh, Artie, he can't say.

Artie:No, he can't say.

Barbara:He can't say.

Dana:I'm taking the deal at NBC.

Dana:I'm not taking the deal with CBS. I apologize, sir. Thank you.

Artie:Why?

Dana:I'm taking the deal at NBC.

Larry:I didn't even know about the NBC thing.

Artie:I saw it coming.

Larry:I hate this business.

Artie:I'm telling you, I saw it coming.

Larry:And I'm telling you, I hate this fucking business.

Artie:I saw it coming.

Larry:I hate this business. I'm telling you, I saw it coming. And I'm telling you, I hate this fucking business.

Larry:Is she with lips or without lips?

Artie:I wanted to talk to you about that. One of her lips is thin, and the other one's still fat.

Dana:Yeah, I got another fishing trip offer. Bob Saget called. Huge fishing offer. It's multifaceted.

Larry:You're talking to us like we're Martin and Lewis, for God's sakes.

Dana:Just wanted to let you know, it's prime time. It would be hours before you'd ever be on television. - So don't feel threatened.

Larry:I wasn't threatened.

Dana:Well, it could be late night.

Dana:Well, it could be late night.

Larry's Wife:Larry's wife: 'Does this stuff at the Franklin Mint really go up in value?' — asked while Larry stews about Dana.

Larry Sanders · Barbara:Barbara gives Larry the rundown on the Barbara Hershey guest: 'Is she with lips or without lips?' / 'One of her lips is thin, and the other one's still fat. It's kinda funky. So don't even bring it up, okay?'

Hank Kingsley · Dana Carvey:On Dana's show, Hank discussing his horse: '"Hank's Kerchief" was her name. Perhaps best known for jumping the rails at Santa Anita three races in a row. Lovely old nag. Never did jack for me. I loved her nonetheless.'

Larry Sanders · Beverly:Larry suddenly announces: 'I'm hosting the show tonight.' Beverly: 'What?' 'That's right. I'm hosting the show tonight. I was bored on vacation anyway.'

Artie · Larry Sanders · Dana Carvey:Confronting Dana about the CBS offer: Artie saying 'Just answer the question, you little asshole' while Larry tries to frame it diplomatically.

Dana Carvey · Artie · Larry Sanders:Dana, under pressure to say if he's taking the CBS offer: 'All right, I can't say.' Artie (seething): 'He can't say.' Larry: 'He can't say.' The three of them loop the phrase, and then Dana says: 'I'm not taking the deal with CBS.' Beat. 'I'm taking the deal at NBC.'

Larry Sanders · Artie · Dana Carvey:'He can't say.' 'He can't say?' 'No, he can't say.' 'He can't say.' — Larry and Artie repeating Dana's evasion back to each other.

Artie · Larry Sanders:Artie: 'I saw it coming.' [re: the NBC deal] Larry: 'I didn't even know about the NBC thing.' Artie: 'I saw it coming.' Larry: 'I hate this fucking business.'

Dana Carvey · Larry Sanders:Dana to Larry about the fishing trip: 'I was gonna tell you everything, so I'm sorry.' Larry: 'You still wanna go on the fishing trip? Do you have another deal to go? Do you have another offer to go?' Dana: 'Yeah, I got another fishing trip offer. Bob Saget called. Huge fishing offer. It's multifaceted.'

Larry Sanders · Dana Carvey:Larry: 'Yeah, I got another fishing trip offer. Bob Saget called. Huge fishing offer. It's multifaceted.' Dana: 'So you'll probably be taking bass.' Larry: 'I'm not at liberty to say.'

Hank Kingsley · Dana Carvey · Larry Sanders:Hank to Dana: 'Thanks, Hank. He calls it the ice.' Dana: 'He thinks he's a rapper.' Hank overhears: 'I know. I don't know what that is.'

Hank Kingsley · Dana Carvey · Larry Sanders:Hank exits: 'I have to warm up the audience, so I'll see you out there on the ice.' Dana: 'All righty. Thanks, Hank. He calls it the ice.'

Larry Sanders · Dana Carvey:After Hank leaves, Larry says: 'He thinks he's a rapper.' Dana: 'I know.' Larry: 'I don't know what that is.'

Larry Sanders · Dana Carvey · Artie:Larry: 'I'll prove it to you. Why don't you co-host the show with me tonight?' Dana: 'There's not room for two guys at the desk.' Larry: 'Okay, guest sidekick. Be the guest sidekick.' Dana: 'What about Hank?' Larry: 'Thirty seconds.' [to Artie] 'Arty, tell Hank...' Artie: 'Okay. It's all taken care of.'

Dana Carvey · Larry Sanders:Final scene: Dana confesses the NBC deal 'could be late night' just as the show's opening music begins — cutting off any response from Larry.