A friend of Larry's temporarily replaces Artie as producer but schemes to make the job permanent.
WAR
95.5
Wins Above Replacement
“The New Producer” ranks #36 of 90 The Larry Sanders Show episodes on the Humor Index, scoring 88.1 — Elite. The episode packs 82 scored jokes at 3.2 per minute, averaging 7.2 on craft and 7.1 on impact, with Larry Sanders landing the most laughs. Every joke is ranked below with its individual craft and impact scores.
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Top Jokes
Robert Morton: Man, you guys sure have a lot of fuckin' plants on this set.
Larry: And the left ear is the gay ear. When you wear it low like that, it means you're catching, not pitching.
Artie Character Comedy Absurdist ★ Rewatch Larry: Remember you held my head?
Artie Deadpan/Understatement Dark/Subversive ★ Rewatch Larry Sanders: I would dump someone I love just because some new good-looking guy comes along? You know, I'm always telling you how funny you are, and how well your clothes fit, and how your ass doesn't look fat in pants. I don't do that because I have to. I do it because... I love you, you bastard.
Artie: swelling it to such a grotesque size that the skull bursts like a ripe honeydew melon. I saw a case like this in Korea once. It was a horrible, painful way to die. Yeah, the screams still haunt me.
Artie Character Comedy Dark/Subversive ★ Rewatch Callback All Jokes — 82 analyzed
Show all ↓ Hide ↑ Larry: That sign says "applesauce." No, I'm kidding. It says "applause."
Announcer: And now, because he couldn't find the exit door... Larry Sanders!
Announcer Deadpan/Understatement Character Comedy Larry: Mike Tyson was quoted as saying "I'm in love with myself." Sorry, girls. That's it. That's that joke.
They're using the young Elvis stamp for standard mail and the old Elvis stamp for packages over 300 pounds.
Jeff Cesario: Maybe she just didn't tell him where she put his medication.
Larry: Arthur, come back soon. We miss your cigar smoke in the hallway.
Hank: Horseshit. Not once in six years did he ever invite me up on the stage. Horseshit.
Hank: ¿Cómo se dice "horseshit"?
Hank: my show is being taken over by a guy who looks and sounds like Vanessa Redgrave
Larry: What's with Phil's fucking nose?
Sam: She isn't. Let's just leave it at that.
Larry: Maybe you're too easily rocked.
Larry: Does this mean we have to start wearing jumpsuits because I think only Hank has one?
Larry: If there's one thing I'm known for, it's my complete discretion.
Sam: She tried to kill herself with an overdose of Halcion. She's okay. Let's just leave it at that, okay?
Sam: This business will do that to you.
Writer: It was right on Larry's desk, right in a folder under some papers, in a drawer that was locked. Finding the key was a bitch.
Unfortunately, Phil's social maladjustment runs so deep that he is unpredictable and volatile. My guess is that he talks badly about Larry behind his back.
Phil: Larry is just the kind of asshole to read that and believe it.
Beverly: Now I'm sorry I made copies of this for everybody.
Hank is very sensitive about his age. He's only 34.
Phil Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm ★ Rewatch Phil Deadpan/Understatement Irony/Sarcasm Darlene: It's not actually here but it should be.
Set designer: I went through this same shit once with Sajak.
Writer Deadpan/Understatement Character Comedy Larry: Very funny. Very fuckin' funny.
Larry: I think you can never have enough vegetation. Ask Sting.
Hank: Oh, my God, we've been canceled.
Hank: Is Artie dead? Go ahead. Go ahead. I can take it.
Hank: That's an insult. I'm not acting dumb. I don't know what memo.
Larry: Do you believe this shit?
Larry: What do I need, a fuckin' security camera? I covered that on page three of the memo.
Jonathan: Maybe the fucking coffee will become a little bit hotter. From my own experience, fear is a great motivator.
Larry: Think I'm attractive and a great dancer, fine. But let's draw the line there.
Artie: it looks like an old Tarzan movie.
Artie: Horseshit! This isn't about those plants. This is about me. I am those plants, goddamn it.
Hank: Phone the agent. Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death...
Hank: He fired me from that QE2 Fourth of July special.
Larry: Bullshit. You've gotten an earring to make yourself look younger. What have you done to your nipples?
Artie Character Comedy Callback ★ Rewatch Callback Larry: And the left ear is the gay ear. When you wear it low like that, it means you're catching, not pitching.
Artie Character Comedy Absurdist ★ Rewatch Larry: Catching, not pitching.
Hank: Call me an ambulance.
Artie: It's Demerol, you ass, and tequila. It's a good mix.
Artie: If somebody farts in the Xerox room, I've heard about it.
Artie: I guarantee you there's nothing in there.
Artie: Drink it, or I'll knock you to the floor, step on your neck and piss in that good ear.
Artie: Never get sick. If there's one cardinal rule in show business, it's 'Never get sick.' It's when you're down, when you show the slightest weakness, that they slip that knife in your back.
Artie: I have to admire that little Iago... Jonathan Littman.
Hank: Do you think I skew to an older demographic?
Artie: You want to sit there while Kathie Lee prattles on in your good ear about how Frank hates to change Cody's poopy diapers?
Artie Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement Artie: Hello, you worthless piece of shit!
Artie Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement Artie: "Cousins Will Fuck" is the first topic.
Artie: Yeah, but that knife was wielded by a relative stranger.
Artie Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm Artie: swelling it to such a grotesque size that the skull bursts like a ripe honeydew melon. I saw a case like this in Korea once. It was a horrible, painful way to die. Yeah, the screams still haunt me.
Artie Character Comedy Dark/Subversive ★ Rewatch Callback Artie: You just want people that fear... suck up to you!
Artie Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm Larry: Hank just threw up in my wastebasket.
Jonathan: but my enthusiastic and aggressive interest in taking his job and producing this show.
Larry: Have I ever told you, Jon, I can't stand the way you talk?
Artie Deadpan/Understatement Reaction Beat Larry: Obviously you guys don't know about my Chinese weatherman. It's "fleezing"!
Larry: Remember you held my head?
Artie Deadpan/Understatement Dark/Subversive ★ Rewatch Larry: We're facing east, so it's actually the sun rising.
Larry: I do it because... I love you, you bastard.
Artie Dark/Subversive Character Comedy Escalation ★ Rewatch Callback Larry: I'm always telling you how funny you are... and how well your clothes fit... and how your ass doesn't look fat in pants.
Man, you guys sure have a lot of fuckin' plants on this set.
Artie: You couldn't wait to get that butthole buddy of yours in here because you don't want anybody in here who will challenge you! You don't want anybody... You just want people that fear... suck up to you!
Artie Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm ★ Rewatch Callback Larry Sanders: Hank just threw up in my wastebasket.
Jonathan Littman: I think Sam's reluctance to placate Arthur is based on his knowledge of my... this is an embarrassing admission... but my enthusiastic and aggressive interest in taking his job and producing this show.
Sam Fitzgerald: Okay, we're lying.
Sam Fitzgerald: Hi, Jeannie, honey? I'll be home around 8:00, okay? Just wanted to let you... Love you too. Bye.
Jonathan Littman: All right. I suppose we did make one slight, little tactical error. We did not have you on board from the very beginning. But I have to say my most egregious mistake was overlooking our friendship in my somewhat lusty pursuit of this job.
Larry Sanders: Have I ever told you, Jon, I can't stand the way you talk?
Larry Sanders · Jonathan Littman: I think we're done here. — I don't think you want to read that. — What is this?
Larry Sanders: One of Sanders's weaknesses is that he doesn't have a stable of beloved characters... a la Carnac, Aunt Blabby, et cetera.
Larry Sanders: Obviously you guys don't know about my Chinese weatherman. It's 'fleezing'!
Artie: Lee and I are going to buy that place we always dreamed about in Puerto Vallarta. Sitting on a veranda over the blue Pacific... watching the sunset... counting the pelicans.
Artie Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement ★ Rewatch Larry Sanders: Like the first week... when you couldn't hold down solid food. Remember you held my head? I don't want some new guy holdin' my head.
Larry Sanders · Artie: Remember that day... when we spent the entire morning readjusting these damn plants? — Listen, you are the one that wanted these plants. — But then you got upset... because you said you couldn't see the Hollywood sign or the sunset. — Well, you know... Well, the sunrise. — Sunset. It's a nighttime show. — We're facing east, so it's actually the sun rising. — West.
Artie · Larry Sanders: You considered that stuck-up little shit, didn't you? — I had every right to consider him. — Damn right you did. I taught you well.
Larry Sanders: I would dump someone I love just because some new good-looking guy comes along? You know, I'm always telling you how funny you are, and how well your clothes fit, and how your ass doesn't look fat in pants. I don't do that because I have to. I do it because... I love you, you bastard.
Larry Sanders: Artie, it is just lunch. Come on. We're just having lunch. I swear to God.
Robert Morton: Man, you guys sure have a lot of fuckin' plants on this set.
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