My Name is Asher Kingsley

Hank:"applesauce." No, no. I'm kidding. It says "applause."

which is a huge relief to the ranger who was in charge of putting condoms on them.

Larry:'cause now it means, you know, you'll live longer, and it'll give you more time to enjoy those huge new breasts.

Larry:had him cremated, and his remains sprinkled on 1/2 a grapefruit.

Artie:Concern and support makes Larry think something's wrong, so let's just act like nothing's happened.

Artie:Those are the last 2 words I want to hear out of your mouth.

Hank:Good morning, master Sanders.

Hank:I was a swimsuit model in the I can't believe it's a guy catalogue.

Artie:What did I just tell you?

Hank:I know, I know. I dodged a bullet.

Beverly:And do what?

Hank:hurt me as much as it hurt you.

Really?

Hank:Well, even though my... my name wasn't mentioned.

Larry:there is no new curtain.

Hank:Don't do a TV movie with your daughter. No. Don't, uh... sell jewelry. No. Don't go on E!

Larry:Put me down for a charm bracelet.

Larry:What was wrong with last night's crowd? Where did they come in from? Whew!

He claims that he was just doing research for his starring role in his next big film, the Robert downey Jr. Story.

Larry:Actually, I believe it was the recycler. I believe that's what he writes for now.

Larry:Tom, this is a needy talk show host, pal. This is a needy talk show host.

Tom Shales:I don't mind that he made a joke about me I just wish it was funny.

Larry:The song? It's "king of pain." He's an asshole. He knows. He read it.

Larry:'Cause it's Hank's.

Larry:Dear dumbfuck

Beverly:Dear dumbfuck"?

Larry:It'll be like sex.

Larry:Well, I thought it was about me, but maybe it's about you.

Larry:Larry 'suck my cock' Sanders.

Hank:that may work in your little gay paradise, but this is my life, OK?

Larry:I swear to God that I don't believe the 700 club would be on today.

Everyone is a joy.

Jake:I just got a $1,000 electric Bill. That's high, right?

That's high, right?

Jake:I have 100 refrigerators, and they're all open. That's how I cool my house.

Jake:I'll go home tonight and wake up my 9-year-old son and ask him what he thought.

Jake:Really, you're just ringing phones at random in their giant... until someone walks by and, you know... 'hello? Well, how many refrigerators do you have?'

Artie:Well, you, uh... you sit next to someone for 8 years, and you, uh... you think you know them, but, uh, you don't.

Hank:Well, I thought he said that your face was puffy.

Larry:Yeah, he said that, too.

Hank:At least you have the guts to get out there in front of millions of people and be needy.

Hank:Dear Larry... Tom shales is my favorite writer. Sincerely, Hank 'blow me' Kingsley.

Artie:Another indication it's Phil.

Larry:Was that sickening?

Hank:I did that show. Bill maher hit on me.

Larry:I did that show. Bill maher hit on me

Tom Shales:You've had other critics. You had gene siskel, that big fat Roger ebert... gene shalit, rex Reed. Never me.

Tom Shales:I didn't get any fax.

Hank:So, um... I forwarded your fax to that asshole this morning.

Larry:You dumbfuck.