Beverly's Secret

Larry:You're not goin' off to college, you know. You're spending a week with a family in wisconsin. Jeez, it's just a bit.

Hank:Why should Charles kuralt have a monopoly on this kind of shit?

Larry:Hank, Charlie's no longer with us.

Hank:I know, that's what I'm saying. It's... it's wide open.

Larry:I just realized when I said steven wright, you were actually to my right. It's a good thing your name isn't steven left because I'd be looking this way.

Steven Wright:Stephen hawking was mad at me 'cause I took his parking space, and... I said to him, 'don't you have better things to think about?'

Steven Wright:I go to lots of the games, uh-huh. I follow the team regularly, yeah. I love going to fenway park... I do not consider myself a fan. I don't want to be labeled.

Steven Wright:I've been studying Italian for years because I have to study it 'cause I eventually want to teach it.

Steven Wright:I've been raising horses for years. They're getting taller and taller, and, um, it's goin' great. You should come over sometime. We'll watch them.

Steven Wright:Horses are a fabulously interesting animal. They're one of the only species named that.

Mary Lou:I did that once. I lost 15 pounds, but I gained it all back.

Beverly:I'm not bulimic.

Beverly:I'm pregnant, all right?

Mary Lou:Oh, my God. Congratulations. Who's the father?

Beverly:I don't want to discuss it.

Mary Lou:It's not Larry, is it?

Beverly:Close?

Mary Lou:I keep thinking it's Martin lawrence.

Other Writer:Naw, he's too wild. His idea of a first date is driving into a tree.

Writer:I know things you guys don't want to know about Richard mulligan.

Oh, yeah! Yeah, because he's tired of fucking Claudia schiffer.

Sid:I just want to make a straight bet, 50 bucks, Billy dee Williams.

Writer:Oh, that is so 1970s.

Phil:I believe the word 'bad' was bandied about.

Jimmy caan?

No way. He's still tied up in court.

Larry:A lot of people don't know Hank used to work at the house of pies before he worked here.

Hank:she was the, uh, first one, uh, in her neighborhood to own a minsk coat.

Larry:I think he means 'mink.'

Hank:No, she was from minsk.

Larry:Hank, I'm no expert on pies, but that one looks like it needs to go back in for another 3 or 4 hours.

Larry:You forgot to turn the oven on.

Larry:Why don't you put your head in there, Hank? See if it's working.

Larry:I'm turning into bud melman.

Larry:not a bunch of yokels make Hank look like... an asshole!

Larry:Tonight, didn't it seem more like 54 minutes?

Artie:lady luck just gave me a blow job.

He was drinking again. He was doing so well. 91 days.

Larry:Maybe you should come in a few minutes early each morning, and then you could make some protein shakes, and then, you know, there they'd be.

Beverly:If you think I'm gonna come in even a minute early, I think you're out of your mind, because I have a life, OK?

Larry:What the fuck was that about?

Artie:Larry, she's pregnant.

Larry:Well, why didn't, um... she tell me?

Artie:Well, we thought she should, but she didn't, 'cause, you know, she didn't want to hurt your feelings. You know how close you two are.

Eriq La Salle:You think I should leave E.R?

Mr. Schmidt:I said, when I got back, I wanted you gone.

Hank:All right.

Mr. Schmidt:Did you hear me?

Mr. Schmidt:I want him out of here now. He can take his whore with him, OK?

Drew Carey:Listen to your body. Gimme a porno tape and a pizza.

Ah, comin' right up.

Drew Carey:Yes, o best body, I obey.

Drew Carey:Chef boyardee, aunt jemima, fightin' Irish. / 'Cause all I can tell you, if you're an American indian, and you're offended by the logo, all I can tell you is, hey, you should have fought harder.

If women ran the country, there would be no war.

Yeah, I'm sure no one would start a fight for no reason at all if women ran the world.

Drew Carey:You mention one hooker, you gotta mention 'em all. You never think they could be so territorial, but Jesus Christ.

Drew Carey:Great to be here at caesars. I've only been here a day. I'm already up 10 grand. Of course, I had to let a fat arab fuck me up the ass, but, hey.

Drew Carey:I think women are like snow flakes, you know, you have to have...

Larry:are you fucking my secretary?

Larry:are you fucking my secretary?

Drew Carey:No, you want me to?

Eriq La Salle:basically messed up and got his girlfriend pregnant, and they had a baby.

Larry:Talk about human, right?

Beverly:I'm pregnant.

Eriq La Salle:Hey, the more, the merrier.

They're just a pair of lungs with a dick.

Eriq La Salle:Yes! Thank you!

Beverly:You... whoa, whoa, whoa!

Michael Bolton:Still get the phantom tangle.

Michael Bolton:First of all, I did not fuck your assistant. / She's a fan of mine, she's been to a lot of shows, and I don't fuck all my fans, OK?

Larry:That haircut is gay. Do you know that?

Michael Bolton:Seriously?

Michael Bolton:My haircut's gay?

Larry:No. Their haircut.

Larry:I think I put that guy in his place.

Artie:Who, Michael?

Larry:Yeah.

Artie:Well, I'm glad you feel good about it, because it turns out that it's la salle.

Artie:We should send bolton some flowers.

Eriq La Salle · Beverly:La Salle's response to Beverly telling him she's pregnant: 'Yes! Thank you!' — then immediately backpedaling.

Beverly · Eriq La Salle:Beverly: 'I just told you I'm pregnant, and THIS is how you react? You're directing a film?' La Salle's attempt to spin his unavailability as being focused on 'doing the right thing' ends with Beverly: 'Let me help you out there. Just keep on doing what you've been doing — nothing.'

Larry Sanders · Michael Bolton:Larry to Michael Bolton post-performance: 'My God, that was great, and I love the new haircut. It's fantastic.' Bolton: 'Still get the phantom tangle.'

Larry Sanders · Michael Bolton:Larry learns from a staffer that Beverly's song on Bolton's album is 'The Best of Love' — the song Bolton just performed. Larry: 'You know, it's Beverly's favorite song on the whole album.' Bolton immediately understands and calls Larry 'a fucking asshole.'

Michael Bolton:Bolton: 'First of all, I did not fuck your assistant. She's a fan of mine, she's been to a lot of shows, and I don't fuck all my fans, OK?'

Larry Sanders · Michael Bolton:After Bolton's denial, Larry pivots: 'That haircut is gay. Do you know that?' Bolton: 'Seriously? My haircut's gay?' Larry: 'No. Their haircut.' — gesturing at Bolton's band.

Larry Sanders · Michael Bolton:Larry: 'That haircut is gay. Do you know that?' Bolton: 'Seriously?' Larry: 'My haircut's gay?' Bolton: 'No. Their haircut.' Larry: 'Yes, it's your haircut, but you know, it goes with the, uh...'

Larry Sanders · Michael Bolton:Bolton, preparing to leave after the haircut insult: 'I think it's time for me to go, OK?' Larry's goodbye: 'Hey, sensational, maestro. Come back real soon, will ya?' Bolton: 'Don't hold your breath.' Larry: 'You're terrific.'

Larry Sanders · Staff Member:Larry, post-Bolton: 'I feel better. I feel better. I think I put that guy in his place.' Staffer: 'Because it turns out it's La Salle.'

Staff Member:Final line: 'We should send Bolton some flowers.'