Friends And Family

David:I want to be very clear that I had nothing to do with this.

Roland:Well, you all look absolutely miserable.

Alexis:Wait, I was in a portrait session? I don't remember that at all.

Moira:Alexis, you were in rehab during the sitting.

Alexis:Oh. Well, that would explain it.

Alexis:I was not in rehab. I was visiting someone in rehab.

Moira:Well, the assistant's proportions were so generous, it actually made you look rather svelte by comparison.

David:Roland, I need help moving this portrait.

Roland:I'll do it for fifty bucks.

David:That seems reasonable.

Roland:Actually, make it a hundred.

David:What? You just said fifty.

Roland:I looked at it again. Two hundred.

David:Roland!

Roland:Three hundred. Final offer. And I'm leaving.

David:Why is this portrait so... imposing?

Patrick:Well, it's a large painting of an intimidating man. Both things can be true.

Johnny:We could move some of Moira's wigs. They'd make excellent furniture.

Moira:Excuse me?

Johnny:Well, they're quite sturdy. We could stack them, use them as a side table.

Johnny:This portrait really captures the strength of our family, the unity we've always shared.

David:Dad, we're living in a motel.

Johnny:Yes, well, this portrait was painted when we had considerably more...

Moira:...everything.

David:I can't share a juice box with you. Do you know how many germs are on the opening?

Patrick:Yes, David. Thousands. Millions, even. All plotting to destroy you through a juice box.

Patrick:I don't share beverages because I have a very strict hierarchy of mouth cleanliness, and frankly, most people fall into the 'questionable' category.

David:A soft launch is a strategic business decision. It's how Gwyneth Paltrow built Goop.

David:And look at her now. She's a billionaire.

David:Patrick, that's my juice.

Patrick:David, I have a very small mouth.

David:I know you do.

Patrick:So I need to sip things slowly.

Alexis:So your patient said that he wanted to make sure that you knew that he was very satisfied with his legal representation.

Ted:Alexis, I'm a veterinarian.

Alexis:Okay, so there was definitely a message. I'm pretty sure it was a person. They said words.

Alexis:It was definitely about something. Something that happened, or will happen, or... exists.

Alexis:And they sounded like they wanted me to do something about it. Or know about it. Or they just... called.

Alexis:Honestly, it could have been a wrong number. Or the right number. There was definitely a phone involved.

Alexis:Oh my God, I got a 92 in Biology!

Ted:That's... that's the class average, Alexis.

Alexis:Well, yeah, and I'm in the class, so...

Ted:Well, I should probably get going. It's getting late and I have a lot of work-o tomorrow.

David:Why is this portrait so large? It's completely disproportionate to this room.

Moira:It's a statement piece, David.

David:It's a statement that we have no taste and no spatial awareness.

David:A soft launch is when you introduce a product or service to a limited audience first, to test the market before a full launch.

Johnny:That sounds smart.

David:It is. Which is why I'm soft launching my irritation with you into a full launch of anger.

Johnny:When we opened a video store, we'd spare no expense on the grand opening. We had fireworks, we had pyrotechnics, we had a blimp that said 'Johnny Rose's House of VHS.'

David:That seems excessive for a video store.

Johnny:Well, that's showmanship, David. You have to make an impression. People remember spectacle.

Johnny:So you're telling me that if I bring in my entire family, we each get a discount?

Moira:Yes, that's how it works.

Johnny:So if I bring in David, Alexis, and you, that's three discounts. But what if David brings Stevie, and Alexis brings Ted? That's five more people.

David:Dad, that's not how this works.

Johnny:No, no, I'm onto something. If everyone brings someone, and each person gets a discount, eventually we're not paying for anything. We'll owe them money.

Moira:Well, it's less of an opening and more of a vigil.

Alexis:It's fine, Ted. Adults kiss all the time. It's just a friendly thing.

Ted:Right, like how you kiss your brother.

Alexis:Okay, not like that.

Ted:Or your father.

Alexis:No, Ted.

Ted:Your mother?

Alexis:Why are you like this?

Alexis:I love a good deal. I mean, who doesn't? But I think I might have a problem.

Alexis:I've been buying vacuums. Like, a lot of vacuums. I don't even use them. I just... I see them on sale and I buy them.

Alexis:I have seventeen vacuums in my room right now.

Ted:Well, I should probably get going. It's been... ew, david!

Johnny:You know, family portraits are a very important part of any business. They establish trust, they show stability, they demonstrate that you have people who care about you.

Patrick:It's just a very large portrait of your face.

Patrick:They're going to notice it immediately.

Patrick:Well, it's a very niche market. People who want a portrait of someone they don't know, painted by someone who's never painted before.

Patrick:Her eyes are following me.

Johnny:Yes, well, that was an expensive upgrade.

Roland:Can Gwen bring a plus-one?

David:Who's Gwen?

David:How many people are coming?

Patrick:Well, Twyla's bringing her whole family.

David:Her whole family?

Patrick:Yeah, apparently they're quite large.

Patrick:Well, the guest list has really... expanded.

David:It's gotten completely out of hand.

Patrick:I mean, at this point we're just... inserting people everywhere.

David:Mm-hmm, and now it's starting to feel a bit too tight.

Patrick:Perhaps we need to pull back and think about the... depth of what we're doing here.

David:Well, I think we're in too deep at this point.

David:Can I help you find something?

Unknown customer:Yeah, I'm looking for a gift for my cousin's roommate's boyfriend's sister.

David:Right. And what's your budget?

Unknown customer:Well, I'm not trying to spend a lot since I've never met her, but I also don't want to be rude.

David:That makes sense.

Unknown customer:Actually, you know what? Forget it. This is too much pressure. I'm just going to show up empty-handed and be aggressive about it.

Customer:This is unacceptable! Your service is terrible!

David:I'm going to have to ask you to lower your voice and watch your language in my store.

Customer:Or what? You'll what, exactly?

David:Well, I... I'll be very disappointed. In you. And possibly... ask you to leave.

David:This is exactly what happens when you take business advice from Gwyneth Paltrow. You end up with too many people in your store and a vague sense that you should be doing something with jade.

Moira:David's store is absolutely wonderful. The displays are impeccable, the selection is curated, and the customer service is... familial.

Moira:Of course, I would only shop there out of family obligation, but that's beside the point.

Customer:Can I use this foot cream on my hands?

David:It's... it's foot cream.

Jocelyn:David, what exactly is in this tea?

David:It's just a blend of herbs and botanicals. Why?

Jocelyn:Because you're being very secretive about it, and you've suddenly got all this money, and people keep coming by the store asking for it in hushed tones.

David:Those are just satisfied customers, Jocelyn.

Jocelyn:David, I think you're dealing drugs.

Roland:Well, you know, I like to enjoy a nice cup of tea in the evening. Really helps me relax. Gets me nice and loose.

Ted:I have some big news.

Alexis:Oh my god, are you finally going to tell me that what happened between us meant something?

Ted:What? No. You got your GED.

Alexis:Oh.

Moira:Alexis, darling, I just wanted to say how thrilled I am about your... engagement. You're going to make such a beautiful bribe— I mean, bride.

Johnny:We could cut it up into sections and hang them in different rooms.

Moira:Absolutely not.

Johnny:Well, what if we just cut out your face and hang that?

David:Dad, no.

Ted:I got you a gift for graduation.

Alexis:Oh my god, thank you!

Ted:It's a pen.

Alexis:A pen.

Ted:Yes.

Alexis:You got me a pen for graduation.

Ted:It's a nice pen.

Alexis:It's a pen, Ted.

Ted:The pencil was expensive, and the pricing wasn't even clear on the package. It just said 'premium pencil' — premium what? Premium eraser? Premium wood? I'm standing in the office supply store for twenty minutes trying to figure out if I'm about to spend eight dollars on a pencil or eighty dollars.

Ted:Okay, so we need to establish some ground rules here. No kissing before 9 AM on weekdays, no kissing after 10 PM on weeknights, no kissing in front of my colleagues or their families, no kissing in any public establishment, no kissing near the town well, and absolutely no kissing if either of us has recently consumed beets.

Patrick:Well, a 40% discount on opening day does tend to clear out inventory. I'd say we've successfully launched Rose Apothecary.

Alexis:David, the eyes... they're following us.

David:Yes, well, that's because they're real eyes. Which, in retrospect, was not the best decision.

Roland · Jocelyn · David:Roland asks if he and Jocelyn both buy foot cream simultaneously, does that count as a 50% discount — David: 'Have you been talking to my dad?'

Jocelyn · David:Jocelyn asks if the Joshua tree tea is drugs — 'Is it drugs?'

David:David explaining the tea came from 'Mr. Hockley who makes it out of a greenhouse on his farm... and now that I've said it out loud, I might have to double-check.'

Moira · Johnny:Moira and Johnny's ultra-vague cedar dragon tea discussion: 'I don't know. I mean, it's nice but... I think you should probably get it or not, whatever'

Ted · Alexis · Moira · Johnny:Ted mentions 'the big news' and Alexis panics, starts to explain 'the hug' — Ted clarifies he meant exam results

Moira:Moira's garbled recovery: 'I had nothing but doubts... No doubts. That you could do this.'

Moira:Moira's verdict on the portrait: 'It doesn't fit, John. And I don't just mean literally.'

Johnny:Johnny suggests cutting their faces out of the portrait to make 'four smaller, individual portraits'

Johnny · Moira:Johnny: 'Were we really that happy back then?' Moira: 'Yes.' Johnny: 'We were.' Moira: 'Oh, deliriously happy.' Johnny: 'I miss that beach house.'

Ted · Alexis:Ted's gift to Alexis: a pencil shaped like a twig from the store

Ted · Alexis:Ted gives Alexis 'a little something' for passing her exams — it's a twig. Ted: 'No, it's a pencil shaped like a twig. I got it at the store.'

Ted:Ted: 'Yes. A lot more expensive than I thought too. I hate it when they don't put price tags on things.'

Alexis · Ted:Alexis's accidental kiss — meant as 'a thank-you adult kiss' — followed by Ted's mortified 'I think maybe we should just avoid kisses for a while. Even adult ones.'

Ted · Alexis:'Adult high five' — Ted and Alexis's final resolution of the adult-kiss situation

Alexis:Alexis proposes an 'adult high five' as their final resolution

Patrick:Patrick: 'Although, you know, we'd be 25 percent richer if we'd just done a hard launch. But hey, I'm just a numbers guy.'

Patrick · David:Patrick: 'I can fix that.' — immediately after the store's success, something in the store breaks/is wrong

Johnny · Moira:The portrait finds its way to the motel front desk; Johnny: 'I wonder what else the Van Housens took from us.'

Alexis · Johnny · David:Alexis defends the portrait: 'Speak for yourself, I look super cute.' Johnny: 'Okay, that's not actually your body though.' Alexis: 'Okay, but it's my face, David.'

David · Johnny:David: 'There's something really weird happening with Mom's eyes. It's like they're following me.' Johnny/others: 'Oh, they are.' David: 'Oh God.'