Grad Night

Moira:Alexis, I was wondering if you might be able to do me a favor—

Alexis:Oh my god, yes! Finally! I have been waiting for you to offer me something.

Moira:No, darling. I'm asking *you* for the favor.

Alexis:Oh.

Alexis:She's genuinely confused by normal phrasing because she's self-centered

Moira:We must all work together as a family. It's the only way we'll survive. We're like communists, except with better bone structure. And non-union actors—willing to do anything for exposure.

Alexis:I appreciate the sentiment, but honestly, I don't want you guys there.

Alexis:I don't want my family at graduation. Do you know what my parents are going to wear? My mother will show up in some kind of caftan situation, and my father will be in a blazer that he's had since 1987. And David... David will probably wear something intentionally unflattering because he thinks it makes a statement. I just can't have that energy at my graduation.

Moira:Well, you missed your first graduation.

Alexis:What?

Moira:You were too hungover to walk across the stage at your finishing school in Switzerland.

David:My birthday is that day.

Johnny:We were just talking about your birthday!

Moira:Yes, darling, we've been discussing it all morning.

David:Mom, you were the only one talking about it. Dad was reading the newspaper the entire time.

David:Absolutely not.

Alexis:No. Hard pass.

David:I will not have my birthday conflated with a graduation.

Alexis:And I'm certainly not sharing my special day with his birthday.

Johnny:Well, I suppose that's fine. We'll just... stay home that day.

Alexis:Oh my God, David, what happened to you?

Moira:Oh, a gift receipt. How thoughtful. You know, I once received a gift without a receipt, and it haunted me for years. Much like how my family haunts me for forgetting their birthdays. Well, David's birthday. Just the one. Once.

David:If someone's family was terrible, and they had to move to a small town and live in a motel with their parents, would that be... worse than their original situation?

Patrick:Are you asking hypothetically?

David:Yes. Hypothetically.

Patrick:David, that's your exact situation.

David:I know.

David:Your family ever forget your birthday?

Patrick:Not only never forgotten, but sometimes I had multiple parties.

David:Why would you tell me that?

Patrick:So what are you doing for your birthday?

David:Oh, you know, the usual. I'll wake up at 4 AM in a cold sweat, mentally catalogue all of my failures, contemplate my own mortality, and then spend the rest of the day wondering if I'm making a huge mistake with my life.

Patrick:That's... that's what you do every day.

David:I know. That's why I'm not doing anything special.

Patrick:We could go to the cafe downtown. The food is... edible.

David:Edible? That's your idea of a compliment?

Patrick:I mean, it's there, and it's open during dinner hours. What more could you want?

David:Patrick, why are all the plants drowning?

Patrick:I was just trying to keep them fresh.

David:Fresh? They're not a salad.

Patrick:Well, I didn't know there was a specific plant watering protocol.

David:It's called not killing them.

Ted:Well, the other applicants have experience in municipal administration, they have degrees in public policy...

Alexis:And I have a degree in, um... being here?

Ted:No. No, absolutely not.

Alexis:Oh, she went to cat camp. I don't think that's a real thing.

Alexis:Wait, so you're replacing me?

Alexis:With who? Because if it's not someone gorgeous and completely unqualified, then I don't think you're doing this right.

Alexis:I mean, I don't have any real experience, I've never actually held a job before, and honestly, I don't really know what I'm doing most of the time.

Alexis:But the main reason I've stuck with it is because Ted makes these terrible puns and I get to laugh at him, and that's basically been my entire job motivation.

Ted:Wait, so you were laughing at my puns this whole time?

Alexis:Well, some of them were funny.

Ted:Some of them?

Alexis:Okay, like, one. Maybe one was funny.

Ted:Well, I have to say, Alexis, it's surprisingly generous of you to quit without notice.

Johnny:Stevie! Stevie!

Stevie:What? What is it? Did the Wi-Fi go out again?

Johnny:No, no, the Wi-Fi is fine.

Stevie:Is it the printer?

Johnny:No.

Stevie:The router?

Johnny:Stevie, nothing is broken.

Johnny:We sold out! Can you believe it? We actually sold out!

Stevie:Yeah, well, the motel had a gas leak, so people needed somewhere to stay for the night.

Johnny:I want to light up the 'no vacancy' sign.

Stevie:It's broken.

Johnny:Well, can we cannibalize parts from the other signs?

Johnny:Come on, Stevie, high-five!

Stevie:No.

Johnny:Yes!

Ronnie:You're doing a solo number? About yourself?

Moira:It's called 'Moira.'

Ronnie:Of course it is.

Moira:Well, an ensemble is really just a group of soloists who have agreed to share the same stage.

Jocelyn:Well, the good news is... actually, my parents used to do this thing where they'd say 'good news' and then deliver terrible news. Like, 'Good news, we're moving!' and then we'd move to a worse house. So now I have a pavlovian response to the phrase 'good news' where I just feel a sense of dread.

Jocelyn:Well, they all came down with this terrible stomach bug. It was absolutely horrific. People were vomiting, they had diarrhea, some of them were doing both simultaneously. There was just... fluids everywhere. One woman said she hadn't left the bathroom in three days. Another man described it as feeling like his insides were trying to become his outsides.

Moira:We won't be able to make it to your graduation.

Alexis:Why not?

Moira:We have a very important commitment that day.

Alexis:What commitment?

Moira:We're doing absolutely nothing, and we've already committed to it.

Moira:She's just being a waggish little nymph. You know, she's at that age where she thinks she's discovered irony, and she hasn't quite grasped that the rest of us have been living in it for decades.

Alexis:Mom, what are you wearing to my graduation?

Moira:Well, I was thinking the Valentino, but then I realized I could really make a statement with the graduation cap. I'm having it dyed to match my dress, and I found this woman in town who does the most exquisite beading work.

Alexis:Mom, it's a graduation cap.

Moira:Exactly. And it's going to be fierce.

Moira:You know, darling, you might want to skip the graduation cap. It'll only draw attention to the fact that you're significantly older than your classmates.

Moira:I'm so proud of you.

Alexis:Oh my god, thank you, but honestly it was like, super easy. I basically just showed up and it kind of happened.

Alexis:Mom, I want you to come to my graduation.

Moira:Well, of course Mommy's coming to your graduation, darling.

Moira:You are one of my top priorities.

Alexis:One of?

Moira:Well, I have a lot on my plate, Alexis. There's my skincare routine, my vocal exercises, my various charitable causes that I'm extremely passionate about but rarely attend.

Patrick:Well, this is wonderful. Nothing says 'successful restaurant opening' like a completely empty dining room.

Patrick:You look really nice today.

David:Thank you. I'm wearing Valentino.

David:I assumed the dress code at Café Tropical was 'black tie or a well-tailored suit.'

David:The menu features an extensive selection of proteins, artfully arranged with what appears to be some sort of... vegetable medley. There's also a soup, which I'm told is a bisque, though I suspect it's primarily cream and broken dreams. The desserts are presented in a way that suggests they were either handmade by someone with no formal training, or manufactured sometime in the Reagan administration.

David:Well, I think people are intimidated by me. I have a certain... je ne sais quoi. And I think they're also jealous of my success, my looks, my impeccable taste. So really, it's their loss.

Stevie:So you're telling me that David planned this entire birthday dinner, he's sitting right there staring at you like you hung the moon, and you're worried about whether or not he likes you?

Stevie:Wait, so everyone's getting a gift except me? David's getting a gift, Moira's getting a gift, Johnny's getting a gift... I'm the only one without a gift?

Stevie:Oh my God. I'm in a relationship and I'm not getting a gift. That's... that's actually worse than being single.

Stevie:Oh wow, a scarf. How romantic. Nothing says 'I love you' like something you can strangle yourself with.

Patrick:So you're telling me you put the gift in the closet because... why?

Stevie:Because that's where I put things when I don't want to deal with them.

Patrick:That's not a system.

Stevie:It's worked so far.

Patrick:I got you something.

David:Oh. You shouldn't have.

Patrick:I really think you're going to like it.

David:Well, I'm sure it's very thoughtful, but I should tell you that I don't really do gifts. I never have. Growing up, my parents would give me things like a cashmere sweater or a trip to Monaco, and I would just feel this crushing sense of obligation and emptiness inside.

David:Oh, Patrick. This is... this is actually really thoughtful.

David:I mean, it's not wrapped, and there's no card, but the gesture itself is...

David:You know what? This might be the most meaningful gift anyone's ever given me.

Twyla:These mozzarella sticks have been sitting under the heat lamp since yesterday.

Twyla:You know, the food here barely survives being served.

Ted:Well, technically, you didn't quit. I let you go. It was a termination.

Ted:Much more professional that way.

Johnny:Roland? You're my mystery guest?

Roland:Now hold on, before you say anything, I can explain. I'm not really Roland Schitt. That's just a name I've been using.

Johnny:What?

Roland:I've been living under an assumed identity for years. If anyone finds out who I really am, it could destroy everything I've built here.

Johnny:Roland, you've lived here your whole life. Everyone knows you.

Roland:That's what they want you to think.

Roland:I use the name 'Roland Schitt' because people remember it.

Johnny:Well, people remember the Roses too. We're very well-known in the community.

Roland:Yeah, but not for good things.

Johnny:The Rosebud Motel is a respectable establishment!

Roland:I'm thinking of doing something special tonight, if you know what I mean.

Johnny:Roland, you literally just spent twenty minutes explaining your entire evening itinerary.

Roland:Well, I mean, I explained it to you already.

Johnny:Yes, Roland, but I still don't understand what you're saying.

Roland:I know, but I explained it.

Johnny:I understand that you explained it, but I don't understand the explanation!

David:I can't stay for this. I have to go.

Ted:Oh, but David, we have a surprise performance!

David:A surprise performance? Ted, no.

Ted:It's going to be so much fun! We've been planning it for weeks!

David:That's exactly what I'm afraid of.

David:The store is a success.

Patrick:It's really not.

David:I should probably tell you something. I'm not really experienced with this kind of thing.

Patrick:What do you mean?

David:I mean, I've been with women. Several women. But I've never... I've never felt this way before. With anyone.

David:Well, I mean, that's what I do. I create moments. I'm a moment creator.

David:We can talk whenever you want.

David:Well, not in the mornings. I'm not a morning person.

Moira:Well, I suppose this is what we get for our parenting.

Johnny:What are you talking about? We're excellent parents.

Moira:Johnny, the cake says 'Happy Birthday Alexis and David.' Our children's names are Alexis and David.

David:I appreciate the gesture, but I would have preferred if my birthday and Alexis's graduation were celebrated on separate occasions. It's difficult enough to be the center of attention without having to share it.