Johnny Rose

Ray · Johnny:Ray reminds Johnny he 'doesn't have a lot right now' due to the 'crooked business manager' and 'money scandal' while showing him his own town

Johnny:Johnny asks 'Is this the real sign, or the joke sign?' upon seeing the town sign

Johnny · Ray:The extended sequence where Johnny tries to get Ray to see the sexual imagery in the town sign — 'Look a little closer, Ray'

Johnny:'I'll bet they do!' — Johnny on people coming from all over to photograph the sign

Johnny:Johnny: 'Get in the car, Ray.' — delivered as exhausted defeat after Ray's shoulders comment

Moira · Johnny:Moira refers to online commenters as 'tormentors' — she means 'commentors'

Moira · Johnny:'Good riddance,' is what they said. / Johnny: 'Oh, who said that, sweetheart?' / Moira: 'I don't know! They're no name commentors.' / Johnny: 'Tormentors.' / Moira: 'Anonymous.' / Johnny: (correcting) ... / Moira: 'Ominous.'

Alexis · Johnny:Alexis reports that Moira was 'face down on the carpet before dragging herself into the closet' — and she thought Moira was 'maybe looking for a contact or something'

Johnny:Johnny rates Moira's crisis 'a solid seven' on an apparently established scale, noting 'it's not an eight, which seems manageable for you'

Alexis · Johnny:Alexis: 'Well, my horoscope said that I shouldn't assume responsibility for anybody but myself today.' Johnny: 'Yeah, and my horoscope says, why don't you go in and help your mother!'

Johnny:'We don't want her detonating in public!'

Alexis · Johnny:Alexis: 'Though it is kind of fun to watch, though.' Johnny: 'Not when you're the one she's trying to back over with a car.'

David · Johnny:David has eye cream from Paris on a still-working credit card — Johnny: 'Oh, you're charging things to your credit card?! And how are you gonna pay for it?' David: 'I don't think you understand, I already have it.'

David · Johnny:Johnny: 'Tell that to the bags under my eyes, then.' / 'You want the smooth under eyes of a 16-year-old, get a job!'

Johnny:Johnny says he 'spent a wonderful morning with Ray' — clearly sarcastic given their sign encounter

Johnny · David:Second mock interview: 'Tell me David, why do you want this job?' / David: 'I ran out of eye cream.'

Johnny · David:Johnny role-plays as a grocery store manager to prep David for his interview: 'Ah, David Rose. You're applying for the bag boy position.' David: 'Yeah.' Johnny: 'Tell me David, why do you want this job?' David: 'I don't want this job.'

David · Johnny:David's second attempt: 'Tell me, David, why do you want this job?' David: 'I ran out of eye cream.'

Johnny:Johnny: 'And look at how you're dressed! What is this?! Colostomy bag pants!'

Johnny:Johnny finally tells Roland directly: 'It looks like your great grandfather's [bleeping] your great grandmother right up the [bleep].'

Roland · Johnny:'That isn't even Horace's wife! That's his sister.' / 'Well, how does that make it any better?'

Johnny:Johnny: 'Roland, how is anybody driving past this sign supposed to know the woman getting banged from behind is that man's sister?!'

David · Johnny:P.A. system: 'David Rose, line one.' — David answers, realizes it's his dad calling him at work on line one of a grocery store

Johnny · Alexis:The 'fixed' town sign is now apparently worse. Alexis: 'It looks like...' Johnny: 'I know what it looks like, Alexis! I know!'

David · Johnny:David resists coming into the room, arguing Johnny could have told him from where he was standing

David · Johnny:Johnny tells David to move his clothes out of the closet because David has t-shirts on hangers

Moira · Alexis · Johnny:Moira does not know Alexis's middle name — her own daughter

Johnny · Moira:Johnny: 'Terrible parents?! We sent them to the best boarding schools, we hired the best nannies... We did everything right.'

Twyla · Johnny · Moira:Twyla: 'I did. It's a little different now. My mom has this thing where half the time she thinks I'm her cousin Angela. And it's getting harder and harder to coordinate visitation times with my dad in prison.'

Johnny · Twyla:Johnny: 'I'm sorry I asked.' Twyla: 'Oh, that's okay! I'll get you your coffees.'

Johnny · David · Alexis:The family argument over whether the game is 'two truths and a lie' or 'two lies and a truth' — Johnny keeps getting it wrong

Johnny · Moira:Moira: 'Right idea, honey, but you know what? It's gotta be more challenging for everybody.' Johnny: 'Her eyes are aqua.'

Johnny:Johnny: 'You did what?!' — delayed reaction to the Thai drug lord revelation

Johnny:Johnny: 'How many people do you know that are currently in the prison system? Is it like twelve?'

Johnny:Johnny: 'I remember when Alexis was just a chubby-faced little girl racing around the house in that banned babywalker, and now she's spending time... In a drug lord's trunk?!'

Jocelyn · Moira · Johnny:Jocelyn's double entendres about her sore back: 'Even the slightest twitch in bed throws it out.' Moira: 'Perhaps a new position would help?'

Jocelyn · Johnny:Jocelyn: 'No, I ate already. Couldn't put another thing in my mouth.' Johnny chuckling awkwardly and clearing his throat.

Jocelyn · Moira · Johnny:Jocelyn: 'And then we see you with your kids and you're so... together. What's your secret?' Moira: 'Listening is so very important.'

Johnny · David:Johnny: 'Our son's clothes are no longer in our closet. Something I said finally got through.' / David: 'I just found somewhere else to put them.' / Johnny: 'Well, subconsciously I got through.'

David · Johnny · Moira:David walks in on his parents having sex and screams 'Where's my robe?!'

Johnny:Johnny: 'I refuse to feel guilty about being in bed with my wife.'

Roland · Johnny:Roland: 'You and the wife wanna bump the old uglies, huh?'

Roland · Jocelyn · Johnny:Roland tells Jocelyn 'Sex life's in the crapper' the moment Jocelyn walks in

Roland · Johnny:Roland: 'Is that the tickle trunk?' — referring to the Roses' luggage

Johnny:Johnny (muttered aside): 'Yet another disturbing look into his world.'

Johnny · Moira:John and Moira arrive at a beautiful cabin — 'Not bad! Rustic but nice.' — then cut to: the key is not under the mat

Johnny:Johnny's increasingly furious muttering: 'He's a moron! Key's under the mat, is it? The key is under the mat! Agh! That's great! Lying son-of-a... Agh! Idiot man! Moron!'

Moira · Johnny:Moira initiates a romantic role-play: 'Well hellooooo. Oh, my car broke down and it's raining, and I wondered if I might spend the night.' / Johnny: 'Well, first let's get you out of those... dry clothes and we'll see where the night takes us.'

Moira · Johnny:Moira: 'Roland has gay friends! Again, shocked and delighted.' — misreading the photo of Roland with Bob and Gwen

Johnny · Moira:Johnny: 'They just don't know any better.' — re: why the people in the photo look happy

Johnny:Johnny: 'I will get some food, I will get the wine. You... have done more than enough.' — to Moira after the eye incident

Bob · Gwen · Johnny · Moira:Bob and Gwen are found sitting in the cabin reading, having watched Johnny and Moira's entire romantic role-play

Johnny · Moira · Bob · Gwen:The Roses being locked inside a cabin that isn't theirs — Bob locks the door to prevent strangers coming in, not realizing the strangers are already inside

Moira · Johnny:Moira initiates a second role-play — this time Johnny is 'Eddie' the handyman: 'Well, thank you very much, Mrs. Rose. I don't often get compliments when I'm fixing doors.'

Moira · Johnny:Moira: 'Oh, Edward, I'm afraid I must tell you, I shan't be able to pay you today.' / Johnny/Eddie: 'Well, that's okay, Mrs. Rose. Maybe there's um... some other way you can pay me, if you get my drift.'

Johnny · Moira · Stevie · David · Alexis:The phone-chain chaos as Johnny tries to reach Herb Ertlinger through the motel — Stevie patches it through, David has headphones in, Alexis answers and tells him he has the wrong room, the call keeps getting lost

Johnny · Herb:Johnny and Moira at the winery tasting — 'There's something in mine.' Herb: 'Oh, that's a ladybug. That's one of the good ones.'

Moira · Johnny:Johnny: 'It's next to a landfill, John.' Moira: 'He said former landfill.'

Johnny · Moira:Johnny: '"Plummy bouquet"? Is this guy for real?' Moira: 'His turns of phrase leave much to be desired, but the wine is potable.'

Johnny · Moira:Johnny: 'You called it liquid stink this morning.' Moira: 'The whites seem less stinky.'

Johnny:Johnny holding up the Herb Ertlinger tote bag: 'Two-ply toilet paper has more heft.'

Johnny:Johnny: 'Are you kidding me? Come on! Hey, I haven't even given that guy a second's thought since I got home.'

Johnny · Moira:'Peachafication!' Johnny: 'Who uses a word like "peachafication"?' [beat] 'A moron... would use that.' Moira: 'That moron is the first moron to offer me an acting role in a very long time.'

Johnny · Moira:Johnny and Moira picking up trash in their formal wear while Herb's tote bag is inspected — 'But seriously, how cheap ass is that bag?' Moira, ew-ing while putting trash in the bag

Johnny:Johnny: 'Oh honey, I'm just the money behind the scenes. Not that I don't have a few company commercials under my belt, but...'

Johnny · Stevie:Johnny: 'I change my clothes. They're just all the same.' Stevie: 'Uh-huh. Yeah.'

Johnny:Johnny inspecting Moira's outfit on set: 'Is that the outfit you're wearing?' / 'It looks a little less flattering in the daylight.'

Johnny:Johnny hijacking the catering: 'Whoa, whoa, cubby, what's this? Who ordered cheese?' then eliminating both the cheese and the melon

Johnny:Johnny lingers on the shoot driveway after being sent home — 'You look good. No, keep working please.' — trying to give compliments to the crew who are ignoring him

Johnny · Thomas:Johnny: 'Maybe I should get back in the car?' Thomas: 'I'm guessing, yes.'

Moira · Johnny:Moira, locked in the bathroom trailer: 'Oh, I don't know how.' Johnny: 'There's a knob on the door.' Moira: 'No, I mean I don't know how to do this anymore!'

Johnny:Johnny, coaching Moira: 'Moira, remember "Sunrise Bay?" You were drunk most of season three... and half of season four.' [pause] 'End of season five.'

Johnny · Moira:There's a towel on the back of the door. — No, that one has dirt on it! — That's not dirt. I used it to kill a bug.

Johnny · Moira:Could alleviate some of that weight you're carrying around. — So now I'm fat and stressed?

Moira · Johnny:Did anyone actually see this pillow come out of this container? — Seriously?! Go. To. Hell!

Johnny · Moira · Ted:Tell me, Ted, are your parents still together? — Uh, no. They divorced when I was in high school. — Oh... alcoholism. — No, I think they just realized that they were better off as friends. — Tsk, tsk. Affair. Poor thing.

Johnny:So Antonio's buffet, huh? So many choices, one little plate.

Johnny · Moira · Ted:'In the morning!' Very funny, Alexis! Don't even think about it. Ain't gonna happen. — Ted, not on the first date. — Yes, sir.

Johnny · Moira:I wanna say Tanya Harding. — Do you? How about... — Jocelyn! — Oh my God, that's right! Why Jocelyn?

Johnny:Because everyone who comes out of that salon looks just like Jocelyn.

Moira · Johnny:She's coming over. I just told a joke. / You did? (Laughs) You did!

Johnny · Moira:She's coming over. I just told a joke. — You did? (laughs) You did!

Johnny:Well, which beautiful wife are we talking about here, huh?

Johnny:We have to get drinks. Several drinks, don't you think? Let's celebrate! Let's... celebrate drinking!

Johnny:Where does a 92-year-old woman need to go?!

Moira · Johnny:Well, I think you're brave... I think there is something very masculine about the way you're taking control of this situation. / Sweetheart, I'm about to beg for a truck, in order to beg for money, I think you've gotta raise that masculinity bar just... just a little.

Johnny · Roland:Roland mowing the lawn so loudly that Johnny can't ask to borrow the truck — Johnny's escalating attempts to be heard

Roland · Johnny:The extended truck-borrowing negotiation — Roland adding conditions after already saying yes

Johnny · Roland:I don't touch the wiper fluid! / Well, okay, somebody did. / Yeah well, I guess your 'imaginary friend' uses wiper fluid, right?

Johnny · Bob:Yeah, I'd love to take this baby out for a test drive. / Yeah? I've got the keys, let's take 'er for a spin. / Not with you, Bob.

Johnny · Bob:You know what I mean? / No, I don't.

Johnny:Why would I take it on the highway? ♪ driving down that highway of life ♪

Johnny:Johnny singing happily along with the radio — immediately followed by the car breaking down with clattering/hissing sounds

Johnny:Oh, just the general downtown area will be fine.

Johnny · Roland:Johnny's escalating evasion about where he's going — 'a financial guy... a financial matter... a guy I'm doing business with' — as Roland probes

Johnny:The unemployment office! Okay? I'm applying for unemployment.

Johnny:Yes, Johnny Rose, I have an appointment to get some money. / Get some money? / I need a cheque, preferably today. Ideally in the next few minutes.

Johnny:'I need a cheque, preferably today. Ideally in the next few minutes, 'cause I have somebody waiting in the car.'

Marnie · Johnny:Your name? / Johnny Rose. / Last employer? / Johnny Rose. / And how long did you work for yourself? / All my life.

Marnie · Johnny:And your reason for being out of work? / I sold my business, and I got screwed by my business manager.

Johnny · Marnie:I don't think you're understanding, I employed people, hundreds of people. / You see, and now I'm unemployed. / But that doesn't mean you qualify for unemployment. / I lost my job! / You lost your business.

Johnny:Johnny's speech about employing hundreds of people and therefore deserving money — 'am I the only one who understands how an economy works?!'

Johnny:Okay, let me walk you through this. You see, I need money to get back on my feet so I can employ more people, that might actually end up saving you money in the long run — now, am I the only one who understands how an economy works around here?!

Johnny · Marnie:I'd like to talk to your supervisor, please. / I am the supervisor. / And, may I say, doing a fantastic job.

Johnny · Marnie:Somehow, we got off on the wrong foot. Okay? So if I in any way gave you the impression that— / I am locking up now, Mr. Rose.

Marnie · Roland · Johnny:Well, unfortunately, Mr. Rose doesn't qualify for unemployment because he's never had a job. / Oh well, didn't he tell you about the job he was doing for me? / No, what job? / You didn't tell her? / No-no, not specifically, I-I-uh...

Marnie · Roland · Johnny:What were some of the things you fetched? / You fetched like uh... / Coffee. / Coffee, you'd get that... / Sometimes you'd have to... / Get a hankie. / No, you'd pick up, you know... / Cleaning, his dry cleaning. / Yeah, you'd have to do that... / Just when he didn't have time.

Roland · Johnny:One day, and that day may never come, I may call upon you to perform a function. / Marlon Brando! / Yes, but from what movie? / The Godfather. / No, it's the one where he's the big mafia guy. / The Godfather! / Hold on a second, I'll think of it.

Roland · Johnny:Why don't you just get me a little wiper fluid, and we'll call it even, okay? / Okay, wiper fluid, you got it. / And also maybe a Kleenex caddy? / I've always wanted one of those. / That's funny! / It is, but I'm not joking.

Johnny:Roland, you screwed it up! Roland!

Bob · Johnny:Oh Johnny, I told you not to take 'er on the highway. / Yeah, I'm sorry, Bob, I guess I took one of those left turns, and uh, yeah.

Bob · Johnny:Okay, well, let's get 'er hooked up, get you back to the garage, and we'll start on the paperwork. / What paperwork? / It's all filled in, you just have to sign it, and uh... / She's all yours! / I'm not buying this car!

Bob · Johnny:I'll knock twenty bucks off. / You couldn't get twenty bucks for scrap! / We'll play a little hardball, okay. / Thirty bucks! / How about zero bucks?! / I wouldn't give you a dime for this! / Johnny, you're killing me here! / Fifty bucks!

Bob · Johnny:I'll throw in a couple of floor mats, but that's my final offer! / Walking!

Roland · Johnny:You broke into his cabin and had sex while he and his wife were in the next room. Oh... That's Bob.

Johnny:I don't know Carl. We barely know Bob.

Johnny:Just, just a coffee, please. For here? Yeah.

Johnny:Yikes! That's... That hurts today.

Johnny:Johnny exaggeratedly grimacing and groaning as he gets up to join Bob, performing his fake bad back.

Johnny:Carl. Yeah, he was a good man. A good man. He admired you, Johnny. And I him. Yeah. And I him.

Johnny:I mean, I'm good one on one, but not-not good in a public situation. I clam up pret-pretty good.

Moira · Johnny:Tell me it's not always this clean in here. No, it's-it's always this clean. Oh... it smells so fresh! Uh... that's the Febreeze. I was... I was eating Indian last night, so...

Johnny · Moira:What do you say about a guy you couldn't care less about? Oh, it's Gord what's-his-name's funeral all over again. Who's Gord what's-his-name? Exactly.

Johnny:Boy, what a beautiful day for a... funeral.

Johnny:What to say about Carl... ? Once so full of life and now... lying... very, very close to me.

Johnny:And yet, for Carl, pretty much an all-consuming thing at this point.

Johnny:He-he was a- he was a man who loved... A good sweater I'm told.

Johnny:And-and he loved the feel of big tool in his hand, am I right, Bob?

Johnny:And I wonder, when Carl was spinning around on that ceiling fan that he was so very proud of...

Johnny:Where the hell are you, Sean?! At a bar?! If anyone should be in a bar right now, it's me. Sean!

Johnny:Well... I-I am here to talk about dying in Schitt's Creek! I'm here to talk about the misery of our lives here and how we might never escape this place, and how we do not wanna end up in a coffin, like Carl, here in this... godforsaken-

Johnny · Moira:Oh! Ow! Oh my God. We need to go. We need to go! We need to go!

Johnny · Moira:So I'm thinking to myself, 'Oh, God, what if I die here?' Mm. That was not lost on anyone.

Johnny:Take your time, honey.

Johnny:So, who's pig do we have to slaughter to get an invite?

Stevie · Johnny:Stevie offering a face cloth and a bath mat as 'towels'

Johnny:Are you in danger? Blink, if you're in danger.

Johnny:Oh. Well, I, uh... I've got everything I need. Good seeing you both.

David · Alexis · Johnny · Moira:David and Alexis tell their parents they need to 'get a life' and feel 'suffocated' — then both parents immediately forget what they came to say.

Moira · Johnny:Well, now I don't remember. / Yeah, I don't remember.

Moira · Johnny:It's not a phase. / Well, you know, he was very influenced... all those haircuts. / It's not a phase, John.

Moira · Johnny:Jonathan and I were just saying, wouldn't it be fun to have the mayor for cocktails and charades tonight! / Yes, tonight.

Moira · Johnny:Regular people are how Rose Video became such a... / Right, ca-careful, Moira. / Regular people! I mean, they made us... / What am I trying to say? / We love regular people. / We love regular people.

Roland · Johnny:Hey, who turned off Don Ho? / Aloha, Roses! / It's the Schitts! / Yeah, there you go.

Roland · Johnny:I just wanna wipe my hands all over that! / Oh! / You just keep getting funnier. / I'm not joking though, I really do.

Roland · Johnny:If I tell you a secret, you promise to keep it? / Uh, no, I don't think we would.

Roland · Moira · Johnny:I don't know if you guys wanna partake in this, because I'm sure your fancy dinner parties didn't have illegal substances. / Illegal substances. / Amateurs. / We had friends in the FDA, but... / When in Rome...

Roland · Johnny:Well, damn, Roses! / Let this party begin. / I'll fire up the cheese fountain.

Johnny:Wow, now you know. / Whatever happened to privacy?

Johnny · Roland:My son is pansexual. / Mm-hmm. / I've heard of that. / I know what that is, that's, uh, that cookware fetish. / No. / No, no. / No, he loves everyone. Men, women, women who become men, men who become women.

Johnny:I'm his father, and I always wanted... But, you know, just pick one gender, / Maybe everything would've been less... / Confusing.

Johnny:Johnny: 'No. No, no. No, he loves everyone. Men, women, women who become men, men who become women.' — correcting Roland's pansexuality definition.

Roland · Johnny:We can't tell our kids who to love. / Who said that? / You did. / When? / You just said it now! / When? / Now, right this second. You just said it. / And you're right. You can't tell them.

Johnny:Johnny: 'And you're right. You can't tell them.' — immediately accepting wisdom he just stated and forgot.

Johnny:Oh, Stevie, I hope you're being smart. / Oh, my God! / Because we can't afford a baby right now, and let's be honest, neither can you!

Johnny:I just want you to know that I support this. Not the fact that you're sleeping with a girl, / But, you know, I'd be just as happy if you were to bring home one of your guy friends.

Johnny:David, I just want you to know that I endorse all your sexual encounters.

David · Johnny:Are you drunk? / Grass, too much grass. / A little bit, but...

Johnny:Hey, track that cycle, missy!

Johnny · David:Johnny enters to remind the kids to keep Saturday open, then reveals it's Moira's birthday — which David has confused with Mother's Day

Alexis · Moira · Johnny:Alexis announces she's going to Chicago with Ted and when Moira asks 'Can I come?' Alexis flatly says 'No.'

David · Johnny:Johnny says 'Maybe Roland's house' as a venue option. David replies: 'Listen to the words coming out of your mouth.'

Johnny · David · Alexis:Johnny attempts 'Talk to the hand, son, because the ears are no longer working' — followed by 'Oh, my God. Okay, that's not at all how that works, so...'

Johnny:Johnny follows up with 'Cancel your trip, Alexis, because the travel agent is out of the office'

Roland · Johnny:Roland: 'Well, dinner at our place. Problem solved.' — offered as a solution to Moira's fancy birthday venue problem

Roland · Johnny:Johnny suggests to Roland the cover story is 'Jocelyn is throwing her annual charity fundraiser.' Roland replies: 'She hasn't mentioned anything to me about it.'

Johnny · Roland:Johnny has to explain: 'It's not a real fundraiser, Roland. It's just a pretend fundraiser to get Moira out of the house.'

Johnny · Roland:The full 'I know/you know/she doesn't know' logic loop between Johnny and Roland about the birthday

Johnny · Roland:'Tell me you understand the plan.' / 'Yes, Johnny, I understand the plan! Jeez! And I don't appreciate being talked to like a child!'

Roland · Johnny:Roland arrives at the café, opening with 'Hey. Hey. Sorry I'm late, Johnny. Had a little memorising to do.'

Roland · Johnny:Roland apologises to Johnny mid-pitch: 'Oh, sorry, Johnny. Let me start over here.' — Johnny: 'Why are you apologising to me?'

Johnny:Johnny's horrified 'Oh, fuck!' upon learning Moira got involved in planning the fundraiser

Johnny:Johnny: 'I asked you to get her invited to the fundraiser, not involved in the fundraiser.'

Johnny · David:Johnny: 'Stupid Roland. Roland?' / David: 'How did Roland get involved in this?' — escalating Roland blame

Johnny:'The North Korean army could not keep my mother under control when it comes to event planning.'

Johnny · Alexis:Johnny and Alexis in the car — the silent reaction beat when they've missed the Elmdale exit while David was sleeping

Johnny · David:The missed-exit reveal: David slept for '45 maybe' minutes, and the last sign said 'Exit Elmdale' — meaning they've already passed it

Johnny · David:Johnny: 'But you were sleeping!' / David: 'Well, wake me up!' / Johnny: 'No! Because you're so grumpy when you wake... Like, you're grumpy right now.'

Johnny:The $9.99 shopping channel segment — a man earnestly selling cheap jewellery playing on the motel TV while Johnny watches

Johnny:Johnny tells Moira to 'jump ship, save yourself' — as party planning advice

Johnny · Moira:Johnny slowly walking Moira through the 'fundraiser is actually your birthday party' reveal — Moira says: 'Must you rub it in?'

Johnny · Moira:Johnny finally says plainly: 'The fundraiser isn't real. It's not a real thing.' Moira: 'Oh! You're planning a birthday thing that I'm not supposed to know about.'

Johnny · Alexis:The candles argument: 'We can't afford the candles. They're $2.49.' / 'They don't just come with the cake?' / 'No, apparently not.'

Johnny:Johnny: 'Oh, my God, I raised a thief. Go wait in the car!'

Johnny:Johnny in the bakery, clearly overcome by the smell, filling awkward silence with '...so delicious in here'

Johnny · Moira:Johnny: 'I think you're overselling it just a bit.' Moira: 'Well, I don't see any stragglers, so shall we go in? I think we're fashionably late enough.' Johnny: 'There's nothing fashionable about this, but...'

Johnny:Johnny: 'There's nothing fashionable about this, but... After you, my dear.'

Johnny:Johnny: 'Well, the surprise was on me, 'cause this town cleaned itself up pretty well.'

Johnny · Moira · Roland:Told you I'd sell this town. Didn't I tell you? / Yes. Not to diminish your accomplishment, but you did say that a handful of times. / I think eight, to be exact. / It bears repeating.

Johnny:We may want to put pen to paper before we start giving away designer clothing, sweetheart.

David · Johnny:Are you stealing Roland's truck? / Yeah. It's not exactly a Tesla, but it'll get our bags to the airport.

Roland · Johnny:I mean, that's something you would do. / No, no. That's not something I would do. / And I can't deal with another you.

Johnny:So, what you're saying is he got a little short with you? / [beat] / You, uh, weren't quite seeing eye to eye?

Johnny:Well, 'bursting' seems to be the operative word. [referring to the mac and cheese]

Andy · Roland · Johnny:Oh. Oh. / Slow down there, pal. We got dinner coming and a big dessert after. / Oh. Oh. / Sex in a pan. / Then we'll have dessert.

David · Johnny:David, what're you doing here? / I'm just wondering when you think we're gonna have the check ready. / Well, this is not the time for that, David.

Johnny:Talk to the hand, son, because I've gotta watch a pig eat.

Johnny:I think it's just you, Andy.

Andy · Johnny:That's quite the little lady you have there. / You know, I think the little lady's right. What's an extra $25,000, Andy? Come on, it's chump change. It's cab fare.

Johnny · Moira · Roland:Sign on... What's happening? / What? Oh, my God! Andy! Andy! / We had him, we had him. / Okay, put the pen — / Ah! / Sign! He was going to sign. / Andy? / He wanted to sign, Johnny. / That's it, that's it. / Just on the line. / What is happening here? / What? What happened? Oh, no! Andy! What happened? / Circulation, Johnny! Circulation in his hand!

Johnny · Moira:People do come out of comas. / Oh, I'd kill for a good coma right now.

Johnny · Moira · Johnny:She'll be okay. / Where's your brother? / Who? / David.

Moira · Johnny:The frantic bag identification exchange: 'My brown bag!' / 'What brown bag?' / 'You had a room full of brown bags back home, which brown bag?!'

Johnny:'That's an ostrich bag.'

Johnny · Stevie:Johnny mid-sentence switches from 'a brown bag, as a matter of fact' to 'Well... our son, yes.' when Stevie asks what they're looking for

Johnny · Stevie:Johnny describing Stevie and David's relationship as 'intimate' — Stevie immediately shuts down and pivots to towels

Alexis · Johnny:Alexis has pushed her bed to take over more floor space; 'Just giving myself some more space. There's a lot going on in my life right now.'

Johnny:Okay, you know what, can we stop talking about that bag for five minutes, the bag, the bag, and the bag!

Johnny:Johnny: 'Oh, well, that's reassuring.' — after learning the bag is escape-from-husband currency

Moira · Johnny:Moira: 'You don't have to worry darling, I'll never need it. But you know Alexis will! Yeah, more than once, probably.'

Roland · Johnny:Roland: 'Statistics tell us you have a 48 hour window before you can assume somebody is dead.' Johnny: 'Yeah, I just said it's been three days.'

Roland · Johnny:Roland reports they found the truck — 'And David.' / 'Well, that didn't come up.'

Johnny:Johnny: 'David has spent the last three days on a farm. With the amish!' — as if this is the worst possible outcome

Johnny:Johnny: 'David has spent the last three days on a farm.' [pause] 'With the Amish!'

David · Johnny · Moira:The family all yelling 'David!' at once; David yelling back 'Stop yelling David! You come here!'

Johnny · Amish farmer:Johnny interrupting David's speech to ask for Amish lunch: 'I imagine it's customary for strangers to partake in a good old fashioned amish lunch?' / 'Not always.' / 'Have a safe trip.'

Johnny:Johnny: 'What you did was impulsive, capricious and melodramatic. But it was also wrong.'

Johnny:'Do you know how many times I've had to apologize to Roland? You can't just leave with other people's trucks, David!'

Johnny:Johnny: 'Oh David, it's a rare gift to strip vanity of its charm, yet here you are.'

David · Johnny:After the apology is accepted, David immediately takes Roland's juice: 'Okay, I'm taking your juice.' / 'David!'

Roland · Johnny:'Okay, now let's talk about gas. I'm thinking thirty cents on the mile.' / 'I think we're done here, Roland!'

Moira · Johnny:Final scene: Moira teaching Johnny her mother's recipe; he's lost in the steps. 'We've already done that.' / 'What number are we on?' / 'Oh my God!'

Johnny · Roland:The family eating the enchiladas in near-silence, then: 'Not bad. Not bad, you two! Not bad at all!'

Johnny · David · Moira:Well, this could be a very good thing! I think maybe once, or twice a week... — This won't be happening again. — Uh-uh.

Johnny · Bob:Johnny reveals he let a customer walk out rather than look at the muffler because 'I'm not a mechanic!'

Bob · Johnny:Bob's passive-aggressive jab: 'I know you're a little low on clients'

Johnny:Johnny's increasingly grandiose description of his 'strategy mode' for a business with zero clients

Johnny:Johnny ineffectually shouting for Bob while a customer waits — having to admit he 'can help'

Johnny · Bob:Johnny reveals he's been doing Bob's mechanic work all afternoon — filling tires, adding oil, and selling a car

Johnny:Johnny's detailed, self-congratulatory retelling of how he sold the Buick — 'playing the guy like a bow fiddle'

Johnny:'Certain instincts you just don't lose. It's like riding a bike.'

Johnny:Johnny mutters 'Ridiculous name!' about Dick Sinson, then tries to remember the name correctly

Johnny:Johnny muttering to himself: 'Ridiculous name! Sin-Sinson... Sinson! Dick Sin-Sinson!'

Moira · Johnny:Moira's post-audition debrief: 'There were definitely lots of surprised looks'

Johnny · Moira:Johnny: 'They must've enjoyed it if they asked you to join' — his well-meaning but wrong assumption

Moira · Johnny:Moira breaks into singing in the bedroom, and Johnny attempts to gently interrupt her twice without success

Johnny · Moira:It's just a cold, Moira. / Oh, it's always just a cold, John, until it's full blown... Typhoid!

Moira · Johnny:We love you, Alexis! Don't we?! / We love you, Alexis.

Johnny · Moira:I'm already in the room. / See, we're still alive, Moira, I think we're gonna be okay. / Of course you are, that's the spirit. I'm just going to close this door until you're done.

Johnny · Roland · Bob:Morning, boys. / Hi, Johnny. / Ahem! / Oh man! Oh, boy.

Johnny · Bob:I did start Rose Video with $2,000 and a dream, so it's all about planning. / I see it every day. Lots of quiet planning. Sure, he treats himself to a muffin or two, but uh, I get that that's all part of the planning, right, Johnny? / Could be.

Johnny:I'd kill for a bagel, but I haven't seen one bagel since I got to this town. Now, back at Rose Video, I used to get my assistant to bring me a bagel every morning. So I might think a bagel shop is something this town could use.

Bob · Johnny:Because you're uh... you... / Jewish? / I didn't know if I could say it.

Johnny · Bob:Jewish. You can say it, Bob. / I don't know why, it feels like a swear. / What's the one you can't say?

Johnny · Ivan:Can I help you? / Bob wants us to meet. / Bob wants us to meet?!

Johnny · Ivan · Bob:Well, there's no bagel — I mean, you know, Bob, I already told you... / I got some brick. / You've got bricks? What bricks? / For bagel oven.

Johnny:Bob, you know, this bagel shop idea was just an idea. You know, it's not even an idea, it's just an illustration of a theoretical idea.

Johnny · Bob:Could you stand, and excuse us? / All right, oh, okay. / I'll meet you out there in a minute. / Bob, you know, we are... so f... Oh. We are so far from even remotely having a conversation about this... You know, business.

Bob · Johnny:You said you started Rose Video with $2,000 bucks and a dream. / Bob, you-you don't have to... / Let's turn this dream... Into green!

Johnny · Bob:Bob, I don't want your check. / Oh my God.

Roland · Johnny:I assumed I would be consulted before we made any major decisions about the bagel business. / What decisions?! / Well, hiring Ivan for one thing, I don't have good feeling about that guy. I think he's ex-KGB.

Johnny · Roland:Roland, there is no bagel business! Okay, it was just a stupid idea I made up because you were right. / Well, I know that! / Right about what?

Roland · Johnny · Bob:Johnny, I think you have something you'd like to say to Bob. / You don't wanna use the name Bob? / Oh, I get it, go with something a little more old testament?

Johnny · Roland:You would've given me money? / No, of course not, but as your partner... / You're not a partner! Not my partner.

Bob · Roland · Johnny:You know, next time uh... I should probably see a business plan so I don't invest so much in another uh, hollow scheme. / Yeah, me too. / You didn't invest. / Yes, and whose fault is that?

Johnny:the good news is that mattress is covering up the cracked toilet seat.

Moira · Johnny:Goldie Hawn quote: 'You are the life you accept for yourself.' — 'Those are Goldie's words. Or something someone said to her in India. Or perhaps she read it.'

Moira · Johnny:'Would it kill someone to plant a few peonies?!' — 'I have a feeling if you want peonies, Moira, you're gonna have to plant them yourself.' — 'These are dark times John, but not that dark.'

Johnny · David:Look at us, son, a couple of working stiffs back from the salt mines. — What?! — Two men, back from the mines. — What mines? What's that mean?

Johnny · David:Why don't you grab yourself a cold one? You've earned it. Working man. — There's nothing in here. — Really? — Yeah. — Oh, I must've taken the last one.

Johnny:I mean, you got this job all on your own, nobody had to make a call, nobody got involved, nobody had to... pay somebody off.

Johnny · David:And you're looking very, very sharp. — Well... — Is that a new sweater? — Uh, it is. — Well, word to the wise, son, don't... spend all your money at once.

Johnny:Word to the wise. When you're... speaking to somebody wise, you lis... you're cognizant of what they're saying. A wise person telling you... Anyway, just-just uh, keep that in mind.

Johnny:David, if you're going out again, can you pick up some new toilet paper? I cannot use the stuff the motel provides, okay? It's like a birthday streamer. You-you-it stretches, and then, and then you pull it, and it just snaps, okay? That-that whole thing just fell off the roller!

Johnny:I know Stevie was here. That's why I came in with something funny.

Johnny · David:Do you even know what a write off is?! — Uh yeah, it's when you buy something for your business and the government pays you back for it. — Oh, and who pays for it? — Nobody, you write it off. — Who writes it off?! — I don't know, the govern... The 'write off' people!

David · Alexis · Johnny:Oh, did you pick up that random condom that was on the grass there? — Ew yeah, whose was that? — I have no idea.

David · Alexis · Johnny · Moira:Weren't those here before? — There was literally nothing here. — It was a wasteland. — Weren't there more plants here before? — No, there weren't!

Johnny · David · Alexis:Oh, there's the condom right there, David. — Ew! Eww!

Roland · Johnny:Hey Johnny, good morning to you. And Elvis! I'm so glad you could make it.

Johnny:Yeah, okay, Bob, you know, I get it, but... we're not talking heroin here.

Johnny:Right, okay Bob, I'll keep it on the down low.

Johnny:You know, your trail of discarded boyfriends, Alexis, is making it very difficult to get anything done in this world.

Johnny · Alexis:What is this? / The twelve things of milk that you asked for. / The twelve 'things' of milk?

Johnny · Alexis:What am I gonna do with $400.00 worth of raw milk?! / Sell it! / To whom?! / To your customers! / I don't have any customers! / Well then, why would you order so much milk?! / I didn't! You did!

Alexis · Johnny:Okay, I try and do something nice for somebody, you think I would at least deserve a 'thank you!' / Oh well, thank you, Alexis, thank you for ordering an insane amount of milk that I will never be able to sell! / You're welcome!

Johnny · Moira:How many times do you want me to apologize?! / Well, try one, and let's see what happens.

Johnny · Roland:We came to you because you have a truck. / And because you know if anybody can navigate the dark underworld of the raw milk game, it's me.

Roland · Alexis · Johnny:Oh my God, it's the cops! / Don't stop! / No, it's nothing, it's probably an accident! / I'm gettin' out of here! / Roland, Roland! / Close the door! / You're acting like I've never done this before!

Johnny · Alexis:When were you in Johannesburg?! / I don't know, I remember I just got my braces off, so... / You were 14, in South Africa?!

Johnny:Johnny's panicked over-denial about hunting: 'Hunting? No, no. We don't uh, hunt. I mean, there's n-no hunting going on here. No illegal... yeah, you won't find any illegal game here, that's for sure.'

Johnny · Moira · Officer:Hard work, hard work, 'cause you get up, you know, so early, but uh... but we love it. / We do. / You farm in that suit?

Johnny:When the weather's good.

Officer · Johnny · Alexis · Roland:Jacob? / Jacob. / Jacob? / What?! / She wants you to pull over. / Oh, I'm sorry, I thought you were talking to the other Jacob.

Johnny · Alexis · Roland:Well, there it goes. $400.00 worth of milk. / I feel like this is partly my fault. / Partly?!

Roland · Johnny:Oh come on, guys, let's not end on a down note here, this was a good day, let's end on an up note! / Enough Roland, just get the cans in the truck, please.

Roland · Johnny:Oh, okay. I'll grab one. / Pick it up and put it on the truck! / Yes! Oh... okay. / Grab that one, put that on the truck, and then I'll organize the rest so you can grab 'em, and put 'em on the truck.

Johnny:Johnny enthusiastically explains the 'good timing' of them stepping out simultaneously, insisting the unremarkable coincidence is remarkable, while the other person grows increasingly confused and annoyed

David · Johnny · Alexis · Moira:David reveals his employer bought him a car (rental) and Johnny and Moira immediately pivot to 'Thank God we have a car again!' — David's withering 'Um, very unclear on the "we" part of that sentence'

Moira · Johnny:Moira notices a missing button on Johnny's jacket and says 'Oh ew, you poor thing' — treating a minor wardrobe flaw as evidence of genuine destitution

Johnny · Twyla:Johnny casually asks to add turkey sausages to the tab at the diner, and Twyla reveals they've hit their tab limit

Johnny · Alexis:Johnny deflects Alexis's concern by saying he just needs to 'make things liquid,' and Alexis immediately calls it out as a financial red flag from dating Wall Street losers

Johnny · Alexis:Johnny tells Alexis not to tell David or Moira because 'they're too fragile to handle this'

Alexis · Johnny:Alexis tells Johnny 'You might wanna tell that to your face' after he insists there's nothing to worry about

Johnny · David:Johnny reflects that he 'never thought I'd be in this situation — getting a ride home from work by my son.' David's beat reaction: 'That's the situation you never thought you'd be in?'

Johnny · David:Johnny begins listing things he did for David — harpsichord lessons — 'I would drive you.' David: 'I was seven.'

Johnny · David:Johnny: 'Nothing, nothing, I'm having a little chat with my son, that's all, do I have to pay for that?' David, deadpan: 'Last I heard, you didn't have to pay...'

Johnny · David:Johnny tells David this is 'so awkward for a father to come to a son for money.' David: 'Well, believe it or not, this is actually not the most awkward parent/son request I've gotten today.'

Johnny · David:Johnny tries to hug David in the car without undoing his seatbelt, resulting in an awkward failed hug. 'Well, I was trying to give you a hug.' David: 'I-I get the gesture.' Johnny: 'I should've undone the seatbelt.'

Johnny · David:The aborted hug resolved: 'High five, son.' David: 'Uh well, okay, okay.' Johnny: 'All right, okay.'

David · Johnny:David asks how much Johnny needs; it escalates: 'A couple hundred, three... four...' — Johnny: '$560.' David: 'So my entire paycheck, then.'

David · Johnny:The ATM eats Johnny's card after repeated failed PIN attempts. David: 'Well, press eject!' Johnny: 'There's no eject on this machine!' David: 'Well, what this? There's eject.' Johnny: 'That's "cancel," that doesn't do anything!'

David · Johnny:David corrects Johnny mid-ATM-crisis: 'It's actually just "pin," you don't have to say "pin number," that's redundant.' Johnny: 'Okay, okay, wow, are you doing this right now?!'

Johnny · David:The ATM eats Johnny's card; they argue about whether 'eject' or 'cancel' or 'the green one' would retrieve it

Johnny · David · Bank Teller:Bank teller retrieves the eaten card and asks if David used the proper PIN. David: 'Yeah, that's what I asked him.' Johnny: 'Of course I used the proper pin. I know my pin number, it's my birthday.' Teller: 'Happy Birthday!' Johnny: 'No, the pin number is my birthday.'

Johnny · Bank Teller:Teller reveals the branch only has two tellers — herself and Carol — after Johnny insists he spoke to someone on the phone who said he didn't need a temporary PIN. 'It was a while ago.' 'It says the account was opened last week.'

Bank Teller · Johnny:The bank teller reveals there's only her and Carol working there — implying Johnny talked to Carol when he thought he'd gotten advice from a proper 'teller'

Johnny · Bank Teller:Johnny says his new PIN aloud — '7-2-8-3' — in front of the teller and David. Teller: 'Sir, you just said your pin out loud, so I suggest you pick another one.'

Johnny:Johnny enters holding up a single button from his jacket, triumphant: 'Well kids, you'll never guess what I just found outside. My button! Things are looking up!'

Alexis · Johnny:Alexis gives Johnny a card: 'My deepest condolences? ... "I know things have been tough lately, but I'm here for you, and hope this helps. Love, Alexis."' Johnny: 'Was there supposed to be something in here?' Alexis: 'In where?' Johnny: 'In the card?'

Johnny · Alexis:Johnny reads the card and asks: "Was there supposed to be something in here?" / "In where?" / "In the card?" / "What do you mean?" / "Oh, it's just the card."

Johnny · Moira · David:Johnny insists Alexis gave 'more than a cheap card' while David clearly gave actual money. Moira: 'Both my kids are generous.' David's reaction as he has just given his entire paycheck

Moira · Johnny · Alexis:Moira asks why Johnny is hugging the kids. Johnny's explanations: 'I found my button. / Alexis got a job.' Moira: 'Alexis got a job!' — genuine shock

Johnny · Moira:Johnny, reflecting: 'They say it's through our children that we stay young.' Moira: 'But I haven't seen much effort on their part.'

Johnny · Moira:Johnny: 'Why don't you look in my folio? Inside pocket.' Moira finds a photograph and exclaims 'Oh, you dirty dog!'

Moira · Johnny:Moira admires her 1987 photo: 'Oh, I loved those earrings. And that skin. And that hair.' Johnny: 'I'm no Avedon honey, but I would say you still look pretty spectacular.'

Moira · Johnny:Those two are not as simple minded as we thought. He is.

Johnny:I don't think that expense card is long for this world.

Moira · Johnny:I have four more taxidermy peacocks coming this afternoon. / Oh, I can pay cash for those. That's fine.

Johnny · Moira:Moira, I have a feeling not every woman here is a lesbian. / Oh, John, you love to think women are flirting with you.

Johnny:No, I was just talking to someone over there who has a husband. A male husband.

Johnny · Moira:Business Association. / Yes, I heard her.

Moira · Johnny:I had a six-and-a-half season career as an actress in television, which I put on hold to devote all my time and energy to raise two million dollars for charity. / And two children. / Oh, yes, and two children.

Johnny · Ronnie:Yeah, I think your wife's gonna do okay. / Well, she pulled it off, didn't she? / Considering she came in, well, we both did... thinking everyone was... / Black? / No. I mean that everyone was leaning... / Younger?

Moira · Johnny:John, we should go. / No, what I mean is that, uh, that I am very comfortable seeing women with other women.

Johnny · Moira:Moira and I have been very, very supportive of the LGBTQ community. / Oh, John... John. / For... / Did I leave out a letter?

Jocelyn · Johnny:Jocelyn tells Johnny she 'couldn't help but notice he seemed a little sad sack-y today.' Johnny: 'Sad sack-y?'

Jocelyn · Johnny:Jocelyn reveals 'Don't Cry Out Loud' was their wedding song — and that it was the first song they 'ever made...' before Johnny cuts her off.

Johnny · Jocelyn:He was playing 'Don't Cry Out Loud,' loud at two in the morning. — I'm so sorry. (Laughs) It's our wedding song. — It was actually the first song that we ever made... — Okay, I really don't need the details on that.

Johnny · Jocelyn:Jocelyn, during marriage counseling-adjacent conversation, says Johnny and Moira are 'a little bit rocky right now.' Johnny: 'No, no, things are not rocky. Things are not rocky, and if they are, it's because your husband is driving us insane!'

Johnny:Johnny, after denying issues: 'Well, by issues, if you mean peccadilloes, if you mean little irritants... Maybe.'

Jocelyn · Johnny:The parallel conversation: Johnny describing his argument with Moira using the same words Jocelyn uses about Roland — they're unknowingly talking about each other.

Johnny:Johnny pivots: 'But on the other hand, maybe it's through your forgiveness that you teach him a lesson... the sooner you forgive him, the better it's gonna be for... for you.'

Johnny · David:Johnny asks the kids to wish Moira a happy anniversary; David asks 'What would you like us to say?'

Johnny · Alexis:Johnny explains 'it's called being courteous, honey' and brings up the Bloomfield kids throwing anniversary parties.

Johnny:'You sound like the incestuous Bloomfields.'

Roland · Jocelyn · Johnny · Moira:Roland and Jocelyn crash the café with a dinner gift announcement, only to reveal 'we have a coupon.'

Moira · Johnny:Moira assumes John has something 'more grand' planned beyond the sweet anniversary gesture.

Johnny · Moira:Johnny reveals the 'surprise' restaurant — the exact one Roland and Jocelyn just told them about.

Johnny:At the restaurant, Johnny confirms the reservation he 'of course made weeks ago' — visibly scrambling.

Moira · Johnny · Bev · Don:The Roses run into their old friends Bev and Don at the restaurant — huge, theatrical recognition scene.

Bev · Don · Moira · Johnny:Bev and Don telling the stuffed bison story — 'She's moved it to the front hall!'

Roland · Jocelyn · Johnny · Moira:Roland and Jocelyn appear at the same restaurant — 'we just ran into each other.'

Johnny:Johnny's barely suppressed resignation: 'Let's all sit at one table.'

Johnny · Jocelyn:Johnny's reaction to the coupon: 'Don't know what that means.' — Jocelyn: 'He's so ironic, this one.'

Moira · Johnny:Moira describing their home: 'A rustic, ranch style... bungalow... that... It's very nice.' — John adds: 'Very nice, it's got plenty of parking, and a TV in every room.'

Bev · Moira · Johnny:Bev: 'That must be a nightmare to clean!' — Moira: 'Um, Stevie does an adequate job.' — Johnny: 'Stevie's the only staff.'

Johnny · Roland · Don:Johnny's attempted protest — 'Let's not go for the low-hanging fruit here, Don.' — Roland immediately endorses Don: 'Please continue, Don. You see, Roland gets it!'

Johnny:Johnny's speech: 'I'm sitting here in a half decent restaurant with my wife and our friends, and all you two have done is complain about the food and pretend you didn't leave us high and dry after we lost everything.'

Johnny:Johnny's speech praising Roland and Jocelyn: 'Roland and Jocelyn here could not have been more generous with what little they have. They found us a place to live, they've offered us their truck whenever we've needed it, they've invited us to their parties, they even offered to take us out to dinner tonight.'

Johnny:'And that town you passed through — it's not called Schittsville. It's called Schitt's Creek. And it's where we live.'

Johnny · Moira · David · Alexis:'Smells like grass in here.' — 'Oh my God!' 'Oh my God!'

Johnny · Moira:Johnny's 'Okay, this is not okay! What are you guys doing here?!' — Moira: 'Shhhh! For once in your life, Shhhh!'

Johnny · Moira · David:Johnny announces 'Tonight we are dancing as a family.' — David: 'What is happening?'

Moira · Johnny:Moira's speech: 'Do you know your father and I hold great affection for the two of you? It may not always be obvious, but—' — Johnny: 'Just say it, Moira!'

Johnny · Jake:Johnny Rose introduces himself cheerfully to Jake mid-crisis: 'Hello, uh, Johnny Rose. You are?'

Johnny · Jake:Johnny: 'I see uh, David's made you feel right at home.'

Johnny:David, what should we do? Should we be walking ahead, how far ahead should we be walking?

Moira · Johnny:Oh God, David, this is so awkward! / What? What's happening?

Johnny:I think I'll have the eggs, and brown toast, over easy. The eggs, not the toast.

Twyla · Johnny:Yesterday it was this stabbing pain, but today it's more like a really intense throbbing. / Well, it's not urgent, not urgent. I don't need coffee with breakfast, so.

Johnny:You know, it's funny, I said eggs, but uh... I'm gonna be ready for lunch soon.

Johnny:No, no, the fish is fine, it's just uh, you know, it was a bit fishy.

Johnny · Customer:No, I said it was like an evolution of a combo. / But there's no deal?! / Well, there is a deal on the combo, which is a cup of soup, and a half a sandwich.

Customer · Johnny · Twyla:So what's this gonna cost me? / Well, I-I think we can uh, charge you for two uh, half combos. / There is no half combo! It's just a cup of soup, and a half a sandwich!

Alexis · Johnny:And I will get the dressing on the side, please. / You'll get your dressing on the salad, like everyone else.

Johnny · David:Or will you be taking turns? / Um, first of all, what are you doing here! And second, we're gonna need a minute. So...

Johnny · Twyla:Although the things some of these customers can put you through! / Oh, I know. Joking when you're way too busy, trying to tell you how they want their food cooked.

Johnny · Twyla:Yeah, you know, I think maybe um... you should keep my share of the tips. / That's not necessary, Mr. Rose. / No, just think of it as a little reparation pay. / Well, that doesn't even begin to cover it!

Johnny:Stevie... has a car.

Moira · Johnny:Is that a spreadsheet? — Yes, yes, it is.

David · Johnny · David:Okay, well, I'm gonna need the car on Friday nights. — Absolutely not. — Meaning that I would get it Saturday.

Moira · Johnny:This is not your best pitch, darling. — I haven't even started the pitch, Moira!

Johnny · Moira · Johnny:Okay, you know what?! I'm buying a car! End of story. — Where are you going? — Here.

Johnny:It's called style, people.

Johnny:I've got a ball cap I can put on.

Johnny:I wouldn't be surprised if they just gave you the car.

Johnny · Roland:Well, thank God it's not Friday. — Well, we can pretend.

Roland · Johnny:But you don't have any money. — Oh, I know I don't have any money, but I need to look like I don't have money.

Johnny:I think I misspoke.

Johnny:Oh, and you feel confident you've hit the target with this?!

Moira · Johnny · Moira:Oh, John, look. It's our car! — Well, Moira, let's not pick the first car we see. — No, before David was born! We bought a car just like this, don't you remember?

Johnny:Well, I don't remember the 'Everything Be Irie' bumper sticker.

Johnny · Moira:Moira... — What?!

Car Salesman · Moira · Johnny · Moira · Johnny:And what about the twin? — Well, if you're identical, I thought you'd both be valuable. — Yes, wouldn't you? — She wasn't born yet. — Yep, she wasn't born. — 'Til three minutes later, and the Bratva work very quickly.

Moira · Johnny:I think he's buying it! — You think?

Johnny:Okay, look folks, I'm really sorry, my wife was simply... trying to fictionalize our very real financial struggle.

Johnny · Moira · Johnny:Um Moira, they're just trying to help us out by giving us a better price. — Well, nonsense, dear, we can certainly pay full freight. — Yes, okay. Dear, look. We really would appreciate any financial assistance.

Johnny:Here we go, dear, here's the chair.

David · Johnny:You look like a contestant on 'The Price Is Right.' — Well, it worked, because the price was right.

Johnny · Moira:And it would've been a lot less, if your mother hadn't talked them back up! — You can't put a price on dignity.

Johnny · David · Johnny:Look, the important thing is, we now have a car! — Is this a car for dead people? — No, it's not a hearse!

Johnny · David:Johnny asks David if he has his wallet, then pivots immediately to asking if he has his license — already telegraphing something is wrong before David even answers.

David · Johnny:Johnny: 'When did your license expire?!' / David: 'I don't know! Like, last month.'

David · Johnny:David: 'Well, I drove the car yesterday!' / Johnny: 'Well, that's illegal, David!'

Alexis · Johnny:Alexis: 'Okay, I will drive.' / Johnny: 'You got your wallet?' / Alexis: 'It's fine.'

Moira · Johnny · Stevie:Moira enters the motel office and immediately launches into complaints about the leaky faucet being audible from 'our bathroom' — while it's technically in David and Alexis's bathroom.

Stevie · Moira · Johnny:Stevie suddenly bursts into tears in the middle of what seemed like a normal motel management conversation, as Moira is mid-complaint about the faucet.

Johnny:Johnny: 'Oh, boy troubles, no doubt. We don't want to intrude, dear.'

Moira · Johnny:Moira: 'And if she needs any help at all, please feel free to come by our room.' / Johnny: 'Well, I'll be at work.' / Moira: 'But John will be there, implementing and strategizing.'

Johnny · Stevie:Johnny reveals his fix for the dripping faucet: 'I put a sandwich bag over the faucet and secured it with an elastic.'

Stevie · Johnny:Stevie: 'Oh okay, won't the drips... fill up the sandwich bag?' / Johnny: 'Well, like I said, it's temporary, uh, but it might buy you a little time.' / Stevie: 'A little.'

Johnny · Stevie:Stevie suggests charging full price to long-term guests. Johnny: 'And sometimes it's the second or third idea that's really the keeper.'

Moira · Johnny:Moira: 'Stop! I want to remember this moment.' / Johnny: 'What moment?'

Johnny · Moira:Johnny: 'You didn't get the money, did you?' / Moira: 'Go, John! Before the passion dies again!'

Johnny · David · Alexis · Moira:Johnny: 'Have you been in there the whole time?!' — Johnny has apparently been in the bathroom fixing the faucet while the family gathered in the room.

Johnny:Johnny: 'Okay kids, give it a spin.' — proudly presenting his faucet repair to the family.

Johnny · Moira · David · Alexis:The faucet chaos escalates: Moira reports steam, nobody can turn it off, and someone burns their hand — culminating in Johnny: 'See? No drip.'

Johnny:Johnny: 'I'm gonna go.' — immediately leaving the bathroom after his 'See? No drip.' triumph as Moira shouts 'Ow!'

Johnny · Trish:Johnny nervously fumbles with hotel check-in computer while trying to appear competent

Trish · Johnny:'Are you new at this?' / 'Ish.' (Laughs nervously)

Trish · Johnny:'I would love to pay cash.' / 'Whew! Even better.'

Johnny:Johnny brags about booking three rooms — 'afternoons only, Trish' — as if this is a triumph

Johnny:Johnny's defense of the rooms-by-hour situation: 'a group of business professionals decompressing for a few hours, during a long day at a regional accountants' conference'

Stevie · Johnny:'You don't hear it, when you say it like that?' / 'I hear it a bit.'

Johnny · Stevie:Johnny and Stevie knock on the door and awkwardly check in on the rooms — implicitly confronting whoever is inside

Johnny:Johnny's 'Yeah... yeah, well... point taken. Wow.' — completely deflated by Trish's argument

Roland · Johnny:Kitty doesn't know what Ken looks like — 'she doesn't know what he looks like?'

Roland · Johnny:'Well, I'm glad I helped you fix your uh, broken moral compass.' / 'Well, there's nothing wrong with my moral compass, but...' / 'All right, well, why don't we tell Kitty that?'

Johnny · Stevie:Johnny excitedly tells Stevie someone 'might' book a room, and keeps using the word 'might' to her increasing exasperation

Johnny · Stevie:Johnny: 'Even better, someone might book a room.' / 'A lot of people might book a room if this goes through.'

Johnny · Stevie:Johnny pitches the golf package deal: 'on a $250 dollar package, a cool $40 goes into our pockets.' Stevie: 'That sounds like a better deal for them.'

Johnny · Stevie:Johnny: 'It's all about building bridges, Stevie. But here's the thing, even if this deal falls through, we still get an afternoon on a golf course!' Stevie: '"We?"'

Johnny · Stevie:Johnny: 'I might even let you drive the cart.' Stevie: 'Can you drink on the cart?' Johnny: 'Yeah.' Stevie: 'Well, I will get the "back in 15 minutes" sign.'

Johnny · Stevie:Johnny: 'Well, it's gonna take longer than 15 minutes.' / Stevie: 'You have to give people hope.'

Roland · Johnny · Stevie:Roland arrives with Jocelyn's golf visor and glove, offering to give Johnny golf tips 'right here on Johnny'

Roland · Johnny:Roland: 'pop the old tush... Just go, Bam!' — giving Johnny unsolicited and overly physical golf instruction

Johnny · Roland:Johnny: 'Well, I've been golfing for 30 years, Roland.' Roland: 'Wow, I like that.' — before immediately dismissing his technique

Johnny · Roland:Johnny: 'Are you using the Vargon grip?' Roland: 'I'm using La Va Grande.' — two made-up golf grips debated with total confidence

Stevie · Johnny · Roland:Stevie secretly films Roland and Johnny's golf lesson on her phone; Johnny demands she delete it; Roland asks for a copy

Johnny · Stevie:Johnny and Stevie's fake golf course: 'It was down the road. Uh, Maple... / Grove? / Grove, Maple Grove.'

Johnny:Johnny lists motel amenities including 'working toilets, which probably sounds like something I don't need to mention but you know, just covering all the bases'

Johnny:Johnny: 'Well, as an avid golfer myself...' — when he hasn't played in three years and came in golf attire as a disguise

Johnny:David discovering Stevie and Johnny got onto the golf course: 'Let's get our golf sticks.'

Moira · Johnny · Alexis:The Rose parents discover Alexis didn't actually graduate: 'We were at the graduation!' / 'Yeah, but I wasn't.'

Johnny:Johnny: 'We might not have stayed through the "R's," I think we left halfway through the "L's."'

Moira · Johnny:Moira: 'No, that was-that was me.' [confusing the spray tan run-in with herself rather than Alexis]

Alexis · Johnny · Moira:The graduation photo turns out to be Jess Chang, not Alexis

Alexis · Johnny:Alexis: 'Okay, why didn't anyone come to my graduation?' Johnny: 'Well, you didn't graduate in Switzerland.' Alexis: 'And whose fault is that?!'

Johnny:Johnny: 'How long have you been carrying that around in your wallet?!'

Johnny · David · Moira:She doesn't mean you, Alexis. / Uh, it wasn't that bad. / That's the heartbreaking part, He was so blissfully unaware.

David · Alexis · Johnny · Moira:Okay, I think you're brave. / Well, that's very nice of you to say, David. / Okay, he's being sarcastic! / What?! / Oh. / It's a defense mechanism. From all the bullying.

Ivan · Johnny:Ivan introduces himself as 'Ivan! Bob's friend?' and Johnny says 'Bagels, I know, yes.'

Ivan · Johnny:Yeah. I not make breakfast. / No, no, no, a continental breakfast, just pastries and coffee. / No coffee.

Stevie · Johnny:Oh wow, so how many stars would that give you? / One.

Johnny:Well, I wouldn't lead with that but uh...

Johnny:I think uh a little quality control on this wouldn't hurt, huh?

Johnny:There are cinnamon buns in the lobby!

Johnny · Alexis · Moira:The cinnamon buns are discovered to have been eaten by the family — they're supposed to be for guests

David · Johnny:What's continental about that? / It's for business travelers, travelling the continent, eating breakfast, and... continental travelling.

Johnny:Well, it's European, Moira. So-okay, come on, seriously!

Johnny · David:You know this bun added a star to our rating? / How many did we have before? / Not the point!

Johnny:Says who?! The guy who invented custom beer cozies?

David · Johnny:Is that what it says? / Yes David, that's what it says, you're not the only one with an online presence.

Johnny:If they're at the motel using the coasters, they don't need to know where the motel is.

Johnny:A hashtag? Is that two words?

Alexis · Moira · Johnny:'poorly written, and under-researched.' / Well, that's just not true! / Well, you have to go back and tell Jocelyn that information was founded on practical experience in the field! / It should've been founded on my research.

Johnny:I didn't do anything! I didn't do anything with your paper. Your laptop was open, I did... a little editing, nothing major.

Johnny:Just out of curiosity, did she... happen to say anything about that quote from Lee Iacocca?

Johnny:Moira, I just got an alert, that someone has posted a terrible review of this motel.

Moira · Johnny:Well dear, if I've learned anything from the theater, it's whatever they say, you cannot take it personally. / Yeah, I'm pretty sure this is not about me.

Johnny:'I was served by an intimidating woman at the front desk, with an unrecognizable accent, and scary-looking attire.'

Johnny:Because I wasn't around to help you cheat back then, and I regret it! The not being around, I mean.

Johnny · Alexis:Although... I don't really consider it cheating. / Mmm. okay, well, it is. / It is, but is it... really plagiarism to take something your dad wrote, and put it in your paper, and claim it as your own?

Johnny:And I may have underestimated you before, but that is certainly... not the case now.

Johnny · Alexis:And you know why, honey? Because you're better... 'than' that. / Thank you. / N-No, you're better... 'than' that. / Okay, I'm better then that. / Not better then that, better... than that. / Okay, I don't know what you're talking about right now!

Johnny · Alexis:All right, well if you don't want my help, 'than' I guess I'll leave. / Okay, thank you! / Okay, I'll see you later... 'than.'

Johnny:Oh, so she did write it herself.

Johnny:No, no, this one was definitely better. Because no one helped her write it.

Roland · Johnny:Now act like you're talking to me. / I am talking to you. / No. Not like that. It's got to be more conversational. You know, like, um... 'Yes the weather is cold.' / Okay, I'm not following.

Johnny · Bob:I wouldn't mind playing, Bob. / Really? / Well... / That's great!

Roland · Johnny:Can I ask you something? Um, do you have even the slightest concept of what just happened here?

Bob · Roland · Johnny:Full house. Read 'em and weep. / And I think I come in second because I got a pair of Queens. / There's no second place, Roland.

Johnny:Haven't you noticed how Gwen circles the table with appetizers, constantly eying Bob. Then he lays down a big fat bet and wins.

Roland · Johnny:You know, come to think of it, those matching visors they're a little suspicious. / I don't want to believe this, But ah, I do miss my wristwatch.

Johnny:I don't mean bump her off, Roland.

Johnny · Roland · Bob:Kosher? / And halal. / Gwen, you called it!

Gwen · Bob · Roland · Johnny:Oh Gosh, I'm sorry I didn't think of this. But you know, maybe... maybe Roland could go? / He's running pretty low on chips. / Sure. I can drive. / I don't think you want to drive, Roland. / I don't mind. I love driving.

Bob · Johnny · Roland:Well, I guess it wasn't Gwen, was it, Johnny? / [long pause] / Sorry? / [another pause] / Nothing, nothing, Bob.

Roland · Johnny:Well, Uh... / Johnny, why don't you tell Bob your theory. / [pause]

Roland · Johnny:The game is called crazy eights. And the diamond shaped things are wild. / Roland, shush.

Johnny · Roland:How's that watch working out for you? / I love it. / Thanks.

Alexis · Johnny:You keep scratching. [Beat] No, I'm just allergic to the down pillow.

Johnny:Wait a minute, we were in all the rooms changing the sheets!

Johnny:Hello! Uh, just here for the complimentary... sheet change.

Johnny:Oh, good, good, good! [Guest: Why is that good?] Well, it just means you're having a busy day, you know, up and at 'em.

Johnny:And your hair's in a ponytail, that's fantastic. By that I mean it's very hot outside, and gives the neck a chance to breathe.

Johnny:So that's a yes to changing the sheets? [Couple: No, no, we're good. Thanks.] After you. Oh, so leaving everything as is, then.

Johnny · Moira:About a month ago I heard from the Lucy Albion Studio Theatre in Pasadena. [Moira: I don't know what that is.] It used to be called the Moira Rose... [Moira: No, no! Don't say it!]

Johnny:A volunteer usher who died last year.

Moira · Johnny:And when were you planning on telling me this, John?! [Johnny: Well Moira, it's not like you have overreacted to bad news in the past. I just thought it might sit better with you once you'd heard about the garden.]

Moira · Johnny:No, I just told you about the garden. [Johnny: Uh-huh.] John, did you ask Roland and Bob to name a garden after me?

Johnny · Moira:Well, Alexis has lice. [Moira: What?! Ewwww! I assume you shaved her head! And we have to put a wig on her. But not one of my wigs! These have to be boxed now!]

Johnny:And I was worried about you overreacting.

Johnny:Oh, you said not to change the sheets! I could've sworn I heard you say change the sheets.

Johnny · Guest:My daughter and I were setting up the room earlier, and it turns out she has lice. I was changing the sheets because you know, I didn't wanna take a chance. [Guest: Been there.] Yeah, our six year old daughter had lice last year. How old's yours? [Johnny: 28.]

Alexis · Johnny · David:I don't think that there are enough apostrophes. [Beat] I don't even see a rose in the garden. [Beat] Because there aren't any roses. [Beat] Or are we the Roses?

Johnny:Okay, I'm getting roses for the garden. I'm-I'm getting roses.

Johnny · Moira · David:Okay, enough, enough. This is still a very big honor for your mother. Is it not? / Mhm... / Yes? / Mhm.

Johnny:Johnny says 'this is so unnecessary' as the family prepares to give him a gift

Johnny · Roland:Johnny says 'I was talking to my wife' when Roland answers Moira's question about where they found the portrait

Alexis · Moira · Johnny:Alexis reveals she wasn't in the portrait because she was 'in rehab' — then Moira corrects: 'visiting Stavros,' then Johnny reveals her face was painted onto the assistant's body

Roland · David · Johnny:Roland repeatedly raises his price offer to help carry the portrait inside, going from $20 to $30 to $40 as David keeps getting called and not hearing

Johnny:Johnny struggling to compliment the portrait, pausing for an uncomfortably long beat before landing on 'enormous strength of this family'

Johnny:Johnny: 'I tried. The sheets aren't big enough.' — trying to cover the portrait

David · Moira · Johnny:David's business-speak slip: 'It's always better to go under... Go under? David, if the business is foundering—'

Johnny · David:Johnny's discount math: 'What if your mother and I go in and buy something together? Does that mean we get a 50 percent discount?'

Johnny · Moira:Johnny and Moira call out 'We love you! Keep reaching, son!' as David leaves in exasperation

Stevie · Johnny:Stevie: 'You don't look very happy in this.' Johnny: 'It wasn't the style to look happy. The motivation was to look successful.'

Stevie · Johnny:Stevie: 'Why does it seem like Mrs. Rose's eyes are following me?' Johnny: 'Oh, she paid extra for that.'

Moira · Johnny:Johnny and Moira visit the store and are genuinely moved: Moira says 'I would shop here, John. Even without a nagging sense of obligation.'

Johnny:Johnny: 'The Rose name on another plucky young business.'

Moira · Johnny:Moira and Johnny's ultra-vague cedar dragon tea discussion: 'I don't know. I mean, it's nice but... I think you should probably get it or not, whatever'

Ted · Alexis · Moira · Johnny:Ted mentions 'the big news' and Alexis panics, starts to explain 'the hug' — Ted clarifies he meant exam results

Johnny:Johnny suggests cutting their faces out of the portrait to make 'four smaller, individual portraits'

Johnny · Moira:Johnny: 'Were we really that happy back then?' Moira: 'Yes.' Johnny: 'We were.' Moira: 'Oh, deliriously happy.' Johnny: 'I miss that beach house.'

Johnny · Moira:The portrait finds its way to the motel front desk; Johnny: 'I wonder what else the Van Housens took from us.'

Alexis · Johnny · David:Alexis defends the portrait: 'Speak for yourself, I look super cute.' Johnny: 'Okay, that's not actually your body though.' Alexis: 'Okay, but it's my face, David.'

David · Johnny:David: 'There's something really weird happening with Mom's eyes. It's like they're following me.' Johnny/others: 'Oh, they are.' David: 'Oh God.'

David · Moira · Johnny:The family's awkward, unconvincing attempt to claim they 'didn't forget' David's birthday — Moira says they've been 'talking about it for weeks,' David corrects it to 'you've been talking about it for weeks'

Stevie · Johnny:'Those are wet now.' / 'That's a lot of spritzing.'

Stevie · Johnny:Stevie's instinctive 'Have you tried restarting it?' in response to Johnny calling her name excitedly

Johnny:Johnny: 'Well, I'm stuck on all caps, but no.'

Johnny · Stevie:Johnny tries to get Stevie to do a celebratory high-five / hands in the air moment; Stevie: 'I don't think we're those kind of people.'

Johnny:Johnny on the phone turning away a family with kids and a grandmother: 'No room at the inn!' / 'I can imagine with that many kids and a grandmother, that it might be tough getting last-minute accommodations but...'

Roland · Johnny:Roland reveals he made a reservation under 'Damien Steele' to secretly check into the motel for a grad night role-playing tradition with Jocelyn

Roland · Johnny:Roland: 'See, Jocelyn and I have a yearly tradition. Every grad night we like to pretend to be other people... if you know what I mean.' / Johnny: 'Yeah, you just told me what you mean.'

Roland · Johnny:Roland explains the tradition: 'The mayor of the town can't use his real name to check into a love motel.' Johnny: 'Yeah, it's not a love motel, Roland.'

Roland · Johnny:Roland: 'Oh, we've been doing this ever since our own grad night. If you catch my drift.' / Johnny: 'Yeah, I caught your drift when you told me what you mean.'

Johnny · Moira · David · Alexis:The family attempts 'For He's a Jolly Good Fellow' — with escalating pronoun chaos: 'For she's a jolly good fellow' / 'For they're two jolly good fellows' / 'For graduating today AND being born today'

Johnny · Moira:The birthday cake reads 'Happy day Alex and Davis'

Johnny · Moira:Johnny announces 'Kids, it's garbage day,' and Moira immediately replies 'Oh good, ours is full.'

Johnny · Moira:Johnny holds up a pregnancy test and Moira says 'Why are you waving a thermometer in my face?' Johnny: 'It's a pregnancy test.' Moira: 'Ewww! What?!'

Johnny · Moira:Johnny and Moira's brief exchange: 'Where'd Alexis go?' / 'She went for a run, apparently there are some really big changes happening in her life right now.' / 'Yeah, I should say so.'

Johnny · Moira:Johnny: 'Well, it's a smiley face, so I'm assuming it's a positive result.' Moira: 'Well, that's presumptuous.'

Moira · Johnny:Moira: 'Are we 100% sure it's hers?' Johnny: 'Well, this test is 100% sure it's someone's!'

Johnny:Johnny: 'Oh, are you serious? I was ready to stop after one!'

Johnny · David:Johnny: 'You spend a lot of time with Alexis, you could've done a better job looking out for her!' David: 'Okay, I'm sorry I'm not a condom.'

Johnny · Moira:Johnny confessional: 'Okay, I just think I'm in a state of shock right now, you know, the news was very numbing, and I'm feeling very alone.' [Cut to Moira sitting beside him, visibly present.]

Johnny · Moira:Johnny: 'Imagine how Alexis must feel.' Moira: 'Yeah, I haven't spoken to her.'

Johnny · Alexis:Johnny sits with Alexis for what he thinks is a pregnancy conversation. Alexis: 'Fine, a little nervous.' Johnny: 'Well, that's understandable, comes with the territory.'

Johnny · Alexis:Johnny: 'Now... Ted, is he being supportive?' Alexis: 'I haven't even told Ted.' Johnny: 'Oh.'

Alexis · Johnny:Alexis: 'I just wanna do one thing on my own!' Johnny: 'And you're sure this is the right one thing to pick?'

Alexis · Johnny:Alexis: 'I know that! And not to mention, a lot of money. Why do you think I've been saving up my money from the vet's office?' Johnny: 'How long have you known about this?'

Johnny:Johnny's pregnancy-crisis budget planning: 'If David sells the store, and you get some part time work, and we get a good price for the car, I think we can make it through the first two years easy, and then we just have to figure out preschool.'

Moira · Johnny:Moira: 'But you're not supposed to know. She hasn't told Roland yet.' Johnny: 'Jocelyn!' Moira: 'Huh?' [Johnny points at the window/outside where Roland might be.] Moira: 'She was appropriately gobsmacked herself.'

Moira · Johnny:Moira: 'I am entirely relieved. Yeah, that it's not Alexis!' Johnny: 'But save that spreadsheet, John, and you might want to add a line item for prophylactics.'

Johnny:Johnny: 'I've already had a serious talk with Alexis, though now I'm wondering what exactly... we were talking about.'

Roland · Johnny:Roland takes Jocelyn's Dorito casserole clue that she's pregnant. Roland: 'Well honey, you don't need a special reason for taco night.' / 'Besides wanting to keep me as your husband? Am I right, Johnny?'

Johnny · Moira · Roland:Johnny desperately trying NOT to be pulled into the conversation: 'No, no, no. No, in fact I am gonna ask again. And again. And again.' Roland: 'Get over here and sit yourself down!'

Johnny · Roland:Johnny: 'Rollie, how are you not getting this?' Then Johnny, unable to contain himself: 'Oh, I need to be a part of this.'

Roland · Twyla · Johnny:Jocelyn: 'I'm pregnant!' [Roland: stunned silence. Waitress Twyla appears.] Roland: 'We're having a baby. Hey, I'm gonna have the bottomless French Onion soup, and maybe you might wanna drop a little calamari on the table.' Johnny: 'John!' Roland: 'Yes! Oh, oh, pregnant?'

Alexis · Johnny · David:Alexis tells Johnny: 'I think I can find a way to make it work.' David assumes she means the pregnancy. Johnny: 'No, that's not what was happening! I-I thought we were talking about something else.' Alexis: 'What else?'

Johnny:Johnny starts defending Rose Video — 'You know, Rose Video was the second largest video chain in-' — cut off by Stevie's arrival

Johnny:Johnny's excuse for not carrying bags: 'if I lift a roll of toilet paper, you know, it... flares up.'

Roland · Johnny:Roland arrives to pitch himself as the 'devilishly handsome' mystery employee — 'I'm the guy!'

Johnny:Johnny: 'I know you're the guy, I got that as soon as I said where's the guy?'

Roland · Johnny:Roland's 'Going once, going twice' auction for Johnny's approval — escalating to 'going 4 times, going 5 times' until Johnny gives in

Roland · Johnny:Roland reviews the motel task list and says nothing is in his 'wheelhouse' — including window repair, bathrooms, and changing sheets

Johnny · Roland:Johnny: 'Uh, we change sheets!' — to which Roland tries to put a 'J' beside that task

Johnny · Roland · Stevie:Johnny: 'what would actually help is if you could clean a toilet or two, but obviously, you're too good for that.' Roland: 'No, I can clean a toilet.' / 'I think we made a mistake, Stevie.' / 'No! I wanna clean a toilet.' / 'We'll hire somebody else.' / 'I need to clean a toilet!'

Johnny · Roland:You need to clean a toilet? — Yeah, I need to Johnny, I... I mean, with the new baby coming, things are a little tight.

Roland · Johnny:Roland: 'She's working nights down at the gas station.' / 'She's working nights?' / 'No, she's not, but she will have to if things get really bad.'

Johnny:That's what their rooms are for.

Roland · Johnny:Beer fridge reveal — Roland has installed a full beer fridge in Johnny's office.

Johnny · Roland:Would that staff member be you? / Yes, it would. I'm gonna have 'em after lunch.

Roland · Johnny:Johnny, I thought you were joking. / Why would you think I was joking? / I dunno, maybe it's your dry wit, you know, that never quite hits the target.

Roland · Johnny:Roland playing video games in the motel office at 9 PM while Jocelyn is pregnant at home

Alexis · Johnny · Stevie:This place needs a tonne of work, like top to tail. / I think what you mean to say is proposed improvements? / No, I mean like full-blown things that need fixing.

Johnny:They're just a placebo effect for people who feel the need to complain.

Johnny · Alexis:Those cards are written by embittered people with way too much time on their hands. / A lot of these are from Mom.

Stevie · Alexis · Johnny:We have a website. / No. I looked it up, and it's just like a cartoon of a construction worker holding a sign that says 'we'll be right back'. / It's under construction.

Alexis · Johnny · Stevie:Step 1 of the plan was this presentation, and we nailed it. So, as your new VP of Marketing and Communications, I'd say we're off to a great start. / Yeah. / I'll pass.

Johnny · Alexis · Ray:Oh, should I be holding a key? / No, Mr. Rose, unless you wanna look really, really corny. / Yeah, like really, really cheesy, and off-brand.

Alexis · Johnny:If the camera was your guest, how would you greet her? / I don't know. / Um, welcome to the Schitt's Creek Motel. I'm Johnny Rose. / Um, yes, but no, don't use your mouth. / What the fuck does that mean?

Alexis · Johnny:Okay, Johnny, what are we doing with our hands? / Alexis, I don't love you calling me Johnny.

Alexis · Johnny:Mr. Rose, would you mind taking one step to your left? / [pause] Okay now, three more steps to your left.

Johnny · Ray · Alexis:Solo? / Don't take it personally, Mr. Rose, it's probably because you didn't know what to do with your hands. Or maybe it's because your face looked like it tasted something sour. Or maybe... / Thank you, Ray, I get it.

Johnny · Moira:Yeah, except it's Budd, with two d's, but... / Okay, well that would just look insane.

Stevie · Johnny · Alexis:Can we have breakfast now? / Yeah, let's celebrate. Come on! / Oh, um, not to brag, but this re-brand got me 77% on my final marketing exam.

David · Johnny:Okay, have you ever gotten an A? / Enough, David.

Moira · Johnny:But then Alexis informed us that this is the longest relationship you've ever had! Four whole months, David.

Johnny:Four whole months, David. How 'bout that?

David · Moira · Johnny:I had a very intimate connection with Tony, for several years. / She was your pen pal, David. / She was in a penitentiary, dear.

Moira · Johnny · David:Is he pulling back? / Has he asked you about an open relationship? / Not yet.

Johnny:Carnies are people too.

Moira · Johnny:Perhaps it's this nay-saying reticence that caused your past relationships to... / Fall apart. / ...oxidize.

Johnny · Roland:You know, Roland, when you said you found a grill, this isn't exactly what I had in mind. / What'd you expect Johnny, Benihana?

Johnny · David:...in case there's a rousing fireside sing-along? / No, I draw the line at sing-along.

Roland · Johnny:Oh, Jocelyn and I have another one of those birthing rehearsals we gotta go to. / I... just bought $100 worth of sliders.

Roland · Johnny:Right, cut to. / Well, we're not cutting to. / Cut to, I've ruined my sliders! / Cut to, how does this thing work?

Roland · Johnny · Patrick:You guys want me to jump in? / No, I think we've got it covered. / Oh, you do, oh great, 'cause I'm gonna get another beer.

Johnny · Patrick:I'd say that one looks about perfect. / I was gonna say the same thing. / Specifically which one were you talking about? / Just this one, here. / Oh yeah, that's the one.

Johnny · David · Patrick:There ya go, we make a good team, Pat. / No, John, no, we're not doing Pat. / No we're not.

Patrick · Johnny:My first job in high school was actually at a Rose Video. / Get outta town! What branch? / 785. / 785. Impressive late fees.

Patrick · Johnny · Moira:I'm gonna talk to you in a minute, we've got a lot to talk about. / Who is she? / I glanced down at my plate for two seconds.

Johnny · Alexis:Well, you might have to go one night without your phone, Alexis. / Ugh!

Johnny · Alexis:Well, you might have to go one night without your phone, Alexis. / Ugh!

Johnny · Moira:And I just gave Stevie the day off. / How many days off is Stevie allowed to request?

Moira · Johnny:Ah! John, what are you doing here? / Is it David? / Oh no, you can speak freely in front of the gals.

Johnny:No, no, no! No, no, I... haven't used the old pipes in so long, ♪ impo-o-o-ose ♪

Johnny · Moira:Oh, ha ha. / I've got perfect pitch, so do not mess this up for me.

Johnny · Moira:Boy, we never did this back in the Rose Video days, did we? / No, but I'm sure we had our reasons.

Ronnie · Johnny:Lemonades for Moira and me... / And two cosmos for the baritone section. / ♪ Yes, please ♪

Johnny · Moira:Oh, Moira. / My time with the Jazzagals.

Johnny · Alexis:Well, honey, I don't think you should let one embarrassing encounter color your experience, on Bumper. / Bump-kin.

Johnny · Alexis:So you upload your photo, and the Bumpkin sends it to local singles. / It's not called The Bumpkin.

Alexis · Johnny:'Looking for a hook-up.' / Well, that sounds promising, Alexis, he's open for hooking up for dinner, or drinks.

Moira · Alexis · Johnny:And now we're back to Ray. / Ew! / How did Ray get such a beautiful bathroom?

Alexis · Johnny:I wanted to frame this! [holds up the 'Pubic Relations' certificate] It looks good!

Johnny:Well, this is the second month. I won it last month, took myself out for lunch.

Johnny:I'm kidding. It's a little incentive for a job well done.

Johnny · Stevie:Because you deserve it. [pause] I see. Well, I'm gonna save this for a special occasion. No, no, no, it's for everyday use. It's what the woman in the store told me.

Johnny · Stevie:Stevie? Aren't you forgetting something? Uh, I just... just don't know how to thank you. Oh, that smile on your face is all I need.

Johnny · Stevie:Wow! Look at you! Yeah, used some of that makeup you gave me. Oh, is that what it is? Ah, I thought it was the shoes.

Stevie · Johnny:So, I'm happy to man the desk for you this afternoon, if you've got stuff to do. Oh, no, no, I... I can keep working here. No, Mr. Rose, I insist. I feel like I'm long overdue for some quality, like, face time with the guests.

Johnny · Stevie:All right, I'm getting the hint. Hint? What hint?

Johnny:Well, if you don't mind, I'm gonna step outside. I'm getting flashbacks of David attempting a 3-pointer.

Johnny · Moira:Johnny's casual framing of Moira being left with 'eligible bachelors' — and his denial that he's concerned

Johnny:But if you ever unleash your feminine wiles on those bachelors, they wouldn't know what hit them.

Ricki · Johnny · Moira:Ricki confidently announcing she can find 'superlative matches for both of you' — to a married couple

Johnny · Ricki · Moira:'Well, lucky for us, this lock has already found its key.' / 'You'd be surprised.' / 'Would I?'

Ricki · Johnny:You'd be surprised. / Would I?

Ricki · Johnny:'Will you grant me access to your most intimate sounds?' / 'No. But we'll play the game.'

Johnny · Charlene:Johnny boasting to Charlene that the motel 'never sold out before I showed up' — with zero subtlety

Johnny:'Maybe I'll spend the night sometime.' / 'At the motel, I mean.'

Johnny:Pardonnez-moi, senor Rene. Okay, Moira, let's go.

Ricki · Moira · Johnny:You're um... getting a bit of neck burn. / Oh. / Well, I didn't have any problem with mine.

Johnny:Johnny offering Rene to drive Shirley home — testing him on his key attribute ('can drive at night')

Johnny · Rene:Rene, Shirley needs a ride home. Can you still drive at night? / Sure.

Johnny:Boy, these have a bit more weight to them than the usual pills.

Johnny · David:Yeah, we need some clarity on the point system, David, because I've landed three in Jocelyn's bangs, and that's gotta count for something. / Or nothing.

Roland · Johnny:Roland asking if he gets an extra point for bouncing one off Jocelyn's forehead — and the scoring debate

David · Johnny:Um, who taught you rollout? May have been me. Sorry.

Johnny:So, I may be looking elsewhere when it comes time for the pop-out store.

Johnny · Stevie:Wow! Looking very nice, Stevie. / Yeah, thanks, except I think I have to go home now.

Johnny · Stevie:Before or after your arm started itching? / After, definitely after. [beat] I might've tried a little bit when I was unpacking the box, but... my skin gets real dry in here.

Johnny:This is the last thing we need in the middle of a rollout!

Johnny:Well, I talked to a few florists, and then I... decided it was more authentic and... economical, if I just went out back and... picked some.

David · Johnny:Wait a second, if you picked them, then how come you don't have the rash? / Well, I was wearing gardening gloves.

Johnny · Stevie:So... someone's gonna have to tell David before he... takes it all back. / No offense, Mr. Rose, but I'm pretty sure that someone is not going to be me.

Johnny:Well, does the vendor have a sense of humor, because this is a good one!

David · Johnny:Brenda, can I call you back? You know, it seems poison oak accidentally found its way into the floral arrangements at the motel. / How did that happen? / I don't know. I don't know how it happened. I think someone, someone must've thought it was a beautiful plant.

David · Johnny:Mm-hmm. You did this, didn't you? / Well... you, yourself must've thought it was a pretty flower, or you wouldn't have put your whole face in it!

David · Johnny:Well, you, yourself must've thought it was a pretty flower, or you wouldn't have put your whole face in it! / I'm sorry for touching my nose to a flower!

Johnny · David:So, this is uh, not a good time to talk about future orders. / We will be canceling your account.

Johnny:Okay, with the 50% premium charge for Singles Week, I think we might be able to afford some of the bigger improvements we've been talking about.

Roland · Johnny:Roland's phone. / Roland, hang up. / Yeah, uh, Johnny's tellin' me I gotta hang up. Yes, they're both here, staring at me. Johnny has that upset look on his face.

Johnny · Stevie:Is that you? / No, my phone's in my pocket.

Johnny · Stevie:Well we-we didn't do anything wrong here. Right? / I didn't. / You're the one who put his phone on silent. / Because you didn't know how to.

Johnny:We gave him a lot of errands to run.

Johnny · Stevie · Moira:Apparently they took Roland's phone away from him. / I don't know! / Well... who would do that to a man whose wife is just about to go into labor?

Johnny:Well, in our defense, Jocelyn's a few days early.

Johnny · Roland:Is this it? / Yeah, you're a lifesaver, Johnny.

Johnny:Yeah wh... snake? / Is a little harsh, but he's definitely slippery, I'll give ya that. / I'm standing right here, Bob.

Roland · Moira · Johnny:Look at that, the two Moira's. / Take him, John, my hands are shaking. / No, thank you.

Johnny · Moira:John? John, you're talking in your sleep again. / Oh. / What day is it? / Christmas Eve. / Wake me when it's over.

Johnny · David:We were depressed, and in shock. / Last year... / Less shock, deeper depression.

Johnny:I can't think of a more festive way to spend Christmas Eve, than all of us pitching in.

Johnny · Raymond:Looks like you're down to your last little saplings, Raymond. / Yes, so we're selling these for a special price. / Ah, see, the Christmas spirit is all around us. / Oh, I'm sorry, by special, I meant higher price, because of demand.

Johnny · Moira:Tell me this, sweetheart, have I asked you for a lot this year? / It depends, are we talking emotionally?

Johnny:Whether it was heading to Miami for Puff Daddy's Poolside White Party, or that uncomfortable tree trimming at Arnold and Maria's. How 'bout the night you wore your fur coat to the PETA Christmas Fundraiser?

Johnny · Moira:How's it looking, Moira? Is it straight? / Oh, straight as an arrow. [The tree is visibly crooked]

Johnny · Moira:What's this, a pumpkin? / Perhaps a Christmas gourd. / It's not a Christmas gourd, Moira. / I know, John, but you requested I get on board. That was me getting on board.

Johnny:So we're getting warmer.

David · Johnny:Um... they're at the store, being sold. / I couldn't just bring everything home, just because you wanted to have a party at the last minute. / We're saving for stuff. / Oh, well that's very responsible. What are you saving for? / An... espresso machine. / You're selling coffee now? / Hmm... it's more for the staff room.

Moira · Johnny:I believe he said espresso machine. / You're not helping, Moira.

Johnny:Well, we have a Christmas tree, but no decorations because your brother's a cheap-ass!

Johnny · Alexis:Why would anybody give it to you? / You were in charge of making it! / Making it? I thought you wanted me to handle it? / Like, work the door, make sure nobody gets in that isn't on the list! / It's Christmas Eve, Alexis! Who's going out crashing other people's Christmas parties?

Johnny · Alexis · Ted:Alexis, I thought we agreed that you and Ted would be coming here tonight? / I know, but Ted's friends are having a thing, and everyone low-key hates me. / Uh, hate is a strong word.

Alexis · Johnny:And I'll put the Jerry beads on the tree. / We're not putting Mardi Gras beads on a Christmas tree, Alexis!

David · Stevie · Johnny:Looks like the other side has been charred, or something. / Um, what if we cut it up and turned it into garlands? / Why don't we just cut it up for firewood?

Johnny:It's meatloaf night at the cafe, and if anything is screaming Christmas to me right now, it's meatloaf.

Johnny · Moira:Moira, have you seen the kids? / Whose kids? / Our kids? / That ship sailed hours ago, dear. / Literally, Alexis and Stavros are on his father's yacht by now. Off to Capri.

Johnny · Twyla:Can I take your plate? / Oh, yes, yes, Twyla, and please, thank the kitchen for the meatloaf. I could've sworn it was Wednesdays. / It's always been Tuesdays.

Twyla · Johnny:Is everything okay, Mr. Rose? / Why wouldn't it be, it's Christmas Eve? / And yet, here you are, eating yesterday's meatloaf.

Moira · Johnny:Well, this isn't right, you sitting here alone. / Oh, I don't know, it feels pretty familiar.

Roland · Johnny:Little last minute, this little party of yours, huh? / Well, it seems last minute turned into last second. / Well, all I'm saying is, next time um, I'd appreciate my invitation about a week in advance, okay? / Well, if I have things my way, we'll be making this an annual tradition, so you can save the date now. / No, that's way too far in advance, I can't make that kinda commitment.

David · Johnny:I thought you said we weren't doing presents? / Well, you kids were so upset about there being no presents,

Moira · Johnny:A bomb? / No, it's an antique tin. / Oh. / For your wig pins.

Alexis · Johnny:Stickers! / Of old men! / No, they're stamps, from all over the world.

Johnny · David:David, I know you like money. / Yes. [Johnny presents what turns out to be 1,000 Yen] / It's what looks like 1,000 Yen. / Yeah. / Hm. It's like being right back in Japan.

Johnny · David:I was worried about this menorah being so close to the garland. Last thing we want is to have the motel burn down. / Or is it? / What?

Johnny · Stevie · David · Alexis:Johnny fumbles with the phone trying to figure out how to put Moira on speaker while the family shouts at him

Moira · Johnny:Moira: 'And John, I know how disoriented you get in my absence. Don't forget I left you that Sudoku book.'

Johnny:Johnny: 'Well, sounds like your kind of people.' (referring to the 'up-and-coming pretty young thing' director)

Johnny:Johnny keeps talking after Moira has already hung up: 'Lots to do, but wishing you an exciting...' — then silence, then 'Okay, yep. Miss you, too.'

Johnny:Johnny: 'You better remember which nails you pulled those wigs from, because your mother keeps a spreadsheet.'

Johnny · Moira:Moira: 'This isn't some rinky-dink made-for-TV movie, or a voice gig for an X-rated Japanese video game.' / Moira: 'That-that was rated "M" for "Mature," John.'

Stevie · Johnny:Stevie offers Johnny cream of mushroom soup in a double-bagged plastic bag and asks if he wants a spoon or a straw

Johnny:Johnny: 'Eight days, Stevie. That's the longest we've gone without seeing each other. No matter where we were, and... yeah, we've managed to keep it up for almost 40 years.'

Johnny:Johnny: 'I'll tell you what's not out of sorts anymore, that shed!'

Johnny · Alexis:Johnny: 'I'd go out on a limb and say all of our guests are very important, Alexis.' Alexis: 'That's cute.'

Roland · Johnny · Alexis · Stevie:Roland volunteers to lie about how great the motel is for pay, Johnny says 'Do we need Roland?', then Alexis immediately uses Roland as the plant anyway but as 'Guest Services Liaison'

Johnny · Alexis:Johnny insists Alexis stop calling him 'Johnny' because it's unprofessional — then reveals he IS already the Manager

Alexis · Johnny:Alexis tells Johnny he 'should probably start getting into character' as the Manager, then immediately ends the meeting

Roland · Johnny:Roland mentions he's created a 'turndown service' and given himself a promotion to Guest Services Manager

Emir · Roland · Johnny:Emir asks Roland ('Ro-lahnd') to make a dinner reservation — and to make it for 'Ms. Felmington' — then asks Johnny to get tea for 'Ms. Felmington'

Johnny · Roland:Johnny tells Roland where to find the tea — 'Ro-lahnd' — and Roland replies 'Right' while the two of them navigate the charade

Stevie · Johnny:Stevie: 'I'm really tired, can this wait?' — to Johnny wanting to debrief after the lunch. Then she dismisses him: 'Thanks.'

Alexis · Johnny:Alexis shows the group the Rosebud Motel review. Johnny, reading aloud: 'In fact, Johnny Rose and his Guest Services Manager will go almost too far out of their way to ensure a pleasant stay.' Alexis: 'How do I sign up for this turndown service? Is there a clipboard or something?'

Johnny:Johnny reads: 'Compared to what, a haunted house?' — reacting to 'lovingly restored roadside motel'

Johnny:The review says the motel 'will go almost too far out of their way' — the 'almost too far' qualifying Roland's pot roast turndown service as just barely acceptable

Johnny:Where do you even find these?

Johnny:I was actually just boiling water for my bath.

Johnny:Well, I might have to take out a mortgage on the dress my wife just bought.

Moira · Johnny · Roland:Moira wafting in smelling of honeysuckle while Johnny and Roland discuss the water heater crisis

Johnny:Johnny watches a DIY water heater tutorial video while kicking the heater in frustration

Roland · Johnny:What's our policy on smoke breaks? / Who's taking a smoke break? / I am. / You don't smoke. / Yeah, I know. And I don't think I should be penalized for that.

Roland · Johnny:Well, not all of us can drive around in an 8-cylinder car. / It's a '78 Lincoln, and it's all we could afford!

Moira · Johnny:Moira runs the dehumidifier so loudly that Johnny can't be heard trying to talk to her

Johnny:So, it looks like in addition to the water heater, we're gonna have to replace some of the plumbing. And the water is so hard that Terry said that it's likely in the next little while we might also need a new... water softener.

Alexis · Moira · Johnny:And those are the shoes we're going with? / What do you think? / No. / Shoes, later. As well as jewels. / What?!

Johnny:No! They asked everyone at the table except us, we're sitting right here!

Moira · Johnny:'Raised' might be a stretch. Our nursery was in a different wing of the house. / It was a design flaw. / I'm a light sleeper.

Moira · Johnny:John, you're not still working on that cumbersome laundry hamper? / I told you, it's a playpen, Moira. / I was hoping you were joking.

Johnny · Moira:Yeah, we were there most weeknights. For at least a couple of hours. Unless we were out for the evening. Yeah, or jetting around. Or if it was a really long day.

Johnny:Besides, if Roland can look after a baby, anyone can.

Johnny:No, no need for that, Roland.

Moira · Johnny:You realize the bebe is crying. / I do, yes. / Isn't it scheduled to be dormant by now?

Moira · Johnny:it's saying here that you should... wipe counter-clockwise direction... flip it, if you can flip it. / The baby? / It doesn't say.

Johnny:To think this little thing could... create so much destruction.

Johnny:Well, I did the kid, but I'm not doing the bathroom.

Moira · Johnny:'Spit happens.' / Very clever. / For Jocelyn.

Johnny:Look at him. Awful peaceful when he's sleeping.

Johnny:He's on my side.

Johnny:it's clear from the stain on your top that things have gotten just a little lax around here

Johnny:I made this at Rose Video a while back, but uh, I think you'll find it holds up pretty well.

Johnny · Roland:Let's rewind, and try again. And now they're gonna come and do it again!

Johnny · Roland:Fast forward! — Oh! — Jesus.

Johnny · Roland:Well, it's somewhat dated, but uh... I think the principles of etiquette are still applicable today. Hm. Pretty timeless. Yeah.

Johnny · Stevie:Johnny walks in on Stevie taking a topless photo for a long-distance partner, saying 'I said just a minute!' while Johnny backs away saying 'Yeah, yeah.'

Stevie · Johnny:Taking a personal photo... For my doctor. Right, well, it was, it was a medical uh, photo, and, and uh... and you what? You text or email this right back to your doctor, I mean, what a-what an age we live in!

Johnny:I wish we had gotten to the second tape in the workplace etiquette series, that had a whole chunk on Polaroids.

Johnny:All I saw was a business partner communicating with a friend, that's all. Although you've just explained that it was a more intimate relationship with this uh, chap. But uh, congratulations, by the way. If-if uh, you know.

Johnny:And if you feel the need to finish that communication by the way, with your friend, just uh, maybe try and find a room with a locked door?

Roland · Johnny:I waited 35 minutes! / Oh, don't start.

Johnny:No! No! I... I didn't completely see anything, but I got the gist of what you were doing.

Roland · Johnny:Oh Johnny, I don't think the woman in that video would approve. / The woman on the video is Moira, and no, she would not approve! I would not approve!

Roland · Johnny:Well, I did just think of one thing. / Please don't! / It's more of a limerick. / All right, enough, Roland.

Roland · Stevie · Johnny:Aah! Stevie! Your friend just responded! / Oh my God, gimme that! / Oh my... uh, I'll be taking the rest of the day off. / Okay. Yeah... I'd say her friend responded.

Johnny:I'm glad things are working out with you and your gentleman friend. And I'm just piecing things together here.

Johnny · Stevie:Remember Emir? The guy who came to review the motel? The one who asked you to lunch? Yes, that would be him. Oh! Well, he seems like a nice guy.

Johnny · Stevie:And I'm not saying that just because of the photo. / Oh my God, Mr. Rose! / Okay, rewind, please.

Johnny · Stevie:And I'm not saying that just because of the photo. / Oh my God, Mr. Rose! / Okay, rewind, please. / See you tomorrow! / Yeah, okay, see you tomorrow, Stevie.

Johnny:Johnny mishears 'audition' as 'audited' and exclaims 'Those bastards!'

Johnny · Stevie · Cheryl:Mr. Rose describing Cheryl as 'very striking, full-figured' to Stevie, then being interrupted by Cheryl herself appearing.

Johnny · Cheryl:Johnny doesn't recognize the transformed Cheryl right in front of him after just describing her to Stevie.

Cheryl · Johnny:Well, I lost 80 pounds, I changed my diet, and I started taking Zumba classes. / Well, good for Zumba.

Johnny · Cheryl:Johnny tells Cheryl the room is 'on us' — Cheryl says 'Is it?!' with delight.

Johnny:Well, we try to treat people good. Try to treat good... have a nice room. Day! Day. Have a nice day in your room.

Johnny · Stevie:I think I might've gotten... a whisper of desire.

Johnny:My face was touched. She was doing this. She called me handsome!

Johnny · Stevie:That would leave Stevie alone here at the counter. And I-I don't think that uh... / Oh, but I prefer it that way, though.

Johnny:Yeah, that was fun, but uh, maybe we can start telling some stories about someone else who was naked and crying?

Ted · Johnny:Yeah, yeah, but she's in a much better place these days. She's got like, a whole new lease on life. She told me that she's just going after whatever she wants, no holds barred! / Oh, well hopefully, some holds barred.

Alexis · Johnny:Um Dad, if you do have too much work this afternoon... / Well, we're in it now, Alexis.

Cheryl · Johnny:Thank you, Johnny, for a lovely afternoon. / Well, it's always a thrill to experience a collection of nude photographs with a... a new friend.

Johnny:Yes, yes, I'm relieved... that you're so happy.

Cheryl · Johnny · Alexis:You know, you remind me of my older brother. / Hey, maybe I should start calling you 'Uncle Johnny,' then, huh? / Oh, ha ha ha. / No. Nope. Nope.

Alexis · Johnny:I'm just worried about what that young, hot young Zumba instructor is gonna do when he finds out that Cheryl has a huge crush on you. / Okay, Alexis. But you bought into it for a second there.

Johnny:Johnny: 'When I planned that Casablanca-themed party for your mother's 40th, I had to quarantine the camels for a month.'

David · Alexis · Johnny:The Crows movie secret: David immediately told everyone how the movie ended despite being sworn to secrecy — 'You told me the day you got home. You gave me the script.'

Johnny:Johnny: 'Yes, things are certainly racing along at a dangerously rapid velocity.'

Johnny:Johnny: 'I asked you to mow the lawn three times, Roland, so you being here is more your decision than mine.'

Johnny:Johnny: 'It's uh, you know, you've got David's handsome looks there, and then my face.'

Roland · Johnny · Clint · Marci:Roland implies Johnny is 'not as progressive as the rest of us' about David and Patrick's relationship — Johnny corrects him that he was talking about mixing business and romance.

Clint · Marci · Johnny:Clint and Marci's stunned reaction when they realize Johnny may have just revealed Patrick is in a relationship with David — the 'I missed the last part of what you just said' pause.

Johnny:Johnny's deadpan talking-head observation: 'It kinda seems like they didn't know their son is in a relationship with David.'

Johnny · David:Johnny's 'romantically in business with each other' phrasing — and David's disgusted 'Ew!'

David · Johnny · Alexis:David: 'They call the store all the time! I mean, what do they think, I'm just his business partner?!' — Johnny and Alexis: 'Possibly.' / 'I mean, yeah.'

Johnny:Johnny to the Brewers: 'Oh. Oh, good. Good, then no one really has to feel bad about how this information came out, then, huh?'

Johnny:Johnny: 'Patrick is planning on telling you tonight. So I think the best birthday gift we could give him at this point is to just... keep him in the closet until then. I know that came out wrong, but we all understand what I'm saying, right?'

Johnny:Johnny's awkward 'Yep, I'm just glad you could make it, Mr. and Mrs. Brewer' while knowing the full context

Johnny:When I planned that Casablanca-themed party for your mother's 40th, I had to quarantine the camels for a month.

Moira · Alexis · Johnny:Not one of you knows how the 'Crows' movie ends. / You told me the day you got home. / You gave me the script.

Roland · Johnny:This is a really big deal, Johnny. I mean, meeting my best friend's son's boyfriend's parents for the very first time. I am very touched that you wanted me to share this moment with you. / I asked you to mow the lawn three times, Roland. So you being here is more your decision than mine.

Roland · Johnny:Oh, we do have a lot of fun around here, don't we? / We do, sometimes.

Clint Brewer · Roland · Johnny:I've been somewhat of a skeptic about those two. / This one isn't as progressive as the rest of us. It's a generational thing with him. / I was talking about the store, Roland.

Johnny · Clint Brewer:Did I speak out of turn? / I-I think we'll just go to the room, and get ready for the big surprise tonight.

Johnny:It's more how they reacted when I brought up the fact that you two were... romantically in business with each other.

Johnny · David · Stevie:David, they know, right? / Of course they know! I wouldn't have asked them to come here if I didn't think they knew we were in a relationship! They call the store all the time! I mean, what do they think, I'm just his business partner?! / Possibly. / I mean, yeah.

Patrick · Johnny:Hi. / David. Oh, hi. Hi, Clint, Marci. I see you've met my son.

Johnny:Patrick is planning on telling you tonight. So I think the best birthday gift we could give him at this point is to just... keep him in the closet until then. I know that came out wrong, but we all understand what I'm saying, right?

Roland · Johnny:Roland effusively praises Moira's roast ability: 'You better have the burn unit on speed dial... she is just slinging heat!'

Johnny · Roland:Johnny's first roast attempt at Roland: 'Well, maybe you'd know [what rippers are], if you graduated elementary school.'

Roland · Johnny:Roland's stunned reaction: 'I can't believe you said that to me.' — followed by Johnny's immediate guilt: 'Was that too far?'

Johnny · Ronnie · Bob:Johnny: 'I've got a lot of good material here, I just need some help sifting out the gold.' Ronnie: 'See, that's what I'm looking for — honest reactions.' Ronnie: 'What's that supposed to mean?' Johnny: 'See?'

Johnny · Ronnie:Johnny: 'I was flipping through the phone book the other day, and—' Ronnie: 'The phone book? How old are these?!'

Bob · Johnny:After Ronnie leaves, Bob: 'Man, when she's on fire, look out!' Johnny, stung: 'Well, you haven't seen me on fire, Bob.'

Johnny · Jocelyn · Bob:Johnny's crowd-work attempt: makes fun of Jocelyn's cooking after being called out for it, then pivots to 'Bob's Garage' not 'helping' anyone — fumbling the pun

Johnny · Ronnie:Johnny trails off mid-set: 'What was I saying?' Ronnie (from audience): 'Nothing funny so far.'

Johnny · Roland:Johnny: 'Roland, may I point out that I was quiet when everyone else was up here doing their roasts.' Roland: 'I wish you were quiet right now!'

Ronnie · Johnny:Ronnie reaction: 'Okay, I'll give him that.' — then Johnny notes it's 'got a smile out of Ronnie'

Johnny · Ronnie:Johnny attempts the Roland bedroom joke: 'I'll keep things short and quick. Which reminds me of the last time I was in Roland's bedroom, um... well, I wasn't in Roland's bedroom, but the... Ah! What was it, Ronnie?' Ronnie: 'Just sit down, Johnny.' '...Well anyway, the punchline is, it was short and quick.'

Johnny:Johnny returns home and tells the family: 'No, I wish you guys could've been there tonight. I was really ripping into them.'

Johnny:Johnny fires back: 'Jealousy doesn't look good on you, Moira. Much like that mirrored jumpsuit you wore to Candy Spelling's 50th!'

Johnny · Alexis:Alexis is shocked: 'Oh my God, Dad!' Johnny to Alexis: 'Why don't you take it easy, like you did with your education?'

Johnny:Johnny: 'Alexis has a back tattoo?!' — pure surprise reaction

Johnny · Moira:'Good luck, honey!' / 'It's break a leg.'

Johnny · Alexis · Ted:'Well, you dazzled tonight, sweetheart. Thank you.' / '...Oh, sorry, I don't know why I thought you were talking to me.'

Johnny:'So wait a minute, he's marrying you?'

Johnny:'If it's a bad review, Moira, I wouldn't trust local critics.'

Moira · David · Johnny:'Nothing to see here, people. The party's over.' / 'Okay. Yeah, you can leave your champagne flutes. Unless we still wanna do a toast?' / 'No.' / 'Oh, no? Okay. Everyone leave the champagne flutes, thank you.'

Johnny · Patrick:See what you've done there? — Yeah.

Johnny:Hard to believe this is our first trip down to the creek.

Johnny:Does this not remind you of that wellness retreat we went to in Evian, right after Alexis ended things with Sean Penn?

Moira · Johnny:Bid adieu to our clothing and let the cool sting of the mineral water remind us that we were, in fact, alive and well. — I lost my Patek Philippe in that lake, but I wouldn't have had it any other way.

Johnny:Moira, that was 15 years ago! — What if someone sees us?

Johnny:No, I don't think we need to editorialize.

Johnny:What happened was, you left me alone, struggling to get out of a creek! The algae was so slippery, the cop had to throw me his fishing line.

Moira · Johnny:It appears officer fly fish has taken his leave, how about that dip? — Oh, I think the moment has passed.

Johnny · Stevie · Roland:A 20 minute drive to another motel. [scene establishes Johnny, Stevie, and Roland arriving at what appears to be a rundown property]

Johnny · Stevie · Roland:Why do I get the feeling this isn't an open house? / Maybe it's because of the coffin. This is a funeral, Roland!

Johnny · Roland:What the hell, Roland?! / Johnny, language, please! A man is dead.

Stevie · Johnny:Since I wasn't in the curling league, can I go home? / No. No.

Roland · Johnny:What a small world! / Johnny and I used to play bingo with Maureen, right after curling. Roland.

Mrs. Terkstra · Johnny:We'd be happy to open it for you. / No, no, closed-closed is fine. You sure?

Johnny:Same reason I left the button factory when I was a young man. That, and the fact that working conditions weren't exactly safe for a ten-year-old.

Johnny:I'm gonna miss that enthusiasm.

Johnny:Johnny casually informs everyone that Ted and Alexis were 'about to engage in cyber-sex'

Moira · Johnny:Alexis, what have I told you about putting your body on the internet? Never! Never without proper lighting.

Bank Manager · Johnny:So, you're Stevie Budd? No. Believe it or not, that's actually a woman's name.

Roland · Johnny:Well, she said apparently Johnny doesn't have enough assets. / Yeah, and the problem is, how do you get assets without the loan? / Roland, you're not adding anything to the sentence, you're just repeating what I said.

Johnny · Roland · Jocelyn:Good, then let's go get our lamb. / Oh, are we having lamb? / No, just my Sloppy Jocelyns.

Moira · Johnny:John, were you able to return Bill and Melinda's call today about the hmm hmm-hmm? / Well, you know, Moira, we're not supposed to be discussing investment opportunities at the table, no matter how lucrative they might be. / But you know what the Gateses are like - Bill and Melinda.

Roland · Johnny:Oh good, you're lying down! We have big news. / If you're referring to the bath-time video Gwen posted... / N-no, n-no, it's not that exciting.

Roland · Johnny:Why is there a turtle on the floor? / Alexis!

Moira · Johnny:The trailer buffers and halts immediately after starting. 'It's halted. Someone hit resume.' / 'Just let it buffer.'

Roland · Johnny:Roland's surprise at the motel condition: 'What were you expecting, Johnny? I don't throw good money down on lemons. Who am I, you buying your car?'

Johnny · Roland:Johnny: 'Then explain why the coffee is still hot?' / Roland: 'It's called global warming, Johnny.'

Johnny:Johnny introduces himself to the squatter: '...and this is my partner... Partner. He calls me... No we actually just met.'

Johnny · Squatter:Johnny: 'That explains what that big ole bag was for.' Squatter: 'How do you know I have a big old bag?' Johnny: 'I didn't know. I don't know anything about a bag.'

Johnny · Stevie:I'm glad you didn't feel you needed to clean up on my account, you know? It shows just how comfortable a friendship we actually have. / I did clean up. / Right. That's... what I meant.

Johnny:Good. We bought the second motel!

Johnny · Stevie:But not on your bed. / Oh, here.

Johnny:You don't have to downplay your excitement on my account, Stevie. I'll be just fine.

Johnny · Stevie:Stevie! Perfect timing. I was having a technical issue opening a file here. It's, uh, being finicky. / Uh, remember, Mr. Rose? I left you a sticky note.

Johnny:Ah! Boy, it's times like this I really miss having you around, Stevie.

Johnny:Is it Larry Air? 'Cause they called me for a reference, and also asked if I had any interest in becoming a pilot.

Johnny:Well, I... should probably tell you that you don't necessarily have to trust all my instincts... all the time. Since you've been gone, I did have to bring on a third business partner, and I may as well tell you that it's... Roland.

Alexis · Johnny:Why are you dressed like a limo driver? / Your mother insisted.

Johnny:No, that's not the worst part, Moira.

Roland · Johnny:Roland introduces himself by saying he was 'peering into your son's bedroom' and Johnny's immediate 'Okay, not off to a good start, Roland.'

Johnny:Johnny awkwardly joining Patrick to watch baseball, then making small talk: 'Cold pizza can be good. Hot pizza's good. Too-hot pizza - not so good. I got that happening.'

Johnny · Patrick:Johnny's repeated attempts to pivot to talking about David getting interrupted by baseball plays: 'You know, speaking of great combinations, you and David—' [baseball hit] 'Oh!' Then 'You know, I was gonna say, you and David—' [Patrick watching game] 'Oh he went with Mrs. Rose... You know, I was just flashing on you and David—' [baseball] 'Oh, come on!'

Patrick · Johnny:Patrick's speech about loving David, followed by: '...and I will always do everything I can to respect him and to protect him from all of the things in life that can set him off. And there are many, many things that can set him off—' Johnny: '[Laughs] Oh, I'm aware, yeah.'

Johnny:Johnny takes in Moira and David's state: 'Well, it sorta smells like you... found all the wine.'

Herb · Moira · Johnny:Herb's final complaint to Johnny: 'Your wife ensured that that won't be happening. Between the two of them they could not find a single wine they were willing to put Moira's name on.' Johnny: 'I said radish!'

Herb · Johnny:Herb, furious, tells Johnny: 'Could you please escort your family out of here? I am very late for a dinner!' Johnny's response: 'I am offering a major apology if that'll help.'

Johnny · David:Johnny enters the shared room unannounced and says: 'Well, look at this! We have a full house here. Just came in to say goodnight.' David: 'That's not necessary.'

Johnny:Johnny: 'Hey! I like sleepovers! Anyone think I might like a sleepover?'

Johnny · Alexis:Johnny drops the cult joke: 'losing Alexis soon to the gateway.' Alexis: 'OH MY GOD-DUH!'

Johnny:Johnny: 'A simple mistake, honey.'

Moira · Johnny:Moira wearing a blindfold for Johnny's ribbon-cutting ceremony at a motel

Johnny · Moira:"What are these? These won't cut a ribbon." "They're cuticle shears, John. Do you expect hedge clippers to be drawn from my purse?"

Stevie · Johnny:After all the ceremony, step two turns out to be 'deep cleaning the rooms'

Johnny:Johnny surveys the rundown motel room with nostalgia: 'untouched from the 60s' / 'boutique hotels would kill for this level of authenticity'

Roland · Johnny:'Joc.' / 'And we're back.'

Johnny:"Well, I can almost hear the orcas calling to be fed... or freed."

Moira · Johnny:"Well, if that isn't teamwork, I don't know what is." / "Oh, I'm talking about the way you and I threw them off the fragrance so we could keep this suite to ourselves."

Moira · Johnny:Moira puts her hands in freezing water to test if it's warming up — refuses to move them because 'how will I know if it's getting warmer if I'm not touching it?'

Johnny · Moira:Johnny thinks Moira is angling for a 'romantic weekend'; she clarifies she wants to upgrade their room permanently 'until they find a way out'

Johnny · Moira:Johnny does a JFK impersonation: "If not now, when? If not us, who?" — Moira: "Best to leave the voice work to me when setting a mood."

Roland · Jocelyn · Johnny · Moira:Roland and Jocelyn arrive at the Presidential Suite — catching Johnny and Moira with martinis in the room they were told they couldn't use

Johnny:Johnny immediately says 'you can take the room' the moment Roland mentions 'wife swap'

Johnny · Roland · Jocelyn:Confused JFK quotation argument — Johnny insists 'Ask not what your country can do for you' is JFK but Roland and Jocelyn argue it's FDR and that JFK is from Boston not Upstate New York

Johnny:Johnny describes the suite as reminding him of 'the suites in Cuba before Castro took over' and keeps doing his JFK impression

Johnny · David:David calling himself the 'Grim Reaper of romance'

Alexis · Johnny · David:Alexis: 'Were you guys waiting up for me?' / Johnny and David in overlapping denial: 'Ah! N-no! No, I actually didn't know that you had left.'

Artie · David · Johnny:Artie showing up at the motel room looking for 'Lexi' — a man clearly much older than expected

Johnny · Alexis:Johnny asking if Alexis knows what 'scatting' is — Alexis: 'Do you know what scatting is?' Johnny: 'I do, not a huge fan.'

Johnny:Johnny: 'If you were guessing, Alexis, uh... how old a soul would you say Arthur is?'

Johnny:Johnny: 'Well, it's sounding uh, less and less casual by the minute.'

Johnny:Johnny at the café, hearing someone recount a story about asking for a 'brunch menu' and being given a 'lunner menu'

Johnny · Artie:Johnny: 'Well, please don't call me "Dad."' — to Artie

Johnny:Johnny (aside, after Artie calls him 'old man'): 'That's a smidge worse than "Dad."'

Johnny:Johnny: 'No, that wasn't my primary concern, Arthur.'

Artie · Johnny:Artie: 'I know it isn't always easy being a dad. And being a grandad's even harder.' — said to Johnny, who has no grandchildren

Johnny:Johnny: 'Oh, honey, no, he-he-he wasn't that gross. No, I mean, he-he seemed... nice. He was responsible. He did run a successful mobile-home business.'

Alexis · Johnny:Alexis: 'How did you know about that?' / Johnny: 'What? How did I — where did I hear that?' / Alexis: 'You talked to him!'

Johnny:Johnny: 'Well, I don't really want to know.'

Johnny:Johnny: 'Okay. Yeah, cry for a bit.' — his parenting advice

Johnny:Johnny staring at the door after the emotional scene: 'I wonder when David'll be home.'

Moira · Johnny:Moira: 'And don't forget to say hello to your handsome proprietor, Mr. Johnathon Rose.' / Johnny (off-camera): 'John, no.'

Johnny · Alexis:Alexis: 'Yeah, I started getting dressed for work and I got distracted.' Johnny: 'What could have possibly distracted you enough to do that to yourself?'

Johnny · Stevie:Johnny tries to move the bachelor party to the motel so he doesn't miss the investor call; Stevie's reaction is visible resignation

Roland · Johnny:Roland says he'll 'come running' when 'Ike Morrison' calls — revealing he misheard the name Mike as Ike

Roland · Johnny:Roland reveals Mike Morrison already called — while Johnny was right there — because Roland heard 'Ike' and didn't connect it to the person Johnny was waiting for

Johnny:Johnny's rambling voicemail to Mike Morrison, saying his own name three times and fumbling through: 'Sorry I didn't get your message. Uh, a few technical difficulties on our end... Uh, Johnny Rose calling. Uh, Johnny Rose calling you back. Uh, bye.'

Patrick · David · Moira · Johnny:Patrick's family's bachelor party tradition is revealed — 'annual escape room challenge has been a Brewer family tradition' — met with the Roses' visible unenthusiasm

Johnny:Johnny: 'Have they passed?' — after Patrick mentions his family couldn't be there for the party

Johnny:Johnny: 'I have a compass on my phone. Uh, when do we get our phones back?'

Moira · Johnny:Moira: 'Wait, wait, everyone! I hear my phone ringing. That's the phone I was talking about. So if I could just leave the lab for one minute...' Game voice announces: 'You have 52 minutes to escape.'

Johnny · David · Moira · Alexis:Johnny's big investor revelation in the middle of the escape room — the family's collective reaction of 'Why didn't you say this before?! Get the phone!' followed by revelation everyone kept their phones

Moira · Johnny:The voicemail playback reveals Moira left a message trying to escape the escape room: 'John, call me when you can. We need an excuse to get out of the escape room thing.'

David · Johnny · Moira:David's voicemail plays: 'Hi, just reminding you that you can't bail on the escape room thing, even though all of us want...' Johnny: 'Yeah, I don't think we need to keep...' Moira: 'I actually wanna hear that one.'

Johnny · David · Moira · Alexis · Stevie · Patrick:Mike Morrison's voicemail confirming he wants to take a meeting — played on speaker for the whole family who erupts in celebration

Stevie · Johnny:Stevie: 'Well, we did say no speeches, so—' Johnny: 'Guess they listened.' — as Moira begins speechifying anyway

Roland · Johnny:Johnny, woo! Look at me. I'm you. / I can't believe your suit fits me, we're completely different sizes. And I have a much more athletic build.

Johnny · Ruth:Well, thank you, Ruth. It's always important to make the experience more personalized. / I couldn't agree more.

Johnny:Well, good afternoon, everyone. I'd like to say, long time no see, but Mike's not here and we've just just met.

Johnny:Could have happened to any one of us.

Roland · Johnny:Roland spills the water — 'Jesus.' / 'Oh gosh!'

Johnny:Now let me ask you, how many of you have stayed in a motel? / [pause] / Well, motels are small hotels without the golf courses in case you... Well, good-good-good. So you're familiar at least.

Johnny:And that's what the Rosebud Motel Group plans to do. Open that window and revitalize the classic roadside motel for a new generation. Turns out, a couple of coats of paint and dusting off some mid-century furniture can go a long way.

Roland · Johnny · Stevie:Didn't you have a briefcase? / See, this is what happens when Johnny impresses me. I get confused and I forget what I'm doing. / What was in that briefcase anyway? / Nothing. You told me to look intimidating. So I brought a briefcase.

David · Johnny:We only have Zampagne. / Zampagne for all!

Johnny · Moira · David:What happened to Fabian?! / He cancelled because of the rain. / What kind of adult man rides a penny-farthing? / He's a haikuist!

Johnny:Well, David, I-I-I could easily step in here. I have a lot to say about my son getting married.

Alexis · Moira · Johnny · David:What if the sun comes out and everything's fine. / [02:00] Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!

Johnny:'Hello, you. Are-are we all ready to spin the wheel of life today?'

Johnny:Even Vanna White didn't laugh at that one.

Johnny · Ray:Ray, you don't need to be documenting this. / I was told to capture the day. / Ray, I don't think this is a part of the day that anybody is gonna wanna remember. / Can you say that again for the camera?

Johnny · Ronnie:Yes! Ronnie! That's great! Thank you so much. / I'm doing this for David.

Johnny:I mean, David's gonna have a heart attack, but it... it could work.

Moira · Johnny:And now I will ask David Rose and Patrick... / Brewer. / Brewer.

Johnny · Moira:Well, you did such a great job, sweetheart. I don't know how you do it. / Oh, someone has to hold it together? There's a time and place for sentimentality, and your only son's wedding day is hardly the moment.

Johnny:And uh, if you get the chance, Room 7 needs a turndown.

Moira · Johnny:Okay. Make sure the girls are shipped in a temperature controlled cargo container. / Temperature controlled cargo container.

Moira · Johnny:Make sure the girls are shipped in a... / Temperature controlled / Temperature controlled / cargo container. Aha. / Cargo container. Aha.