Bobs Bagels

David:I'm wearing Valentino.

David:So what do you think? Does this work?

Alexis:Um, yeah, it's cute. I mean, I've seen cuter, but it's definitely up there. Like, remember when I was dating that guy from Maroon 5? He had this shirt that was just... *chef's kiss*. Anyway, yours is fine.

Moira:Oh my God, you're dying. You're absolutely dying. I can see it in your eyes — that thousand-yard stare of the nearly departed.

David:Mom, I have a cold.

Moira:A cold? DAVID. A cold is what people say when they're trying to be brave. You have the plague. We need to start making arrangements. I'm thinking a small, tasteful funeral — nothing too ostentatious, though God knows you'd want me to look stunning in black.

David:I'm fine, actually.

Moira:Don't be stoic with me. It's unbecoming. Besides, someone needs to tell Alexis you won't be able to help her with her various crises anymore. I assume she'll spiral. We should probably put her on a waiting list for a new sibling now.

Moira:A cold? Johnny, a cold is what people in Manitoba get. I have a tropical disease. I'm fairly certain I've contracted dengue fever.

Moira:A cold is not just a cold, darling. It's a gateway to the grave. I once knew a lady's maid who sneezed on a Tuesday and by Friday she was being fitted for a casket. The sneeze led to a sniffle, the sniffle to a cough, the cough to a fever, and the fever to a full celestial departure. She went from folding linens to being folded into them.

Moira:I've brought you some juice, darling. How are you feeling?

David:Mom, I'm fine. It's just a cold.

Moira:Well, I should check on Alexis. She mentioned something about needing new hangers.

Stevie:It's a bold choice.

Stevie:Is this place actually upscale?

David:Well, it's upscale in the sense that I tell myself it's upscale, and I've gotten very good at believing myself.

David:I need emotional support and a ride to the airport.

Stevie:Can I just do the ride?

David:No, Stevie, I need both.

Stevie:What if I give you like, half emotional support?

David:That's not how emotional support works.

Stevie:Well, it's the best I can do right now.

David:I'm going to go change my sweater.

Stevie:Yeah, that's not going to help.

Johnny:Well, if you were a fly on the wall, you'd be there for about three days before you died.

Johnny:There are no good bagels in this town.

Moira:Well, that's because bagels are a New York thing, darling.

Johnny:So what? We could make them here. How hard could it be?

David:Dad, you've never made a bagel in your life.

Johnny:I'm serious. There's a market for this. Quality bagels.

Roland:Oh, these muffins are absolutely spectacular! The way the blueberries just burst in your mouth—it's like a symphony of flavors! I've never experienced anything quite like this in my entire life!

Moira:David, is your sister alright? She looks positively ghastly.

David:She's just sick, Mom.

Moira:Sick? I thought she'd simply forgotten her makeup. With Alexis, it's always so difficult to tell.

Moira:I'm not a nurse. I played a psychiatric nurse in Harvey.

Moira:I would love to stay and comfort you, but I have a choir solo at the community center tonight, and the show must go on.

David:Mom, I'm dying.

Moira:Well, try not to do it before 9 PM.

David:It was traumatic. Roland was here.

Stevie:Shopping with Roland?

David:Yes. He kept picking things up and asking me if I thought they were 'neat.' I almost had a breakdown in the seasonal section.

David:I accompanied Roland to a big box store. It was like Dante's Inferno, except instead of circles of Hell, there were aisles of industrial-sized mayonnaise. And Roland kept stopping to talk to people he knew, which meant I had to stand there holding a gallon of cooking oil while he discussed someone's colonoscopy results.

Bob:Your family is... you're...

Johnny:Jewish?

Bob:Yes! Thank you.

Bob:I just want to say, I have nothing against people of your... background.

Johnny:My background?

Bob:Well, you know, you're... you're very...

Johnny:I'm very what, Bob?

Bob:Ethnic. In a good way! The best way. I love ethnic people. Some of my best friends are... ethnic.

Bob:Well, you can say it, but... I don't know. There's just something about the way you say it that makes me feel weird.

Johnny:What do you mean? It's just a word.

Bob:I know, I know. But when you say 'Jewish,' it just... it sounds so... Jewish.

Store Owner:So I see here you called my store a 'sad, fluorescent-lit tomb of broken dreams' on social media.

Wendy:I was having a bad day!

Store Owner:You were standing in my store when you posted it.

David:Yes, well, I've accepted that 'skanky' is now part of our vernacular.

David:Well, I think 'skanky' is a bit of an overstatement. I'd say it's more... functionally challenged. The store has character. Character that could be vastly improved with literally everything replaced.

David:I'm trying to be helpful here, but I have to say, that color really doesn't flatter you. It makes you look a bit washed out. And the fit is rather unflattering. But you know, if you're happy with it, that's what matters.

David:Also, have you considered doing something different with your hair? Because the way you're wearing it now really emphasizes your features in a way that's not entirely advantageous. Not that there's anything wrong with your features, of course. They're just very... prominent.

David:And I don't mean to criticize, but your taste in general seems to lean toward choices that really don't showcase your best qualities. It's almost like you're actively working against yourself. But I'm sure you're doing the best you can.

Ivan:Hello, I am Ivan. I am very happy to be here.

Johnny:Yes, well, welcome. We're glad to have you.

Ivan:I must tell you, your business, it is very... how do you say... shit?

Johnny:I'm sorry, what?

Ivan:Your business, it is shit. Very shit.

Johnny:Oh! Oh, no, no. I think there's been a misunderstanding.

Johnny:I was just making conversation about bagels. It was theoretical.

Bob:Well, I've been thinking about it, and I have a solution. We cut the bagels in half.

Johnny:...

Bob:That way, one bagel becomes two bagels.

Bob:Let's turn this dream... Into green!

David:The French have a saying: 'If your clothes fit, you're not French enough.'

David:You know, the French have a saying: 'La vie est courte, profitez-en.' Life is short, enjoy it.

Stevie:That's not French, David. That's just you trying to sound interesting at a dinner party.

Stevie:What do you think of this dress?

David:I think it's a bit... revealing, don't you?

Stevie:It's fashion, David.

David:It's a cry for help.

Customer:How does this look?

Moira:Darling, it's lovely, though it does remind me of what I wore to my arraignment in '09.

Customer:This outfit is absolutely perfect! David really knows what he's doing.

Customer:I'm wearing it to my husband's criminal trial next week.

Wendy:Oh, how wonderful! What a great occasion to debut a new look.

Moira:Oh, I see. Well, don't mind me. I'll just be here, doing everything myself, as I always do. Completely fine. Absolutely fine.

Alexis:Mom, Mutt is just helping me with—

Moira:No, no, no. You two go ahead. I wouldn't want to be in the way. I'm used to being invisible in my own family anyway.

Alexis:You can't just pick and choose when you want to be a mother.

Moira:Well, I'm a busy woman, David. If I scheduled motherhood like I schedule my facials, we'd all be better off.

Moira:Well, I wouldn't say never. I bought you medicine once.

Alexis:When?

Moira:That time you had a yeast infection and I was out of Pellegrino.

Moira:Oh, Alexis, darling. You look absolutely drained. Have you been tested for mono? I only ask because, well, given your... extensive extracurricular activities, it does seem rather likely.

Alexis:Mom!

Moira:What? I'm simply expressing concern for your health. Mutt, you might want to get yourself checked as well.

Alexis:Mom, I think you might have feelings for him.

Moira:Alexis, I would rather eat glass.

Johnny:I don't want to use 'Bob'.

Bob:Oh, is it because I'm Jewish?

Johnny:No, no, it's not that at all.

Bob:Because I can change it. I can be something else.

Bob:I was going to open a bagel shop.

Bob:I had it all planned out. The location, the menu, the hours...

Bob:I even mentally invested $50,000 into it.

Bob:And now I'm out that money.

Stevie:Getting champagne to celebrate? What's the occasion?

David:We're celebrating the fact that nobody's currently broken up or estranged.

Stevie:So... we're celebrating a Tuesday?

Stevie:I'm adding a raisin to your champagne.

David:Why would you do that?

Stevie:It's fancy.

David:It's not fancy, Stevie. It's a raisin. In champagne.

Alexis:To David's first job. I remember my first job. I was a child model.

David:Alexis, you were a child model for like, five minutes.

Alexis:It was a very formative five minutes.

Moira:Oh my darling Alexis, you are the light of my life, the apple of my eye, the very reason I wake up in the morning.

Moira:Unlike your brother David, who is a constant source of disappointment and really brings down the energy of this family.

Moira:But you, sweetheart, you make it all worthwhile. Mostly because people often comment on how beautiful you are, and since you're my daughter, it reflects rather well on me.

Moira:David, sweetie, could you adjust the humidity in here? My hair is starting to frizz and I can feel a polyp forming.

David:Mom, we're having a moment.

Moira:I know, and it's lovely, but my lower back is starting to spasm and I think my sciatica is flaring up. Also, is it hot in here or is it just me experiencing early-onset menopausal symptoms?