Alexis Rose

Alexis:Baby, it's crazy. People are just, like, taking our stuff! / Those bags are not for you. My boyfriend bought those for me. So, theoretically, they are his!

Alexis · David:David, what are we... / Shut up! / You shut up! / Um, you shut up! / You shut up!

David · Moira · Alexis · John:Ew! Ew! Ew! Ew! / Oh, my God. Oh, my God. [family recoiling in disgust]

David · Alexis:Because if someone were to break in here in the middle of the night wanting to murder us, they would attack this bed first. So I need this bed. So you're saying that you want me to get murdered first? In front of you? And then what would you do? Would you just run away and leave me to bleed out on the floor?

Alexis:Sort of, that was the plan, yeah.

Alexis:Like, whenever stupid Mary-Kate stops hogging his plane.

Alexis:Um, David, it will be four months next month!

Alexis:He just told me that he could potentially see himself considering saying 'I love you' at some point sometime soon, so…

Alexis:Otherwise, Dad's gonna cry, and Mom's gonna do that thing where she pretends that nothing's wrong, and then just doesn't talk to me for five months.

Alexis · David:I actually think this place is kind of cute. / Did you say cute? / No, Alexis. Martha Stewart's Hampton home is cute.

Alexis:It is charming. It is quaint. It's like out of a storybook.

Moira · Alexis:I think it's unforgivable! / I think that you're just super jealous 'cause I'm getting out of here! / Also, you have a big thing of dandruff on your eyebrow.

Alexis:Stavros just texted me. And he ended it. He's not coming! He said that he doesn't have time to come and get me because he already RSVP'd to Diddy's white party, and he doesn't have time to do both! But I was supposed to be his date to the white party!

Alexis:You're a dick, David!

Alexis:As if I didn't see this coming. He's broken up with me five times already. Like, there was that time that he never met me in Rio, and remember that time when he gave me his ex-wife's engagement ring?

Alexis:And then, last summer, that time that he left his molly in my glove compartment, and then I got arrested?

Moira · Alexis · David:So, seriously, Alexis, enough about Stavros! / I'm sorry if I am going through something right now! / You're going through something?

John · David · Alexis · Moira:Good night, children. / Good night! / Good night. / Good night. / Let's all pray we don't wake up.

Alexis · David:she has 'hakuna matata' tattooed on her foot. / Stavros was seeing escorts before you. A Disney tattoo shouldn't be a surprise.

David · Alexis · David:Actually, now that I think about it, where are those friends? / They're just giving me space right now. / Because they're considered people.

Alexis:Is there a bar in this place or are we in one of those religo cult towns?

Alexis:Um, yes. Love that journey for me.

Alexis · David:I'm looking for a guy like a mechanic or someone that hammers stuff. Um, at least 5'7. Kind of like full lips. Athletic body. Maybe a neck tattoo would be cute. / No, it wouldn't.

Alexis · Stevie:You know, I think this could be really good for me. So thank you. / You're welcome. Yeah. I'm looking forward to it. Having all that fun.

Alexis:David, for the gate party tonight is it more of a leather pants thing or...

Alexis:I'm gonna go do a lap and this swan is best when she flies solo.

Alexis · Stevie:- So you're gonna be okay? - I live here.

Alexis:Um... this has been a lot of fun, but I'm starting to smell a little too much like uh, campfire, and denim and plaid and stuff so... bye.

Alexis:So there are no guys for me here. But it was kind of nice to just like to flex the old muscle.

Alexis · Stevie · Alexis · Stevie · Alexis · Stevie · Stevie:So there are no guys for me here. But it was kind of nice to just like to flex the old muscle. / Put your thumb over the tube. / Agh, I kind of wanna just go for it but... - But sometimes it doesn't work out, I guess. - Yeah. / - Okay, put the tube in your mouth. - What? Uh... / Yeah. Just open your throat. / And go down, 'cause you're tall.

Alexis · David:Alexis describes the man she kissed as 'that beardy guy that I kissed at the party' — David clarifies: 'You mean the hitchhiker that was burning meat over a garbage can?'

Alexis · Johnny:Alexis reports that Moira was 'face down on the carpet before dragging herself into the closet' — and she thought Moira was 'maybe looking for a contact or something'

Alexis · Johnny:Alexis: 'Well, my horoscope said that I shouldn't assume responsibility for anybody but myself today.' Johnny: 'Yeah, and my horoscope says, why don't you go in and help your mother!'

Alexis · Johnny:Alexis: 'Though it is kind of fun to watch, though.' Johnny: 'Not when you're the one she's trying to back over with a car.'

Alexis:Alexis in the closet with Moira: 'You just need to relax, because it's not like your boyfriend left you for a Scandinavian flight attendant! What kind of name is Kika anyway?'

Alexis:Alexis: 'I'm the one that should be in the closet right now, not you.'

Alexis:Alexis's plan to stop Moira talking: 'I think we should go get something to eat, because when you're eating you can't be talking to me, okay?'

Alexis · Moira:Alexis: 'Okay, I just remembered that being a mother is not your strong suit.' Moira: 'Oh darling, I'm only telling you because it's true!'

Alexis · Moira:Alexis accuses Moira of having 'gobbled down a hundred thousand anti-depressants this morning.' Moira: 'I was hungry! But I could still eat.'

Alexis · Moira:Alexis overrides Moira's entire order: 'She will have scrambled egg whites and some steamed spinach, please, thank you.' Moira immediately countermands: 'And some pecan pie! Onion rings, and ice cream!'

Alexis:Alexis spots Mutt outside, excuses herself from Moira — 'Don't move!' — and immediately forgets her mother exists

Alexis · Mutt:Alexis confronts Mutt: 'The reason that I let you kiss me.' Mutt: 'Um, you kissed me.' Alexis: 'Yeah, no, I can see how that would be confusing...'

Alexis:Alexis asks Mutt why he's getting table scraps: 'Are you, like, a poor person, or?'

Alexis:Mutt explains he's composting; Alexis: 'Yeah, no, I... I know composting. Um, Gwyneth Paltrow does a compost gift exchange.'

Alexis · Mutt · Twyla:Alexis shows up at Mutt's cabin — Mutt answers the door apparently shirtless/post-workout; Twyla is also there

Alexis:Alexis's hollow laugh and 'Blaaaaah!' upon leaving Mutt's cabin

Johnny · Alexis:The 'fixed' town sign is now apparently worse. Alexis: 'It looks like...' Johnny: 'I know what it looks like, Alexis! I know!'

Moira · Alexis:Moira describing Alexis as 'our only delinquent' while handing her community service papers

Moira · Alexis · Johnny:Moira does not know Alexis's middle name — her own daughter

Ronnie · Alexis:Ronnie to Alexis: 'So what's your deal? You're pretty. What's that like?'

Alexis:Alexis: 'Mm-hmm, clearly, as I register for community service.'

Alexis:Alexis explaining her DUI: 'I drove into the Prada Store on Rodeo Drive... it did look a lot like the entrance to a parking garage... And I was high at the time.'

Ronnie · Alexis:Ronnie: 'Are you high right now?' Alexis: 'No.' Ronnie: 'Well, you might wanna be, 'cause this isn't exactly thrilling work.'

Alexis:Alexis: 'It's actually pretty clean around here, which is shocking considering the state of our motel room.'

Alexis:Alexis: 'Nothing, if you're a goat.'

Alexis:Reaction beat: Alexis alone in the field after Mutt abandons her on community service — she shouts 'Excuse me! What am I supposed to keep doing here?'

Johnny · David · Alexis:The family argument over whether the game is 'two truths and a lie' or 'two lies and a truth' — Johnny keeps getting it wrong

Alexis:Alexis: 'Well, yeah, because babies play that at their birthday parties.'

Alexis:Alexis: 'One time I escaped from a Thai drug lord's car trunk by bribing him with sex.'

Alexis:Alexis defending herself: 'Aroon was a lovely gentleman until he ran out of money.'

Alexis:Alexis: 'Um, I'm pretty sure just two.'

Alexis · Moira:Alexis reveals Mutt is making out with the mayor's wife, and Moira responds: 'What's-her-face?!'

Alexis:Alexis describing Mutt: 'Handsome, mysterious... And handsome and homeless-y'

Alexis:Alexis: 'I have been in the middle of some very messy group scenarios and I know how weird it can be.'

Alexis:Alexis: 'Your secret is safe with me. Wink.'

David · Alexis:David insisting his New York apartment was very clean: 'I kept it clean after Cecilia cleaned.' — then immediately announcing he needs space from Alexis

Alexis:Alexis (talking head): 'Okay. I'll just chill here in my own space and... Yeah. Maybe I'll do a mask or something and... check in with myself and see how I'm doing...'

Alexis:Alexis: 'I miss being surrounded by loose acquaintances who think that I'm... funny, and smart, and charming.'

David · Alexis:David's 'games night' vs. party negotiation — David: 'Something small. Like a little games night.' Alexis: 'Yes, like a small, little games night party.' David: 'No. Like a little games night period.'

David · Alexis:David: 'Any more [than six] and game play gets too yelly.' / Alexis: 'It gets very yelly.'

Alexis · David:Alexis: 'I may or may not have invited a few other people.' / David: 'What kind-who?' / Alexis: 'I don't know. I met them on the way home.'

Alexis:Alexis: 'Every time the vein in my brother's eye twitches, we take a drink.'

Alexis:'Every time the vein in my brother's eye twitches, we take a drink.'

Johnny · Moira · Stevie · David · Alexis:The phone-chain chaos as Johnny tries to reach Herb Ertlinger through the motel — Stevie patches it through, David has headphones in, Alexis answers and tells him he has the wrong room, the call keeps getting lost

Alexis:Alexis answers the phone for Johnny's important business call and tells Herb Ertlinger 'Sorry, you have the wrong room. He's actually in room 6' then hangs up with 'No problem. Bye.'

Alexis · David:Alexis: 'Well, I hate to admit it, but I actually know very little about heart murmurs.' David: 'Well, I have one.'

Alexis:Alexis: 'Honestly David, I have tried to find my pulse like a thousand times and nothing. So don't worry about it.'

Alexis:Alexis: 'How long are we gonna be talking about you for?'

Alexis · David:Alexis: 'Well, I'm gonna go for a jog, so don't die until I get back.' David: 'Well, how long are you going for?' Alexis: 'Um, I don't really know. How long are you gonna be like this for?'

David · Alexis:David: 'Don't be a little b...' Alexis: 'Bye!' David: 'When I'm in this state!'

Alexis:Alexis enters David's darkened room: 'Why is it dark? It's like a witch's house in here, David.'

Alexis · David:Alexis: 'Babe, you know that panic attacks aren't real, right? They're just things that celebrities make up to...' David: 'No, I know. I thought so too, but they are real and I'm having one apparently.'

David · Alexis:The 'taking a selfish' negotiation — David and Alexis arguing over whose turn it is to be selfish, citing Dubai 2010 as precedent

Alexis · David:Alexis: 'Fine, I will go, but I am not happy about this at all.' David: 'Okay. Get off my bed.' Alexis: 'Ouch, David. Ouch, David!'

Alexis · Mutt:Alexis and Mutt's increasingly awkward yoga partner stretching — 'I haven't noticed. I have noticed, I haven't — I haven't "noticed" noticed, so...'

Alexis · Mutt · Twyla:During a yoga pose where Alexis is holding Mutt's thigh, something goes wrong — 'Let's bring it down... Oh, no! Oh! Mutt should support his own thigh.' Alexis: 'Omigod! Omigod! I'm so sorry.'

Alexis · Twyla:The Meadow Harvest smoothie exchange — Twyla explains it 'changes every day, depends on her mood, all organic, earthy,' then when pressed on fruity vs. vegetably, admits 'No, I don't know.'

Alexis · Ted:So are you a doctor or... ? — I'm a veterinarian. — Oh! It's basically the same thing.

Alexis:(Feigning humility) 'What? No. I'm sure there's like another girl... somewhere.'

Alexis · Twyla:Yeah, it's a little less fruity but a little more... something. Mm! Mm... (Giggles and spits)

Alexis · David:A polite person would now ask me what I'm doing tonight. — That's what this is about? Sorry. Um... what're you doing tonight?

David · Alexis:I think you'd be good for each other. — Do you? — I think he has everything you're looking for in a husband. — A husband? — What am I looking for in a husband? — Money.

Alexis:It's this little buffet restaurant in Elmdale, but he said that we could order off the menu.

Alexis:I went on a blind date to Bali with Leo, so... I'm pretty sure I'm gonna be fine.

Alexis:He doesn't have a trust fund, so, like, that's a refreshing change of pace for me.

David · Alexis:Speaking of people without trust funds, what about that beardy thing that you spend time with? — What? Mutt? — Yeah. — No. Ew. It's not a thing.

Alexis:Okay, you know what? Bye, guys. We'll see you in the morning!

Alexis:So is it, like, a small town thing to end the first date with a kiss on the cheek?

Twyla/Mutt · Alexis:I mean, he might as well have shaken your hand. — Well, he did that too.

Alexis:Yeah! I actually introduced him to Beyonce on the car ride on the way home, so that was very special.

Mutt · Alexis:Mutt arrives with a smoothie for Alexis and gives a forced/awkward kiss — clearly more than just a friend.

Alexis:First day of a cleanse, so she's a little whoo!

Alexis:I do not like what this cleanse is doing to your brain. You're being very rude! / I'm sorry for yelling.

Stevie · Alexis:Well, I was a different person then, a lot changed since after high school. / So what did he do to make you such a teenage cliché?

Alexis · Stevie:He always said hi when he passed me in the halls, and for some reason, it bugged me. / Yeah, I can see that.

Stevie · Alexis:So he's bugging you. / What? No! Oh my God, no! / Oh yes.

Alexis:'Yeah, I can see that.' — Alexis's reaction to Stevie confessing she bullied someone for saying hi

Alexis:I never return food, I think that's so rude.

Alexis:Can you not just say no for one time, Ted?!

Alexis · Ted:Say something super mean. / What, I can't just turn it on in an instant, like you can.

Ted · Alexis:I find your brother can be a little pretentious sometimes. / Yes, yes! He is so pretentious, and it is so gross.

Ted · Alexis:Well, and your mother... / Seems to be a little uninformed at times. / She's uninformed most of the time. / This is great, this is really good.

Ted · Alexis:Well, and you, what about you? Are you just going to sit around all day, while I work and buy you dinners? You've gotta go out there and get a job... / Too far. / Mm-hmm. / It's too far, okay. / That's too far.

David · Alexis:Some townie douchebag is moving in next door. They've got a baby. / Is there a gun?

Alexis:I'm gonna go stay at Ted's because I've been on enough spring breaks to know how this is gonna end, and it's not... not good.

Alexis:Yeah. Like I don't feel good about it.

Alexis · Ted:Well, I am dating a vet. I should've known that... There'd be slutty little animals running around. And I only take in the slutty ones, so...

Ted · Alexis:'Opening your heart to animals: A guide to the benefits of caring for something other than yourself.' It's a very specific book.

Alexis · Ted:Is it a credit card? No. It's a room key... To the premium king suite at the Holiday Inn Express in Elmdale, and they have a very strict no pets allowed policy.

Alexis · Ted:Thank you. No. Thank you. No. Thank you! Thank you. Thank you! Thank you.

Alexis · David:You slept with Stevie. / What, did Dad tell the whole motel? / Well, no, but I heard through the wall, 'cause he was doing his high-pitched voice.

Alexis · David:So, was it cute for you, or what? / It was fine. It was... It was weird. It was good. / Love that. / It was good but weird. / I love that!

David · Alexis · Johnny · Moira:David and Alexis tell their parents they need to 'get a life' and feel 'suffocated' — then both parents immediately forget what they came to say.

Alexis:...and that was fine when we were child actors

Alexis · Mutt:You're quiet today. / Am I? / It's just that you're not talking, and it's annoying, because I'm bored.

Alexis:You know that if it's in your dreams, or over the clothes, it's not cheating, right?

David · Stevie · Alexis:David, Stevie, and Alexis's reaction shots to Ted's apartment interior.

Alexis · Mutt · Ted:We were washing a car and talking about bad dreams. / Okay? / Okay. / You sound a little defensive. / Well... / I'd agree.

Dee Dee · David · Alexis:Dee Dee gives the kids $100 cash and they react with overwhelming excitement

Twyla · Alexis:Twyla: 'I'm so sorry. I really didn't think that was gonna hit you.' Alexis: 'That's okay. Your mom did the same thing to me this morning.'

Alexis:Alexis: 'I tried it once and the guy ripped the guitar out of my hands and he just started smashing it on the ground.'

Alexis:Alexis: 'Granted, I am tone deaf and he was a... He was a super angry Marine, but...'

Alexis:Alexis to Twyla: 'Um, I would love to, but I actually hate music, so I don't think I'd be a very good judge.'

Alexis:Alexis: 'Are you sure that Mutt likes music? 'Cause I feel like if he didn't, it could be kind of awkward.'

Alexis:Alexis (confessional): 'In all honesty, Mutt was just a placeholder. According to my tea leaves, the guy I'm supposed to marry is black, so...'

Alexis · Moira · Johnny:Alexis announces she's going to Chicago with Ted and when Moira asks 'Can I come?' Alexis flatly says 'No.'

Johnny · David · Alexis:Johnny attempts 'Talk to the hand, son, because the ears are no longer working' — followed by 'Oh, my God. Okay, that's not at all how that works, so...'

Ted · Alexis:Ted casually mentions he booked a 'Chicago's Best Deep Dish Pizza Tour' for the afternoon

Alexis:Alexis hears about the pizza tour and immediately pivots: 'Well, that's probably gonna have to change, but what else did you book for us?'

Ted · Alexis:Ted reveals they're staying at the 'Clarendon Executive Suites and Apartments' — Alexis reacts with 'Babe!' as if it's the most glamorous thing imaginable

David · Alexis · Ted:David convinces Ted's veterinary conference is in 'a Chicago suburb' — Alexis hadn't told Ted about cancelling

Alexis · David:Alexis threatens: 'I'm gonna slap you in the face.'

Alexis:'David, you and Mom literally ruin my life.'

Alexis · Mutt:Alexis runs into Mutt while he's working and immediately asks to borrow his barn, adding: 'But if you can't take the night off from bedding women, I totally understand.'

Mutt · Alexis:Mutt removes a bug from Alexis's hair. She reacts: 'Oh. Ew!'

Johnny · Alexis:Johnny and Alexis in the car — the silent reaction beat when they've missed the Elmdale exit while David was sleeping

Johnny · Alexis:The candles argument: 'We can't afford the candles. They're $2.49.' / 'They don't just come with the cake?' / 'No, apparently not.'

Alexis · David:Alexis: 'Not if you just take them.' David: 'Well, that would be low-bottom behaviour, wouldn't it?'

Alexis:Alexis: 'Um, did you have to kill a man to get it, or...' — about Mutt's suit

Alexis:Alexis: 'You were planning on getting lucky tonight?'

Ted · Alexis:Ted shows up at the party despite supposedly being at the conference: 'Well, I had someone take my last seminar. I didn't wanna miss this.'

Ted · Mutt · Alexis:Ted to Mutt, about the suit: 'Great suit, bud.' — Mutt: 'Thanks.' — then Alexis immediately to Mutt: 'Killed somebody for it.'

Ted · Mutt · Alexis:Ted to Mutt: 'Great suit, bud.' / Mutt: 'Thanks.' — followed by Alexis saying 'Babe, I thought you had that...' / Mutt: 'Killed somebody for it.'

Alexis:I thought everyone just kind of dropped you like flies when you couldn't pick up the tab at the Waverly anymore?

Alexis:And do what, eat a cronut at a Brooklyn flea market?

Alexis:Honestly, David, and, like, no offense, but when I get out of here, I'm gonna get my own place so I can pack how I wanna pack and I don't have to be called a circus freak all the time.

Ted · Alexis:Originally, we were gonna be on an all-inclusive vacation when I did this. / What's an all-inclusive vacation?

Ted · Alexis:Alexis Claire Rose, will you marry me? / Um... [long pause] / Yes! / If I was staying, then yes! A thousand times yes! / And if things were different and I wasn't leaving, um, then definitely yes. / So, is that a no? / Yes.

Mutt · Alexis:So, you're leaving. / What'd Ted say about that? / He proposed. / Really? / So, what'd you tell him? / I told him I was leaving. / But if you weren't, you would? / Is this a Barbara Walters special or something? I'm leaving. That's it.

Mutt · Alexis:You don't seem to be crying about it. / I think it's nice you're going back... / I'm not a dolphin, Mutt.

Mutt · Alexis:You know what I meant. / I'm happy for you. / Oh. / I'm glad you're happy about it. / You know, you should really work on expanding your emotional range at some point.

Ronnie · Alexis · Ronnie:Well, excuse you in that coat! / I know! Jocelyn gave it to me. / What? / Knockoffs are getting so good these days.

Ronnie · Alexis:And you must have done some number on Mutt. / What do you mean? / His hours were up a month ago, he kept coming anyway.

Mutt · Alexis:Sure. / Don't you even care that I'm leaving? / Of course I care. / Then what're you doing? / Why are you yelling? / Okay, I'm gonna ask you one more time. Mutt, why did you do that extra community service? / You know why! / Why can't you just say it?

Alexis:I'm pretty sure I'm engaged, and I'm pretty sure I just cheated on my fiancé.

Alexis · Johnny:Alexis has pushed her bed to take over more floor space; 'Just giving myself some more space. There's a lot going on in my life right now.'

Alexis:Alexis's list of stressors: Ted's marriage proposal AND 'the whole Mutt issue, which is very complicated, and sexy'

Alexis:'Well, I can't find him, so what would you say he is?' — Alexis responding to being told David is 'missing'

Mutt · Alexis:Mutt enters having let himself into Alexis's room; 'Actually, you're standing in my living room, you let yourself in.'

Alexis:Alexis describes her mother as being in a 'waking coma' and her dad as having 'developed more of a stutter' as reasons their romantic situation is complicated

Alexis · Mutt:Alexis says Ted 'was misinformed' that things were done between them. Mutt: 'By who?' Alexis: 'By me.'

Mutt · Alexis:I thought things were done with Ted. / Me too. / But apparently, he was misinformed. / By who? / By me.

Alexis · Mutt:Alexis complimenting Mutt's hands: 'Soft for someone who does nothing but manual labor.' Mutt: 'Thanks, I make sure to moisturize.'

Alexis:Alexis's non-sequitur story about her kindergarten friend who got adopted by a rich Asian family in Vancouver, who then had their own kid, and 'I can't remember whether she's back on the streets now...'

Alexis:Alexis pivoting from worry about David to 'And he took his hair straightener, which he knows that I use more than he does. This whole thing is just very selfish.'

Alexis · Ted:Alexis: 'And I just keep picturing him at the bottom of a lake.' Ted: 'Oh, no, that guy was like, a known alcoholic, and they pulled him out a week ago.'

Alexis:Alexis's circular logic: 'Technically though, someone did leave, and so the dust just hasn't really settled on the whole... us leaving thing. Yet.'

Alexis · Ted:Ted asks if Alexis is scared 'about David, or about being with...' and Alexis replies 'Yeah, that.' — collapsing both fears into one non-answer

Alexis:Alexis is told David has been found; she's asked to come. Her response: 'I'm just super tired from walking, though.'

Alexis:Alexis's Somali pirate hostage anecdote: taken hostage on David Geffen's yacht for a week, nobody answered her texts because 'I had just had my eyelashes dyed, everything was cloudy!'

Alexis · David:Alexis to David: 'Okay, it's gotten more complicated! We slept together!' — blurting out the Mutt situation mid-family reunion

David · Alexis:David: 'Okay, nobody freaked out when Alexis went missing!' Alexis: 'I didn't go missing, David. The FBI knew where I was the entire time.'

David · Alexis:Moira: 'I slept in the cab of a truck! Overnight!' Alexis: 'Oh my God, who hasn't, David!'

Alexis:Alexis's 'Ooh, burn, David!' after Roland says he won't press charges

Alexis · David:Someone keeps eating my yogurt! / What kind of yogurt?

Alexis:Agh, you're like a big, dirty raccoon, David!

Alexis · David:I thought it was an actual table, David. / There was a plug coming out of the side of it!

Moira · John · Alexis:Excuse me, but the enchiladas were my mother's recipe. / I don't think so. / Um, that's not how I remember it.

Alexis · David:Oh my gosh David, it's gonna be so fun for you tonight, doing that with Mom. / Don't touch me! / It's so nice! / Don't! That's harassment!

Alexis:Is this a safe space yet, for us? Or...

Alexis:Is that a trick question?

Alexis:Yeah, I don't like you anymore. I mean, like that.

Alexis · Other character:Are you wearing makeup? / So what if I am?

Alexis · Ted:Oh my God, it's like we're sharing a brain! [then Ted reveals he wants to try the proposal again]

Alexis:Alexis's face after Ted says 'we try the whole proposal thing again' — a long, horrified silence.

Ted · Alexis:Unless you were gonna say something else? [long pause] No!

Ted · Alexis:'Cause you and me... / You and I... / No, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh! / It's-mmm!

Alexis · David:I finally went over to break up with Ted. / Ooh, that is good! I was starting to think you might never do it.

Alexis:I don't know if it was the timbre of his voice, or the fact that he smelled like baby powder, but I just, I physically couldn't do it!

Alexis:You know, there must be people out there who say yes to getting married because they can't say no, and then what happens? And then they're just stuck for the rest of their life, with the same wrong, sweet, person, right?

Alexis:What if I sent him the sweetest little text message?

Alexis:Okay. Yeah. / I'll do it in person. / Obviously, I'm just... / I'm gonna do it in person. / I will do this in person!

Other character · Alexis:Well, that was quick. / It was a pretty short grocery list. / No, I mean, you being 'over it.'

Alexis:You know, it's interesting, the longer we have this conversation, the more over it I get.

Other character · Alexis:Wow, well aren't you just a... A pillar of strength, and self-healing. / Yeah, I'm pretty amazing. / Uh huh. / You really missed out. / Oh, did I? / 'Cause, you know, I'm over it. / You're over it! Yep.

Alexis · Ted:Well, I think it's probably better if you put Hazel down. / What?! No, she'll be fine! It's just her blood sugar!

Alexis · Ted:You're the perfect boyfriend, Ted. / Thank you... / But... / I knew there was a 'but.' / No, no, no! There is no 'but.' / But you're just not the perfect boyfriend for me.

Alexis · Ted:Oh wow, could you make this any harder? / Well, I did book us a two week couples vacation that's non-refundable.

Alexis · David:Alexis returns to the motel claiming she told Mutt she needed space — David knows this is a reversal of the truth

Alexis · David:Alexis compliments the cedar chest — 'That's a cute little wood thing, David' — and David accepts the compliment: 'Thank you, I made it'

David · Alexis:David's deadpan 'It looks like a bike' response to Alexis's panicked 'David, what is this?!'

Alexis · David · Mutt:Mutt knocks on the door immediately after Alexis's panicked 'No, Mutt!' and David promises to support her — then she does a calming exhale before cheerfully saying 'Hey you!'

Alexis:Alexis's forced enthusiasm: 'I do! I do need a mode of transportation! And like, a car would be nice, but, do I need a car?'

David · Alexis:David and Alexis respond to the helmet in unison: 'A helmet!' — David then encouraging Alexis to actually put it on with increasing insistence

Alexis · David:Alexis whispering furiously 'I hate you, David!' before cheerfully calling out 'See ya!' to Mutt

Alexis:Alexis's excuses for not riding the bike: 'I'm just not wearing the right outfit' / 'by the time we get on, and then we get off, it's almost not worth it' / 'there are so many drunk drivers around here'

Alexis · Mutt:Mutt: 'It's 10:00am.' Alexis: 'Mutt, you tell that to an alcoholic!'

Alexis · Mutt:Alexis finally admits: 'I don't know how to ride a bike.' — and then repeats it louder when asked to repeat herself

Alexis:Alexis defending herself: 'Yeah, but I never had to ride the bike!' — referring to her Tour de France boyfriend

Alexis:Alexis blames David for her not knowing how to ride: 'David was such a little drama queen when my parents tried teaching him, that they threw all the bikes into this big bonfire up in the Hamptons, and we never talked about it again.'

Alexis:Alexis listing her alternate skills: 'Have you ever had to negotiate in Arabic? It is very difficult.' / 'try getting into "Kiss Kiss" in Tokyo without a lock of human hair.'

Alexis:Alexis mid-lesson: 'Sorry, I was just thinking about this crazy night at Kiss Kiss.' — drifting off into a reverie

Alexis · Mutt:Alexis takes off on the bike before learning to brake — Mutt calls: 'I didn't teach you how to brake yet!'

Alexis:Alexis: 'You can't blame everything on having been pigeon-toed, David.'

David · Alexis · John · Moira · Stevie:David successfully rides the bike — the whole family (and Stevie) erupting in celebration

Moira · Alexis:Moira waking Alexis: 'Honey, I need to ask you a serious question, has it gotten worse or are you just not wearing any makeup?'

Alexis:Do you like this sweater? Jared Leto gave it to me and I've always been on the fence about it.

Alexis:I can still hear you!

Moira · Alexis:Alexis? — Alexis?! — I'm sleeping!

Alexis · Moira:I think you have to do it without the tissue. / You're right, okay, put your hand up on the forehead. / Mom! / Oh God!

Moira · Alexis:It's warm! / How warm? / I don't know Alexis, I'm not a nurse! Though I played one once in a lovely little production of 'Harvey,' but she worked in a mental institute.

Alexis · Moira:Everybody gets sick sometimes. / Speak for yourself!

Moira · Alexis:Had I known your spirits were so high, I might not have spent the last 45 minutes of my life running around buying cold medication. / I didn't ask you to go buy cold medication. / When have you ever bought me cold medication?!

Alexis · Moira:Weren't you supposed to be at choir practice? / Rehearsal. Yes. I supposed to be there over an hour ago. / So why aren't you? / Because I kept picturing you diseased and all alone.

Alexis · Moira:That's never stopped you before. / I know! / What the hell is going on, Alexis!

Moira · Alexis:I'm feeling something. Something debilitating! You're the ill one, but I'm... I'm feeling this... This... / Maternal instinct, maybe? / No, that's not it. / No! / Maybe. / No!

Alexis · Moira:Tell me a story. / How about a song? / No! / A story it is.

Alexis:I don't like this story.

Alexis:I love how we can just be silent with each other.

Mutt · Alexis:You're talking about how nice it is not to talk, but you're still, talking about it. — 'I mean, yeah, I'm not a mute!'

Mutt · Alexis:'Well, that is an understatement.' — 'Are we having some non-fight fight or something?'

Alexis · Mutt:Oh my God! Your face! — Yes, you can see it now! — You shaved!

Alexis · Mutt:And you didn't talk to me about it. / About me shaving my beard? / Yeah.

Alexis · Mutt:'hm, no mutt, I don't think that that's the right journey for you at this point in time.' — 'Well, then I would've said, too bad.'

Alexis:I was a beard for a very well known actor, and I get it, it's uncomfortable.

Alexis · Mutt:But your beard is like, my favorite thing about you! — My beard is your favorite thing about me! — I said one of my favorite things. — No, no, no, no. You said, 'favorite thing!'

Alexis:Look at your little doll lips.

Alexis · Twyla:Um, what's the cake today? — I'm sorry, did you just ask for cake? I'm not used to you ordering solid food.

Alexis:I guess I'm having cake.

David · Alexis:What's going on? I think Mutt and I ended things. You think? Okay, here's a serious question: Are you capable of making an executive decision?

Alexis · David:I think Mutt and I ended things. — You think? Okay, here's a serious question: Are you capable of making an executive decision?

Alexis · David:We both agreed that even though the sex was amazing — Mhmm. — Like, amazing! — [long beat] — There was this time in the barn where I climbed up onto this rafter...

David · Alexis:What was right in front of you? — When? — Okay.

David · Alexis:Which was what? What? What was right in front of you? When? Okay. Okay. So anyway, it's done.

Alexis · David:Like, I've never felt anything after a break up. Mhmm. — Like, nothing. — Like, I've been to doctors about it.

Alexis · David:I think I need a hug, or something. — W-you what? — I need a hug. — Uh... uh... — David, will you please give me a hug? — Oh, okay, yes, yeah.

Alexis · David:I think I need a hug, or something. W-you what? I need a hug. Uh... uh... David, will you please give me a hug?

Alexis · David:Did you get new bedding? — Um, yeah, I did. — But it's a write off, so I don't... Anyway.

Alexis · David:Did you get new bedding? Um, yeah, I did. But it's a write off, so I don't... Anyway.

David · Alexis · Johnny:Oh, did you pick up that random condom that was on the grass there? — Ew yeah, whose was that? — I have no idea.

David · Alexis · John:Oh, did you pick up that random condom that was on the grass there? Ew yeah, whose was that? I have no idea.

David · Alexis · Johnny · Moira:Weren't those here before? — There was literally nothing here. — It was a wasteland. — Weren't there more plants here before? — No, there weren't!

David · John · Alexis:Weren't those here before? There was literally nothing here. It was a wasteland. Weren't there more plants here before? No, there weren't!

Johnny · David · Alexis:Oh, there's the condom right there, David. — Ew! Eww!

Alexis:'Don't, David. I have nowhere else to put stuff.'

Alexis · Ted:Oh my god! Ted? / Alexis! / You look good. Like, really good, like, super... sun kissed, and muscle-y.

Alexis:It's like if the Sons of Anarchy had a vet.

Alexis:You're thinking about becoming a drug dealer? I mean, I get it, it's fast money, and no one would ever suspect you.

Alexis:I had a friend in Venice Beach who sold raw milk, and his entire compound was raided. I mean, he also sold drugs, but like...

Johnny · Alexis:What is this? / The twelve things of milk that you asked for. / The twelve 'things' of milk?

Alexis:Ohhh! Okay, 'cause I was wondering why would Dad order $300.00 worth of milk?

Alexis:Well, $394.40, so I guess kind of closer to $400.

Johnny · Alexis:What am I gonna do with $400.00 worth of raw milk?! / Sell it! / To whom?! / To your customers! / I don't have any customers! / Well then, why would you order so much milk?! / I didn't! You did!

Alexis · Johnny:Okay, I try and do something nice for somebody, you think I would at least deserve a 'thank you!' / Oh well, thank you, Alexis, thank you for ordering an insane amount of milk that I will never be able to sell! / You're welcome!

Roland · Alexis · Johnny:Oh my God, it's the cops! / Don't stop! / No, it's nothing, it's probably an accident! / I'm gettin' out of here! / Roland, Roland! / Close the door! / You're acting like I've never done this before!

Alexis:I've been through tons of these in Johannesburg, um, it's like a drive-thru, except everybody has a gun.

Johnny · Alexis:When were you in Johannesburg?! / I don't know, I remember I just got my braces off, so... / You were 14, in South Africa?!

Alexis:That's, uh, Jennifer. And then he's, um... Jacob. And then I'm also Jacob.

Alexis · Officer:Well, you can look at our drivers' licences, if you don't believe me! / Oh, I don't think that'll be necessary, Jacob.

Alexis:Jennifer? Actually, my birth name is Angelica.

Officer · Johnny · Alexis · Roland:Jacob? / Jacob. / Jacob? / What?! / She wants you to pull over. / Oh, I'm sorry, I thought you were talking to the other Jacob.

Johnny · Alexis · Roland:Well, there it goes. $400.00 worth of milk. / I feel like this is partly my fault. / Partly?!

Alexis · Roland:Roland was the one who completely blew it back there! / What?! Did you not see me playing that cop? Oh my God, she didn't know which way was up when I was done with her!

Alexis:The smell of this milk is making me super nauseous.

David · Johnny · Alexis · Moira:David reveals his employer bought him a car (rental) and Johnny and Moira immediately pivot to 'Thank God we have a car again!' — David's withering 'Um, very unclear on the "we" part of that sentence'

Johnny · Alexis:Johnny deflects Alexis's concern by saying he just needs to 'make things liquid,' and Alexis immediately calls it out as a financial red flag from dating Wall Street losers

Johnny · Alexis:Johnny tells Alexis not to tell David or Moira because 'they're too fragile to handle this'

Alexis · Johnny:Alexis tells Johnny 'You might wanna tell that to your face' after he insists there's nothing to worry about

Alexis · Moira:Alexis wanders in asking 'What's going on?' and is casually informed: 'There are nude photos of me all over the Internet.' Alexis: 'Um, are you sure you're not thinking of mine?'

Alexis · Patrick:Alexis says she has a pimple because she washed her face with 'dirty hand soap.' Patrick: 'Yeah, just don't look at it.' Alexis: 'Thanks.'

Alexis:Alexis accidentally blurts that 'my entire family is broke and we can't afford to eat right now' while trying to explain she can't pay Patrick back for a smoothie

Alexis · Patrick:Alexis, offered a receptionist job at a vet clinic: 'That's so sweet, but I would be uncomfortable accepting free money.' Patrick explains she'd be working and paid. 'Oh!'

Alexis · Ted:Alexis insists on formally interviewing for the job Ted has already offered her, despite him pointing out she already has it

Ted · Alexis:Ted conducting a formal job interview he already knows the outcome of — the theatrical 'ahem' and papers shuffling

Alexis · Ted:Ted asks if Alexis has receptionist experience. 'That would be a no, but I have dealt with a lot of receptionists before, and so I feel like I have the right temperament for it.'

Alexis:Alexis shuts down the interview: 'I'm gonna stop you right there. I'm loving this Q and A, but I think what's important right now is my positive attitude. And I don't wanna brag, but "Us Weekly" once described me as "up for anything."'

Alexis · Ted:After Ted hires her: Alexis: 'You're a really good actor.' Ted: 'Thanks.' Alexis: 'You're welcome.'

Alexis:Alexis talking head: 'I never saw myself having like, a normal job. But I think it's gonna be kinda nice to make money and stuff.'

David · Alexis:David: 'You're working for your ex.' Alexis defends Ted; David: 'Ted also proposed to you twice, so I'd say Ted's decision making skills are a little suspect.'

Alexis:Alexis defends her interview: 'I went through the same interview process as everybody else. He asked me several questions, most of which I answered.'

Alexis · Johnny:Alexis gives Johnny a card: 'My deepest condolences? ... "I know things have been tough lately, but I'm here for you, and hope this helps. Love, Alexis."' Johnny: 'Was there supposed to be something in here?' Alexis: 'In where?' Johnny: 'In the card?'

Johnny · Alexis:Johnny reads the card and asks: "Was there supposed to be something in here?" / "In where?" / "In the card?" / "What do you mean?" / "Oh, it's just the card."

Moira · Johnny · Alexis:Moira asks why Johnny is hugging the kids. Johnny's explanations: 'I found my button. / Alexis got a job.' Moira: 'Alexis got a job!' — genuine shock

Moira · Alexis:Moira to Alexis: 'Wow Alexis, look at you! Just starting out on a shiny new future!' — followed by a lingering, slightly horrified silence as she processes

Alexis · David:David, Ted said that I had to wear scrubs, but what does that mean really? / Um, I think it means you have to wear scrubs.

Alexis · David:Whatever happened to empowering women's sexuality? / I don't think sex appeal is the guiding principle behind nursing uniforms.

Alexis:Obviously you've never been out for Halloween, David.

Alexis:I was very hands on, David. I came up with all the flavours by myself.

Alexis:David, the factory in Guangzhou assured us that it was lead-free.

Alexis · Ted:Hey! Sorry I'm a bit late. Um, I wasn't sure what the etiquette was for this kind of thing, so I walked around the block a little bit. / Oh, you can show up early, or on time. Early is probably even better.

Ted · Alexis:Those bare legs are dangerous. / Ted! / No, I'm serious. The animals carry bugs or ticks that can burrow into your bare skin.

Alexis:I'll just dive right into this. You won't even miss your last secretary once I get finished with these puppies.

Ted · Alexis:I found you a loaner pair [of scrub pants]. Helen must have left them. [Cut to Alexis in comically ill-fitting pants]

Alexis:I once dated this Sultan's nephew who was forbidden to talk to me or even to look at me, and we made it work for like half a regime change, so...

Ted · Alexis:So how's the filing coming? / I have been swamped. Doris's cat is like totally high maintenance.

Alexis:Okay, well, what am I supposed to do? Poor thing is like desperate for a man.

Alexis:Um... I don't know, someone hung up?

Alexis · Ted:Hey, I was thinking about what you said yesterday and, um, I think... / Now is not a good time.

Alexis · Ted:How are things with Mittens? / He's dead. / Ew!

Alexis:Sounds like something you'd find at a serial killer's house.

Patrick/Motel Clerk · Alexis:You're joking. / Mm-mm. I wish I was joking. / But you hate kids. / Mm-hmm. That's correct. / Oh my God. Can I watch? / No. / Or video tape? / No, you... no. / Can I bring friends? / No.

Alexis:Um, 'cause I'm a fully capable human being. Um, if you happen to find any Xanax lying around anywhere, can you just... let me know about that?

Alexis · Doris:...these treats are actually gonna go on sale next week, so maybe you just wanna hold off until then? / Well, I think he'd really like them. / Yeah... I'm sure he would really like them... if he wasn't... dead.

Doris · Alexis:What? / Yeah, he's dead. / But! / But the good news is, you're not.

Alexis:But you're free, Doris, and, in a way, so is Mittens.

Alexis:Ew! No, we don't have to talk about that right now, okay?

Alexis:The upside... Oh! is that Albert from down the hall can now come over for dinner without worrying about his allergies threatening his life. / Hey. I think it's time that we find you a new love of your life.

Alexis:Oh! No, I think it was about, um, vacation days. Yeah, you had mentioned two weeks. So I guess I was just wondering, um, how many two-week vacations are available per year?

Alexis · Ted:Um, how many two-week vacations are available per year? Well, tell you what, why don't we start with one and then we'll just go from there.

Alexis:Honestly? Nothing is more natural... um, aside from maybe the thread count in these sheets, but that's okay! 'Cause you're a woman now!

Alexis · girl:Um, and nothing about that is embarrassing. / I'm not embarrassed, I'm scared!

Alexis:I think my sister has some wonderful products in there for you. Uh, health accessories, so feel free to help yourself to those.

John · Moira · David · Alexis:'Don't Cry Out Loud' by Melissa Manchester blasting loudly through the motel walls at night, punctuated by frantic banging, screaming, and cross-room arguments between all four Roses.

Stevie · Alexis:Stevie, flatly: 'Uh... it's an ad for an apartment.' Beat. Alexis: 'I know, it's cute though, right?' Stevie: 'I wouldn't really describe any apartment as cute in this town.'

Alexis · David:Alexis: 'It's not really a cute look to be this age, and live at home. No offense, David.'

Alexis:M'kay well, you're a full grown man, who's much older than me, living at home. So it's just a little bit embarrassing.

David · Alexis:David: 'I wonder if you could move out tonight?' Alexis: 'No, because I'm gonna be using my half of the room as a guest bedroom.'

Alexis:Alexis: 'I'm sure there's plenty of vagrants looking for temporary housing. Speaking of which, David, I'm gonna need you to come look at the apartment with me.'

Alexis · Ray:Alexis keeps asking 'Is it cute? I know it's light and spacious, and airy, but I just wasn't sure if it was cute.' Ray: 'Oh, it's cute.'

Alexis · Ray:Alexis asks about rent. Ray: '$275. But I think they're dreaming.' Alexis: 'A week?' Ray: 'No, no, no. A month. But again, I think we can talk them down.'

Ray · Alexis · David:Ray pulls out the lease: 'I thought you'd never ask!' Ray and Alexis share a delighted laugh while David is left out.

Alexis · David:Okay, you don't... you don't even have a car! — Oh my god, if you want the place so badly, David, why don't you just say it?!

David · Alexis:The David/Alexis exchange about who wants the apartment: 'So you don't want it? / No. / So if I said I didn't want the place, you wouldn't... / Okay, so you don't want the place? / I'm just trying to figure out if you want the place!'

David · Alexis:David, back in the motel: 'Just admit that you wanted the place.' Alexis: 'I was just asking questions to help you make the right decision.' David: 'Well, you're a terrible liar, Alexis.'

David · Alexis:Alexis screams 'Mom?' — thinking the ghost might be Moira — and David's response: 'Dad's dead.' (whispered)

David · Alexis:Alexis: 'Ohh, you're such a dick, David!' followed by David making groaning/choking ghost noises as the scene ends.

Alexis:Alexis: 'Okay, well, I'm seeing a lot of women's tops, so if there's a minimum amount for free shipping can let me know before you order?'

Alexis:Alexis: 'I'm sorry. Were you picked up by the South Korean Secret Police on New Year's? I had to sweet talk the consulate's lawyer to get me a passport before midnight.'

Alexis · David:David is asked if he had a Cosmo Girl subscription at 16 — a long beat, then: 'No.'

Alexis:Alexis: 'Okay, David, if you have to lie about something you should breathe out while you answer, 'cause it really just calms you down.'

David · Alexis:David: 'Oh my God! I'm not being interrogated. This is a negotiation.' / Alexis: 'I'm just trying to prepare you, okay? 'Cause they're gonna eat you alive in there.'

Alexis:Alexis: 'I know that we just met, but if Prince Harry trusted me with his life, then I think you can too.'

Wendy · Alexis:Wendy: 'Well, I do feel better having a lawyer in the room.' / Alexis: 'Oh my God, you're so cute. Um, I'm not a lawyer, but I'm glad that my fashion pony is working.'

Alexis:Alexis objects to the lawyer's itemized costs: 'Objection sustained.'

Alexis · Lisa:There is the travel, there are the meals, there is the shipping and the catering... / Which is very similar to the meals and not necessarily relevant, so...

Alexis:Alexis: 'And let's be honest, Blouse House doesn't have quite the same ring to it.'

Alexis:And if we're gonna announce a new name, there has to be a whole relaunch event, and that involves... Event planners and, um, florists.

David · Alexis:Alexis: 'Um, with my help, David.' / David: 'I believe I offered advice.' / Alexis: 'You said Wendy should cave and take the first offer. What you gave was the opposite of advice.'

Moira · Alexis · John · David:The family pivots from saving to manicures: 'Maybe we could do manicures. I could [get] a manicure. The three of us should go.' / David: 'Wait a minute, just 'cause I do my own nails doesn't mean, you know, I wouldn't go...'

Alexis · David:Alexis: ''Kay, they're just expensive and you wouldn't really appreciate them.' / David: 'Oh yay, David! Yay!'

Alexis:Alexis objects to wishing her parents happy anniversary: 'Isn't that something that you two are supposed to say to each other?'

Johnny · Alexis:Johnny explains 'it's called being courteous, honey' and brings up the Bloomfield kids throwing anniversary parties.

David · Alexis:'Happy anniversary! Congratulations on your ongoing love for one another. You did it!'

Alexis · Ted:Ted reveals there's a party at Mutt's, and Alexis didn't know she was invited — then asks what time the party is.

Alexis · Tennessee:Alexis meets Mutt's girlfriend Tennessee and calls her 'Tallahassee.'

Alexis:'Thank God you look the way you do, because that name on the wrong girl would just... Ooh! So you should feel really good about yourself.'

Alexis:It was so nice to finally meet you, Tallahassee.

Alexis:Alexis admits she started drinking before the party with 'all four of those peach schnapps you left in my fridge.'

Alexis · Mutt:'Staff dance?' — 'Yes!'

Alexis:The 'townies were trying to get us high and we didn't want to offend them because they're doing so well in life.'

Johnny · Moira · David · Alexis:'Smells like grass in here.' — 'Oh my God!' 'Oh my God!'

David · Alexis:After Moira finally says 'We love you both very much' — David and Alexis respond with flat, unemotional 'Love you too' in unison.

Alexis:Alexis describes walking in as catching the boys in 'an afternoon delight' and asking if that term is 'still a going thing'

David · Alexis · Jake:David and Alexis both react to seeing Jake at Alexis's workplace — their overlapping 'oh hi' and confused body language

Alexis · David:Alexis: 'He dropped me off at work this morning.' / David: 'He WHAT?!'

Ted · Alexis:Ted's response to Alexis describing her app: 'Right, so then... what will you do?' — implying the app replaces her only function

Alexis:Alexis: 'Basically my worst nightmare.' — responding to Mutt's road trip with no plans, no phones, no schedules

Jake · David · Alexis:Jake reveals he didn't know David and Alexis were related, and that he assumed they were both 'cool with it'

Alexis:You sure, David, 'cause I've got a pretty good idea.

Alexis · Jake/David:Well, I don't think Jake is here to see David. / We can hear you. Very clearly.

Alexis:Don't worry, David, I've been in this situation like, the most times, except I'm always the girl getting into the truck.

Alexis:When it comes to three people, David, there's always a favorite. It's just like how Mom likes you more.

Alexis · David · Moira:See?! / See what? / Alexis seems to think you like me more. / Alexis, don't be ridiculous! This is exactly the kind of paranoia that makes me wary of spending time with you.

Alexis · Moira:I was sitting right here, and you chose to eat lunch alone. That is simply not true! I didn't see you. At first.

Alexis:I took one tiny break to watch two episodes of 'Scandal' with Mrs. McCreary, while she waited for her dog!

Alexis · Ted:Okay, but nothing during lunch, though. / Maybe? / Tell your mom I say hi. / Okay... thanks.

Moira · Alexis:When your father comes over, just act like everything's normal. / Is there something not normal about us being here? / It's not normal for your father to be waiting tables at a rural sandwich counter.

Alexis · Johnny:And I will get the dressing on the side, please. / You'll get your dressing on the salad, like everyone else.

Moira · Alexis:Um, I love having salad for lunch. It's just, it's not heavy. / No, well, a heavy salad might as well be a casserole.

Moira · Alexis:And... uh, your daily exercise routine... / What are you looking at? / It's-well, it's a napkin. / Let me see this. / You had to prepare questions?!

Alexis · Moira:'What's your favorite color?' / Black. / That's one of the questions! It's right after, 'how is your job at the animal hospital?'

Alexis · David (reading) · Moira:'What's your favorite color?' / Black. / That's one of the questions! It's right after, 'how is your job at the animal hospital?'

Moira · Alexis:Bordeaux?! The trip I planned for the two of us? / That was a wine tasting tour, and I was seven years old! / You could've used the spittoon, That's what the other children did.

Alexis:I don't remember throngs.

Moira · Alexis:What is your favorite season? / Awards.

Alexis:Who is this cool cat, and what did he do with Ted?

Alexis:Did you get in a bar fight?

Alexis · Ted:You owe someone money. — Alexis, I pay off my credit card bills two weeks in advance, what do you think?

Alexis:What are you talking about?! Anyway, um, secret or no weird secret, we've gotta cover that thing up. I hope you're not into contouring, 'cause it's not really my thing.

Alexis · Alexis · Ted · Alexis:Lisa dropped them off. — Hey! Don't be embarrassed. I know your little secret, and as your assistant I will be discreet, and professional. — What? — No one's gonna know that you're having an adventurous little rendezvous with an apple-cheeked farm-woman!

Ted · Alexis · Ted:I was making a house call to Lisa's farm, and got... head-butted by her goat. — Is that when one of you is on the floor, and then the other one kind of just like hops... — No, uh... I was head-butted by an actual goat.

Alexis:Those are delicious, by the way. She practically begged me to try one. So... I did. And I also took a couple for David.

Alexis:Heather Warner doesn't actually have a cat.

Alexis · Alexis · Ted:Ohhh. — She like, thinks she has a cat? That's so sad. But I guess she is like 50, so that makes sense. — Yep, she's 42. And she's not crazy. It's... code.

Ted · Alexis · Ted:I'm kind of seeing Heather, and the flea shampoo is... — A booty call?! — Well, I'm not crazy about the term, but...

Alexis · Ted:Ted, look at you, Little Sexy Susan! — Okay, calling me 'Susan' kinda takes the sexy out of it.

Alexis · Ted:Ted, say hi to her cat for me. — That's too far, Alexis!

Alexis · David:Alexis gasps dramatically and announces David took 16 tries to get his license.

David · Alexis:David's meticulous correction of the 16 tries claim: 'I failed the written test twice, and then took the driving test, and passed! And then your learner's permit expired, and you had to do the written test again, which you... failed.'

Alexis · Johnny:Alexis: 'Okay, I will drive.' / Johnny: 'You got your wallet?' / Alexis: 'It's fine.'

Alexis:Alexis: 'Oh, that reminds me, can you hold the wheel for a second, I need to check my phone.'

Alexis:Alexis: 'Hey, relax, David. I once had a 7-year-old drive me around Mumbai, so I'm pretty sure you're cool to steer for a sec.'

Alexis:Alexis: 'Trust me, people aren't thinking about you the way that you're thinking about you.'

Alexis:Alexis: 'I don't skate through life David, I walk through life. In really nice shoes.'

David · Alexis:The driving examiner approaches the car — David and Alexis freeze mid-argument.

Alexis · David:Alexis: 'Nobody cares.' / David: 'I got it!'

Alexis · David:Alexis: 'See? I told you. He didn't care.' / David: 'You never trust me!' / David: '...Yes, I do.' / Alexis: 'No, you don't!' — The circular argument that immediately follows his test success.

David · Alexis:Alexis: 'Well, you didn't have to worry about me.' / David: 'Well, I did.' — Beat. The car is quiet.

Alexis · David:Alexis: 'Nobody likes their driver's license photo, David.' / David: 'Okay yeah, I was just hoping I would get some options.'

Johnny · David · Alexis · Moira:Johnny: 'Have you been in there the whole time?!' — Johnny has apparently been in the bathroom fixing the faucet while the family gathered in the room.

Johnny · Moira · David · Alexis:The faucet chaos escalates: Moira reports steam, nobody can turn it off, and someone burns their hand — culminating in Johnny: 'See? No drip.'

Alexis:Patrick/Ted plot: 'He looks like if Ricky Martin and Mark Consuelos had a baby.'

Alexis · Ted:'You could probably take just as sexy a photo if you wanted to.' / 'I could definitely take just a... I don't want to.'

Alexis:Bunny cam idea justified as 'very popular with people who hate their jobs, or are in loveless marriages'

Ted · Alexis:'Are those the people we wanna be targeting?' / 'Well, it's free marketing, and you can find little homes for those little bunnies that don't have any houses.'

Ted · Alexis:'But if those bunnies feel exploited even a little bit, I am pulling the plug! / Yes. / Honeypea.'

David · Alexis:'Ted is taking his clothes off.' / 'You wish, David.' / 'No, Ted is getting naked on your webcam!'

Alexis:'I emailed our entire client list about this, David! I emailed his parents!'

David · Alexis:'Ted looks good.' / 'Yeah, he does.' / 'David, he looks really good.' / 'Okay, that's gross.'

Alexis:'Although there was a moment last night, where it looked like you might have known, and you were doing this like, thing with your hips.'

Alexis:'People were very concerned as to whether or not you would get your pants on successfully.'

Alexis:'Um hello, who are you, and what did you do with Theodore Mullins?'

David · Alexis:Alexis corrects David that mail delivery is free; David says 'I don't think so...'

Alexis:Alexis: 'You've just been kind of hanging around a lot lately, which isn't a bad thing... but it's also not a good thing.'

Alexis:Alexis clarifies Ted is not her ex-boyfriend but her 'ex-fiancé'

Alexis · David:Alexis circled 'Stars and Cosmology' on a college brochure thinking it said 'Cosmetology'

Alexis:Alexis on the phone trying to get into college without her diploma: 'No, I wish it was a flood... Okay well, chasing down the paperwork seems like a lot of work.'

Alexis:Alexis: 'I really don't think you can claim education as your thing' — delivered with complete sincerity

Alexis:Alexis: 'the stupid people at the college wouldn't just take my word for it when I told them that I had a high school diploma'

David · Alexis:David: 'Well, it's not like they're gonna be like, "oh, you don't have your high school diploma, you can't come to our college."' Alexis: 'That's almost word for word what they just said to me on the phone.'

David · Alexis:Alexis: 'Didn't you say on your resume that you did four years at UCLA?' / 'Yes... technically, if you consider Bel Air an extension of the campus, which everybody does.'

Ted · Alexis:Ted: 'We got some serious sack circles going.' Alexis: 'Oh, so many sex circles.' Ted: 'Sack. Hacky sack. We always hoped they'd lead to sex, but... still.'

Alexis · David:Alexis: 'I really wish you hadn't told me that last little bit, but... thank you.' David: 'That makes two of us.'

Alexis:Alexis reveals she met Beyoncé in Mykonos as justification for taking a semester off and not finishing high school

Moira · Johnny · Alexis:The Rose parents discover Alexis didn't actually graduate: 'We were at the graduation!' / 'Yeah, but I wasn't.'

Alexis · Johnny · Moira:The graduation photo turns out to be Jess Chang, not Alexis

Alexis:Alexis: 'Then how do you explain this graduation photo?' — revealing a photo that is clearly not her

Alexis:Alexis: 'That's not my face!'

Alexis · Johnny:Alexis: 'Okay, why didn't anyone come to my graduation?' Johnny: 'Well, you didn't graduate in Switzerland.' Alexis: 'And whose fault is that?!'

David · Alexis · Johnny · Moira:Okay, I think you're brave. / Well, that's very nice of you to say, David. / Okay, he's being sarcastic! / What?! / Oh. / It's a defense mechanism. From all the bullying.

Alexis:Alexis's reaction to being introduced — she asks to 'say a few words' to the class rather than sitting down

Alexis:So as Jocelyn said, my name is Alexis, and yes, I did not finish high school. Um, it's this long, boring story involving a yacht, and a famous soccer player, and like... a ton of mushrooms.

Alexis:Anyway, I think it would be so great if we could just go around the room, and everyone could tell me like, five things about yourself.

Alexis · Jocelyn:Okay, it's just that she never actually said 'let them eat cake.' / Um well, that depends on who you ask. / Hmm, well, I asked Kirsten Dunst, who played her in the movie.

Alexis:Kirsten also told me at the premiere that she was jealous of my bangs.

Alexis:My friends used to call me Marie, And that was mainly because I was casually seeing Prince Harry, so there was the whole like, is she gonna be a princess thing, um, but it's also because we were going through this very dark phase where we were just like, partying too hard.

Alexis:Hey, I think that we started out on the wrong foot. And like, I totally get it, there's a new girl in town, and that can be super intimidating, but I just wanted to let you know that I'm actually very approachable.

Alexis:I stole this dress from Ashlee Simpson. Or like, she stole it from me, and then I stole it back.

Johnny · Alexis · Moira:The cinnamon buns are discovered to have been eaten by the family — they're supposed to be for guests

Jocelyn · Alexis:I'm assuming that you know why I wanna talk to you today? / Is it because I was texting in class?

Alexis:Trust me, if I could've gotten someone else to write this, I would've.

Alexis:Oh my God, thank you! [In response to being told her paper sounds like it was written by someone else]

Alexis:Duplicitousness?! I can barely say that. And untoward? Okay, yeah, no, I did not write this.

Alexis:Okay, like, I didn't even choose this font! It's horrible.

Moira · Alexis:You worked so hard on that! / Yeah, which is why it was super upsetting when she said it wasn't good.

Alexis · Moira · Johnny:'poorly written, and under-researched.' / Well, that's just not true! / Well, you have to go back and tell Jocelyn that information was founded on practical experience in the field! / It should've been founded on my research.

Alexis:used words like duplexity, and backtowards!

Alexis:Why couldn't you have helped me cheat in private school, like everyone else's parents?!

Johnny · Alexis:Although... I don't really consider it cheating. / Mmm. okay, well, it is. / It is, but is it... really plagiarism to take something your dad wrote, and put it in your paper, and claim it as your own?

Johnny · Alexis:And you know why, honey? Because you're better... 'than' that. / Thank you. / N-No, you're better... 'than' that. / Okay, I'm better then that. / Not better then that, better... than that. / Okay, I don't know what you're talking about right now!

Johnny · Alexis:All right, well if you don't want my help, 'than' I guess I'll leave. / Okay, thank you! / Okay, I'll see you later... 'than.'

Alexis:'Follow us on tweeters!'

Alexis · Moira:Tweeters! / We're going to get lots of disciples, dear.

David · Alexis:David condescendingly dismisses Alexis's business input as things she's 'very excited about' from 'your high school intro to business course'

David · Alexis:Alexis insists she got the hand cream — David specifies he wanted THE BOX of hand cream, not to sample it; Alexis: 'That's like 53 pounds'

Alexis:Alexis proposes having her own sub-label under David's brand, selling 'festival wear, hair feathers, and body jewelry'

Alexis · Patrick:Patrick arrives to drop off the business license; Alexis tells him 'I'm Alexis, and I'm currently studying business and I'm David's sister and life coach'

Alexis · Patrick:Alexis apologizes to Patrick if her hands are too soft because she's 'been sampling a lot of product' — Patrick confirms they are indeed very soft

Alexis:Alexis tells David she can 'swing by the store and help out after school' — and mentions she might need more of the lip balm she liked

Alexis:Alexis explains 'sweat equity' — when you help someone and they give you 'lip balm or whatever else you might need'

Alexis:Alexis proposes outsourcing her sweat equity to Patrick

David · Alexis:David: 'Are you passing this economics course?' Alexis: 'Yes. Yeah. Yes, I'm pretty sure.'

David · Alexis:David tells Alexis there 'won't be anybody for you to flirtatiously boss around' — referring to Patrick

Alexis:Alexis: 'I hate to break this to you, David, but there will always be somebody for me to flirtatiously boss around.'

Alexis:Alexis speculates that Patrick not asking for her number means he's 'either newly married or he's gay'

David · Alexis:David distracts Alexis from the Patrick conversation by telling her she missed a spot with the highlighter — she immediately looks

David · Alexis:David bursts in asking 'Mom slept with Roland?' — Alexis confirms 'Yes. Apparently.'

Alexis · David:Alexis: 'I get it, Roland is the mayor, and it's very difficult to work with someone who you're attracted to.' David: 'Yeah. Like you and Ted?' Alexis: 'No! I'm making fun of mom and dad right now, David.'

Alexis · David:They dated for like a month and a half and David got very upset about it. / It was almost three months. Four, if you include the month that he was seeing other people.

Alexis:Remember when he dumped you? And you ate all those mall pretzels, and watched 'Bridget Jones's Diary' every day for a year.

Alexis · Ted:Um nothing. It just says that I work here. / Uh-huh. This is for volunteer hours. But you don't volunteer here. You work here. / But, I volunteer to work here.

Alexis:Okay. It's just, I thought my community service hours would apply but they don't count because they're court-ordered. So...

Ted · Alexis:Well, tonight's gonna be fun though, dance lessons! / We'd have to touch them.

Alexis · Ted:Although I did think that there would be more of them. / Yeah, well there used to be, but... you know.

Alexis · Ted:Oh, okay, but these ones actually smell like very clean, like baby powder. / Yeah, I think it's probably better if you call the girls by their names.

Senior Woman · Alexis:Why would he bring her here? / Are you talking about me?

Alexis · Ted:Does Dot have arthritis? Because it looks like she's giving me the finger. / Well, she has arthritis, / but not in that hand.

Alexis:Oh well... we're not dating. / But I do understand that old women can get very possessive about young... younger...

Joan · Alexis:Okay... / It's none of my business and I'm sure you have your reasons. / I'd just want to know what they are?

Alexis · Joan:Is she not cute? / She's not you.

Alexis · Joan:I think you ladies are just a little bit confused. Ted and I are just very close friends. / Hm. / My husband and I were really close friends for 52 years.

Ted · Alexis:Mind if I cut in? / Oh, yeah. / But I'm also happy to keep dancing with one of them. / No, I meant I could dance with Joan. / Just the ladies get pretty upset if I don't divide my time between them.

Alexis · Dot:Well then I will dance with Dot! / I would rather dance with the Swiffer.

Alexis:Okay, in my defense, I did not know he was a substitute teacher, and basically, nothing happened.

Alexis:It's probably Kelsey, she's such a horse girl.

Alexis:Dad, that's so mean! She doesn't look like a horse, she just talks about them a lot. And smells a bit.

Alexis · Johnny:You keep scratching. [Beat] No, I'm just allergic to the down pillow.

David · Alexis · Moira:Okay, how do I know that she didn't give me her lice? [Alexis: You don't have lice.] Nobody here has lice! No, no, you do! You-you have the lice! Ah! Ughhh!

Alexis:This is the last time I take a pity selfie with Kelsey!

Ted · Alexis:Does she want me to help her? [Alexis: No.] [Long beat]

Alexis:And I was like... Mere-dith, Meredith, there's no reason to be embarrassed, you're still exceptionally attractive, it's just lice, just get the shampoo, and deal with it!

Alexis · Ted:Um, you know that it's me, right? [Ted: Yeah, caught on pretty quick.]

Alexis · Ted:You're the sweetest little vet I've ever met. [Ted: I don't know about little, because I'm benching 225 right now, so it's not really something someone little...]

Alexis:Ted, a bug literally fell out of my head, onto my textbook this morning. It was so disgusting. Plus I didn't want you to picture me like some well-toned bug woman.

Alexis:It reminds me of when I was in Bangkok. There was this amazing little Resto-Lounge that specialized in Tahitian food, and scalp massages.

Alexis:It was a Resto-Lounge.

Alexis · Ted:Speaking of Thailand, I think we've done a few more intimate things than this. [Ted: I meant while they were an employee. Not that I'd do this for anyone else. Because it's actually pretty gross.]

Ted · Alexis:Well, there are some big ones in here. [Alexis: Ewww!] I'm joking, I'm joking. Oh, maybe not. [Alexis: Eww!] Nope, it's fine. It is fine, it's fine. Just the mama, we got her.

Alexis · Johnny · David:I don't think that there are enough apostrophes. [Beat] I don't even see a rose in the garden. [Beat] Because there aren't any roses. [Beat] Or are we the Roses?

Alexis:Those are the last four digits of your father's credit card.

David · Alexis:Um, I hope you got a really good deal on this. [Alexis: It's by the letter, so he paid extra for those apostrophe 'S's.']

Alexis:So when we die, are we all gonna be buried here?

Alexis · Moira · Johnny:Alexis reveals she wasn't in the portrait because she was 'in rehab' — then Moira corrects: 'visiting Stavros,' then Johnny reveals her face was painted onto the assistant's body

Alexis:Alexis: 'Hm. That's why you look so good.' — responding to learning her face was painted on the assistant's body

Alexis · Ted:Alexis avoids checking her grades by avoiding the computer entirely, calling it 'not really an option' for herself

Alexis · Ted:Alexis initially thinks the class averages (60 and 65) are her grades and celebrates them

Ted · Alexis:Ted's awkward 'work-o' exit after the grade celebration — '...will go to get back to... work-o'

Ted · Alexis:Ted and Alexis's 'adult kiss' conversation — rationalized as 'like when your parents kiss their friends on the mouth'

Ted · Alexis:Ted trips/stumbles as he leaves the room, Alexis reacts with 'Watch out! Oh. Oh!'

Ted · Alexis · Moira · Johnny:Ted mentions 'the big news' and Alexis panics, starts to explain 'the hug' — Ted clarifies he meant exam results

Ted · Alexis:Ted's gift to Alexis: a pencil shaped like a twig from the store

Ted · Alexis:Ted gives Alexis 'a little something' for passing her exams — it's a twig. Ted: 'No, it's a pencil shaped like a twig. I got it at the store.'

Alexis · Ted:Alexis's accidental kiss — meant as 'a thank-you adult kiss' — followed by Ted's mortified 'I think maybe we should just avoid kisses for a while. Even adult ones.'

Ted · Alexis:'Adult high five' — Ted and Alexis's final resolution of the adult-kiss situation

Alexis:Alexis proposes an 'adult high five' as their final resolution

Alexis · Johnny · David:Alexis defends the portrait: 'Speak for yourself, I look super cute.' Johnny: 'Okay, that's not actually your body though.' Alexis: 'Okay, but it's my face, David.'

Alexis · Moira:Alexis misinterprets 'I have a favour' as Moira offering to do something for her

Alexis · Moira · David:Alexis reveals her high school graduation is this Friday and she didn't tell her family because she doesn't want them to come

Alexis:Alexis: 'It's bad enough that I have to wear that unflattering black dress and then the hat with the thing on it in front of people that I don't know.'

David · Alexis:David: 'Yeah. I'm very uninterested in that option.' / Alexis: 'As am I.'

Ted · Alexis:Ted: 'Yeah, well, y'know, formal training is usually encouraged.' (responding to Alexis noting applicants went to school 'specifically for vet stuff')

Alexis:Alexis mentions the qualified applicant who went to 'cat camp' dismissively: 'The poor thing went to cat camp.'

Alexis:Alexis: 'Like someone who actually wants to touch animals a lot.'

Alexis:Alexis: '...And some other like gorgeous, slightly under qualified girl is sitting at my desk asking herself the same question.'

Ted · Alexis:Ted: 'Those were genuine laughs?' (re: Alexis saying she came in to laugh at his animal puns)

Alexis · Ted:Alexis announces she has 'graduation tonight' at 11am and negotiates to leave at 4 instead of 5

Alexis · Moira:The entire exchange where Alexis uninvites, then re-invites, then un-invites her mother to the graduation as Moira plays innocent

Alexis:Alexis: 'I'm gonna have to look at those photos before you share them or post them.'

Ted · Alexis:Ted hesitates to leave when the Jazzagals start — 'Oh really? She said extra special. I think we should stay.' Alexis has to drag him out.

David · Alexis:'Happy birthday, David.' / 'Happy graduation, Alexis.' — siblings sharing a quiet moment

Johnny · Moira · David · Alexis:The family attempts 'For He's a Jolly Good Fellow' — with escalating pronoun chaos: 'For she's a jolly good fellow' / 'For they're two jolly good fellows' / 'For graduating today AND being born today'

Alexis:Alexis describes her first day at community college as 'Season five Carrie Bradshaw, super professional and polished, but also chill and flirty in an impossibly expensive sort of way.'

David · Alexis:David's excuse for not taking the garbage out: 'I like, just put something in it that made it full, though.' Then Alexis: 'Yeah, and you're already wearing your little gloves, though.'

David · Alexis:David: 'This is the same college where Malala gave that devastating commencement speech, right?' Alexis: 'I don't know, David, maybe he did.'

Johnny · Alexis:Johnny sits with Alexis for what he thinks is a pregnancy conversation. Alexis: 'Fine, a little nervous.' Johnny: 'Well, that's understandable, comes with the territory.'

Alexis:Alexis: 'I knew this was gonna happen! I knew you were gonna get way too involved in this.'

Johnny · Alexis:Johnny: 'Now... Ted, is he being supportive?' Alexis: 'I haven't even told Ted.' Johnny: 'Oh.'

Alexis · Johnny:Alexis: 'I just wanna do one thing on my own!' Johnny: 'And you're sure this is the right one thing to pick?'

Alexis · Johnny:Alexis: 'I know that! And not to mention, a lot of money. Why do you think I've been saving up my money from the vet's office?' Johnny: 'How long have you known about this?'

Alexis:Alexis: 'You are making way too big a deal of this. If I don't like it, I'll just give it up, and move on!'

Alexis:Alexis arrives at Elmdale College and asks the person outside where the registrar's office is, expecting a 'moss covered building by the lake' like on the brochure.

Alexis · Admissions Worker:Admissions worker reveals the brochure uses stock photos and actually has a watermarked still from 'Dead Poets Society.'

Alexis · Admissions Worker:Alexis: 'I feel like that's false advertising, especially considering what I am paying for these courses.' Worker: 'Yeah, but you get free coffee and doughnuts.' [Beat.] 'Oh, and like, an agenda.' Worker: 'Yeah, it's off by a day. So... I wouldn't use it.'

Alexis · Admissions Worker:Alexis: 'Okay great, I would like a refund, please.' Worker: 'Uh, the problem is, is we don't give refunds.' Alexis: 'Okay, then I guess I would just like my money back, then.' Worker: 'Again, we don't give refunds.'

Alexis · Admissions Worker:Alexis: 'This is the first time that I've ever invested in anything myself, and I thought that was like, the responsible choice, but clearly, this is like, a joke school.' Worker: 'Well, that's why most students do their courses online.'

Alexis · Admissions Worker:Alexis: 'So like, potentially, I could refund my refund request, do all my courses online, and like, never have to ever come back here again?' Worker: 'That's actually how I keep my side hustle going, part time DJ.'

Admissions Worker · Alexis:Worker: 'Here's my card, in case you have any problems, or you wanna go on a date, or something.' Alexis: 'Okay. Well, I won't be doing any of that, but thank you so much.'

Alexis · Johnny · David:Alexis tells Johnny: 'I think I can find a way to make it work.' David assumes she means the pregnancy. Johnny: 'No, that's not what was happening! I-I thought we were talking about something else.' Alexis: 'What else?'

Moira · Alexis:Moira: 'Oh, he thought you were pregnant.' Alexis: 'What? Ew!'

David · Alexis · Moira:David: 'I'm sorry, I was processing Alexis' situation.' Alexis: 'Oh burn, David.' [Moira, about Stevie:] 'A little past curfew.'

Alexis:Love that for him.

Alexis:Canoodling? — reaction beat from Alexis as the word hits her.

Alexis · David · Moira:I can't believe he's still dating Heather. / I know, it's crazy. / I believe that was her name, Heather.

David · Alexis:Ok, um, but you're in like a day dress. / Mhmm, I am.

Alexis:Alexis announcing 'I am going for a jog' while wearing a day dress

Alexis · Twyla:You do this every night you go out? / I do this every night.

Alexis · Moira:Okay, can we help you with something? / Oh, I'm sorry, can't a mother show a little interest in her only daughter's social calendar?

Alexis:Okay, I know what our car looks like, but thank you.

Moira · Alexis:John Cougar... / No. / Mellencamp. / But guess who drove me home that night? / Mr. Rose. / Yes, you're right.

Moira · Alexis:And that car ride was better than any dark corner dalliance with JCM. / Ew.

Moira · Alexis:Alexis! You're wrinkled in the back. / Ooh? What? / Confidence, girls!

Twyla · Alexis:So, I don't think I'm gonna need a ride home tonight. / Oh my God, that's so great! / Because I think I'm going home with a guy.

Alexis:So important.

Alexis · Moira:Hey. You were in the bar? How did I not see you? / I... I wanted to wait for you, but I got bored in the car.

Moira · Alexis:Well, I... I didn't want to say this in front of Twyla but... there was a reason I drew Mr. Cougar Mellencamp into that dark corner of the bar instead of your father. / I don't need to know how this story ends, so...

Alexis:Well, that's very cute for you, but I don't know what that has to do with me.

Alexis · Moira:I'm driving? / That's a good idea!

Alexis · David:Alexis tweeted 'Goodbye to a great actress' with a cool sunglasses emoji, and defends it: 'I'm wearing sunglasses because I'm in mourning, David.'

Alexis · David:David and Alexis define their buying trip partnership: 'You do the talking, and I sample the merchandise.'

David · Alexis:David corrects Alexis on the Mennonite women at the farm stand: 'They were Mennonites.' Alexis called them 'old farm witches.'

Alexis · David:Alexis: 'Nom nom for us, David.' David: 'Never say nom nom, again.'

David · Alexis:David explains the cheese vendor is very exclusive: 'Everyone's trying to get their greasy hands on her cheese.' Alexis: 'Ew, David.'

Alexis · David:Alexis discovers the cheese vendor is 'Heather, Heather — like, Ted's Heather.' David: 'What? She's like 50.' Alexis: '0 She's 42, and I know!'

David · Alexis:David tells Alexis to get out of the car. She says walking home would take 15 minutes and 'that's absolutely not happening.' David then suggests she stay in the car 'with the windows down.' Alexis: 'Stop it, David, I'm not a baby.'

David · Alexis · Heather:David introduces Alexis to Heather at the cheese farm: 'This is my sister.' Heather: 'Oh! I thought you had a male business partner.' David: 'Oh, I do. She is an intern.'

Alexis:Alexis covers for being called David's intern: 'In training to be CEO of executive buying so...'

Alexis:Alexis declares she 'normally doesn't like blue cheese in my mouth, but that was very... not bad.'

Alexis:I just happened to eat one of those pieces of blue cheese, and normally I don't like blue cheese in my mouth, but that was very... not bad.

Heather · David · Alexis:Heather invites them to stay for lunch and mentions 'I hope you don't mind if my boyfriend joins us?' — cut to David and Alexis's reactions.

David · Alexis:David, in full panic, says to Alexis: 'Get in the car!' — immediately corrected to 'Not an imposition at all!' when Heather looks at him.

Ted · Heather · Alexis:Ted to Heather's client: 'She used to be my receptionist.' Heather: 'That's how I know your voice — you answered the phones at the vet's clinic.' Alexis: 'Yes! Well, I mean, like technically I had more responsibility than just answering the phones but...'

Alexis:Yes! Well, I mean, like technically I had more responsibility than just answering the phones but...

Heather · Alexis:Heather thanks Alexis for passing along messages to Ted, saying 'Look what happened' — meaning their relationship. Alexis has to smile through this.

Alexis · Heather:Alexis leverages the moment: 'Well, if you are looking for a way to thank me, I know that David is looking for exclusivity on your products.' Heather: 'Ooh, she is good.'

Alexis · Heather:Well, if you are looking for a way to thank me, I know that David is looking for exclusivity on your products. / Ooh, she is good.

Alexis:Alexis, watching Ted settle into domestic happiness with Heather: 'I'm just glad Ted's found someone so stable and healthy.'

David · Alexis:David asks: 'You're in love with him, aren't you?' Alexis: 'Yes.' Then a long pause. 'Yup.'

Alexis:Alexis: 'Oh my God! As if this day couldn't get any worse.' / 'Cuppy the Kitten's dead.' / 'He stepped on her? Weren't they best friends?'

Alexis:Alexis's final judgment on the situation: 'Honestly, what kind of kitten befriends a giraffe?'

Alexis · Johnny · Stevie:This place needs a tonne of work, like top to tail. / I think what you mean to say is proposed improvements? / No, I mean like full-blown things that need fixing.

Johnny · Alexis:Those cards are written by embittered people with way too much time on their hands. / A lot of these are from Mom.

Stevie · Alexis · Johnny:We have a website. / No. I looked it up, and it's just like a cartoon of a construction worker holding a sign that says 'we'll be right back'. / It's under construction.

Alexis · Stevie:The phone booking system is confusing, and the woman's voice was aggressive and off-putting. / I had strep at the time.

Alexis:I actually prefer to be called a freelance brand invigorator.

Alexis · Johnny · Stevie:Step 1 of the plan was this presentation, and we nailed it. So, as your new VP of Marketing and Communications, I'd say we're off to a great start. / Yeah. / I'll pass.

Alexis:Yes, uh, Stevie, Mr. Rose, the motivation here is two small-town friends welcoming guests to their humble motel.

Johnny · Alexis · Ray:Oh, should I be holding a key? / No, Mr. Rose, unless you wanna look really, really corny. / Yeah, like really, really cheesy, and off-brand.

Alexis · Johnny:If the camera was your guest, how would you greet her? / I don't know. / Um, welcome to the Schitt's Creek Motel. I'm Johnny Rose. / Um, yes, but no, don't use your mouth. / What the fuck does that mean?

Alexis · Johnny:Okay, Johnny, what are we doing with our hands? / Alexis, I don't love you calling me Johnny.

Alexis · Johnny:Mr. Rose, would you mind taking one step to your left? / [pause] Okay now, three more steps to your left.

Alexis:Pretty country girl who doesn't care about big city things like... dressing well, or how she looks.

Alexis · Stevie:We could rename the motel like, Stevie's Place. / Stevie's Place sounds like a shelter for battered men.

Alexis:we could use your last name, and call it the Budd Inn. / And now that I'm saying that out loud, obviously we're not gonna do that.

Johnny · Ray · Alexis:Solo? / Don't take it personally, Mr. Rose, it's probably because you didn't know what to do with your hands. Or maybe it's because your face looked like it tasted something sour. Or maybe... / Thank you, Ray, I get it.

Alexis:Okay, Stevie, you need more confidence, because this is all you. / Like literally anything.

Stevie · Alexis:Okay, I'm gonna need a minute. / We didn't budget for that, but sure.

Alexis:I'm playing around with Ray, we took some shots with my hands outta my pockets, and he thinks with a little Photoshopping, they may turn out okay.

Alexis:Okay, Stevie, as VP, and CEO of In-House publicity, growing the business is generally considered to be a good thing.

Alexis:Johnny's looking half-normal.

Alexis:Also, I didn't know that.

Stevie · Johnny · Alexis:Can we have breakfast now? / Yeah, let's celebrate. Come on! / Oh, um, not to brag, but this re-brand got me 77% on my final marketing exam.

Stevie · Alexis:So David's at work and you had nobody else to talk to? / What? / That's...

Alexis · Stevie:It's a tactic, Stevie. You send someone a random text message to get their attention, and then the next thing you know, you're talking again. / Who would do that? / I've done that. Like a lot. / I did it last week.

Alexis:I used to text Zac Efron just like a question mark whenever I wanted a booty call. Poor thing would be like buzzing my apartment before I even pressed send.

Alexis:You're like super smart, and pretty in like a... breezy, non-threatening sort of way.

Alexis · Ted:Alexis and Ted's entire awkward scene where neither can admit they texted intentionally

Ted · Alexis:What, uh, what'd it say? / Nothing. I don't think it said anything, now that I think about it.

Alexis · Ted:Hello dummy, why do you think I'm here? I'm here to tell you to be careful because with those texts, those texts in the wrong hands... / Yeah, it was actually meant for Heather.

Alexis · Ted:Uh no, I should get outta your hair. But it was good to see you, Mr. Bagel. / That's a you-and-Heather thing, but now that you texted me, it's kind of like an all-of-us thing.

Alexis:We can be each other's little... little daties.

Alexis · David:Wait, Patrick is your fiancé? / Uh, I'm sorry you have a fiancée?

Alexis · Patrick · Rachel:Patrick? / Rachel, what are you doing here? / What are you doing here? I've been texting you for 2 days.

Alexis:Okay, don't get me wrong, I feel super bad, and partially responsible because I invited Rachel to the barbecue, but at the same time, he's been watching that show for 3 hours and my phone's in there.

Johnny · Alexis:Well, you might have to go one night without your phone, Alexis. / Ugh!

Johnny · Alexis:Well, you might have to go one night without your phone, Alexis. / Ugh!

Alexis:It's an online social hub for rural singles, if you must know, David.

David · Alexis:Well, why does it say Alexis you have a new match? / Research. I was testing the water for her, David. Poor thing's clueless.

David · Alexis:Why is he shirtless with an armful of puppies? / Oh my god, we matched? / His nipples are out.

Alexis:Ted can't know about this, David. Miguel's the only other vet in town, and they have this like dumb rivalry.

Alexis:This is different. I no longer need backstage passes to the Teen Choice Awards.

Alexis:I swiped right, obviously. Like look at him, David. I didn't actually expect we'd match.

Alexis · David:He's the only attractive person on here, David, what did you want me to do? / Well, then go on a date with him.

Alexis:It's Bumpkin with a wink emoji.

Alexis · David:He messaged me again. He actually sounds kind of chill, David. / What did he say? / Sup?

Twyla · Alexis:Miguel looks so strong holding all those puppies. / Maybe I should get into online dating? / Oh, I'm not into online dating, I'm just showing David how it works.

Alexis:It's just that there are like ten guys on here, and three of them are Ray.

Alexis · Miguel:I didn't recognize you without your nipples. / Huh? / The puppies... the um, the cute little puppies that you love to photograph yourself with.

Miguel · Alexis:Brought the nipples. / Oh good. / Not about the nipples, um, about the puppies.

Alexis · Miguel:Uh, they serve champagne here? / I believe it's called Zhampagne, it's from the very famous Zhampagne region of France.

Alexis · Miguel:I used to date Ted. / I'm sorry? / Ted Mullins? He's the veterinarian.

Miguel · Alexis:Wait, weren't you his receptionist? / Executive Assistant. And yes, but only for like a minute.

Miguel · Alexis:But you guys were engaged? / Um, very briefly. / Uh-huh. / And just twice.

Miguel · Alexis:It just feels... wrong. / Okay, that is what I've been saying, to literally everyone.

Miguel · Alexis:What, you've been telling people about this? / No. Some people. Just close friends.

Miguel · Alexis:I don't think I can do this. / Okay, just to be clear, I couldn't do this first.

Johnny · Alexis:Well, honey, I don't think you should let one embarrassing encounter color your experience, on Bumper. / Bump-kin.

Johnny · Alexis:So you upload your photo, and the Bumpkin sends it to local singles. / It's not called The Bumpkin.

Alexis · Johnny:'Looking for a hook-up.' / Well, that sounds promising, Alexis, he's open for hooking up for dinner, or drinks.

Moira · Alexis:Oh, Alexis, look, you've just Bumpkined with Jebediah. / What? Ew!

Moira · Alexis · Johnny:And now we're back to Ray. / Ew! / How did Ray get such a beautiful bathroom?

Moira · Alexis:Moira presents Alexis's college certificate — but the name is struck through due to low toner, calling back to the orthodontist certificate

Alexis:Yes, except my orthodontist had a slightly better printer.

Alexis:I'm sorry, did David spend four months earning a degree?

Moira · Alexis:Pubic relations.

Alexis · Johnny:I wanted to frame this! [holds up the 'Pubic Relations' certificate] It looks good!

Alexis:Okay, um, it's a singles night at the café. And the goal is, um, to get people from nearby communities together, for like romance and nibblies.

Alexis:And a few pages of temporary letterhead. And um, a list of Buzzfeed's most motivational quotes for girl bosses under 30.

Alexis:Did someone mention the posture thing? What? What is the utility shirts?

Alexis:Here's the thing you should know about my Dad, sweetest little guy, gives the worst gifts. Like he built David a basketball court for his Bar Mitzvah.

Alexis:David forced us to watch him shoot at a basket for 10 minutes, until the ball hit the rim, and then bounced back in his face. But it actually worked out perfectly, because all David really wanted for his Bar Mitzvah, was a nose job. They took the court down the next day.

Alexis · Stevie:Oh, and also, he gave me a diamond tennis bracelet for my Sweet 16. That's bad. I know.

Moira · Alexis:Hmm, well we landed on a one-of-a-kind event to celebrate and... congregate those who happen to be unattached, uh, in the hopes of facilitating interpersonal connections. Sorry, so like, a singles event, then?

Alexis:So you stole my idea, took it to Council, and claimed it as your own?

Moira · Alexis:Singles Week just happened to be the idea that received a lot of traction. Singles Week? I was pitching a Singles Night.

Moira · Alexis:No, that was merely an example... No, no, no, you specifically referenced a small shire in Scotland... Ireland! ... that had a very lucrative week-long singles event. No, that is where I got the idea for singles night. I was proposing like, a matchmaking event at the café.

Alexis · Moira:I don't know who that is. Oh my god.

Alexis:Alexis's 'Lonely Hearts Special' — 50% discount for singles dining alone

Ted · Alexis:Ted gently walking Alexis to the correct idea: discount for two singles eating together

Klaire · Alexis:'Albany literally makes me wanna kill myself.' / 'I'm her best friend.'

Klaire · Alexis:Klaire waves away the not-so-hot water she ordered: 'Sweetie, no, I didn't order that.'

Alexis:See you tonight, babe. See you tonight, babe. Hm. Hm. Albany, I was sitting there!

Alexis:Alexis's excited 'Hey, pack your bags, bitch! You're getting' out!' after receiving the job offer

Klaire · Alexis:So like, she's telling me that she's going to Mexico, and I'm like, if you're not going to Tulum, then like where the hell are you even going? / So where is she going? / Ugh, god. Cabo. / Oh my god, poor thing.

Klaire · Alexis:Klaire doesn't remember offering Alexis the job — 'I'm sorry, reset. What are we talking about?'

Alexis:Alexis's final quiet 'It won't' — committing to Schitt's Creek after Klaire's hollow 'we can't let this happen again'

Alexis:It's just that we don't want people adopting sad dogs... we want the puppies to be happy, and fun, and flirty.

Alexis:Hmm. Wow, love that for her.

Alexis:And oh, for those of you asking about the t-shirts, yes, they are supposed to be tight. This is Singles Week, everyone is fair game.

Mutt · Alexis:I asked a friend of mine to keep an eye on it while I was away, and musta slipped her mind. / It didn't slip my mind, I just like, didn't go.

Alexis:Mutt, you're making me feel partially responsible.

Alexis:What's happened since you and Tallahassee left on your pine-cone journey?

Alexis:Speaking of showers — Ugh! No!

Alexis:Ugh, fine. Um, no. Uh... fine. No. Okay, but um, like just one.

Alexis · Ted:Hi. / Hi. / How long have you been standing there? / Um, long enough. / Yeah, I was just giving them a little pup talk.

Alexis:this is like a very cute look for me.

Alexis · Ted:Um, but maybe I could take a puppy home for the night. / You know I can't let you do that. / Yeah, no. That's no problem.

Alexis:Um, I was just thinking if there was like, a particularly runty one, like Cindy, or like, no, no. That's okay.

Alexis:Okay, well, this is going to be a very successful event. Like, really great.

Alexis:Mkay, I'm co-chair, and I'm wearing my t-shirt.

Moira · Alexis:Do you remember the last time you and I chaired an event? The Teenage Rosacea Ball at the St. Regis? / That was 15 years ago!

Moira · Alexis:I'm about to swing by Jocelyn's and get the locks and keys for this morning's event. / You still haven't picked up the locks and keys?

Moira · Alexis:Jocelyn is in labor! / Oh my God! / I know it's no one's fault.

Alexis · Moira:Wait, Jocelyn's driving? / Yes, Alexis! She insisted! My nerves are fried!

Alexis · Reporter:Okay, just triple checking, because the website acts as a directory. / And a message board, we know.

Alexis:Hey, singles, I'm Alexis Rose, and I, like all of you, am single.

Alexis:Now, I used to think that my one special lock needed to be like super aggressive, and come from a long line of Adriatic royalty, or have a beard, and be really into the woods.

Alexis:Then I realized that sometimes, a special little lock can come along, that you didn't think would fit because it didn't look, or act, like the lock you thought you needed. So instead of actually giving it a real chance, you throw it away because it was too nice. And it liked you too much, and cared.

Alexis:Hey, it's musical chairs. It's a simple concept. Ugh! Keep moving! People are clustering, and you don't want that!

Alexis:Um, actually you may not be able to tell by the way those two are gazing into each other's eyes, they actually work for rival newspapers.

Alexis:Um, actually you may not be able to tell by the way those two are gazing into each other's eyes, they actually work for rival newspapers.

Moira · Alexis:Seems there's a lot more of me in you, than I give you credit for. / Lucky me.

Moira · Alexis:I'll take it from here. / I thought you were just apologizing for underestimating me? / You can't play the game with a clipboard in your hand. Go on.

Ted · Alexis:Hi. / Apparently I only have two minutes, so I'm gonna make this quick. / Hi. / I'm Ted, I'm newly single.

Ted · Alexis:And I'd be kidding myself if I told you that I haven't wanted to do this every single day for the last two years. / Do what?

Alexis:Oh! Oh, no, no thank you. [Alexis reacts to being kissed in front of the assembled singles]

Alexis:Oh, okay, re the guest list, um, unfortunately, Ted and I will be unable to attend.

Alexis · Ted:Look at you in that flouncy apron, you little Christmas Elf! / I'm gonna take that as a compliment, even though everything inside me's telling me that it's not.

Alexis:I basically did exactly the same thing with my friends once. But instead of cookies, it was whatever we could find in our parents' medicine cabinets, and instead of a Christmas party, it was an old boot factory in Krakow.

Ted · Alexis:Well, I did get up at the Krak-ow dawn, so that Alexis could bake these cookies. / Alexis didn't bake these cookies, though. / Yeah, no, I know, I just thought that we would say that you did.

Alexis · Ted:It did take a bit of convincing, after the called-off engagement... s. / But, they have all agreed to give you one last chance. / What? / I shouldn't have said one last chance, I just meant like, one... more... final chance. / I-I'm making this sound worse than it is.

Johnny · Alexis:Why would anybody give it to you? / You were in charge of making it! / Making it? I thought you wanted me to handle it? / Like, work the door, make sure nobody gets in that isn't on the list! / It's Christmas Eve, Alexis! Who's going out crashing other people's Christmas parties?

Johnny · Alexis · Ted:Alexis, I thought we agreed that you and Ted would be coming here tonight? / I know, but Ted's friends are having a thing, and everyone low-key hates me. / Uh, hate is a strong word.

Alexis · Johnny:And I'll put the Jerry beads on the tree. / We're not putting Mardi Gras beads on a Christmas tree, Alexis!

Alexis:And um, just a heads up, Ted's vet friends are coming by later, and I have a sneaking suspicion they're a little bit... / But, hmm.

Alexis · Johnny:Stickers! / Of old men! / No, they're stamps, from all over the world.

Johnny · Stevie · David · Alexis:Johnny fumbles with the phone trying to figure out how to put Moira on speaker while the family shouts at him

Moira · David · Alexis:Moira mistakes David's voice for Alexis's and asks if Alexis has strep again

Moira · Alexis · David:Moira: 'Oh Alexis, do you have strep again?' / 'That was David!'

David · Alexis:David: 'Your natural deodorant isn't working.' (said immediately when Alexis calls him over privately)

Alexis · David:Alexis reveals she was worried because of David's score on 'How Electric is your Relationship' quiz from M'Lady Magazine, summer 1991

Alexis:Alexis: 'This garbage quiz that it looks like you took more than once.'

Alexis:Alexis: 'You're dating a vet who irons his polo shirts.'

Alexis:Alexis: 'Um, Ted and I got "Electrical Storm." So.'

Alexis:Alexis to David in a safety helmet: 'David, you look so cute under there! Like a tiny toadstool man, or a little acorn person, or something.'

David · Patrick · Alexis · Ted:David gets on the ropes course, immediately freezes, and we see him stuck — everyone watching below

Alexis:Alexis reveals David was broken up with while parasailing in the Seychelles, stuck up there with Anderson Cooper for three hours until the wind died down

Alexis:Alexis: 'I totally forgot! Argh! I'm sorry, David!' — having just revealed the Anderson Cooper story that she organized this entire trip forgetting about

David · Patrick · Alexis · Ted:David: 'I'm sorry, you were right, the quiz was rigged.' / 'What?! What quiz?'

Alexis:Alexis: 'David, I lied! I took the quiz like, 15 times. "In Need of a Generator" is like, the only answer you can get.'

Moira · David · Alexis:Ooh, frisky, John. / Oh! Bye! / Ewww! / Ugh!

Moira · Alexis:I'm sure there's a logical explanation for all of this. / Sure there is. / Yes. Some of them! Some of them are even funny!

Moira · Alexis:Why are you making me read this? / Before your father met me, he was not quite so selective.

Alexis:Okay, I would like to remind you that I don't have a therapist anymore.

Alexis:Look at you all dressed up, Mr. Sporty Spice.

Alexis:Tell that to me at 21, escaping the yakuza.

Alexis:Like, other than reading some very porny love letters that someone sent my dad, sure.

Ted · Alexis:I've held on to some things. / Oh my God, should I be worried? / Well, I, I did keep this waterproof watch that Heather gave me.

Alexis · Ted:Like... that empty book that you gave me. / The journal? / Yes! The journal. And very likely some jewelry.

Ted · Alexis:Like a ring, or... / A locket? / Yes. The locket you gave me. I kept that the most.

Ted · Alexis:Oh yeah, it's just funny, I don't think I've ever seen you wear it. / I'm just so scared of losing it.

Ted · Alexis:You've never written in a journal, have you? / No, but um, one time I did do a book report on David's diary, and it was very dark. Okay.

Alexis:Hey, Twy? I've always admired your jewelry game. You just like, pick a few pieces, and just and wear them to death.

Alexis · Twyla:I wish I had someone in this town to swap with. / Yeah, I used to think that a lot growing up, when I'd see other kids with their families.

Alexis:I actually got this in a swap with Sienna Miller. / And by that I mean it fell off her wrist at a Halloween party, and I kept it.

Ted · Alexis:I uh, see you're wearing the locket. / Oh! I don't know, am I? / Oh, right.

Ted · Alexis:Now, this appears to be a photo of Twyla? / Yes... I put that there. Because Twyla is an important friend. / And Twyla's mom? / Is her important friend.

Alexis:But the necklace just kept reminding me of all the bad things that I'd done, and then Twyla gave me a Christmas gift, and I didn't have anything to give her...

Ted · Alexis:Yeah, after the breakup, I uh... well, I took some of your stuff to the incinerator, along with some pets that needed to be cremated. / Ew. / And you think you feel bad? / The wallet that you gave me was still in there, and I had forgotten to take some of the cards out, and I was actually only one stamp away from a free sub, so.

Alexis:Okay well, if it makes you feel any better, that was David's wallet.

John · Alexis:And what exactly did you get out of this fun swap? / I got Twyla's step-brother's dog tags. And a whistle.

Alexis:I got Twyla's step-brother's dog tags. And a whistle.

Alexis:Alexis calls the motel briefing 'my office' with complete sincerity

Johnny · Alexis:Johnny: 'I'd go out on a limb and say all of our guests are very important, Alexis.' Alexis: 'That's cute.'

Alexis:Alexis casually reveals she was once paid to promote Heartblaster Energy Drink at a Third Eye Blind concert as her way of explaining she understands 'plant' marketing

Roland · Johnny · Alexis · Stevie:Roland volunteers to lie about how great the motel is for pay, Johnny says 'Do we need Roland?', then Alexis immediately uses Roland as the plant anyway but as 'Guest Services Liaison'

Alexis · Stevie:Alexis tells Stevie she 'looks like someone who just wandered in off the road' as a compliment for being a convincing motel guest plant

Johnny · Alexis:Johnny insists Alexis stop calling him 'Johnny' because it's unprofessional — then reveals he IS already the Manager

Alexis · Johnny:Alexis tells Johnny he 'should probably start getting into character' as the Manager, then immediately ends the meeting

Alexis · David:Alexis warns David his 'vibe can be a bit intense' for the V-VIP guest, suggesting he stay at Patrick's

Alexis · David:David mentions Patrick texted him an apartment address; Alexis: 'Did I leave a Q-tip in, or did you just tell me you guys are getting an apartment together?'

David · Alexis:David: 'Hey, we're just going to look.' Alexis: 'Yeah, and Adam Levine and I just went for bubble tea.'

Alexis:Alexis preemptively names David's suspicion that she wants to expand her home office, then clarifies she wasn't thinking that — ending with 'Also, do you have like a timeframe as to when that might happen?'

Alexis:Alexis: 'What are you doing, buying a wedding dress?' in response to $40 request

Alexis · Roland · Stevie:Alexis objects to Stevie going to lunch with a 'strange man' — Roland cheerfully volunteers to 'tap in' — then Stevie escalates her request from $40 to $50 ('I also need shampoo')

Alexis · Johnny:Alexis shows the group the Rosebud Motel review. Johnny, reading aloud: 'In fact, Johnny Rose and his Guest Services Manager will go almost too far out of their way to ensure a pleasant stay.' Alexis: 'How do I sign up for this turndown service? Is there a clipboard or something?'

Alexis:Alexis asks to keep the package because she signed for it, then asks what it is

Alexis:I once passed off a mini horse and three Guinea pigs as service animals, so anything is possible.

Alexis:You know who's not sweet? Old Shan out there.

Alexis:I'm just gonna say it, Ted. Most people are a fan. So when someone's not, it's usually on them.

Alexis:Yes you did, you little smooch monster!

Ted · Alexis:Well, we did a lot more than that. / I'm sorry, should I be jealous?

Alexis:Beep, beep! Paging Dr. Casanova J. Heartbreaker.

Ted · Alexis:Yeah, it's funny because I actually am a doctor. / So am I... / No, you're not. Just-just Ted.

Alexis:Can I get a 'hell yeah' for two hard-working women in the 21st Century?

Alexis:Ted told me all about your little... Mmm! Muah! Muah! And it's like... not a big deal.

Alexis:Did you tell him that after he told you that? [Shannon reveals she also told Ted they should be 'just friends']

Alexis:Look, I don't know about you, Shannon, but I am so glad we did this. Had I not talked to her, I never would've found out that she called it off.

Alexis:Okay, not to interject, but I assumed that this would play out in a much more interesting way. So for the sake of time, I'm just gonna go with Shannon's version of things.

Alexis:Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh! Okay.

Alexis · Ted:'Cool!' Exclamation mark. / And it looks like you ended up walking her dog for her? / Well, she seemed really upset.

Alexis:I've gone through enough heartbreakers for like, two people's lifetimes. And I don't want that anymore. I want you. And that cute lil' butt.

Alexis · Moira · Johnny:And those are the shoes we're going with? / What do you think? / No. / Shoes, later. As well as jewels. / What?!

Jocelyn · Alexis:Remember that time that you told me you'd be there for me if I ever needed you? / I don't think that was me.

Alexis:Seriously. A nighttime couples massage, what is this, 1985?!

Ted · Alexis:Honey, I'm home. / Oh, shouldn't I be the one saying that?

Ted · Alexis:Except it's Neuterpalooza week at work, and I still have two days of spaying and neutering ahead of me. / Let's stop saying 'neutering', 'cause it's killing my buzz!

Alexis:My best friend, Summer, used to date Hef in high school, which isn't as weird as it sounds, 'cause he was like, a very young 77.

Alexis · Ted:Babe, did you rig this? / Maybe I did, and maybe I did!

Patrick · Alexis · Ted:That's offensive. / Okay, anyway, re-spin! / Yeah, it actually looks like it sorta landed between two people. / No, no, no, no! I know exactly who it landed on.

Alexis · Patrick · David:Mmm, was it the time you kissed my boyfriend? Or... was it the time you kissed my boyfriend? / I think it was the time you kissed her boyfriend.

David · Patrick · Alexis · David:Okay, is that what needs to happen to clear the air here? You guys need to kiss? / David, let's not be dramatic. / Yeah, maybe it does. / Well, by all means.

Alexis · David:Ahem! I'm just gonna take the garbage out. / Okay. / Yeah, and if I don't come back, it's probably because I've run off with Ted.

Alexis · David:Thanks for the heads up. / We're just gonna go for a ride, see where it takes us. / Maybe start a vet clinic somewhere along the way. He'll heal the animals back to health, I'll... offer grooming services.

Ted · Alexis:That was fun. / Yes. / That was really fun. Did you have fun? / Yes, Ted.

Ted · Alexis:That's good, it's good that everyone had fun. / Okay, you still have your slippers on. / Yeah, I know, sometimes my feet get really cold when I drink too much. / It's not a thing.

Ted · Alexis:Yeah, I know, sometimes my feet get really cold when I drink too much. / It's not a thing.

Alexis · Ted:You kissed my brother tonight, I'm not kissing you after you kissed my brother. / Pffft! Who kissed your brother?

Alexis · Ted:Okay, it's time for 'Fun Ted' to just pass out. / No, he's not even tired. In fact, if anything, I'd say he's only becoming more fun.

Ted · Alexis:But first just give your brother a kiss. / Ew, Ted, Ew! / Come on. / Ew! Ew! Ew! Ew! Ew! Ew! Ew! That's you.

David · Alexis:So what exactly am I paying you for, then? / I'm your brand consultant, David. I'm consulting with you on which template to use.

David · Alexis:Sorry, I'm just distracted, there's a guy over there currently flirting with my boyfriend. / Poor thing. / I know. / No, I meant you, David.

Alexis:Um... score, Patrick! Look at you, just drowning in other people's phone numbers. Who was that hunk with the teeny-weeny little polo?

Alexis:Just when I thought it was impossible to find a thirty-something named Ken!

Alexis:And he like... gave it to you in front of David, so clearly no threat there.

Patrick · Alexis:You know, just last week, a woman came in and gave me her number. / Do you mean the woman who wanted to know when the soap would be back in stock? Who came in here with her husband and kids?

David · Alexis:He has plans with someone else. / Who? / Okay, can you utilize like, a little bit more of the English language?

Alexis:Every time I did that with a boyfriend, I'd send them off with someone who like, wasn't a threat. Like, Pippa Middleton, or Rihanna.

Alexis · David:So what are the GRs? / The what? / The ground rules. What ground rules did you lay down before you sent him off with that hottie-boom-bottie?

Alexis:Josh Groban has a thick, leather-bound binder full of them.

Alexis:Hey Ted, I'll be there soon, but I just can't leave David alone right now. Yeah, no, apparently they left for dinner at seven. Radio silence. Nothing, not a word.

Alexis:Oh my God, imagine? Muah! Muah!

Alexis · David:This is not how I wanted to spend my night. / Me neither.

Alexis:David, I know what you're thinking, they're probably back at his house, listening to Frank Ocean, laughing, and re-hydrating.

Alexis:if a cute guy that walks into your store is enough to unravel your whole relationship, you're better off knowing that now, than in a year from now.

Patrick · David · Alexis:I couldn't do it. / I don't think I ever said 'date'. / Was it the lack of ground rules?

Alexis · David:Okay, this is a really long hug now. / Just need one more minute, mhmm.

Alexis · David:Okay, this is a really long hug now. / Just need one more minute, mhmm.

Alexis:'Whisper of des...' Oh my God! Please never use that phrase like, ever again.

Alexis · Stevie:Psh! Shh! Wait! Do you hear that? / What? / It's like a... faint whisper of desire.

Stevie · Alexis:That was a good one. / Thanks! Oh boy. Don't do that.

Alexis · Johnny:Um Dad, if you do have too much work this afternoon... / Well, we're in it now, Alexis.

Cheryl · Alexis · Ted:I've fallen for my Zumba instructor. / Bill? / Bill. / Well, Bill's great! Does this mean that I get his gym discount? / It does! / Awww!

Cheryl · Johnny · Alexis:You know, you remind me of my older brother. / Hey, maybe I should start calling you 'Uncle Johnny,' then, huh? / Oh, ha ha ha. / No. Nope. Nope.

Alexis · Johnny:I'm just worried about what that young, hot young Zumba instructor is gonna do when he finds out that Cheryl has a huge crush on you. / Okay, Alexis. But you bought into it for a second there.

David · Alexis · Johnny:The Crows movie secret: David immediately told everyone how the movie ended despite being sworn to secrecy — 'You told me the day you got home. You gave me the script.'

Alexis:'Crowpocalypse. But you didn't hear it from me.' — Alexis reveals the Crows movie ending she was sworn to keep secret.

Alexis:Alexis: 'You're looking especially fresh and photogenic today, Mother.' — setting up a pitch

Alexis:Alexis cuts off Moira's medical trial pitch with: 'Or, you could make $2,000 in one afternoon.' — pivot to the fan convention

Alexis:Alexis: 'You did a commercial for adult diapers! In Japan! In full-face Kabuki makeup!'

David · Johnny · Alexis:David: 'They call the store all the time! I mean, what do they think, I'm just his business partner?!' — Johnny and Alexis: 'Possibly.' / 'I mean, yeah.'

David · Alexis:David: 'Everybody calm down! Nobody say a word to anybody!' — Alexis: 'Well, that sounds reasonable.' — David: 'What did I just say?!'

Hailey · Alexis:Convention prep: 'Now, if they ask for pictures of your feet...' Alexis: 'Hailey, you have been more than helpful.'

Alexis · Moira:Alexis: 'You took me to the Playboy Mansion when I was seven.' Moira: 'And you had a wonderful time in the children's grotto.'

Alexis · Gloria:Alexis introduces herself: 'I am Alexis Rose, Moira's publicist and daughter.' Gloria: 'Oh! Daughter? More like sister.' Alexis: 'Ew.'

Alexis:Alexis: 'We used to use that for sangria, because it was like, so cheap, and... so good.'

Alexis:Convention rules: 'It's 30 seconds each, tickets in hand, or it's back of the line, and no, she will not be clarifying any Sunrise Bay plot points.'

David · Alexis:David: 'Why did Patrick have to book today of all days for his tax seminar? Like who voluntarily goes to a tax seminar?' Alexis: 'Maybe the kinds of people who want to keep their businesses?'

David · Alexis:David giving Alexis an elaborate set of instructions just to receive a package, including 'unless there's an emergency. And then immediately call—' before Alexis cuts him off knowing he means Patrick

David · Alexis:The Tamagotchi argument: 'You left me with six of them, David. Taking care of that many is like a full-time job!' — 'I left you with six adult Tamagotchis in perfect health!'

Alexis · Ted:Alexis sarcastically telling an unseen customer 'Sorry, we're closed' — the 'customer' turns out to be Alexis's boyfriend Ted

Ted · Alexis:Ted arriving as a 'delivery man' bringing Alexis gifts he bought at the flea market — beginning an elaborate delivery man roleplay

Ted · Alexis:Alexis, still in character: 'Now, if only you had that much respect for my time. I've been waiting here forever.' Ted: 'Sorry that I'm late... my... grandmother passed this morning.'

Ted · Alexis:Ted and Alexis's post-coital scene in David's store: 'Whoa! That was...' 'I know, like they're good, but that was like...' 'You pulled some new tricks out.' 'New to you.'

Ted · Alexis:Ted: 'Anyway, David should leave you in charge of the store more often.' Alexis: 'Um... Ted, the door was unlocked the entire time!'

Ted · Alexis:Ted and Alexis pretending there was a delivery man who broke the sink — Ted inventing increasingly implausible details about 'the scanner thing'

Ted · Alexis:Ted: 'I guess I left my clipboard... and scanner thing somewhere, so.' Alexis: 'Do you think it might be in David's new bathroom? Apparently it's just for customers, but he never lets anyone use it.' Ted: 'I remember now, I definitely left my scanner thing in there.'

Ted · Alexis:Alexis suggests going to 'find the scanner thing'; Ted asks to drop the bit because 'it's kinda throwing me off'

Alexis:Alexis's cover story to David: 'The delivery man came in, used the bathroom, somehow broke the sink, and then left without delivering the package.'

Alexis · David:David pressing Alexis on the cover story: 'He felt drunk because he knocked over a lot of things.' Alexis: 'Um, no... Well, you were here for part of it.' 'Right, but I got here late... my grandmother passed away.' David: 'Oh God!' Alexis: 'A few years ago. And it's just been real tough to get over.'

Alexis:I think he meant, like, sorry I missed you. Because I was here the entire time. And I actually think that he was like a little bit drunk, because he knocked over a lot of things.

Alexis:Alexis: 'Honestly, I don't think you wanna do that.' [referencing the security footage]

Alexis · David:Alexis: 'You can take the money for the sink out of what you were going to pay me for today.' David: 'I wasn't planning on paying you anything. Get out!'

Moira · Alexis · Johnny:Not one of you knows how the 'Crows' movie ends. / You told me the day you got home. / You gave me the script.

Alexis · Moira:How did it end again? Like, a crowmageddon? / Crowpocalypse. But you didn't hear it from me.

Alexis · Moira:You're looking especially fresh and photogenic today, Mother. / Why thank you, Alexis. Perhaps it's my excellent news.

Alexis:Or, you could make $2,000 in one afternoon.

Alexis · Moira:You did a commercial for adult diapers! / In Japan! In full-face Kabuki makeup!

Moira · Alexis:Hailey, you have been more than helpful. If I might have a moment alone with my daughter? / Slash publicist, thank you.

Moira · Alexis:Alexis dear, now is as bad a time as any to tell you. There is a dark side to Mummy's industry, and I've tried to protect you from it your whole life. / You took me to the Playboy Mansion when I was seven. / And you had a wonderful time in the children's grotto.

Alexis · Gloria Gregson:And I am Alexis Rose, Moira's publicist and daughter. / Oh! Daughter? More like sister. Ew.

Gloria Gregson · Alexis:You may have tried my wine, 'Touched With Grapes.' / Oh my God, that's your wine? / We used to use that for sangria, because it was like, so cheap, and... so good.

Alexis · Moira:Okay, here's how it's gonna go down. It's 30 seconds each, tickets in hand, or it's back of the line, and no, she will not be clarifying any 'Sunrise Bay' plot points. / Ahem! Feet! / Oh yes. And if we're talking feet, it's $75 for one, $150 for the pair.

Ted · Alexis:Ted reveals he already made brunch for them, Alexis says she already ate — he says he'll just have her plate for dinner. Alexis: 'Yum!'

Ted · Alexis:Ted keeps steering the conversation toward 'the Galapagos Islands' while Alexis keeps enthusiastically redirecting to other destinations

Alexis:Alexis: 'I didn't [do those dishes], I just put them on the counter.'

Alexis:Alexis: 'I'd totally think about it, but like, my laptop's here...'

Alexis:Alexis: 'I once maintained a successful, semi-committed text relationship with Josh Hartnett while he was shooting Pearl Harbor.'

Alexis:After the emotional conversation, Alexis announces: 'I'm gonna do those dishes.' Then: 'Babe, do you have a dishwasher?' Then: 'Okay, I'm just gonna... figure it out then.'

Alexis · Twyla:Twyla asks if Alexis knows those days where you're 'just like, super in love.' Twyla: 'Hmm, not really.'

Alexis:Alexis: 'Ted and I are so good at that whole give-and-take thing. Like, he gives me so much, and I have learned to take as well.'

Alexis · Twyla:Alexis tells Twyla she's 'like my little fairy godmother, if she wore an apron, and Celine Dion's perfume.'

Alexis:Alexis: 'Thanks for the chat, Twy. You're like my little fairy godmother, if she wore an apron, and Celine Dion's perfume.'

Alexis · Ted:Alexis: 'Yes, Ted Mullens, I will go to the Cayman Islands with you.' Ted: 'Uh, you mean the Galapagos?'

Ted · Alexis:Ted: 'Oh! We're gonna need shots.' Alexis: 'Yes! Let's celebrate!' Ted: 'Uh, no, no, no, I meant like, vaccinations.'

Johnny · Alexis:Alexis is shocked: 'Oh my God, Dad!' Johnny to Alexis: 'Why don't you take it easy, like you did with your education?'

Alexis · Moira:Alexis: 'It says "that's hot" in Cantonese. Got it in Hong Kong.' Moira: 'Ugh!' Alexis: 'I was 12-years-old!'

Moira · David · Alexis:Moira announces 'Dobro jutro, my darlings! That, of course, is good morning in...' and her children cut her off with 'Bosnian. We know!'

Alexis:Alexis mentions that 'Turkish Cosmo once included my photo on their list of the world's best sarongs'

Alexis:Alexis says 'I don't actually go in the open water, but I can't wait to see you do that' about snorkeling

Alexis · Ted:Ted mentions malaria pills and insect repellant; Alexis suggests 'one of those sexy little mosquito nets for around our bed' and Ted explains they're 'an insane safety hazard — if they catch fire, you're basically trapped in a burning cage'

Ted · Alexis:Ted suggests Alexis think of the vaccine like Botox. Alexis recoils: 'Ew, Ted! What am I, 32?'

Twyla · Alexis:Twyla tries to give a positive reading: 'Oh, I also see a party. People dressed up all fancy in black.' Alexis: 'Like a black and white party?' Twyla: 'Mm, more like a funeral.'

Alexis:Alexis is doing an image search for 'intense boating disasters' to see 'what I would look like after a catamaran accident'

Alexis:Alexis: 'What if something happens to David? I'm basically his only friend. Or my Dad. David and my mom sometimes gang up on him, and I'm basically his only friend.'

Alexis · Twyla:Alexis goes back to the café under pretense of 'popping in to see how you're doing, girl' — immediately caught by Twyla: 'Is this about the card reading earlier?'

Twyla · Alexis:Twyla describes the Ten of Cups as showing Alexis's family with 'a big golden ring of light around them. Like you all had something to celebrate.' — then adds: 'Either that or it's a stain from a beer bottle. Because my mom's ex gave me the cards.' Alexis: 'Ew.'

Twyla · Alexis:'Either that or it's a stain from a beer bottle. Because my mom's ex gave me the cards.' / 'Ew.'

Moira · Alexis:Moira gives a gift and anxiously tries to prevent her daughter from opening it — then insists she open it — revealing her own emotional manipulation.

Alexis · Moira:Alexis accuses Moira of giving her little guilt-inducing things ever since she said she was leaving, and Moira denies it — while having just handed her an enormous framed photo.

Moira · Alexis:The gift is revealed to be a massive, ten-pound framed photo — 'Break all your legs' — with the inscription from the Elmdale Arts Council.

Moira · Alexis:Moira announces she wants Alexis to do all her publicity for the Crows movie — which premieres in the fall while Alexis will be in the Galapagos — framing it as an opportunity.

Alexis:'I'm going to support my boyfriend, and hopefully, eat, pray, love, a bit for myself.'

David · Moira · Alexis · Roland:David accidentally reveals the engagement to Moira, Alexis, and Roland all at once while trying to explain Stevie's behavior.

Moira · Roland · Alexis · David:'Oh David! / Wow, a wedding. Congratulations, Dave. / I don't know what to say. / I know, it was very overwhelming for me, as well.'

Johnny · Alexis · Ted:'Well, you dazzled tonight, sweetheart. Thank you.' / '...Oh, sorry, I don't know why I thought you were talking to me.'

Ted · Alexis · Stevie:Well, you dazzled tonight, sweetheart. Thank you. / Oh, sorry, I don't know why I thought you were talking to me.

Alexis · Ted:'I can't wait to sip piña coladas with you.' / 'Again, it's not really that kind of place, but yes.'

Alexis:'It's time for Ted to... Galapa-go now.'

Alexis:I fit my high school best friend into a suitcase way smaller than this when we were crossing the border between Laos and Vietnam, so I'm pretty sure I can figure this out.

Alexis:I'm sorry, we've started looking at wedding venues and no one chose to tell me?

David · Alexis:Touring a wedding venue is an incredibly intimate thing and we wanted to keep it small. — You invited Dad.

Alexis:Does nobody care that I'm going to be gone for six months?

Alexis · Stevie:Yeah, I left Stevie double-fisting drinks in a hot tub at the cabaret wrap party last night. — I think I saw you triple-fisting at one point.

Alexis · Stevie:Oh no, not quite. — God, no.

Alexis:See, David? Imagine if I wasn't here for this moment.

Alexis:Smiles over here please. Ted wants to know what we're doing. Okay, like, a little less eager and maybe one without Stevie. No offense.

David · Alexis · Clive:Is there a package lower than the bronze package? — Perhaps a copper package? — No, we can't accommodate that.

Alexis · Patrick · Clive · David:Did you not ask to see the prices in advance? — They don't provide... — We don't provide pricing in advance. — Well, now we know why.

Alexis:Um... I will not be here in one month, so I guess that makes me the dead weight?

Alexis:Honestly, David, if this is the kind of bride you're going to be, I'm glad that I'm leaving.

Patrick · Alexis:Car won't start. — What?! Well, I can't be late for my flight!

Stevie · Alexis · Stevie:This might be a stupid question, but why are you wearing high heels on an airplane? — Oh, I'm not wearing them on the plane, they hand out slippers with the mimosas. — When was the last time you flew economy?

Alexis:I'm moving to a place that doesn't have a Sephora for literally 2700 miles, so I'm sorry if I'm trying to convince myself that I'm doing the right thing.

Alexis:Okay, I would literally rather sleep at the airport for a month.

David · Alexis:Like that time you showed up to Kate Winslet's wedding a month late. — The calligraphy was hard to read and Billy Zane also did the same thing, David.

Alexis:Okay, well the upside is that you guys can now take the place, so actually, you're welcome.

Alexis · David:Oh my God. — What is that? It's like a thousand babies teething.

Alexis:Ted's devastated, obviously, but he did say that it's probably for the best because he still hasn't lizard-proofed his place and I have absolutely no desire to be there until that happens.

Alexis:Okay. There's no backing out now!

Alexis:I've dated enough mid-level latte art influencers to know what the people want.

Moira · Alexis:I take a slightly more cerebral approach. / Okay, you were the one that described social media as an amusement park for clinical narcissists.

Alexis · Moira:Big news coming soon, caw caw! — with a yellow winking emoji

Alexis:Oh no! Well, you can't win them all.

Alexis · Moira:Who taught you how to livestream?! / A wonderful teen named CherryBus, she lives in Singapore. Why? Who wants to know?

Alexis:So people basically got like, a whole podcast about how David's wetting the bed again.

Alexis:If I wasn't your publicist, I would be enjoying the situation a lot more than I am. Which is still like, quite a lot.

Alexis:Okay, um, no need to watch that. Okay, Twyla, if you haven't seen it already, then maybe just once, but that is it!

Alexis:Okay, okay... so, no biggie, but my mom may have accidentally posted your little conversation from this morning over social media.

Alexis:Okay, David can never, ever find out about this. I am actually afraid that he will never sleep again.

Alexis:So all we need to do is keep David off the internet for like, 24 hours, or until a celebrity says something wrong, which could be any minute.

Alexis · Moira:It's kind of cute, though. / Alexis. / Yes.

Alexis:Ted! Stop making me jealous of turtles.

David · Alexis · Ted:David walks in on Alexis mid-video-call flirtation and reacts with visible disgust.

Alexis:Everybody out so I can finish off with Ted!

Moira · Alexis:Please tell me it's not a testudine. No, it's a turtle.

Alexis:Relax, they said he's already been washed.

Alexis · Moira:No. I have to give Ted his pellets, and then put him down for a little nap. Sexy.

Alexis:No, it's nothing. It's just a turtle. His name is Ted and he's gone. And I can't remember where I put him, and I thought it was in the motel, but he could've like crawled out of my purse...

Twyla · Alexis:The turtle flew to the Galapagos? No, Ted the turtle is missing, I am now talking about my boyfriend Ted, Twy. It'd be great if you could keep up.

Alexis:The slowest animal on earth escaped from me. That can't not be a bad sign.

Alexis · Twyla:And if you do see Ted like waddling around in the kitchen, just feed him a carrot and shoot me a text. I hope you're joking. Me too, girl. Love you!

Alexis:Ted! Dinner's ready! [calling for the turtle]

Alexis · Driver:How do I know this isn't like an abduction or something? / It's not an abduction. / You didn't blink. I believe you.

Alexis:And you're wearing the little tie with your short-sleeved shirt. My little Galapo-guy.

Ted · Alexis:Yeah, it's actually really hot here, so the bottom half is just my bathing suit and flip-flops. / Ted! More about your bottom half, please! / Twyla's not standing right behind you, is she?

Twyla · Ted · Alexis:Hi, Ted. / Twyla, again, I can't thank you enough for making this happen. / Um, I can lock up if you wanna go, Twy. / Oh, someone has to serve you dinner. But don't worry, I'll stay out of your way.

Ted · Alexis:In fact, they actually named the new fly 'Alexis.' / The fly that mates with itself? / Yeah, I think the important thing is that now I have a little Alexis here with me, just buzzing around.

Alexis · Moira:'Dad, I told you we needed to upgrade the Wi-Fi.' / 'Oh, this is a no way an optimal viewing experience.'

Alexis · David:Alexis tells David she's 'literally stunned' he's getting married, then qualifies: 'Yeah, but like in a good way. Like think of all the people on the planet who find someone, somehow you're one of those people.'

Alexis:Alexis: 'I mean, you didn't end up marrying JC Chasez or Jenna Elfman. But I actually feel like Patrick is kind of the best of both of them.'

Alexis:Alexis: 'David, you better be talking about Stevie Nicks.'

Alexis:Alexis: 'Imagine what I could do with your bachelor party, David. Diplo still sends me nudes.'

Patrick · Alexis:Patrick: 'Isn't she though?' / Alexis: 'Okay. That's funny. More of that. But aim it at David.'

Alexis:Alexis's manipulation: 'Oh no, babe. It sounds like you have so much on your plate already, on top of your bridesmaids duties. Are you sure you want that much stress?'

Alexis:Alexis: 'I once hooked up with three different GQ Men of the Year. At the GQ Men of the Year party.'

Alexis · David:Alexis: 'Hot tip: it often makes for less stress if you just plan it yourself and then tell the bride after.' Stevie: 'Okay. Stevie, not hot on that tip.'

Alexis:Alexis: 'Oh my God, Stevie. I get why you and everyone else would be asking that question, but the answer is... like maybe?'

Stevie · Alexis:Stevie: 'What am I doing?' / Alexis: 'Well, we can just crossfade responsibilities.' / Stevie: 'No. What am I doing with my life.'

Alexis:Alexis: 'Okay, all of what you're saying may be very, very true. Which is why I will not let you give up this job.'

Alexis · Patrick:Patrick emerges in a suit. Alexis: 'Oh my God. Since when did James Bond shop at Elm Glenn?'

David · Alexis:David to Alexis: 'Wow. Who are you?' Alexis: 'I know, right? Like what's happening to me?' David: 'You're going soft.' Alexis: 'Ugh.' David: 'But don't worry. I won't tell anyone.'

David · Alexis:David: 'A simple yes or no is fine. No need to pull focus.' / Alexis: 'I do.' / then: 'Although now that I think about it, I could also be the flower girl...'

Alexis:Alexis describes her flower girl plan: 'Like come out first, wearing a gown made entirely of flowers... Just walk down the aisle, and loop back... and then quick outfit change, and we're up.'

Alexis · Moira:'Crows.' 'Movie.' 'Premiere?!' — The flip-chart reveal

Alexis:Roland has a guy who rents out live crows.

Alexis:Lick rust! Thank you!

Alexis · Moira:Um, is that your gown? What is that for? / Oh, I thought I might throw it on for tonight. / So you're going to the screening? / Yes. A simple 'Thank you, Mother' might be a nice place to start.

Alexis · Moira:Also, I thought you returned that [dress]? I did! Or I know I returned a dress. A glittering, backless thing. Stella McCartney, I think. That was mine. I've been looking for that. Blame UPS.