Smoke Signals

Alexis:Oh, thank you so much for offering to help with my luggage. You know, I've actually moved around so much that I've become quite efficient at it. I once helped a man move seventeen suitcases across the Albanian border in the middle of the night. No questions asked. It was fine.

Alexis:I'm so excited about these beach curls! They're going to be amazing!

David:Yes, you've mentioned that. Multiple times. In the last five minutes.

David:Well, she's been through a lot. Her career hasn't exactly been a straight line to success.

David:We wanted to keep it intimate.

Alexis:David, there are like 200 people here.

David:Well, that's intimate for a venue tour.

Moira:This latch and I have reached an impasse. It refuses to acknowledge my presence, and frankly, I find its behavior positively Shakespearean in its cruelty.

Moira:Oh, finally! I've been waiting for hours. Where have you been?

Johnny:Moira, it's David and Patrick.

Moira:Yes, yes, I know who you are. Did you bring the croissants? I specifically asked for them to be warmed, not toasted.

David:Mom, we're not room service.

Moira:Well, you should be dressed for it. That tie is completely inadequate for hospitality.

Moira:I'm afraid I must respectfully decline your invitation to join this... peregrination. You see, I have a prior engagement that requires my immediate attention, and frankly, I haven't the fortitude to gallivant about the countryside like some common squire on holiday.

David:She had a full meltdown. She's currently in the bedroom, lying on the bed, fully clothed, in the dark, listening to Celine Dion.

Moira:Six months? That's half a year! That's half a year of me not seeing you, and frankly, I don't think I have that kind of time left.

Moira:Is something on fire? I smell smoke.

David:That's my cologne.

Moira:Well, it smells like a Victorian chimney sweep just expired in our living room.

Moira:This is it. This is how I go. Trapped in a walk-in closet like a discarded Valentino. David! Someone! Anyone!

Moira:I'm trapped! I'm going to be annulled in here!

Moira:This elevator is very chancy!

Stevie:You're fine. It's only 2 PM. I don't even start drinking until 4.

Stevie:I mean, if he hits you, that's not okay. But if you hit him first, then technically he's defending himself, so that's fine.

Moira:I have to check on the babies. My girls need their evening moisture treatment.

David:Mom, what are you talking about?

Moira:My wigs, David. Each one has been with me through different eras of my life. This is Simone — she was with me during my cabaret phase in Montreal. And this is Bernadette — she's been through two divorces and a stint in dinner theater.

Patrick:The venue looks nice.

David:Yes, well, it's very nice if you enjoy the aesthetic of a dead mall that's been repurposed into a wedding venue, which I do not.

Alexis:Why didn't anyone tell me about my makeup?

Patrick:Well, we didn't want to hurt your feelings. But now that you've asked, it looked like you were heading to an 80s themed funeral.

Alexis:She's been double-fisting margaritas all night.

Patrick:Double-fisting? How is that even possible?

Alexis:One in each hand, obviously.

Patrick:Right, but what about a third margarita?

Alexis:You can't triple-fist, Patrick.

Patrick:Not with that attitude.

David:Oh my God, no.

Alexis:Absolutely not.

David:We're siblings.

Alexis:He's my brother.

Host:I apologize, I didn't realize you two were a couple.

Host:I mean, looking at her, I should have known she'd have to settle.

Alexis:Excuse me?

Patrick:Well, I think you're very talented and beautiful, and any man would be lucky to have you.

David:I found the perfect venue for the wedding.

Alexis:Oh my god, that's amazing! I can't believe you found somewhere without me. I mean, I would have found it faster, obviously, but still.

Roland:Well, I was using the fire extinguisher, right? But the can said 'Inflammable.' So I thought, 'That means it'll make it worse!' So I used the opposite end.

Roland:Turns out 'inflammable' means the same thing as 'flammable.' Who knew?

Moira:I had always imagined my rescue would be more... mythological. You know, swept away on a white horse by some dashing hero. Not pulled out of a ditch by a man in a red nose and oversized shoes.

Roland:Well, I'm glad I could help.

Moira:Yes, well. Beggars can't be choosers, can they?

Moira:I'm fixing the latches.

Moira:Do you see that smoke? That's a sign from the universe telling me I'm on the right path.

Moira:My career has been a tempestuous love affair. We've had our passionate highs, our devastating lows, and several restraining orders from various studios. But like any great romance, we keep finding our way back to each other, usually through my agent's persistence and complete disregard for my dignity.

Johnny:If you need anything, I'm here for you.

Moira:I don't need anything from anyone. I am a lone wolf.

Moira:I've never felt more lucid.

Moira:I'm like a crystal-clear vessel. I'm like I did psilocybin with Pierre Trudeau and it actually worked.

Moira:Why don't we go for a little skincare swim? Au naturel. It's very vetements.

Moira:Not a shake of a lamb's rump between us.

Moira:Yes, hello, this is Moira Rose calling. I'd like to inform you that I am, effective immediately, tech-nee-kah-lee unavailable.

David:Are these prices in Canadian dollars or did someone just rob a bank?

David:What about a tin package?

Clive:I'd be happy to help you with pricing. Though I have to say, it's quite brave of you to even attempt to sell anything. Most people in your... situation... would simply give things away.

Patrick:One month isn't enough time to plan a wedding.

David:We planned an intervention for my sister in a weekend.

David:And frankly, she was a worse case than most guests we'll have.

David:A short timeline will weed out the dead weight.

Alexis:Wait, are you calling me dead weight?

David:I was rejected by a very prestigious country club when I was eight years old. It was devastating. And I have spent the better part of my adult life trying to secure membership to another one. So when I say that this wedding is important to me, I mean it.

Alexis:That's insane.

David:No, what's insane is your trip to Bali, but we don't talk about that.

David:You look like you're wearing a tankini.

Alexis:Excuse me? A tankini? That is NOT what this is.

David:It's a one-piece swimsuit with a tank top.

Alexis:I know what a tankini is, David. I'm offended that you would suggest I would ever wear something so... practical.

David:Patrick, I want to apologize. I'm sorry that you felt the way you felt about the thing that happened, which I may or may not have done, depending on your interpretation of the events in question.

Patrick:David, that's not really an apology.

David:No, let me finish. I'm also sorry that my apology wasn't what you were looking for, and I'm further sorry that you have these expectations of apologies that don't align with my particular communication style, which is really more about clarity and nuance than emotional availability.

Alexis:Oh my God, David.

David:What? I'm being very sincere. Furthermore, I regret that this entire situation has transpired in a manner that has caused you discomfort, though I maintain that many of the facts you've presented are subjective at best.

Patrick:Why are you wearing heels on a plane?

Alexis:Because I'm not going to dress down just because I'm in economy.

Patrick:Economy?

Alexis:Yes, economy class. I've never been in it before, but I assume it's like business class, just... more economical.

Patrick:Alexis, economy class doesn't have the same amenities as business class.

Alexis:What do you mean? Like what?

Patrick:Like... leg room, better food, lie-flat seats...

Alexis:Oh my God. So what you're saying is I'm going to be sitting in a tiny chair for six hours in heels?

Moira:I was lying there thinking, if I don't make it through this, Johnny's going to be absolutely fine. He'll probably buy a condo in Florida, take up golf, maybe finally get that boat he's always wanted.

Moira:He'll meet some woman named Brenda at a shuffleboard tournament, and they'll be very happy together. She'll probably decorate better than I ever could.

Johnny:I lost a very expensive watch that night, but it was worth every penny.

Moira:We should seize the moment. Life is short. Any one of us could die tomorrow.

Moira:Hit by a bus. Struck by lightning. Aneurysm while tying your shoe.

Moira:Crushed by a falling air conditioner unit while standing on a street corner in Manhattan in 1987.

Moira:So really, we should be living our best lives right now.

Stevie:I don't know, okay? I'm just... I'm tired of pretending that I have it all figured out. I don't. And yeah, maybe I drink too much, but at least when I'm drinking, I don't have to think about how much I don't know what I'm doing.

Stevie:What do you mean you can't check in? Your flight is in like an hour.

Alexis:I know, but the website won't let me. It says my reservation doesn't exist.

Stevie:Did you try using your confirmation number?

Alexis:Of course I did. I'm not an idiot, Stevie. Well, not about flying anyway.

Stevie:Let me see your confirmation email.

Alexis:Okay, here it is.

Stevie:Alexis, your flight is in December.

Alexis:Yes, I know that.

Stevie:Of next year.

Alexis:What? No! It says 12/15. December 15th!

Stevie:Alexis, that's the international date format. Month slash day. It's the 15th of December.

Alexis:Oh my God.

Moira:I need you to leverage my core competencies and synergize my market position. We need to create a paradigm shift in my brand visibility. This isn't happenstance, darling—this is Kismetic.

Officer:Your husband was found naked in the creek.

Moira:Oh my God.

Officer:He said he was having a 'holistic wellness experience' and that this town doesn't appreciate the finer things.

Moira:How much are we talking? Because I have a Hermès scarf collection that I'm willing to part with, but I draw the line at the vintage Pucci.

Moira:I assure you, Johnny will remain fully habilimented.

Johnny:I was stuck in the creek, completely submerged. I couldn't get out. I was thrashing around, panicking, and then the police arrived with their fishing line and had to reel me in like some sort of... large mouth bass.

Moira:Well, they said they loved my performance, but there was a note about the lighting in the final scene. Apparently, I was upstaging Johnny's... birthday tuxedo.

Johnny:Moira, I was not wearing a tuxedo.

Moira:That's what I told them.

David:The car situation is actually more complicated than you'd think.

David:Clive won't take it to a mechanic because he has a phobia of being in enclosed spaces with people he doesn't know.

David:So we asked if he'd let us take it, but he won't let the car leave the property because he has a phobia of separation anxiety.

David:And we can't fix it here because apparently he also has a phobia of loud noises, bright lights, and people named Derek.

David:The only mechanic available is named Derek.

Alexis:You know, I actually really appreciate you. Like, genuinely.

David:Well. That's... I appreciate that. Thank you for saying that.

David:You don't even know what day it is.

Alexis:I do know what day it is. I went to Billy Zane's wedding, and I didn't know what day that was either.

David:You did not go to Billy Zane's wedding.

Alexis:I went to a wedding. It might have been his.

Clive:Well, it's Tuesday. We process the pigs on Tuesday.

David:It sounds like a Céline Dion ballad being murdered.

Roland:You know, when life gives you a venue disaster, you gotta make... venue-monade.

Roland:I've been saying that for years.

Roland:I've said that before.

David:No, you haven't.

Alexis:It's fine, the trip got delayed. It's actually perfect because now David and I can go together, and I get to finally see where Ted lives.

Alexis:Apparently his house requires you to remove your shoes at the door, which is... a lot.

Moira:Your father got arrested at the farmers market.

David:What? Why would you lead with that so casually?

Johnny:Moira, that was 15 years ago! — What if someone sees us?

Moira:You could be hit by a Mack truck, or bopped on the head by a tiny piece of space debris!

Moira:You just remove those vetements, Mr. Rose, I'll be back in the shake of a lamb's rump.

Alexis:I'm moving to a place that doesn't have a Sephora for literally 2700 miles, so I'm sorry if I'm trying to convince myself that I'm doing the right thing.

Stevie:I've actually been jealous of your trip. Like, you're getting out there, seeing the world.

Stevie:I just wish I had your... what's going on? Because I think I might be in the middle of giving you a compliment for the first time, so.

Stevie:Okay. Um, think I've found the problem; your flight's not leaving for another month.

Stevie:Yeah, but it's day before month, so you're not leaving on July 8th, you're leaving on August 7th.

Stevie:Maybe you could start by telling David that you messed up and he can book the venue after all!

Alexis:Okay, I would literally rather sleep at the airport for a month.

Moira:Oh, what an emphatically Kismetic turn of events. Oh, John's here now. Okay, talk soon. Kisses!

Officer Cornwall:Hello ma'am, I'm Officer Cornwall. I was off duty when I came across this man in a state of undress, down by the creek. He claims to be your husband?

Moira:Last I checked, a decades-long successful marriage is not a criminal offence.

Officer Cornwall:I found your husband sunning himself in the creek, like he was in some Grecian bath.

Johnny:No, I don't think we need to editorialize.

Moira:Officer, perhaps we could arrange a plea bargain?

Officer Cornwall:Well, since I wasn't supposed to be fly fishing at this end of the creek... I think we can leave it at a warning.

Moira:Thank you, Officer, for your almost militant commitment to the protection of our community. I promise to keep my husband habilimented from now on.

Johnny:What happened was, you left me alone, struggling to get out of a creek! The algae was so slippery, the cop had to throw me his fishing line.

Moira:Well, button back up your birthday tux, John, because I've just found out the 'Crows' movie is back in business!

Moira:At the precise moment I choose to walk away, the industry comes crawling back to me on all fours.

Moira · Johnny:It appears officer fly fish has taken his leave, how about that dip? — Oh, I think the moment has passed.

Patrick · David:Okay, roadside assistance isn't gonna be here for the next hour, so we're going to call you a cab. — And Clive didn't have jumper cables because he doesn't drive because he's scared of car horns.

David · Alexis:Like that time you showed up to Kate Winslet's wedding a month late. — The calligraphy was hard to read and Billy Zane also did the same thing, David.

Alexis:Okay, well the upside is that you guys can now take the place, so actually, you're welcome.

David:Do we go back and talk to Clive?! Ew.

Alexis · David:Oh my God. — What is that? It's like a thousand babies teething.

Clive:Uh, that is correct. They process their pork on the first Sunday of every month, hence our discounted rates. Did I hear that the wedding was back on?

David:Hey. This is not a winner, Clive.

David:I can't stop hearing it! Like a thousand guinea pigs were being shoved into a wood chipper.

Roland:Well, it sounds to me like you two dodged a bacon-wrapped bullet. I'll say it again: life is but a strand of happy accidents.

David:You've never said that before.

Alexis:Ted's devastated, obviously, but he did say that it's probably for the best because he still hasn't lizard-proofed his place and I have absolutely no desire to be there until that happens.

Roland · David · Roland:You see? Further proof that life is but a... — Okay. We get it. — Strand.

Patrick · David:Hey, what if we got married here? — What if we got married under a highway overpass?

Moira:Oh, in other news: your father was arrested for indecent exposure.

Alexis:Okay. There's no backing out now!