Love Letters

Moira:Well, I've had my share of accolades, but this Bosnian film festival really understood the nuance of my performance.

Moira:Of course, the title translates to something closer to 'Woman Who Screams a Lot,' but that's a loose translation.

Moira:Well, I was operating on Bosnian time.

Moira:It's a little-known fact that Bosnia is actually 47 hours ahead of us, which means that when it's 3:30 in the morning here, it's already Thursday afternoon there.

Moira:So technically, I'm not late. I'm just very, very early for tomorrow.

Moira:I may have taken some pills for the flight, and then I may have forgotten that I took them, so I took some more pills because I couldn't remember taking the first pills.

Moira:It's a very efficient system, really.

Moira:I've calculated that I have approximately seven and three-quarter minutes to live, which is both oddly specific and completely meaningless, but I'm committed to it.

Moira:Good morning, family! It's 3:30 and I've had the most divine revelation about my skincare routine. I simply must share it with you all immediately!

Johnny:Moira, it's the middle of the night.

Moira:Yes, and? I'm awake, so clearly everyone should be awake. Why are you all being so selfish by trying to sleep when I have something important to discuss?

David:Mom, you're the only one keeping us awake right now.

Moira:Well, if you were truly devoted to this family, you'd simply adjust your sleep schedule to accommodate my needs. Some of us have important inner work to do.

Moira:Well, I'm not tired.

Moira:But if you're insisting on an early evening... I suppose I could slip into something more comfortable.

David:Oh my God.

Alexis:Okay, that happened.

Moira:I didn't sleep last night. I was doing the math on how little sleep one can survive on. Turns out it's not a lot, but it's also not zero, which I find optimistic.

Moira:These are love letters to your father. From 'companions.' I assume that's what we're calling them now.

Alexis:Mom, I don't have a therapist anymore. I can't be reading stuff like this without proper mental health support.

Moira:There's a logical explanation for this.

Moira:There's a logical explanation for this.

Moira:There's a logical explanation for this.

Alexis:Okay, but like, you keep saying that, and you're not actually explaining anything.

Moira:Fine, I'll stop reading the letters.

Moira:But I really should finish this one — it's from someone named Brenda, and I'm fairly certain she's about to reveal something about her hip replacement.

Robber:Give me the money in the register!

David:The money is in the register. You're welcome for the clarification.

Robber:Yeah, I'd like you to open your cash register, and give me your money!

David:Okay, well, if you're going to rob me, you're going to have to wait about ten minutes. We're currently experiencing a very high volume of... armed robbery, and you'll be helped in the order in which you arrived. If you could just take a number and have a seat, someone will be right with you.

David:I have approximately forty-seven dollars in my checking account, a maxed-out credit card, and a very nice scarf that I'm not willing to part with.

Robber:Put the money in the bag!

David:I'm so sorry, I don't have a bag that's suitable for this sort of thing. Would you mind terribly if we rescheduled?

David:No, no, no. If you're going to drink wine while committing a felony, at least let me help you select something appropriate. That's a 2009 Châteauneuf-du-Pape, which pairs beautifully with grand larceny, but given the particular notes of desperation in your voice, I'd actually recommend the 2012 Cabernet. It has a certain je ne sais quoi that really brings out the panic in a home invasion.

David:You're actually suggesting cheese to an armed robber? That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard.

Stevie:What? You literally just did that.

David:That's completely different. I was doing it with confidence.

Stevie:This serum is life-changing. It has hyaluronic acid and—

Robber:Yeah, sure, whatever. Just put it in the bag.

David:You're robbing us and you can't even specify what type of cheese? It's not just 'cheese.' There's a charcuterie involved here. We have a 12-month aged manchego, a French triple-cream brie, and a pleasant little gouda. So which one is it going to be?

David:Would you like me to get the door for you? It's quite heavy.

David:And just so you know, we have a rewards program. Bring back five stolen items and your next theft is complimentary.

David:Excuse me, sir? You dropped your receipt. Would you like a bag for that?

Robber:I'm robbing you.

David:I'm aware. But that's no reason to have a subpar customer experience.

David:Wait, did I just... assist in a robbery?

David:I was so focused on providing excellent customer service that I didn't even realize what was happening.

David:Should I feel guilty? Because somehow I'm more concerned that they left without a bag.

Alexis:Well, I've run in worse. I once had to run from the Yakuza in Ibiza in six-inch heels.

Alexis:I know I said I'd be there, and I was going to come, but then I realized that being in that situation would have triggered some really deep-seated trauma from my childhood, and I've been doing so much work on myself, and my therapist said that I need to prioritize my mental health above all else.

Alexis:Also, I didn't feel like it.

Alexis:That's so sweet that you kept something to remember her by, but also... that's the opposite of romantic. That's like keeping a toaster.

Ted:I've kept a lot of meaningful gifts over the years. There's this journal that someone gave me, and I still have it.

Ted:Well, I mean, it's just an empty book, but...

Alexis:Well, I don't know, it's just... it's so heavy.

Ted:Have you ever written in a journal?

Alexis:Oh my god, no. I mean, I read David's diary once and analyzed it, but I've never written in one myself.

Moira:I knocked on Jocelyn's door.

Moira:Well, I may not have knocked. It's really hard to say at this point. It's become quite the mystery.

Jocelyn:I'm absolutely exhausted. I've been up since five in the morning.

Moira:Well, I haven't slept in three days.

Jocelyn:How are you even functioning?

Moira:Cocaine.

Jocelyn:I meant... why didn't you just take a nap?

Moira:Because I didn't think of it.

Moira:I may not have knocked.

David:You definitely didn't knock.

Moira:Well, how would you know?

Moira:The Bosnian film industry is really poised for a major breakthrough. I'm calling it now—we're going to start seeing 'Sarajevo' used as a term for a particular style of cinematography. Mark my words, people will be saying, 'That shot was so Sarajevo,' and it's going to be huge.

Jocelyn:I have no idea what you just said, but I felt it.

Jocelyn:Well, I mean, she did burn all of David's letters from his ex-boyfriend.

Moira:They were a fire hazard.

Jocelyn:They were in a fireproof box.

Jocelyn:Oh my God, these are so explicit! 'You make me feel like a... like a Kardashian on Instagram.' That's... that's really explicit.

Stevie:David, you can't just ignore a customer because they robbed the store.

David:Well, they're not a customer anymore, Stevie. They're a criminal.

Stevie:So what, you're going to ban them? From the store they just robbed?

David:I'm going to do what I always do in these situations — provide exceptional customer service.

Stevie:By calling the police?

David:No. By making them feel welcome so they come back.

Stevie:Well, at least he's getting his calcium and resveratrol.

David:You were not in the back. You were very much in the front, screaming.

Stevie:I was not screaming.

David:You were screaming like a small, angry woodland creature that had been cornered.

Alexis:Your earrings are always so cute. Do you like, have a whole collection, or...?

Twyla:Oh, no. I only have the one pair. I got my ears pierced in 1987, and I've never taken them out.

Alexis:You haven't taken them out in like, thirty years?

Twyla:If I do, they close up. And I don't have the money to get them re-pierced.

Alexis:I wish I had someone to swap jewelry with.

Twyla:I used to swap jewelry with my sister, but then she ran away.

Twyla:I have some jewelry we could swap. I have a locket with my grandmother's ashes in it, a brooch made from a Victorian mourning hair, and a ring that belonged to a woman who died under mysterious circumstances.

Alexis:I got this bracelet in a swap with Sienna Miller.

Alexis:Okay, fine, it was basically theft. She was asleep on a plane and I just... took it off her wrist.

Roland:Hey Johnny, I got some intel on those letters you've been getting. Looks like we got ourselves a real whodunit on our hands.

Johnny:Roland, they're just local correspondence.

Roland:That's what they want you to think. I've been doing some surveillance. Moira's been asking questions at the general store, David's got three witnesses, and Alexis - well, let's just say she's got motive and opportunity.

Roland:You gotta get rid of the evidence. Burn it, bury it, whatever you gotta do. I once burned a whole pile of bras back in '82. Still don't know whose they were.

Roland:Your marriage is in trouble, Johnny. You need to see a therapist.

Johnny:I don't think that's necessary, Roland.

Roland:Johnny, you're in denial. That's textbook denial.

Johnny:I'm not in denial.

Roland:See, you're doing it right now. You've got narcissistic personality disorder.

Johnny:Roland, you can't just diagnose people.

Roland:I'm not diagnosing you, I'm just saying you've got it. Plus some borderline sociopathic tendencies. And possibly autism. I'm not ruling anything out at this point.

Roland:Well, you know, Johnny, the whole town's been involved in your marriage from the start. First, Ronnie said you two had compatibility issues. Then Jazzagals thought it was a communication problem. Now Twyla's convinced you have a thyroid condition.

Johnny:A thyroid condition?

Roland:Yeah, she says that explains everything. The mood swings, the weight fluctuations, the general dissatisfaction with life in a small town.

Johnny:Everyone should stay out of my affairs.

Roland:Well, I don't know about that, Johnny. I think it's great that you're getting out there. Multiple affairs? Good for you!

David:Well, I was armed with the knowledge that I was committing a crime, so technically it was armed robbery.

Police Officer:So let me get this straight. The man came into your store, he took some items without paying, and then he left?

David:Yes, that's what we just said.

Police Officer:And he was polite about it?

Stevie:Very polite.

Police Officer:That sounds like good customer service to me.

David:I showed considerable restraint. I could have mentioned our spring collection.

Ted:These aren't even pictures of us. This is a stock photo of a couple in Cabo.

Alexis:Well, I liked the locket, and the photos that came with it were very nice.

Ted:Alexis, you were supposed to put pictures of us in here.

Alexis:I was going to, but then I thought, why would I replace perfection?

Ted:That's not... these are strangers.

Alexis:Strangers who really love each other, apparently. I mean, look at how he's gazing at her.

Ted:I feel terrible about the loyalty card. That was two stamps away from a free coffee.

Ted:I feel terrible about destroying your gift, Alexis. That wallet was so thoughtful.

Alexis:Oh my God, Ted, it wasn't even from me. That was from David.

Moira:Remember the spelunking incident?

Johnny:That wasn't spelunking, that was when I was trapped in an elevator for three days and developed amnesia, and when I got out, I didn't recognize you, and you had to win me back by recreating our entire relationship in interpretive dance.

Moira:The affair rumors give you an edge. You're not just the vanilla real estate king anymore.

Johnny:Vanilla? I'm not vanilla.

Moira:Darling, you wear Dockers to dinner.

Twyla:I brought you some coffee. I heard you were doing some swapping today.

David:Yes, well, it's more of a strategic exchange of goods to maximize value.

Twyla:Oh, so like when I swap my shift with Ronnie so I can go to my psychic appointments?

David:Not... exactly the same thing.

Twyla:Well, I'm swapping this regular coffee for this premium blend. That'll be an extra two dollars.

Johnny:What did you get from the swap?

Alexis:Oh, um, some disappointing military memorabilia.

Moira:Caw... caw... caw...

David:Mother? Mother, are you with us?

David:I'm going to need someone to call a florist. We're going to need arrangements.

David:And someone should probably notify the dress code police, because she's going to need something more seasonally appropriate for the afterlife.