The Crowening

Johnny:Okay, family, we need to present a united front here. When I call, I need you all to sound supportive and successful.

Moira:David, how do I unmute? I've unmuted myself.

David:Mom, you're still on mute.

Alexis:Wait, is my camera on? Can everyone see me?

Moira:I can't see anyone. Why is it so dark?

Stevie:Because you put your phone in your purse.

Johnny:Okay, everyone just— Can everyone hear me? Hello?

Moira:John, I don't think I'm plugged in.

David:Mom, you have a cell phone.

Moira:There's such sweetness in the air on set today.

Moira:It's literally because of the baklava factory next door.

Moira:I'm sorry, whose voices are these?

Johnny:They're our children, Moira.

Moira:Well, they sound nothing like I remember.

Johnny:That's because they're literally standing right here in front of you.

Moira:David? Is that you?

David:Yes, Mom, it's me.

Moira:Oh my God, Alexis, your strep throat sounds absolutely dreadful.

David:Mom, it's David.

Moira:Yes, yes, I know, sweetie. Now go gargle with salt water.

Moira:How is David's business doing?

David:It's doing well. We're quite busy.

Moira:That's wonderful. And how would you describe the atmosphere of the store?

David:It's friendless.

Johnny:I love you so much, you know that? You're my everything. I don't know what I'd do without you. You make every day special, and I just want you to know how much you mean to—

Moira:

Alexis:Dad, why would you even say that out loud?

David:It's genuinely one of the worst things I've ever heard come out of a human mouth.

Alexis:Like, worse than when you tried to return those pants without a receipt.

David:That was humiliating, and this is somehow worse.

Johnny:I was simply trying to—

Alexis:No. There's no explanation that makes this better.

David:Stevie, I need your honest opinion on something.

Stevie:That's never good.

Stevie:I'm worried about you and Patrick. I found your score on a quiz from an old magazine.

David:What quiz?

Stevie:"How compatible are you with your partner?" You got a 12.

David:Out of what?

Stevie:100.

David:It's not 'M'Lady Magazine,' it's 'Everyday Nouveau Riche.' There's a difference.

David:This quiz is garbage.

Stevie:David, you took it seventeen times.

David:Because it's garbage.

Alexis:Your relationship is snooze-town.

David:Ted is not uptight. He's... conscientious.

Alexis:He color-codes his sock drawer.

David:That's called being organized.

Alexis:Well, actually, we got a 94% on our couple's compatibility quiz.

Alexis:So...

Alexis:We have incredible chemistry. Like, the electricity between us is insane.

David:Yes, well, you've always been drawn to literal electricity. Remember when you stuck a fork in the toaster? And the hairdryer incident?

Alexis:It happened twice.

David:Twice?!

Alexis:Well, that makes it worse.

Alexis:We could do a Friday adventure date!

David:An adventure date? That sounds like code for 'let's go somewhere uncomfortable and I'll pretend to enjoy it while secretly resenting you.'

Alexis:Don't you have some boring work to do?

David:It's not boring. I'm doing a very important inventory.

Stevie:So you got 'Competitive Ballroom Dancer'?

David:I would rather eat glass.

Stevie:Yeah, well, the quiz thinks you'd rather eat glass in a sequined unitard.

Moira:Well, this is marvelous. I feel a kinship with these magnificent creatures already.

Moira:CAW! CAW! One must embrace the character, darling. The method is everything.

Moira:I've given my character a deeply traumatic past. She was abandoned by her murder of crows as a chick, forcing her to fend for herself in a harsh urban landscape.

Director:It's a commercial for a local pest control company.

Moira:Yes, and she's a crow with layers.

Moira:Well, you know, I've worked on productions with far more limited resources. I once did a student film about a crow that was trying to warn a family about an impending winter. It was basically The Shining, but with poultry.

Director:So, what do you think of the script?

Moira:It's terrible. Absolutely terrible. But I'm committed to it.

Moira:So the director wants me to play a woman who discovers her husband has been replaced by an alien, and she has to seduce the alien to save the world.

Director:It's not about seduction, Moira. It's about the primal feminine energy reclaiming dominion over the masculine Other. It's Sartre meets Hitchcock.

Moira:It's a B-movie where I take my clothes off.

Director:Exactly. The disrobing is a metaphor for the shedding of societal constraints and the embrace of one's true cosmic self.

Moira:Well, that's nice. I once ran into Portia de Rossi at a Bora Bora resort, and let me tell you, she was not as charming in person. Actually, that wasn't Portia de Rossi, that was just a woman named Patricia who worked at the concierge desk.

Roland:Johnny's been doing my job for me. I don't know what he's thinking.

Roland:Next thing I know, he'll be playing Scrabble with my wife.

Roland:You think you're so smart, don't you, Johnny? Moving in, taking over my town, my business. Pretty soon you'll be wearing my clothes, sleeping in my bed.

Johnny:Roland, I have no interest in any of those things.

Roland:That's what they all say! But then one day you wake up and you're not Roland Schitt anymore. You're just... some guy. Some guy who looks like me, talks like me, but ISN'T me. Who am I, Johnny? WHO AM I?

Johnny:You're Roland Schitt. The mayor.

Roland:Am I though? AM I?

Roland:I'm the gutter guy! I've been the gutter guy for twenty years!

Roland:You can't just take that away from me!

Roland:Johnny, I'm telling you, you're taking over my life. First it was the business, now it's my doctor's appointments.

Johnny:Roland, I'm simply trying to help you stay organized.

Roland:Organized? You scheduled me for a colonoscopy without asking me!

Johnny:It's medically necessary, Roland.

Roland:That's not the point, Johnny. That's a very intimate procedure. The only thing that should be going up there is my own dignity!

Roland:I'm telling you, Johnny, these moles are suspicious. I need a professional opinion.

Johnny:Roland, I'm a business man, not a dermatologist.

Roland:You're the most trustworthy person in this town. If anyone's going to check my moles, it's you.

Johnny:That is... not how medicine works.

David:I'm going to be spontaneous. I'm going to be sexy.

Patrick:Okay, that's... that's great.

David:I just found the inventory spreadsheet. Oh my God, Patrick, look at these numbers. The Q3 projections are... *chef's kiss*. And the office supply closet? Fully stocked. Those gel pens in seventeen different colors...

Patrick:David, that's not—

David:Don't interrupt me. I'm being spontaneous.

David:You know, there's something really sexy about a man who knows how to use... office supplies.

Patrick:Well, the stapler is primarily used for binding papers together, and the tape dispenser holds adhesive tape for sealing envelopes and boxes.

David:Yes, exactly. Very... competent. Keep going.

Patrick:The label maker can organize files by creating custom labels, and the hole punch creates uniform holes for two-ring or three-ring binders.

David:Oh my God, stop. I'm getting flustered.

David:We should close the store and go on an adventure!

Patrick:We have customers in the store right now.

David:I need to take the afternoon off. Patrick and I are going to couples counseling.

Patrick:We are?

David:Yes. Multiple choice: A) We work through our issues, B) We ignore them and resent each other, or C) All of the above?

Patrick:That's not how therapy works.

David:Well, according to this Groupon, it is.

David:I have an overwhelming urge to destroy something. Preferably something made of plastic and designed to organize.

Patrick:David, no. We just organized those files.

David:Your responsibility is suffocating my creativity, Patrick. I need to feel something. Even if that something is the satisfying crunch of a label maker under my heel.

Stevie:He's not working because he's productive. He's working because he's avoiding his feelings. It's a classic case of using labor as an emotional anesthetic.

Moira:I haven't had tap water since 1987. I've been on a strict regimen of Evian, San Pellegrino, and the occasional Perrier for palate cleansing. My body is a temple, Johnny. A temple that does not process bacteria.

Moira:I'm looking for a Bed or Breakfast, but apparently that's not a thing. I need both the bed AND the breakfast, or I simply cannot function.

Moira:I will not be splitting a bed and breakfast. I'm taking the bed.

Moira:Well, if the director is trying to sink this movie, then I am the figurehead on the bow of this ship, and I will go down with dignity.

Johnny:Moira, that video game work is X-rated.

Moira:It's not X-rated, it's M for Mature. There's a difference.

Johnny:You need to fight for this, Moira. You need to go in there and show them what you're made of.

Moira:You're right. I'm going to march in there and I'm going to tell them that I am a serious actress, and I deserve this role.

Moira:Besides, look at Jaws 4. That was a terrible sequel, and it still spawned a franchise.

Johnny:I'll have the soup to go.

Twyla:Would you like that in a bowl or a cup?

Johnny:A bag.

Twyla:Oh. Um, we have bowls and cups.

Alexis:David's afraid of heights.

David:I'm not afraid of heights. I'm afraid of falling. It's a very different thing. Kafka wrote extensively about the distinction.

Alexis:Why are you wearing a safety helmet? You look like a tiny construction worker, or like a really large toddler who got into his dad's tool shed.

David:I'm not a virgin. I lost my virginity on a Heritage trip to Israel when I was sixteen.

Patrick:You look flushed. Are you okay?

David:I'm fine. It's just the new moisturizer. It's supposed to make you glow, but I think it's giving me an allergic reaction.

Patrick:David, you're shaking.

David:Yes, well, the product description did say it provides 'an intense experience.'

Moira:I need my trailer moved 40 feet to the left. The sun is hitting it at an unflattering angle, and I cannot be expected to prepare for my close-up while looking like a copper penny.

Moira:And I'll need Evian water. Room temperature. Not cold. Not room temperature, cold. Lukewarm room temperature.

Moira:Also, someone needs to call my aesthetician. This lighting is making my pores look like moon craters, and I refuse to film another scene until this is rectified.

Moira:Well, I wouldn't say he was fired. I'd say the studio was simply indifferent to his art.

Moira:My character was written out of the show when she fell into a vat of acid at the cosmetics factory, but then she was mysteriously revived as her own twin sister who had been living in a secret underground bunker in Manitoba.

Moira:By season four, I was also a duchess, and had developed a psychic connection to migratory birds.

Moira:The writers really committed to the bit.

Moira:I was on a soap opera for three years. My character underwent a gender reassignment, became pregnant, and gave birth to twins who were actually her cousins.

Stevie:This coffee tastes like it came from a gutter.

Johnny:Yes, well, it's still coffee.

Stevie:Love is when someone gets annoyed with you on a more regular basis than with other people.

Johnny:I'm struggling because... well, because I've built my entire life around Moira. And when you do that, when you center everything around another person, you lose yourself.

Moira:Johnny...

Johnny:No, let me finish. The truth is, I don't want to find myself. I like being lost with you.

Alexis:Oh my God, David, you're doing great! Just keep going!

Patrick:Yeah, you've almost got it. Don't worry, we're rooting for you.

Alexis:Seriously though, this is such a... *rope* situation.

Patrick:Did you just make a pun while he's literally struggling?

Alexis:I mean, I'm just trying to help him *tie* one on... mentally.

Alexis:David is literally afraid of heights. Like, when we were kids, he wouldn't even go on the second step of a ladder.

David:I have a very legitimate fear. When I was seven, I fell off the monkey bars at camp, and a counselor told me I looked like Anderson Cooper when I was crying.

Alexis:That's not a fear of heights, David.

David:It is a very real fear of humiliation.

David:So you rigged the quiz the whole time?

Alexis:Well, yes, obviously. I mean, did you really think I knew the answers to those questions?

David:I don't know what to believe anymore, Alexis.

Alexis:Oh my God, David, it was just a little quiz. I was trying to help you feel better about yourself.

David:I'm taking this relationship quiz seriously. It's important to understand our compatibility.

Alexis:Oh my god, David, the quiz is completely rigged. It's designed to give you bad results no matter what you answer.

David:What? Why would you let me waste my time on a rigged quiz?

Alexis:Because it's funny?

David:I love the simple things in life. A perfectly organized closet. A well-made suit. A rubber thimble.

David:But you know what I don't love? Rubber thimbles. They're awful.

Moira:This crow is not just a bird—it's a symbol of rebirth, of transformation, of the indomitable human spirit trapped in feathered form. And I will not rest until the world sees what I see: a masterpiece of avian cinema that will make Hitchcock weep into his martini. *caws and flaps arms* We're not just making a movie, we're making a statement. A statement that says: 'This cast of characters will do absolutely anything.' And that's a real *raven* of truth.

Moira:So these digital birds, are they rendering in real-time or are they pre-rendered assets? And what's the poly count on the feathers? I need to know if they're going to compete with my eyeline.

Moira:Also, what's their behavioral algorithm? Because if they're going to move unpredictably, I'm going to need to adjust my sightline, and frankly, I've already committed to a very specific focal point for this scene.