The Crowening

Kids! Your mother's on the phone, and it's her first day on set, so let's all make sure we keep her spirits high, okay?

Moira mentions shooting next to a baklava factory

She-she's not my mother. - Who are those voices? - Uh, your children!

Oh Alexis, do you have strep again? - That was David!

David! Oh, David, how's the store? Any new customers, or is it still friendless?

Alexis points out 'She already hung up' when Johnny says goodbye

Alexis says 'Oh! Burn, Dad!' followed by David's 'Oh my God that's so embarrassing, you must feel ridiculous'

Your natural deodorant isn't working.

Stevie reveals David's poor score on relationship quiz from M'Lady Magazine 1991

David corrects 'it's Major Lady Magazine' with wounded dignity

Stevie observes David took the quiz multiple times despite calling it garbage

David's comeback: 'You're dating a vet who irons his polo shirts'

Alexis counters with 'Ted and I got Electrical Storm. So.'

David asks 'Did you plug your hairdryer in with wet hands again?'

Alexis defensively responds 'that happened twice David, let it go'

David's response to 'adventure dates': 'sound like something a marriage counselor would proscribe as a last resort'

David's dismissive 'It's merchandising day, actually' when called out

You guys could be a 'Total Power Failure.' - Mm! Eat glass.

Moira's dramatic entrance: 'Caw! Caw! My teamster brethren! Yes, it's me, if you can believe it!'

Moira introduces herself as 'Doctor Clara Beatrice Mandrake' adding 'Middle name wasn't scripted, but I've done my homework'

Moira references director breaking her down 'Like Stan Kubrick did to Shelley'

Moira calls the script 'a total dumpster fire, of course' delivered casually

It's an apocalyptic fantasy about mutant crows. I think we all know what we're making here. - A timely allegory about prejudice.

Moira's response: 'Caroline Kennedy once called it the Atlantic City of French Polynesia'

Roland's fears escalate to 'I go home and he's playing strip backgammon with my wife'

Roland continues: 'I look in the mirror and it's Johnny's face staring back at me?'

Yeah, I'm the gutter guy, Johnny. Everybody knows I'm the gutter guy!

Roland continues paranoid spiral: 'I go to my dermatologist, and Johnny's there getting my moles checked?'

What's gonna happen next? I go to my dermatologist, and Johnny's there getting my moles checked?

David's seduction attempt: 'how sexy it is to walk in here and see you doing um... inventory? And wearing those little rubber thimbles'

Patrick's earnest explanation: 'They help me flip the pages easier' followed by David's 'Hot. Hot sex.'

Patrick's business response: 'it's kinda hard to build customer loyalty when your store is just like, spontaneously open or closed'

David's explanation: 'Alexis's relationship is in trouble... they're in need of a generator, if you know what I mean'

David's violent fantasy: 'makes me wanna just... rip those little rubber things, and... burn 'em in a fire'

Stevie's interpretation: 'Fill a big, black empty hole in your life'

If only! At this moment an intestinal bacteria would wreak less havoc on my career!

I didn't bat an eye when I found out my accommodation here was in actuality a small 'Bed or Breakfast.'

Moira describes accommodation as 'small Bed or Breakfast. They feed me at work, I'll take the bed.'

Moira's metaphor: 'I refuse to be the goddess on its prow!' about sinking ship

That-that was rated 'M' for 'Mature,' John.

Moira's movie reference: 'If Sandy Bullock hadn't fought to keep the Speed Franchise alive, we never would've had Cruise Control'

Twyla's soup logistics: 'We don't actually have to-go containers for that, so I've just double-bagged it. Would you like a spoon, or a straw?'

David's height phobia description: 'fearful makes me sound like some Dickensian orphan with a chronic illness. It's more an aversion'

Alexis's descriptions: 'Like a tiny toadstool man, or a little acorn person, or something'

David's comeback: 'you might wanna talk to half my birthright trip about that'

David's excuse for appearance: 'just using a new tinted moisturizer, that's all' when clearly terrified

Moira's behind-scenes complaints: 'None of my phone chargers are working! I ask for a pressed juice, and all I get are blank stares'

Moira's comeback: 'You were the artist, and they were indifferent!' about director's firing

They had me play my own father, who then became pregnant despite the vasectomy.

Moira's soap opera backstory: 'They had me play my own father, who then became pregnant despite the vasectomy'

Nobody drinks that rocket fuel, Mr. Rose. - I know it tastes like something I found in that gutter out there, but uh... it's the pick-me-up I need

Stevie's relationship wisdom: 'I hope that someday I find someone who I can stand long enough to feel a little lost when they're not around'

Eight days, Stevie. That's the longest we've gone without seeing each other.

Alexis and Patrick's rope course puns: 'I really hope we didn't rope you into something here'

He and Anderson Cooper were stuck up there for like, three hours, until the wind died down.

Alexis's confession: 'I took the quiz like, 15 times. In Need of a Generator is like, the only answer you can get'

'In Need of a Generator' is like, the only answer you can get.

David's love confession: 'I love when you use words like inventory! I even love those stupid rubber things you put on your fingers, 'cause you think they flip the pages faster. They don't flip the pages faster!'

Moira's final crow speech: 'Listen to me... aaawk! The day will come when we are no longer social outcasts! I am but a tailfeather away from finding the cure. So please... quiet your caws so that we may take up our cause: redemption!'

In terms of my eyeline, how many birds am I clocking? And of them, how many are mutants?