David Rose

David:The whole time I was surrounded by old women wearing visors, who smelled like yams! There was nowhere to lie down! There was no bed! There was no kitchen.

David:I don't know what's happening. There's like, cows all over the place. Like, everywhere. I don't know if there's an infestation. I don't know what's happening.

Alexis · David:David, what are we... / Shut up! / You shut up! / Um, you shut up! / You shut up!

David:Smells like a gym bag. Does anyone else feel light-headed?

David · Moira · Alexis · John:Ew! Ew! Ew! Ew! / Oh, my God. Oh, my God. [family recoiling in disgust]

Stevie · David:Stevie delivers a deadpan 'sarcastic business center' response: 'Yes, we do have a business center. You can find it right outside the doors to your left, right beside the Hammam spa. Would you like me to book you a treatment while you're at it?'

David · Alexis:Because if someone were to break in here in the middle of the night wanting to murder us, they would attack this bed first. So I need this bed. So you're saying that you want me to get murdered first? In front of you? And then what would you do? Would you just run away and leave me to bleed out on the floor?

David:What kind of sociopath abandons her family in some vomit-soaked dump to gallivant around the world with her dumb, shipping-heir loser boyfriend she's known for three months?

David:That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard.

Alexis · David:I actually think this place is kind of cute. / Did you say cute? / No, Alexis. Martha Stewart's Hampton home is cute.

Moira · David:What just happened? / David, I politely asked that concierge girl if she had stolen my earrings, and she turned ice cold, and now she's on her way to a pawn shop!

David · Stevie:I am sorry if my mom accused you of taking something. / It's fine. / Okay, but does this mean that when you're cleaning our rooms, you're gonna put weird stuff in our beds out of spite or something? / I won't be cleaning your room.

David · Stevie:I think you're kind of rude! / Is that a question?

David:I have asked you thrice now for a towel so that I may wash this town off my body.

David:Just out of sheer curiosity, where do you stand now on whether or not you think this motel is cute? Like, is it still cute, or is it...

David:Oh, I'm a dick? Okay, did I dump you for a party?

John · David · Moira:David, help me with the doors. / No, I can't. I just got out of the shower. / I need help with the doors. / David, help him with the doors! / Oh, my God! / You help him with the doors! / No! / David, could you help me with the doors? / It's air-drying!

David:Oh, my God! Can you do me a huge favor? And never repeat this to anyone that you respect, okay?

Moira · Alexis · David:So, seriously, Alexis, enough about Stavros! / I'm sorry if I am going through something right now! / You're going through something?

John · David · Alexis · Moira:Good night, children. / Good night! / Good night. / Good night. / Let's all pray we don't wake up.

David · John:What are you wearing? What is that? A nightgown? / It's a nightshirt, David. And that's not the issue.

David · Moira:There's an Ebenezer Scrooge thing happening right now. / Oh my God, that's who I was thinking of.

David:My best to Bob Cratchit.

David:He said he'd never date someone with a toe ring and yet...

David:Fine. You may select one silver piece from my accessory case.

Alexis · David:she has 'hakuna matata' tattooed on her foot. / Stavros was seeing escorts before you. A Disney tattoo shouldn't be a surprise.

David · Alexis · David:Actually, now that I think about it, where are those friends? / They're just giving me space right now. / Because they're considered people.

Moira · David:our world's evil twin... has reared her ugly... / Okay. I'm taking my journal into the bathroom. Where I will be shutting the door.

David · Stevie:They smell like cigarettes. / No, that's just the way they smell.

Stevie · David:there's a tailgate party later. It's not exactly clubbing but you know... close. / I don't even know what 'tailgate' means. In my mind I'm picturing like a Klan rally.

David:I'm gonna pass I'm not really in the mood to be a victim of a hate crime tonight so...

Alexis · David:I'm looking for a guy like a mechanic or someone that hammers stuff. Um, at least 5'7. Kind of like full lips. Athletic body. Maybe a neck tattoo would be cute. / No, it wouldn't.

David:Well, I would love to go, but I've actually double booked myself. I'm going to a truck party um, with the front desk girl and obviously she'd be super devastated if I bailed last minute. So I can't.

John · David:How do you know that. / What do you have on tonight? / - What? - Good, it's settled.

David:Oh yes, can't wait. Can't wait. Mmm. [David eating the cheeseball]

David:she would walk into the space wearing a clay mask of a fawn, remove her clothing and breast feed members of the audience. / It was a commentary on income inequality.

David · John · David:Um, it think it's the migraines that I get a lot. / Oh, I think... I think that'll pass, David. / I don't think it's gonna pass. I don't think it's passing.

David · Stevie:I brought vodka as a house gift. / I don't see it.

Twyla · David · David:I'm Twyla from the cafe. / Yeah. / Yeah. Davis Rose. / I'm a little drunk.

David:Well, my sister texted me 'help'. And my mind went straight to Deliverance. So I wasn't too far off.

David:Well, my sister is a broken shell of a human being. That's where that's coming from so...

Stevie · David:Your choices are beer or beer. / I assume a pint glass is out of the question?

David:Um... worse than this? Although at this point it's sort of a moving target.

Stevie · David:Okay, put the tube in your mouth. What? Uh... Yeah. Just open your throat. And go down, 'cause you're tall.

John · David · David · David:And if we have to fix this town up before we sell it, then we fix it up. We fix it up, bit by bit... And it's gonna take hard work but we can do it because we're Roses. And there is nothing we can't do... / Hi... hi... / You're being super loud right now. / I can hear you through the headphones! / So if you can just wrap it up in here. 10 to a 5. Thanks.

Alexis · David:Alexis describes the man she kissed as 'that beardy guy that I kissed at the party' — David clarifies: 'You mean the hitchhiker that was burning meat over a garbage can?'

David · Johnny:David has eye cream from Paris on a still-working credit card — Johnny: 'Oh, you're charging things to your credit card?! And how are you gonna pay for it?' David: 'I don't think you understand, I already have it.'

David · Johnny:Johnny: 'Tell that to the bags under my eyes, then.' / 'You want the smooth under eyes of a 16-year-old, get a job!'

David · Stevie:David's job inquiry at the front desk: asking for a 'bulletin board or pamphlet' for jobs, then listing 'art curating or trend forecasting' as his areas

David · Stevie:David: 'I've been told I have really good taste.' Stevie: 'Oh, well that's good.'

David · Stevie:David asks how much the bag boy job pays; Stevie says minimum wage; David says 'Which is what, forty, forty-five something an hour?'

David:David: 'Um, well, something to think about.' — in response to learning about bag boy position

Johnny · David:Second mock interview: 'Tell me David, why do you want this job?' / David: 'I ran out of eye cream.'

Johnny · David:Johnny role-plays as a grocery store manager to prep David for his interview: 'Ah, David Rose. You're applying for the bag boy position.' David: 'Yeah.' Johnny: 'Tell me David, why do you want this job?' David: 'I don't want this job.'

David · Johnny:David's second attempt: 'Tell me, David, why do you want this job?' David: 'I ran out of eye cream.'

David · Store Manager:David is now actually bagging groceries. The store manager watches him carefully: 'Watch the eggs. What did I say?' David: 'You said put them in a separate bag.' Manager: 'Good. Quick learner.'

David · Johnny:P.A. system: 'David Rose, line one.' — David answers, realizes it's his dad calling him at work on line one of a grocery store

David · Johnny:David resists coming into the room, arguing Johnny could have told him from where he was standing

David · Johnny:Johnny tells David to move his clothes out of the closet because David has t-shirts on hangers

David:David suggests putting clothes 'over the t-shirts then' as a solution

David:David: 'Wait. Alexis has a middle name? Why is this the first time hearing of this? Do... do I have a middle name?'

David:David: 'Who needs 14 grey suits?'

David:David: 'What am I supposed to do with my dry clean onlys?!'

David · Stevie:Stevie: 'I'm still trying to figure out why you'd own more than one piece of clothing you can't put in a washing machine.' David: 'You try putting a cashmere sweater in the washing machine. It'll bite your wrist.'

David · Stevie:David's extended breakdown over 'funky': 'Yeah, funky is a neon t-shirt you buy at an airport gift shop, next to a bejeweled iPhone case. This... this... is luxury.'

David:David: 'These are my things. I've hand-selected each of these things; they mean a lot to me.' / Then immediately: 'How much do you think I can get for this?'

David · Stevie:David: '$850.' Stevie: '850 what?' David: 'Eight hundred—' Stevie: 'Dollars?!' — the ping-pong of shock over David's pants price

David · Stevie:David: 'There's a woman in Paris that makes them by hand.' Stevie: 'My car's worth less than your pants.' David: 'Well, I've seen your car and that makes sense to me.'

David:David: 'You also had company-wide spa days. Why don't we try that?'

Johnny · David · Alexis:The family argument over whether the game is 'two truths and a lie' or 'two lies and a truth' — Johnny keeps getting it wrong

David:David: 'Um, I'm miserable, drunk, and hate this game. So here's a hint... Sadly, I'm not drunk.'

David · Moira:David: 'Well, not anything.' — implication that Mutt's 'anything' excludes him

David:David to Wayne at the thrift shop: 'David Rose. What are your consignment percentages?'

David:David: 'This is French suede, with a vulcanized-rubber instep, okay? You've lost my trust and my business.'

David:David: 'The Internet is a breeding ground for freaks.' He's been trying to sell sunglasses online and 'dieforfash87' won't pay, claiming they're fake.

David · Stevie:David's emotional breakdown about his clothes: 'These clothes are all that I have. Everything else has been taken from me.' Stevie: 'Well, you have your family.' David: 'What's your point?'

David:David: 'Does it look like I shop on Canal Street?' — in response to his sunglasses being called fake

Stevie · David:Stevie: 'Wayne huffs keyboard cleaner for a living.' David: 'Well, that's not surprising.'

David · Stevie:Stevie offers to store David's clothes in the motel storage area. David: 'Wait, you wanna have sex with me?' Stevie: 'No. I don't think anybody has sex in here unless they're being paid for it.'

Johnny · David:Johnny: 'Our son's clothes are no longer in our closet. Something I said finally got through.' / David: 'I just found somewhere else to put them.' / Johnny: 'Well, subconsciously I got through.'

David:David: 'We are literally connected by a door that does not lock. How much more connected do you wanna be?'

David · Johnny · Moira:David walks in on his parents having sex and screams 'Where's my robe?!'

David:David: 'Shame on you for attempting that position at 8 o'clock in the morning.'

Moira · David:Moira: 'Do you know how difficult it is for us to share a wall with you two?' — David responds: 'I do now.'

Moira · David · John:John and Moira share a romantic moment; David walks in AGAIN looking for a magazine, triggering: 'Oh my God! Am I being punished for something? David, are you dirty peeping tom?'

David:'If you tell me that you're pregnant, I'm gonna vomit on this floor right now.'

David · Moira:David: 'Why don't you guys stay at the cabin for longer?' / Moira: 'I would never just abandon you two in a motel in the middle of nowhere.'

David · Moira:David: 'Didn't you once take the wrong baby home from preschool?' / Moira: 'Alexis looked Chinese as an infant. How many times must I defend myself?'

David · Alexis:David insisting his New York apartment was very clean: 'I kept it clean after Cecilia cleaned.' — then immediately announcing he needs space from Alexis

David · Alexis:David's 'games night' vs. party negotiation — David: 'Something small. Like a little games night.' Alexis: 'Yes, like a small, little games night party.' David: 'No. Like a little games night period.'

David · Alexis:David: 'Any more [than six] and game play gets too yelly.' / Alexis: 'It gets very yelly.'

David · Stevie:David's games night casting conversation with Stevie — 'Oh, all those types of people move away from here.' / David: 'That's funny.' / Stevie: 'No, I'm serious.'

David · Stevie:David: 'He finished high school.' (as Eric's only qualification) — Stevie: 'I don't love his look.' David: 'Oh, looks are important? Oh... Why don't we throw a pageant?'

David · Stevie:David: 'She get it?' / Stevie: 'Get what?' / David: 'Like "get it" get it. It, like the vibe.' / Stevie: 'Can I be on your team? You sound really fun.'

David · Stevie:David asks if Sarah 'gets it' — 'Like get it get it. It, like the vibe.' / Stevie: 'Can I be on your team? You sound really fun.'

David:David: 'And how are your... Trivia skills?' — after learning Eric was Stevie's babysittee

David:David's increasing horror as guests arrive late and he recites the schedule: 'It's 8:15. It's 8:15. We should have started at 8. So... fifteen minutes late, let's sit down...'

Eric · David:Eric: 'Who should I put down?' / David: 'I can't tell you that, Eric, 'cause that would wreck the game.' / Eric: 'So then how do I know what to put?'

Alexis · David:Alexis: 'I may or may not have invited a few other people.' / David: 'What kind-who?' / Alexis: 'I don't know. I met them on the way home.'

David:David (re: Dane): 'Who the... Bleep... is this?'

David:David: 'You can't say mother! You can't say mother!' — after the winning clue 'She's a mother and has your cousin's name' leads to 'Mother Teresa'

David:David: 'Why would you bring up my eye in front of all these people?'

David:'But I have a queen bed next door with my name on it and I have been looking forward to sleeping in that bed all day, so...'

Johnny · Moira · Stevie · David · Alexis:The phone-chain chaos as Johnny tries to reach Herb Ertlinger through the motel — Stevie patches it through, David has headphones in, Alexis answers and tells him he has the wrong room, the call keeps getting lost

David:David: 'Can you get a heart murmur from a lack of sleep? Because I have not slept since we got here and I think my body is shutting down.'

Alexis · David:Alexis: 'Well, I hate to admit it, but I actually know very little about heart murmurs.' David: 'Well, I have one.'

David:David's list of grievances escalates to 'I have not been able to find kale anywhere here' as evidence his body is shutting down

Alexis · David:Alexis: 'Well, I'm gonna go for a jog, so don't die until I get back.' David: 'Well, how long are you going for?' Alexis: 'Um, I don't really know. How long are you gonna be like this for?'

David · Alexis:David: 'Don't be a little b...' Alexis: 'Bye!' David: 'When I'm in this state!'

David:David: 'According to Web MD, I'm having a pulmonary embolism, which is much, much worse.' — his condition has been upgraded from heart attack

Twyla · David:Twyla: 'Well, you look good.' David: 'That's... just the way I look.'

David:David: 'People just drop dead in the streets out of sheer neglect?'

Doctor · David:Doctor: 'if it is a heart attack we're way too far away from the nearest hospital for you to make it through the night.' David: 'What?' Doctor: 'Kidding.'

Doctor · David:Doctor: 'Now, have you been around any feces in the past two days?' David: 'I don't n...' Doctor: 'So, no.'

David · Doctor:I don't n— [reaction beat: clearly 'no'] — So, no.

David · Doctor:David: 'I went from living in a 2,500 square foot SoHo live/workspace to a motel room with my sister.' Doctor: 'Wow. Eek. That'll do it.'

Stevie · David:Stevie: 'Don't worry, they're fresh. They're clean.' David: 'Hmm. Ooh! Smell that rock-beaten freshness.'

Stevie · David:Stevie: 'What? It's just I do beat my laundry against rocks.' David: 'You're a freak.'

Alexis · David:Alexis: 'Babe, you know that panic attacks aren't real, right? They're just things that celebrities make up to...' David: 'No, I know. I thought so too, but they are real and I'm having one apparently.'

David · Alexis:The 'taking a selfish' negotiation — David and Alexis arguing over whose turn it is to be selfish, citing Dubai 2010 as precedent

Alexis · David:Alexis: 'Fine, I will go, but I am not happy about this at all.' David: 'Okay. Get off my bed.' Alexis: 'Ouch, David. Ouch, David!'

David:At yoga: 'Okay, I don't think I can do this. There's a lot of people here.'

Mutt · David:Mutt to David at yoga: 'Ted told me all about your... Nervous breakdown.'

Jocelyn · David:During yoga, Jocelyn tells David to try sex for anxiety. 'Sex puts me right to sleep. You should have lots and lots of sex.'

David:Don't judge me for what I'm about to ask you to do.

David:I Googled that bug. It's some sort of demonic cricket that 'takes chunks out of your skin when provoked.' Chunks is the word that Google used.

David:I have a thing about bugs with milky exoskeletons. I have this irrational fear they are gonna crawl into my mouth and nest at night.

David:I think I just need moral support while I slip a piece of paper under the glass with the bug and take the trapped bug and walk it outside.

David · Stevie:Oh! Oh my God! It's fleeing! — Whoa, it's fast! — It's fleeing into the bathroom. That's why you use the cup method, because you'd keep it contained! Now it's just all out!

David:Now it's hiding somewhere in the darkness. Waiting for nightfall.

David:No, I don't have a thing about bugs. It was one bug, and that bug was milky.

David:I do Coachella every year, so...

Stevie · David:I was joking. I have a strong feeling that would not be your thing. — And what do you think 'my thing' is exactly? — High thread count sheets? Colognes that smell like fireplace...

David:Nothing would make me more excited than to... Go hunting for... — Turkeys. — Turkeys... with you. So... is this a tweed or a camo situation?

Alexis · David:A polite person would now ask me what I'm doing tonight. — That's what this is about? Sorry. Um... what're you doing tonight?

David · Alexis:I think you'd be good for each other. — Do you? — I think he has everything you're looking for in a husband. — A husband? — What am I looking for in a husband? — Money.

David:Did you know Richard Gere's middle name is Tiffany?

David · Alexis:Speaking of people without trust funds, what about that beardy thing that you spend time with? — What? Mutt? — Yeah. — No. Ew. It's not a thing.

David:Because he knows how much I love it when mom and dad interrogate your boyfriends.

David:I stupidly agreed to go hunting with Stevie tomorrow.

David:You and your nightgown can tippy-toe back to bed. I'm late.

David:Elton John used to have an annual hunt at his place in Windsor, but that was more about the lunch.

David:Does this come in a slimmer cut?

David:David awkwardly joins the prayer circle mid-prayer, lid of something snapping loudly in the solemn moment.

David:David is handed a communion-style flask/alcohol during the prayer and visibly taken aback

David:Thank you. (David responds to being called delicate, fragile, and scrimpy)

David:Uh, yeah, but it wasn't this... heavy, which makes me think that Elton's was actually a toy.

Ronnie/Bob · David:Treat it like it's a newborn baby. — Have to admit, not into babies so it's kind of a guessing game for me.

Ronnie/Bob · David:Oh, you got soft hands. — Okay, thank you. Thanks.

Roland · David:Oh, you got soft hands. / Okay, thank you. Thanks.

David:Do what? Have fun? Smell like manure? Get called 'scrimpy'? Who wouldn't wanna sign up for this?

David · Bob · Ronnie · Stevie:It's looking at me. — That's it. You're locked in. It's just you and him. — (Turkey gobbles) — Okay... (sharp inhale) — Just point and shoot, David. — Hard to do when you're talking, Bob. — There's no one talking now. — Bob, you're talking. — What? — Stop talking! — Too much talking! — Shoot the bird, David! Shoot it!

David:I feel like one of the Manson girls.

David:So, now what? Do we just... wait until its Turkey family comes and shoot them too?

David:What about what we just did makes you think 'yeah, you know what? I wanna do this year after year after year'? Was it the lying in the mud part or was it wearing the clothes that smell like menthol cigarettes and body odor?

Moira · David:David, I... Need a towel, please. — Is that a new wig? Because... You are reminding me of someone. — Towel, please.

David:I need my towels. Uh, what... who did this to you?!

David · Moira:You went to Janine's. — Yes. Jocelyn took me to... — (gasps) Jocelyn! You look like Jocelyn!

David:Oh, um... I shot a bird in the neck today. It was an indelible image that I had scarred in my mind until I saw what was happening up there with you.

David · Moira:Well, Kristi Stubbs and her team out of Montreal have sold enough to get the car, so... don't believe everything you read, dear, please.

Moira · David:Burn it! / Except this mascara.

David:Okay, where are the tips and tricks? We've been watching this for five minutes, she's talking in circles!

Moira · David:Okay, we're going to have a luncheon. A luncheon? Mm-hmm, a luncheon for our little townie friends.

Moira · David:David is setting out some hors d'oeuvres in our adjoining suite — and the suite is covered in Allez Vous products

David:I just didn't want to put such high quality paraben and paba free product on the floor!

David:Alexis, you'd like this product. It's all about aging, and dry skin.

Moira · David:David, I know you're excited to be part of the fastest growing multilevel marketing community on the continent, but honestly! / There's something wrong with your face.

Moira · David:And who's interested? / Well, it doesn't look like anybody's really interested. / Get out!

David:Is there a gun?

David · Alexis:Some townie douchebag is moving in next door. They've got a baby. / Is there a gun?

Stevie · David:Imagine being related to them. No, I can't. It's too early. — They're my cousins.

David:The baby's relatively normal looking.

David:Hey, the little guy is looking at us.

David:Um... maybe we could invite it to... go? Go away.

David:Oh, now you want in on the action, too, huh? Okay, the... the big one is sniffing the diaper. Does... does that mean it's full?

David · Stevie:Out! Out! [followed by] Pass the chips!

David:I hate them, okay? I hate them so much.

David · Stevie:Hi, Denim. Hi, sweetie pie.

Stevie · David:Do you even know what that stain is or... ? Uh... I'm worried if I did, I wouldn't clean it up.

David:Sadly, um, I threw most of the broken glass you see here.

David · Stevie:Did I try and make out with you? Mm-mm. Good. But now I'm worried I made out with someone else. Uh, it's kind of my go-to when I'm a little boozy.

Stevie · David:Is this your thong or... ? Yeah, no. Bree's a real classy girl.

David · Stevie:Well, it looks like they have a side hustle. Uh, I'm pretty sure she strips. Why? Oh no, this is just a lot of um— Yes, it is.— Marijuana.

David · Sean:You know where I got my hat, brah? Where? 'Assholes' R 'Us'.

David:My hat.. I'm wearing it. I'm wearing it...

David · Stevie:This was a good choice. / We make good choices. / This was a really healthy choice.

David · Stevie:He saw me. Fuck! It's the towels again, we need towels!

David:Your dad can't know about this. It's humiliating for me.

David:Dad, please, just take the towels and go!

Alexis · David:You slept with Stevie. / What, did Dad tell the whole motel? / Well, no, but I heard through the wall, 'cause he was doing his high-pitched voice.

Alexis · David:So, was it cute for you, or what? / It was fine. It was... It was weird. It was good. / Love that. / It was good but weird. / I love that!

David:Well, that's crazy, because all I want is some podunk baby out of wedlock!

David:Uh, walking over to the cafe and ordering a tuna melt is hardly what I would call a 'flourishing social life.'

David · Alexis · Johnny · Moira:David and Alexis tell their parents they need to 'get a life' and feel 'suffocated' — then both parents immediately forget what they came to say.

David · Stevie:That was just a... / Was a one-time thing. / Just a blip... / Just a blip. Blop. Just a...

David · Stevie:So, just to be clear, um, I'm a red wine drinker. / That's fine. / But, uh, I only drink red wine. / Okay. / And up until last night, I was under the impression that you too only drank red wine. / But I guess I was wrong?

Stevie · David:I do drink red wine. But I also drink white wine. And I've been known... And a couple summers back I tried a Merlot, that used to be a Chardonnay. / Which got a bit complicated. / Oh. Okay. / Yeah, so, you're just really open to all wines. / I like the wine and not the label.

David · Ted:Wow, Ted, the place is very... new looking. / Did you design the interior? / Oh, I wish. No, I found this website online that sells off old department store showrooms. So this whole room... just gets delivered, as is. This is the 'bachelor's den' here, and then that's the 'executive dining lounge.'

David · Ted:So are we the only ones showing up to this party? / No, we're still waiting for Mutt and Twyla. / Oh, I should take the rolls out of the microwave. Hot rolls!

David · Stevie · Alexis:David, Stevie, and Alexis's reaction shots to Ted's apartment interior.

David · Ted:Alexis had just said that this was a 'party' party. / Ah, well, you must've been misinformed then, David.

David · Mutt:Mutt, did you two criminals do any good for... / We washed a car. / You washed a car. Wow. / The judicial system is really cracking down on its delinquents these days, huh?

David · Twyla · Mutt:What do you two talk about all day out there? / Nothing. / I mean, we talk, but... We don't really talk about... / So, like, what? / Like, nothing.

David:So when the lasagna gets delivered... Does it come, uh...

David · Stevie:It's very fresh and new. / No, it's not. / It is, I would say. / Mm-mmm.

Stevie · David:Now your whole family thinks I'm this big hooker. / My whole family does not think... / It was a funny one-night thing. / Everyone here is fine with it. / It was funny?

Twyla · David:I had a best friend that hooked. She married one... / Wow! So cool. / It's not the time, Twyla.

David · Stevie:I think it's fair to say that neither of us have ever worked... / True. / It was funny. / And a little humiliating. / Yeah, I, uh... Saw a lot of my body. I didn't like it. So...

David · Stevie:Try it again, for the sake of practice? / I'd be into that idea. / For the sake of proficiency.

David · Stevie:Oh! Why did he say that? / Oh, my God. / What the hell...

David · Johnny:Are you drunk? / Grass, too much grass. / A little bit, but...

David:David to the kids about Dee Dee: 'I think you crashed one of my pool parties with some guy you were calling Uncle Julio.'

Dee Dee · David · Alexis:Dee Dee gives the kids $100 cash and they react with overwhelming excitement

Stevie · David:Stevie and David going back and forth about whether Grant (the handyman) works out: 'Okay, so you do work out. You are such a liar.'

David · Dee Dee:David about Grant: 'He was also just trying to tell me that he got that body from just being a handyman.' Dee Dee: 'Well, isn't Grant just a big, fat liar.'

David:David: 'No. No. Do you. Do him. Do both. Do things. Yeah.'

David · Stevie:David: 'Let's put up some boundaries for the infrequent benefits that our friendship has.'

David:David: 'Can we do that after you screw Mr Fix-it, or would you like to do it now?'

Jocelyn · David:Jocelyn to David: 'You strike me as the sort of person that had a hard time in high school.'

David:David: 'The idea of me life coaching another human being should scare you. A lot. I don't...'

David:David: 'Yeah. The actual longest relationship was, um, a three-month affair with a Saudi prince, but for the last two months of that, I was trapped in his palace trying to get to an embassy.'

Stevie · David:Stevie: 'Like one of those guys that has like a candy bowl of condoms on his bedside table or something.' David: 'Oh, I hope so. Wonder what colour I'll get.'

David:David: 'I am mentoring a teen in crisis, later. That's what I'm doing. One of Jocelyn's students, so. He's being bullied because he's different, so I'm helping to change his life. Giving back. So, yeah.'

Stevie · David:Stevie: 'And on a scale of one to 10, how much are you looking forward to that?' David: 'Three point five.'

David:David to Stevie about Grant: 'I'm gonna leave you be because it's not every day you get to go on a date with a guy who owns a windowless van, so that...'

David:David's awkward pause looking at Connor before saying 'Apparently you're having trouble fitting in.'

Connor · David:Connor: 'Are you like a doctor, or something? A psychologist?' David: 'Am I what? Uh, no.'

David:David: 'Well, first of all, you're a little bitchy. Second of all, she is not my girlfriend. She's someone that I'm occasionally having sex with because we're both bored and desperate.'

David:David: 'Okay, well, movies aren't always right, all right? You'll learn that later in life.'

David · Connor:David: 'You're gonna be okay, right? You're stable?' Connor: 'I have a party later. Can you buy me some beer?' David: 'Uh, no. Can you buy me some beer?'

David:David on why he's drinking: 'some snippy teen told me that my life was a mess. And I am now a single person.'

David · Stevie:David: 'And because I don't have any other friends here, I can't afford to lose you, so I think it's best if we just...' Stevie: 'Friends.' David: 'Friends. Yeah.'

David:And because I don't have any other friends here, I can't afford to lose you.

Johnny · David:Johnny enters to remind the kids to keep Saturday open, then reveals it's Moira's birthday — which David has confused with Mother's Day

David · Johnny:Johnny says 'Maybe Roland's house' as a venue option. David replies: 'Listen to the words coming out of your mouth.'

Johnny · David · Alexis:Johnny attempts 'Talk to the hand, son, because the ears are no longer working' — followed by 'Oh, my God. Okay, that's not at all how that works, so...'

David · Alexis · Ted:David convinces Ted's veterinary conference is in 'a Chicago suburb' — Alexis hadn't told Ted about cancelling

David · Ted:David tells Alexis she 'can't miss your own mother's surprise party' — then says to Ted 'I'm sure you're from a really solid home and... Understand.'

Alexis · David:Alexis threatens: 'I'm gonna slap you in the face.'

David:David asks Alexis to 'ask Mutt for the barn' because 'I know that you guys have a close working relationship, so...'

David · Stevie:David asks Stevie for a ride; she says she's working. David: 'Oh, you are?' / Stevie: 'Yes. I have a job that I can't just leave to drive you to Elmdale.'

David · Stevie:Stevie claims she's 'working' while visibly doing nothing, and David's sceptical 'I don't know, nothing?'

David:David's reason for not hitchhiking: 'And wake up chained to a pole in a trucker's basement? Not today.'

David:David's response: 'Okay. Well, when you put it like that, it makes me sound ridiculous... which I'm not. So, thank you... for your services this afternoon.'

David:David explains the cake situation: 'I think she's going through something right now. I don't know. Something with her body.'

David:David: 'You didn't think your mother would get involved in planning a fundraiser?'

David:'My God, she had Hillary shaking last year at the Clinton Foundation dinner.'

Johnny · David:Johnny: 'Stupid Roland. Roland?' / David: 'How did Roland get involved in this?' — escalating Roland blame

Johnny · David:The missed-exit reveal: David slept for '45 maybe' minutes, and the last sign said 'Exit Elmdale' — meaning they've already passed it

Johnny · David:Johnny: 'But you were sleeping!' / David: 'Well, wake me up!' / Johnny: 'No! Because you're so grumpy when you wake... Like, you're grumpy right now.'

Moira · David:Moira demands to know the name of the charity: 'Again, what is the organisation that it's for?' / 'The Doctors Who Uncleft The Mouths.'

Moira · David:Moira asks: 'And who are the trustees?' David: 'I don't think they're gonna come.' Moira: 'Oh, how very churlish of them.'

Moira · David · Jocelyn:Moira: 'How much are tickets?' / David: 'Um, free?' / Moira: 'Oh, my God! Do you people know what the word fundraising means?'

David:David defending Jocelyn: 'I'm trying to make sense of these flowers... They're seasonal and they tie in all of the other design elements that Jocelyn has come up with.'

David:David's 'And you are?' to the person who challenged Moira — but delivered to Moira herself as a way of cutting off the confrontation

David · Moira:David: 'Why don't you just sit this one out then?' — to Moira, when she threatens to leave

Moira · David:Moira: 'And you are?' — directed at David, her own son, when he challenges her

David · Jocelyn:A visual beat: the barn party setup — we see the party in progress, implying the complicated plan has somehow worked

David:David's defence of the party planners to Moira: 'Those people are putting a lot of energy into raising money for those kids.'

Alexis · David:Alexis: 'Not if you just take them.' David: 'Well, that would be low-bottom behaviour, wouldn't it?'

David:Someone at the party immediately asks: 'Okay, who told her?'

Stevie · David:Stevie and David at the party: 'And you got your cake.' / 'Yeah, remember this cake? I'd asked you to help me get it.'

David · Stevie:Stevie begins explaining her earlier behaviour: 'I think it's just that this whole friend...' — David interrupts: 'It's that lady time, huh?'

Stevie · David:David asks Stevie to dance; she says she 'normally only slow dances with strangers, at bars... after I've had a few.' Then agrees.

Moira · David:David? Should I take this with me? / If I'm being perfectly honest, it's very low on the totem pole of coats of yours that I like.

David:I just have a different kind of relationship with my friends where we don't need to be in constant contact with each other.

David:I was thinking, maybe we could get a two-bedroom apartment in Manhattan and not have to live in Brooklyn.

David · Johnny:Are you stealing Roland's truck? / Yeah. It's not exactly a Tesla, but it'll get our bags to the airport.

David:Oh, you just watch a season of Girls and do the opposite of what they do. It's easy.

David:I was looking at three bedrooms, but do I really need an office? I don't know.

David:I'm saving you from this dumpy town.

David · Patrick:You've made my life here survivable. / 'Survivable.' Thank you. That is the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.

David · Johnny:David, what're you doing here? / I'm just wondering when you think we're gonna have the check ready. / Well, this is not the time for that, David.

David:Okay, well, you gave me this town as a gift, so I feel like I'm owed a little bit more. So, 50% for me, 50% for you.

David · Johnny · Moira:The family all yelling 'David!' at once; David yelling back 'Stop yelling David! You come here!'

Alexis · David:Alexis to David: 'Okay, it's gotten more complicated! We slept together!' — blurting out the Mutt situation mid-family reunion

David · Moira:'What if I'm not ready to come home?!' / 'There's a bug on your dress.' / 'Ew!'

David:Miriam makes the most delicious butter. Yeah, I mean, she starts pounding that cream about a half hour too early in the morning, but it tastes exactly like the butter we had at the Ritz in Paris, you know, that sort of... Saltless butter.

Amish farmer · David:Amish farmer to David: 'And yet your time with us has come to an end.' — pre-emptively ending David's protest

David:David's farewell speech to the Amish family: 'Thank you for your kindness, when no one else showed me kindness. And compassion, when no one else showed...'

David · Alexis:David: 'Okay, nobody freaked out when Alexis went missing!' Alexis: 'I didn't go missing, David. The FBI knew where I was the entire time.'

David · Moira:What bag? / You stole my bag, David. / That bag? That bag looks like it hasn't been used in a hundred years, so I put my toiletries in it.

David · Moira:David: 'Did you come for me, or did you come for that bag?' — forcing the family to admit their mixed priorities

David:David: 'I hitchhiked, in the middle of the night, wearing all black! I was basically asking to get hit by a car!'

David:David: 'Okay, because I have told a lot of people that Diane Sawyer sells fake bags on the down-low.'

David · Alexis:Moira: 'I slept in the cab of a truck! Overnight!' Alexis: 'Oh my God, who hasn't, David!'

David · Stevie:How are-yeah. / What? / Um... I come bearing gifts.

David · Stevie:David says people told him Stevie was calling around asking for him; Stevie says 'Oh, well, I didn't.' / 'They said that you were.' / 'Well, they were mistaken.' / 'In fact, I was hoping you wouldn't come back.'

David:David: 'Wow, believe it or not, that is one of the warmest welcomes I have received so far!'

David:David's explanation for not staying away: 'I was intending on staying away for much longer, but I ran out of money, and forgot my phone charger.'

David:David: 'I thought, well, there goes my one friend.' / 'Try saying that one out loud, it is very dark.'

David:David tries to leave Stevie's office and keeps narrating it: 'I'm gonna leave your office. I'm gonna leave your — I'm gonna leave your office.'

David · Stevie:David's parting words: 'Best wishes to you.' / 'Warmest regards.'

David · Roland:David's extended, painful apology — 'Uh...!' of reluctance before every sentence, long pauses, and 'I feel really bad about it.' followed by Roland: 'But do you, David?'

David · Johnny:After the apology is accepted, David immediately takes Roland's juice: 'Okay, I'm taking your juice.' / 'David!'

Alexis · David:Someone keeps eating my yogurt! / What kind of yogurt?

David:Oh my God, I guess I was saving it for during your run, then.

David:Nobody can cook, this is basically child abuse!

Moira · David:You got that Teppanyaki table for your bar mitzvah. / That was thrown out after Alexis left her extensions on it, and everything smelled like burnt hair.

Alexis · David:I thought it was an actual table, David. / There was a plug coming out of the side of it!

Alexis · David:Oh my gosh David, it's gonna be so fun for you tonight, doing that with Mom. / Don't touch me! / It's so nice! / Don't! That's harassment!

Alexis · David:I finally went over to break up with Ted. / Ooh, that is good! I was starting to think you might never do it.

David:Well, I'm pretty sure those people get divorced.

David:Yeah, I'm pretty amazing. — You really missed out.

Moira · David:Fold in the cheese / What does that mean? / What does 'fold in the cheese' mean? / You fold it in. / I understand that, but how?

Moira · David:David, I cannot show you everything. / Okay, well, can you show me one thing?!

David:How do you fold it? Do you fold it in half, like a piece of paper, and drop it in the pot, or, what do you do?

Moira · David:You just... here's what you do: You just fold it in. / If you say 'fold in' one more time... / It says, fold it in! / This is your recipe! / You fold in the cheese, then! / Don't you dare! / You fold it in! / David!

David · Moira:Oh good, now I see bubbles. / David! What does burning smell like?!

Moira · David:You smell the room, what do you think? / I-I don't know. / Well, of course you don't, because I have not taught you life's basic skills.

David · Moira:Other than cooking, what basic life skills don't I have? / Oh David, I'm not sure we have time for that.

Moira · David:And now I know how it feels to be utterly helpless, like you, and your sister. / I don't know if I'd call us 'helpless.' / No need to make me feel better.

David · Moira:David shows Moira a YouTube tutorial on 'folding' — 'Folding is one of the easiest techniques in the book. It's just a very gentle way of combining two ingredients.' / Well, that's simple enough, any fool could do that. / Did you do that?! / No.

Moira · David:We had lots of fun making them. / Mm! Let's not ruin a meal by talking about the process!

Moira · David:Although it's really not that complicated, once you fold in the cheese! / Ahh...

Johnny · David · Moira:Well, this could be a very good thing! I think maybe once, or twice a week... — This won't be happening again. — Uh-uh.

Moira · David:Moira mistakes David for Alexis, claiming she had a lengthy conversation with 'Alexis' about hosiery and menopause

Moira · David:The moth / triple-locked titanium suitcase / cashmere exchange

David · Stevie:David knows cedar by smell because of a cologne 'supposed to smell like the aftermath of a car crashing into a cedar tree'

David:David describes the moth infestation as moths mistaking his cashmere for 'an Atlantic City all-you-can-eat buffet'

Stevie · David:Stevie's skeptical repetition — 'You're planning on building a cedar chest? You are. You're gonna build it?'

Mutt · David:Mutt arriving to pick up 'cute looks for the barn' — the absurdity of fashion-coordinated farm attire for Alexis

David · Mutt:David is discovered doing measurements with no measuring tape — using some unspecified improvised method

David · Mutt:David shows how far along he is in building the chest: 'Um, I'm this far'

David:'Um, no. Mutt is out back, and he's asked me to get these things for him. We're building the chest together.'

Stevie · David:Stevie offers David a choice between a 'basic toolbox' or a 'cedar chest toolbox'

David:David says 'Obviously the cedar chest tool box!' without any hesitation

David:David realizes Stevie is kidding — but adds 'in the off chance that you're not, where in the shed would I find that box?'

Mutt · David:Mutt admits he 'can't not jump in and help when I see someone doin' something wrong' — but doesn't mean carpentry

David · Mutt:David's pre-emptive speech about not being romantically interested — 'If you're experiencing feelings for me, I totally get it'

David:David's description of Alexis: 'She sort of fades into the background after a while, you know, like a smoke alarm'

David · Mutt:Mutt asks if David is just saying that to keep Alexis away; David immediately admits yes

David:'She'd lose her fucking mind' — David on Alexis hearing the truth

Alexis · David:Alexis returns to the motel claiming she told Mutt she needed space — David knows this is a reversal of the truth

David:David: 'That's excellent. Yep.' — accepting Alexis's fiction with barely concealed relief

Alexis · David:Alexis compliments the cedar chest — 'That's a cute little wood thing, David' — and David accepts the compliment: 'Thank you, I made it'

David · Alexis:David's deadpan 'It looks like a bike' response to Alexis's panicked 'David, what is this?!'

David:David riffing on Mutt's romantic gesture: 'Like an opal, or something. Ooh, like a pear-shaped opal.'

Alexis · David · Mutt:Mutt knocks on the door immediately after Alexis's panicked 'No, Mutt!' and David promises to support her — then she does a calming exhale before cheerfully saying 'Hey you!'

David · Alexis:David and Alexis respond to the helmet in unison: 'A helmet!' — David then encouraging Alexis to actually put it on with increasing insistence

Alexis · David:Alexis whispering furiously 'I hate you, David!' before cheerfully calling out 'See ya!' to Mutt

John · David:John's indignant response: 'Okay, these are pants that just so happen to have a pant fabric over the front and back... Okay.' followed by David agreeing 'Yeah, it's a skirt.'

David · Roland:David: 'Oh, so you're the... so you-you're the Anne Hathaway in that situation?' Roland: 'I don't know who that is.'

David:David: 'Well, that's more than enough information for me to go on.'

David:David's assessment of the potential Wendy look: 'if she got fired from her job at the magazine, and started walking the streets'

Roland · David:Roland: 'this man has a woman's touch.' David: 'I don't... I don't know what that means.'

David:David on the two blouse options: 'Well, this is a real Sophie's Choice!'

David:David (to Wendy): 'Would you describe either of those as "quick release?"'

David:David finally blurts: 'Skanky! I think the clothes are a bit skanky.'

David · Roland:David: 'I don't have a lot to my name right now, but I do have one thing.' Roland: 'Self-respect?' David: 'No, taste.'

David:David's excuses for not learning to ride: 'you know that I have bad foot-eye coordination, you didn't have to wear corrective leg braces for three months.'

Moira · David:Moira's advice: 'David, it is one foot on the pedal, and one foot on the ground, and then get the hell out of here!' David: 'Okay? I don't know what that means.'

David · Alexis · John · Moira · Stevie:David successfully rides the bike — the whole family (and Stevie) erupting in celebration

Roland · David:Roland: 'Hey, someone get my camera!' David: 'Nobody get a camera!'

David:I like it 'cause Jared Leto gave it to you, and he was my first kiss, but I don't know if I like, like it, like it.

David · Stevie:Do you like this sweater? / Honestly... While I admire your courage, uh, when it comes to fashion, I'm just not the best person to ask.

Stevie · David:Mm, you seem stressy. / I'm not. I'm not stressy.

David:Okay, there are certain lies I tell myself, and if you're any kind of a friend, you will let me cling to those lies. And drive me to the interview.

David · Stevie:I'm gonna change my sweater, and meet you at your car, so. / It's like a poncho.

David · Stevie:No. Nope. No. / What? / Well, this can't be it. / That's it.

David · Stevie:There is a solid chance I may have insulted the owner. / Oh well, that doesn't sound like something you'd do. / She has very questionable taste. And I may or may not have told her that to her face.

Stevie · David:Also, this is probably the only job in this town that you'll ever be qualified for. / Okay, so do you want me to lead with that, or hold it 'til the end, and keep it as a surprise?

Wendy · David:So... David! This is quite the resume. If I ever need a performance artist I know who to call. / Thank you.

Wendy · David:Skanky! / Excuse me? / You called my store skanky when you were here with the mayor.

David · Wendy:What I think I'd bring to the position is a worldly approach to merchandising, and sales tactics. / We're not over the skanky thing, are we? / No.

Wendy · David:I can't help but wonder, why you'd wanna work in a store you described as skanky! / I don't know if we need to keep saying the word. / Skanky!

David · Wendy:Which is why I feel like I can help. / You think I need your help?! / Well, I am answering an ad in the paper.

David:Is the floor overcrowded? Yeah. Are the mannequins a little too busty? Absolutely. Does it smell like urinal cakes in here? Perhaps.

David · Stevie:In France, they say the looser the fit, the sexier the feel, so... / I've never been to France.

David · Stevie:Um, yeah, I'm gonna need you to do something for me. / Like drive home without you? / Uh no, Wendy has got me on a bit of a trial run with the customers, and I'm gonna need you to help me out by looking like you're enjoying this conversation a little more than you are, um, I'm gonna need you to buy a couple blouses from me.

David:I'm gonna need you to help me out by looking like you're enjoying this conversation a little more than you are, um, I'm gonna need you to buy a couple blouses from me.

Stevie · David:A couple?! / One. A blouse.

Stevie · David:What about this? / Well, that's not an option. / That-no. / But I have my sister's communion this weekend.

David · Stevie · Customer:Okay, don't do that. / Don't do what? / Do you not like it? Don't, Stevie! / Good recommendation, sir! / This is gonna be a smash at my husband's trial hearing. / He's got good taste.

David · Wendy:Mm... / Well, congratulations. / Let me get the champagne. You guys are gonna love it, it's the same one we use to celebrate my mom's divorces.

Stevie · David:Great... / So how long before I can return this? / Oh, it's exchange or store credit only. / That's funny. / I'm not joking.

Stevie · David:Well, I guess you're buying drinks tonight. / I can do that, that's fair. / And dinner. / Okay. / And if I feel like dessert... / It's a $12 dollar negligee on a 2-for-1 promotion so...

David · Wendy:Okay, I'll just drop a little raisin in here to release the bubbles. / Blechhh! That's not necessary! / Okay!

David · Wendy:Congratulations! / A whole raisin.

Stevie · David:To your first job. / Ooh, my first job was actually a gap kids campaign when I was six. / To your first job!

Stevie · David:Are those my mannequins? — Yeah. — Well, where are they going?! — Oh, I sold them on eBay.

David · Stevie:I'm using the money to buy other mannequins, ones that are a little less um... Fun? — Porn-y.

David:Alexander Wang once fired my friend over the smell of his cologne. To Alex's credit, 'Curve Pour Hommes' hasn't been the look since '97.

David:Yeah, I used that, too. [re: company credit card]

David · Stevie:No jewelry stands. — No jewelry... — Noooo! — No, David! Jewelry stands!

Johnny · David:Look at us, son, a couple of working stiffs back from the salt mines. — What?! — Two men, back from the mines. — What mines? What's that mean?

David:You know I just got back from a four-hour shift that mostly consisted of me sampling luxury candles so...

Johnny · David:Why don't you grab yourself a cold one? You've earned it. Working man. — There's nothing in here. — Really? — Yeah. — Oh, I must've taken the last one.

Johnny · David:And you're looking very, very sharp. — Well... — Is that a new sweater? — Uh, it is. — Well, word to the wise, son, don't... spend all your money at once.

John · David:What's this? Looks expensive. Oh, this is some new bedding. David, didn't I just... Tell you to save your money?

Johnny · David:Do you even know what a write off is?! — Uh yeah, it's when you buy something for your business and the government pays you back for it. — Oh, and who pays for it? — Nobody, you write it off. — Who writes it off?! — I don't know, the govern... The 'write off' people!

John · David:Oh, and who pays for it? Nobody, you write it off. Who writes it off?! I don't know, the govern... The 'write off' people!

David · John:But the skin care products you got this morning, those are a write off. What skin care products? You purchased skin care products?!

David:Okay, well then why isn't it called a 'tax write off?'

David:Well then, I'll return some things. There's not enough space in here for the massage chair, anyway.

David · Alexis:What's going on? I think Mutt and I ended things. You think? Okay, here's a serious question: Are you capable of making an executive decision?

Alexis · David:I think Mutt and I ended things. — You think? Okay, here's a serious question: Are you capable of making an executive decision?

Alexis · David:We both agreed that even though the sex was amazing — Mhmm. — Like, amazing! — [long beat] — There was this time in the barn where I climbed up onto this rafter...

David · Alexis:What was right in front of you? — When? — Okay.

David · Alexis:Which was what? What? What was right in front of you? When? Okay. Okay. So anyway, it's done.

Alexis · David:Like, I've never felt anything after a break up. Mhmm. — Like, nothing. — Like, I've been to doctors about it.

Alexis · David:I think I need a hug, or something. — W-you what? — I need a hug. — Uh... uh... — David, will you please give me a hug? — Oh, okay, yes, yeah.

Alexis · David:I think I need a hug, or something. W-you what? I need a hug. Uh... uh... David, will you please give me a hug?

Alexis · David:Did you get new bedding? — Um, yeah, I did. — But it's a write off, so I don't... Anyway.

Alexis · David:Did you get new bedding? Um, yeah, I did. But it's a write off, so I don't... Anyway.

David · Alexis · Johnny:Oh, did you pick up that random condom that was on the grass there? — Ew yeah, whose was that? — I have no idea.

David · Alexis · John:Oh, did you pick up that random condom that was on the grass there? Ew yeah, whose was that? I have no idea.

David · Alexis · Johnny · Moira:Weren't those here before? — There was literally nothing here. — It was a wasteland. — Weren't there more plants here before? — No, there weren't!

David · John · Alexis:Weren't those here before? There was literally nothing here. It was a wasteland. Weren't there more plants here before? No, there weren't!

Johnny · David · Alexis:Oh, there's the condom right there, David. — Ew! Eww!

David:'Look at your things. Look at your life!'

Stevie · David:You know, if you expect me to drive you to work, it would be nice if you were ready on time. / I am ready! / I just have to get my jacket, change out of these shoes, and grab my bag.

Moira · David:I am approachable... [beat] Is that a question? / Yes, the question is: I am approachable... [beat] That sounds more like a fact that you're sharing with me.

David:You know, being approachable isn't that important anyway. The queen hasn't smiled since the 70's, and her birthdays are still very well attended.

David · Jocelyn:David reveals he works at the store when Jocelyn asks if he's 'picking something up for himself'

David:I usually just come here when I need to kind of... freshen up my wardrobe.

Jocelyn · David:Does this print come in a different colour? / Uh, theoretically.

David:For what? I didn't do anything.

David:I told her not to wear the jacket with the skirt, so... I don't know.

Moira · David:Now will you be a doll, and fetch Mummy a knife? / A knife? / Oh, I'm sorry, I think you'll find one lodged in the middle of my back.

David:Okay, well, that's a lot.

Moira · David:And when you pull it out of my back... / Okay, I'm gonna take a shower. / ...you can plunge it into my heart! / Okay, all right. / Plunge it into my heart! (Sighs)

Moira · David · Stevie:Someone has to find naked pictures of me. / Better you than a stranger in a storm cellar. / Nothing's coming up. / What search words did you use? / Your name and 'nude.' / Three words I thought I'd only have to type if I was held at gunpoint.

David · Johnny · Alexis · Moira:David reveals his employer bought him a car (rental) and Johnny and Moira immediately pivot to 'Thank God we have a car again!' — David's withering 'Um, very unclear on the "we" part of that sentence'

Moira · David:Moira lectures David about washing his face with 'a bar of motel hand soap,' claiming she's always had clean, radiant skin but 'I'm an anomaly'

David · Moira:David insists his pimple is 'just my anxiety clogging up my pores.' Moira: 'And forming zits.'

David · Moira:David is on the floor desperately salvaging something (skincare product implied) and Moira asks 'Wait, you're going to put that on your face after it's been on the floor?' David: 'I don't even wear good socks in here!'

Moira · David:Moira tells David they've 'arrived at an awkward moment in our parent/child relationship.' David: 'I'd argue that moment happens daily.'

Moira · David:Moira asks David to search for her nude photos online. David: 'That's a real quick no. Um, you can ask literally anyone else.'

David:David on the search terms: 'Your name, and "nude." Three words I thought I'd only have to type if I was held at gunpoint.'

David:David's reaction beat after the Siamese eels search turns up nothing — his stunned 'Oh... okay, no. There was nothing. I don't see anything.'

Johnny · David:Johnny reflects that he 'never thought I'd be in this situation — getting a ride home from work by my son.' David's beat reaction: 'That's the situation you never thought you'd be in?'

Johnny · David:Johnny begins listing things he did for David — harpsichord lessons — 'I would drive you.' David: 'I was seven.'

Johnny · David:Johnny: 'Nothing, nothing, I'm having a little chat with my son, that's all, do I have to pay for that?' David, deadpan: 'Last I heard, you didn't have to pay...'

Johnny · David:Johnny tells David this is 'so awkward for a father to come to a son for money.' David: 'Well, believe it or not, this is actually not the most awkward parent/son request I've gotten today.'

Johnny · David:Johnny tries to hug David in the car without undoing his seatbelt, resulting in an awkward failed hug. 'Well, I was trying to give you a hug.' David: 'I-I get the gesture.' Johnny: 'I should've undone the seatbelt.'

Johnny · David:The aborted hug resolved: 'High five, son.' David: 'Uh well, okay, okay.' Johnny: 'All right, okay.'

David · Johnny:David asks how much Johnny needs; it escalates: 'A couple hundred, three... four...' — Johnny: '$560.' David: 'So my entire paycheck, then.'

David · Johnny:The ATM eats Johnny's card after repeated failed PIN attempts. David: 'Well, press eject!' Johnny: 'There's no eject on this machine!' David: 'Well, what this? There's eject.' Johnny: 'That's "cancel," that doesn't do anything!'

David · Johnny:David corrects Johnny mid-ATM-crisis: 'It's actually just "pin," you don't have to say "pin number," that's redundant.' Johnny: 'Okay, okay, wow, are you doing this right now?!'

Johnny · David:The ATM eats Johnny's card; they argue about whether 'eject' or 'cancel' or 'the green one' would retrieve it

Johnny · David · Bank Teller:Bank teller retrieves the eaten card and asks if David used the proper PIN. David: 'Yeah, that's what I asked him.' Johnny: 'Of course I used the proper pin. I know my pin number, it's my birthday.' Teller: 'Happy Birthday!' Johnny: 'No, the pin number is my birthday.'

David · Bank Teller:David keeps noting Johnny says 'pin number' instead of 'pin'; the bank teller confirms: 'He keeps saying pin number.'

David:David explains to the teller that they need money because 'my family is in debt. So if you could help me help him, that would be a wonderful thing.'

David · Alexis:David: 'You're working for your ex.' Alexis defends Ted; David: 'Ted also proposed to you twice, so I'd say Ted's decision making skills are a little suspect.'

Johnny · Moira · David:Johnny insists Alexis gave 'more than a cheap card' while David clearly gave actual money. Moira: 'Both my kids are generous.' David's reaction as he has just given his entire paycheck

Alexis · David:David, Ted said that I had to wear scrubs, but what does that mean really? / Um, I think it means you have to wear scrubs.

Alexis · David:Whatever happened to empowering women's sexuality? / I don't think sex appeal is the guiding principle behind nursing uniforms.

David:Putting your name on a line of edible nail polish isn't what I would call having a job.

David:Even the one that poisoned all those people?

David:You look like a stick of gum.

David · Stevie:Wow... Well, if there's anything I can do, just... / I need someone to take care of my stepdaughter. / Okay. Well, if there's anything I can do, just... / I need you to take care of my stepdaughter.

David · Stevie:'Kay, I don't think that's a very good idea. / I'm gonna drop her off at four.

John · Moira · David · Alexis:'Don't Cry Out Loud' by Melissa Manchester blasting loudly through the motel walls at night, punctuated by frantic banging, screaming, and cross-room arguments between all four Roses.

David:David enters, complaining about 'a collection of undershirts hang drying outside my room' and asks if 'a Texas Chainsaw movie is being filmed out there.'

David:David: 'What's Lower SC? I thought this town was just one long street.'

Alexis · David:Alexis: 'It's not really a cute look to be this age, and live at home. No offense, David.'

David · Alexis:David: 'I wonder if you could move out tonight?' Alexis: 'No, because I'm gonna be using my half of the room as a guest bedroom.'

David:David to Stevie: 'just figure out the undershirt situation, there's just so many of them, and it's a lot for me. For my eyes.'

David · Ray:David asks about the moldings. Ray: 'Yes, but we can rip those out.' David: 'Okay well, I'm the one that should be asking the questions.'

David · Ray:Is this a functioning fireplace? — Yes, we found an incinerated squirrel carcass there last week.

David:David: 'Wait, $275 a month for this? That's cheaper than my P.O. Box in New York.'

Ray · Alexis · David:Ray pulls out the lease: 'I thought you'd never ask!' Ray and Alexis share a delighted laugh while David is left out.

Alexis · David:Okay, you don't... you don't even have a car! — Oh my god, if you want the place so badly, David, why don't you just say it?!

David · Alexis:The David/Alexis exchange about who wants the apartment: 'So you don't want it? / No. / So if I said I didn't want the place, you wouldn't... / Okay, so you don't want the place? / I'm just trying to figure out if you want the place!'

David · Alexis:David, back in the motel: 'Just admit that you wanted the place.' Alexis: 'I was just asking questions to help you make the right decision.' David: 'Well, you're a terrible liar, Alexis.'

David:David: 'You know, sometimes at night, I see things. Dark things. Like sometimes there's this old woman that paces back and forth by your bed, waving her hands over your face.'

David:David: 'I don't think her bony fingers ever touch your mouth, though.' Pause. 'Do you ever wake up with chapped lips?'

David · Alexis:Alexis screams 'Mom?' — thinking the ghost might be Moira — and David's response: 'Dad's dead.' (whispered)

David · Alexis:Alexis: 'Ohh, you're such a dick, David!' followed by David making groaning/choking ghost noises as the scene ends.

David:David reacts to Wendy's store signage: 'Okay, this signage is not really on brand.'

David · Wendy:Wendy reveals the Blouse Barn Australia situation — they'll pay $10,000 for the name. David: 'That there's another store called Blouse Barn? No.'

David:David: 'Something seems really sketchy about this, and I'm not just saying that because I have a hard time with Australians. Lotta drunks.'

David:If there's one thing I've learned from 'The Good Wife', it's never accept a first offer.

David:David: 'I just put it on and it needs to breathe a bit, so...'

David · John:David: 'She can't even afford me anymore, so...' — revealing to John he was fired

David:David: 'Technically, I would say I'm in a transition phase at the moment.'

David:Um, it was entirely unhelpful, but thank you nevertheless.

John · David:John says 'Well... anytime, son.' after David has explicitly said his advice was 'entirely unhelpful'

Alexis · David:David is asked if he had a Cosmo Girl subscription at 16 — a long beat, then: 'No.'

David · Alexis:David: 'Oh my God! I'm not being interrogated. This is a negotiation.' / Alexis: 'I'm just trying to prepare you, okay? 'Cause they're gonna eat you alive in there.'

David:David: 'Which is very similar to the meals and not necessarily relevant, so...' — about catering

David:Well, the $10,000 doesn't even cover our legal fees, so...

David:David: 'Well, the point is, judging by your bag and those shoes, Blouse Barn Australia is paying you quite a bit of money to come here and help us switch over our signs.'

David · Wendy:David slides a number across the table — we don't see the figure — and says 'Now, if you'll excuse us, we have another meeting to get to.' / Wendy: 'We're in our store.'

David · Wendy:Wendy presents a 'big check' to David. David: 'It's a big check!' — beat — 'Oh... Um, you don't mean one of those big lottery checks, right?'

David:David's reaction to $40,000: 'Divided? I'm the one who negotiated all of this.'

David · Alexis:Alexis: 'Um, with my help, David.' / David: 'I believe I offered advice.' / Alexis: 'You said Wendy should cave and take the first offer. What you gave was the opposite of advice.'

David:David's attempt to say 'save': 'Shouldn't we be s... s-s-s... Should we be... Trying to sa... save this? Isn't... Shouldn't we be saving... Putting this in a bank? Isn't that what people do?'

Moira · Alexis · John · David:The family pivots from saving to manicures: 'Maybe we could do manicures. I could [get] a manicure. The three of us should go.' / David: 'Wait a minute, just 'cause I do my own nails doesn't mean, you know, I wouldn't go...'

Alexis · David:Alexis: ''Kay, they're just expensive and you wouldn't really appreciate them.' / David: 'Oh yay, David! Yay!'

Johnny · David:Johnny asks the kids to wish Moira a happy anniversary; David asks 'What would you like us to say?'

David · Alexis:'Happy anniversary! Congratulations on your ongoing love for one another. You did it!'

David · Stevie:David discovers Stevie's yearbook and reads her voted superlative: 'Most likely to get the guy' — 'With that haircut?!'

Stevie · David:Stevie retorts: 'I'll have you know I was very popular with the boys. And girls, it seems.' — referencing David's own yearbook.

David:David's headshot got him a two-episode arc — on 'Dateline.' He played a boy abducted from a grocery store.

David:'The performance was so riveting, people thought I actually was the Value-mart victim.'

Stevie · David:Stevie: 'Bet that got you laid.' David: 'It did. It really did.'

David · Stevie:David's telepathy joke: 'Are you telepathic or something, because I've been thinking about asking you that every day this week.'

Stevie · David:Yeah, no. Yeah, no, why wouldn't I be? / Um, were you invited? / Yeah. Yeah.

Jake · David:David discovers the fishy ice cubes made from well water at the party.

David · Jake:Jake introduces himself: 'I'm Jake.' David: 'David. It's nice to meet you, handsome.'

David:Reaction beat: David's flustered exit after meeting Jake — 'I-I'll-I'm gonna... So I'll just...'

Stevie · David:Stevie arrives at the party dressed up: 'Wow. Look at you.' — 'I do what I want. And tonight I'm wanting to meet someone.'

David · Stevie:David tells Stevie the guy at the bar is 'into him,' then reveals it's Jake — the man he just met.

David:'Having swam in both ponds, I can say that I might be able to navigate those waters a little better than you.'

David:David is 'shame eating in private' at the party.

David · Jake:Jake asks 'What is shame eating?' — David: 'I don't think we have enough time for that tonight.'

David:David's awkward 'not here with' clarification about Stevie: 'No, we're not together, I'm very much single, so.'

David:David's woodworking anecdote: 'Christie McFadden accidentally nailed her hand to her paper towel holder, so the lesson is just not to nail stuff...'

Jake · David:Jake: 'I'm a pretty open-minded guy. So why don't you stop by the shop sometime?'

David:David's triumphant 'I knew it!' reaction after Jake leaves.

Stevie · David:Stevie reveals she kissed Jake: 'I kissed him too.' — David: 'Well, that didn't happen.' Stevie: 'Who's to say?'

Stevie · David:So Jake... is into me. / Is he? / Yeah! / What makes you think that? / Because we just necked out behind the barn.

Stevie · David:David: 'When would you have had time to do that?' — Stevie: 'Did he invite you to his wood shop? Sorry, that came out wrong.'

Johnny · Moira · David · Alexis:'Smells like grass in here.' — 'Oh my God!' 'Oh my God!'

Johnny · Moira · David:Johnny announces 'Tonight we are dancing as a family.' — David: 'What is happening?'

David · Alexis:After Moira finally says 'We love you both very much' — David and Alexis respond with flat, unemotional 'Love you too' in unison.

Moira · David:David accused of bedazzling a portfolio while dressed as a harlequin

David:David: 'I haven't bedazzled anything since I was 22.'

Moira · David · Jake:Moira walks in on David with Jake — her horrified reaction beat as she processes the scene

Jake · David:Moira: 'Hi, uh, I'm-I'm Jake.' / David: 'Oh, of course you are.'

Moira · David:David: 'Stop acting like a disgruntled pelican!'

David · Alexis · Jake:David and Alexis both react to seeing Jake at Alexis's workplace — their overlapping 'oh hi' and confused body language

Alexis · David:Alexis: 'He dropped me off at work this morning.' / David: 'He WHAT?!'

Jake · David · Alexis:Jake reveals he didn't know David and Alexis were related, and that he assumed they were both 'cool with it'

Moira · David:Hey, hey, David, isn't that your friend? / Oh, I didn't recognize him clothed.

Moira · David:David, is he here to s... / Oh my God, I literally told him to never come back here while you people were home.

David:I'm just gonna walk, 'cause I don't even care what's going on right now. Keep walking, okay?! Walk, walk, walk!

Jake · David:It's just a casual hang, you know, we talked about it. / Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's totally fine, I'm just... I'm tasting metal, for some reason.

David:So you can share a boyfriend, but you can't share a piece of cake?

David:I'm not sharing a boyfriend. Stevie and I are both dating Jake, at the same time, like sexually evolved human beings.

Moira · David:Oh, okay, because in my experience with throuples... / We're not a 'throuple!'

David:That's not true, and please don't include Mom in an analogy about my relationship, thank you!

Moira · David:David, lunch today? / No. / Oh, okay. Well, I'll dine alone.

Alexis · David · Moira:See?! / See what? / Alexis seems to think you like me more. / Alexis, don't be ridiculous! This is exactly the kind of paranoia that makes me wary of spending time with you.

Stevie · David:Something wrong? / No! [followed by immediate scene cut]

David:I went to dinner with my family, and you had a... romantic rendezvous with someone that we're both seeing.

David · Stevie:If you knew somebody was planning on breaking up with you, wouldn't you wanna be the one to break up with him first? / Okay, if you think he's going to break up with you and you wanna be the first one to do it, I say, be the first one to do it.

David · Stevie:I need to be more direct. / Yes, by just telling him how you feel. / I meant you! / Me? / I'm trying to warn you... / That you are going to be ending things with him. / And I appreciate that, but message has been delivered.

David · Stevie:Uh, what are you doing here? / I'm meeting Jake. / To break up with him? / No, I thought you spoke to him on the phone before?

Jake · David · Stevie:Sorry I'm late, guys. Oh, you both look amazing. Great. Muah! / Oh. Hi... / Hey. Muah! / Mhmm. / Sit, please.

David · Jake:No, I think there's been a mix-up here. I don't think I should be here for this. / Oh, no, no, I think it's very important that you're here for this.

Johnny · David:Or will you be taking turns? / Um, first of all, what are you doing here! And second, we're gonna need a minute. So...

Jake · David:Stevie, we talked about this. / You talked about this?!

David · Jake:You said you didn't want to make things complicated! / Yeah, that's why I invited you both here.

David · Stevie:Wow, okay. Hmm, I think maybe I... misread the situation here. / Yeah, I think that's a pretty accurate realization. / Uh huh! Might've done.

David · Jake · Stevie:maybe it's best we all just... take a step back from this. / Okay. / Yeah, maybe that's... that's the best thing to do.

Jake · David · Stevie:This one's for you, Muah! / And you. / Oh! I get one. / Mhmm, Muah!

David · Stevie:To be clear, you were going to go on a date with him, knowing that he had just broken up with me? / No I wasn't. / Uh, you showed up for the date. / No I didn't. / You're literally here in the restaurant!

David:Fair enough, I would've done the same thing.

David:I would rather drive a scooter. And we all know how I feel about scooters, those... stupid helmets.

David · Johnny · David:Okay, well, I'm gonna need the car on Friday nights. — Absolutely not. — Meaning that I would get it Saturday.

David · Moira · David:Not dressed like that, you can't. — You bought me this dress, David. — I know! And it cost twice as much as the car you wanna buy.

David:No used car salesman is gonna cut you a deal dressed in archival designer silk.

David:Wow! I am blinded by the disenfranchisement.

David · Stevie:Someone died. — Okay, I'm just finding the bulbs to make my skin look very jaundice-y.

Stevie · David · Stevie · David · Stevie:Okay, I can't tell if we're still joking... or not? — I'm not. — Okay, and now I can't tell whether you're playing into the joke, or whether um... you're telling the truth. — She was 78. — So you're not joking.

David:Why, you didn't kill her.

David:I mean, she was a mess, but I liked her. That's probably why I liked her.

David:I'd like you to finish that sentence.

David:I don't think you could handle it. This whole thing is super depressing.

David:Yes, it is.

David:That side of my family has a bit of a reputation for conflict. And philandering. And fraud. And gun-play.

David · Funeral Home Director:We'll just get this one, I guess. — Well, that's the shipping tube we pack the urns in.

David:David and Stevie's rapid exit — 'Okay, I think we got what we came here for, so we-I think we can just... thank you so much.'

David · Stevie:Um, yeah, you're right, this is a bit depressing. Are we sure this is the right place? — She was very specific about where she wanted to be scattered.

David · Stevie:Ooh, it smells like cigarettes. — Ohhh...

Stevie · David · Stevie:Um... do we scatter it all, or do we... save some for later? — Later?! — I don't know!

Stevie · David · David:This is gonna be me. — Well, theoretically, it's gonna be all of us. — Um, although I'm hoping that when I pass, there'll be a little more fanfare.

Stevie · David · Stevie:My great aunt worked at the motel. Front desk. — You never told me that. — Yep. So I just need to take up palm reading, get a few cats, move to Saskatchewan. Well, a girl could dream.

David:And if they're not, I'll be sure to scatter your ashes in a much nicer parking lot.

David · Stevie · David · Stevie:To Maureen Budd, and not following too closely in her footsteps. — So we're drinking to me not becoming an alcoholic? — Mhmm. — Off to a good start.

David · Stevie · Stevie · David:When did you have this photo taken? — That's not me. — That's Maureen. — Mmm.

David:Okay, well, just because you bear a vague physical resemblance, does not mean that you... will end up in an apartment with newspaper for curtains.

David:Okay, this is not going to be you.

David:Okay, this still doesn't mean that you are going to be anything like her! I mean sure, on the surface, it is a step in that direction, but, you know, um, okay, you know what? Let's clear some of this stuff.

David · Johnny:You look like a contestant on 'The Price Is Right.' — Well, it worked, because the price was right.

David · Moira · David:How much did you pay for this? — David, it's not polite to ask what you paid for something. — It says $7,250 right there.

David · Moira · David · Moira:Well, that's way over budget! — Well, that's not what we paid for it. — Well, what did you pay for it?! — $6,000 quid, love.

David · Moira · David:Uh, tell that to your outfit. — This is your outfit. — What?!

Johnny · David · Johnny:Look, the important thing is, we now have a car! — Is this a car for dead people? — No, it's not a hearse!

David:Were all the other cars on fire, then?

Johnny · David:Johnny asks David if he has his wallet, then pivots immediately to asking if he has his license — already telegraphing something is wrong before David even answers.

David:David: '(Sighs) It's expired.'

David · Johnny:Johnny: 'When did your license expire?!' / David: 'I don't know! Like, last month.'

David · Johnny:David: 'Well, I drove the car yesterday!' / Johnny: 'Well, that's illegal, David!'

Alexis · David:Alexis gasps dramatically and announces David took 16 tries to get his license.

David · Alexis:David's meticulous correction of the 16 tries claim: 'I failed the written test twice, and then took the driving test, and passed! And then your learner's permit expired, and you had to do the written test again, which you... failed.'

Moira · David:Moira asks David to 'drive your mummy to Town Hall' immediately after it's been established he cannot legally drive.

David:David: 'I'm just hoping I contract some deadly lung infection from the dust before I have to open another one.'

Patrick · David:Patrick: 'Um well, I wouldn't really worry about it, I managed several galleries, and never once looked at the paperwork, so. It either all comes together, or it doesn't. Ultimately.' / David: 'Did it ever come together?'

David:David: 'Oh yeah, that's not gonna happen right now.'

David · Moira:David: 'Isn't that for transport trucks?!' / Moira: 'Yes, well, I had a lot of people to move!'

David:David: 'Oh my God! I'll tell you what's not helping me right now! This!'

David:David: 'Okay, I'm gonna need you to step out of the car for 20 minutes, so that I can do my transcendental meditation before I fail this test.'

David · Alexis:The driving examiner approaches the car — David and Alexis freeze mid-argument.

Alexis · David:Alexis: 'Nobody cares.' / David: 'I got it!'

Examiner · David:The driving examiner calls David 'Derek' and then 'Rose' before getting to 'David Rose.'

David:David: 'I just didn't want you thinking you had gotten in the wrong car.'

David · Examiner:David asks the examiner mid-driving-test: 'How old are you?' / 'Twenty-eight.' / 'And is this like, what you would like to do for a career?'

David:David deduces: 'So you don't really care about this. Like, about me, in the car. I mean, you care in the sense that it's your job, but you don't-you don't care about this, do you?'

Examiner · David:Examiner: 'I've done like, eight of these today.' / David: 'Is that a problem?' / Examiner: 'No.'

David:David and Alexis drive home; David confirms he passed, then describes the examiner: 'Slightly distracted. Transitioning to a career as a DJ, but apparently none of the venues around here could handle his sound.'

Alexis · David:Alexis: 'See? I told you. He didn't care.' / David: 'You never trust me!' / David: '...Yes, I do.' / Alexis: 'No, you don't!' — The circular argument that immediately follows his test success.

David:David: 'Not Mom and Dad. Me!' — after describing organizing temporary passports and colored contact lenses for Alexis

David:David: 'I was the one at home, not having fun because I was... constantly worried which East Asian palace Alexis was being held hostage in this week. Not Mom and Dad. Me!'

David · Alexis:Alexis: 'Well, you didn't have to worry about me.' / David: 'Well, I did.' — Beat. The car is quiet.

David:David: 'Yeah I just feel like the whole session was rushed. Like, there was no back lighting, or emotional direction.'

Alexis · David:Alexis: 'Nobody likes their driver's license photo, David.' / David: 'Okay yeah, I was just hoping I would get some options.'

Johnny · David · Alexis · Moira:Johnny: 'Have you been in there the whole time?!' — Johnny has apparently been in the bathroom fixing the faucet while the family gathered in the room.

David:David: 'You changed it so that the hot water comes out of the cold water tap?'

Johnny · Moira · David · Alexis:The faucet chaos escalates: Moira reports steam, nobody can turn it off, and someone burns their hand — culminating in Johnny: 'See? No drip.'

Moira · David:Moira asks David if he has safety pins, then immediately pivots to 'your agent called'

David · Moira:'Ginnifer? Or Jennifer with a G?' / 'There's more than one!'

Moira · David:David's email inbox contains 'hot singles in my area' instead of the agent's message

Moira · David:'Attractive and spunky forty-something female.' / 'In my sleep!'

David · Moira:The film is 'The Crows Have Eyes... Two' — a sequel to a film no one has heard of

Moira · David:'It's a sequel, that's good. It must mean the first one was a big success.' / 'I've never heard of it.'

Moira · David:Moira requests a drop cloth, a ring light, and then David suggests propping his phone against books

David:'And so it begins again.' — David's weary reaction to being drafted into Moira's productions

Moira · David:Moira's counting process: 'Start from five, you leave out the two and the one.' / 'Why?' / 'Because it's my process.'

David:David critiques: 'This is just one big rip off of The Birds!'

David · Moira:'Look, they've taken Clara!' / 'Where are they carrying her to, Clara?' / Are there two Claras?!

David:'The next scene takes place in a large bird's nest.'

David:'I actually think you do play off a corpse in the next scene.'

David · Moira:'This is all playing a bit big.' / 'Hmph! Big.' / 'And would that be a note? A note, coming from my son?'

Moira · David:Moira attempts to count herself in but David's phone camera beeps and apparently dies before she gets through her count

David:David: 'This isn't one of those animal rights viral videos where the bunnies go through a meat processor in the end, is it?'

David:'Okay, my account is private, thanks.'

David · Alexis:'Ted is taking his clothes off.' / 'You wish, David.' / 'No, Ted is getting naked on your webcam!'

David:'I'm obsessed with this.' — David watching Ted strip on the bunny cam

David · Alexis:'Ted looks good.' / 'Yeah, he does.' / 'David, he looks really good.' / 'Okay, that's gross.'

David · Moira:'You booked it.' — David reading the email to Moira

David:The film is being shot 'in a city I don't know the name of... a lot of consonants'

David:David reads the shooting location: 'It's filming in Bosnia! Um, in a city that I don't, I don't know the name of the city, I can't pronounce it, a lot of consonants.'

David · Moira:The film is being released in Bosnia, Croatia, Herzegovina — 'before opening internationally!'

David · Moira:'You have to fly yourself there?' / 'Mmm, that doesn't sound right.'

David · Moira:David: 'You have to fly yourself there?' Moira: 'Mmm, that doesn't sound right.'

David · Moira:'Ooh, accommodation is covered.' / 'Thank God!' / 'You'll be put up with a local family.'

David:'They're paying you scale.' / 'But it'll be in Baltic currency.'

David:'There's a death waiver?!'

David:'Yeah, but we haven't even gotten to the section on bird safety yet!'

David:David's amazement that mail still exists: 'Did you know you can still get mail? No, but I'm talking about like, mail, mail. Like a little man in a uniform, with his satchel full of letters, traveling door to door.'

David · Alexis:Alexis corrects David that mail delivery is free; David says 'I don't think so...'

David:David: 'How far into the 15 minutes do you think we are?'

Alexis · David:Alexis circled 'Stars and Cosmology' on a college brochure thinking it said 'Cosmetology'

David:David's reaction when Alexis reveals she's looking at courses: 'Okay, this is sort of my thing, though.'

David · Alexis:David: 'Well, it's not like they're gonna be like, "oh, you don't have your high school diploma, you can't come to our college."' Alexis: 'That's almost word for word what they just said to me on the phone.'

David:David: 'Well... I just don't think I have that kind of time.' — after the conversation about college, immediately pivoting to

David:David immediately pivots from the education conversation to: 'Okay, what are you doing? / Reorganizing my knits!'

David:David's IMDB Rosa Parks discovery: 'Did you know that according to IMDB, Rosa Parks was in an episode of "Touched By an Angel?"'

David:David: 'I'm at the buffet, and there is nothing to taste!'

David:David's flat refusal: 'Fine, I will make a surprise appearance. But it's twice around the room, and then I'm out.'

David · Alexis:Alexis: 'Didn't you say on your resume that you did four years at UCLA?' / 'Yes... technically, if you consider Bel Air an extension of the campus, which everybody does.'

David:David: 'Truth be told, it took me a minute to finish high school myself.' He and some friends followed the American Idol tour.

Alexis · David:Alexis: 'I really wish you hadn't told me that last little bit, but... thank you.' David: 'That makes two of us.'

David · Moira:David: 'Okay, that's a bit much.' / Moira: 'I blame myself.'

Moira · David:Moira's phone call during golf practice: 'Rose residence. / You know who this is. / May I ask who's calling?'

David · Moira:David: 'You know who this is, and you know where I am.' / Moira: 'Did everyone show up?' / David: 'Yes, everybody showed up.' / Moira: 'Good, then my work is done.'

David:Yeah, this is an iconic moment in all of our lives, and I think we should experience it to the fullest.

Johnny · David · Moira:She doesn't mean you, Alexis. / Uh, it wasn't that bad. / That's the heartbreaking part, He was so blissfully unaware.

David · Alexis · Johnny · Moira:Okay, I think you're brave. / Well, that's very nice of you to say, David. / Okay, he's being sarcastic! / What?! / Oh. / It's a defense mechanism. From all the bullying.

David:I can't tell what's more tragic, the fact that the only store in town is closing, or that they've decided to display fungal cream beside the cereal boxes.

David:I don't wanna hear you say fungal again.

David:Yeah, it's like they knew what the consumer wanted, and then ran in the opposite direction.

David:Okay, your eyebrows never move, so I can't tell whether you're being serious or not.

David · Moira:I have actually been thinking about going back to work. / That's wonderful! You've received an offer? / Um, it's more of a plan for an idea of a-a thing that I will be working at.

David · Moira:I plan to submit a lease application for the general store. / Ha! Oh! Can you imagine? / Not seizing on this opportunity.

David · Moira:You're the one that's been telling me to get back to work! / I did? / Oh my God!

Moira · David:Moira repeating David's statements back to him as questions: 'All on your own?' / 'You have?' / 'I did?'

David:Thank you! That's all you had to say.

David · Moira:Oh hi, how are you? / Very busy. / How am I?! Terrific!

David:Aside from the fact that I caught wind that Christmas World was moving into the general store. Just when I thought that the taste levels in this town were already scraping the bottom of the barrel.

Moira · David:Never on your own, and never without a safety net. / I don't know how many times I have to thank you for the start-up money! But I opened those galleries myself. / And who do you think bought all that art, and sold out all your shows? / Uh, my patrons. / And who do you think bought all your patrons?

David:So you're telling me that my entire professional career was a sham?!

David · Patrick:I just find it extremely violating. / Because your parents threw money at you? / Yes! They paid for everything, it's like a form of child abuse.

David:Who's to say?!

David:And what's that, your friends at Christmas World are looking for a deeply embittered, mildly Hebraic-looking elf?!

David · Johnny:What's continental about that? / It's for business travelers, travelling the continent, eating breakfast, and... continental travelling.

David:That doesn't sound even remotely correct.

Johnny · David:You know this bun added a star to our rating? / How many did we have before? / Not the point!

David:Yes, the last thing we want to do is stain these exquisite table tops.

David:Moira, you're having a drink, you glance down at your coaster, it says 'tweet us on Facebook!' And you say, yeah, yeah, okay, I think I will.

David · Johnny:Is that what it says? / Yes David, that's what it says, you're not the only one with an online presence.

David:Um, I was referring to a web address. Or a Twitter handle.

Patrick · David:David Rose, you bought the General Store. / Leased.

David · Patrick:I'm oscillating between two names at the moment, so if we could just leave that one blank, that would be great. / Sure, sure. Give you more time to... oscillate.

David:I don't know what that means.

David:Um well, it's a General Store, but it's also a very specific store. And it's also not just a store... it's like a place where people can come and get coffee, um, or drinks, but it's not a coffee shop, nor is it a bar.

David:Yeah, it's an environment. Um... And yes, we will be selling things, but it's more like... more like a branded immersive experience.

David:Okay, you couldn't use anything I just said?

David:Um... you're either very impatient, or extremely sure of yourself.

Patrick · David:I threw you a bit of a change-up there, huh? / Yeah, again, I don't know what that means, I don't play cricket.

Patrick · David:Look, take this, it's my card, and I feel like you will need it. / Uh, you know what, I think I'm good.

Stevie · David:Some guy who's working at Ray's told you your business was a failure? / Basically, yeah.

David:That's disgusting! / Uh, and yes. Yeah.

David:So I messed up my form. And I'm going to need another... [long pause] ...form from you.

Patrick · David:'Rose Apothecary,' you know, it's just pretentious enough. / Would we call that pretentious, or... timeless?

David:Ciao! [David says ciao leaving the office]

David:I would love to read this economics paper.

David · John:David reveals he has the keys — and when asked why his name isn't on the sheet, says 'Because you're the only one using that sign-out sheet'

David · Moira:David argues parents are supposed to put their children before themselves; Moira invokes airplane safety videos — 'a mother puts her own mask on first'

David · Alexis:David condescendingly dismisses Alexis's business input as things she's 'very excited about' from 'your high school intro to business course'

David · Alexis:Alexis insists she got the hand cream — David specifies he wanted THE BOX of hand cream, not to sample it; Alexis: 'That's like 53 pounds'

Patrick · David:Patrick: 'Well, I don't have my textbook on me.' David: 'I stand corrected.'

David:David: 'I think you might actually need to break a sweat in order to earn sweat equity'

David · Alexis:David: 'Are you passing this economics course?' Alexis: 'Yes. Yeah. Yes, I'm pretty sure.'

David · Alexis:David tells Alexis there 'won't be anybody for you to flirtatiously boss around' — referring to Patrick

David:David: 'He's a business major who wears straight leg, mid-range denim. He's not into me.'

David · Alexis:David distracts Alexis from the Patrick conversation by telling her she missed a spot with the highlighter — she immediately looks

David · Patrick:Patrick returns to the store, David assumes his license has been revoked — Patrick: 'No, no. You're all good.' David: 'Okay. Um...'

Patrick · David:Patrick confesses he picked out the frame for the business license — 'they don't all come framed'

David:David: 'So thank you for making it very clear that I will be making the creative decisions for the store. And I guess you can handle all the business stuff.'

David · Alexis:David bursts in asking 'Mom slept with Roland?' — Alexis confirms 'Yes. Apparently.'

David:David asks if there's going to be 'a custody battle over us' and whether they'll have to 'spend weekends over at Roland's'

Alexis · David:Alexis: 'I get it, Roland is the mayor, and it's very difficult to work with someone who you're attracted to.' David: 'Yeah. Like you and Ted?' Alexis: 'No! I'm making fun of mom and dad right now, David.'

David:David to John and Moira: 'I just want you to know that no matter what anyone says, you will always be our first dad. Good night.'

Moira · David:Moira announces Sebastien Raine is coming; David reveals he's his ex

David · Moira:You mean my ex? / When did you date Sebastien Raine?

Alexis · David:They dated for like a month and a half and David got very upset about it. / It was almost three months. Four, if you include the month that he was seeing other people.

Moira · David:And you met him through me. / That's nonsense. I met Sebastien Raine at an art opening years ago. / At my gallery.

David:And can you please stop saying his full name. He's a monster, who uses people, and leaves them for dead.

David:It wasn't a whole year. And I will not feel shame about the mall pretzels.

David · Moira:Okay, that's enough news for today. [David starts to leave] Ummm no, what about him?

Moira · David:He's coming here. / When flying me to New York would be a lot easier. And a welcome escape.

David:He's most likely wearing a very expensive sweater, that doesn't look very expensive.

Stevie · David:Is he like, really... Really handsome in a homeless-y way sort of way? Yes. / Yup. Then he is coming here.

Stevie · David:He's walking. He's walking towards here. And now he's coming in. Now he's coming in... and so he's here. He's here.

Sebastien · Stevie · David:I like your sweater. / You must be David's girlfriend. / No... / No, I own The Motel, so that makes me more like your landlord? / No. It doesn't.

Sebastien · Stevie · David:I'd love to Polaroid you naked one day. / Okay. / Okay?!

Sebastien · Stevie · David:Yeah, I just feel like we have unfinished business, you and I. / Room five is available. / Room five sounds great.

Sebastien · David:So brave. / Hm-hm. / So brave. / Okay.

David · Moira:So he photographed you today then? / Hm-hm. You know just a few dozen snaps about town... picturettes, really.

David · Moira:Why would you have allowed this to happen? / I don't know he just started shooting and shouting and I did what he told me to do and I 'leaned in' to the moment. / How did that work out for you? / I leaned in! I don't know, David. Why don't you try it... sometime!

Sebastien · David:The photos are really haunting. / Haunting. / Sure she'd be thrilled about that adjective.

David · Sebastien:Oh... / Well, I shouldn't. / Oh you should. / Okay, fine, but um, I can't stay.

David:Oh, you mean this memory card? Yeah, I'd give it back, but I don't think it'll be of much use to you. It accidentally fell out of your camera into my hand last night. And then fell out of my hand into my drink. And then I stepped on it a lot. So...

Moira · David:David, I feel terrible that you had to do that just for me. / It wasn't just for you. Let's just say we both won.

David:Can everyone stop saying lice please?!

David · Alexis · Moira:Okay, how do I know that she didn't give me her lice? [Alexis: You don't have lice.] Nobody here has lice! No, no, you do! You-you have the lice! Ah! Ughhh!

David:Hm! Are you talking to me? I'm not used to that ah, level of kindness.

David:I'm going to ignore that passive aggression, and instead, lean in to the fact that we're both working professionals now, and Mama Oprah would be very proud of us.

David:Yeah um, that would be a shower cap.

David:I can't afford to have the store infested with lice.

Stevie · David:Did you ask if you can drink it, too? [David: Okay, it says body milk on the label!]

David:What do we think body milk is, if not milk for your body?!

David:Okay, is this how this is gonna go? Because we have way too much work to do today for me to feel attacked by way of an imbalanced social dynamic.

David:It's almost as if you want me to get the lice.

Patrick · David · Stevie:You can crash at my place tonight if you need to. [David: Thank you. But Stevie offered her place this morning.] Oh. [Pause] Can I crash at your place?

David:This is a lot nicer than I expected. For some reason I pictured you living underground. In like, a bomb shelter? Yeah like, bomb shelter aspects.

David:Look at what you've done to this place! Look at all this stuff! Look at that frame on the wall that you put there. Look at that Sarah McLachlan poster!

David:Who's dissing Sarah McLachlan? I followed Lilith Fair for two summers. So...

David:Uh-oh! Two toothbrushes? Hello!

David:I'm sorry, is that a soft, yet affirmative indication that you miss me?

David:Okay, I just see two de-shelled hard-boiled eggs in a bag, should I be scared for you?

David:Oh, in the freezer, okay. There she is! Look at that, look at her, go. What a gift.

David · Stevie:I shouldn'tve eaten those eggs. [Stevie: I can't believe I'm trapped under a blanket with you knowing you ate those eggs.]

David · Stevie:I bet Patrick's fridge is fully stocked. [Stevie: What does that mean?!] It means he's got his life together. He's a pretty eligible bachelor. Patrick.

David · Stevie:What? He's my business partner. / Oh, aren't they all.

David:Yeah, because we're in business together, and compliment each other professionally.

David · Stevie:Yes, because unlike you and I, he's extremely generous, and has absolutely no ulterior motive. [Stevie: Then why are you here and not there?] Because you asked me first. [Stevie: I didn't, though.]

David · Stevie:Because we're in business together, and I don't know what his preferences are. [Stevie: Well, you're not gonna find out what his preferences are on a sleepover with me.]

Stevie · David:Guest bedroom, what is he, Bill Gates? [David: Yes, he's Bill Gates.]

Stevie · David:I like this for you. [David: Like what? There's nothing to like.] You seem flustered. [David: I'm not flus... Maybe it's the eggs.]

David:Um, am I reading this right? 'The Moira's Rose's Garden.'

David:So the garden is dedicated to a rose that Moira owns?

Alexis · Johnny · David:I don't think that there are enough apostrophes. [Beat] I don't even see a rose in the garden. [Beat] Because there aren't any roses. [Beat] Or are we the Roses?

Johnny · Moira · David:Okay, enough, enough. This is still a very big honor for your mother. Is it not? / Mhm... / Yes? / Mhm.

David · Alexis:Um, I hope you got a really good deal on this. [Alexis: It's by the letter, so he paid extra for those apostrophe 'S's.']

David:David refuses to attach his name to a gift he had no hand in selecting

Roland · David · Johnny:Roland repeatedly raises his price offer to help carry the portrait inside, going from $20 to $30 to $40 as David keeps getting called and not hearing

David · Moira:David can't tell if the room is very small or the portrait is very big — 'I think it's quite possible that both are true'

David · Patrick:David refuses to share his juice, explaining he doesn't 'normally share beverages with people'

David · Patrick:David's 'clean mouth' vs. 'sloppy mouth' theory for beverage sharing

David:David's Gwyneth Paltrow/goop soft launch justification

David · Patrick:David withholds the juice at the end of the scene: 'No. You've got a sloppy mouth.'

David:David walks in on the giant portrait and asks 'Did it grow?'

David · Moira · Johnny:David's business-speak slip: 'It's always better to go under... Go under? David, if the business is foundering—'

Johnny · David:Johnny's discount math: 'What if your mother and I go in and buy something together? Does that mean we get a 50 percent discount?'

Twyla · David:Twyla brings tuna melts that weren't ordered: 'I didn't order tuna melts, but I don't have time...'

Twyla · David:Twyla has told people about the 'big store opening' — David corrects: 'which is why you would be invited as a friend'

Roland · David:Roland appears: asks if both he and Gwen get plus-ones OR have to be each other's plus-ones. David: 'Who's Gwen?'

David · Patrick:Patrick reveals Patrick told 'everyone on the pre-approved list' — it's spread to Twyla's whole family: 75 people

David · Patrick:The 'soft/firm/hard launch' sexual innuendo exchange between David and Patrick

David:David is confronted in line by 'Darleen's cousin' who tells him to go to the back of the line at his own store: 'Who the fuck are you?'

David:David's response to being cursed at: 'That kind of language, folks, will not be tolerated at Rose Apothecary. Thank you. This is a safe place.'

David:David describing being 'verbally assaulted by a very off-brand customer'

Moira · David:Moira: 'I have really underestimated you... Who knew you had so many friends. Or family members, for that matter.'

David · Patrick:David realizes he never called the electrician; Patrick reveals he watched YouTube tutorials and wired the lights himself

David:David: 'Softly.' — as the doors to the soft launch are being opened

David:David: 'Softly.' as the instruction for opening the store doors

David:Customer's question: 'This says foot cream on it. What happens if I use it on my hand?' David: 'I'm pretty sure your hands are gonna be fine.'

Roland · Jocelyn · David:Roland asks if he and Jocelyn both buy foot cream simultaneously, does that count as a 50% discount — David: 'Have you been talking to my dad?'

Jocelyn · David:Jocelyn asks if the Joshua tree tea is drugs — 'Is it drugs?'

David:David explaining the tea came from 'Mr. Hockley who makes it out of a greenhouse on his farm... and now that I've said it out loud, I might have to double-check.'

Patrick · David:Patrick: 'I can fix that.' — immediately after the store's success, something in the store breaks/is wrong

Alexis · Johnny · David:Alexis defends the portrait: 'Speak for yourself, I look super cute.' Johnny: 'Okay, that's not actually your body though.' Alexis: 'Okay, but it's my face, David.'

David · Johnny:David: 'There's something really weird happening with Mom's eyes. It's like they're following me.' Johnny/others: 'Oh, they are.' David: 'Oh God.'

Alexis · Moira · David:Alexis reveals her high school graduation is this Friday and she didn't tell her family because she doesn't want them to come

David:David: 'Yeah, I'm not going. I was at your first graduation and it's not my fault that you weren't there.'

David:David's birthday excuse: 'It's my birthday.'

David · Moira · Johnny:The family's awkward, unconvincing attempt to claim they 'didn't forget' David's birthday — Moira says they've been 'talking about it for weeks,' David corrects it to 'you've been talking about it for weeks'

David · Alexis:David: 'Yeah. I'm very uninterested in that option.' / Alexis: 'As am I.'

David · Moira:David reacts with 'Ugh' and 'Woof... David' — reaction beat as David presumably sees himself in graduation attire or in a mirror

David · Patrick:David hints at his family forgetting his birthday via the leading question 'Has your family ever forgotten your birthday? Like your parents and your sister, collectively, as a whole?'

David:David: 'Ah, I plan on popping a pill, crying a bit and falling asleep early. So just a regular weeknight.'

David · Patrick:David and Patrick's elaborate performance of enthusiasm about Café Tropical's menu — 'Dare we try the deep fried mozzarella stick platter?' / 'They do a lovely wine pairing with that so...'

David:David's elaborate rationale for wearing a dinner jacket to Café Tropical: he didn't want to wear one of theirs

David:David: 'In case you didn't know, I'm widely popular. Some might even venture to call me beloved.'

Patrick · David · Stevie:Patrick arrives and the table awkward 'did I not tell you?' exchange — revealing he didn't tell David that Stevie was coming

Stevie · David:Stevie to David in the bathroom: 'He bought you a present. It's very nicely wrapped. So I think I'm crashing a date?'

David:David: 'No, I noticed that.'

Patrick · David · Stevie:Patrick finds the gift on the table after being opened: 'Oh, I see you found my present.' / 'Um, yeah. We just didn't want anything to spill on it.' / 'So you put it on the table?'

David:David's reaction to the gift: 'This is the first gift I haven't bought myself in a very long time.'

David · Patrick:David's awkward frame compliment: 'Um, this is a very solid frame.' / Patrick: 'Thank you, I'm learning.'

David · Patrick:David: 'I'm really glad you decided to invest in your business, David.' / Patrick: '...And I'm so glad you did, Patrick, because you've really helped to turn it into the success that it is.' / Patrick: 'Hmm. A bold claim.'

David:David: 'Um, I've never done that before... with a guy.'

David:David: 'Well, um, fortunately, I'm a very generous person.'

David:David: 'Just preferably not before 10 a.m., 'cause I'm not really a morning person.'

David · Alexis:'Happy birthday, David.' / 'Happy graduation, Alexis.' — siblings sharing a quiet moment

Johnny · Moira · David · Alexis:The family attempts 'For He's a Jolly Good Fellow' — with escalating pronoun chaos: 'For she's a jolly good fellow' / 'For they're two jolly good fellows' / 'For graduating today AND being born today'

David:David: 'Okay, I think this is really pulling focus from my birthday a bit though.'

David:David: 'You do know that this is your first day at Elmdale College, and not Vogue, right?'

David · Alexis:David's excuse for not taking the garbage out: 'I like, just put something in it that made it full, though.' Then Alexis: 'Yeah, and you're already wearing your little gloves, though.'

David · Alexis:David: 'This is the same college where Malala gave that devastating commencement speech, right?' Alexis: 'I don't know, David, maybe he did.'

Moira · David:Moira: 'Someone needs to talk to her!' David: 'Well, don't look at me, I'm pretty sure she already knows it's a mistake!'

David:David: 'I am not in a place right now to be emotionally available to a baby.'

Johnny · David:Johnny: 'You spend a lot of time with Alexis, you could've done a better job looking out for her!' David: 'Okay, I'm sorry I'm not a condom.'

David · Patrick:Patrick applying eucalyptus eye serum to David while David explains he needs a 'steady hand' because he's 'going through a lot right now.'

David · Customer:Customer walks in: 'Hi, I was looking for some uh...' David: 'Yeah, we don't sell that.' [Beat.] Customer: 'Bath salts?' David: 'We actually do sell those.'

David · Patrick:David: 'Okay, between Alexis getting knocked up, and us not having enough privacy to connect, I'm feeling very shaken.' Patrick: 'Do you think you're gonna make it, though?' David: 'Unclear. Unclear on whether I'm gonna make it through or not.'

David · Stevie:Stevie tells David and Patrick the store is closed on a Friday at 1pm. David: 'Okay, is there something I can help you with?' Stevie: 'Do you give all your customers this kind of VIP treatment?'

David · Patrick · Stevie:David covers for why the store is closed: 'Patrick and I were working on fixing a uh... a light bulb in the back.' Then Patrick appears with an obvious hickey on his neck.

David · Patrick:David: 'Because that would be disgusting, and wildly unprofessional.' Then: 'David, did you give me a hickey?!' David: 'Okay no, I didn't, I gave you a half hickey, because we haven't had the time or the privacy for me to give you a full hickey!'

David · Stevie · Patrick:Stevie offers her apartment for David and Patrick. David: 'Why? Why would you do that?' Stevie: 'Because I care about you two.' David: 'Okay, and where will you be?'

Patrick · David · Stevie:Patrick: 'That is super generous, but wouldn't it be a little bit weird, us having alone time at your place? Especially because you guys have...' Stevie/David: 'Oh God no! No, we've never... No, never, ew! We've never done that there. Never. I still live there.'

David:David: 'I mean, we could consider it.' [Beat — referring to having used Stevie's apartment at some point]

David · Stevie · Patrick:David asks 'What exactly is the catch?' Stevie says 'No catch.' [Long pause, David and Patrick look at each other.] They take the apartment. Stevie immediately takes a bottle of something from the store. David: 'So there's a bit of a catch.'

David:David: 'I noticed the line is a couple inches above where the whiskey starts.' David: 'I am stunned by your generosity.'

David · Patrick · Stevie:David asks where exactly Stevie is going. Patrick: 'She already told us, so maybe just say thank you.' David: 'Oh no, I did, I did say thank you multiple times.' Patrick: 'Um, what is the name of the spa?'

David · Jake:David sees Jake. Jake: 'David. Wow, it's been a while.' David: 'Pony.'

David:David, addressing Jake's 'date night in the woods' plan: 'Yeah, just galloping around the woods, huh? Yeah, with your pony.'

David · Stevie:David: 'So you offering your apartment had nothing to do with any guilt you felt about harboring a little secret?' Stevie: 'Nope. Just trying to be a good person, so.'

Jake · David · Stevie:Jake: 'Unless you two wanna come?' David: 'Nope! I don't think so.' Jake: 'Come on.' Stevie: 'You do you.'

David · Patrick:Patrick: 'So we're gonna talk about this, right?' David: 'Yep, I'm just gonna grab that bottle of...' Patrick: 'Whiskey?' David: 'Yeah, the whiskey.'

David · Patrick:David and Patrick make a toast to 'privacy' in Stevie's apartment with the marked whiskey bottle visible.

David · Patrick:David processes the Jake/Stevie situation: 'So this is for you. Um... cheers to privacy.' [But then:] 'Sorry, I've just gotta go through that one more time. So you dated Jake and then Stevie dated Jake.'

David · Patrick:David: 'And at one point, you all...' Patrick: 'No, see, that's where you're wrong. We almost all, but I said no.' David: 'Ah.'

David · Patrick:Patrick: 'You're upset about this because you still...' David: 'No! I'm not upset! I-I don't want any of that!' Patrick: 'No...' David: 'It's a principle thing.'

David · Patrick:David: 'And we are getting sidetracked right now. Okay? So... who is feeling sexy?' Patrick: 'Getting there for sure, I just-you know...'

David · Patrick:David: 'You know what, we didn't even get into your history...' Patrick: 'Lock it up, David. Lock it up.' David: 'Oh, okay.'

Alexis · Johnny · David:Alexis tells Johnny: 'I think I can find a way to make it work.' David assumes she means the pregnancy. Johnny: 'No, that's not what was happening! I-I thought we were talking about something else.' Alexis: 'What else?'

David · Alexis · Moira:David: 'I'm sorry, I was processing Alexis' situation.' Alexis: 'Oh burn, David.' [Moira, about Stevie:] 'A little past curfew.'

Moira · David · Jocelyn:Moira: 'David, Alexis isn't pregnant.' David: 'Okay, but just picture them as like, tiny little roommates, whose tiny little poops you get to clean up!'

David · Stevie:David: 'Um, that's a hard pass.' Stevie: 'You're gonna be so involved in their lives.' David: 'Mm, your body, your problem.'

Moira · David:David discovers Moira in his room wanting to rehearse, and she says 'at this very moment it's 1974, and this room is a San Franciscan bank'

David · Moira:David recalls the original Patty show: 'Well, didn't it have an ensemble cast of 30?' / 'Uh huh, and what was your father's review? 29 dead weights!'

David:David recalls Moira yelled 'Line!' in the middle of a dance break

David:David casually mentions he ended up dating the dance instructor Moira practiced with for seven months

Moira · David:Moira graciously offers to let David 'spot' her, then when David says he has to go to work, says 'Oh, then go to work!' — then immediately demands he say 'break a leg' before he can leave

David · Patrick · Stevie:Patrick has come to help Stevie with a school assignment at the store — David has no idea

David:David: 'there was one that looked meth-y. And I don't know where he went.'

David:David insists the teens hanging around builds 'street cred' for the store

David:David admits the teens are 'maybe complimenting my outfits'

David:Patrick: 'I'm sorry that you connect with a more mature clientele, whereas I vibe with a much younger crowd.'

David:A teen calls out 'Nice sweater, bro!' and David immediately becomes flustered and can't remember where he got it

David:David gift-wraps a single pack of gum for a teen who bought it

Patrick · David:Patrick describes the shoplifting operation in exact Hamptons-klepto detail, and David admits: 'It's the exact same move that I used with my klepto friends in the Hamptons.'

David:David: 'I feel like I would've sent that.' — referring to the compliment-as-distraction tactic

David:David's attempt to 'catch' the teens — playing it cool: 'No, we're just looking. Okay, cool. Cool, cool, yeah, yeah. Look around. You do you.'

David · Teen:Teen asks about David's shoes; David says he got them at 'a boutique in Prague that's only open on Sunday nights'

David · Teen:Oh, um wait, but — you forgot something, though. [pause] What?!

Teen · David:I thought she was too cool to work here. — I don't work here, and I am really cool, so.

David · Patrick:David asks the teens: 'All those compliments, and fist bumps... Was that just part of the big scheme?' / Teens: 'No, you have cool style.' 'I like your shoes.' / Patrick: 'They're lying to you, David, they're lying, they're lying.'

David · Stevie:David and Stevie's simultaneous grossed-out moment after the confrontation: 'Ugh...' / 'What? Why me?' / 'I just feel really gross.' / 'Why did I get one?'

David · Moira:David finds Moira in his bed — 'Ew! What are you doing in my bed?'

Moira · David:Moira: 'I couldn't possibly make it all the way to my own bed.' / David: 'Was it the footwork?' / Moira: 'Oh, it was the footwork. It was the score, it was the book, it was all of that, David.'

David:David: 'Um, I don't think I said that.' — in response to Moira saying 'You were right, my dear. I've had my time, and it's over now.'

David · Moira:David offers to do 'the number' with Moira — Moira: 'I thought you used to hate it when I'd trot you out in front of my friends?' David: 'I still do, it's just that I'm finding this situation incredibly disturbing, and I will eventually need my bed back.'

Moira · David:Moira: 'And do you think we still have it?' David: [pause] 'I'll go plug in my hair straightener.'

Moira · David:Do you think people would find it strange, or even inappropriate? — Probably.

David:David introduces himself as 'television's mom, to you' during the Christmas number

Moira · David:The duet begins: a Christmas medley mashup of multiple carols sung simultaneously, with David and Moira singing different songs at the same time

David:Okay. Um, in other news, I recently discovered that I'm allergic to pitted fruits.

Alexis · David · Moira:I can't believe he's still dating Heather. / I know, it's crazy. / I believe that was her name, Heather.

David · Alexis:Ok, um, but you're in like a day dress. / Mhmm, I am.

David:Okay, I have never heard someone say so many wrong things, one after the other, consecutively, in a row.

David:A year later, and she is like right back in it.

David:Striking, I believe was the word you used to describe Ted's new girlfriend, who isn't Alexis.

David:...so for all we know, they could be poison, and we're moving the lip balms, best sellers, all the way to the corner, here.

Patrick · David:David you move things without consulting me all the time. Like the brooms! / Okay, well they were fugly brooms with big red handles. They didn't match our sand and stone colour palette.

Patrick · David:You made me pick between two Sandra Bullock vehicles. / And you picked 'The Lake House', which was the correct choice.

David · Stevie:Fine. / Stevie, would you care to join me? / No. / Fair enough. So you guys are just gonna stay behind and talk about me after I've left. You know, swap stories about how I don't compromise.

David:Notice some of our more discreet backroom items are now on display at the front of the store.

David:...if assaulting customers with the sight of a toilet plunger the minute they walk in the door is something that you consider to be an effective business strategy, then that is a compromise that I am willing to make.

Patrick · Stevie · David:Are you sure? / Look at his face. / Look at your face.

Patrick · David:Is something wrong, David? / [long pause] / No.

Patrick · David:You know, I have to say, if we hadn't put these babies out there, there's a strong possibility we wouldn't have sold two of 'em today. / And a brush.

David:Fine, I'm terrible at compromise! There, I said it. Like Beyoncé, I excel as a solo artist, and I was also dressed by my mother well into my teens, okay?

David:These mountaineering shoes that my boyfriend is wearing, looking like Oprah on a Thanksgiving Day hike, incorrect.

Patrick · David · Stevie:I'm sorry, what did you just say? / I said the breath mints need to move. / I think it was something about your boyfriend's shoes?

David:I mean, or not. I don't remember saying it. So, you can do whatever you'd like.

Patrick · David:My boyfriend doesn't like the shoes, so I'm gonna take the shoes off. / Okay, before you do that, I just wanna let you know that sock feet in a public place is also incorrect. / We do what we have to do.

David · Moira:David bursts in panicked: 'The internet says you're dead.' Moira's first response: 'What photo are they using?'

Alexis · David:Alexis tweeted 'Goodbye to a great actress' with a cool sunglasses emoji, and defends it: 'I'm wearing sunglasses because I'm in mourning, David.'

Moira · David:John asks what photo they're using. Answer: 'Primarily a headshot from the 90s — so fresh, and young, and permed.'

David · John:David says the death rumor 'isn't even trending, which is actually kind of sad.' John replies: 'That's what you think is sad?'

Alexis · David:David and Alexis define their buying trip partnership: 'You do the talking, and I sample the merchandise.'

David:They were Mennonites, and I would put the peanut butter square down, we're about to spend the afternoon sampling a lot of cheese.

David · Alexis:David corrects Alexis on the Mennonite women at the farm stand: 'They were Mennonites.' Alexis called them 'old farm witches.'

Alexis · David:Alexis: 'Nom nom for us, David.' David: 'Never say nom nom, again.'

David · Alexis:David explains the cheese vendor is very exclusive: 'Everyone's trying to get their greasy hands on her cheese.' Alexis: 'Ew, David.'

Alexis · David:Alexis discovers the cheese vendor is 'Heather, Heather — like, Ted's Heather.' David: 'What? She's like 50.' Alexis: '0 She's 42, and I know!'

David:I can't have your personal drama storming over my business dealings right now, so I think it's best if you got out of the car and walked home.

David · Alexis:David tells Alexis to get out of the car. She says walking home would take 15 minutes and 'that's absolutely not happening.' David then suggests she stay in the car 'with the windows down.' Alexis: 'Stop it, David, I'm not a baby.'

David · Alexis · Heather:David introduces Alexis to Heather at the cheese farm: 'This is my sister.' Heather: 'Oh! I thought you had a male business partner.' David: 'Oh, I do. She is an intern.'

David · Heather:David tries the goat cheese despite his usual preferences: 'I don't usually love goat cheese, but...' He trails off, clearly enjoying it.

David:David's suppressed reaction to hearing Heather is dating a vet: 'Fun. Mm hmm. Must be very helpful for you.'

David · Heather:Heather says there's something familiar about David's voice. David deflects: 'Oh. No, people have told me that I just have like, one of those voices.' Then adds: 'Super generic and trill.'

Heather · David · Alexis:Heather invites them to stay for lunch and mentions 'I hope you don't mind if my boyfriend joins us?' — cut to David and Alexis's reactions.

David · Alexis:David, in full panic, says to Alexis: 'Get in the car!' — immediately corrected to 'Not an imposition at all!' when Heather looks at him.

David · Ted:Heather realizes Ted is the vet Alexis mentioned dating. David: 'because when you said vet, I thought you meant like, a War Vet.' Ted (with a limp): 'Yeah, no definitely not a War Vet. Damn these fallen arches.'

Heather · David:Heather says 'I feel like we owe you, or something.' David immediately: 'Well, she's a very generous person so...' — pivoting the conversation toward his exclusivity deal.

David:David, after Heather agrees to the exclusivity deal: 'Well, that is why she is one of our finest interns.'

David:David, after the painful lunch with Ted and Heather: 'You didn't have to do that. I just like, hate how good this cheese is.'

David · Alexis:David asks: 'You're in love with him, aren't you?' Alexis: 'Yes.' Then a long pause. 'Yup.'

David:David: 'Kelly Ripa just tweeted, she's taking tomorrow off. Hashtag RIP Cuppy is trending.'

David · Patrick:Well, I mean, I heard that there was a storm warning for today, so. / How do you explain yesterday? / Maybe the storm warning was for yesterday. / So then how do you explain today? / Okay, I don't have all the answers.

David:Um, have we checked to see if the door is unlocked?

Patrick · David:You know why people are always in the café? Because they feel at home there, it feels like... comfortable. Okay, are you saying that I don't make people feel at home? Um...

David:Yes! It was opening day, and there was booze. And people are drunks.

Patrick · David:What if we hosted an open mic night? / I am open to suggestions.

David · Patrick:So there was a point at which you, and some of your fellow amateur singer songwriters would gather and perform poetry and songs? / Yeah. / For one another? / Mhm. That's right. / Oh god.

Patrick · David:The occasional improv troupe would stop by. / I'm um... I'm feeling kind of ill.

David:Okay, no, worst case scenario, I watch improv.

Patrick · David:Someone took a long coffee break. / Oh, I'm sorry, did I miss the evening rush? / Uh, yes, one customer came in, who was asking for directions.

David · Patrick:So then you will be... playing your acoustic guitar / in front of people then, in public. / And singing a song. / And singing a song.

Patrick · David:I was thinking about singing an original song. / An original song? / But then I thought you know, it's probably best just to stick with a classic. / Yeah. Classic.

David · Patrick:I think that's cool. / David, you're gonna be fine.

David:if you are confident, to put yourself and our relationship at risk like that, then I am... 87% behind you.

Moira · David:Oh dear, you're awfully brave allowing your beau to indulge himself like this. / Okay, this was not my idea.

Patrick · David:I would like to dedicate this song to a very special someone in my life. / David Rose. — Okay. / There he is, right there. That's him. Can't miss him.

Patrick · David:I would like to dedicate this song to a very special someone in my life. David Rose. There he is, right there. That's him. Can't miss him.

David · Patrick:You'll let me know if I should pull the fire alarm? / Yes.

David · Johnny:Okay, have you ever gotten an A? / Enough, David.

David:Ew. What are you all doing here? / We have a surprise for you. / Judging from the looks on your faces, I don't want it.

David · Moira · Johnny:I had a very intimate connection with Tony, for several years. / She was your pen pal, David. / She was in a penitentiary, dear.

Moira · Johnny · David:Is he pulling back? / Has he asked you about an open relationship? / Not yet.

Patrick · David:It's a cookie, David, what's the big deal? / First of all, a cookie is always a big deal...

David:If we throw a renaissance fair every month, I just feel like we might be tempting fate.

David:The last time I heard that, I was dating a birthday clown who painted my face in the night, and was literally never seen from again.

David · Patrick:He was never found. / Probably dead.

David:When you said that you were coming back, you just meant that you weren't coming back, and that I would have to spend the afternoon searching for you on the train tracks, and among various unmarked vans.

Patrick · David:You did that for me? / No, but there was a moment when I thought about doing it.

David:I don't know what kind of carnage I inflicted in a past life, to deserve it. I must've been... Dracula, or a spin instructor.

David · Moira:We're not doing Pat. / He sees you. For all that you are.

David:Well, hopefully not all that I am, I mean that would be...

David · Moira:Fine. He can come. / Excellent. And he's bringing his guitar. / What?

Johnny · David:...in case there's a rousing fireside sing-along? / No, I draw the line at sing-along.

David:Which is shocking because as you may or may not know, I've struggled with group work in the past.

David:Okay, just so you know, that's not really a compliment, but thank you.

David:Okay, just so you know, that's not really a compliment, but thank you.

Johnny · David · Patrick:There ya go, we make a good team, Pat. / No, John, no, we're not doing Pat. / No we're not.

Moira · David:Well, let's hope that you continue to surprise each other. It keeps the relationship titillating. / Okay, please never say titillating when referring to my relationship. / Oh, can I though? / No.

Alexis · David:Wait, Patrick is your fiancé? / Uh, I'm sorry you have a fiancée?

David:Whoa. / Over the past few months? / And you didn't think to tell me about this?

David:You stood in front of me and told me to trust people. I know. When I was perfectly fine not trusting people. Not trusting people is what I'm used to. It is my comfort zone.

David:That is quite possibly one of the most beautiful things I've ever heard anyone say. Um... outside of the Downton Christmas Special.

Patrick · David:Actually um, I haven't had dinner yet, so... / I'll grab ya a slider. / More than one, um, and some potato salad, and I think there were some other sides on the table, but I couldn't see, so maybe just a smattering of everything.

David:Um, Alexis, do you mind telling your phone to fuck off?

David · Alexis:Well, why does it say Alexis you have a new match? / Research. I was testing the water for her, David. Poor thing's clueless.

David · Alexis:Why is he shirtless with an armful of puppies? / Oh my god, we matched? / His nipples are out.

David:When has that ever stopped you? I remember that summer you dated all 3 Hanson brothers.

Alexis · David:He's the only attractive person on here, David, what did you want me to do? / Well, then go on a date with him.

David:I am suffering romantically right now, and there was a minute when I thought I would never have to look at another dating app, and here you are shoving Bumpkins in my face.

Alexis · David:He messaged me again. He actually sounds kind of chill, David. / What did he say? / Sup?

Stevie · David:Turn everything off, please. / Why aren't you dressed? / Because I'm not going. Because I'm too tired. / You've been sleeping for two days. / What's your point?

Stevie · David:I'm finding it hard to believe that you don't have the energy to go to a spa. / I know, I'm scaring even me.

Stevie · David:Because you're having boyfriend issues, and this is my reluctant attempt at being supportive. / Well, that's very thoughtful of you. / I also have a Groupon, which I was planning on using with Jake, but I thought you might need it more.

David · Stevie:What kinda spa is it, and will there be treatments? / You're a monster.

David:Oh wow. Is this some kind of sick joke?

David:So, Jake and his little pony are goin' on dates and having sexy honeymoon weekends?

David:Ooh. Feeling very raw right now, you know? Um, it's just like a lot of emotional triggers.

David:So, thank you for saving me from myself because one more day at that motel and I think things would've gotten very dark.

David · Stevie:Okay I'm not playing into your fraudulent behaviour. / You still want the free booze, right? / Gimme the ring.

Stevie · David:Hm, you learn pretty quickly when you're in a Ugandan diamond smuggler's villa playing for your friend's freedom. / Right, right. Wait, what? / That was fun.

Stevie · David:So the lover's curry was a mistake. / Yeah, it was.