A Whisper Of Desire

David:Well, this is really fun.

Moira:Please, do sit down. I find that most conversations benefit from a degree of postural synchronicity, and I've recently invested in some rather sumptuous seating that practically begs to be aestheticized.

Patrick:I have an audition today.

Moira:Audited? Oh my God. Have you been cooking the books?

David:You were 25 in 1979.

Moira:I've discovered a new acting technique. It's called 'the Müeller method.' It's very continental, very avant-garde. You basically just... embody the character's essence through a series of guttural vocalizations and interpretive hand gestures. It's quite transcendent, really. Very sensual.

Moira:How many standing ovations did I receive?

David:Two.

Moira:Theatre doesn't give ovations 'on the house.' That's bar terminology.

Moira:Fun? Patrick, auditioning is like boarding the Titanic. Except the iceberg is your own self-doubt, and instead of drowning, you're just slowly dying inside while a room full of people watches.

Patrick:Moira, that's not a fair comparison.

Moira:Oh, come on. The Titanic passengers had the time of their lives before the ship went down. They danced, they dined, they fell in love. And yes, most of them died, but what a way to go!

Patrick:You're really not helping your case here.

Moira:I'm simply saying, a little luxury and romance before the inevitable end is not the worst thing in the world.

Cheryl:I've been taking a Pilates class, I've been reading, I've been doing breathing exercises...

Johnny:Well, that's wonderful. You should all be very proud of yourselves.

Johnny:Cheryl, I was wondering if you might be interested in, uh, perhaps, maybe... joining me for a, a beverage? Or several beverages? I mean, not several for you necessarily, but several as in, in a group of us, which would be you and I, so technically two, which is a couple, not several, I suppose, and—

Johnny:You know what, I'm just going to start over. Would you like to get a drink with me? No? Okay, well, the offer stands. It's still standing. I'm standing. We're all standing.

Jocelyn:I didn't even hear you come in. You have very quiet footsteps.

Moira:Thank you. That's actually a Valentino. They're engineered for stealth.

Jocelyn:I just think it's absurd that people consider 'Cats' to be too political. It's just a musical about cats!

Jocelyn:So you're saying you went to the store and they didn't have your size?

Moira:Well, yes, but I was wearing my vintage Halston and the lighting was particularly unflattering, and the salesgirl was absolutely dismissive, and...

Jocelyn:Right, but basically just no size.

Moira:I suppose when you strip away all the nuance and color from my life, yes.

Jocelyn:Moira, would you help me direct the community theater production?

Moira:Oh Jocelyn, I'm flattered, but I'm afraid I'm not in a position to take on any... penetrating roles at the moment. I'm simply too tapped out.

Moira:I shall be a fly on the wall.

Moira:A silent monarch, observing the proceedings with regal restraint.

Jocelyn:So how do you want to set up the chairs?

Moira:Well, obviously in a semi-circle. What, did you think we were doing dinner theatre in someone's living room?

Roland:This store is perfect for the baby. It's climate controlled, it's secure, and it's basically a crypt.

David:Did you just compare my store to a crypt?

Roland:A *nice* crypt.

Roland:You know, I've been thinking about switching to organic applesauce. It's better for you.

Moira:Oh my God, Roland. What is happening to you? Next you'll be telling me you're doing a wellness retreat in Sedona.

Roland:Well, I mean, the organic option does have a certain... je ne sais quoi.

David:Dad, are you aware you sound like Gwyneth Paltrow right now?

Roland:I do not. I'm simply being health-conscious.

Alexis:You literally just said 'je ne sais quoi' about applesauce, Dad.

David:No, you're not.

Roland:David, we got an emergency here.

David:Roland, I'm going to have to ask you to take this emergency outside. I'm trying to run a business here, and I cannot have people knowing that I have problems.

David:The baby is more vulnerable to heat than applesauce.

David:The baby's in the sun too.

Roland:We could feed the baby that expensive applesauce.

David:No! Do you know how much that costs?

David:That's like... that's like feeding a baby liquid gold.

Johnny:She touched my arm, and I said, 'Well, I suppose we're engaged now.'

Alexis:Oh my god, that is so gross.

Alexis:Well, that's what you always say, Daddy. 'A little birdie told me.' A little birdie told me you're being ridiculous.

Moira:Well, that was... something.

Moira:Bob, darling, I need you to access a deeper well of emotional truth. You're not just saying the line, you're channeling the collective unconscious of the human experience.

Bob:Moira, it's a hardware store commercial.

Moira:Precisely. Now, I want you to enter from stage left as if you're being born anew, reborn from the ashes of your former self, and the paint samples are your reason for existing.

David:My father left when I was young. He said he was going out for milk and never came back. Which, in retrospect, I realize was probably less about the milk and more about his inability to cope with the responsibilities of fatherhood. But at the time, I just thought, 'Well, at least he's consistent with his poor decision-making.'

David:I mean, the man called me at 3 AM because he couldn't remember if he'd locked his truck. His truck! Which was parked in our driveway. Where we could literally see it from the window.

David:So I went outside, checked the truck, came back in, and told him it was locked. And do you know what he said? He said, 'Well, can you double-check?' As if my word meant nothing!

Moira:David had a complete meltdown because he ran out of pomade.

Johnny:That is an emergency.

Client:How old is the baby?

David:Six weeks.

Client:Six weeks? This baby has a full set of teeth and is asking for the Wi-Fi password.

Moira:Oh, Ted was such an awkward child. He had this unfortunate habit of tucking his shirt into his underwear.

Ted:Well, I think we've probably heard enough about that. Shall we talk about something else?

Alexis:Oh my God, okay, well that's nothing compared to the time I accidentally went to Milan instead of Mykonos and ended up at a private dinner with Raf Simons where I spent the entire night thinking he was a really pretentious waiter.

Ted:My mother's decided to become a life coach. She's been very aggressive about it.

Johnny:Oh no.

Ted:She's already scheduled three sessions with me, and she's started a vision board.

Johnny:Well, I'm sure she'll lose interest in a week or two.

Ted:She's already lost interest in my father.

Johnny:Please tell me she's not going to do something crazy.

Johnny:Well, I suppose I should go. It's only a few hours of my life I'll never get back.

Moira:Well, I was the one who was actually acting. The rest of them were just sort of... existing in the same space as me.

Jocelyn:I'm just so relieved I don't have to act.

Roland:I got electrocuted. Twice. Once at the feed store, once at home. But I'm not one to make excuses.

Roland:Well, the rubber dress acted like a life raft. She just floated there until the coast guard picked her up.

Roland:Can you babysit for us next weekend?

David:I can do Tuesday between 2 and 2:15 PM.

Roland:Next weekend is Saturday and Sunday.

David:Then no.

Johnny:Well, it's always a thrill to experience a collection of nude photographs with a... a new friend.

Johnny:I spent the afternoon with Cheryl at an art gallery. We were looking at some very... intimate pieces. She kept positioning herself quite close to the artwork, and I found myself getting increasingly flustered trying to appreciate the... composition.

Moira:He's a very successful entrepreneur. Thirty-five years old.

Johnny:Thirty-five? That's... that's wonderful. And how old are you?

Alexis:So who is it? Just tell me who you're interested in.

Moira:Well, if you must know, it's someone I've been seeing quite regularly.

Alexis:Oh my god, is it Dad?

Moira:No, it's the Zumba instructor.

Johnny:You know, Moira, I've been thinking about us...

Moira:Oh Johnny, that's very sweet, but you're like a brother to me.

Johnny:A brother?

Moira:Yes, the brother I never had. Well, the brother I have, but better dressed.

Ted:Well, at least he's not your cousin.

Moira:He is my brother.

Ted:I know, but you could also call him your nephew, or your uncle, or your... what's the word... your father?

Alexis:Dad, I think Cheryl really likes you.

Johnny:You really think so?

Alexis:Yeah, I mean, she's always asking about you, she laughs at your jokes...

Johnny:Well, that's... that's wonderful.

Alexis:She wants to know if you're single, if you're seeing anyone...

Johnny:Alexis, are you serious?

Alexis:Yeah, she's actually interested in your finances.

Moira:I may have played a high school student in a commercial when I was fifty.

Moira:But I had very good skin.

Moira:Oh, well, I mean, I couldn't possibly. I have no experience whatsoever in directing.

Moira:Although, I do think we should lose the blocking in act two, the lighting designer clearly has no concept of key light, and we'll need to completely reconceive the set.

Moira:I've decided to direct the musical. I have a very specific vision, and frankly, the only person equipped to execute that vision is me.

David:Moira, you've never directed anything before.

Moira:I directed my life into a cultural institution, David. I think I can handle a little musical.

Moira:Jocelyn, I'd like to offer you a position as assistant director. It's a newly created role, and it comes with significantly less responsibility and no additional compensation.

Jocelyn:Oh! That sounds wonderful!

Moira:Yes, well, I was very careful with my wording.

Jocelyn:Wait, did you just manipulate me?

Moira:Manipulate is such a harsh word.

Jocelyn:What would you call it?

Moira:Strategic kindness.

Jocelyn:Oh my God, I agreed to something terrible, didn't I?