The Hospies

David:I would never throw a surprise party. They're tacky, they're intrusive, and quite frankly, they reek of desperation.

Moira:Well, that's a poor thing to say.

David:I'm organizing one right now.

Johnny:Well, when you're planning a party at this level, you have to think about every detail. I've already arranged for the camel quarantine facility.

Moira:Camels? Johnny, we're in Schitt's Creek.

Johnny:Yes, and they'll be quarantined. Properly. I won't have them arriving infected.

David:I don't trust you people with secrets. I once told my mother I was thinking about getting bangs, and by the time I got home, the entire country club knew about it.

Moira:Character assassination? David, I've been called worse things by my own reflection.

David:I knew you all went to see it without me.

Alexis:David, we were going to tell you.

Johnny:Your mother may have mentioned the ending.

Moira:I didn't mention it, I described it. In detail. For forty minutes.

David:See? Secrets. This is exactly what I'm talking about.

Alexis:Okay, but to be fair, we didn't know you hadn't seen it yet.

Johnny:And your mother may have spoiled it for the entire theater.

Moira:They were very engaged.

David:I'm not ready for this. I'm not emotionally prepared. What if they don't like me? What if I say something weird? What if they ask me questions about myself and I have to talk about my feelings?

Johnny:Well, I'm not going to spoil it for you, but let's just say the ending is a real 'crowvergence.'

Alexis:A what?

Johnny:A crowvergence. Crow plus convergence.

Alexis:Dad, that's not a word.

Johnny:It is now. The climax is an absolute 'crowpocalypse.'

Roland:This is a real special moment, Johnny. I'm honored to be part of it.

Johnny:You're not part of it, Roland. You're just avoiding going back to work.

Roland:Well, I mean, look at him. He's handsome, he's successful, he's got good taste. I'm just a simple business man who sells things out of a warehouse. So yeah, I could see how you'd think that.

Roland:You know, you've got your mother's eyes, and your father's... everything else.

Roland:Well, he doesn't *run* it, per se. I mean, the place basically runs itself. Johnny just sort of... exists there.

Johnny:Look, Roland, I know you didn't mean anything by it. We all say things we don't mean sometimes. The point is, we're here, we're together, and that's what matters. Sure, most days are a complete nightmare, but every now and then... it's only moderately terrible.

Roland:You two need to talk about your relationship.

David:Our relationship? What do you mean?

Roland:Well, I'm just saying, people are starting to talk.

David:People are talking about us? Why would they—

Roland:The business partnership. It's a mess. You two can't keep bickering like this or the store's going under.

Roland:Well, I'm just going to say what everyone's thinking. You two look like you've seen a ghost.

Roland:Well, this is awkward.

Moira:I've been thinking about potential revenue streams, and I believe we should consider monetizing our bodies through clinical trials and medical testing.

Moira:We could be compensated handsomely for our participation in pharmaceutical studies, cosmetic research, or experimental treatments. It's really quite the entrepreneurial opportunity.

Moira:I don't attend fan conventions because I find the environment deeply unsettling. The fluorescent lighting, the industrial carpeting, the sheer density of human bodies pressed against one another like salamander people emerging from a primordial swamp. They're damp, they're pallid, they smell of corn chips and desperation, and they move in that peculiar, sideways fashion—always angling for a photograph, a signature, some token of acknowledgment that I exist in their reality. It's nightmarish.

Alexis:You were a perfume model, Mom. You literally just stood there smelling things.

Alexis:Then you were a weather girl, then you did that thing on that cruise ship...

Alexis:And then you were in a Mutt Schitt commercial where you licked a toilet.

Alexis:So I think you've hit rock bottom. And then you kept digging.

Moira:Yes, well, I suppose I can make an appearance. Though I must say, the asymmetrical faces in these convention photographs are rather... distressing.

David:I'll tell Patrick I have a very contagious skin condition and he can't come near me for at least two weeks.

Stevie:David, you literally just had him over for dinner last night.

Johnny:I wasn't at the gym.

Stevie:You're wearing a tank top and shorts.

Johnny:I was gardening.

Stevie:You're drenched in sweat.

Johnny:It's hot out.

Johnny:Well, you see, Stevie and I have a very... special arrangement. We're not exactly dating, but we're also not exactly not dating. It's more of a... situational companionship with occasional physical intimacy.

Stevie:Oh my God, stop talking.

David:What? No, absolutely not!

Johnny:Yes, that's exactly what we think.

Stevie:Yeah, pretty much.

David:Everyone, just calm down and don't say anything.

Johnny:Well, I think what David is trying to say is...

David:No, Dad, that's the opposite of what I just said.

Moira:I've protected you from all the dark underbelly of this industry.

Alexis:Mom, I've been sexually harassed at every job I've ever had.

Moira:Gloria Gregson is a holistic practitioner who believes in the healing power of human touch. She's developed a method called 'Sensual Awakening Through Intentional Contact.'

David:That sounds like a euphemism.

Moira:It's not a euphemism, David. It's a legitimate therapeutic modality. Gloria has helped countless clients achieve spiritual and physical harmony through controlled, consensual touch sessions.

Alexis:So she just... touches people?

Moira:Precisely. It's very scientific. Gloria has charts and everything.

David:I'm concerned about the liability on this one, Mom.

Gloria:You know, you really do look like Moira's sister.

Alexis:*looks disgusted*

Stevie:I brought flowers and pizza. The pizza is for eating.

David:Did you talk to your parents?

Patrick:No, they're... they're in Toronto.

David:Patrick, they're at the motel.

Patrick:A motel in Toronto.

David:Do your parents know about us?

Patrick:...

Patrick:No.

David:What?

David:I think it's important to come out on your own terms, you know? When you're ready. Not when someone else decides for you.

David:I mean, I brought home a couple in college and my mother just... she knew.

David:I have something to tell you. Patrick's throwing you a surprise party.

David:Which is ironic, given that Patrick is literally in the closet.

David:I made it up. There was no salmonella outbreak. I just needed an excuse to not go to the opening.

Patrick:Is the party at the café?

David:No. I told you that to get you out of the house because I needed to plan your surprise birthday party.

David:No, I'm not in a relationship with your son. I'm married to him.

David:Well, I mean, they're not... they're not *homophobic* or anything. They're just... selective about who they associate with based on a complex matrix of social standing, financial viability, and whether or not you summer in the Hamptons.

David:We just shouldn't mention that we know about the relationship.

David:I'm aware of how that sounds.

Alexis:Oh my God, wait—is that your wine? I've been using bottles of that for cheap sangria at home.

Gloria:Oh honey, I've been selling feet pictures online for three years. I have a whole pricing structure. Eight dollars for a regular photo, twelve for a close-up, and twenty-five if you want me to paint my nails a specific color.

Gloria:I also offer a subscription service. Fifty dollars a month, and you get two new photos every week, plus access to my archive.

Alexis:Wait, so people are actually paying money for pictures of feet at conventions?

Alexis:Okay, well, I have very nice feet, so... fifty dollars a photo.

Alexis:Actually, you know what? Sixty. These are grade-A feet.

Stevie:Well, 'Happy Birthday' is just too complicated. It's got five syllables, multiple words, and frankly, the emotional weight is just... a lot. 'Surprise' is cleaner. One word. Gets the job done.

David:I'm going to excuse myself from this reunion.

David:Not because of any of you, but because I just realized I left my limited edition Hermès scarf in the Uber, and I need to file a claim immediately before someone tries to resell it on Vestiaire Collective.

David:He'll come around. Everyone does eventually. It's just a matter of time before he realizes that I'm right and he's wrong about everything.

Clint:I don't understand what he's wearing. Is that a dress?

Marci:It's fine, honey. He'll adapt.

Johnny:Johnny to the Brewers: 'Oh. Oh, good. Good, then no one really has to feel bad about how this information came out, then, huh?'

Johnny:Johnny: 'Patrick is planning on telling you tonight. So I think the best birthday gift we could give him at this point is to just... keep him in the closet until then. I know that came out wrong, but we all understand what I'm saying, right?'

Alexis:Alexis: 'We used to use that for sangria, because it was like, so cheap, and... so good.'

Moira · Gloria:Moira: 'So the fiscal sweetener negates any discomfiture one might feel exploiting their extremities for a $20 bill?' Gloria: '$20?! I charge $50. And just in case, I wear open-toed sandals.'

Gloria:Gloria: 'There is a freedom in letting go, Moira.'

Alexis:Convention rules: 'It's 30 seconds each, tickets in hand, or it's back of the line, and no, she will not be clarifying any Sunrise Bay plot points.'

David:'Also, we're going with Surprise. Happy birthday was too wordy, and we couldn't nail it at rehearsal.'

Johnny:Johnny's awkward 'Yep, I'm just glad you could make it, Mr. and Mrs. Brewer' while knowing the full context

David:David: 'But might I recommend the crab cakes? I over-ordered, and they cost a small fortune.'

Clint · Marci:Clint: 'I like him. I like him a lot.' Then: 'I don't understand his clothes, but...' Marci: 'Ah, you will in time.'

Patrick:Patrick: 'David, I know my parents. They're not good actors.'

Patrick:Patrick dismantles David's cover: 'And the gift basket that you gave them that I'm hoping you paid for, that had nothing to do with you trying to smooth things over with them?'

David:David's confession: 'It was just a very messy day, and I was, I was trying to detangle things, and... and just make everything okay.'

Twyla:Not to step on the moment, but uh, I do have to lock up in five.