Roland Schitt

So if you're looking for an ass to kiss, it's mine!

You know, I did the deed in just about every room in this place.

if a forensic team came in here with one of those blue lights, this place would just light up!

Have a ball in the land down under! Ever wanna ride a kangaroo?

looks like you got all the channels except for Channel 19 for some reason. I don't know why.

Do you mind if I use your toilet?

Yes, that train has left the station, if you know what I mean!

Remind me to get that window fixed. It will not open.

Oh, look! You've got Channel 19!

I'll just get the fuck out of here.

Johnny, when I was a kid and I did a bad thing, my father took the doors off my room. And he said to me, 'Roland, privacy is earned.'

What the hell does that have to do with privacy? Nothing. I just got mad and I took your doors.

So Johnny Rose wants the ol' Johnny Hancock, huh?

You're not rejecting my hospitality, are you, Johnny? Because that really wouldn't be a good way to start things off, I don't think.

Johnny, you want that, to get that you need this.

Wow... Heady stuff.

I tried reading that thing it is really boring.

I didn't want to say anything, but you were my favourite character on 'Sunrise Bay'.

I will go ahead and sign off on the sale... For a slap.

We've role-played it like a thousand times, but it's not the real thing.

This is my town and you're gonna play by my rules. Comprende? / I'm just messing with you, man! Come on! / Or am I? / No. I am.

I mean, most people just thought it was a waste of money that it would never sell, you know? Who in their right mind would buy it! Then along came you.

He discovered this land, he developed it, and he turned it into the little slice of heaven that it is.

That isn't even Horace's wife! That's his sister.

we don't do that sort of thing with our sisters!

It's our son, Mutt. We're talking about our son.

It's our son, Mutt. We're talking about our son.

Good luck with birth control, right?

Good luck with birth control, right?

Roland's euphemism 'bump the old uglies'

'you wanna bring the boat into port and maybe... get your mast scrubbed'

'What're you guys down to now? Like... twice a day?'

'Sex life's in the crapper. I just offered him the cabin.'

Roland's elaborate directions to the cabin with multiple turns and landmarks

Turkey virgin!

So how are your bowels? Good and tight?

You know, delicate. Fragile. Scrimpy.

Even tougher when you shoot it in the neck 'cause then it takes longer to die.

Lawnmower exchange with Roland not hearing

well, what can I do for you, you 'dumb son of a...'?

Roland's increasingly demanding truck conditions

I guess your 'imaginary friend' uses wiper fluid, right?

Okay, don't wanna tell me where we're going, interesting.

The unemployment office! / Jeez pal, your business is your business. I don't know why you're telling me!

The unemployment office! Okay? I'm applying for unemployment. Jeez pal, your business is your business. I don't know why you're telling me!

Marnie and I were, um, how shall I say it? 'Close friends' in high school. / Isn't that right, Marnie? / Marnie likes the bad boys.

Oh well, didn't he tell you about the job he was doing for me? / You didn't tell her? / Well, that's important information, Mr. Rose.

he was my assistant, he was like my little guy Friday. He would fetch things for me, I'd tell him where to go and he'd go running off

because of that whole 'cut the gravy' thing, so.

Well um, one day, and that day may never come, I may call upon you to perform a function. / Marlon Brando! / Yes, but from what movie? / The Godfather. / No, it's the one where he's the big mafia guy. / The Godfather!

Well um, one day, and that day may never come, I may call upon you to perform a function. Marlon Brando! Yes, but from what movie? The Godfather. No, it's the one where he's the big mafia guy. The Godfather!

Why don't you just get me a little wiper fluid, and we'll call it even, okay? And also maybe a Kleenex caddy? I've always wanted one of those. That's funny! It is, but I'm not joking.

You broke into his cabin and had sex while he and his wife were in the next room.

No, not Bob. Bob's brother, Carl, died.

Event. Oh, it's more of a soiree.

Pineapples, pig on the spit, the whole nine yards. Oh, you, uh, roast pigs? We do! Sure do. We have a big one hanging in the garage.

Now, listen. I'm the guy in charge of upholding the law here, so if you have any ideas about turning me in, you'd just be turning me in to myself.

My son is pansexual. I've heard of that. I know what that is, that's, uh, that cookware fetish.

Roland's entire confused conversation about understanding the plan

There is no fundraiser! / Right. No fundraiser. / It's pretend! / Pretend. It's fun time.

Roland's entire butchered invitation delivery

I'm here to personally invite the two of you to a annual... Elegant dress-up event that Jocelyn is hosting.

The... With the mouth... Cleft palates.

It's hard to look at those kids and all that, I get it. But you know what? We'll dress them up, too.

I don't wanna piss in your punch bowl, okay, but, um, I got a bad feeling about this buyer guy

He called me while he was bumping uglies with his old lady. / But that's not the problem. The problem is he put me on the speakerphone.

I mean, who would do such a thing? / I mean, that's something you would do. / No, no. That's not something I would do. / And I can't deal with another you.

Sex in a pan. / Then we'll have dessert.

Roland and Johnny frantically trying to get Andy to sign while unconscious

What, are you here to tell me Alexis has skipped town with my lawn mower?!

Roland, these people have literally hit rock bottom, they're not in the mood for your jokes right now. She is.

statistics tell us you have a 48 hour window before you can assume somebody is dead. Yeah, I just said it's been three days. Then do we call off the search?

Well, good news, folks! They found the truck. And David. Well, that didn't come up.

Well, I think they would've told me if there's a dead body with the truck, honey.

Next time, someone will think twice before they steal my truck, yes? Ooh, burn, David!

Because this pie is scorching! / It comes and goes, Roland!

Who'd you call, honey? Bill?

Bill doesn't do stoves. / Then, Gary. / Gary? Our dentist??

as long as you make extra for us, and leave a ten spot over there for the hydro.

And you know whose name came to mind? I don't-i don't know, Rachel Zoe? Yours!

And who knows elegance better than you, pal? I mean, you're the only elegant guy I know!

Okay, these are pants that just so happen to have a pant fabric over the front and back... Okay. Yeah, it's a skirt.

Okay, these are pants that just so happen to have a pant fabric over the front and back... Okay. Yeah, it's a skirt.

Jocelyn and I like to have a little fun with that idea, if you know what I mean. She plays Meryl, and I play the nervous but ambitious intern who's new to the city.

So you're the Anne Hathaway in that situation? I don't know who that is.

Well, I'm actually in really good hands, because this man has a woman's touch. I don't... I don't know what that means.

Well, this is a real 'Sophie's Choice!' I hope that you and Jocelyn don't role play that at home.

Hell, we've played every Streep movie.

God, you're like a fancy dinner plate that you don't wanna nudge off the edge of the table.

Um listen, I don't have a lot to my name right now, but I do have one thing. Self-respect? No, taste.

Yeah, not enough bounce for the bumps, if you know what I mean.

Ooh, I just get chills thinking that we're sitting right in the middle of the 'Johnny Rose Dream Factory!'

I was just hoping to be interrupted by a concerned citizen.

You're a pain in the ass, but you get stuff done.

I just had to reschedule my colonoscopy.

It takes a brave man to face defeat yet again, when his ego is so battered and bruised.

Well, that's good to hear, so you're used to coming in second, huh?

You signed under 'Date.' / Yeah, like that's going to make a difference.

And Elvis! I'm so glad you could make it.

Well, because you look like Elvis in that... outfit there, you know, and... but the early Elvis, not the...

Just remember, if things go south, there's a loaded BB gun in the back.

You're acting like I've never done this before!

that's uh, Jennifer. And then he's um... Jacob. And then I'm also Jacob.

Yeah, I'm just joking. We don't have drivers' licences. Um... No, yeah, we do have driver's licenses, we don't have those names on our driver's license.

Oh, I'm-I'm sorry, I thought you were talking to the other Jacob.

Oh my God, she didn't know which way was up when I was done with her!

No, we actually listened outside to make sure.

A lot of pressing of the flesh, and greasing palms, that kind of thing, you know. It wasn't as much fun as it sounds.

Roland! What are you doing here? Well, we're, uh, doing some renos on the uh, house, so we're gonna shack up here until they're all done.

Now, whatever you and the missus do after hours, that's your business, not mine. On the walls Roland, with our fists! And if you're into that kind of stuff, that doesn't bother me at all.

You said 'renovations.' Yes... renovations, because our basement flooded!

Close the door honey, will you? You're lettin' my flies out.

I'm sorry, are you complaining about the quality of the free lodging that I arranged for you this past year?

(Imitating Moira) Hello, everyone! I'm Moira Rose, and I know famous people, so I really can't talk to the common folk. Excuse me all, coming through!

You're just a stuck up pencil skirt with clown makeup, and a janitor's mop on your head!

Your marriage is as blighted as this town, and you have no one to blame but yourself! Whoa... Well, hold on. I went too far.

Well, I would like my little lady to win this campaign.

Oh. Moira had lawn signs?

Well, if I find out that you're accusing me of doing something I didn't do, then I'm going to accuse you of making false accusations.

You wanna guess what your present is? / No, I do not. / Dinner!

Yeah, we have a coupon. Four entrees for the price of three.

Who do you have to kill around here to get another bottle of this undrinkable wine? / I think it's good. / I ordered the one with the highest alcohol content.

Who do you have to kill around here to get another bottle of this undrinkable wine? I think it's good. I ordered the one with the highest alcohol content.

Well, just to be clear, Johnny, we were always gonna split the bill, it's just with the coupon...

Oh, sorry, we don't want any. / I'm just joking. Come on in! / No, I'm not!

and Fridays, it's strip crib. / Well, thank God it's not Friday. / Well, we can pretend.

But you don't have any money. / Oh, I know I don't have any money, but I need to look like I don't have money.

Here's what I'm hearing you say, what you're saying is you wanna dress like me, because I look like I don't have any money!

What do you want, uh PVC, or a Hawaiian shirt?

Roland describing the new pulp mill floors as so clean 'you can eat your lunch off them'

when I first heard that Stevie was hitching her wagon to your cart, the first thing that came into my mind was, whoooa, Nelly! That horse is in big trouble.

we don't talk about our feelings, we keep 'em all rawrrr inside!

Who's Ken? / Well, Ken is probably her husband. / Uh huh, and she doesn't know what he looks like?

Well, I'm really happy to hear that, because I would hate to have to assert my mayoral authority in a situation like this, yes?

Well, I'm really happy to hear that, because I would hate to have to assert my mayoral authority in a situation like this, yes?

Well, you know what, I'm glad I helped you fix your uh, broken moral compass. / Well, there's nothing wrong with my moral compass, but... / All right, well, why don't we tell Kitty that?

Well, the set up is very important, Stevie. Uh, legs so far apart, - knees slightly bent. - Ooh! Make sure you're nice and balanced over the ball. Yeah, woo!

Right, okay, so just first off, spread your legs just a little wider, if you would, for me. There, see, Stevie? They've gotta be like, sort of even with the shoulders, and if you would just pop the old tush... Just go, Bam!

Are you using the Vargon grip? I'm using La Va Grande.

Yeah, this is just a little hard to understand, so I want a record of it. Okay, delete that, please! Can I get a copy of that?

They sell Christmas stuff all year round... And what on earth is a Christmas World?

A word to the wise, okay? You don't vote against Christmas. It's huge business.

We don't wanna get on their naughty list.

I shouldn't come home. I shouldn't... I shouldn't come home.

I want to see the look on your face when you walk into your first regional association of municipalities conference.

I mean, it's really kinda scary that we're all in here under one roof.

They have a special RAMC cocktail. It's a sparkling white Russian. The trick is to get it down before it curdles.

That's my man, Johnny!

Honey, what I do in the privacy of my sheets is my own business.

I am 99.999% sure that nothing happened between me and your wife.

I spent 35 minutes this morning inspecting every inch of my body for bite marks, back scratches, lipstick prints.

Now act like you're talking to me. / I am talking to you. / No. Not like that. It's got to be more conversational.

Tell him that we're doing something together tonight, okay? Tell him... you're taking me for a haircut tonight. / Haircut?

Can I ask you something? Um, do you have even the slightest concept of what just happened here?

Full house. Read 'em and weep. / And I think I come in second because I got a pair of Queens. / There's no second place, Roland.

And I think I come in second because I got a pair of Queens. There's no second place, Roland.

Yeah, I guess it's another trip to Bob's laundromat, right? You know, because he keeps taking us to the cleaners.

Ahhh. Like if she had an 'accident' or something? / I don't mean bump her off, Roland.

Kosher? / And halal. / Gwen, you called it!

I don't think you want to drive, Roland. / I don't mind. I love driving. / I don't think you do. / Yeah, I don't love driving. Not at night. No! / And I'm drunk.

And Roland... well, you know... I don't even know if you know the rules. / I don't know all of them. No.

Bob's Bench... So is the bench.

You all look like cartoons.

$20 bucks, I'll give you a hand taking it in. $30 buck, I'll help you in with it. $40 buck and I'll help you in with in. I can keep going up. Can play this game all day, pal.

I started drinking tea in high school.

You're Damien Steele? - Shh! Come on, I don't want the whole town to find out.

the mayor of the town can't use his real name to check into a love motel. - Yeah, it's not a love motel, Roland.

if you know what I mean. - Yeah, you just told me what you mean.

If you catch my drift. - Yeah, I caught your drift when you told me what you mean.

re the toilet that died in Room 4, the plumber will be here in a few hours. He said he'd be here sooner, but he has another autopsy.

I saw a lot of dead bodies when I was a kid, und I would say that I turned out pretty okay.

Maybe he'll even get to take one home. Ooh.

Besides wanting to keep me as your husband? Am I right, Johnny? / Oh, I need to be a part of this

I'm pregnant! We're having a baby. / Twyla, I'm gonna have the bottomless French Onion soup, and maybe you might wanna drop a little calamari on the table

Champagne for everybody, on me! / I can't drink, Rollie. / Oh right, you're driving

Roland, what are you talking about? Well, you are gonna be thanking me pretty soon for saving your bacon, so I just thought I'd give you some gift ideas.

And I'm sorry, but we all know how Rose Video turned out!

Johnny, it's me! I'm the guy! I know you're the guy, I got that as soon as I said where's the guy?

Yeah, that's probably a good idea, I don't wanna commit until I know I like it.

Well Johnny, how's it going to look to have the mayor of the town changing sheets?

And Jocelyn had to sell her Beanie Baby collection. And she didn't get half what that Diana bear was worth.

Beer fridge reveal and Roland's casual setup

Joce wanted a little extra space for the new baby, and I thought why not help out a buddy in the process?

Would that staff member be you? Yes, it would. I'm gonna have 'em after lunch.

Oh God... you knock me out, kid.

I dunno, maybe it's your dry wit, you know, that never quite hits the target.

Although they could be friends too, I don't know, they could be brothers and friends. Guys, how would you describe your relationship?

Wow! I just upgraded my wand! Two more levels and I'll have enough opals to buy the harp.

Boy, it's strange, I can almost still smell her perfume.

sometimes I wear Jocelyn's robe when she's outta town.

I want you to be the godfather to my child.

It's not an offer, Johnny, it's an offer you can't refuse.

No, from Casino. / Okay, fine. It wasn't Casino, Brando wasn't in Casino

Our house inspector said that our furnace could go any day. Oh, and I'm thinking of getting Joce his-and-hers cliff diving lessons for her birthday.

Roland choking and saying he's okay

I'll give you a bite you can't refuse.

Do you wanna have a bite? I'll give you a bite you can't refuse.

I used a guy this weekend. Yeah, Gwen locked me out. By accident.

It's either my birthday, or Gloria Estefan's.

Okay, turns out it's Gloria's, September 1, 57.

Well, the sticky note, I believe, is also in the safe.

Well that, I will admit, is my blunder.

Do you know that I've been given three different aprons because of my barbecue skills? Let's see, I've got License to Grill, I've got Working Grill, oh and I have Grills Just Wanna Have Fun.

I've got the perfect apron for ya, Poor Little Rich Grill. / I'll get it made up.

Where are we, Barcelona?

good luck on getting your mitts on a Von Schlegell! Am I right, guys?

I'm sorry, is that supposed to be a baby? - Yeah, it's pretty realistic, isn't it? I got it at the dollar store in Elmdale. I didn't even have to pay for it, honey. They just gave it to me.

Uh, no, that there is grandpa's ashes, and no, you cannot move it, it's bolted down. There's been a lot of urn thefts lately.

I gotta tell you two, this timesheet you have is really complicated. By the time I finished filling it out, I was already into overtime. So do you guys have an overtime sheet I can fill out?

Well, boy, leave it to Stevie to get a rash from a moisturizer when she's sitting right next to poison oak.

Uh, correct me if I'm wrong here, Johnny, but I don't think poison oak is that expensive.

Roland's phone. Hey, Bob. Roland, hang up. Yeah, uh, Johnny's tellin' me I gotta hang up. Yes, they're both here, staring at me. Johnny has that upset look on his face

That's the perfect way to describe it, Bob

How 'bout a car wash? Or maybe a brow trim for Johnny?

Roland, Jocelyn's in labor. What? Wh-when did she, why didn't she call me? I gotta call her. I need my phone. I can't... Where's my phone? I can't find my phone?

Is a little harsh, but he's definitely slippery, I'll give ya that. I'm standing right here, Bob

There she is! Okay, I found it! Third time's a charm! Rolie, you made it! You may step down, ma'am, I thank you for your service

Oh, what a handsome guy. He looks just like me. And yet, he's handsome.

So, we'd like you to say hello to Roland Moira Schitt

Look at that, the two Moira's. Take him, John, my hands are shaking

I'd appreciate my invitation about a week in advance, okay? - Well, if I have things my way, we'll be making this an annual tradition, so you can save the date now. - No, that's way too far in advance, I can't make that kinda commitment.

I can't make that kinda commitment.

Roland's fears escalate to 'I go home and he's playing strip backgammon with my wife'

Roland continues: 'I look in the mirror and it's Johnny's face staring back at me?'

Yeah, I'm the gutter guy, Johnny. Everybody knows I'm the gutter guy!

Roland continues paranoid spiral: 'I go to my dermatologist, and Johnny's there getting my moles checked?'

What's gonna happen next? I go to my dermatologist, and Johnny's there getting my moles checked?

word on the street is that you're in a little hot water with Moira, huh?

Do you know what a burnt under-wire smells like?

Although, Gwen thinks it's probably a lost cause. She's thinks you might be a sexaholic.

We're trying to save your marriage, bud! Although, Gwen thinks it's probably a lost cause. She's thinks you might be a sexaholic.

Affairs, plural? Oh.

All he'd have to bring is a couple of sides, a bottle of wine, and something nice for the house. Nothing cheap.

Yes, and it's actually pronounced 'lee-as-on.' And my name is actually pronounced 'Ro-lahnd.'

If you would uh, how do you say, um, voulez-vous with me please.

I gave myself a promotion.

I left a doggie bag of pot roast on your pillow.

I've come up with the perfect excuse for you to buy yourself a brand new hot water heater! / Still waiting for the good news.

As soon we get uh, 'El Tightwad' here to loosen up the purse strings.

Yeah, it might be Johnny's aftershave. I'm-I'm sorry, it is pungent.

LOL.

Well, not all of us can drive around in an 8 cylinder car. / It's a '78 Lincoln, and it's all we could afford! / Right, '78. Vintage.

But unfortunately, the couple that massages us can only do it once a month, so...

and believe me, he will, he will have... the baby binder to hold his hand.

I've got him. I've got him, Jocelyn. / Well, I know why. It's because you don't trust the guy, and believe me, I don't either, but we're in this now, so...

Looking so elegant for a night of babysitting. Just dressed to the nines in choking hazards.

Okay Johnny, just don't do anything I wouldn't do. / What?

You know, I almost think I like him better asleep than awake.

What are we gonna watch, a silent movie from your childhood?

Oh wow, this looks like the videos Joce and I used to make.

And now they're gonna come and do it again!

Fast forward! - Oh! - Jesus.

Mr. Rose saw me topless. - Oh! Oh! - No! No!

Well, I did just think of one thing. - Please don't! - It's more of a limerick.

Whoa! Aah! Stevie! Your friend just responded!

they say that babies fall asleep quickest when they're surrounded by an eerie, almost crypt-like silence

Organic. Listen to me! Who am I? Gwyneth Paltrow?

If he gets cranky, give him some applesauce. - Those are $10 a jar!

I got electrocuted three times, and the last time I didn't bounce back quite as fast.

I don't know why she was wearing that rubber dress when she cut that wire, but it saved her life.

I asked you to mow the lawn three times, Roland, so you being here is more your decision than mine.

Oh, no, no! I do get that all the time, though. It's uh, you know, you've got David's handsome looks there, and then my face.

It's uh, you know, you've got David's handsome looks there, and then my face.

More like, runs it into the ground.

But uh, I'll have to admit, I've been somewhat of a skeptic about those two. This one isn't as progressive as the rest of us. It's a generational thing with him. I was talking about the store, Roland.

Really? Because it kind of seems like the two of you just found out some really shocking information.

Correct me if I'm wrong here, Johnny. But it kinda seems like they didn't know their son is in a relationship with David.

For one thing, the war is over. Ohhh!

I'm gonna put everything I got on the other team.

There are no sons in baseball!

The next time I need a sub, remind me to ask the blind goat over at Mrs. Divine's farm.

You were a lot nicer when I was talking to you over there.

Uh-oh, Davey got busted!

pharmacies hand those out for free on Halloween.

I mean, meeting my best friend's son's boyfriend's parents for the very first time, I am very touched that you wanted me to share this moment with you.

Oh, no, no! I do get that all the time, though. It's uh, you know, you've got David's handsome looks there, and then my face.

More like, runs it into the ground.

Oh, we do have a lot of fun around here, don't we? / We do, sometimes.

But uh, I'll have to admit, I've been somewhat of a skeptic about those two. / This one isn't as progressive as the rest of us. It's a generational thing with him.

Really? Because it kind of seems like the two of you just found out some really shocking information.

Huh. Correct me if I'm wrong here, Johnny. But it kinda seems like they didn't know their son is in a relationship with David.

Roland's extended fire metaphors about Moira's roasting ability

Look at your face! 'Oh Roland, I'm sorry, did I go too far?'

Oh pal, you are going to get eaten alive tonight!

Johnny's 'rippers' and 'starched sleeve' banter

I could do without the musky aroma though, whew!

Just like your youth, right, old man?

You can try, I don't think you'll have much luck. The poor guy died of a heart attack.

The last time I was in one was with Lenny. Although he didn't stay very long.

Kind of looks like a vampire. A little skittish when approached

if you have a taser, you may want to use it

I don't know how you're gonna feel about this, but I'm gonna need some hair samples

She planned her brother-in-law's funeral for under a hundred bucks

Why do they call them toaster pops if it says on the box, 'Do not toast'?

Well, it sounds to me like you two dodged a bacon-wrapped bullet. I'll say it again: life is but a strand of happy accidents.

I'm-I'm not sure about that. / No surprise there, Johnny, I told you she's not the visionary you and I are.

Betty is Benny's wife... Huh, Betty and Benny? What are they, puppets? It's the Benny and Betty Show! I'm Betty. I'm Benny. I'm Betty!

She may have said viewing.

Johnny, language, please! A man is dead.

you can tell the quality of a motel by the food they serve at the owner's funeral.

had another bonspiel to go to, and unfortunately that bonspiel was way more important than Benny's bonspiel, so we had to go to that bonspiel.

Johnny and I used to play bingo with Maureen, right after curling.

Too bad it's not an open casket. I would've loved to say goodbye to old Benny's face.

Yeah, and look at the way this guy bounced back from total financial ruin.

We don't offer faith-based loans. / I am the mayor. You already mentioned that. / did I mention I went steady with your mom? Unfortunately, you did.

Okay, then I'm out. I got nothing.

the other day, I got a look at Bob's financial statement on his desk in the office, and that garage is doing great! Plus, he got plugs last year, but... you didn't hear that from me.

Rose's, I hope you like fish, 'cause I think we just reeled in a big one.

How often do good friends get a chance to sit around and, uh, and talk? Right! And, you know, I didn't get a chance to tell you before, but that is one snazzy outfit.

We... are buying into the business. Say hello to your new business partners. / So, we have the motel? We sure do. Now, first order of business, we need name tags.

if it's good enough for Bill Gates to invest in, it's, uh, good enough for us to invest in.

Who am I, you buying your car?

If we're gonna split it up, I call the money.

I left a pack of chewing gum at the movie theatre two weeks ago, and I haven't gone back for it.

It's called global warming, Johnny.

Or gal. This is the 21st century, Johnny.

Do you realize that this soda is made with 99% real drink. You can't argue with that kind of math.

Your sexist instincts were right as usual.

And by the way, whatever you're doing is A-okay with me. But unfortunately Professor Prude here is not too keen on 'squatters.'

Or gals. - No, never women.

Good job, Roland. - You're a professional, Roland.

First off, we now have electricity. (Laughs)

you look like a guy who had a million bucks, but then lost it. (Laughs)

How'd she end up with you?

Crrrash and burn, Johnny

that was probably because women used to close out their tabs and go home when you came into the bar

Which is what the women used to say to each other when they saw you walking through the door

Which is that what your matchmaker said!

Maybe Patrick should get 'the talk' from old Uncle Roland.

Anyone think I might like a sleepover? - Ew... Ew!

I'm sorry, taut? What is that, old English? How bout I hold it tight?

Oh, I guess martinis work better than wax, huh?

we'd be swapping mattresses.

You describe the town as, and I quote, 'the last place you'd ever wanna end up.' - Oh no, I described the town as the last place I'd ever want to end up.

this could be the biggest scandal since we installed the church wheelchair ramp backwards

we can't afford another 'ramp-gate'

It's printed right here on the cover of the book that he's handing out to all of you.

And I'm the boss you're gonna come to when you don't understand why this guy is making you read about VHS tapes.

Well, I gave one of my kidneys to my cousin Bruce. Uh, we can see how I run on an empty tank.

I went to school with a guy who starts 'accidental' fires. I mean, worse comes to worst, we could collect the insurance money.

because Bruce told me my kidney was garbage.

I mean at this point, I'm willing to sell my baseball signed by Geena Davis.

What if we bought 30 more motels? Right now.

A wise man once wrote: 'You miss 100% of the tapes you don't play'.

That's just the dedication, Roland. / That's as far as I got, Johnny. I'm sorry, I'm partial to historical fiction.

I got a hot little BLT over at the café and I don't wanna keep her waitin'.

if the local papers ask me about the rumour that you might be getting a phone call...

You're waiting on a call from him, too?

You mean Mike Morrison. / You're waiting on a call from him, too?

Johnny, woo! Look at me. I'm you. I can't believe your suit fits me, we're completely different sizes. And I have a much more athletic build.

Agree? - Agree. - Sure.

Billion dollar company and none of us can stop technology from cacking out, am I right?

What are you guys pumpin' in here, pollen? Do you mind if I have some of that water there, please. - Jesus. - Oh gosh! - Roland! What are you doing? - What?

Johnny, even I was impressed, and I thought you had blown it for all of us. Didn't you have a briefcase?

What was in that briefcase anyway? - Nothing. You told me to look intimidating. So I brought a briefcase.

So you're like a businesswoman now. - Damn right I am. - I sealed the deal. It was really me.

Well, Johnny, if you wanna be an executive, you gotta drive like an executive. It might be a bit premature spending all this money.

I told the salesman I was just taking it around the block. But then I thought, maybe some cinnamon buns might just buy us a sun roof.

Something can fall from the ceiling and just go Bffggghhh! I'm dead! Okay. - Not me though, I'm prepared.