Roland Schitt

Roland:So if you're looking for an ass to kiss, it's mine!

Roland:The gals can grab the bags. You follow me, all right? Right this way. Watch it, honey. Here we come.

Roland:Oh, my God, this takes me back to high school. You know, I did the deed in just about every room in this place.

Roland:Yep, if a forensic team came in here with one of those blue lights, this place would just light up!

Roland:And there's the bed. I should probably pull off that cover and burn it.

Roland:Have a ball in the land down under! Ever wanna ride a kangaroo?

Roland · John:Oh, looks like you got all the channels except for Channel 19 for some reason. I don't know why. / Well, the thing is we won't be watching a lot of television. But again, thank you. Don't want to keep you. I know you're a busy man.

Roland:Do you mind if I use your toilet?

John · Roland:Is it absolutely necessary? / Yeah, I would say it's absolutely necessary!

Roland:Yes, that train has left the station, if you know what I mean!

Roland:Jeez. Um… Boy. Remind me to get that window fixed. It will not open.

Roland · John:Oh, look! You've got Channel 19! / Roland, could you get the fuck out?

Roland:I'll just get the fuck out of here. [Roland leaves saying the exact phrase John used]

John · Roland:Roland, I see you behind the truck! / Yeah, of course you see me. I'm looking at my gravel. Gravel these days. What are you gonna do?

Roland · John:You see, you did a bad thing. You disrespected me in front of your family! And now they think less of me. / I doubt that's possible.

Roland:When I was a kid and I did a bad thing, my father took the doors off my room. And he said to me, 'Roland, privacy is earned.'

Roland:Nothing. I just got mad and I took your doors.

Roland · John:Well, there was no apology and I can't do this anymore! / You said you're sorry in a very sweet and humble way, and that takes a big man to do that. And that's what Johnny Rose is! A big man!

Roland:So Johnny Rose wants the ol' Johnny Hancock, huh?

Roland:Johnny, you want that, to get that you need this. So let's just do this my way.

Roland:Come on, folk, please sit. Come on, I'm just the mayor for crying out loud.

Roland · Jocelyn:So David, tell us about yourself I hear you're a gallerist. / Wow. There's a $10 dollar word.

Roland/Jocelyn · Roland:Wow... / Heady stuff.

Roland · John · Roland:I know it's gotta be in here somewhere, slippery little bastard. / Maybe a fork would help, Roland? / Oh, that's sweet. Thank you. I'm okay. I'll find it.

Roland:Ohh! Oh my God, honey... oh, that is good. That is good.

Roland · Moira:Oh, there it is! There it is! The Vivien Blake bitch face! / Excuse me?

Roland:I could be doing cartwheels in a thong in front of that television, which I have done, but if your show was on, I was as good as wallpaper.

Roland · John · Roland:Hey, how many people did you slap on that show? / I don't care. / She can't remember, there were so many slaps.

Roland:I will go ahead and sign off on the sale... / Good. / ...For a slap.

Roland:It's true. We've role-played it like a thousand times, but it's not the real thing.

Roland · Moira · Roland · John:- Slap me! - I won't. - Slap me like a bitch! - Sign the fucking contract!

Roland · John · Roland · Roland:Just remember one thing, okay? This is my town and you're gonna play by my rules. Comprende? / [long pause] / I'm just messing with you, man! / Or am I? / No. I am.

Roland · John · Roland · John · Roland:Seriously, Johnny, good luck selling the town. You sure gonna need it. / Why's that? / Well, it took a while to sell the first time. I mean, it was on the market for like what 20 years before you bought it. / 20 years? / Yeah. I mean, most people just thought it was a waste of money that it would never sell, you know? Who in their right mind would buy it! Then along came you.

Roland:Roland defends his great-grandfather Horace Schitt: 'He discovered this land, he developed it, and he turned it into the little slice of heaven that it is.'

Roland:Roland: 'Oh my go... that is so demented!' — then immediately: 'Sure, I... I see it, but you got it all wrong, pal!'

Roland · Johnny:'That isn't even Horace's wife! That's his sister.' / 'Well, how does that make it any better?'

Roland:Roland: 'I don't know how they do things where you come from, but around these parts, we don't do that sort of thing with our sisters!'

Roland:Roland: 'Doesn't drive in cars, he won't use anything plastic. Good luck with birth control, right?'

Roland:Roland: 'If he'd listened to me, he wouldn't be sitting in a hut, making his own underwear.'

Roland · Johnny:Roland: 'You and the wife wanna bump the old uglies, huh?'

Roland:Roland: 'You've been out to sea for a while, you wanna bring the boat into port and maybe... get your mast scrubbed.'

Roland · Jocelyn · Johnny:Roland tells Jocelyn 'Sex life's in the crapper' the moment Jocelyn walks in

Jocelyn · Roland:Jocelyn: 'And feel free to use the restraints.' / 'We keep 'em under the bed.'

Roland:Roland: 'Pick a safe word.'

Roland · Johnny:Roland: 'Is that the tickle trunk?' — referring to the Roses' luggage

Roland:Bob has a little prayer here he'd like to offer up. Just a little convo with the big man upstairs for a second.

Roland:So how are your bowels? Good and tight?

Roland:You kinda seem like an indoors-y sort of guy to me. You know, delicate. Fragile. Scrimpy.

Roland · David:Oh, you got soft hands. / Okay, thank you. Thanks.

Johnny · Roland:Roland mowing the lawn so loudly that Johnny can't ask to borrow the truck — Johnny's escalating attempts to be heard

Roland:Well, what can I do for you, you 'dumb son of a...'?

Roland · Johnny:The extended truck-borrowing negotiation — Roland adding conditions after already saying yes

Roland:'Yeah well, I guess your imaginary friend uses wiper fluid, right?'

Roland:'The radio was at a four. I like it at a ten, so...' — Roland's final condition before Johnny walks

Johnny · Roland:I don't touch the wiper fluid! / Well, okay, somebody did. / Yeah well, I guess your 'imaginary friend' uses wiper fluid, right?

Roland:The radio was at a four. I like it at a ten, so...

Roland:Okay, don't wanna tell me where we're going, interesting.

Johnny · Roland:Johnny's escalating evasion about where he's going — 'a financial guy... a financial matter... a guy I'm doing business with' — as Roland probes

Roland:Jeez pal, your business is your business. I don't know why you're telling me!

Roland · Marnie:Marnie and I were, um, how shall I say it? 'Close friends' in high school. Isn't that right, Marnie? / Okay, that's enough of that.

Roland · Marnie:(Chuckles) Marnie likes the bad boys. / Roland! / Are you taking care of my bad boy over there?

Marnie · Roland · Johnny:Well, unfortunately, Mr. Rose doesn't qualify for unemployment because he's never had a job. / Oh well, didn't he tell you about the job he was doing for me? / No, what job? / You didn't tell her? / No-no, not specifically, I-I-uh...

Marnie · Roland · Johnny:What were some of the things you fetched? / You fetched like uh... / Coffee. / Coffee, you'd get that... / Sometimes you'd have to... / Get a hankie. / No, you'd pick up, you know... / Cleaning, his dry cleaning. / Yeah, you'd have to do that... / Just when he didn't have time.

Roland · Marnie:He was a hell of a worker and I really, really needed him, because you know how busy I can get. / (Sly chuckle) Yes I do. / (Chuckles)

Roland:Yeah, unfortunately I had to can his ass though, because of that whole 'cut the gravy' thing, so.

Roland · Johnny:One day, and that day may never come, I may call upon you to perform a function. / Marlon Brando! / Yes, but from what movie? / The Godfather. / No, it's the one where he's the big mafia guy. / The Godfather! / Hold on a second, I'll think of it.

Roland · Johnny:Why don't you just get me a little wiper fluid, and we'll call it even, okay? / Okay, wiper fluid, you got it. / And also maybe a Kleenex caddy? / I've always wanted one of those. / That's funny! / It is, but I'm not joking.

Roland · Johnny:You broke into his cabin and had sex while he and his wife were in the next room. Oh... That's Bob.

Roland:Mm. Yeah. Shouldn't bother Carl.

Jocelyn · Roland:We're having a huge party tonight. Ton of people coming to our house. / Big. / But we're free any other night other than tonight.

Moira · Roland:I'm sorry, what kind of event are you hosting this evening? / Event. / Oh, it's more of a soiree.

Roland:We have a big one hanging in the garage.

Roland · Johnny:Hey, who turned off Don Ho? / Aloha, Roses! / It's the Schitts! / Yeah, there you go.

Roland · Jocelyn:The Schitts arrive at the Ted party — 'Aloha, Roses!' and Roland's Hawaiian shirt energy crashing what was a quiet dinner

Roland · Johnny:I just wanna wipe my hands all over that! / Oh! / You just keep getting funnier. / I'm not joking though, I really do.

Roland · Moira:Moira, I have to ask you. Are those wigs real hair? I just wanna reach out and just touch them... / No, Maureen does not like to be manhandled!

Roland · Johnny:If I tell you a secret, you promise to keep it? / Uh, no, I don't think we would.

Roland:I'm the guy in charge of upholding [the law], so if you have any ideas about turning me in, you'd just be turning me in to myself.

Roland · Moira · Johnny:I don't know if you guys wanna partake in this, because I'm sure your fancy dinner parties didn't have illegal substances. / Illegal substances. / Amateurs. / We had friends in the FDA, but... / When in Rome...

Roland · Johnny:Well, damn, Roses! / Let this party begin. / I'll fire up the cheese fountain.

Roland:My son lives in a barn in the woods, by choice.

Roland:He could be the next mayor of this town...

Johnny · Roland:My son is pansexual. / Mm-hmm. / I've heard of that. / I know what that is, that's, uh, that cookware fetish. / No. / No, no. / No, he loves everyone. Men, women, women who become men, men who become women.

Roland · Johnny:We can't tell our kids who to love. / Who said that? / You did. / When? / You just said it now! / When? / Now, right this second. You just said it. / And you're right. You can't tell them.

Roland · Johnny:Roland: 'Well, dinner at our place. Problem solved.' — offered as a solution to Moira's fancy birthday venue problem

Roland · Johnny:Johnny suggests to Roland the cover story is 'Jocelyn is throwing her annual charity fundraiser.' Roland replies: 'She hasn't mentioned anything to me about it.'

Johnny · Roland:Johnny has to explain: 'It's not a real fundraiser, Roland. It's just a pretend fundraiser to get Moira out of the house.'

Johnny · Roland:The full 'I know/you know/she doesn't know' logic loop between Johnny and Roland about the birthday

Johnny · Roland:'Tell me you understand the plan.' / 'Yes, Johnny, I understand the plan! Jeez! And I don't appreciate being talked to like a child!'

Roland:'So, I am gonna need a lift to Elmdale.' — Roland, immediately after the heated explanation, casually drops a new request

Roland · Johnny:Roland arrives at the café, opening with 'Hey. Hey. Sorry I'm late, Johnny. Had a little memorising to do.'

Roland:Roland's fundraiser pitch: 'an annual... Elegant dress-up event that Jocelyn is hosting. Well, no, I'm not inviting you, but I'm saying we're... We'll see each other there.'

Roland:Roland: 'Well, no, I'm not inviting you, but I'm saying we're... We'll see each other there. At the very big event that Jocelyn is hosting.'

Roland · Johnny:Roland apologises to Johnny mid-pitch: 'Oh, sorry, Johnny. Let me start over here.' — Johnny: 'Why are you apologising to me?'

Roland:Roland lands on the cause: 'No, no. It's a fundraiser for the thing with the children that... The... With the mouth... Cleft palates.'

Roland:Roland adds: 'And Joc' does it every year...' — implying a made-up fundraiser has now been established as an annual tradition

Roland:Johnny: 'It's hard to look at those kids and all that, I get it.' — Roland, trying to cover for Moira potentially not coming

Roland:After the chaotic pitch, Roland says: 'I think that went well.'

Johnny · Moira · Roland:Told you I'd sell this town. Didn't I tell you? / Yes. Not to diminish your accomplishment, but you did say that a handful of times. / I think eight, to be exact. / It bears repeating.

Roland:I don't wanna piss in your punch bowl, okay, but, um, I got a bad feeling about this buyer guy of yours.

Roland:He called me while he was bumping uglies with his old lady. / Oh, no, really? / But that's not the problem. The problem is he put me on the speakerphone.

Roland · Johnny:I mean, that's something you would do. / No, no. That's not something I would do. / And I can't deal with another you.

Roland:And here's the kicker, the second one was a hooker, too!

Andy · Roland · Johnny:Oh. Oh. / Slow down there, pal. We got dinner coming and a big dessert after. / Oh. Oh. / Sex in a pan. / Then we'll have dessert.

Roland:You know what? I think I should let you guys do the nasty. And then sign the contract.

Johnny · Moira · Roland:Sign on... What's happening? / What? Oh, my God! Andy! Andy! / We had him, we had him. / Okay, put the pen — / Ah! / Sign! He was going to sign. / Andy? / He wanted to sign, Johnny. / That's it, that's it. / Just on the line. / What is happening here? / What? What happened? Oh, no! Andy! What happened? / Circulation, Johnny! Circulation in his hand!

Roland:Roland: 'What, are you here to tell me Alexis has skipped town with my lawn mower?!'

Jocelyn · Roland · Moira:Jocelyn to Roland: 'Roland, these people have literally hit rock bottom, they're not in the mood for your jokes right now.' — then immediately adds 'She is.' pointing at Moira

Roland · Johnny:Roland: 'Statistics tell us you have a 48 hour window before you can assume somebody is dead.' Johnny: 'Yeah, I just said it's been three days.'

Roland:Roland's phone call — he spends a minute on pleasantries ('I'm good, how about you? Terrific.') before getting to the news that they found the truck

Roland · Johnny:Roland reports they found the truck — 'And David.' / 'Well, that didn't come up.'

Roland:Roland trying to reassure: 'Well I think they would've told me if there's a dead body with the truck, honey.'

Roland:Roland's entrance: 'David! I'm so glad to see you back home, all safe and sound.' — followed immediately by 'And I don't want you to worry, I'm not gonna press charges, okay?'

David · Roland:David's extended, painful apology — 'Uh...!' of reluctance before every sentence, long pauses, and 'I feel really bad about it.' followed by Roland: 'But do you, David?'

Roland · Johnny:'Okay, now let's talk about gas. I'm thinking thirty cents on the mile.' / 'I think we're done here, Roland!'

Roland:Oh really, honey? Because this pie is scorching!

Roland:Gary? Our dentist??

Roland:Oh no, we don't mind you using our kitchen, as long as you make extra for us, and leave a ten spot over there for the hydro.

Moira · Jocelyn · Roland:That I can do! I'll be back in ten, to a clean kitchen! / A clean kitchen. / I just cleaned the kitchen!

Roland:Yeah well, they kinda smell like enchiladas, so...

Johnny · Roland:The family eating the enchiladas in near-silence, then: 'Not bad. Not bad, you two! Not bad at all!'

Roland · John · Moira:Roland appears uninvited: 'Sure, I'll come in, but just for a second.' — having not been invited at all

Roland · John:Roland describes where he was thinking: 'I don't wanna tell you where I was thinking, but it was a small room in my house, and I was sitting down...'

Roland · John:Roland describes shopping: 'you go in, you get... you know, look at the stuff on the racks, and you pick out the color that you like, and then you try it on...' John: 'You're just describing what shopping is.'

Roland:'shopping together on the down low' — Roland's phrase for what is just normal shopping

Roland · John:Roland: 'So you wanna-so you wanna go now? It's a little time sensitive, that's the only thing.'

Roland · John:Roland, describing what he wants for Jocelyn: 'Now, we need a top, and we need a bottom. Like a skirt, something like that, which I know you're familiar with 'cause you're wearing one.'

Roland:Roland reveals he and Jocelyn role-play 'Devil Wears Prada': 'She plays Meryl, and I play the nervous but ambitious intern who's new to the city.'

David · Roland:David: 'Oh, so you're the... so you-you're the Anne Hathaway in that situation?' Roland: 'I don't know who that is.'

Roland:Roland: 'Oh, that's a good one! We haven't tried that one yet.' — enthusiastically about the streetwalker role-play suggestion

Roland · David:Roland: 'this man has a woman's touch.' David: 'I don't... I don't know what that means.'

Roland:Roland: 'Everything in here is like one big, tacky blouse.'

Roland · Wendy:Roland, presented with new blouse options: 'Are they durable?' Wendy: 'Durability a given here at the Blouse Barn.'

Roland:Roland: 'Hell, we've played every Streep movie.'

Roland:Roland: 'God, you're like a fancy dinner plate that you don't wanna nudge off the edge of the table.'

David · Roland:David: 'I don't have a lot to my name right now, but I do have one thing.' Roland: 'Self-respect?' David: 'No, taste.'

Roland:Roland: 'If I wasn't so easily swayed by powerful women in a retail environment, I would've been there for you.'

Roland:Roland: 'Well Johnny, I'm about to make you the most popular guy in room 6.' — revealing he has the mattress

Roland:Roland to John: 'I'm about to make you the most popular guy in room 6.'

Roland · John:Roland offers the mattress for $200 — 'That's a dollar less than you paid for it!' John protests

Roland:Roland reveals why they're selling: 'Yeah, not enough bounce for the bumps, if you know what I mean.'

Roland:Roland: 'But given your advanced years, it might just be the thing for you and Moira.'

Roland · David:Roland: 'Hey, someone get my camera!' David: 'Nobody get a camera!'

Johnny · Roland · Bob:Morning, boys. / Hi, Johnny. / Ahem! / Oh man! Oh, boy.

Roland · Bob:Do you guys wanna see a card trick? / Oh, I do. / Okay, first thing I need is a deck of cards.

Roland:Your office? Uh, well that's kind of interesting, Johnny, because I don't remember seeing your application for a new business license.

Bob · Roland:To be a fly on the wall for this conversation! / Bob, you're in the room.

Roland:You know, Johnny, it's kind of standard procedure for new businesses to register. But then again, I guess you don't really have a lot to register, do you?

Roland:Ooooh! Stupid... baby.

Roland:I'll tell you what, Johnny, instead of the license fee, I'll just take a bite of your muffin. Mmm! Good! Mmmm! Mm! Mm!

Roland · Johnny:I assumed I would be consulted before we made any major decisions about the bagel business. / What decisions?! / Well, hiring Ivan for one thing, I don't have good feeling about that guy. I think he's ex-KGB.

Johnny · Roland:Roland, there is no bagel business! Okay, it was just a stupid idea I made up because you were right. / Well, I know that! / Right about what?

Roland · Johnny · Bob:Johnny, I think you have something you'd like to say to Bob. / You don't wanna use the name Bob? / Oh, I get it, go with something a little more old testament?

Johnny · Roland:You would've given me money? / No, of course not, but as your partner... / You're not a partner! Not my partner.

Bob · Roland · Johnny:You know, next time uh... I should probably see a business plan so I don't invest so much in another uh, hollow scheme. / Yeah, me too. / You didn't invest. / Yes, and whose fault is that?

Roland:I was just hoping to be interrupted by a concerned citizen.

Roland · Bob · Moira:Bob, just concentrate on the minutes, okay? I can tell right now you're behind. — Okay, typing is not my strong suit. — Ray could type without looking at the keys.

Roland · Bob · Moira:Bob, just concentrate on the minutes, okay? I can tell right now you're behind. Okay, typing is not my strong suit. Ray could type without looking at the keys.

Roland · Jennifer:Well, actually, Jennifer had the floor. / Hello.

Roland:I don't think we can help you in that department.

Roland:I didn't know you'd been in prison.

Moira · Roland:No, this is not what I'm trying to say. — What are you trying to say? — That we should strive for something that sets us apart from the prison baby.

Roland · Moira:'Yeah well, I was actually just gonna suggest that.' — 'Before you suggested it.'

Roland:Yeah well, I was actually just gonna suggest that. Before you suggested it.

Roland:Hey, next order of business, we install a ramp here.

Roland:You're a pain in the ass, but you get stuff done.

Moira · Roland:Those boxwood trees? — Oh yes, two sets... — I would lower your expectations. You're lucky if you get some daisies in a planter.

Roland · Moira:Eczema benefit? — Yes, you try enjoying a puff pastry with everyone around you scratching.

Roland · Johnny:Hey Johnny, good morning to you. And Elvis! I'm so glad you could make it.

Roland:Well, because you look like Elvis in that outfit there, you know, and... but the early Elvis, not the...

Johnny · Roland:We came to you because you have a truck. / And because you know if anybody can navigate the dark underworld of the raw milk game, it's me.

Roland:Just remember, if things go south, there's a loaded BB gun in the back.

Roland · Alexis · Johnny:Oh my God, it's the cops! / Don't stop! / No, it's nothing, it's probably an accident! / I'm gettin' out of here! / Roland, Roland! / Close the door! / You're acting like I've never done this before!

Roland:Hey Johnny, Johnny, Johnny! If this turns into a fire fight, um... you're my human shield, and we'll use her as a bargaining chip.

Roland:Just remember, no sudden movements, do not reach for the glove box, and no matter what happens do not tell them your real name.

Officer · Johnny · Alexis · Roland:Jacob? / Jacob. / Jacob? / What?! / She wants you to pull over. / Oh, I'm sorry, I thought you were talking to the other Jacob.

Johnny · Alexis · Roland:Well, there it goes. $400.00 worth of milk. / I feel like this is partly my fault. / Partly?!

Alexis · Roland:Roland was the one who completely blew it back there! / What?! Did you not see me playing that cop? Oh my God, she didn't know which way was up when I was done with her!

Roland · Johnny:Oh come on, guys, let's not end on a down note here, this was a good day, let's end on an up note! / Enough Roland, just get the cans in the truck, please.

Roland · Johnny:Oh, okay. I'll grab one. / Pick it up and put it on the truck! / Yes! Oh... okay. / Grab that one, put that on the truck, and then I'll organize the rest so you can grab 'em, and put 'em on the truck.

Roland · Jocelyn:Well, I hope we didn't catch the two of you with your pants down.

Roland:I'm just joking, I can see they're on.

Roland:it was kind of a political schmoozefest. A lot of pressing of the flesh, and greasing palms, that kind of thing... It wasn't as much fun as it sounds.

Roland · John:Roland holds a fake phone call with Jocelyn: 'Yeah, yes, I will say hi to him for you. Jocelyn says hi, John.'

Roland · John:John says they were 'banging away' on the walls. Roland: 'Now, whatever you and the missus do after hours, that's your business, not mine.'

Roland · John:John clarifies: 'On the walls Roland, with our fists!' Roland: 'And if you're into that kind of stuff, that doesn't bother me at all.'

Roland:Roland: 'Okay look, Johnny, unless you have a warrant, okay? Jocelyn and I are gonna be shutting our door now.'

Roland:Okay look, Johnny, unless you have a warrant, okay? Jocelyn and I are gonna be shutting our door now.

Roland:Roland responds to Moira's demand that he go home and apologize: 'Oh, okay. I'll do that. Um... just one question. Where's Johnny?'

Roland · Moira:Moira: 'I imagine he's at work.' Roland: ''Cause he seemed pretty angry this morning.' Moira: 'I don't know, maybe you need to go home and apologize.'

Roland · Moira:Sorry sweetheart, these walls are pretty thin. — Oh yes, I know.

Roland:I'm sorry, are you complaining about the quality of the free lodging that I arranged for you this past year?

Roland:Roland imitating Moira: 'Hello everyone! I'm Moira Rose, and I know famous people, so I really can't talk to the common folk. Excuse me all, coming through!'

Roland:(Imitating Moira) Hello, everyone! I'm Moira Rose, and I know famous people, so I really can't talk to the common folk. Excuse me all, coming through!

Roland:Okay, well you're a phony baloney blowhard, who's desperately scared of being thought of as a regular person!

Roland:The Moira/Roland insult exchange escalates to Roland: 'You're just a stuck up pencil skirt with clown makeup, and a janitor's mop on your head!'

Roland · Moira:Immediate post-insult mutual regret: Roland: 'Whoa...' Moira: 'Oh.' Roland: 'Well, hold on.' Moira: 'I went too far.' Roland: 'Yeah... Well, I mean, come on.'

Roland · John:Roland reveals he has plastered the town with Jocelyn signs, and John calls it 'overkill a week ago'

Roland · John:Roland's dawning realization: 'Wait. Are you saying that I... had something...' — trailing off guiltily

John · Roland:John and Roland's circular threats: 'if I find out you're accusing me of something I didn't do, then I'm going to accuse you of making false accusations'

Roland · John:Oh. Moira had lawn signs? / She had a few. / Now she has none.

Roland · John:The threats spiral: 'I don't wanna tell you how I respond to threats.' / 'And I don't wanna tell you how I respond to illegal political activity.'

Roland:After the standoff, a long beat, then Roland says simply: 'Maybe.'

John · Roland:Okay, fine, then don't. / Fine, I won't. [beat] Maybe.

Roland · Jocelyn · Johnny · Moira:Roland and Jocelyn crash the café with a dinner gift announcement, only to reveal 'we have a coupon.'

Roland:'That was a close call' — Roland and Jocelyn after nearly ruining the anniversary dinner plans.

Roland · Jocelyn · Johnny · Moira:Roland and Jocelyn appear at the same restaurant — 'we just ran into each other.'

Jocelyn · Roland:Jocelyn to Roland: 'It's their anniversary, Roland, just let them do what they want.' — immediately followed by Roland crashing the table.

Roland:Roland interrupting the emotional reunion: 'You guys haven't ordered yet, have you? Because I need to present this coupon to the waiter first.'

Don · Bev · Roland:Don tells the 'Schittsville' story — the town was 'living up to its name!'

Johnny · Roland · Don:Johnny's attempted protest — 'Let's not go for the low-hanging fruit here, Don.' — Roland immediately endorses Don: 'Please continue, Don. You see, Roland gets it!'

Roland:Roland: 'I think it's good.' — then: 'I ordered the one with the highest alcohol content.'

Roland:Roland interrupts Johnny's heartfelt speech to clarify: 'Just to be clear, Johnny, we were always gonna split the bill, it's just with the coupon...'

Roland:No, it's not the town's problem. You're just going to have to watch where you step. I don't want to hear that!

Jocelyn · Roland · Jocelyn:Oh, sorry, we don't want any. — I'm just joking. Come on in! — No, I'm not!

Roland:That's right, and Fridays, it's strip crib.

Johnny · Roland:Well, thank God it's not Friday. — Well, we can pretend.

Roland · Johnny:But you don't have any money. — Oh, I know I don't have any money, but I need to look like I don't have money.

Roland:Ohhh, okay. Here's what I'm hearing you say, what you're saying is you wanna dress like me, because I look like I don't have any money!

Roland:What do you want, uh PVC, or a Hawaiian shirt?

Roland:Roland arrives and announces he needs to 'check out the new pulp mill' because 'I hear it's breathtaking.' The room reacts as if this is the most boring possible information.

Roland · Bob:Bob: 'Yeah, Roland got me thinking. I hear the floors are so clean you can eat your lunch off them.' / Roland: 'I laid those floors.'

Roland:Roland's metaphor: 'when I first heard that Stevie was hitching her wagon to your cart, the first thing that came into my mind was, whoooa, Nelly! That horse is in big trouble.'

Roland:Johnny's verbal tic impression: 'Ooh Roland, my generation, we don't talk about our feelings, we keep 'em all rawrrr inside!'

Roland · Johnny:Kitty doesn't know what Ken looks like — 'she doesn't know what he looks like?'

Roland:'Oh, Johnny.' — Roland's amused reaction after seeing Kitty leave a room

Roland:Roland's reaction after the penny drops: '(Laughs) Oh, Johnny.'

Roland:'I would hate to have to assert my mayoral authority in a situation like this.'

Roland · Johnny:'Well, I'm glad I helped you fix your uh, broken moral compass.' / 'Well, there's nothing wrong with my moral compass, but...' / 'All right, well, why don't we tell Kitty that?'

Roland · Johnny · Stevie:Roland arrives with Jocelyn's golf visor and glove, offering to give Johnny golf tips 'right here on Johnny'

Roland · Johnny:Roland: 'pop the old tush... Just go, Bam!' — giving Johnny unsolicited and overly physical golf instruction

Johnny · Roland:Johnny: 'Well, I've been golfing for 30 years, Roland.' Roland: 'Wow, I like that.' — before immediately dismissing his technique

Johnny · Roland:Johnny: 'Are you using the Vargon grip?' Roland: 'I'm using La Va Grande.' — two made-up golf grips debated with total confidence

Stevie · Johnny · Roland:Stevie secretly films Roland and Johnny's golf lesson on her phone; Johnny demands she delete it; Roland asks for a copy

Roland:Ladies, if we don't approve this, then Christmas World will take its fake snow, and its all-you-can-drink nog fountain to Elmdale!

Roland:Moira, Moira, Moira. A word to the wise, okay? You don't vote against Christmas. It's huge business. Tourist dollars!

Roland:It's Christmas World! We don't wanna get on their naughty list.

Roland:Roland enthusiastically wants to see Moira's reaction walking into her first RAMC conference — 'And there it is'

Roland · Moira:Roland points out 'the well-dressed one' as Mayor Gavin McCrae — Moira notes he's serving drinks to people; Roland backtracks to 'the other guy over there'

Roland:Roland lists the terrifying powers of RAMC: road salting, quarry inspection, water tower repair — 'It's really kinda scary that we're all in here under one roof'

Roland · Moira:Reporter calls Moira 'the linchpin'; Roland immediately inserts himself and says he is 'Moira's boss'

Roland:Roland explains the RAMC cocktail: a sparkling white Russian — 'The trick is to get it down before it curdles'

Roland:Roland grabs the phone and shouts: 'Hey Johnny, it's Roland! Hey, we're all here at RAMC! You should be here, Mary-something is here... Gavin is here... The road salt guy...'

Moira · Roland · John:Scene cut: Moira is now in bed demanding 'John, shut the blinds' — then 'Johnny, please' — then John is revealed to be Roland

Moira · Roland:Moira screams 'What the fuck are you doing in my room?!' — Roland: 'What are you talking about? This is MY room.'

Roland:Roland explains Moira pounded on his door asking him to 'whip up a salmon plate,' then flaked out on the bed

Moira · Roland:Moira asks if Roland is naked under the sheets; Roland: 'Honey, what I do in the privacy of my sheets is my own business'

Roland:Roland arrives at John's room with beer, says 'Johnny, me and six of my closest friends were hoping we could have a little chat' — referring to the beer

Roland · John:Roland arrives late at night: 'Johnny, me and six of my closest friends were hoping we could have a little chat.' John: 'You're talking about the beer.'

Roland · John:Roland is '99.999% sure nothing happened' — John: 'I'm 100% sure and I wasn't even there!'

Roland:Roland: 'I am 99.999% sure that nothing happened between me and your wife.'

Roland:Roland spent 35 minutes inspecting his own body for 'bite marks, back scratches, lipstick prints' — and found something on the bottom of his foot

Roland · John:Roland: 'Breakfast tomorrow, right?' — cheerfully ignoring the dismissal

Roland · Johnny:Now act like you're talking to me. / I am talking to you. / No. Not like that. It's got to be more conversational. You know, like, um... 'Yes the weather is cold.' / Okay, I'm not following.

Roland · Johnny:Can I ask you something? Um, do you have even the slightest concept of what just happened here?

Bob · Roland · Johnny:Full house. Read 'em and weep. / And I think I come in second because I got a pair of Queens. / There's no second place, Roland.

Roland:Yeah, I guess it's another trip to Bob's laundromat, right? You know, because he keeps taking us to the cleaners.

Roland · Johnny:You know, come to think of it, those matching visors they're a little suspicious. / I don't want to believe this, But ah, I do miss my wristwatch.

Roland:Ahhh. Like if she had an 'accident' or something?

Roland:Gwen's gotta go!

Johnny · Roland · Bob:Kosher? / And halal. / Gwen, you called it!

Gwen · Bob · Roland · Johnny:Oh Gosh, I'm sorry I didn't think of this. But you know, maybe... maybe Roland could go? / He's running pretty low on chips. / Sure. I can drive. / I don't think you want to drive, Roland. / I don't mind. I love driving.

Roland:Yeah, I don't love driving. Not at night. No! / And I'm drunk.

Bob · Johnny · Roland:Well, I guess it wasn't Gwen, was it, Johnny? / [long pause] / Sorry? / [another pause] / Nothing, nothing, Bob.

Roland · Johnny:Well, Uh... / Johnny, why don't you tell Bob your theory. / [pause]

Roland:I don't know all of them. No.

Roland · Bob · Ray:In my defense, I didn't believe any of this, Bob. Gwen is very trustworthy. / Ray, you're tapping your foot. / Okay.

Roland · Johnny:The game is called crazy eights. And the diamond shaped things are wild. / Roland, shush.

Johnny · Roland:How's that watch working out for you? / I love it. / Thanks.

Bob · Roland · Moira:Bob: Who's gonna be the one to tell her? Roland: I'll handle this. Bob: Have I been let go? Should I leave? Roland: No. Bob: I won't make a scene.

Roland · Bob:You still have three and a half more years. [Bob: But who's counting?]

Roland:I mean, yeah, the whole town is named after me, and Bob over here, he's got his bench.

Roland · Ronnie:And Ronnie's got her rec centre. [Ronnie: It's an outdoor tennis court, and last year the net was stolen.]

Roland:Well, she's kind of under selling it there, the rec centre is a major hook-up spot for the kids.

Roland:Honey, it's all about legacy! Your name will forever be associated with this town's name!

Roland · Patrick:Can you drink these? [Patrick: Um, it's liquid moisturizer, for your body, so no, you can't drink them.]

Johnny · Roland:Johnny says 'I was talking to my wife' when Roland answers Moira's question about where they found the portrait

Roland:Roland looks at the family portrait and says 'You all look like cartoons.'

Roland · David · Johnny:Roland repeatedly raises his price offer to help carry the portrait inside, going from $20 to $30 to $40 as David keeps getting called and not hearing

Roland · David:Roland appears: asks if both he and Gwen get plus-ones OR have to be each other's plus-ones. David: 'Who's Gwen?'

Roland · Jocelyn · David:Roland asks if he and Jocelyn both buy foot cream simultaneously, does that count as a 50% discount — David: 'Have you been talking to my dad?'

Roland · Johnny:Roland reveals he made a reservation under 'Damien Steele' to secretly check into the motel for a grad night role-playing tradition with Jocelyn

Roland · Johnny:Roland: 'See, Jocelyn and I have a yearly tradition. Every grad night we like to pretend to be other people... if you know what I mean.' / Johnny: 'Yeah, you just told me what you mean.'

Roland · Johnny:Roland explains the tradition: 'The mayor of the town can't use his real name to check into a love motel.' Johnny: 'Yeah, it's not a love motel, Roland.'

Roland · Johnny:Roland: 'Oh, we've been doing this ever since our own grad night. If you catch my drift.' / Johnny: 'Yeah, I caught your drift when you told me what you mean.'

Roland:Roland interrupting the family toast to note Johnny sold out the motel 'for the first time ever'

Roland · Johnny:Roland takes Jocelyn's Dorito casserole clue that she's pregnant. Roland: 'Well honey, you don't need a special reason for taco night.' / 'Besides wanting to keep me as your husband? Am I right, Johnny?'

Roland:Jocelyn is about to tell Roland the news, and Roland says 'Oh, hold that thought, honey. Hey, Johnny, Moira, Jocelyn's just about to tell me something exciting, come and join us.'

Johnny · Moira · Roland:Johnny desperately trying NOT to be pulled into the conversation: 'No, no, no. No, in fact I am gonna ask again. And again. And again.' Roland: 'Get over here and sit yourself down!'

Jocelyn · Roland:Jocelyn tries to hint: 'The last time I made that casserole was when I was pregnant with Mutt. And I've really been craving that casserole again.' [Long pause.] Roland: 'Well, that's understandable, honey, I mean, it's a terrific casserole. I'd kill for a casserole right now.'

Johnny · Roland:Johnny: 'Rollie, how are you not getting this?' Then Johnny, unable to contain himself: 'Oh, I need to be a part of this.'

Roland · Twyla · Johnny:Jocelyn: 'I'm pregnant!' [Roland: stunned silence. Waitress Twyla appears.] Roland: 'We're having a baby. Hey, I'm gonna have the bottomless French Onion soup, and maybe you might wanna drop a little calamari on the table.' Johnny: 'John!' Roland: 'Yes! Oh, oh, pregnant?'

Roland · Jocelyn · Twyla:Roland: 'Champagne for everybody, on me!' Jocelyn: 'I can't drink, Rollie.' Roland: 'Oh right, you're driving.' Twyla: '...' Roland: 'Uh, you know what Twyla, actually, let's just do one beer, one beer for me.'

Roland:Roland arrives hinting for gifts, saying he's 'obviously a beer guy' but has 'never been known to turn down a fresh bouquet of flowers'

Roland:Roland claims to be the 'middle man' who 'made this all happen' — for a favor Johnny didn't ask for, involving a friend Johnny doesn't know

Roland:Roland's parting shot: 'And I'm sorry, but we all know how Rose Video turned out!'

Roland · Johnny:Roland arrives to pitch himself as the 'devilishly handsome' mystery employee — 'I'm the guy!'

Roland · Johnny:Roland's 'Going once, going twice' auction for Johnny's approval — escalating to 'going 4 times, going 5 times' until Johnny gives in

Roland:Roland: 'Yeah, that's probably a good idea, I don't wanna commit until I know I like it.' — after Johnny calls it a 'trial'

Roland · Johnny:Roland reviews the motel task list and says nothing is in his 'wheelhouse' — including window repair, bathrooms, and changing sheets

Roland:Roland: 'Well Johnny, how's it going to look to have the mayor of the town changing sheets?'

Johnny · Roland:Johnny: 'Uh, we change sheets!' — to which Roland tries to put a 'J' beside that task

Johnny · Roland · Stevie:Johnny: 'what would actually help is if you could clean a toilet or two, but obviously, you're too good for that.' Roland: 'No, I can clean a toilet.' / 'I think we made a mistake, Stevie.' / 'No! I wanna clean a toilet.' / 'We'll hire somebody else.' / 'I need to clean a toilet!'

Johnny · Roland:You need to clean a toilet? — Yeah, I need to Johnny, I... I mean, with the new baby coming, things are a little tight.

Roland:Roland's financial vulnerability reveal: cold cuts and waffles, Jocelyn selling her Beanie Baby collection, Diana bear not getting half what it was worth

Roland · Johnny:Roland: 'She's working nights down at the gas station.' / 'She's working nights?' / 'No, she's not, but she will have to if things get really bad.'

Roland:Roland: 'Now when you say R, does that stand for Rose, as in Johnny Rose...' — after Johnny puts 'R' beside everything

Roland:There's a lotta wasted space in here. I mean this should be an area for guests to come and mix and mingle.

Roland · Johnny:Beer fridge reveal — Roland has installed a full beer fridge in Johnny's office.

Roland:Joce wanted a little extra space for the new baby, and I thought why not help out a buddy in the process?

Roland:Well, you can sell beers to the guests, Johnny, unless of course you're trying not to make money, which would explain a couple of things here.

Johnny · Roland:Would that staff member be you? / Yes, it would. I'm gonna have 'em after lunch.

Roland:Now the big question is where to put the TV?

Roland:Well, Johnny, you can't expect guests to sit around with their beers staring at you.

Roland:Well, Erin Brockovich has just started her job at the law firm, and she's not getting the respect she deserves, because of the way she dresses.

Roland:Turns out, Carmine, here, is a big Albert Finney fan.

Roland · Johnny:Johnny, I thought you were joking. / Why would you think I was joking? / I dunno, maybe it's your dry wit, you know, that never quite hits the target.

Roland:Roland: 'Better than expected, huh?' — assuming Johnny is pleased with the TV setup

Roland:Roland to the guests: 'Keep it on pause, boys.' — treating a management reprimand as an intermission

Roland:It's his brother, Brian. Although they could be friends too, I don't know, they could be brothers and friends. / Guys, how would you describe your relationship?

Roland:Okay, but for the sake of customer service, try to chill out, my man.

Roland · Johnny:Roland playing video games in the motel office at 9 PM while Jocelyn is pregnant at home

Roland · Jocelyn:Oh! / Wow! I just upgraded my wand! Two more levels and I'll have enough opals to buy the harp. / Way to go, honey!

Roland · John · Moira:Roland physically embraces John in tearful grief over Moira's death — 'Let it out' — before being told she's alive and standing right there.

Roland · John:Boy, it's strange, I can almost still smell her perfume. / It's because I was just talking to her.

Roland:Roland: 'Sometimes I wear Jocelyn's robe when she's out of town.'

Roland · John:Roland tells John that Moira's 'death' made him realize he wants John to be godfather to his baby: 'It's a no-brainer, Johnny. I mean, we're best friends.' John: 'Yeah... but are we?'

Moira · Jocelyn · Roland:Moira, while alive and in the room, asks the group to speculate what they would say about her if she were actually dead: 'But theoretically, what do we think we'd be saying right now?'

Roland · Jocelyn:When prompted to say what they'd say at Moira's funeral, Roland offers: 'She always kept things interesting.' Jocelyn: 'Or uh... heaven just got its newest leading lady.'

Roland · John:Roland misquotes The Godfather: 'It's not an offer, Johnny, it's an offer you can't refuse.' John: 'Oh. Ha ha, Marlon Brando.' Roland: 'Right, but from what movie?' John: 'The Godfather.' Roland: 'No, from Casino.'

John · Roland:Oh. Ha ha, Marlon Brando. / Right, but from what movie? / The Godfather. / No, from Casino.

Roland:Roland explains his reasons John might need to raise the baby: their furnace could go, and he's thinking of getting Jocelyn 'his-and-hers cliff diving lessons for her birthday.'

Roland · Twyla:Roland mentions he has 'this friggin' mole on my back' as a health concern, then immediately orders extra-skin fried chicken on a waffle with hot sauce, butter, and gravy.

Roland · John:Roland eating moment: 'It's just a little piece of skin back there. I got it. Still good.' — referring to his food, with John watching in mild disgust.

Roland:Roland offers John a bite: 'Do you wanna have a bite? I'll give you a bite you can't refuse.'

Roland:I used a guy this weekend. Yeah, Gwen locked me out. By accident.

Roland:It's either my birthday, or Gloria Estefan's.

Roland:Mucho Dias, mes amis.

Roland:Okay, turns out it's Gloria's, September 1, 57.

Roland:Uh, Gwen has stopped her Pilates tape for this, so uh, can we get a move on here?

Moira · Jocelyn · Roland:It's a girl. / Tammy! / Or a boy. / Huh? / Perhaps it's a boy. / Wait, which one is it?

Roland · Ronnie:Where did you put the sonogram? / In the safe. / And I wrote down the new combination on a sticky note. / Perfect, so where's the sticky note? / Well, the sticky note, I believe, is also in the safe.

Roland:Well that, I will admit, is my blunder.

Roland · Gwen (off-phone):Gwen, you still there? Hello? I'm goin' home.

Roland · Ronnie:Gwen, you still there? Hello? / I'm goin' home.

Roland · Jocelyn · Moira:Moira? Oh, you two, I told you I don't know. But we do. We called the doctor. You did? Lovely. Don't you wanna know what it is? I'll give you three guesses.

Roland · Moira:Moira, we're having a boy. / A boy, I believe I told you that. / How wonderful!

Johnny · Roland:You know, Roland, when you said you found a grill, this isn't exactly what I had in mind. / What'd you expect Johnny, Benihana?

Roland:Do you know that I've been given three different aprons because of my barbecue skills? Let's see, I've got License to Grill, I've got Working Grill, oh and I have Grills Just Wanna Have Fun.

Roland:Okay look, um, I can smell your fear, okay? So why don't you go grab the meat and the briquettes, and I'll get this bad boy up and running for ya?

Roland:I've got the perfect apron for ya, Poor Little Rich Grill. I'll get it made up.

Roland:Where are we, Barcelona?

Roland · Johnny:Oh, Jocelyn and I have another one of those birthing rehearsals we gotta go to. / I... just bought $100 worth of sliders.

Roland · Johnny:Right, cut to. / Well, we're not cutting to. / Cut to, I've ruined my sliders! / Cut to, how does this thing work?

Roland · Johnny · Patrick:You guys want me to jump in? / No, I think we've got it covered. / Oh, you do, oh great, 'cause I'm gonna get another beer.

Roland:Roland offering a baby piñata from the dollar store — 'pretty realistic' — that he didn't even pay for

David · Roland:'Don't think we can smash a baby with a stick tonight, but...' / 'It's not a real baby, Dave.'

Jocelyn · Roland:The Diaper Game explanation: melt chocolate into diapers, guests sniff and guess the bar

Roland:Grandpa's ashes are in a bolted-down urn because of 'urn thefts'

Roland:Well, you know, Johnny, that weight might actually work in your favour if you take into consideration the humidity in here.

Roland · Johnny:Roland asking if he gets an extra point for bouncing one off Jocelyn's forehead — and the scoring debate

Roland:this timesheet you have is really complicated. By the time I finished filling it out, I was already into overtime. So do you guys have an overtime sheet I can fill out?

Roland:Whoa. Stevie! Geez! Yowzer!

Roland:Well, boy, leave it to Stevie to get a rash from a moisturizer when she's sitting right next to poison oak.

Roland:Uh, correct me if I'm wrong here, Johnny, but I don't think poison oak is that expensive.

Roland · Johnny:Roland's phone. / Roland, hang up. / Yeah, uh, Johnny's tellin' me I gotta hang up. Yes, they're both here, staring at me. Johnny has that upset look on his face.

Roland · Stevie:Okay, I'm gonna put this on silent for the rest of the meeting, okay? Do you know how to do that, Stevie?

Roland:How 'bout a car wash? Or maybe a brow trim for Johnny?

Johnny · Roland:Is this it? / Yeah, you're a lifesaver, Johnny.

Roland:Oh, what a handsome guy. He looks just like me. And yet, he's handsome.

Roland · Jocelyn:So, we'd like you to say hello to Roland Moira Schitt.

Roland · Jocelyn:So, we'd like you to say hello to Roland Moira Schitt.

Roland · Moira · Johnny:Look at that, the two Moira's. / Take him, John, my hands are shaking. / No, thank you.

Roland · Johnny:Little last minute, this little party of yours, huh? / Well, it seems last minute turned into last second. / Well, all I'm saying is, next time um, I'd appreciate my invitation about a week in advance, okay? / Well, if I have things my way, we'll be making this an annual tradition, so you can save the date now. / No, that's way too far in advance, I can't make that kinda commitment.

Roland:Roland: 'I mean, come on, what's next? I go home and he's playing strip backgammon with my wife?'

Roland:Roland sees Johnny in a work shirt: 'Oh, look! This guy's wearing a work shirt. He's even copping my look now!'

Roland:Roland: 'What's gonna happen next? I go to my dermatologist, and Johnny's there getting my moles checked?'

Stevie · Roland:Roland complaining he couldn't hear about the team lunch 'over the sound of the lawnmower'

Stevie · Roland:Stevie/Roland's attempt to tell Johnny he's working too hard because Moira is away is interrupted by Stevie bluntly finishing Roland's sentence: 'Fill a big, black empty hole in your life.'

Roland · John:word on the street is that you're in a little hot water with Moira, huh? / No, everything's fine with Moira. I just thought she was coming in today.

Roland:Look Johnny, everybody likes to take trips down memory lane, but you gotta get rid of the evidence. Do you know what a burnt under-wire smells like?

Roland:Those spicy letters from Miss Butterfly that you left out for Moira to find.

John · Roland:Moira is showing my letters? / Yeah, I was talking to Bob about it. / Why were you talking to Bob about it?! / We're trying to save your marriage, bud!

Roland:Although, Gwen thinks it's probably a lost cause. She thinks you might be a sexaholic.

John · Roland:everyone should mind their own business, and stay out of my affairs. / Affairs, plural? Oh.

Roland:Jeez, Johnny, I'm on your side, pal. Unless things get messy, in that case, I'm gonna be on Moira's side.

Roland:Roland suggests inviting the VIP blogger over for pot roast dinner, specifying he bring sides, wine, 'and something nice for the house. Nothing cheap.'

Roland · Johnny · Alexis · Stevie:Roland volunteers to lie about how great the motel is for pay, Johnny says 'Do we need Roland?', then Alexis immediately uses Roland as the plant anyway but as 'Guest Services Liaison'

Roland:Roland mispronounces 'liaison' as 'lee-as-on' and corrects everyone else's pronunciation of 'Roland' as 'Ro-lahnd'

Roland:Roland switches to broken French — 'formidable', 'voulez-vous with me please' — while showing Emir to his room

Roland · Johnny:Roland mentions he's created a 'turndown service' and given himself a promotion to Guest Services Manager

Alexis · Roland · Stevie:Alexis objects to Stevie going to lunch with a 'strange man' — Roland cheerfully volunteers to 'tap in' — then Stevie escalates her request from $40 to $50 ('I also need shampoo')

Roland:Roland has left a 'doggie bag of pot roast on your pillow' as the turndown service for Emir

Emir · Roland · Johnny:Emir asks Roland ('Ro-lahnd') to make a dinner reservation — and to make it for 'Ms. Felmington' — then asks Johnny to get tea for 'Ms. Felmington'

Johnny · Roland:Johnny tells Roland where to find the tea — 'Ro-lahnd' — and Roland replies 'Right' while the two of them navigate the charade

Roland:Oh, come on, this coming from the guy who was just bragging about taking out a mortgage to pay for his wife's dress!

Moira · Johnny · Roland:Moira wafting in smelling of honeysuckle while Johnny and Roland discuss the water heater crisis

Roland:Yeah, it might be Johnny's aftershave. I'm sorry, it is pungent.

Roland · Johnny:What's our policy on smoke breaks? / Who's taking a smoke break? / I am. / You don't smoke. / Yeah, I know. And I don't think I should be penalized for that.

Roland:Roland watches Johnny kicking the water heater: 'LOL.' (said aloud)

Roland:Yeah well, I think you got the right video there. But don't you think something like that should be handled by professionals, Johnny? Like, maybe... Terry?

Roland · Johnny:Well, not all of us can drive around in an 8-cylinder car. / It's a '78 Lincoln, and it's all we could afford!

Roland:and if he does find himself completely lost, and believe me, he will...

Roland:Wow, Moira. Looking so elegant for a night of babysitting. Just dressed to the nines in choking hazards.

Roland:I'll be thinking about all of you during my massage.

Roland:Okay Johnny, just don't do anything I wouldn't do. / Boop boop be boop!

Moira · Jocelyn · Roland · Moira:I just put him down! / Oh. / No, Roland's been asleep for quite some time.

Roland:I can actually see myself leaving Roland Jr. with you people more often.

Roland:I actually have Ron the next time, we like to mix it up a little bit.

Roland:You know, I almost think I like him better asleep than awake.

Roland:What are we gonna watch, a silent movie from your childhood?

Roland:Oh wow, this looks like the videos Joce and I used to make.

Johnny · Roland:Let's rewind, and try again. And now they're gonna come and do it again!

Johnny · Roland:Fast forward! — Oh! — Jesus.

Johnny · Roland:Well, it's somewhat dated, but uh... I think the principles of etiquette are still applicable today. Hm. Pretty timeless. Yeah.

Roland · Johnny:I waited 35 minutes! / Oh, don't start.

Roland · Stevie:What happened? / Mr. Rose saw me topless.

Roland · Johnny:Oh Johnny, I don't think the woman in that video would approve. / The woman on the video is Moira, and no, she would not approve! I would not approve!

Roland · Johnny:Well, I did just think of one thing. / Please don't! / It's more of a limerick. / All right, enough, Roland.

Roland · Stevie · Johnny:Aah! Stevie! Your friend just responded! / Oh my God, gimme that! / Oh my... uh, I'll be taking the rest of the day off. / Okay. Yeah... I'd say her friend responded.

Roland:They say that babies fall asleep quickest when they're surrounded by an eerie, almost crypt-like silence.

Roland:Organic. Listen to me! Who am I? Gwyneth Paltrow?

Roland · David:Roland leaving baby and applesauce with David so he can go deal with live electrical wires.

Roland:I'm sorry, I would've been here sooner, but I got electrocuted three times, and the last time I didn't bounce back quite as fast.

Roland:I don't know why she was wearing that rubber dress when she cut that wire, but it saved her life.

Roland · David:Hey, sounds like the meeting went pretty well. / It couldn't have gone better! / So, if ever you need me to babysit this little one, I have some openings. / Oh, well, that's great, because Joce and I were thinking about going to the movies tomorrow night. / I was thinking next Wednesday between four and five pm.

David · Roland:David: 'I was thinking next Wednesday between four and five pm.' Roland: 'Yeah, no, Thursday.' David: 'Let's go with Wednesday.'

Roland:Roland: 'This is a really big deal, Johnny. I mean, meeting my best friend's son's boyfriend's parents for the very first time, I am very touched that you wanted me to share this moment with you.'

Roland:Roland: 'Oh, no, no! I do get that all the time, though.' — Roland is flattered to be mistaken for David's father.

Roland:Roland: 'More like, runs it into the ground.' — responding to Clint's comment that Johnny 'runs' the motel.

Roland · Johnny · Clint · Marci:Roland implies Johnny is 'not as progressive as the rest of us' about David and Patrick's relationship — Johnny corrects him that he was talking about mixing business and romance.

Roland · Patrick:I thought you told me that your team was stacked! / Good to see you too, Ronnie.

Roland:There are no sons in baseball!

David · Roland:David: 'You can buy our superior foot cream at a slightly higher price.' Roland: 'Geez. You were a lot nicer when I was talking to you over there.'

Roland:Geez. You were a lot nicer when I was talking to you over there.

Stevie · Roland · David:Roland returns to buy from the knockoff booth again, right in front of David and Stevie. Stevie: 'Clearly that brand loyalty you were talking about is really paying off.'

Roland · David:Roland: 'Uh-oh, Davey got busted!' followed by David insisting he's not selling the product while Roland suggests $3 for 15 is still a rip-off.

Roland:Roland: 'I mean, pharmacies hand those out for free on Halloween.'

Roland:$18 for toner? Why don't you just put on some Gel Time? That stuff will strip your skin right off.

Roland · Johnny:This is a really big deal, Johnny. I mean, meeting my best friend's son's boyfriend's parents for the very first time. I am very touched that you wanted me to share this moment with you. / I asked you to mow the lawn three times, Roland. So you being here is more your decision than mine.

Clint Brewer · Roland:You must be David's Dad. / Oh, no, no! I do get that all the time, though. It's uh, you know, you've got David's handsome looks there, and then my face.

Clint Brewer · Roland:Now, Patrick tells me you run the motel. / More like, runs it into the ground.

Roland · Johnny:Oh, we do have a lot of fun around here, don't we? / We do, sometimes.

Clint Brewer · Roland · Johnny:I've been somewhat of a skeptic about those two. / This one isn't as progressive as the rest of us. It's a generational thing with him. / I was talking about the store, Roland.

Roland:Huh. Correct me if I'm wrong here, Johnny. But it kinda seems like they didn't know their son is in a relationship with David.

Roland · Johnny:Roland effusively praises Moira's roast ability: 'You better have the burn unit on speed dial... she is just slinging heat!'

Johnny · Roland:Johnny's first roast attempt at Roland: 'Well, maybe you'd know [what rippers are], if you graduated elementary school.'

Roland · Johnny:Roland's stunned reaction: 'I can't believe you said that to me.' — followed by Johnny's immediate guilt: 'Was that too far?'

Roland:Roland mocks Johnny by repeating his apologetic tone back at him: 'Look at your face! Oh Roland, I'm sorry, did I go too far?'

Roland · Bob:Roland: 'Now, that, that one kills every year.' Bob: 'Oh no, I love that one, is that one up for grabs?'

Roland:Roland (from audience): 'Hey Johnny, come on, I've got a white flag, why don't you just start waving it? Ohhhh!'

Johnny · Roland:Johnny: 'Roland, may I point out that I was quiet when everyone else was up here doing their roasts.' Roland: 'I wish you were quiet right now!'

Roland:Roland: 'Just like your youth, right, old man?' after John drops the furniture

Roland · Moira:Roland mentions his cousin Lenny had the same thing as John. Moira: 'Well, what did your cousin do? Can we call him?' Roland: 'You can try. I don't think you'll have much luck. The poor guy died of a heart attack.'

Roland:Roland in the hospital waiting room: 'Well, you know, uh... I'm just gonna go ahead and say it. It's been a long time, that's usually not a good sign.'

Roland · Stevie:Roland: 'He probably just roped them into one of his longwinded stories.' immediately followed by: 'Or he could be on a table with a triple bypass.'

Roland:Roland describes missing Stevie to what sounds like a police dispatcher — 'dark hair, answers to the name Stevie, kind of looks like a vampire, a little skittish when approached... if you have a taser, you may want to use it.'

Roland:'I don't wanna be an optimist here, but it's not looking good.'

Roland:'Well, you may have been the last person to see her, Dave. I don't know how you're gonna feel about this, but I'm gonna need some hair samples.'

David · Moira · Alexis · Roland:David accidentally reveals the engagement to Moira, Alexis, and Roland all at once while trying to explain Stevie's behavior.

Moira · Roland · Alexis · David:'Oh David! / Wow, a wedding. Congratulations, Dave. / I don't know what to say. / I know, it was very overwhelming for me, as well.'

Roland:'Well, I could ask Jocelyn. She planned her brother-in-law's funeral for under a hundred bucks.'

Roland · Stevie:Stevie discovers Roland had Patrick make personalized monogrammed towels — and he had them made weeks ago when Patrick asked his blessing, but Roland is annoyed Patrick didn't tell him when it was happening so he 'literally could've picked these up any other day this week.'

Roland:'I was more upset that I had to drive to Elmdale today.'

Stevie · Roland:'I also appreciate this burlesque-y get up.' / 'Excuse me. You're an almost-married man, now.'

Roland:Why do they call them toaster pops if it says on the box, 'Do not toast'?

Roland:I, I have no idea what that means, but it doesn't sound good. Okay, I'm gonna go to lunch. Gotta get this burnt toaster pop taste out of my mouth.

Roland:Well, it sounds to me like you two dodged a bacon-wrapped bullet. I'll say it again: life is but a strand of happy accidents.

Roland · David · Roland:You see? Further proof that life is but a... — Okay. We get it. — Strand.

Johnny · Stevie · Roland:A 20 minute drive to another motel. [scene establishes Johnny, Stevie, and Roland arriving at what appears to be a rundown property]

Roland:No surprise there, Johnny, I told you she's not the visionary you and I are.

Roland:Huh, Betty and Benny? What are they, puppets? It's the Benny and Betty Show! / Tu! Tu! / I'm Betty. I'm Benny. I'm Betty!

Johnny · Stevie · Roland:Why do I get the feeling this isn't an open house? / Maybe it's because of the coffin. This is a funeral, Roland!

Roland:She may have said viewing.

Johnny · Roland:What the hell, Roland?! / Johnny, language, please! A man is dead.

Roland · Mrs. Terkstra:From the bowling league. / Uh, you mean curling?

Roland:Well, that's because Johnny here... had another bonspiel to go to, and unfortunately that bonspiel was way more important than Benny's bonspiel, so we had to go to that bonspiel.

Roland · Johnny:What a small world! / Johnny and I used to play bingo with Maureen, right after curling. Roland.

Roland:Too bad it's not an open casket. I would've loved to say goodbye to old Benny's face.

Roland · Bank Manager:I did not wanna play this card, but... I am the mayor. You already mentioned that.

Roland · Bank Manager:Did I mention I went steady with your mom? Unfortunately, you did.

Roland:Okay, then I'm out. I got nothing.

Roland · Johnny:Well, she said apparently Johnny doesn't have enough assets. / Yeah, and the problem is, how do you get assets without the loan? / Roland, you're not adding anything to the sentence, you're just repeating what I said.

Roland:Well, you know, I don't wanna be the town gossip here, but... Bob's financial statement was on his desk, and that garage is doing great! Plus, he got plugs last year, but you didn't hear that from me.

Roland:Rose's, I hope you like fish, 'cause I think we just reeled in a big one.

Roland:That is one snazzy outfit. Somebody's got some money to burn.

Johnny · Roland · Jocelyn:Good, then let's go get our lamb. / Oh, are we having lamb? / No, just my Sloppy Jocelyns.

Roland · Johnny:Oh good, you're lying down! We have big news. / If you're referring to the bath-time video Gwen posted... / N-no, n-no, it's not that exciting.

Roland:Now, first order of business: we need name tags.

Roland · Johnny:Why is there a turtle on the floor? / Alexis!

Roland · Johnny:Roland's surprise at the motel condition: 'What were you expecting, Johnny? I don't throw good money down on lemons. Who am I, you buying your car?'

Roland:Roland finds money in the room: 'Oh, look... the maid forgot to pick up her tip.' — then reveals it's a bag full of money.

Roland:Roland: 'Yeah, it's kinda a generous tip when you consider she didn't clean up this garbage and this loaded gun.'

Roland:Roland: 'Maybe Benny and Betty left this here, and we just inherited a bag of money and a gun. If we're gonna split it up, I call the money.'

Johnny · Roland:Johnny: 'Then explain why the coffee is still hot?' / Roland: 'It's called global warming, Johnny.'

Roland:Roland: 'Why do you strike me as one of those people that doesn't believe in that.' — immediately after using global warming as an excuse

Roland:Roland about the vending machine: 'Do you realize that this soda is made with 99% real drink. You can't argue with that kind of math.'

Roland:Roland justifies eating vending machine snacks: 'Well, why do you think I got these snacks? I mean we could be on this stakeout for days, maybe weeks.'

Roland:Roland, watching the squatter from hiding: 'It is a man. Your sexist instincts were right as usual.'

Roland:Roland: 'And by the way, whatever you're doing is A-okay with me.' — to an armed squatter who may be a criminal

Roland · Squatter:The squatter explains he's a prosecutor keeping a low profile. Roland: 'Or gals.' Squatter: 'No, never women. It's always safest...'

Roland · John:'Well, Johnny, you still wanna call the cops?' / 'Okay, you were right on this one, Roland.' / 'I think this was a pretty important one to be right on.'

Roland:All I've got is a 20-foot merlot in my garage. I ripped out after the church basement flooded.

Roland · Johnny:Roland introduces himself by saying he was 'peering into your son's bedroom' and Johnny's immediate 'Okay, not off to a good start, Roland.'

Roland:Roland suggesting Patrick should get 'the talk' from 'old Uncle Roland.'

Roland:Roland's story about Jocelyn's father trying to talk him out of marrying her — 'she was 9 months pregnant at the time, so he really didn't have a leg to stand on. But I'll tell you, I could not get out of that sauna fast enough.'

Roland:"I'm sorry, taut? What is that, old English? How about I hold it tight?"

Roland:"How long is this gonna take, Johnny, should I cancel my New Year's plans?"

Roland · Johnny:'Joc.' / 'And we're back.'

Moira · Roland:Moira has already seen the movie 'Miranda Rights' three times but Roland treats it like a neutral fact

Roland · Jocelyn · Johnny · Moira:Roland and Jocelyn arrive at the Presidential Suite — catching Johnny and Moira with martinis in the room they were told they couldn't use

Roland:"Oh, I guess martinis work better than wax, huh?"

Roland:"Johnny, wasn't it you who said it was dangerous to treat your assets like personal possessions?"

Roland · Jocelyn:Roland reveals they've been renting out their extra bedroom to pay for the motel — a stranger has been making himself at home in Jocelyn's kitchen

Roland:"Or you know what, you could give us the keys to your place — it would be like wife swap except we wouldn't be swapping wives, we'd be swapping mattresses."

Roland:'Or you know what, you could give us the keys to your place, it would be like wife swap except we wouldn't be swapping wives, we'd be swapping mattresses.'

Johnny · Roland · Jocelyn:Confused JFK quotation argument — Johnny insists 'Ask not what your country can do for you' is JFK but Roland and Jocelyn argue it's FDR and that JFK is from Boston not Upstate New York

Stevie · Roland · Moira:Stevie describing the carnage: 'Um, well, there were a couple of broken eggs on Mrs. Rose's car, and one on the back windshield.' / Roland: 'The windshield?' / Moira: 'The egg! That's the bestial level of attack with which we are dealing.'

Roland:Roland: 'this could be the biggest scandal since we installed the church wheelchair ramp backwards'

Roland:Roland: 'we can't afford another "ramp-gate"'

Roland:The crowd showing up to protest Moira with signs — 'Ooh, I think they're here for you, Moira!'

Roland:Roland: 'I don't think you need more people knowing which car is yours, Moira.'

Roland:Roland: 'Johnny, this better be good. I got a hot little BLT over at the café and I don't wanna keep her waitin'.'

Roland:Roland: 'Okay. Yeah, I don't know about me. I mean, if the local papers ask me about the rumour that you might be getting a phone call...'

Roland:Roland: 'you should check to make sure this place isn't bugged. We wouldn't want the big news to leak out! It is big news... probably.'

Roland · Johnny:Roland says he'll 'come running' when 'Ike Morrison' calls — revealing he misheard the name Mike as Ike

Roland · Johnny:Roland reveals Mike Morrison already called — while Johnny was right there — because Roland heard 'Ike' and didn't connect it to the person Johnny was waiting for

Roland · Johnny:Johnny, woo! Look at me. I'm you. / I can't believe your suit fits me, we're completely different sizes. And I have a much more athletic build.

Roland:Hey does anybody want a mint before we go up to the boardroom? I'm looking at you, Johnny.

Roland:Billion dollar company and none of us can stop technology from cacking out, am I right?

Roland:What are you guys pumpin' in here, pollen? Do you mind if I have some of that water there, please.

Roland · Johnny:Roland spills the water — 'Jesus.' / 'Oh gosh!'

Stevie · Roland:Mr. Rose, you were so good. / Johnny, even I was impressed, and I thought you had blown it for all of us.

Roland · Johnny · Stevie:Didn't you have a briefcase? / See, this is what happens when Johnny impresses me. I get confused and I forget what I'm doing. / What was in that briefcase anyway? / Nothing. You told me to look intimidating. So I brought a briefcase.

Roland:See this is what happens when Johnny impresses me. I get confused and I forget what I'm doing.

Roland:I, uh... forgot my briefcase. Don't wanna forget that.

Roland:Do you people know what it took for Johnny Rose to come back and do this? After being away for all that time? Shame on you. Shame on all of you.

Roland:Okay. I just realized you guys are flying us home. So I apologize for my outburst, but I don't regret it.

Roland:The man's a legend.

Roland:I sealed the deal. It was really me.

Roland:Roland announces he bought a new truck because 'if you wanna be an executive, you gotta drive like an executive'

Roland:'I went to the spa. Had a pedicure and a blow-out, at the same time.'

Roland:Roland reveals he's been test-driving the truck without telling the salesman — 'I told the salesman I was just taking it around the block'

Roland:'Here, honey, you hold the buns.'

Roland:Our living room is yours, Johnny. And we still have some baby sprinkle decorations gathering dust.

Roland:Something can fall from the ceiling and just go Bffggghhh! I'm dead! / Not me though, I'm prepared.