Ronnies Party

Jocelyn:I hope we didn't catch you with your pants down.

Jocelyn:Your pants are on.

Roland:They literally eavesdropped to avoid catching them in compromising position

Roland:You know, it's like a firm handshake, a good eye contact, maybe a little light touching on the arm. You gotta make 'em feel like they're the only person in the room.

Roland:It's not really fun.

Moira:Oh, how thoughtful. Leftovers. You know, in some cultures, regifting is considered an art form. In others, it's a cry for help. I'm starting to think yours might be both.

David:It means to wear scrubs.

Moira:You know, I've been thinking... Roland and Jocelyn have been quite helpful to us.

Johnny:Moira, no. Let's not get carried away. Roland is exactly as simple-minded as we thought.

Alexis:I'm not wearing those scrubs. They're so unflattering and they come in, like, hospital blue? I need them in a color that doesn't make me look like I'm actively dying.

Moira:Alexis, they're medical uniforms, not a capsule wardrobe.

Alexis:Exactly! Which is why this is a feminist issue. We're forcing women to wear these shapeless, soul-crushing garments that strip away their individuality and femininity. It's basically a form of oppression.

David:You're a receptionist.

Alexis:A receptionist with rights, David.

David:Sex appeal isn't the point of nursing uniforms.

Alexis:Um, have you ever seen a sexy nurse costume?

Alexis:This isn't my first job, David.

David:Oh really? And what was your previous job?

Alexis:I was a taste tester for edible nail polish.

David:That's not a job, Alexis. That's just you eating nail polish.

Alexis:I was very hands-on with creating the flavors. I tested every single one.

David:Yes, well, that's actually something we need to talk about. The product line had a poisoning incident.

Alexis:What? From my flavors?

David:Well, let's just say your hands-on approach may have been a bit too hands-on.

David:People are getting poisoned.

Alexis:Well, it's not like we're using lead paint or anything. It's all imported from overseas.

David:You look like a flamingo that got into a car accident.

Stevie:I mean, why are you worried about him? He's rich.

David:These taxidermy peacocks are a legitimate business expense.

Stevie:How are multiple dead birds a business expense?

David:They're for the store's ambiance. It's called branding.

Stevie:You have five of them.

David:Yes, well, one peacock says 'rustic.' Five peacocks say 'I have a problem.'

Alexis:I'm not arriving too early, that's desperate. And I'm not arriving too late, that's rude. I'm arriving at the exact moment that says, 'I have a life, but I'm also very responsible.'

Ted:Where are the rest of your scrubs?

Alexis:What do you mean? I'm wearing scrubs.

Ted:You're only wearing the top.

Alexis:Well, I thought the top and bottom were optional alternatives. Like, you could wear one or the other.

Ted:You really shouldn't expose your legs like that. It's dangerous.

Alexis:Oh Ted, are you saying my legs are dangerous?

Ted:No, I'm saying that you're exposing yourself to the sun without protection, and you're at risk for skin cancer, premature aging, and sun poisoning.

Alexis:I'm going to be such a good secretary. I'm honestly going to be better than the last one. I'm going to file things. I'm going to file them so hard.

Moira:Ronnie, darling. That jacket is absolutely stunning. Is that a custom Armani?

Ronnie:It's from the Walmart.

Moira:Well, it's very... functional. The pleating alone suggests someone understands the importance of structure. Though I would have perhaps suggested a more refined fabric. Cashmere? Silk-blend? Anything really that whispers rather than shouts.

Moira:So what was Jocelyn's party like?

Ronnie:It was fine. She had some cheese. It wasn't good cheese.

Moira:Well, I think what you've done here is very... dairy-forward. Which is interesting, because I find that when one hosts, one typically considers the lactose-intolerant contingent. But what do I know? I'm just someone who's thrown dinner parties for heads of state.

Moira:Ronnie, could you put your weight behind me?

Ronnie:[reaction]

Moira:No, I meant— your physical strength. Not your... mass.

Ronnie:It's not a date.

Moira:No, of course not. I just meant... it's a thing. A meeting thing. That we're both attending.

Alexis:You know, it's like when you really love someone, you just have to find a way to make it work, no matter what obstacles are in your way. Like, my friend's cousin dated this guy who was basically royalty in another country, and there were all these international laws and political issues keeping them apart, but they just... they figured it out. Well, actually, no, they didn't. He had to marry someone else for like, a trade agreement or something. But the point is, they tried!

Ted:How's the filing coming along?

Alexis:Oh my god, so good. I've been really getting into it. I organized all the files by color, and then by texture, and then I realized that I was just going through a really difficult time emotionally, so I've been using work as a way to avoid dealing with my feelings.

Ted:...That's great, Alexis.

Ted:Alexis, I appreciate your concern, but Doris has been bringing Mr. Whiskers in here every week for the past six months convinced he has a different terminal illness.

Alexis:Well, maybe he does!

Ted:Last week it was feline leukemia. The week before, a brain tumor. Two weeks ago, she was certain he'd been poisoned.

Alexis:Oh my God.

Ted:He's fine, Alexis. He's a very healthy cat. But his owner is... a lot.

David:I'm here if you need anything.

Stevie:Okay, I need you to pick up my prescription.

David:Oh, I meant more like... emotionally.

Stevie:Great. Pick up my prescription emotionally then.

David:I was trying to give you space to—

Stevie:David, pick up my prescription.

David:Yes, okay.

David:I can't babysit. I have plans.

Stevie:Great. You're babysitting tomorrow at seven.

David:Did you hear what I just said?

Stevie:I did. Babysitting. Tomorrow. Seven.

Doris:I brought you some trail mix, but I spilled it in my purse.

Doris:My cat died. What do I do with the body?

Ted:I... well, there are pet cremation services, or you could have a burial in your yard, or—

Ted:Why does everyone keep dying?

David:So what you're saying is... we're trapped in a box with broken dreams and false hope?

David:I'm babysitting tonight.

Stevie:Oh my God, whose child did you agree to this?

Stevie:Wait, don't answer that. I need to get my phone ready to document this.

David:Stevie, when you're at the motel, can you check the lost and found for my anxiety medication?

Stevie:David, that's not how anxiety medication works.

David:Well, I'm anxious that I lost it, so technically it is.

Alexis:Well, the good news is that Mr. Whiskers is no longer suffering from feline diabetes.

Alexis:And he's finally at a weight where he could fit through a standard doorway.

Alexis:Okay, so Fluffy is like, totally in a better place now. Like, she's been released from the physical constraints of her body, and she's like, spiritually transcended or whatever. She's probably like, really happy right now, you know? Like, she's experiencing ultimate freedom.

Doris:She was hit by a car.

Alexis:Exactly! So like, one minute she's stuck in this earthly realm, and the next minute she's just like, whoooosh, gone. It's actually really beautiful when you think about it.

Moira:You need to be forceful with women, Johnny. They respect a man who takes charge. Now, I once knew a landscaper named—actually, never mind, that's not relevant.

David:I mean, I've done extensive research on cosmetic procedures. I've practically memorized every before and after photo on the internet. I could tell you the difference between a chemical peel and a microdermabrasion in my sleep. Not that I would ever need either one, obviously.

David:There's a bug on the bed! There's a bug on the bed! Oh my God, there's a bug on the bed!

Johnny:I was at a dinner party last week, and we ended up playing charades. David Sedaris was there, and let me tell you, that man cannot act. He was trying to do 'Breakfast at Tiffany's' and nobody could guess it. I finally said, 'David, you're a professional writer—surely you can convey a simple concept through physical movement.' He just looked at me and said, 'I'm better with words.'

Johnny:No, it's not a lesbian gathering. It's just a group of women who are interested in the same things.

Moira:Oh, so it's a book club?

Johnny:No, it's not a book club. It's just... a gathering.

Moira:Well, then what do they have in common?

Johnny:They all have male husbands.

Moira:Johnny, what did I tell you about talking to the mayor's wife?

Johnny:I was just making conversation.

Moira:You asked her about her bunions, John. Her bunions.

Johnny:She brought them up!

Moira:And now you're going to stand in the corner and think about what you've done.

Johnny:What is the key demographic?

Moira:Women, 18 to 49.

Johnny:Oh. I thought you meant a key demographic. Like someone who has a key.

Ronnie:You want to know who your core demographic is? It's people who have nothing better to do than watch you fail.

Alexis:So how many vacation days do I get?

Johnny:Two weeks a year.

Alexis:Right, and then how many more after that?

David:Look, puberty is a natural part of growing up. Your body is going to change, you're going to have new feelings, and it's all perfectly normal.

David:The important thing is to take care of yourself. Invest in a good skincare routine, obviously. And Egyptian cotton sheets—at least 1000 thread count. Trust me, when you're going through all these hormonal changes, you want to be sleeping on something that feels like a cloud.

David:Seriously, I cannot stress this enough. Polyester blends are going to make everything worse. You need to find a luxury linen supplier immediately.

Moira:I'm a business owner. I came out as a business owner.

Moira:I've had many jobs over the years. I was a spokesperson for a medical device company, a hostess, a real estate agent, and I once prioritized money over children.

Moira:I was at the grocery store the other day, and I ran into one of my constituents. Such a lovely woman. We chatted for a bit, and I mentioned my recent bout with hemorrhoids.

Johnny:I just assumed, you know, that it was a group of... well, I thought it was going to be a more... how do I put this delicately... a more estrogen-based organization.

Johnny:Not that there's anything wrong with that! I just... I pictured it as being more of a, you know, a feminine gathering.

Johnny:What I'm trying to say is, I made an assumption based on the name, and clearly I was mistaken, which is embarrassing.

Ronnie:I started out working in construction, doing manual labor. Then I moved into heavy equipment operation. Now I'm running this real estate business.

Ronnie:And you people came here with nothing but designer luggage and a country club membership that doesn't work anymore.

Johnny:I'm not prejudiced. I have a very diverse group of friends.

Johnny:I have a Black friend, an Asian friend, a gay friend...

Johnny:Well, actually, my gay friend is also Black, so that's two birds with one stone.

Johnny:You know, I'm very progressive. I have several lesbian friends. Well, I don't know them personally, but I've seen documentaries.

Johnny:And I understand that in lesbian relationships, one of them is typically the man. Which I find fascinating.

Johnny:Look, I know I've been hard on this town, but I want you to know that I appreciate what you've all done for us. And I'm going to try to be more positive going forward. So, moving ahead, I'm going to make a real effort to embrace the good things in life. You know, like a good meal. A delicious meal. Because there's nothing quite like sitting down to a really exquisite plate of food and just... savoring it. Mmm. Yes. And I think that's something that a man can really appreciate.