Jocelyn Schitt

Jocelyn · John:Roland is just on the toilet. Oh, what a surprise.

John · Jocelyn · Moira:You have a really lovely home. It's really um, understated. / Thank you. I get a lot of my ideas from magazines. / Don't be modest. This is 100 percent you and only you.

Jocelyn · John/David · Jocelyn:I hope everyone likes a cheeseball. / Cheeseball? / It's the treat that keeps our love life percolating. It's like an aphrodisiac with him.

Roland · Jocelyn:So David, tell us about yourself I hear you're a gallerist. / Wow. There's a $10 dollar word.

Jocelyn · Stevie · Jocelyn:Lipgloss? / No thank you. / I wish I could pull off the whole gloomy, no makeup look. It's so French.

Jocelyn · Stevie · Jocelyn:So, why are you single? / Who said I'm single? / Girl, we're on the hunt. I hope you're single.

Jocelyn:Why don't you lay down on our mattress. The sheets are in the dryer but there is rubber pad.

Jocelyn:Why don't you lay down on our mattress. The sheets are in the dryer but there is a rubber pad.

Jocelyn:Although I know those boys are undressing me every time I drop a piece of chalk.

Moira · Jocelyn:Yeah. Well, maybe we should hold onto our chalk, hmm? / They're boys! It's cute.

Jocelyn:You! [Jocelyn spots someone at the tailgate]

Moira · Jocelyn:Jocelyn, thank you for an unforgettable evening. I will be dining out on this for years. / I'll send you the recipes.

Moira · Jocelyn · John:Jocelyn, thank you for an unforgettable evening, I will be dining out on this for years. / I'll send you the recipes. / Yes, Jocelyn, words can't express.

Moira · Jocelyn:Jocelyn reveals she wrote the anti-drug school play. Moira asks: 'Jocelyn, have you ever been addicted to drugs?' Jocelyn: 'No!' Moira: 'Then write what you know.'

Jocelyn:Jocelyn: 'That's not what I know Moira, and drug awareness is part of the curriculum, so.'

Jocelyn · Moira · Johnny:Jocelyn's double entendres about her sore back: 'Even the slightest twitch in bed throws it out.' Moira: 'Perhaps a new position would help?'

Jocelyn · Johnny:Jocelyn: 'No, I ate already. Couldn't put another thing in my mouth.' Johnny chuckling awkwardly and clearing his throat.

Jocelyn · Moira · Johnny:Jocelyn: 'And then we see you with your kids and you're so... together. What's your secret?' Moira: 'Listening is so very important.'

Roland · Jocelyn · Johnny:Roland tells Jocelyn 'Sex life's in the crapper' the moment Jocelyn walks in

Jocelyn · Roland:Jocelyn: 'And feel free to use the restraints.' / 'We keep 'em under the bed.'

Jocelyn:Jocelyn: 'Normally I do this with Roland, but he had a bad burrito so he's M.I.A. — Trust me, that's good news for everybody.'

Jocelyn · David:During yoga, Jocelyn tells David to try sex for anxiety. 'Sex puts me right to sleep. You should have lots and lots of sex.'

Jocelyn:I asked this kid to come to the front of the class and solve this math equation and he was 'pitching a tent.' He had a boner!

Jocelyn:And it can't be easy having a teacher like myself, so... What was your question again?

Jocelyn:I was just booking myself an appointment with Janine at the salon and I said to myself, 'wow, Moira really looks like she needs a pick-me-up,' so I booked you a Mani too! Little girls spa day on me.

Moira · Jocelyn:May I see a spa treatment menu? — Oh, well, it's just a salon, so they don't really do all that kind of stuff. But she does give a mean scalp massage. — Really mean?

Jocelyn:Or one of your fashion-y blouses shrinks in the dryer, and you'll have to go to Janine's or get a shirt at the Blouse Barn, just like the rest of us.

Moira · Jocelyn:But if you ever... Ever catch me shopping at the Blouse Barn, you must shoot me in the temple. Promise? — Promise. — My son is hunting right now with your husband, so I... I know you people have guns.

Jocelyn:Moira, honey, that Champagne Audi is really hard to get. / Take it from me, Roland and I have been Allez Vous reps for two years, and we're still driving that old truck.

Moira · Jocelyn · Ronnie:Sorry, you're... you're an Allez Vous consultant? / I'm actually an executive area manager. / I'm a district manager. / I'm an executive district manager. / I gave up.

Jocelyn · Moira:In two weeks we had sold everything to the other half of town, and vice versa. / That's... that's funny. / It became a bit incestuous, yeah, very small sales pool.

Jocelyn · Roland:We're having a huge party tonight. Ton of people coming to our house. / Big. / But we're free any other night other than tonight.

Jocelyn:Hoity-toity. All right, I've said it.

Roland · Jocelyn:The Schitts arrive at the Ted party — 'Aloha, Roses!' and Roland's Hawaiian shirt energy crashing what was a quiet dinner

Jocelyn · Moira:Jocelyn confesses to Moira that she sometimes wonders 'what if' — her alternatives including 'what if Roland hadn't been such a smooth talker'

Jocelyn:What if I had enlisted in the military, what if Roland hadn't been such a smooth talker, what if I had not been crowned... and moved to the city with my driving instructor?

Moira · Jocelyn:Thank you for playing along. / I'm sorry, I just had... / It was like being in an episode of Couples Therapy.

Jocelyn · Moira:This was all a put-on just to get out of dinner? / Yeah, I thought you were in on it. / Well, you deserve a Daytime Emmy... / Thank you, I think so.

Jocelyn · David:Jocelyn to David: 'You strike me as the sort of person that had a hard time in high school.'

Jocelyn:Jocelyn: 'Your floral top, for instance.' — as evidence that David had a hard time in high school

Jocelyn:Jocelyn as she leaves: 'Oh, and, honey, get the quilted, that other stuff will chafe you right up.'

Moira · Jocelyn:Moira approaches Jocelyn about the fundraiser she didn't know she was running: 'I hope so, 'cause I'd like to be involved.'

Moira · David · Jocelyn:Moira: 'How much are tickets?' / David: 'Um, free?' / Moira: 'Oh, my God! Do you people know what the word fundraising means?'

David · Jocelyn:A visual beat: the barn party setup — we see the party in progress, implying the complicated plan has somehow worked

Jocelyn · Moira:Ding-dong. Moira, hey! / Hi, Jocelyn. / Gosh, you look so glamorous today. / Oh, thank you. Some days it just works.

Jocelyn:Wow. Is it a wig?

Moira · Jocelyn:It's the coat. / What coat? / The coat you kept going on about that one time. / Are you sure it was me?

Moira · Jocelyn:So, did you try it on? / What? / The coat. The one I gave you. / Yes. It's great. / Not too snug? / Nope. Buttoned right up. / It zips. / Zips. It zipped right up!

Jocelyn:I gave it away. / I'm sorry. / It just... It didn't suit me, and I thought about Ronnie and you know she could always use some more feminine pieces in her wardrobe.

Jocelyn · Roland · Moira:Jocelyn to Roland: 'Roland, these people have literally hit rock bottom, they're not in the mood for your jokes right now.' — then immediately adds 'She is.' pointing at Moira

Jocelyn:It comes and goes, Roland!

Jocelyn:I don't remember who I called but they're coming, this afternoon!

Moira · Jocelyn · Roland:That I can do! I'll be back in ten, to a clean kitchen! / A clean kitchen. / I just cleaned the kitchen!

Moira · Jocelyn:Moira is offended by the word 'audition' — 'In the actual world of entertainment, I'm what's known as offer only'

Jocelyn:Jocelyn's defense: 'Even Gwen had to audition, and she was in a regional production of Annie'

Moira · Jocelyn:Moira sits to watch Lena's solo — clearly a polite framing for an uncomfortable wait

Jocelyn:Jocelyn's reaction: 'Oh, that was... different.'

Jocelyn · John · Moira:Jocelyn: 'It's memory foam! This must've cost a fortune!' / John: 'Well, there you go, what a find.' — then Moira immediately starts plotting to cover it from other bidders

Moira · John · Jocelyn · Ray:The bidding war between Moira and Jocelyn for the mattress — culminating in Moira bidding against herself twice

Moira · Jocelyn:Jocelyn outbids Moira at the last second for $201 — Moira's audible bleep of a swear word

David · Jocelyn:David reveals he works at the store when Jocelyn asks if he's 'picking something up for himself'

Jocelyn · David:Does this print come in a different colour? / Uh, theoretically.

Jocelyn:Oh, just a little bit of luck, and the right... salesperson.

Moira · Jocelyn:And here I thought you were against this type of campaigning. / Who says this has anything to do with the campaign?

Roland · Jocelyn:Well, I hope we didn't catch the two of you with your pants down.

Jocelyn:No, we actually listened outside to make sure.

Jocelyn · Johnny:Jocelyn tells Johnny she 'couldn't help but notice he seemed a little sad sack-y today.' Johnny: 'Sad sack-y?'

Jocelyn · Johnny:Jocelyn reveals 'Don't Cry Out Loud' was their wedding song — and that it was the first song they 'ever made...' before Johnny cuts her off.

Johnny · Jocelyn:He was playing 'Don't Cry Out Loud,' loud at two in the morning. — I'm so sorry. (Laughs) It's our wedding song. — It was actually the first song that we ever made... — Okay, I really don't need the details on that.

Johnny · Jocelyn:Jocelyn, during marriage counseling-adjacent conversation, says Johnny and Moira are 'a little bit rocky right now.' Johnny: 'No, no, things are not rocky. Things are not rocky, and if they are, it's because your husband is driving us insane!'

Jocelyn · Johnny:The parallel conversation: Johnny describing his argument with Moira using the same words Jocelyn uses about Roland — they're unknowingly talking about each other.

Jocelyn:Jocelyn: 'Oh no, I'd put one of your signs on my lawn if I wasn't worried about winning.'

Jocelyn:Jocelyn: 'I know. Roland got carried away and used his mayoral power to get people to put more signs on their lawns. And I just... pretended it wasn't happening.'

Moira · Jocelyn:Moira reframes Roland's coercion: 'Roland forced constituents to put up signs through coercion? That's what we're talking about, right?' — while nodding to signal Jocelyn to agree

Jocelyn:Jocelyn: 'The other day, I called another driver an effing moron. I didn't say the f word, but I said effing, and that is not me!'

Jocelyn:The other day, I called another driver an effing moron. I didn't say the 'f' word, but I said, 'effing,' and that is not me!

Jocelyn:Jocelyn drops out because she 'can't get through an episode of Masterchef Junior without crying'

Roland · Jocelyn · Johnny · Moira:Roland and Jocelyn crash the café with a dinner gift announcement, only to reveal 'we have a coupon.'

Roland · Jocelyn · Johnny · Moira:Roland and Jocelyn appear at the same restaurant — 'we just ran into each other.'

Jocelyn · Roland:Jocelyn to Roland: 'It's their anniversary, Roland, just let them do what they want.' — immediately followed by Roland crashing the table.

Johnny · Jocelyn:Johnny's reaction to the coupon: 'Don't know what that means.' — Jocelyn: 'He's so ironic, this one.'

Jocelyn · Roland · Jocelyn:Oh, sorry, we don't want any. — I'm just joking. Come on in! — No, I'm not!

Moira · Jocelyn:'I'm sure you've seen The Crows Have Eyes.' / 'I have never heard of it, but congratulations.'

Jocelyn · Twyla:Jocelyn and Twyla perform 'Islands in the Stream' with Twyla scatting 'K-H-E-O-K!' in place of actual lyrics

Jocelyn:Jocelyn warns the Jazzigals there is 'a murderer on the loose' in town, delivered with casual concern as a warm-up announcement

Jocelyn:Jocelyn's account of last year's murder mystery: Twyla 'wandered around kind of winking at everybody, until she realized she hadn't picked a murderer'

Jocelyn:Jocelyn: 'And then the year before there were three murderers, and one of them actually robbed the cafe!'

Moira · Jocelyn:Moira: 'it's no less than a snowball gathering speed, picking up bodies as it rolls downhill. And that's good? Very good.'

Jocelyn:So here's the thing about Marie Antoinette. Even though I love to eat cake, I think I'd be pretty annoyed with her myself.

Alexis · Jocelyn:Okay, it's just that she never actually said 'let them eat cake.' / Um well, that depends on who you ask. / Hmm, well, I asked Kirsten Dunst, who played her in the movie.

Jocelyn:You know who else passed notes? This lady passed a lot of secret notes, and eventually was killed.

Jocelyn:Alexis is too pretty, and everyone's talking about the dress. So gorge.

Jocelyn · Alexis:I'm assuming that you know why I wanna talk to you today? / Is it because I was texting in class?

Jocelyn:I will admit that your thesis of 'why shop in store when you can buy online' was a little off-topic, but still a really fresh take.

Moira · Jocelyn:Well, look at you, Alexis, acing your paper! / Oh, no, no, God no. I gave her a solid C plus.

Jocelyn · Moira:It was a noticeable improvement over the first paper. / Um well, I should hope so! / Well, m-maybe not a noticeable improvement, but um, a different improvement.

John · Jocelyn:Jocelyn tells John 'You're handling this way better than I am' — John has no idea what she's talking about

John · Jocelyn:'Roland and Moira, sleeping together. What?!' — John's delayed processing of the information

John · Jocelyn:John points out Moira 'forgot' to mention sleeping with his husband as one of the reasons 'the night was so successful'

John · Jocelyn:Jocelyn: 'We probably shouldn't read anything into the fact that for some reason Moira decided to hide this from you.' John: 'No-no, I wouldn't say 'hide.' No, no.'

Jocelyn:Jocelyn says she knows what it's like to be in bed with a naked Roland Schitt — 'and I am powerless against that'

John · Jocelyn:John: 'He was naked?' Jocelyn: 'He sleeps naked every night.'

Jocelyn:Jocelyn: 'Do you wanna order something to put chocolate sauce on?' — a non-sequitur comfort food offer mid-emotional crisis

Roland · Jocelyn · David:Roland asks if he and Jocelyn both buy foot cream simultaneously, does that count as a 50% discount — David: 'Have you been talking to my dad?'

Jocelyn · David:Jocelyn asks if the Joshua tree tea is drugs — 'Is it drugs?'

Jocelyn:Jocelyn: 'Oh. Is the bad news that there is no good news? My aunt used to play this game with me a lot.'

Moira · Jocelyn:Moira visits Jocelyn and discovers her own sunglasses are on top of her head when asked if she'd seen them.

Moira · Jocelyn:Moira: 'We're in the midst of a family crisis, if you must know!' Jocelyn: 'Well, I don't wanna pry, so...' Moira: 'Well, you've cracked me open.'

Moira · Jocelyn:Jocelyn reveals she is the one who is pregnant. Moira: 'If only.' [Then immediately switches to: 'Oh Jocelyn, oh Jocelyn! Oh, what a wonderful surprise for us all!']

Jocelyn · Moira:Jocelyn: 'I thought it was menopause that was making me late, and giving me the cravings, and morning sickness.' Moira: 'I wouldn't know.'

Jocelyn · Moira:Jocelyn: 'Listen, can you do me a favour, and just keep this between the two of us, because Roland doesn't know yet.' Moira: 'Oh! Oh Jocelyn, Roland's not the father?'

Jocelyn · Roland:Jocelyn tries to hint: 'The last time I made that casserole was when I was pregnant with Mutt. And I've really been craving that casserole again.' [Long pause.] Roland: 'Well, that's understandable, honey, I mean, it's a terrific casserole. I'd kill for a casserole right now.'

Roland · Jocelyn · Twyla:Roland: 'Champagne for everybody, on me!' Jocelyn: 'I can't drink, Rollie.' Roland: 'Oh right, you're driving.' Twyla: '...' Roland: 'Uh, you know what Twyla, actually, let's just do one beer, one beer for me.'

Moira · David · Jocelyn:Moira: 'David, Alexis isn't pregnant.' David: 'Okay, but just picture them as like, tiny little roommates, whose tiny little poops you get to clean up!'

Jocelyn:Organizer's reaction: 'Don't write that down.'

Jocelyn:Jocelyn: 'we're trying to get rid of the asbestos, Moira'

Jocelyn:Jocelyn: 'Okay Moira, I just wanna slap you right across the face. Patty it is! Patty.'

Jocelyn · Moira:Jocelyn arrives with a real hunting rifle for Moira's 'machine gun ballet'

Jocelyn:Jocelyn: 'I got the children's choir down to one song! Some of the kids cried.'

Jocelyn:Jocelyn reveals they already re-printed posters from 'TV's Moira Rose' to 'Television's Moira Rose' for Moira's billing preference

Jocelyn · Moira:Jocelyn: 'Somebody's got cold feet.' Moira: 'Ha ha. Blocks of ice. Mhmm.'

Jocelyn:Jocelyn's wedding day confession: she thought about driving to New Mexico and leaving Roland at the altar at the 'Elmdale Bingo Hall'

Jocelyn:Jocelyn: '27 years of bliss.' — referring to her marriage to Roland

Jocelyn:Jocelyn resolves the scene by taking the real gun back: 'You know what, Moira, pull it together. I'm taking this gun.'

Jocelyn:Here's the thing. I have just remembered how attentive Roland gets when I am pregnant. He is very hands on, very concerned, and he is just always... there.

Roland · Jocelyn:Oh! / Wow! I just upgraded my wand! Two more levels and I'll have enough opals to buy the harp. / Way to go, honey!

Jocelyn:Alone time, Johnny. I just need some alone time.

Moira · Jocelyn · Roland:Moira, while alive and in the room, asks the group to speculate what they would say about her if she were actually dead: 'But theoretically, what do we think we'd be saying right now?'

Roland · Jocelyn:When prompted to say what they'd say at Moira's funeral, Roland offers: 'She always kept things interesting.' Jocelyn: 'Or uh... heaven just got its newest leading lady.'

Jocelyn · John:Jocelyn tells John that Roland has been asking multiple people to be godparent: 'He has been asking everybody. You're the 3rd person I've had to talk to today.'

Jocelyn:Jocelyn: 'if something does happen to one of our first 3 choices, we will definitely be knocking on your door.'

John · Jocelyn:John tries to bow out graciously: 'It's all for the best, Jocelyn, because frankly the thought of raising another kid...' Jocelyn: 'Yeah, well let's face it, your first 2 were no walk in the park, right.'

Jocelyn · John:Jocelyn offers: 'If you like, we could, um, move you up the list?' John: 'No, no, no, but this has all been very, very helpful.'

Jocelyn · Moira:Salem, Massachusetts, actually. / Yeah, his great-great-great great-grandmother accurately guessed the sex of her daughter's baby, and then was put on trial for witchcraft, so, you would see why. / Toil and trouble.

Jocelyn · Moira:I mean, you must just wanna shout out 'it's a boy!' Or, 'it's a girl!' / Is it a girl? / Valiant attempt, Jocelyn.

Jocelyn:Stupid witch!

Moira · Jocelyn · Roland:It's a girl. / Tammy! / Or a boy. / Huh? / Perhaps it's a boy. / Wait, which one is it?

Roland · Jocelyn · Moira:Moira? Oh, you two, I told you I don't know. But we do. We called the doctor. You did? Lovely. Don't you wanna know what it is? I'll give you three guesses.

Moira · Jocelyn:Okay, should I save him? / Oh they'll be fine. / Let's just sit back and enjoy the sight of our two strapping men bonding over an open flame.

Moira · Jocelyn:Sweet gesture, but was that wise? / No offense, Jocelyn. / I was gonna ask him the same thing.

Jocelyn:I just have to say this. I know that we are the Jazzagals, but it was pretty great to have a Jazza-guy in our midst today.

Jocelyn:Somebody decided to do a synchronized swimming routine at 2am

Jocelyn · David:'Something to do with her husband's heart.' / 'Oh, well, hope it clears itself up.'

Jocelyn · David:'Yeah, well, it won't. That's the problem.' / 'Well, you never know.' / 'Well, I do.'

Jocelyn:Roland offered his movie posters — specifically 'The Pelican Brief' — as baby shower decorations

Jocelyn:'Yeah, I mean, somebody like you, or you.' — Jocelyn's barely-concealed manipulation of David into volunteering

Jocelyn · Roland:The Diaper Game explanation: melt chocolate into diapers, guests sniff and guess the bar

Jocelyn · David:'You don't just sniff it.' — Jocelyn's correction of David's reductive description of the diaper game

Patrick · Jocelyn:Hey, Jocelyn, why don't you get ready, get changed, and we'll take good care of the place. — I am ready.

Jocelyn:Jocelyn saying 'I am ready' when asked if she wants to get changed — she's still in her pajamas

Jocelyn:You've served so many times already! I mean you had to miss the Jazzagals Luau Luncheon because of that hung jury, and then before that, you and Johnny got caught in that criminal trial and couldn't make it to the Seafood Potluck.

Jocelyn:I feel like I'm on 'The Voice'!

Judge · Moira · Jocelyn:You two know each other? / Not really, we just got to talking on the way in. / I... I wouldn't say we were close. / All right, I'm dismissing both Juror 75 and Juror 23.

Jocelyn:Mother (bleep). / This is the farthest I've ever gone!

Jocelyn:Listen, I can't speak to who Alexis was before you came here, and from what I've heard I don't really wanna dig any deeper into that...

Jocelyn · Moira:She is a hard worker, she is kind, and she is capable of so much more than people give her credit for. / Jocelyn, that is one of the most generous compliments one could receive as a mother.

Roland · Jocelyn:So, we'd like you to say hello to Roland Moira Schitt.

Roland · Jocelyn:So, we'd like you to say hello to Roland Moira Schitt.

Jocelyn · Moira:Moira, it's so wonderful that you made this happen for Johnny. / Yeah. / But, we were supposed to be caroling at the senior's center 30 minutes ago. / Oh, Jocelyn, surely the dentures have been dropped in the glass by now. / Can't we spare one carol here, before we go?

Moira · Jocelyn:I don't know if you know what it's like to be mortally deprived of one's sleep! / I haven't slept in eight months. / Why's that? / Because of the baby.

Moira · Jocelyn:I've had a bit of a rebirth myself, in Bosnia. / I hope it wasn't as painful as mine.

Moira · Jocelyn:Moira sings a traditional Bosnian love song (Sevdah) to Jocelyn, whose baby is sleeping.

Moira · Jocelyn:Yeah... it's a sad one. / I would be feeling it too, if I knew... what the heck you were singing about.

Jocelyn:I once found a bag of Roland's ex-girlfriends' bras. / Burned them. / Except for the ones that were my size.

Jocelyn:Woo! Wow. This little 'butterfly' is quite the writer. It's like 50 Shades of Johnny Rose!

Moira · Jocelyn:Jocelyn announces she might miss rehearsal, and Moira immediately offers to 'spearhead that effort' and take over her solo

Jocelyn:The rehearsal venue for the Jazzagals concert is 'Yarn for Cheap'

Twyla · Jocelyn:Twyla mentions she sings Jocelyn's solo quietly every time Jocelyn does it; Jocelyn says 'I know, and it's not that quiet'

Jocelyn:Jocelyn's goodbye scene — she tears up at the baby, says 'no rest for the wicked', 'either he's crying or I am', and rushes out bumping into things

Moira · Jocelyn:Jocelyn arrives for rehearsal only to find it's over — Moira: 'I'm afraid that dirigible has ascended.'

Moira · Ronnie · Twyla · Jocelyn:Moira explains the early rehearsal start: 'Ronnie has a massage. It was also conducive to Twyla's schedule.' Jocelyn: 'You moved the rehearsal for Ronnie's massage?'

Jocelyn:Jocelyn: 'I ran all over town looking for a babysitter. Pulled a number off a telephone pole. She's a pet sitter, but she said she'd make an exception. I don't even know her last name!'

Moira · Jocelyn:Moira's 'circle time' intervention for Jocelyn — framed as group therapy — begins with Moira immediately coaching Jocelyn on how to express her feelings ('touch louder, Jocelyn', 'expand on that')

Moira · Jocelyn:Moira provides live coaching/stage directions to Jocelyn mid-emotional-outburst: 'That's good, that's good, expand on that.' / 'Touch louder, Jocelyn.' / 'Just a little more specific, we're all here to help you.'

Twyla · Jocelyn:Twyla immediately apologizes and says she'll sing louder; Jocelyn: 'Nope, you are singing too loud.'

Jocelyn · Moira:Jocelyn confronts Moira: 'We are all sick and tired of hearing about Bosnia.' Moira's response: 'We're just grasping at straws now, Jocelyn.'

Jocelyn · Alexis:Remember that time that you told me you'd be there for me if I ever needed you? / I don't think that was me.

Jocelyn:it just would've never occurred to us to ask you.

Jocelyn:Oh wow, so it's just gonna be Johnny, alone with our precious miracle baby?

Moira · Jocelyn · Roland · Moira:I just put him down! / Oh. / No, Roland's been asleep for quite some time.

Jocelyn:Uh oh, ladies! Somebody better call Poison Control, because tonight's gonna be... ♪ Nothin' but a good time! ♪

Jocelyn:Because when Rikki Rockett makes direct eye contact with you during 'Talk Dirty to Me', you are gonna want to talk dirty back!

Jocelyn:I didn't pump for four hours straight to get on a chartered bus to go to the end of the street and back!

Jocelyn:You know what? I was going to change and then I thought, no, if my babysitter can show up wearing a crop top the size of a bib, I can wear this to a casino!

Jocelyn:If the bus is a-rockin', don't come a-knockin'! Wooo!

Jocelyn · Moira:Magic brownies! / THC and carbohydrates. / Oh Moira, we don't expect you to have one. / One? At least one.

Jocelyn:It's either black or red, even or odd. And you never know where you're gonna land.

Jocelyn:If you'd've told me 20 years ago I'd be standing here with an empty chip bucket, stoned out of my mind at a Doodlebops concert, I would've lit a menthol, and had a laugh.

Moira · Jocelyn:You went to that show? / I stepped in briefly, Roland Jr.'s a huge fan of 'Wobbly Whoopsy.'

Moira · Jocelyn:Well, of course you did, as did anyone with brain cells to kill. I'm thinking of a particular night in Monaco with Maggie Trudeau and the Rolling Stones. / You rocked with the Stones? / All except Charlie, but every party has a pooper.

Jocelyn · Moira:Tah-dah! Oh, Jocelyn, is that you? / Yes! I took your advice, Moira.

Jocelyn:That I can still rock on! / Your chips bought this!

Jocelyn · Moira · Twyla:We all still like it, right? / I think it really brings out my eyes, right, Gals? / Sure. / It's not like we think it's a mistake, or we regret it, right? / Oh, you never regret a good time, Jocelyn. / Thank you, Moira. / You'd tell me the truth, I know. / It's really short.

Jocelyn · Moira:Those shoes do not make a sound. Blame Wang.

Jocelyn:I actually wanted to do 'Cats', but everybody said that it was too political, so.

Jocelyn · Moira:Moira's shocked reaction to learning Jocelyn chose Cabaret — the show that 'launched her career' — and Jocelyn casually saying '1979, you had a Reuben.'

Jocelyn:Wow, Bob. Who knew you were a man of so many talents? Well, I don't need to see any more.

Jocelyn · Bob · Moira:Well try it um, angrier? You know, like, grr, put your hands on your hips. / Like this? / Oh dear.

Jocelyn:Okay, so this is what we call mutual respect. So if you could just stay like this for the an hour, that would be ideal.

Jocelyn · Moira:Oh no, no, Patrick was auditioning for the role of Cliff. / Yes, he was. But we all know you put your biggest talent front and centre.

Moira · Jocelyn · Moira:Isn't that right, Jocelyn? / Sure. As long as I never have to act again. / Okay, no.

Jocelyn:Working with you made me realize that I may not have the skills to do this. But you, you were practically directly by yourself today.

Jocelyn:Please, Moira. You'd be doing me a favour. I mean, it's either that, or you could call Mr. and Mrs. Tekenos and let them know that their daughter bit another student at school today.

Jocelyn · Moira:Assistant directing? / Mhmm, some would argue it's even more responsibility than directing.

Jocelyn:What have I done? No!

Johnny · Jocelyn · Bob:Johnny's crowd-work attempt: makes fun of Jocelyn's cooking after being called out for it, then pivots to 'Bob's Garage' not 'helping' anyone — fumbling the pun

Jocelyn:'Gentlemen, major show drama aside, I just wanted to say congratulations to the future Mister and Mister. Or is it Misters?'

David · Jocelyn:David asks how Jocelyn found out about the engagement — she lists 'Moira. Maybe Alexis. Possibly Gwen.'

Johnny · Roland · Jocelyn:Good, then let's go get our lamb. / Oh, are we having lamb? / No, just my Sloppy Jocelyns.

Jocelyn:'No, I think three times through is the sweet spot.'

Jocelyn · Moira:Jocelyn's tepid review: 'Well... it looked just like a real movie.' Moira: 'Now there is the quote for the sizzle reel!'

Jocelyn · Moira:Jocelyn tries again: 'Oh... it's-it's neat!' / Moira: '"Neat."' / Jocelyn: 'To see you in a... in a real movie.'

Jocelyn · Moira:Jocelyn: 'My first boyfriend took me to a Michael Myers movie and I never got over it.' Moira: 'Not "The Love Guru"?'

Moira · Jocelyn:Moira: 'Who wrote that?' / Jocelyn: 'I did.' / Moira: 'You? You did.' (pause) 'Oh wow... Jocelyn, thank you.' (pause) 'Nothing about me or my performance?'

Jocelyn · Moira:Jocelyn: 'I really liked your feathers!' Moira: 'Surprise. They are real. 1200 of them hand-sewn into my costume. The live crows on set welcomed me as their own. One even tried to mate.'

Jocelyn · Moira:Hello, Access Hollywood? Have I got a star sighting for you! Very pawky, Jocelyn.

Jocelyn:It reminds me of that time that Renée Zellweger's brother came in here, and I got him to sign a menu. I mean, he spelled his name differently, but I swear it was him.

Jocelyn:I was in the middle of a pre-show bath, and with the baby around, I only get that kind of me-time maybe... five to six nights a week, so...

Jocelyn:Oh, sanp! It's a premiere now? 'Cause first you said it was, and then you said it was just a viewing party.

Jocelyn:Yeah, and, and if it's a premiere, we're all in trouble, because my skinny jeans are in the wash.

Alexis · Jocelyn:Wait, you wanna walk the carpet? / Honey, it's a movie premiere, is it not?

Jocelyn · Alexis:And I assume the mayor is walking the carpet as well, yes? / Yes... if he has to.

Jocelyn · Alexis:I would like to request a time before Roland. And I'd like to go first.

Jocelyn · Alexis:I think they're really gonna pop on your 20-foot merlot. I think so too! They're gonna pop on that carpet.

Ronnie · Jocelyn:Ronnie's complaint about having to change out of her own workout clothes, followed by Jocelyn finding a stain on the cult-issued pants and asking 'Are we sure that they clean these?'

Jocelyn:Jocelyn: 'If babies are allowed, I am in.'

Jocelyn:Alexis, can I still go on the trip? I'm not saying that I need it. It's just last weekend I snuck Roland Jr. into the ball room at Ikea just so I could eat a meatball by myself.

Jocelyn:"Miranda is so sassy when she went undercover for that wet T-shirt contest."

Jocelyn:"Bob has his first cry therapy session tonight."

Roland · Jocelyn · Johnny · Moira:Roland and Jocelyn arrive at the Presidential Suite — catching Johnny and Moira with martinis in the room they were told they couldn't use

Roland · Jocelyn:Roland reveals they've been renting out their extra bedroom to pay for the motel — a stranger has been making himself at home in Jocelyn's kitchen

Johnny · Roland · Jocelyn:Confused JFK quotation argument — Johnny insists 'Ask not what your country can do for you' is JFK but Roland and Jocelyn argue it's FDR and that JFK is from Boston not Upstate New York

David · Jocelyn:Jocelyn waving at David and Patrick from across the room 'in a very disturbing way'

Jocelyn:Jocelyn guilting David and Patrick: 'I'll be the mother with the baby at home looking for some extra cash, after I invested in your father's business. I'll be over here.'

Jocelyn:Jocelyn: 'There is an opening for a waitress at Bazongas Gentlemen's Club. I guess I could try that.'

Jocelyn · David:Jocelyn saying she'll go home to change into something 'more casual' — David's horrified reaction beat

Jocelyn · David · Patrick:Jocelyn's unsolicited advice about body milk and diaper rash, completely ignoring David's 'let them wander' instructions

Jocelyn:Jocelyn: 'Have a "Rose-y" day!'

David · Jocelyn:David: 'We won't be doing "Rose-y day."' / Jocelyn: 'No?' / David: 'No.'

Jocelyn · David · Patrick:Jocelyn rings a bell — 'Another sale, boys!' / David: 'Where'd she get that bell?' / Patrick: 'She brought it from home.'

Jocelyn · David:Jocelyn: 'as David would say, I just don't think it's in my brand.' / David: 'I don't think I've ever said that.'

Jocelyn:Jocelyn: 'You guys can keep the bell. 'Cause you might need it a little more than me.'

Jocelyn:Jocelyn: 'I'll come by tomorrow to pick up my paycheck.'

Jocelyn · Moira:Excuse me? / Moira, I haven't said anything yet. Why the festivities then?

Jocelyn:Grace is moving to Elm Valley. That's why the cake says 'Goodbye Grace.'

Moira · Grace · Jocelyn:Shh. Okay, we'll just smooth things over until Grace arrives. / I-I'm right here. / Yes you are! Grace! Our timorous grinagog. I think I'll miss you most of all.

Moira · Jocelyn:You've received correspondence? What am I looking at? A cartoon head exploding? / Oh. It looks like three cartoon heads exploding. / Well, then they're blowing people's minds. What's the concern?

Jocelyn:You're gripping my wrist very tightly, Moira.

Moira · Grace · Jocelyn:Okay. Well, let's just continue celebrating Grace. / What? / I'm Grace. / I know. But she's not... you're — you're not celebrating enough. No.

Moira · Jocelyn:This threat of failure is inhumane. Jocelyn: No, I think it's exciting. It's like 'Deal or No Deal', but with the rest of our lives.

Jocelyn:'I went to the spa. Had a pedicure and a blow-out, at the same time.'