Jocelyn Schitt

Moira · Jocelyn:You have a really lovely home. It's really um, understated. / Thank you. I get a lot of my ideas from magazines. / Don't be modest. This is 100 percent you and only you.

Jocelyn:It's the treat that keeps our love life percolating. It's like an aphrodisiac with him.

Jocelyn:I wish I could pull off the whole gloomy, no makeup look. It's so French.

David · Jocelyn:I don't think it's gonna pass. I don't think it's passing. / Migraines can be so awful. / Yeah, well, not this one. Not this one.

Jocelyn:Why don't you lay down on our mattress. The sheets are in the dryer but there is rubber pad.

Moira · Jocelyn:or you want to finish high school? / I'm not sure, I couldn't hear over your husband's chewing.

Jocelyn:Although I know those boys are undressing me every time I drop a piece of chalk.

Jocelyn:I could be doing cartwheels in a thong in front of that television, which I have done, but if your show was on, I was as good as wall paper.

Jocelyn:Couldn't put another thing in my mouth.

Jocelyn:'feel free to use the restraints. We keep 'em under the bed'

Jocelyn:'Pick a safe word'

Jocelyn:Jocelyn's oversharing: 'Normally I do this with Roland, but he had a bad burrito so he's M.I.A.' 'Trust me, that's good news for everybody.'

Jocelyn:Jocelyn: 'Roland had a bad burrito so he's M.I.A. Trust me, that's good news for everybody.'

Jocelyn:Jocelyn's sex advice during yoga: 'Um, have you tried sex?' 'Sex puts me right to sleep. You should have lots and lots of sex.'

Jocelyn · David:Yoga confessions: 'I burnt my sausage casserole.' 'I'm pretty sure I'm really lonely here.'

Jocelyn:He had a boner!

Moira · Jocelyn:But not necessarily. / Sad?! You think this is a sad look?

Moira · Jocelyn · Ronnie:Sorry, you're... you're an Allez Vous consultant? / I'm actually an executive area manager. / I'm a district manager. / I'm an executive district manager. / I gave up.

Jocelyn · Moira:In two weeks we had sold everything to the other half of town, and vice versa. / That's... that's funny. / It became a bit incestuous, yeah, very small sales pool.

Roland · Jocelyn:Event. Oh, it's more of a soiree.

Jocelyn · Ted · Roland:Pineapples, pig on the spit, the whole nine yards. Oh, you, uh, roast pigs? We do! Sure do. We have a big one hanging in the garage.

Jocelyn:Hoity-toity. All right, I've said it.

Jocelyn · Johnny:I just wanna wipe my hands all over that! You just keep getting funnier. I'm not joking though, I really do.

Jocelyn:Spark it up, Roley! Spark it up.

Jocelyn:What if I had not been crowned Dairy Princess and moved to the city with my driving instructor?

Jocelyn:Who's the eyebrows buying everyone's drinks?

Jocelyn:Jocelyn's backhanded assessment: 'You strike me as the sort of person that had a hard time in high school'

Jocelyn:Jocelyn's fashion critique: 'Your floral top, for instance'

Jocelyn:I knew there was a good person in there somewhere, David.

Jocelyn:Jocelyn's parting advice: 'Get the quilted, that other stuff will chafe you right up'

Jocelyn:Oh, fuck!

Jocelyn:The Doctors Who Uncleft The Mouths.

Jocelyn:Is it a wig?

Moira · Jocelyn:The coat you kept going on about that one time. / Are you sure it was me?

Moira · Jocelyn:You didn't try it on, did you? / No. / Oh, why not? / I gave it away.

Jocelyn:$975,000 suddenly seems like such a girly number. / I mean a million. That's bold, that's sexy.

Jocelyn · Roland:Roland, these people have literally hit rock bottom, they're not in the mood for your jokes right now. She is.

Jocelyn:Of course I'd say... yes, it's just that that darn stove is on the fritz.

Roland · Jocelyn:Because this pie is scorching! / It comes and goes, Roland!

Roland · Jocelyn · Roland:Bill doesn't do stoves. / Then, Gary. / Gary? Our dentist??

Jocelyn · Moira:Oh no, we were done early, we got plenty of time. - Thank you, but I think I'm fighting a little bug.

Jocelyn:Oh, that was... different.

Jocelyn:I'm currently running unopposed. So that kinda takes away the excitement of winning, you know, but still, I think it's gonna be a real hoot.

Jocelyn:just because you've spent all your time trying to sell the town and get outta here, so.

Jocelyn:I'm just joking, I can see they're on.

Jocelyn · Johnny:Sad sack-y today. Sad sack-y?

Jocelyn:That's where we had our honeymoon. Had a lot of great times in that room.

Jocelyn · Johnny:It was actually the first song that we ever made... Okay, I really don't need the details on that.

Jocelyn:Well, it's kinda obvious that you and Moira are a little bit rocky right now.

Jocelyn · Johnny:No. I was gonna say sensitive. Oh, sensitive. Especially when I wanna do something on my own. Ohhh! Do you really think he's obnoxious and irritating?

Jocelyn:You are so right! You know, I thought that I might be ready to forgive him, but I think he needs a couple more nights at that motel.

Jocelyn:Oh no, I'd put one on my lawn if I wasn't worried about winning.

Jocelyn:Roland got carried away and used his mayoral power to get people to put more signs on their lawns.

Jocelyn:The other day, I called another driver an effing moron. I didn't say the 'f' word, but I said, 'effing,'

Jocelyn:I can't get through an episode of 'Masterchef Junior' without crying.

Jocelyn:I can't get through an episode of 'Masterchef Junior' without crying.

Jocelyn:Congratulations, Moira. You are the new councilor for the town of Schitt's Creek.

Jocelyn · Johnny:Because before you were saying that you didn't wanna go out tonight, so... / No, no, we-we uh... / You can certainly join us, if you don't have your own table.

Roland · Johnny · Jocelyn:and Fridays, it's strip crib. / Well, thank God it's not Friday. / Well, we can pretend.

Moira · Jocelyn:I'm sure you've seen 'The Crows Have Eyes.' / I have never heard of it, but congratulations.

Jocelyn · Twyla:♪ K-H-E-O-K! ♪

Jocelyn:Okay, before we start, I just wanna warn everybody, there is a murderer on the loose. In this town. - So heads up, eyes peeled, guys.

Jocelyn:Last year it went until 3 am, And Twyla just wandered around kind of winking at everybody, until she realized she hadn't picked a murderer.

Jocelyn:And then the year before there were three murderers, and one of them actually robbed the cafe!

Moira · Jocelyn:This party has real momentum now. And with you attached, it's no less than a snowball gathering speed, picking up bodies as it rolls downhill. And that's good? Very good.

Jocelyn:You know who else passed notes? This lady passed a lot of secret notes, and eventually was killed.

Jocelyn:why shop in store when you can buy online

Jocelyn:Roland and Moira, sleeping together.

Jocelyn:And we probably shouldn't read anything into the fact that for some reason, Moira decided to hide this from you.

Jocelyn:It's just that I know what it's like to be in bed with a naked Roland Schitt, and I am powerless against that.

Jocelyn:Last year my throat almost completely shut.

Jocelyn · David:Is it drugs? Uh, no. It's loose leaf tea. Okay. Because it smells exactly like... Oh, come on! Wow! Geez, I didn't realize this place was a front.

Jocelyn:Oh. Is the bad news that there is no good news? My aunt used to play this game with me a lot.

Jocelyn:They got a terrible stomach flu that just run right through them.

Jocelyn · Moira:You mean, the ones on top of your head? / And there they are

Jocelyn:Moira, I'm the one who's pregnant

Jocelyn · Jocelyn:Rollie, how are you not getting this? / I'm pregnant!

Jocelyn · Roland:I'm pregnant! We're having a baby. / Twyla, I'm gonna have the bottomless French Onion soup, and maybe you might wanna drop a little calamari on the table

Roland · Jocelyn · Roland:Champagne for everybody, on me! / I can't drink, Rollie. / Oh right, you're driving

Jocelyn:Okay Moira, I just wanna slap you right across the face. Patty it is! Patty.

Jocelyn:On my wedding day, I thought, what if I just got in my car and drove to New Mexico, and left Roland at the altar at the Elmdale Bingo Hall?

Jocelyn:even though somebody put down a really hefty deposit on a wall of mirrors!

Jocelyn:It's the middle of summer. Brr! It's awfully cold out there.

Jocelyn:Um, they used to do this act every year at our Christmas party, and you can't unsee something like this.

Jocelyn:I have just remembered how attentive Roland gets when I am pregnant. He is very hands on, very concerned, and he is just always... there.

Jocelyn:Alone time, Johnny. I just need some alone time.

Jocelyn:Uh, she always kept things interesting. / Or uh... heaven just got its newest leading lady.

Jocelyn:Or uh... heaven just got its newest leading lady.

Jocelyn · Johnny:Roland asked if you wanted to be godfather to the baby. Yes! He has been asking everybody to be the godparent. You're the 3rd person I've had to talk to today, so.

Jocelyn · Johnny:Roland asked if you wanted to be godfather to the baby. / Yes! / He has been asking everybody to be the godparent. You're the 3rd person I've had to talk to today, so.

Jocelyn:Well if you like, we could um, move you up the list?

Jocelyn:Yeah, well, let's face it, your first 2 were no walk in the park, right.

Jocelyn:his great-great-great great-grandmother accurately guessed the sex of her daughter's baby, and then was put on trial for witchcraft

Jocelyn · Moira:Is it a girl? Valiant attempt, Jocelyn.

Jocelyn:Stupid witch!

Moira · Moira · Jocelyn:Sweet gesture, but was that wise? / No offense, Jocelyn. / I was gonna ask him the same thing.

Jocelyn:I know that we are the Jazzagals, but it was pretty great to have a Jazza-guy in our midst today.

Jocelyn:Somebody decided to do a synchronized swimming routine at 2am.

Jocelyn · David:Something to do with her husband's heart. - Oh, well, hope it clears itself up. - Yeah, well, it won't. That's the problem. - Well, you never know. - Well, I do.

Jocelyn:Roland's been trying to help me, offered off his movie posters, you know, but I just don't think that 'The Pelican Brief' is festive enough for a baby shower.

Jocelyn:Yeah, I mean, somebody like you, or you.

Jocelyn:I thought I would what I could to get a jumpstart on the decorations.

Jocelyn:Oh my gosh, it is so fun! We played it at Mutt's baby shower! Basically, you melt different chocolate bars into different diapers, and then people take turns guessing...

Jocelyn:I am ready.

Jocelyn:Oh no, I've been waiting for this moment. Apparently, if they call your number, you get to stand in front of a judge! I feel like I'm on 'The Voice'!

Jocelyn:Mother (bleep). This is the farthest I've ever gone!

Jocelyn:Mother (bleep). This is the farthest I've ever gone!

Jocelyn:I have watched your daughter, over the last couple of years, grow into one of the most amazing people I've ever known. She is a hard worker, she is kind, and she is capable of so much more than people give her credit for

Jocelyn · Moira · Jocelyn:I haven't slept in eight months. / Why's that? / Because of the baby.

Jocelyn:I would be feeling it too, if I knew... what the heck you were singing about.

Jocelyn:I once found a bag of Roland's ex-girlfriends' bras. Burned them. Except for the ones that were my size.

Jocelyn:It's like 50 Shades of Johnny Rose!

Jocelyn:I was seven minutes late!

Jocelyn:We really need to rehearse that Nine Inch Nails medley for our concert at 'Yarn for Cheap.'

Jocelyn:I know, Twyla. And it's not that quiet.

Jocelyn:Well, these days, either he's crying, or I am.

Jocelyn:I don't even know her last name!

Jocelyn:B-words!

Jocelyn:I haven't noticed an improvement! And sometimes you sing too softly.

Jocelyn:We are all sick and tired of hearing about Bosnia.

Jocelyn · Alexis:Remember that time that you told me you'd be there for me if I ever needed you? / I don't think that was me.

Jocelyn:Oh wow, so it's just gonna be Johnny, alone with our precious miracle baby?

Jocelyn · Moira:Oh my gosh, you got little Roland Jr. to sleep? / Oh no, I'm talking about John.

Jocelyn · Moira:I can actually see myself leaving Roland Jr. With you people more often. / Well, that something Linda might want to massage right out of your mind, the next appointment.

Jocelyn:Uh oh, ladies! Somebody better call Poison Control, because tonight's gonna be... ♪ Nothin' but a good time! ♪

Jocelyn:Because when Rikki Rockett makes direct eye contact with you during 'Talk Dirty to Me', you are gonna want to talk dirty back!

Jocelyn:I didn't pump for four hours straight to get on a chartered bus to go to the end of the street and back!

Jocelyn:You know what? I was going to change and then I thought, no, if my babysitter can show up wearing a crop top the size of a bib, I can wear this to a casino!

Jocelyn:If the bus is a-rockin', don't come a-knockin'! Wooo! Yeah!

Jocelyn · Moira:Oh Moira, we don't expect you to have one. One? At least one.

Jocelyn:If you'd've told me 20 years ago I'd be standing here with an empty chip bucket, stoned out of my mind at a Doodlebops concert, I would've lit a menthol, and had a laugh.

Jocelyn:Roland Jr.'s a huge fan of 'Wobbly Whoopsy.'

Jocelyn:We all still like it, right?

Twyla · Jocelyn:It's really short. ♪ Every rose has its thorn ♪

Jocelyn · Moira:Those shoes do not make a sound. - Blame Wang.

Jocelyn:I actually wanted to do 'Cats', but everybody said that it was too political, so.

Jocelyn · Moira:1979, you had a Reuben. - No, but never mind.

Jocelyn:As long as I never have to act again.

Jocelyn:What have I done? No!

Jocelyn · Moira:This is so exciting! I feel like I'm a Wolf of Wall Street. Good... then let's go get our lamb.

Roland · Jocelyn · Johnny:We... are buying into the business. Say hello to your new business partners. / So, we have the motel? We sure do. Now, first order of business, we need name tags.

Jocelyn:Well... it looked just like a real movie.

Jocelyn:From the first ominous syllable of the narrator's tale, one can feel the hair on one's arms standing at affrighted attention.

Jocelyn · Moira:Hello, Access Hollywood? Have I got a star sighting for you! Very pawky, Jocelyn.

Jocelyn:It reminds me of that time that Renée Zellweger's brother came in here, and I got him to sign a menu. I mean, he spelled his name differently, but I swear it was him.

Jocelyn:Ornithology Today! Well, if anyone knows crows...

Jocelyn · Moira:Moira Rose, as Dr. Clara Mandrake, is delightfully unhinged. / Do you know what they call this, gals? An understated rave.

Jocelyn:I kinda wish I knew that before I spent all that money on my LuLu Limes.

Jocelyn:Yeah, I kinda wish I knew that before I spent all that money on my LuLu Limes.

Stevie · Jocelyn:How does he know all of our names? - Am I crazy or is he really cute?

Jocelyn:Jocelyn's Ikea meatball confession

Jocelyn:Miranda is so sassy when she went undercover for that wet T-shirt contest.

Jocelyn:I'll be the mother with the baby at home looking for some extra cash, after I invested in your father's business.

Jocelyn:There is an opening for a waitress at Bazongas Gentlemen's Club. I guess I could try that.

Jocelyn:I don't know what's wrong with Bazongas.

Jocelyn:speaking as someone who uses the body milk on the regs, just had a baby, don't wanna get stretch marks

Jocelyn:plus it's great for diaper rash

Jocelyn:You guys make it look so much harder.

Jocelyn · David · Patrick:Have a 'Rose-y' day! - We won't be doing 'Rose-y day.' - No?

Jocelyn · David:I just don't think it's in my brand. - I don't think I've ever said that.

Jocelyn:'Cause you might need it a little more than me.

Moira · Jocelyn:Oh gals! You shouldn't have. - Jocelyn, are we now moonlighting as town crier? - Oh, no, Moira... - Cheeky gawpus you.

Jocelyn:It's like 'Deal or No Deal', but with the rest of our lives.

Jocelyn:I went to the spa. Had a pedicure and a blow-out, at the same time.

Veronica · Jocelyn:I say, fuck 'em. / Veronica!