Turkey Shoot

Stevie:So I looked up what it could be, and apparently there's something called a 'demonic cricket.'

Stevie:A demonic cricket. And according to this forum, they come in chunks.

Stevie:They come in chunks, David.

Stevie:I have a phobia of bugs. Like, a real phobia. I can't... I can't be around them. Just the thought of them crawling into my mouth while I'm sleeping, nesting in my teeth, laying eggs in my gums... it's...

David:Well, maybe a bug will nest in your mouth while you sleep.

Stevie:Yeah, well, you're not wrong.

Moira:Hello? Hello?! Where is my towel? David! David, where is my towel?!

David:It's in the dryer.

Moira:The dryer? David, I am standing here, soaking wet, like some sort of... drowned arctic fox, and my towel is in the dryer?

David:Yes.

Moira:Well, this is unacceptable. Do you know what this feels like? This is what I imagine homelessness feels like.

Jocelyn:So when someone says they're 'pitching a tent,' it's just a cute way of saying—

Roland:Getting a boner.

Jocelyn:Yes, well, I was going to say it more delicately, but sure.

Moira:These towels are absolutely filthy. I cannot use these.

Johnny:Moira, those are the clean towels.

Moira:Well, they smell like a bug died in them.

Johnny:A bug did die in them.

Moira:A bug? A bug?! Do you understand what you've done? You've taken a Frette towel—a Frette towel—and used it as an insecticide! This isn't a towel anymore, it's a crime scene! I can't even look at it without feeling like I need to be decontaminated. It's been violated. We've all been violated.

Moira:A spa day? I don't have time for such pedestrian pursuits. I'm far too busy maintaining this level of fabulousness.

Johnny:You know, the weight she's carrying...

Moira:Well, she does seem to be retaining water. I have a wonderful colonics specialist in the city.

Moira:Find me a towel immediately or I will air dry naked in the town square.

David:What's in the Meadow Harvest smoothie?

Twyla:Oh, it's made with meadow harvest ingredients.

David:Yes, but what ingredients?

Twyla:The ones we harvest from the meadow.

David:Twyla, that's not—

Twyla:That's why it's called Meadow Harvest.

Alexis:Is it fruity?

Twyla:Well, it's made of fruit.

Alexis:Okay, but is it fruity?

Twyla:It's as fruity as a smoothie made of fruit would be.

Ted:I would avoid that smoothie if I were you. Let's just say Twyla's digestive system is like a theme park, and you do not want to be on that ride.

Ted:Well, I've been recommending smoothies to patients for years. They're great for digestion, energy, mental clarity...

Ted:Actually, I prescribe them. Medically.

Alexis:Wait, so you're like, a dog doctor?

Ted:I'm a veterinarian, yes.

Alexis:Right, but I mean, it's basically the same thing as being a regular doctor, right? Like, you went to medical school and everything?

Ted:Veterinary school, actually.

Alexis:Okay, but like, how different could it be? I mean, a body is a body.

Alexis:Oh my god, stop. I mean, I know, but like, stop.

Alexis:Oh my God, it's actually not that bad.

Ted:Wait, give it a few minutes.

Alexis:No, I think you were just being dramatic, Ted. This is actually really—

Alexis:Oh God. Oh God, no. No, no, no.

David:My idea of nature is a luxury music festival where the bathrooms are immaculate and there's a tent dedicated solely to artisanal mineral water.

David:Well, I don't know what you mean by that. I enjoy plenty of activities. I have hobbies. I'm very outdoorsy.

David:I went to a SoulCycle class once. I own a Patagonia vest. I have spent a considerable amount of time in nature.

David:I'm not concerned about the hunting part. I'm concerned about what one wears to hunt. Do you understand how orange clashes with my complexion?

Moira:This duvet cover is a labyrinth of despair! These corners are playing games with me, and I am LOSING.

Moira:Well, I don't understand. A mean scalp massage? Why would anyone want their scalp to be mean to them? I go to the salon to be treated with kindness and respect, not to have my scalp develop a personality disorder.

Stevie:I'm going out tonight. There's this guy, and we're going to grab drinks.

David:That's nice.

Stevie:Yeah, so... what are you doing tonight?

David:I'm going to be here. Alone. Which I prefer.

Stevie:Competence.

Alexis:Did you know that Meryl Streep can speak like fifteen languages? I read that somewhere. Or maybe it was just that she's really good at accents. Anyway, she's amazing.

David:You can't just go traveling with strangers. Anything could happen.

Alexis:Oh my God, David, relax. I'm not traveling with strangers. I'm going on an international blind date.

David:Because Alexis, that's what people do. They talk to each other's parents. It's a normal part of being in a relationship. I know that might be foreign to you, given your track record, but some of us actually maintain connections with our partner's families.

Moira:Well, that's wonderful that they're being so civil about it. When your father and I separated, it was absolute carnage.

Johnny:Yes, there were restraining orders involved.

Moira:It was a very public dissolution.

Johnny:Well, your mother and I have always believed that a healthy sexual relationship is the foundation of any marriage. When I was your age, I made a list of all the things I wanted to accomplish in the bedroom, and let me tell you, some of them required equipment we had to special order from a catalog.

Johnny:A dinner date? That's wonderful. Where are you going?

Johnny:Oh. Well, I'm sure the ambiance will more than make up for the food.

David:Dad, you look like you're going to invade a small country.

Roland:WHAT?! You've never killed before?! Well, that's nothing to be ashamed of, buddy. I didn't kill my first thing until I was in my thirties!

David:I'm not wearing that. It looks like something a woodsman would die in.

David:Although... the color is rather neutral. And the utilitarian pockets could work if styled correctly with the right accessories.

David:You know what? I could make this work. It's almost... deconstructed workwear.

Alexis:He played Beyoncé music like it was a personal introduction.

Stevie:A kiss on the cheek is like a handshake.

Alexis:Oh my god, Ted shook my hand too.

Roland:So, uh, how's your sex life?

Roland:David? He's indoorsy. The guy's a real homebody. Won't go outside, won't do anything. He's pale, he's weak, he's scrimpy.

David:I don't know anything about babies. I've never held a baby. I don't want to hold a baby.

Johnny:Who does Moira look like?

David:Tonya Harding.

Johnny:Why would you say that?

David:I don't know, there's just something about the eyes.

Moira:No, it's not a wig. It's a dead animal that I've trained to sit on my head.

Moira:This isn't a wig, Jocelyn. It's a protective style.

Jocelyn:Oh my God, are you saying my hair looks like a wig?

Moira:No, no, I would never—

Jocelyn:Because I don't wear wigs, Moira. I have naturally voluminous hair.

Moira:I'm wearing this wig because Schitt's Creek is a prison, and I refuse to let it take my hair hostage.

David:I just shot a turkey. I'm basically a serial killer.

David:Ted Bundy started somewhere too, you know.

David:I feel terrible about shooting that deer.

Roland:Well, it happens. You shoot a deer, it dies. That's the whole point of shooting a deer.

David:I know, but I didn't mean to. It was an accident.

Roland:Yeah, well, the deer didn't know that. As far as the deer's concerned, it's just as dead.

Moira:Jocelyn, I have to say, you've really carved out an identity for yourself here in town.

Jocelyn:Oh, thank you, Moira!

Moira:Yes, well, it's quite impressive, really. Before you moved here, I wouldn't have recognized you in a lineup.

Moira:I suppose I have been known to reinvent myself. Several times. In several countries. But that's not a flaw, that's called being versatile.

Moira:If I have to shop at a big box store, I will simply cease to exist.

Moira:Jocelyn, I need you to promise me something. If I ever become a burden, I want you to shoot me.

Jocelyn:Oh Moira, I could never do that.

Moira:Please, Jocelyn. I'm serious.

Jocelyn:Well, I mean, I wouldn't even know where to get a gun. Roland has all the guns.

David:Why is hunting appealing to you?

Stevie:I don't know, it's just something to do. Gets you out of the house.

David:There are other ways to get out of the house that don't involve killing things.

Stevie:Like what?

David:I don't know, literally anything else. Although, I suppose it's no stranger than the bizarre tradition of drunk Carole King performances that seem to happen every time we go to the cottage.

David:You look like a Victorian ghost that died of disappointment.

David:I'm traumatized from hunting.

David:At least when you kill a turkey, it's over quickly. With Moira's appearance, the suffering is prolonged.