Wine And Roses

Johnny:Hello? Yes, hello, this is Johnny Rose.

Johnny:Yes, I'm here regarding the wine distribution agreement.

Johnny:I'm sorry, you're breaking up. Can you hear me?

Johnny:No, no, the connection is terrible. Hold on.

Johnny:Hello? Hello? I think we've lost them.

Johnny:I need you to transfer this call. It's very important.

Stevie:Okay, hold on. I'll just... put you on hold and then...

Moira:No, no, no, you have to press the blinking light first!

Stevie:Which one is blinking?

Johnny:They're all blinking! They're all blinking!

Moira:Well now you've pressed too many! You've killed the whole system!

Stevie:It's just a phone.

Johnny:It is NOT just a phone, Stevie! This is a multi-line telecommunications device!

Moira:I once managed the switchboard at a four-star resort in Sochi. This should be simple.

Stevie:Did you?

Moira:No. But I watched someone do it once from very far away.

Alexis:Hi, yes, hello? I'm sorry, I think you have the wrong number.

Alexis:No, there's no one here by that name. You've definitely reached the wrong place.

Johnny:Alexis! Who is that?

Alexis:I don't know, Dad. They're looking for some guy.

David:I think something's seriously wrong with me. I have a sharp pain in my side, my throat feels tight, and I'm fairly certain my heart is about to give out.

David:I'm calling 911. This is it. This is how it ends.

David:Wait. I just realized I'm fine. I think I just needed to eat something.

Alexis:I don't know, I've never been sick before.

David:I can't find my pulse. I think something's wrong with me.

Alexis:Oh my God, I can never find mine either.

David:What?

Alexis:Yeah, so you're fine.

David:I have a very long list of health concerns, and I've decided to address them all at once.

Alexis:Oh my god, I have health concerns too! I think I might be gluten intolerant.

David:Alexis, I'm in the middle of a health crisis.

Alexis:I know, but this is serious. I had a piece of bread yesterday and I felt a little bloated.

Alexis:You're not having a heart attack. You're like, what, 40?

David:I'm 38.

Alexis:Right, so you're fine.

David:Well, I'm experiencing chest pains, so I think I should go to the hospital.

Alexis:It's probably just anxiety.

David:I'm having a heart attack, Alexis!

David:I could be in the hospitel right now, Alexis. The hospitel. Where they don't know if you're going to make it or if you're just going to get better and go home.

Alexis:That's just a hospital.

David:No, it's a hospitel.

Moira:There's a bug in my wine!

Herb:Oh, that's one of the good ones.

Moira:This is... a beverage. Of sorts. It tastes like someone filtered a fruit salad through a gym sock and then aged it in a portapotty. I'm getting notes of desperation, a hint of regret, and a lingering aftertaste of poor life choices. Not mine, obviously. Someone else's. Many someones, actually. This wine doesn't have a bouquet—it has a full aromatherapy crisis. I've tasted paint thinner with more complexity and charm. The only thing this pairs well with is the existential dread of knowing I voluntarily put this in my mouth.

Moira:Well, actually, it's quite lovely. There are notes of elderberry and a hint of oak.

David:I'm fine. I just looked it up online, and apparently I have six months to live.

David:So what you're telling me is that if I were to get sick, my only option would be to either drive an hour to the nearest hospital, or just... die?

Ted:Well, the nearest hospital is about forty-five minutes away, so if you are having a heart attack, you're basically done for.

Ted:I'm joking. You're fine.

Ted:David, I'm not going to sugarcoat this. You're going to die.

David:What?

Ted:I'm kidding. You're fine.

Ted:Have you ever done any drugs?

David:Have I ever... done any drugs? Ted, I grew up in a penthouse.

David:So what you're saying is that I'm having a panic attack because my brain is broken?

Ted:No, no, your brain isn't broken. It's just reacting to stress.

David:Well, that's very comforting, Ted. In Hollywood, we just call that 'being sensitive' and charge people $500 an hour to listen to us talk about it.

David:Well, Ted, where do I even begin? I went from having a walk-in closet the size of most people's homes to sharing a room with my brother. I used to have a sommelier. Now I have a gas station attendant recommending wine pairings. My therapist was on speed dial. Now my therapist is a local real estate agent who gives unsolicited life advice while showing me affordable housing options I cannot afford.

David:So yes, Ted, I would say the transition has been... stressful.

David:I was in a very dark place. I lost everything. My family's company collapsed, we lost all our money, and I had to start my life completely over from scratch.

Ted:Oh wow. Did you try Folgers?

Johnny:Look, I may have said it was liquid stink, but that doesn't mean it doesn't have its merits.

Moira:What merits?

Johnny:Well, it's... it's certainly a liquid.

Johnny:What is this? 'Notes of elderberry with a hint of—' this isn't real! These aren't real words! You can't just make up wine terminology and expect people to believe it!

Johnny:Herb, you're a moron.

Moira:Yes, well, he may be a moron, but he's OUR moron. And he believed in us when no one else would.

Moira:The bag is so cheap it's genuinely repulsive to touch

Johnny:Why won't this just... fold?

Johnny:It's a bag. How is this so difficult?

Moira:Johnny, you're doing it wrong.

Johnny:I'm not doing it wrong, the bag is doing it wrong!

Twyla:Why are you wearing a ball gown to help us move boxes?

Alexis:Well, when Beyoncé did Coachella, she wore couture. So...

Twyla:Why are you dressed like that to clean the toilets?

Alexis:I'm taking fashion inspiration from Bella Hadid at the airport. You know, casual but make it fashion.

Twyla:Bella Hadid was going somewhere nice though.

Alexis:Exactly. And I'm going somewhere nice too. The sewage system.

Alexis:I mean, you have to understand that fashion is about creating a narrative. It's about telling a story with your clothes.

Twyla:I just... I wear what fits.

Alexis:Right, but *how* it fits is the whole point. Like, this dress is very Carolyn Bessette-Kennedy meets early Gwyneth.

Twyla:Who's Carolyn... Bessette?

Patrick:Well, when you have a very small wardrobe, you have very high expectations for each piece.

Patrick:I've been really focused on achieving that rock-beaten freshness in my laundry.

David:Rock-beaten freshness? What does that even mean?

Patrick:Well, I literally beat the laundry against rocks. It's a traditional cleaning method.

David:Patrick, no. We have a washing machine.

Johnny:Well, I think we need to really focus on the blocking here. The camera needs to find its motivation.

Director:The camera doesn't have motivation.

Johnny:Well, everything has motivation. That's filmmaking 101. And I think we should do another take, but this time, let's really lean into the subtext of the cereal.

David:I'm not having a panic attack, I'm just experiencing a heightened sense of awareness.

Alexis:Oh, well then I'm not being selfish, I'm just prioritizing my needs.

David:I need you to skip yoga tomorrow.

Alexis:David, I can't skip yoga. I have a standing appointment.

David:Well, I have a standing appointment with my therapist, and I'm going to cancel it.

Alexis:Okay, so cancel it.

David:I can't cancel it. I'm going to need you to cancel your yoga so that I don't have to cancel my therapy.

Alexis:That makes no sense.

David:It makes perfect sense. We have a system. Remember when I skipped my birthday party so you could go to that thing?

Alexis:You skipped your own birthday party?

David:Yes! And now it's your turn to be selfless.

Johnny:I'm here to help with your commercial.

Moira:That's very sweet, but I have a whole team.

Johnny:I know production. I can offer valuable insights.

Director:And you are?

Johnny:Her husband. I think the lighting is all wrong.

Director:We've been doing this for twenty years.

Johnny:Well, clearly it shows.

Moira:John, perhaps you could wait in the car.

Johnny:The blocking is atrocious. She should enter from stage left.

Director:Sir, I'm going to have to ask you to leave the set.

Johnny:You're making a mistake.

Moira:He's banned now, isn't he?

Director:Permanently.

David:Absolutely not.

Alexis:No way.

David:I'm not doing partner yoga with you.

Alexis:Trust me, the feeling is mutual.

David:We can barely stand being in the same room.

Alexis:I would rather do literally anything else.

Jocelyn:Roland couldn't make it today. He's been having some... digestive issues. But you know, it's fine. He'll be back next week.

Jocelyn:Well, Roland's been having some digestive issues lately, so he won't be joining us for partner yoga.

Jocelyn:Honestly, I think everyone's a bit relieved.

Ted:So David came in for his appointment today.

Mutt:Oh yeah? How'd it go?

Ted:Well, let's just say a very tall, very well-dressed man with impeccable hair came in complaining about a rash.

Mutt:That's David.

Ted:By tomorrow, everyone in town will know.

Moira:I'm not just a woman, I'm a woman who enjoys a nice Pinot Grigio.

Moira:I'm not just a woman, I'm a woman who enjoys a nice Pinot Grigiot.

Moira:I'm not just a woman, I'm a woman who enjoys a nice Pinto Gregario.

Moira:I'm not just a woman, I'm a woman who enjoys a nice Pinto Gringio.

Moira:I'm not coming out!

Johnny:Moira, open the door.

Moira:I said I'm not coming out! I'm a failure! I'm a washed-up has-been!

David:Mom, you were never 'up' enough to be washed.

David:I've been having trouble sleeping. I think it's anxiety.

Jocelyn:You know what you need? A good orgasm. That'll help you sleep.

David:I... that's not really... I mean, I appreciate the suggestion, but—

Jocelyn:Trust me. My husband and I, we do it all the time. Really helps us relax.

Mutt:Okay, so we're going to move into the partner pose now. Just relax and let your body guide you.

Alexis:Oh my God! Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God!

Mutt:You okay?

Alexis:Yes, I'm fine. I'm just... very aware of where your hands are right now.

Johnny:How did you open the door?

Moira:I used my key.

Johnny:Your key is in your purse.

Moira:Well, I used the key from my purse.

Johnny:Your purse is on the table.

Moira:Then I suppose I kicked it open.

Moira:You know what? I don't think my tongue has ever actually touched the roof of my mouth. I think it just hovers there. Like a little pink cloud.

Moira:And if it DID touch, I think I would explode. Into a million pieces. So really, I'm doing everyone a favor by keeping my tongue exactly where it is.

Johnny:You remember when you did that commercial for the mall? You were brilliant in that.

Moira:That was a local spot, Johnny.

Johnny:Exactly. And you nailed it. You can do this too.

Johnny:I was there for all of it. Every take. Every retake. I remember because I had to have a drink after each one.

Moira:After each take?

Johnny:Well, and during some of them.

Johnny:You know, I was thinking about your work on 'The Crows Have Eyes 3', and I realized something. The way you inhabited that role, the commitment you brought to a film where you were primarily reacting to animatronic birds—that's not just acting. That's art. That's the kind of nuanced, layered performance that makes one reconsider the entire medium of daytime television as we know it.

Yoga Instructor:Where do you feel the most tension in your body?

David:My shoulders, mostly. And also I'm deeply afraid that I'm not good enough and that everyone secretly hates me.

Jocelyn:My lower back. And I think my husband might be having an affair.

Moira:I'm Moira Rose, and I'm here to tell you about Herb Ertlinger's Fruit Wines.

Moira:I'm Moira... Roooose. Moira Rose-uh. Moy-RAH. Mo-EE-rah. Mwah-RAH.

Moira:Moira... Moira... Moira Rose. Rose Moira. Rose... Moira Rose Rose.

Moira:Herb Ertlinger's... Herbie... Herb... Ernie Ertlinger's... Herb Hertlinger's Fruit Wine.