The Cabin

David:Oh my God!

Johnny:David! Knock!

Moira:We're indisposed!

David:What did I see? I saw the end of civilization. I saw people I know engaging in behavior that can only be described as... primal. Someone was eating directly from a serving bowl with their hands. With their *hands*. There was no plate involved. No utensil. Just... fingers and dip. It was like watching society collapse in real time.

Johnny:I'm an adult. I have needs. I have a right to my privacy and my dignity.

David:Dad, no one's denying you that.

Johnny:Well, then why do I feel like I'm sneaking around like some sort of teenager?

David:Because you are sneaking around. You closed the blinds and locked the door at 2 PM on a Tuesday.

Johnny:Exactly! Because I'm embarrassed! And I wouldn't be embarrassed if you people weren't making me feel ashamed of being a sexual being.

David:We're not making you feel ashamed. You're making us feel uncomfortable by doing it while we're eating lunch downstairs.

Johnny:Well, if you weren't judging me, I wouldn't feel the need to hide it, and if I didn't feel the need to hide it, you wouldn't know about it, and then you wouldn't be uncomfortable!

David:The specific judgment about timing and position

Johnny:Roland, I need you to fix the door. I'd like some privacy.

Roland:Privacy? You want me to put a lock on that thing so nobody can get in? Well, that's gonna cost you extra, buddy. And let me tell you, I've seen some things in this town that would make your hair curl. Just last week, I caught Herb trying to—well, never mind. Point is, privacy ain't cheap. But I got just the thing for ya. I'll put in a lock so tight, even you won't be able to get out. Ha!

Roland:You know, it's like sailing. You gotta know when to drop your anchor, when to hoist your sails, when to let the wind... fill your... canvas.

Johnny:Well, I think we've covered everything there is to know about—

Roland:So what's your favorite position?

Jocelyn:How is Johnny doing?

Roland:Oh, he's doing okay. He's been having some stomach issues. I think it's from the stress. He's been very constipated. I gave him some of my fiber supplement, but nothing's really moved yet, if you know what I mean.

Jocelyn:Oh, and we have some extra items in the bedroom closet if you need them. There are a few massage wands, a rabbit, and some other things that are really just for relaxation.

Jocelyn:You know, the key is to make sure you have a safe word. Something you'll remember, but something he won't expect. I use 'pineapple.'

Moira:We need to take the cabin. Do you know what happens when couples don't have their own space? They start to resent each other. First, it's small things—he leaves his socks on the floor, she rearranges his sock drawer out of spite. Then it escalates: separate bathrooms, separate bedrooms, separate houses, separate continents, and before you know it, you're dividing up the children like they're assets in a hostile takeover, and honestly, at that point, you might as well just go ahead and split the atoms.

David:I'm sorry, I didn't realize you were—

Moira:David! Must you always be watching us? It's voyeurism!

Johnny:We have some very important news.

Moira:Yes, we do.

David:Oh my God, you're getting divorced.

Johnny:What? No.

David:You're both dying.

Moira:No, David.

David:Oh, thank God. Because if you were both dying, I would kill myself.

Alexis · Moira:'Didn't you once take the wrong baby home from preschool?' / 'Alexis looked Chinese as an infant.'

Moira:I was wearing my reading glasses. The babies all look the same when you're not wearing your reading glasses.

Johnny:Roland, I just need to get to the store. Can you give me simple directions?

Roland:Oh sure, bud. So you're gonna go down Main Street, but not all the way down Main Street, you're gonna hang a left at the old Kabin, you know, before it got all fancy, then you're gonna see a tree, or maybe it was there last week, could've been cut down, but if it's there, you're gonna go right, and if it's not there, you're still gonna go right, because that's where the store is, but sometimes it moves around depending on inventory, so you might wanna call ahead.

David:I kept my apartment immaculate.

Alexis:You had a housekeeper come twice a week.

David:Yes, and I kept it clean between visits.

David:Well, if I don't clean what's already clean, how will I know it's still clean?

David:I'm looking forward to space. It's the only place where I won't have to share a bed with Patrick.

Patrick:We share a bed?

David:Every night. You steal all the covers and you hog the pillow.

David:I'm going to treat myself to a facial mask tonight. I need to decompress.

Moira:That's wonderful, darling. Which one are you using?

David:The one I ordered from that spa in Switzerland. It's supposed to be incredibly restorative.

Moira:How long do you leave it on?

David:Forty-five minutes.

Moira:And how will you answer the door if a client calls?

David:...I'll reschedule them.

Moira:With what excuse? 'I'm sorry, I can't meet with you, I'm wearing a mud mask'?

David:Yes. Actually, that's exactly what I would say.

Moira:Well, there's your relaxation ruined.

Alexis:Well, if you're not going to let me throw a party, then I'm going to make this room so disgusting that you'll have no choice but to let me move out.

David:How is that going to work?

Alexis:I'm going to start eating crackers in bed.

Alexis:I just miss having people around me who actually cared about what I had to say, you know? People who valued my opinions and my thoughts.

Alexis:But honestly? I also kind of miss the shallow relationships where nobody actually knew me well enough to judge me for my mistakes.

David:No more than eight people. It's a Friendsgiving, not a Friendsgivings.

David:And everyone has to be gone by 9 PM. I can't have people 'round-abouting' in my living room at all hours.

Johnny:Yes, yes, I've got it. Left at the intersection, then straight for about two miles.

Johnny:No, no, I'm perfectly fine. I don't need to stop and ask for directions.

Johnny:I know exactly where I'm going.

Johnny:Well, this should be it.

Johnny:This is... this is not it.

Johnny:Roland said left at the intersection. This is clearly not the intersection.

Johnny:I'm going back. I'm going back to find the intersection.

Johnny:Where is the intersection? There's no intersection here!

Johnny:I am never taking directions from Roland Schitt again. Never.

Johnny:Roland said the key would be under the mat. It's not under the mat. It's not under the planter. It's not under the rock shaped like a sleeping dog, which, by the way, is just a regular rock. Where is this key?

Johnny:I have been standing in the rain for fifteen minutes looking for a key that apparently doesn't exist, which is very on-brand for this town and very on-brand for Roland.

Johnny:So now I'm wet, I'm frustrated, and I have a social disease from touching that rock.

Johnny:Well, here we are. Our cabin.

Moira:It's... quaint.

TV Voice:Oh yes, that's it. Right there. Oh my God, yes!

Johnny:What is that?

Moira:I believe the previous tenants left their... entertainment on.

TV Voice:You like that, don't you? You dirty girl!

David:I want to invite smart, funny people. People who are engaging and culturally aware.

Stevie:Well, that eliminates basically everyone in this town.

Stevie:Eric seems qualified.

David:Eric? No. Absolutely not.

David:Looks matter for games night.

Stevie:Oh, well then we should probably just make it official and start ranking people by their appearance at the door.

Stevie:You should enter a pageant.

David:A pageant? I... that's actually not the worst idea you've ever had.

David:Well, I mean, she's not... she's very talented, but she's not really the caliber of guest that we're looking for.

Stevie:What caliber is that?

David:Well, you know, someone who's... accomplished. Refined. Someone with a certain... je ne sais quoi.

Stevie:Sarah has all of those things.

David:Yes, but not in the way that I need.

David:Games need to run a certain way. There are rules.

Stevie:Oh wow, David Rose needs things to be a certain way? That's so surprising. I had no idea you were controlling.

Moira:This place looks like a domestic terrorist's hideout... if the terrorist had given up and decided to just live here.

Moira:Oh my God, Roland! Is that you with another man? I had no idea you were so... progressive.

Roland:What? No, that's my brother!

Moira:Oh. Well, that's even more progressive.

Johnny:That's not a photo of us together.

Moira:Well, it should be. You're always together.

Johnny:That's... that's not how photos work.

Moira:Well, in gay relationships, you're supposed to be joined at the hip. I assumed you'd also be joined at the camera.

Johnny:Well, they look happy because they don't know what's about to happen to them. Ignorance is bliss.

David:How do you know Stevie?

Eric:Oh, we met in high school.

David:High school? Stevie went to high school here?

Eric:Yeah, I was a senior when she was a freshman.

David:You were a senior when she was a freshman? So you're like... significantly older than her.

Eric:I mean, not that significantly.

David:Eric, that's deeply inappropriate.

Twyla:I brought pie from the cafe. It's, uh, it's blueberry. Or at least that's what they told me.

Twyla:Though, honestly, I'm not entirely sure what went into it. One of the new guys was making the filling, and I didn't want to ask too many questions.

David:Okay, so the rules are simple. You have to think of a number between one and a hundred, and I have to guess it.

Eric:Oh! I thought you meant I had to think of a number and then you would guess what I was thinking before I thought of it.

David:That's not... that's not how that works.

Eric:Well, that would be impressive.

David:So you still don't understand the rules?

Eric:I'm just trying to figure out where everyone puts their balls.

Alexis:Oh my god, they're here.

David:Who is 'they'? And why do they seem intent on ruining my evening?

Alexis:Just... be nice. They're not that bad.

David:Alexis, I have formed a very strong opinion about these people, and I have formed it quickly.

David:Games night is a structured event with specific rules and etiquette.

Dane:Oh, I brought some party supplies to make it fun.

David:Party supplies? This isn't a party, it's games night.

Dane:Yeah, I know. I brought streamers and a disco ball.

David:Oh my god, what happened to you?

Eric:I fell down the stairs at the store.

David:Are you okay? Do you need to go to the hospital?

Eric:No, I'm fine! It's just a little bump. Nothing to worry about!

Johnny:Roland assured me we were going the right way. He said 'You can't miss it.'

Bob:Well, we've been driving for three hours. I'm pretty sure we missed it.

Johnny:He was very confident about his directions.

Bob:Johnny, we're in a completely different county. We're not even in the right province anymore.

David:Alexis, you can't just act out the entire movie! There are rules.

Alexis:Oh my god, David, it's just charades.

David:Just charades? JUST charades? There are very specific guidelines that exist for a reason. You're supposed to use gestures and pantomime, not dialogue.

Alexis:Well, I was doing an accent.

David:An accent is not a gesture, Alexis.

Alexis:We could play a drinking game where we take a shot every time David does that thing with his face.

David:What thing with my face?

Alexis:That stressed out thing. Like this—

Alexis:You'd be drunk in like five seconds.

Alexis:I mean, boring is literally like death. It's the same thing. You're just sitting there, existing, and nothing is happening, and you're dying inside. So really, I'm protecting everyone by throwing a party.

Moira:Well, we could always play a drinking game based on David's stress levels.

David:That's not a game, that's a cry for help.

Alexis:No, no, no. Every time David gets anxious, we take a shot.

Johnny:We'd all be dead by dinner.

Bob:The door is locked because I locked it.

Bob:I was trying to have a private moment.

Stevie:David, you have to come back. The motel is falling apart without you. I'm serious. I found a family of raccoons living in the ice machine, and I named them after your family members because I was so lonely.

Stevie:Also, I've been competing with the Holiday Inn down the road, and if I don't beat them by next quarter, I'm going to have to eat a tire.

Stevie:I need your help with something.

David:Of course. What is it?

Stevie:I'm competing in this thing and I need to win. I can't lose.

David:Okay, well you've come to the right person because I also cannot lose at anything. It's a compulsion.

Stevie:Yeah, I know.

David:So we're perfect for each other then.

Johnny:Well, well, well... looks like someone's got a leaky pipe.

Johnny as Eddie:'Well, maybe I'll use a bigger screw, Mrs. Rose.'