Bad Parents

Johnny:David, we need to talk face to face.

David:We live in a room the size of a walk-in closet. I can literally smell what you had for breakfast. I don't think 'face to face' is going to change the dynamic here.

David:Well, if my clothes are taking up too much space, perhaps you should consider wearing them.

Johnny:I'm not wearing your clothes, David.

David:Then I suppose you'll have to move out.

Alexis:Do I have to put my middle name?

Moira:Yes, Alexis, it's a legal document.

Alexis:But like, do they really need to know that it's Rose?

Moira:Your middle name is Rose. That's perfectly lovely.

Alexis:I know, but it makes me sound like I'm a person.

Moira:I know your middle name.

Alexis:Oh really? What is it?

Moira:Well, I... it's on the tip of my tongue.

Alexis:Yeah, that's what I thought.

Moira:Your middle name is... Rose?

David:Wait, wait, wait. What are we talking about? Middle names? Why are we discussing middle names?

David:Oh God. Oh God, no. Do I have a middle name?

David:I don't know my middle name. Why don't I know my middle name?

David:Mom! MOM! What is my middle name?

Johnny:Oh, there you are! I've been calling for you.

David:Yes, I heard you.

Johnny:And yet you took your time.

Johnny:We've been wonderful parents. We let them make their own choices, we respected their independence, we never imposed our values on them...

Johnny:We gave them space to grow, we trusted them implicitly, and we were always available if they needed us—which they never did, because we made it very clear we were busy.

Alexis:So I got pulled over, and the officer asked me to step out of the car. And I was like, 'Do you know who I am?' And he was like, 'No.' So I told him. Twice. And then I asked him if he wanted to be in my music video because I was working on one at the time.

Alexis:And then he asked me to walk in a straight line, and I said, 'I don't do cardio.' So he did a breathalyzer test instead, and I blew a 0.15.

Alexis:But here's the thing—I had just come from a wine and chakra alignment session, so technically I was spiritually sober. And my lawyer says that doesn't hold up in court, but I really think it should.

Ronnie:You know what? Fine. Don't wear the vest. But when you're standing on the side of the road looking like you're about to either get married or do time, don't come crying to me.

Stevie:Why would you buy clothes that are dry-clean only?

David:Because they're beautiful, Stevie. And if you throw them in the wash, the cashmere will shrink and cry itself to death.

David:This sweater is a crime against both fashion and basic textile science. The fibers are so poorly constructed, I'm fairly certain they're being held together by nothing more than desperation and a complete lack of self-awareness.

David:Funky? These are not funky. Funky would be if I wore something with a visible stain, or paired a winter white with an off-white—which, frankly, would be a cry for help. Funky would be if I left my shirt untucked, or worse, wore it backwards. That would be funky. This is curated. This is intentional. This is a aesthetic choice made by someone with taste and restraint.

Alexis:So you live in a barn?

Mutt:It's a converted barn.

Alexis:Right, and I'm a converted farm animal.

David:I got this at Burberry for $800.

Stevie:I got mine at a gas station for $12.

David:Well, that explains a lot.

Stevie:What? It's a perfectly good shirt!

David:Stevie, it still has a Slim Jim price tag on it.

Stevie:Why is this so expensive?

David:Because it's good.

Twyla:Oh, my parents and I get along great. We're very close. My dad's in prison, my mom's in a cult, and my sister's a serial killer, but we text all the time.

Moira:I think it's important that I'm honest with you about something. Your father and I, we were not always the most... present parents. We were often preoccupied with our own pursuits, our social calendar, our various business ventures. And if I'm being completely truthful, there were times when I simply forgot you existed.

Moira:But I think that's actually made you stronger. More independent. You had to raise yourself, really, and look how you turned out! Well, I mean, you could be doing better, but given the circumstances, it's quite impressive.

Johnny:It's simple. You roll the dice, and then you move your piece around the board based on the number you rolled.

David:Dad, that's Monopoly. We're playing Candyland.

Johnny:Well, same concept.

Moira:Darling, in Candyland there are no dice. You draw cards from a gumdrop-laden deck.

Alexis:And you don't move your piece, you just... go to the place on the card? It's literally a child's game, Dad.

Johnny:So you draw cards instead of rolling dice?

David:Yes.

Johnny:And the board is made of candy?

Moira:Candy, yes. Licorice trees, lollipop forests—

Johnny:That doesn't make any sense.

Alexis:It's a game for children, Dad.

Johnny:I understand it's for children. I just don't understand how you win if the board is edible.

David:No, no, no. You have to pick two truths and one lie.

David:I went to Yale. I have a trust fund. And I'm drunk right now.

Patrick:Okay, so which one is the lie?

David:The drunk part.

Patrick:Really?

David:No.

Alexis:Um... okay. My eyes are brown, I am basically sample-sized, and one time I escaped from a Thai drug lord's car trunk by bribing him with sex.

Alexis:It was a joke! I was just joking about the drug lord thing.

Alexis:What I meant was, he wasn't a drug lord, he was more of a... drug... distributor.

Alexis:He's not a drug lord, he's just someone who sells drugs. There's a difference. And honestly, he only got into it because his dad was really into it, so it was kind of a family business thing.

Alexis:He's just so... earthy. Like, he doesn't care about hygiene or fashion or any of the things that normal people care about.

David:Right, well, I mean, some people find that attractive.

Alexis:Yeah, but he's like, actually dirty. Like, he has dirt under his fingernails and he smells like soil and... he just doesn't shower.

David:Okay, but that doesn't mean—

Alexis:And you know what? I'm realizing that's actually my type.

David:I'm sorry, what?

Twyla:Wait, so your daughter was kidnapped by a drug lord? That's just like Taken, except Liam Neeson wasn't there.

Moira:Well, have you tried sleeping on your stomach?

Moira:Jocelyn, would you like to join us for a bite?

Jocelyn:Oh, I'd love to, but I'm not really in the mood to put anything in my mouth right now.

Wayne:I'm trying to find the right word for what you're wearing...

David:Tasteful?

Wayne:No...

David:Sophisticated?

Wayne:No...

David:Well, it's 'flamboyant,' isn't it?

David:Well, if no one in this family can appreciate a quality sneaker, then I don't know what I'm doing here.

David:I'm going to my room.

Alexis:You know, Mutt, you're like, really attractive, but you're also kind of... homeless-y?

Alexis:Like, I'm not saying that's a bad thing, it's just very... homeless-y.

Alexis:You're hot, but homeless-y hot, you know?

Alexis:I know exactly what you're going through. I once dated a guy who was really into role-playing, and let me tell you, the costumes were insane. I mean, I've been in a lot of situations—some of them in public, some of them in cars, some of them in places where I probably shouldn't have been—but the point is, I understand complicated relationships.

Roland:Jocelyn, we need to talk about what's been going on.

Jocelyn:I know. I've been thinking about it too. It's been weighing on me.

Roland:We can't keep doing this. Someone's going to find out.

Jocelyn:I know it's wrong, but I can't help myself. I love him so much.

Roland:So do I. He's our son.

Roland:You know, I've been thinking about us. About what we have.

Jocelyn:Oh Roland, I've been thinking about it too.

Roland:He's really grown into quite the man, hasn't he?

Jocelyn:He really has. I'm so proud of him.

Roland:The way he handles himself, the decisions he makes...

Jocelyn:I know. And he's so thoughtful now.

Roland:Our son is really something special.

Roland:So what, he just doesn't use condoms? That's not an environmental choice, that's just irresponsible.

Roland:You know, Mutt's always going on about being eco-friendly and not using plastic. I said to him, 'Son, the only thing you should be worried about not using is a condom.'

David:I created an account under the username 'VintageRoseGoldDealerExtraordaire,' and apparently that's not a legitimate business name.

David:The platform flagged it as "suspicious activity."

David:These are all natural fibers, hand-stitched by artisans who've devoted their lives to the craft.

Wayne:That's nice.

David:You wouldn't understand. You're probably high right now.

Alexis:So you've been sneaking around, meeting up with someone in secret?

Mutt:It's not like that, Alexis.

Alexis:You're always disappearing, going off to be alone with this person. What am I supposed to think?

Mutt:It's just my dad. We're working on the cabin.

Alexis:Oh my god.

Alexis:Oh yeah, totally in sync. We all agree that I'm a disappointment, we all agree that I have no skills, we all agree that my career choices were terrible. It's like we're a family that way.

Stevie:I have a proposition for you. Something that requires a lot of... commitment. You'd have to come over to my place, clear out some space, and really... go deep.

Stevie:I'm talking about organizing my closet.

David:I thought the motel was doing well. We had guests last weekend.

Stevie:Yeah, well, those guests were either running from the law or running towards a very bad life decision. One guy paid in cash and asked if we had a 'no questions asked' policy. Another woman spent three hours in the parking lot just sitting in her car.

Johnny:My middle name is... Bernard?

Moira:No.

Johnny:Kenneth?

David:Dad, those are terrible guesses.

Johnny:Well, I'm running out of ideas here!

Alexis:Maybe it's just something you blocked out?

Johnny:Is it... Reginald?

Moira:Absolutely not.

Johnny:Why won't anyone just tell me?

Johnny:Is it... Margaret?

Alexis:No.

Johnny:Is it... Beatrice?

Alexis:No.

Johnny:Is it... I'm going to need you to tell me, because I am running out of names from your mother's bridge club.