Bad Parents

Motels this size we're basically always face to face. In the same room.

Well, put them over the t-shirts then.

Um... all that's missing is my middle name. / Then fill it in please. / Do I have to do that?

Do you not know my middle name? / Of course I do. I blessed you with it. / Okay, so um... then what name should I put down then?

Alexis... something rose.

Wait. Alexis has a middle name? Why is this the first time hearing of this? Do... do I have a middle name?

Now you come into the room.

We sent them to the best boarding schools, we hired the best nannies... We did everything right.

Um... I drove into the Prada Store on Rodeo Drive. In fairness, it did look a lot like, um, the entrance to a parking garage. And I was high at the time.

This isn't say yes to the dress, princess. Orange is the new orange.

You try putting a cashmere sweater in the washing machine. It'll bite your wrist.

It's one chromosome away from a crocheted blanket.

Yeah, funky is a neon t-shirt you buy at an airport gift shop, next to a bejeweled iPhone case. This... this... is luxury.

Speaking of unfit homes, why do you live in a barn? / What's wrong with living in a barn? / Mm... nothing, if you're a goat.

I got these at a showroom in Paris. / I got these on clearance rack at Target. / $850. / 850 what? / Eight hundred- / Dollars?! / $850 dollars.

My car's worth less than your pants. / Well, I've seen your car and that makes sense to me.

My mom has this thing where half the time she thinks I'm her cousin Angela. And it's getting harder and harder to coordinate visitation times with my dad in prison.

Sadly, and most of the time, we have no interest in what's going on with you.

No, Johnny, they had to guess which one was the truth. / Mm... which one was the lie. / It's just-it's just one lie. / You said two lies. / No, it's- / No, the game is 'two truths and a lie.' / It's truth. / That's the game. / Well, yeah, because babies play that at their birthday parties.

Um, I'm miserable, drunk, and hate this game. So... here's a hint... Sadly, I'm not drunk.

Um... okay. My eyes are brown, I am basically sample-sized, and one time I escaped from a Thai drug lord's car trunk by bribing him with sex.

I clearly would never bribe anybody with sex.

Everyone can just calm down because Aroon was a lovely gentleman until he ran out of money.

Mm-hmm. Guys like that will bone anything. / Well, not anything. / Stop. / 'Cause that would mean... / Stop. Stop. / That would include... / Stop it. / You. Which it doesn't. / Don't. / Ew.

Oh, that is my favourite Liam Neeson movie.

Perhaps a new position would help?

Couldn't put another thing in my mouth.

It's too, you know... / Funky? / Sure. Let's go with that.

This is French suede, with a vulcanized-rubber instep, okay? You've lost my trust and my business, so...

Look, I know you probably think that you're this handsome man around town who's like... Handsome, mysterious... And handsome and homeless-y

I have been in the middle of some very messy group scenarios

It's our son, Mutt. We're talking about our son.

It's our son, Mutt. We're talking about our son.

Good luck with birth control, right?

Good luck with birth control, right?

Well, I just 'sold' a pair of sunglasses on here and now dieforfash87 is telling me she won't pay 'cause she thinks they're fake.

Wayne huffs keyboard cleaner for a living.

So why are you sneaking around with your mom anyway?

Um... yeah, because they always wanted a daughter with a record, who dropped out of college, so... Pretty much delivered on that one.

So I thought you might be lonely without your clothes. So if this isn't too dirty for you, I could help take care of your stuff.

Wait, you wanna have sex with me? / No. I don't think anybody has sex in here unless they're being paid for it.

Emma. Your middle name is 'Emma.' / Is it? / I'm sorry! No, Hannah. / I'm embarrassed for you. / Elspeth. / No! / I think it's Elspeth. / It isn't! / I should know! / Wow.

I'm sorry! No, Hannah... I think it's Elspeth.