B/ill

Go get yourself 10 sodas and you never saw us. Or just water. Just choose water.

I don't even paint my own nails, Gary. A Vietnamese lady does that.

I am very good at my job, and even I can't get people to vote for that heap of mystery meat.

She has gone full Colonel Kurtz.

Is she giving orders from under the desk?

Loyalty? Money. Can't you just do this for Selina? No.

Nobody shakes hands in a craft shop.

You know, at least three of these kids are probably mine.

No, no, let me get that, you sweet little invalid.

God, Gary, I wish to Jesus that you had gotten this flu instead of me. Oh, my God, me, too. Me, too.

And that is a Gary Walsh executive order.

211 are voting against the bill. Five undecided. And we've got three yeses that we're working on turning around into nos. So defeat is within our grasp.

There's also a cool tile game on here if you want to play a game. A what? A tile? Which, of course, you don't want to play.

What I don't know, I can't lie about. Including this, whatever this is.

We're asking people to vote yes. We're doing what we should be doing. We're just doing it badly.

I think I just sneezed up part of my pancreas.

Don't worry, Mike. We have a team of our worst people on this. Cazzelli, Lennox. The usual saps. Jonah, Richard.

I didn't hear any of this because the acoustics are so bad.

How did they write this thing? Get drunk and tape crayons to their feet?

Two giant children in their dads' suits.

We've glanced at the numbers, sir, and at first glance they are very compelling.

You don't know where the door is. I'll show you. It's over here.

So if I can offer any web design or support... Sir, can I ask you how you're going to vote today? No. Is that no as in I can't ask you or no as in...

You know, you just started that last sentence with a 'we' and you finished it with a 'you.'

There is nothing like a Boston wedding. Let me tell you that. Wow, that was worryingly good, Tom. I mean, that was some black belt jujitsu bullshit right there.

When was yours sent? When was yours sent? I asked you first.

Yeah, ahem, or maybe I can get a new doctor. In which case I'll just say keep taking the fluids, ma'am.

I feel like I'm captain of the Titanic and I carved out the iceberg myself.

I can sleep when I'm dead in about an hour.

Not since Herod has there been a piece of legislation so damaging to average families.

This is akin to carrying out heart surgery with a pair of spoons.

I don't need to be ridden by you two lobby horses to know that this bill is a waste of bowel space.

And spoiler alert, they do not add up.

Six-foot waxwork and his cuddly boyfriend?

Call the 'Washington Post.' I smell conspiracy.

Okay, sure, so why is this one shaking like Elvis's leg?

The president is qualified to be president because she is president. Does your party have a candidate who is president?

Oh, no, I was just sending a memo. I didn't want to keep interrupting all the time. That is very considerate. Thank you.

Send memo. Jesus. I'm not getting any memos. Oh, now I am.

And you've got to be aggressive, though, you know? Man up here a little bit. Be aggressive? I'm starting to get really angry, Senator.

That's it. I'm throwing the debate. You win, pretend opponent.

Oh, one. So one's okay. We just let off one nuke at the Super Bowl.

I didn't hear any of this 'cause I have a really bad case of tinnitus, especially when discussing morally dubious things. So it's kind of like sinnitus.

But I'm implicated. I'm the linchpin. I could go to jail!

This isn't about you, Gary. Jesus, nothing here is ever about you.

Listen, Sue, I'm involved with some stuff here. Scary stuff like take it to your grave kind of stuff. And that's the... that's the way I like it.

I'm kind of having fun. I like having a cover story. Makes me feel like a Charlie's Angel.

Jesus, you know, I always thought the old Amy was kind of an uptight bitch, but now I sort of miss her.

What, you mean not funny?

No, mine was the master list. Your list was a sub-list. It was a sur-list, which means over-list.

Your earwax could bring down a president.

And then we're gonna have to destroy the evidence and that's conspiracy to commit fraud. No, a cash trail is very fucking bad for us.

There, you've been blooded. So join the circle jerk. Grab a dick.

Wish I could hear what you were saying over that incessant drilling sound.

But you're not. Oh, my God, now you are! Well done. Now I feel a lot better.

My future depends on that dumb fucking elf?

And your support will shrink faster than a penis in the December Hudson.

You shit-eating cocksuckers.

That's exactly what you just did, dumbass.

She's probably gonna die just to spite me. That evil bitch.

Well, this is a long glass of frozen strawberry fuckup.

I don't want to be a bagman for the toughest guy in D block.

You shouldn't even be here, Jonah, unless you're giving your brain to science.

Do you remember her? She's the woman that would have fired you if you hadn't gone fucking Fukushima.

I am surprised the two of you even found your way out of your own mothers' vaginas. Oh, my God, dude, I got out of there like I had a fucking map.

Do you think I want to be in this fucking Minecraft piece of shit?

You colossal fucking fanny pack.

You're so stupid, you don't even know that you're being used for your stupidity.

I took a precision driving class, Dan. I think I know what I'm doing.

We should have hired Navy SEALs instead of those two actual seals.

How do you lose a whole person? A cuff link I get, but not a person.

You guys are. You're parasites. You're like an infestation of mediocrity.

You're Fozzie Bear who's been ripped up and used to smuggle heroin.

Call NASA. They've got to have a satellite that can pinpoint a moron.

If you want to catch a fugitive, you got to think like a fugitive. Where's he going? Uh, to the airport. Why would he be going to the airport? To catch a plane, Dan.

That's the kind of shit that comes back to bite you when you run for office. Yeah, that's what's gonna hold you back.

Okay, new rule in the Cube. If your name begins with D, you need to shut the fuck up immediately. I'm fine because my name begins with an R.

Not if we shorten it to Dick. Well, I mean...

But she might get better. Or she might not get better. She could be buried with a book.

I feel like I'm about to kick it old school and die in office.

Guess I should kill it. Is the right answer.

You could grow tomatoes in here.

You can't come in. That comes from the president. Well, she's a bitch.

See you later, ghosts of staffers past.

I brought him also, ma'am. Richard Splett. She already knows who you are. You can go. No, no, no. Not you. Not you.

Dallas. I love Dallas, Texas. No, it needs to be a foreign city.

J'adore Paris. I've never been, but it looks amazing.

Okay, the president, she wants me to vote against her bill? Am I being stupid here? Yes. Yes. No. I mean, you're... No, you're not being...

You can have Paris. What? I can have Paris? Wow, thank you.

For a moment, Gary was the most powerful person in the world.

We'll call him after the vote, tell him it's Mogadishu.

He even walks dumb. Every time I see him, I hear circus music.

Come on, Owen. It's your time to shine, you dim fucking bulb.

Apart from, like, having a raccoon take a shit in my head.

Look, I wouldn't ask you to do anything I wouldn't do myself. And while that isn't true, find some comfort in it.

She sounds like an underwater Bob Dylan.

Fuck you, America.

That's why I included the second glossory.

How do you leave a memo in your sleep?