B/ill

Gary:Gary bribes his nephew with a $20 to forget he saw them, then immediately walks it back to 'just water'

Dan:'No, I didn't, Gary. And why the fuck are we here?' — Dan's response to Gary asking if he saw the pictures

Gary · Amy:'Paint something.' / 'I don't even paint my own nails, Gary. A Vietnamese lady does that.'

Amy:'I am very good at my job, and even I can't get people to vote for that heap of mystery meat.'

Amy:'I am so glad I left. She has gone full Colonel Kurtz.'

Dan:'Is she giving orders from under the desk?'

Dan · Gary:'For one reason only.' / 'Loyalty?' / 'Money.'

Gary · Dan:Gary accidentally reveals Ben is involved by reacting to Dan's guess

Dan:'Nobody shakes hands in a craft shop.'

Dan:'You know, at least three of these kids are probably mine.'

Selina · Gary:Selina sick in bed, surrounded by empty tissues, trying to watch election news with flowers blocking the TV

Gary · Selina:'No, no, let me get that, you sweet little invalid.' / 'I'm not an invalid. I'm completely fine.'

Selina · Gary:'God, Gary, I wish to Jesus that you had gotten this flu instead of me.' / 'Oh, my God, me, too. Me, too.'

Gary:'And that is a Gary Walsh executive order.' — Gary asserts authority over a napping POTUS

Ben or Kent:'So defeat is within our grasp.'

Mike:Mike's suggestion to offer Selina a 'cool tile game' on the iPad he's set up for her

Selina:'I think I just sneezed up part of my pancreas.'

Ben:'Don't worry, Mike. We have a team of our worst people on this. Cazzelli, Lennox. The usual saps. Jonah, Richard.'

Mike:'I didn't hear any of this because the acoustics are so bad.' — Mike's immediate adoption of plausible deniability

Selina:'Sue, this is a test memo. Send memo.'

Gary · Selina:Gary produces a footstool and Selina immediately feels better

Congressman:'Get drunk and tape crayons to their feet?' — congressman describing how the bill was drafted

Jonah · Richard:'But what if it was gone?' / 'Oh, that's a good point.' — Jonah's non-argument convinces no one but himself

Congressman · Jonah:'So you're the best the White House has to offer?' / 'Yes, sir.' / 'Two giant children in their dads' suits.'

Jonah · Richard:'We have a folder full of numbers here, and I think you'll find these numbers just to be great, great numbers.' / 'Saying what?' / 'Uh, Richard, what do the numbers say?'

Richard:'We've glanced at the numbers, sir, and at first glance they are very compelling.'

Congressman:'You work for President Meyer. You don't know where the door is. I'll show you.'

Jonah:Jonah offers web design services to the congressman as a lobbying tactic

Richard · Congressman:'Can I ask you how you're going to vote today?' / 'No.' / 'Is that no as in I can't ask you or no as in...'

Tom James:'Oh, you know, presidential. It's like she wants to run the whole damn country. You know what? The last guy, he was the same way.'

Tom James:'You know, you just started that last sentence with a 'we' and you finished it with a 'you.''

Tom James · Ben:Tom smoothly deflects Ben's question by launching into an apparently riveting story about a Boston wedding fight involving the bride

Ben:'I mean, that was some black belt jujitsu bullshit right there.'

Kent · Gary:The competing memos about whether Kent or Gary has authority over Selina's schedule — 'When was yours sent?' / 'When was yours sent?' / 'I asked you first.'

Selina · Doctor:Selina threatens to get a new doctor; doctor immediately capitulates and changes his advice

Selina:'I feel like I'm captain of the Titanic and I carved out the iceberg myself.'

Selina:'I can sleep when I'm dead in about an hour.'

Dan or Amy:'Not since Herod has there been a piece of legislation so damaging to average families.'

Dan or Amy:'This is akin to carrying out heart surgery with a pair of spoons.'

Congressman:'I don't need to be ridden by you two lobby horses to know that this bill is a waste of bowel space.'

Congressman · Dan · Amy:'This is the same folder that Jonah Ryan had.' — congressman recognizes the Office Depot folder as conspiracy evidence

Congressman:'We have the same Office Depot folder as they do. Call the Washington Post. I smell conspiracy.'

Congressman:'Why is this one shaking like Elvis's leg?'

Congressman:'I think I've just reboarded the vote yes express.'

Selina:'The president is qualified to be president because she is president. Does your party have a candidate who is president?'

Selina · Ben · Tom:Selina is discovered to have been sending voice memos to aides during the live TV interview

Selina:'It is important, Ben. Every memo I send is important. Send memo. Jesus.'

Tom James:'That's it. I'm throwing the debate. You win, pretend opponent.'

Ben · Selina:'We just let off one nuke at the Super Bowl. Oh, so now you want to micromanage something you didn't even want to be involved in.'

Selina:'Wait a second, Kent had a list who Jonah and Richard were seeing and you had a list who Dan and Amy were seeing? Did you not think to compare the lists?'

Ben · Tom James:'No, a cash trail is very fucking bad for us.' / 'Oh.' / 'Hey, hold on there, Hunk of the Month.'

Ben:'Good point. Dan and Amy. They're getting paid cash from the campaign fund to bring down the bill. There, you've been blooded. So join the circle jerk. Grab a dick.'

Gary:'So it's kind of like sinnitus.' — Gary's pun on 'sin' and 'tinnitus'

Gary · Ben:'I'm the linchpin. I could go to jail!' / 'Shut up!' / 'No, you shut up. You shut up. And I will also shut up first.'

Gary:'Listen, Sue, I'm involved with some stuff here. Scary stuff like take it to your grave kind of stuff. And that's the way I like it.'

Amy:'I'm kind of having fun. I like having a cover story. Makes me feel like a Charlie's Angel.'

Dan:'Jesus, you know, I always thought the old Amy was kind of an uptight bitch, but now I sort of miss her.'

Selina · Ben:'It's like something out of a political cartoon.' / 'What, you mean not funny?'

Kent · Ben:'It was a sur-list, which means over-list.' / 'Oh, fuck you.'

Ben:'Your earwax could bring down a president.'

Ben:'Yeah, now we're gonna have to divert funds from the campaign and that's fraud. And then we're gonna have to destroy the evidence and that's conspiracy to commit fraud.'

Gary · Selina:Gary accidentally tells Selina everything about the conspiracy while trying to find out how much she knows

Ben:'Well done. Now I feel a lot better.' — Ben's reaction to Gary accidentally informing Selina

Tom James · Selina:'Ma'am, I am as shocked as you are. Shocked and disappointed, Ben.'

Selina:'My future depends on that dumb fucking elf?'

Pierce · Richard:'The president? The president sent you here to talk to me?' / 'She used sentences containing your name.'

Amy:'Oh, no, Joker and Penguin beat us to it.'

Amy:'And your support will shrink faster than a penis in the December Hudson.'

Jonah:'You shit-eating cocksuckers.' — Said by Jonah or Richard in defense of Pierce's mother

Jonah · Amy:'I'm sorry, Mrs. Pierce. How dare you come in here and try to strong-arm a person when he's sitting at his sick mother's bedside?' / 'That's exactly what you just did, dumbass.'

Selina:'She's probably gonna die just to spite me. That evil bitch.'

Gary:'Listen, Ben, you've got to do something. I don't want to be a bagman for the toughest guy in D block.'

Selina:Selina's 'Capable' is immediately followed by her coughing uncontrollably — a physical punctuation to her claim of capability

Jonah:'I am surprised the two of you even found your way out of your own mothers' vaginas.'

Dan:'Oh, my God, dude, I got out of there like I had a fucking map.'

Jonah · Dan:'Dan, get out of my car.' / 'Do you think I want to be in this fucking Minecraft piece of shit?'

Dan:'You colossal fucking fanny pack. You don't get it, do you? They only sent you 'cause they knew that you would fuck it up. You're so stupid, you don't even know that you're being used for your stupidity.'

Jonah · Dan:Jonah's car won't start; he reverses as a fix; Dan points out he should just go straight — 'I took a precision driving class, Dan. I think I know what I'm doing.'

Selina:'We should have hired Navy SEALs instead of those two actual seals.'

Selina:'How do you lose a whole person? A cuff link I get, but not a person.'

Selina:Selina's insult speech: 'You're parasites. You're like an infestation of mediocrity. I don't care if you're a 1950s radio broadcaster. You're Fozzie Bear who's been ripped up and used to smuggle heroin. A Nazi doctor. I don't even know what the fuck you are.'

Selina:'Call NASA. They've got to have a satellite that can pinpoint a moron.'

Gary · Selina:Gary trying to end the team talk: 'Tom. Tom.' / 'Shut up, Gary.' / 'Shut... mm-hmm.' / 'I do the team talks, okay?'

Dan · Richard:Dan: 'Okay, new rule in the Cube. If your name begins with D, you need to shut the fuck up immediately.' Richard: 'I'm fine because my name begins with an R.' Dan: 'Not if we shorten it to Dick.'

Pierce:Pierce explaining why he left his sick mother alone: 'Guys, my mom is too ill to be left alone right now. I mean, I left her alone right now because she likes to read. But she can't read right now because she's very sick.'

Selina · Gary · Others:Temperature disagreement: 'I'm cold.' / 'It's actually about 110 in here.' / 'You could grow tomatoes in here.'

Amy · Jonah:Amy and Dan stopped at the White House door: 'You can't come in. That comes from the president.' Amy: 'Well, she's a bitch.' Jonah: 'I'll tell her you said hi.'

Richard · Selina · Gary:Richard insisting on introducing himself to the president: 'I brought him also, ma'am. Richard Splett.' / 'She already knows who you are. You can go.' / 'No, no, no. Not you. Not you.'

Pierce · Selina's Representative:Pierce negotiating his ambassadorship: 'What's your favorite city?' / 'Dallas. I love Dallas, Texas.' / 'No, it needs to be a foreign city.'

Selina:'There's Pierce. He even walks dumb. Every time I see him, I hear circus music.'