Gary Walsh

Selina · Gary · Amy:Glasses on for the intellectual look? / A woman with vision. / No, glasses make me look weak. / Yeah, I agree. / It's like a wheelchair for the eye.

Gary · Selina:Senator Phil Dorsey, 2:00. / I'm not a sniper.

Gary · Selina:His daughter Emily just graduated from Harvard. / Tell me, how is Emily?

Gary · Selina · Amy:Guess what? I've managed to get a fresh batch of those European sweeteners you like so much. / Oh, thanks, Gary. Yeah, they're great sweeteners. / They are awful. / Actually, they're just sweeteners I got at a NATO meeting last year.

Gary · Sue:Hey, Sue. That is a lovely dress. / Thank you, Gary.

Gary:That's your 'Sergeant Pepper's.'

Gary · Selina · Amy:We can also use my kitten heels gag. / Is that funny? / No. / It's funny enough for these people.

Gary:I need to keep these off your jacket 'cause the static attracts and retains dirt.

Selina · Gary:I don't have time to ignore you, Jonah. / Gary, could you please ignore Jonah for me?

Gary:That was her telling me to sign her name. / If she'd wanted me to sign your name, she would have done this... [gesture]

Gary:'Cause I think that I signed my name. / What? / Not Selina's name, my name.

Gary · Amy · Selina:Gary's dramatic return to confess the signed card — the extended silence after 'So sorry. I just need to tell you something.' [21:25 to 21:40]

Amy · Gary:First of all, you should put the hood down. / I wasn't going to put the hood up. / Well, good luck, Gary. / I am convinced that you can probably do this.

Jonah · Gary:Are you here to steal the incorrectly-signed card? / Come on, no. / This looks really bad. / It's not bad.

Gary:I got acid reflux. Let's get to the bad part.

Jonah · Gary:I want Amy to go on a date with me tonight. / Okay, okay, okay. That's impossible. / Don't worry about it, okay? We're not gonna have sex, all right? Because she hates me. / Okay. Uh-huh. / But Amy's an eight. / Okay. / And if all the other eights that I do want to have sex with see that I am eight-capable, then I'm going to be having sex with an eight very soon.

Jonah · Gary:It is intern season, Gary. / Do I look like a pimp to you? / You look exactly like a pimp.

Selina · Amy · Gary:The key is you do it upside down. / That is extraordinary. / Is there anything you can't do? / Foreplay, direct sunlight.

Dan · Gary:Actually, she's not my girlfriend anymore. I just broke up with her about 15 minutes ago via text. / Well, cold and rather nerdy. / Actually, it was an app.

Eric · Gary:Well, that's sort of a stupid thing to say, isn't it? 'Cause you can't drink a solid, can you? / Soup? / Well, soup is solids suspended in liquid, so it qualifies as a liquid.

Gary:Take care. Soup?

Gary:Yeah, I saw that. I liked it.

Gary · Dan:I didn't appreciate the reference to my potential suicide earlier. I'm not a joke. / No, you're the guy with the big bag of lip balm, Gary. You're fucking Kissinger.

Gary · Dan:Every single thing you say to me is emasculating. Do you realize that? / Yes.

Gary · Dan:I do a serious job. I'm next to the veep more than any other human being. / You are distantly orbiting her. / I'm her moon.

Dan · Gary:So would you take a bullet for the veep, Gary? / Oh, my God. / No, no, no. / Because, you know, you're gonna be right in the line of fire. / It's not my job. I would help her if she was down. / Right, with the lip balm if she got shot in the lips.

Selina · Gary:Don't shoot. Don't shoot. Please don't shoot. / Shoot him. You can shoot him.

Gary · Selina:You know what I heard? Senator Doyle wears pantyhose. Oh, really? No. But now that you have that image, he's not that scary.

Gary · Mike:I took a bullet for the veep. / How'd you take a bullet, Gary? / It was a sneeze bullet. Right in the face. Saved Selina from the bug. Pure instinct. It was like a dirty bomb and I... bam... Dived on it.

Jonah · Mike · Gary · Amy:I work at the White House, so I can just walk in and say, 'I'm from the White House. What the fuck are you doing?' / What? You work at the White House? / Oh, my God. Can I blow you? / Uh, yes, you can. I will meet you out in the hallway in a few seconds. / Sure, I'll get a stepladder.

Selina · Gary:Gary, senator Doyle's guy looks like he's dying. If I were you, I would go straight to the pharmacy and take one of everything. / I'm gonna have a blowout if I walk to the pharmacy. / That's what I'm worried about. / If you're gonna shit your pants, I don't want you here.

Gary:You know, if I wash my hands anymore, the bones are gonna come through.

Amy · Gary:Dump her in there. / Be careful. Careful. / No one's judging. / Don't come in. Don't come in here.

Gary · Amy:I-I got to go with you ma'am, I'm sorry. / Just dive into it.

Selina · Gary:Where does Gary put those wipes? / Oh, my God. / Whew. / Damn.

Selina · Gary:stupid fucking midget. / clearly he hasn't heard you sing.

Gary:or should i say canine-didates?

Gary · Selina:f.y.i., ma'am, the president is not calling. / f.y.i., gary, no shit.

Selina · Gary:you dumped my daughter by text and didn't even apologize. / oh, no, i did. i signed off with colon open brackets.

Staff · Gary · Amy:is there even a name for that? / how about catch-44? / gary.

Gary:ma'am, senator doyle just arrived and he has a face like he's been stabbed in the groin.

Gary · Andrew · Selina:and that's not just the high notes. / i have a recital coming up. / okay. / you could have said 'don't blow it.' / no, i'm not gonna say that.

Gary:wife, not his daughter. wife, not daughter.

Gary:catch-44, he caught it. pow! oh, i'm sorry.

Mike · Gary · Selina:i just got it from google images. / i'm sorry, ma'am. i thought you knew, ma'am. / otherwise i would not have been laughing. / gary knew? / even fucking gary knew?

Selina · Mike · Staff · Gary:is this true, mike? / it got a little out of hand. / you carry a picture of it in your wallet, mike. / i just got it from google images. / i'm sorry, ma'am. i thought you knew, ma'am. / otherwise i would not have been laughing. / gary knew? / even fucking gary knew?

Gary:wow, i'm glad that you were so honest about liking the one that i chose.

Gary · Selina:ernest lainchbury, lifeboat association. / he's got a glass eye. / i am so happy you're here.

Gary · Selina:jenny armitage, disabled sports of america. / just had triplets. / oh, triplets. wow. / that must have hurt... unless you had a c-section.

Gary · Selina:carlos esquerra, c.e.o. of the nasdaq o.m.x. group. / i got nothing. use your spanish. / su casa es mi casa. / mi casa. / mi casa es su casa.

Gary · Selina:rt van der merkle, head of gambling commission. / pro-gambling. loves to kill. / hey, there.

Gary · Selina:corey wilk, special advisor to the supreme court of michigan. / he's got a brother in rage against the machine. / tell your brother i love his music.

Gary · Selina:carrie stringer, center for social action. / he's a triathlete. / no, he's not.

Gary · Selina:liam miller, nasa. / okay, that's an acronym for national aeronautics-- / i-- stop it. / okay.

Gary · Selina:the reverend terrance clark, church of the living christ. / he's a baker. / oh, christ has risen.

Gary:hyun-joo lee, urban placemakers forum. / he's korean.

Gary:hyun-joo lee, urban placemakers forum. / he's korean.

Gary:You could talk about how you always get a sweaty upper lip underneath studio lights. That shows you're normal.

Mike · Selina · Gary:Madam vice president, how are your Ravens doing this year? / My Ravens are gold and I'll tell you why. / Beer makes me so gassy. / You can talk about that... about how it always bloats you, beer.

Selina · Gary:You know what I'm sick of? That stupid story of Chung supposedly pulling some guy out of a burning tank. Come on, why do guys in the army get a medal for doing their job? / The guy still had severe burns. / If anything, Chung was too late.

Selina · Amy · Gary:You know what I did? I went to bed at 7:00 P.M. on a Saturday night. / Even people who are dying of malaria stay up later than that. / Well, they can't sleep because they're coughing.

Selina · Mike · Gary:I know that I'm a Ravens fan, but, like, what if Finnegan is a Ravens fan, too? / A team can't play itself, can it? / You can in video games.

Gary · Amy:She got the filibuster in! [staff celebration]

Selina · Gary · Amy:Gary, just give it a light touch. No import to it. / What does that mean? / Just talk to him like working guy to working guy. / Got it. Mano a mano. / Oh, Jesus Christ.

Gary · Selina:Ma'am, I don't know if all these people are bereaving, so just converse generally, okay? / Converse generally? What about? The weather? / Not about the weather. / It is unseasonably warm, though, okay?

Selina · Gary:One minute, you're enjoying this amazing sunshine... / Well, it's unseasonably warm.

Selina · Gary:Gary, the belt can wait. / Let's just put it this way... what I was trying to say was... Jesus Christ! / Oh, my God! / Oh! / Gary, that was my fucking flesh that you just... / Hello? / ...trapped in there.

Gary · Selina:You were... you were on the phone? / Mm-hmm. / Oh, I didn't hear anything. / You better not have heard anything.

Gary · Selina:You were... you were on the phone? / Mm-hmm. / Oh, I didn't hear anything. / You better not have heard anything. / I didn't say anything. / Oh, my God.

Gary:Oh, God, yeah. I heard something on the phone. Oh, God. How many times can she be underneath that? She's got such a little body and he seemed like a big man.

Gary · Selina:Hey, ma'am, I'm right here. Can I get you something? / You got rollerblades?

Gary · Selina:I wouldn't search on your name or your nicknames, really. / My nicknames? Gary, what are my nicknames?

Gary · Selina:Grisly Madam, She-ra, Meyer the Liar, the Batcave, Pissface. Wicked Witch of the West Wing, Veep Throat, VoldeMeyer, Dickless Van Dyke, Tawdry Hepburn, Blunder Woman, Selina Meh.

Gary:Vaselina, Betty Poop.

Gary:People attack you because they think you're beautiful and you're smart. You got the most nicknames when you were on the cover of Vogue.

Gary · Selina:They called you Goofy Smile. / Let's not get into it.

Gary · Selina:Oh, I got my first zumba class tonight. / Oh. Neat. / I'm excited.

Selina · Gary:Would you do me a favor? Could you go and pick up some of those takeout crab cakes from Levin's? / I love those. / Yeah. / That wouldn't spoil your plans, would it? / No, ma'am.

Gary:Vaguely Personable. Viagra Prohibitor. Visible Panties.

Selina · Gary:Viagra Prohibitor? / Why, because when a guy's with me he doesn't need viagra? / No. / It means that even if a guy uses it... / It doesn't work? / They are saying that a prescription medication that is supposed to guarantee a strong and sustained erection in all men despite their age or their health is rendered ineffective by me?

Gary · Selina:Wait, what about V-Pilf? / No, Gary. / That's flattering. You know what that means? / Vice President I Would Like to, you know, fool around with. / Fuck. / Okay.

Gary · Amy:Oh, Amy, I have a quick q for you to a. / Quickly, then. / In diary hierarchy, does the national resource committee meeting trump the care for children's association? / Yes. / Okay, I will kill the children.

Gary · Amy:You know what would be perfect in Paris is that pink jacket you have. / Ma'am! Ma'am! It's a fucking disaster.

Gary · Selina:They used a nickname, ma'am, and we were not searching on it. / Which one? / Mrs. DoubtMeyer. / Well, you never mentioned that one. / Yeah, that means you're kind of slightly confused. You're oddly masculine. / It's a shitty nickname.

Selina · Gary:Gary! / Yes, ma'am? Yes, ma'am? / I need something. / Okay, is there anything specific? / I don't fucking know. I just need something.

Gary · Selina:Ma'am, I got you a little bit of ice cream. I thought that might be just what you wanted. / That is just exactly what I wanted.

Gary · Selina:God, Parisian women really intimidate me. / Why? / I don't know. They're so Parisian.

Gary · Selina:You're as stylish as any Parisian woman. / Oh, thank you. / Oh, so are you. / Thank you. / That took too long, didn't it?

Selina · Amy · Gary · Sue:We can't go to Paris. / Shit. / No, whoa, whoa. We got all those tours lined up. / They're anticipating another tied vote in the Senate. / You need to head back to preside again. / It's gavel time. / What bill is it? / That was a play on 'it's hammer time.' / I know. What bill is it?

Gary · Amy:Gary's dad would 'rather me work here' — 'In catering?' / 'No, a baseball stadium.'

Amy · Gary:'I meant for him.' — Amy's response after Gary says it must be tough that his dad doesn't respect him

Gary · Amy:Gary's bag has 'one big storage area and then 60 separate pockets' — the pocket quiz

Gary:Gary on the phone with his dad: 'Listen, the veep and I are gonna have our photo taken with the Orioles players... Shit, yeah. Shit, yeah.'

Selina · Gary:'Could you lip-read earlier when I was talking about you to Amy? / No. / Oh, that's too bad. It was all good.'

Selina · Gary:Could you lip-read earlier when I was talking about you to Amy? / No. / Oh, that's too bad. It was all good.

Gary:Gary's baby fantasy: 'I can carry the baby around in a little sling or something like that.'

Gary:Gary on the phone with his dad: 'I'm with the team... my playas. Boom shaka laka. That's how they talk.'

Gary · Pharmacist:Gary buying all the pregnancy tests — pharmacy worker: 'I hope you get the result you're looking for.' / Gary: 'No, it's not for me. It's my sister.'

Gary:Isn't this nice how the lettering works on these... on these tops?

Gary:Gary on the phone with dad while children sing: 'You're right, I do do a proper man's job.'

Gary:Gary's call: 'You're right, I do do a proper man's job.' — closing his father's storyline while 'If You're Happy and You Know It' plays in the background

Gary:'Hey, ma'am, it's leave o'clock.'

Gary:Gary: 'She didn't mean that. She's got a lot on her mind today.' / Staffer: 'Oh, yeah, you mean like firing Amy? Or someone who's undermining the president...'

Gary · Dan:Gary reveals: 'Selina's had a miscarriage.' — followed immediately by Dan: 'Well, this is good for us.'

Gary:Gary, having just revealed the VP's miscarriage to the room, pivots to pretend he was telling them about his riding mower

Gary:'This is what happens when you tell the truth. Nothing good comes of it.'

Gary:'Okay, I'm gonna get you a cup of rose hip tea.' — Gary's solution to all crises

Selina · Gary:'Shut?' / 'Of course shut!' — the door interaction

Gary · Selina:The rose hip tea with honey and Fig Newton ceremony

Selina · Gary:Selina asking Gary to break up with Ted for her — 'I want you to let him go'

Gary · Ted:Gary telling Ted it's over: 'She can go off, can't she?' / 'Yeah, sorry about that.' / 'That's okay. So maybe it's a good thing.' / 'What? What's a good thing?' / 'That she doesn't want to see you anymore.'

Ted · Gary:Ted's long stunned silence after being told Selina doesn't want to see him — 16 seconds of dead air before Gary speaks

Dan · Amy · Gary:Gary using a farm animal fable to tell Dan and Amy who's getting fired: horse, sheep, pig — 'Who does she get rid of?'

Gary · Dan/Amy:Gary: 'What? What? Did you just call me buddy? You don't listen to me. You never listen to me. What's going on? You want something from me.'

Gary:'I'd rather be a pig than an ass-monkey up on his high horse. There, that's three animals for you.'

Gary:The thing about Ohio is the weather is completely schizophrenic. We dress you wrong, you're either freezing like a popsicle or you're sweating like a hog.

Selina · Gary:Have we heard from the president on the economic forum? Uh, yeah. Last I heard, he was three over par. Oh, forum's not happening. Potus took a golf day.

Selina · Gary:Do you know who he's playing golf with? No, who? No, no, no, who? Oh, you don't know and you want me to find out.

Gary · Selina:You know, my papaw used to say, 'it's always darkest before the storm.' So... / Oh, the dawn, the dawn. 'It's always darkest before the dawn.' And then he would kiss me.

Gary · Dan · Amy · Selina:Look who's playing golf with the president. / Danny Chung. / Chung. / Shut up.

Gary · Selina · Amy:Twitter eruption. Veep's trending. / Amy, what's going on? / Um, you're trending, ma'am. / I'm on Twitter, but it wants me to create a new account. I don't know how to do that.

Selina · Gary:See, now... now I want to cry. But I can't cry. / Can I get you a cup of tea? / Yeah. / You know, I mean, this job has fucked me up so bad. Now I don't fucking know if I can cry anymore.

Gary · Selina · Gary:I wouldn't worry about it, ma'am. / — / I mean, you've only got four years of this, so... / Eight years, I guess, if we got reelected, obviously. / 12 if you run for president. / 16, two-term. / So think about that.

Selina · Gary · Mike:Okay, hmm, what is the solution to your problem, Gary? Oh, use another lipstick. Wow, that was easy. What is the solution to my problem? I sell a kidney?

Gary:Hey, dumpling. It's Gary. I'm sorry I missed you. It's just I can't find her lipstick and I thought maybe it fell out of the Leviathan at home.

Gary:Listen, Amy. Something has happened to the vice president. I know your dad is dying and I'm really, really sorry, Amy, but I think Dana took Selina's lipstick.

Dan · Selina · Gary:You should not be in here. We need to go. I know. We'll do a little hop. Ready? One, two... there we go.

Selina · Gary:I'm about to enter a national ass-kicking contest with no legs and a massive ass. It's not that big, ma'am. What? I think your ass is perfect.

Gary · Dan:Want to play midterm cliché bingo? First phrase she uses. I already got 'wake-up call.'

Selina · Gary:Oh, my God, I look so old. No. What is that reaction?

Selina · Gary:Oh, my God, I look so old. No. What is that reaction?

Selina · Gary:Oh, my God, I look so old. / No. / What is that reaction?

Gary · Selina:Smile with your eyes if you can. Yep. And your nose if you can. With my nose? How do you do that?

Gary · Selina:Smile with your eyes if you can. / Yep. / And your nose if you can. / With my nose? How do you do that?

Gary:Remember to thank somebody, okay? Not God. Don't make it religious. But thank, like, farmers. They love that shit.

Selina · Gary:Gary asks mid-argument whether Selina wants a clutch; she says yes, then no, then yes — all while continuing to fight with Andrew on the phone.

Selina · Gary:Selina: 'I hope we have a number for a contract killer, too.' Gary: 'I'll do it.'

Selina · Gary:Selina: 'I will not have you undermine me with Catherine... I want Catherine to spend Thanksgiving with me, not some random boyfriend. And what about poor Memaw, who's guaranteed to be dead by March?' Gary: '(quietly) With any luck.'

Selina · Gary:Gary offers to help with the air base logistics; Selina shuts him down: 'Gary. This is not your area of expertise. It's just typing into a calendar.'

Gary · Sue:Gary's accidental sarcasm followed by instant panic: 'Oh ... I'm sorry, Sue. Your job is really difficult.' Sue: 'Excuse me?' Gary: 'You do it very efficiently.'

Gary · Selina:Gary's melodrama setup: 'I know you think I'm melodramatic, ma'am.' Selina: 'I know you're melodramatic.' Gary: 'Uh-huh. Our world has just ended.'

Selina · Gary:Gary asks how crabs can be in an eyebrow; Selina explains: 'Okay, Gary, when a man and a woman love each other very much and it's the man's birthday...'

Amy · Gary:Amy: 'This needs to be the Gettysburg Address of tightrope-walking, say-nothing bullshit.' Gary: 'My time has come.'

Selina · Gary:Selina: 'I've been scratching my eyebrow for three and a half fucking hours. Where have you been?' / Gary: 'I thought we weren't doing the eyebrow thing. You said about the crabs.'

Selina · Gary:Selina: 'I want to see the film and I will see the film. Gary, we need to get it. It's Five Easy Pieces.' Gary: 'It's 5 Broken Cameras.' Selina: 'Okay, it's Broken Cameras.'

Gary:VP stands for 'very precious.' Okay?

Gary · Cliff:This is the Veeplopedia. It's everything you'll ever need to know. Wow. Hope it comes with CliffsNotes.

Gary · Cliff:That was a play on my name. My name is Cliff. Don't do jokes, Cliff. I don't have a sense of humor and neither should you.

Gary:Probably got his head stuck in her ass.

Selina · Gary:They don't salute indoors, Gary. — They don't salute indoors, Gary. (both simultaneously)

Gary · Selina:Small arms means guns, ma'am. — Oh, really, Gary? Not T-rex hands?

Selina · Gary:What the fuck? — This could backfire. — It's not gonna backfire. The gun could literally backfire. That's where the phrase comes from.

Gary · Selina:You could chip a veneer and I don't really want that to happen. — I don't care. I'm going in.

Dan · Gary:Gary, I need the speech. I need the Vice President's ear. — Get your own ear, van Gogh. — Back off.

Dan · Gary · Mike:There goes the R-bomb. — I thought we weren't doing robust. — I thought we were still on considered.

Selina · Gary · Dan:Gary-oke time. — It is. — Danny-oke? — End of an era, buddy. End of an era.

Mike · Gary:Maybe she's pregnant again. — Oh, God. — Or she's menopausal. — Oh, God, she's gonna want that testosterone gel. I'm out of here.

Selina · Gary:I lost a man his leg. — Please stop saying that, ma'am. — He'll bounce back. I got a feeling.

Gary:Ma'am, some of the prosthetic legs they have these days are as good as real legs. I guarantee you they're better than my shitty legs. I hate my legs. In fact, if I had the choice...

Selina · Gary:Can you make it a big one so you can stuff me inside of it and smuggle me out of here? — Of course I can. — And there might be a little raspberry surprise in them.

Gary:You look concerned, but steely. Like a lady soldier.

Selina · Gary:Oh, there are not gonna be any veterans at this teen prayer breakfast thing tomorrow, are there? No, ma'am. No missing legs.

Gary:It's like two little clutch bags attached to his face.

Gary:Gary: 'I'll start running the acid bath.' — offering to destroy evidence.

Gary:Boom! That's her catchphrase. She got you. You got to be so careful.

Selina · Gary:A new Leviathan! / A Lev... a new Leviathan! / Isn't that great?

Dana · Gary:Does it have the same layout, honey? Because it took you so long to learn the other one. / No, it's fine. I can learn a new layout. It's fine.

Gary:♪ I love my new bag! ♪ / I can just sew some new pockets in. That's okay.

Gary:Gary: 'I can just sew some new pockets in. That's okay.'

Dana · Gary · Selina:I won't touch anything. Oops, I just started a war with Iran. / Joke. / That's not even remotely funny. / That's just one of my classic jokes.

Gary:She gave me a Leviathan with fewer pockets.

Selina · Gary:Look at you in your jammies.

Selina · Gary:Gary, my boob. / He grabbed it. / I'm the Vice President of the United States of America. / He just squeezed my tit like a balloon.

Gary:Okay, I'm gonna go mess him up.

Gary:He looks like a Disney villain.

Amy or Selina · Gary:Jesus, Gary. You look leukemic. I always do. That's my look. Yeah, well, you are rocking that look pretty hard tonight, my friend.

Gary · Finnish PM:I'm the VP's bag man, which I believe in Finland you say kassi. / Excuse me? / I'm a kassi.

Gary:I told everybody I was a scrotum.

Selina · Amy · Gary:Yeah, you did, didn't you. / It's okay. / Did you hear that? / He's not. / Ma'am, are you okay? / I don't know. I guess so. Sure. / No.

Dan · Amy · Gary:Dan: 'Are you getting worked up, Danny?' / Dan: 'Shut the fuck up, Gary.' / Amy: 'I'm so happy you're happy for me, Dan.' / Dan: 'Oh, what do you want, a fucking cake?'

Selina · Gary · Mary King:Gary's cats cause Mary's allergic reaction — 'Oh, Gary has cats.' — and then 'Gary, deflower the room.'

Gary · Selina:Andrew gave Selina a black Porsche for Valentine's Day that he bought with Catherine's trust fund money. 'He just fluffs ya, and then he fucks ya.'

Gary:Gary explaining Selina's Andrew-effect to Amy/Dan: 'It's like a cat on a hot tin dog.'

Gary:Someone flattering Selina about her appearance: 'You look so good, you're like a work of art. You make this stuff look like shit. Compared to you, that Monet is a piece of shit.'

Amy · Selina · Gary:Amy trying to limit Selina's Andrew time: 'The ex? Three minutes.' / Selina: 'What, are you negotiating already? I'll give you four.' / Amy: 'I'll cut her off at three, okay?'

Gary · Selina:Gary: 'Well, technically, ma'am, he had the palm of your hand in his hand.' / Selina: 'Oh.' / Gary: 'You need to be really careful, sweetie.'

Gary · Selina:Gary calls Selina 'sweetie' by accident, then is horrified

Gary · Selina:Gary: 'Oh my God, I'm sorry.' / Selina: 'That's what I call Dana.' / Gary: 'Did you ever call Dana ma'am?' / Gary: 'I did once and it was awful.'

Selina · Gary:Selina: 'If I were drunk right now, would you kiss me?' / Gary: 'Yeah.' / Selina: 'No, Gary, I'm kidding.' / Gary: 'Right.'

Gary · Catherine:Final scene: Gary finds Catherine alone with her birthday cake. Extended awkward silence as he tries to figure out what to say. 'Pretty nice cake you got there.' / '...' / 'You gonna eat all of it?' / Catherine offers him some. Gary: 'Jesus fucking Christ. Here. Take that. Carrot cake's good.' / 'You want to try it?' / 'Nope. It's all yours. I can use my phone to cut it.'

Gary · Catherine:Final scene: Gary sits alone with Catherine and the uncut birthday cake. Small talk. 'You gonna eat all of it?' / 'Do you want a piece?' / 'I do.' / 'Here. Carrot cake's good.' / 'You want to try it?' / 'Nope.' / 'I can use my phone to cut it.'

Gary · Selina:Gary shrieks at a rat on the garbage, then insists 'that was a shout' and 'yeah, 'cause I'm a man. I have a man's voice.'

Gary:Gary: 'Yeah, that's right. Walk away. Walk away.' (to the rat) followed by a chuckle

Gary · Staff:Gary: 'It was like a pony.' Staff respond with 'Squeak, squeak' to mock him.

Selina · Dan · Gary:Dan is furloughed over Gary because 'you two do similar jobs'; Dan asks 'Does that mean he makes more money than I do?'

Selina · Gary:The Secret Service is calling Gary 'Girly Shirley Temple'

Sue · Selina · Gary · Amy:Sue is furloughed; she immediately bursts into dignified crying while the staff awkwardly console her

Selina · Amy · Gary:Dan takes his furlough like 'Spock — he doesn't show his emotions.' 'Ever?' 'Ever?' 'No, not even then.' 'You're kidding me.'

Gary · Amy · Selina:Dan laughed once — when the security guard fell off his Segway. 'Is laughter an emotion?'

Jonah · Gary:Jonah calls Gary 'cum-for-brains' while explaining why he needs a passport renewal

Gary · Jonah:Gary has taken over as 'New Sue'; Jonah asks for an appointment in his entitled way; Gary says 'Suck it' and hangs up the phone

Chung · Gary · Selina:Chung says 'vanquish the stench' about the shutdown; cut immediately to Gary announcing he removed Selina's actual garbage

Selina · Amy · Gary:Selina panics that a private garbage contractor could 'go through all of my trash and put it up on the Internet'

Gary · Selina:Gary: 'How am I gonna know which bags are yours? Do you want to let me know some of the things that are in the bags?'

Selina · Gary:Extended awkward silence after Selina takes Gary aside privately; just two voices saying 'What the...' and 'Fuck.' then silence

Garbage Man · Gary · Jonah:The garbage man tells Gary and Jonah 'It's mine now' regarding the trash they've come to reclaim; when Gary says it's a 'government matter,' the man says 'Are you threatening me, Pez head?'

Jonah · Gary:Jonah: 'Why don't you offer to blow him over by the recycled glass? It would throw up some interesting light effects. That would be romantic, wouldn't it?'

Gary · Jonah:Gary: 'It's disrespectful.' Jonah: 'It's a building, Gary. It doesn't have feelings.' Gary: 'It has a spirit.'

Garbage Man · Gary · Jonah:The garbage man's counter-demand: 'I would like a visit from the vice president.' Gary and Jonah's dawning horror as he adds: '"Vice president applauds shit compaction."'

Jonah · Gary:Jonah climbing into the garbage-filled back seat: 'It's bigger than your mother's womb and you were in there till you were 15.' Gary: 'Oh, my God.'

Jonah · Sue · Gary:The garbage transport scene: 'We're gonna be the shitty Sopranos.' Sue: 'Just don't get any mess on my dress.' Jonah: 'My mess on your dress. I like this... sorry.'

Selina · Gary:Selina: 'Gary wouldn't do something that idiotic, would you, Gary?' Gary: 'Well, under certain circumstances, a garbage service...' Selina: 'Ah!' Gary: 'Yeah, no, no. I get it. I understand now.'

Selina · Gary · Amy:Gary is furloughed mid-scene. 'Hey, Gary.' 'Yeah?' 'You're furloughed.' 'No!' / 'I got Sue.' (sigh)

Selina · Gary:Gary is furloughed for the second time in the episode. He has a brief moment of resignation then realizes Sue is now in.

Selina · Gary:'What is this one doing?' / 'He is moving a legless horse.'

Selina · Gary:The microphone packing problem — 'looks like I'm masturbating if I got my hands in my pockets' / 'too FDR?'

Gary · Dan:Yeah, let me just pull that out of my ass. / It's DC. You can find someone willing to open their ass on a Sunday.

Gary · Selina:Gary adjusts Selina's microphone at the break and gets yelled at: 'Ow! Whoa! Okay, my ears are my livelihood.'

Gary · Selina:Gary: 'Now that she mentions it, I think it does sound familiar.' / Selina: 'Completely useless.'

Gary:Gary: 'Fuck my face. You hear that?' — repeating what Amy said to him ('Fuck your face, Gary')

Gary · Selina:Use the Force, ma'am. / I don't even know what that means. / Big and bold. What do you mean? Like a medley from 'Okla'-fucking-'homa'?

Gary:'He's got money to burn. Not that donating to your campaign is burning money.'

Selina · Gary:'I know what this is all about. This is a political prick tease today.' / 'Yeah, and we're about to meet a bunch of pricks.'

Gary:'Don't move. We're gonna have to cut your clothes off you. I walked through a glass door before. This is what you do, okay? You're kidding. No, I was fine because I was drunk.'

Gary:'I've got some St. John's wort for pain relief if you want it. It's herbal. It's from the earth. You can take six, it won't affect you.'

Gary · Amy · Dan:Gary: 'it can react badly with the body if she's already on immunosuppressants, beta-blockers, or antidepressants.' / Amy and Dan simultaneously: 'Oh, okay, fine. She's not on any of those.' / Beat / 'Well, she is on antidepressants.'

Selina · Gary:Gary: 'Who has the presidential suite?' Selina: 'I heard Russell Crowe.' Gary: 'Russell Crowe, Gladiator.' Selina: '"I'll be back."'

Gary · Selina:Gary reveals his backstory: grew up in Birmingham, Alabama; father 'always wanted a man for a son'; parents are celebrating their 40th anniversary. Selina: 'Can I come?'

Gary · Selina:Gary and Selina vocalizing and dancing together about going to the anniversary party

Gary · Selina:Gary and Selina vocalizing dance moves together / 'Dance on.' / 'I'm really excited for that party.'

Amy · Gary:Amy: 'She's out of her fucking mind.' Gary: 'She's coming to my parents' 40th wedding anniversary.' Amy: 'Yeah, exactly, Gary. She's out of her fucking mind.'

Gary · Dan:Gary: 'It's herbal. It's from the earth.' Dan: 'So are mushrooms, dipshit.' Gary: 'Okay, that's illegal drugs.'

Selina · Gary:'There's something so sexy about being in a hotel in the middle of the day, right?' Gary: 'Yep, four people to one toilet. You can hear everything that hits the water.'

Gary · Amy:Amy on the phone to Gary about clothes: 'Just get back here.' Gary: 'Amy, Amy, Amy. Give me a number between one and four, please.' Amy: 'Four.' Gary: 'I think I prefer three.' Amy: 'Fucking three, then.' Gary: 'Actually, four's good.'

Selina · Mike · Dan · Gary:The Taiwan cartoon: anime-style news report showing Selina walking into a glass door, everyone laughing including Selina

Gary · Selina:Gary tries to stop Selina: 'No, your face looks fine. You're beating a disabled guy.' Selina: 'Oh, come on. Don't be so hard on yourself, Gary.'

Gary:Gary: 'I can't stop her. She's unstoppable.'

Gary · Selina:Gary: 'Hey, ma'am. About my parents' party...' Selina: 'What? I thought your parents were dead.'

Selina · Gary:Selina: 'I mean, why wouldn't I make that assumption? Why wouldn't...' Gary: 'Right. Yeah, totally. Yeah.' Selina: 'All right, let's back up for a second here. Your parents are not dead.' Gary: 'Nope. Mmm-mmm.' Selina: 'It's so funny that you thought that they were, too.'

Gary · Selina:Ma'am, you have my deepest, deepest sympathies. / Okay, well, I'm not dead.

Gary · Selina:Hey, ma'am, you know you're gonna break the president's heart with this news. / Wish I could break his spine. But I can't, 'cause it's made of Jell-O.

Gary:I'm going into business with Dana and we're doing D&G Cheese Overseas.

Bystander · Dana · Gary:Would you guys like some space? / Yeah! / No! Stay right where you are.

Gary · Dana:Hey. Hey. / Gary who I'm gonna marry. Fiancée in the house. Ooh, ooh! / This is not a good time, baby.

Amy · Selina · Gary · Selina:Quit freaking out. You need to get your head together. / What do you mean? The president's gonna be here any second. / Lookie, lookie, lookie, lookie. / This is for you. / What? / It's like a Pecorino peace offering.

Selina · Gary:Who gives a flying fuck? / ( all laugh ) / Not yet. / Sorry. I'm sorry, but I couldn't help it.

Gary:Oh, she loved the cheese. Loved it.

Gary · Wendy · Selina (via phone):Is that lip shade coral blush? / Yes, it is. Wow. / Nicely applied. / I like him. I want to keep him. Can I have him, please?

Selina · Gary:Gary just usually makes up an excuse. / Uh, ladies and gentlemen, the Vice President has to step out for a moment to take a phone call with a senator. He's having a big problem.

Gary · Unknown woman:Gary, are you working on the night of our eighth month-iversary? / Please don't tell me you're doing that face. / I am doing that face.

Gary:Did you call me to talk dirty about your honeymoon?

Gary:Instead of doing this pre-campaigning, sometime in the next 24 hours, you grab a mic, you say, 'I'm Selina Meyer and I'm running for President of the United States.'

Selina · Gary · Amy:Gary. / You gotta get a shot of this. / Ma'am... / Swords. He's got swords. / Fuck the swords. POTUS just announced that he's now pro-life.

Gary:They're already calling him 'PRO-TUS,' which is stupid because both sides have 'pro' at the start.

Gary · Selina:I've laid out a line of fruit for you. / What is this? / It's the size of the baby in different stages during pregnancy. / It would take a brain about this size to think that shit's useful.

Selina · Cardinal Branzini · Gary:That is a gorgeous color on you, by the way. / Thank you. So where is the VP's thinking on this? / Thinking... There's a lot of numbers being thrown out. Speaking of numbers, there's over 30,000 tiles... / That's not really the kind of numbers I'm talking about.

Gary:The Anti... / no, the Anti-Abortion... / no, the Association of... it's in my phone. / Can you hear me? / Yes, I can. I can.

Gary:Get your shit together, Gary. You can do this. You can do this.

Gary · Selina:She was from the A-D-CCP. Sorry. / And who are they? / I'm not quite sure. / Oh. / It's in my phone.

Gary · Unknown:The new McCartney is worth checking out. / Right now, or can it wait? / It can wait.

Gary:Your right to choose, Amy.

Gary:At least you mentioned the book, ma'am. Your publisher is gonna be stoked.

Gary · Selina:Look what I got. Look what I got. / I got a special treat for you. / Gary, you are my angel of baked goods. / Well, every angel needs an archangel.

Selina · Gary:You are always gonna be my bodyman. / Yeah. / Especially when I'm president. / And I've got eight years of treats planned for you.

Gary · Selina:I can put this in balls. Little watermelon balls in a bowl? / Definitely not.

Gary · Selina:Don't put 'Oprah' on. You don't like that. / Mm-mm. / You wanna watch 'Top Chef'? / No. / How about 'Project Runway'? / No. / 'Survivor'? / Yeah.

Gary:Gary: 'Ma'am, outdoors risks rained-on hair and running mascara. Do you want to look like Alice Cooper?'

Gary:Gary delivers the firing: 'We have to... we have to stand you down, Alicia, for this event. We're not gonna need you.'

Gary:Gary: 'I'm angry too, I wanna kick my own ass. I'll do it for you. I've punched myself in the face before. I ran into a wall once.'

Selina · Gary · Alicia:Alicia: 'When is the walk again?' / Gary: 'Three weeks from today.' / Selina to Gary: 'I really don't think I'm going to be able to make it. I'm so sorry.' / Gary: 'You guys were an inspiration.'

Alicia · Gary:Alicia asks for her coat back; Gary says 'I don't know' — implying Selina has taken it.

Selina · Gary:Gary, what are you doing? You look like a newborn giraffe.

Gary:He's rich, as in wipe-out-the-deficit rich.

Gary · Selina:No, ma'am, that's Ron Jeremy. / I know, he's a great actor. / He was Scar in 'The Lion King.' / That was Jeremy Irons. Ron Jeremy is a porn legend.

Gary · Selina:College kids made it — it's a comedy thing where they represent you as meat and act out news stories. / It's making fun of our website, which is 'MeetMeyer' — M-E-E-T... / Oh, that's me. What is the site, 'Meeting Meyer'?

Gary · Selina:Some college kids made it, ma'am. It's a comedy thing where they represent you as meat and act out news stories. It's making fun of our website, 'MeetMeyer'...

Selina · Craig · Gary:Smartch shows pornographic content instead of MeetMeyer — 'Now I'm getting fucked harder that way.'

Amy · Gary:I vote we tape Gary's mouth closed. / I did not say anything.

Selina · Gary:Do you think this is appropriate? 'Cause when you do that to the vice president, this is what happens! / [Gary crashes/injures himself]

Gary · Selina · Kent · Amy:I've got to confess, ma'am, I've been in a lot of pain lately. It's my shoulder. The masseuse at the hotel this morning told me to take it easy... / It was a masseuse. / That makes total sense now. / Who did you think it was? / Kent, it was a masseuse. / Ah... masseuse. I buy that.

Gary · Selina · Kent · Amy:Why else would I invite a man into my hotel room? / Well... / Nothing. / Why are you looking at me like that? / Like what? / Nothing. It's a free country. / I know it's a free country. / I had a cousin like that. / Not to split hairs or anything, but it was a man. So, technically, it's a masseur, not a masseuse. / Right. / Whatever makes you happy. / It doesn't matter. / I don't understand what's... / Whatever makes me happy? / It's complicated, isn't it?

Gary · Mike:Gary is washing Icy Hot out of his shirt in the office dryer. Mike emerges from a bathroom stall with a suspicious bag. Gary: 'Is that bag full of your fluids?' Mike: 'Not the whole bag. A specimen cup full of little Mikes.'

Gary:Gary: 'Jesus, Gary, grow up.' — said TO Gary by Gary, responding to Mike's revelation

Gary · Doctor:Gary at the doctor. Doctor asks if his bag is 'integral to his job.' Gary: 'That's classified information.'

Gary · Doctor:Doctor: 'You need to get a new job.' Gary: 'Someone around here needs to get a new job, and it ain't me.' (chuckles to himself)

Gary · Selina:Gary to Maddox while fishing: 'That's a nice cast... right out into the center of the water.' Selina (under her breath): 'Shut up.'

Gary · Selina:Gary: 'I'd hate to be a fish in your river.' Selina: 'Shut up.'

Selina · Gary:Selina to Gary in private: 'Can I be a complete fucking bitch?' Gary: 'Please don't talk about yourself that way.'

Mike · Gary · Group:Mike: 'So everybody knows that I was in there masturbating into a cup now?' Gary: 'No, I was the only one who knew, Mike.' Everyone: 'We all know now.'

Selina · Dan · Gary:Selina learns Jonah is Maddox's entourage. Selina: 'Tell Dan he needs to find Jonah now and poach him.' Dan and Gary: 'What?' Group: 'Jeff Kane is Jonah's uncle?' Dan: 'Oh, no!'

Gary · Mike:Gary: 'I feel all floaty. What's this one called?' Mike: 'It's a boilermaker.' Gary: 'A boilermaker!' (laughs) 'I'm a Prosecco man.' Mike: 'I wouldn't spread that around, Gary.'

Gary · Mike:Gary: 'I carry around Selina's big, heavy bag of her tampon bullshit.' (laughs) 'The doctor told me to get another job.' Mike: 'You need to get another doctor.'

Gary:Gary: 'Gigolo!' (echoing Amy's insult with delight)

Kent · Amy · Ben · Gary · Mike:Kent's plan: 'We should throw your expired cum at Jonah's door.' Group chants: 'Let's throw cum! Let's throw cum!' Mike: 'Amy, no, no... that's my DNA!'

Gary · Selina · Amy:Whoa, don't look now, but nine o'clock, ex-hubby. — You see that tie? It's hideous. — Horrendous. — Suits him. — Yeah, it does.

Selina · Gary:She was a vicious bitch and a fuckin' drunk. — Yep. — But that's sad news.

Gary · Selina:Okay, remember her husband fondled your left breast? What do you think, I'm gonna forget that? I've got a thumbprint there.

Reporter/aide · Gary · Minna:Minna Hakkinen. The Finnish Fox! — Wolf. — What? — It's 'wolf.' — Oh. Thank you, Gary.

Gary:Just so sad. I hate murder.

Ray · Gary:Gotta get my oil. — Oh! I love the oil. — Sandalwood or chamomile? — Wood, please. I'll do the wood.

Dan · Gary:Gary's confessional: 'So, Gary, you know how when a trainer and a vice president love each other very much?' — They're having sex. — Oh, you know. — Yeah, I figured it out. — I mean, look at him, you know? Look at her. My God.'

Gary:Give me your fuckin' gun! I'll shoot his balls off!

Gary:I should have done more. I'm so sorry. I should have just flung myself in front of you.

Gary · Selina · Andrew:Okay, everybody is very tired, it was a long day. Nobody likes sex, let's disperse. There is a jazz trio downstairs that's fantastic. — Who likes jazz? — I love jazz. — Kenny G can blow the storm up. — Great. I was talking about the others.

Minna · Selina · Gary:There is on your team a leaking gentleman. I don't know his name, but he is like in central Europe there is a bad companion for Santa Claus. Here he comes on Christmas and, if the children are naughty, he takes away the presents. — Rudolph. — No, no.

Minna · Gary · Selina:Good night, my room is just next door. I want for your comfort to make you aware that today I purchased ear pligs. — Ear plugs. — Oh, ear plugs. Okay. — Not every country likes to eavesdrop. — Yes. It's a joke. — Yeah, it's a good one. — No, we got it.

Selina · Gary:Yeah, but he's on my good side. — I need to be on that side. — No, that's your good side. — Why can't you ever remember what my good side is?

Gary · Gun show attendee · Selina · Catherine:Someone's face is on a T-shirt. Are you kidding me? — I wish my daughter could bust heads like you, young lady. — Is that my face? — Yeah, it is.

Gary · Selina · Amy:She is not gonna like that. — She's an adult. — Are you talking about Catherine or Selina?

Peter Mitchell · Gary · Selina:Gary, what do you think? [Gary clearly panics] Gary likes to keep his cards close to his chest. [Gary] No, please, do share. I'm just 'collecting data.'

Gary · Selina:I think it's very nuanced. And I think there's a lot of different sides to a lot of different topics that are out there that I think we could spend some time... Gary, I need that lipstick.

Mike · Gary:Madam out there hobnobbing, us here in the servants' quarters. It's like 'Downton Abbey.' 'McClintock, Lady Selina wishes to eat a Cornish pasty in the paddock this evening. Post-haste, you bugger!' / I love that voice. It makes me feel inadequate and horny. The dream.

Dan · Gary · Mike:Well, she's gonna drink it and she's gonna smile, Gary. / I've got some peppermints. / I've got digestive enzymes.

Gary:You're gonna look so stunning at the war service, ma'am. Those guys are gonna wish they weren't dead.

Selina · Ray · Gary:The 'or nothing at all' / hat scene implied sexual encounter between Selina and Ray — played entirely through innuendo and Selina closing the door on Gary.

Gary · Amy:What's the code you put before the number? / 0-0-1, U.S. / I just have her name, so I need to memorize the number before I put the codes in.

Gary:Ma'am, the House of Commons voted to censure U.S. data monitoring activities. Huh? And there's five fat kids outside dressed as Satan.

Selina · Gary:Who knows about this? / Uh, me, Amy and Mike. / Okay. / And Ben, Kent and Sue. Everybody. / Everybody pretty much knows, ma'am.

Gary · Selina:The First Lady has attempted to take her own life. / Oh... what?! / How? / Overdose of sleeping pills and vodka. / That's why POTUS sent for Ben.

Selina · Gary:Really makes you put your own problems into perspective. Doesn't it? Seriously? / It does. / Although your problems are still pretty bad. / Yeah, they are.

Gary:I never knew you had so much neck. I mean that in a good way. I think necks are neat.

Gary:Ma'am, this is the haircut that your head has always wanted, but was too afraid to ask for.

Gary · Selina:Gary and Selina complete each other's sentence: 'Everything about it says... / Tomorrow.' / '...tomorrow.'

Selina · Gary:The president will not stop calling. I just can't seem to get him out of my hair. / Ma'am? / Did you notice? / You have a new haircut.

Gary · Selina:And a twitch. / What? / I thought I was just feeling it. You actually saw it? / It's really, really, really tiny.

Gary:Not at all. [re: seeing the twitch]

Gary · Furlong · Mike:The elfin look is in right now. I was reading about it. / People don't elect elves, okay? They put them to work in grottos or they get them drunk at frat parties so they can toss them. / Okay, that's dwarfs.

Gary · Furlong · Mike:Do you really think it's too short? / Yeah. She looks like k.d. lang. / Think of all the lesbian jokes we're gonna have to suffer. 'Strap-on Selina,' 'Selina Navratilova,' 'fingering the dyke.'

Selina · Gary:I don't think I like the three Rs, you guys. / I like them. / You do? / Okay, yeah. I like them, then. I like 'em.

Amy · Gary · Selina:She can't practice not having the twitch. / She can practice that. It's called 'muscle memory.' / This is gonna be on television. / What about Botox?

Gary · Maddox:Sir, might I say, you look very presidential. / Get me some fruit, some mango.

Amy · Selina · Gary:The twitch is back. / The twitch is back, yeah. I cannot believe it. / No, that's in the past and you have to go forward. / Oh, my God. Twitchy is back. / Shit!

Amy · Gary · Selina:You don't want to go Nixon on us. / You can turn sideways. Twitch, smile, turn. / And the three Rs. / I have the three Rs. / 'Reform, reaffirm, renew.' / No, 'renew.' / That's what I just said, renew.

Gary · Wendy:We are so excited about the Veep's new look, Wendy. We think it's young — makes her look younger, but it's age-appropriate, I feel. / Nice to see you, too, Gary.

Gary:People are being so critical, Wendy. I mean, they think she looks like a lesbian. Shit! I didn't just say that. I'm sorry.

Selina · Gary · Wendy:She just said the opposite of what you said. / No... / Yes. / You can't use that. Please don't use that. / You just gave me a good scoop on Ray.

Gary · Mike:Hello, Mike. / I just told Wendy that Ray picked the hat, but then Selina said that he didn't, so now Wendy knows that Selina's lying. / I'm sorry, Gary. You lost me at 'Hello.'

Gary · Mike:Are you guys fighting? Please don't fight. / Gary, get the hell out of my marriage. / Okay, got it.

Gary · Kent:Holy crapcakes! They're loving her. / I know. It seems every time she says 'repel,' she attracts more voters.

Gary · Amy:Well, thank God for Twitchy. He really saved us. / I love that little guy. / Now he's got to convince everyone the three Rs don't stand for 'racist,' 'right wing,' and 'racist.'

Gary:I wouldn't say 'repel' is a strong word. It can mean also 'to push away gently with respect.'

Selina · Gary:I'll look like Gary here. / Thank you. / Mm-hmm.

Dan · Gary · Selina:The crate reveal — Gary opens a box within a box to reveal a reinforced speaking crate, injures himself, Selina delights in it

Gary · Dan:Oh, my God. It's like this thing is glued to the ground, Dan. / Just try to make it look like a regular crate, Gary, not Thor's hammer.

Selina · Mike · Gary · Amy:The team discovers Quincy's phone has been recording — panic ensues. 'It knows too much.' / 'Let's just throw it in the toilet.' / 'And say what, Mike?'

Gary · Quincy:Mr. Carter, hi. Gary Walsh. I just wanted to say I'm a big fan. / Oh, thank you. You are from the South. I hear it in your voice. / I am. Alabama. / I just need to retrieve my cell phone. / You can't go in there at the moment, I'm sorry. / Why not? / I don't know. / ... / Matters of state? / I don't know.

Selina · Gary:Um, I'm gonna be president. / Of course you are. I mean, there's always hope, ma'am. / No, no, no, no. I mean, um... POTUS is gonna resign... and I'm about to become president... of America!

Gary · Selina:When I get excited, my nose bleeds. / What? / When I get excited, my nose bleeds! / Well, that's good.

Selina · Gary:Gary, there's... there's no toilet paper. / Go in my bag. / What? / Go in my bag.

Selina · Gary:Wait, what... what is this for? / [mystery object from bag] / Oh, shit. That looks bad through here. / Stick these in your nose. / Shove these up there. That'll do the trick.

Selina · Gary:Why is there a bicycle book? Gary, seriously, why... / I love bicycles.

Selina · Gary:And, Gary... / Yeah? / I need you to stay.

Gary:It's my greatest joy just to stand by her every day, just to be by her side.

Reporter · Gary:Does she often leave you behind? / No, this is the first time.

Kent · Gary:Kent and Gary fighting over office space in the West Wing, with Gary arguing 'That's my calculator' and Kent: 'You don't need an office. You have a bag.'

Gary · Selina:Gary has been carrying special shoes for Selina since a New York promise years ago — she doesn't remember making the promise.

Selina · Gary:Selina's shoes squeak loudly throughout the entire inaugural address. Visual/audio gag: every step produces a loud mouse-toy squeak.

Gary · Selina:Gary weeps audibly during Selina's inaugural address. Selina shoots him an irritated look mid-speech.

Gary · Secret Service / aide:President needs the bag. / Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, sure. / She only needs the bag. / Okay, it's not that simple. Hey, hey, hey, easy. You're holding it wrong. You're holding it wrong.

Gary:Do you know what? I have never looked at her from this angle. And she still just radiates... okay.

Gary:It's like Colombian tongue sex.

Jonah · Gary:Vampires! / God, stop! / If I was a ninja, you'd be dead right now. That's a life lesson courtesy of Jobi-Wan Kenobi.

Gary · Selina:Actually, let me take these glasses out. / It looks like you have a penis. / What? / Which you can totally pull off if you had... if you had to.

Gary · Dan:Gary: I have her glasses. / You should not have those. / Why have you blinded the president, Gary?

Gary:They were ruining the line of her dress and... / Mr. Walsh. / No one hates me more than I hate myself.

Gary:Okay. (knocks) Ma'am, I know you need to be alone right now. It's just that these sign-offs... I'm just... I'll just leave 'em.

Gary:If anybody doesn't know the difference between a valance and a jabot, I really need you to leave.

Gary:Did we get these from a homeless man's grave? They're molesting my eyes.

Gary · Amy:I wanted her first state dinner to be really nice. So you what? Hired strippers?

Selina · Gary · Catherine:[Catherine attempts to smile for the camera; Selina recoils] / That's not good. / You're flaring your nostrils.

Gary:You got to make sure she has height here. A lot of volume because her skull is low. It's kind of indented.

Gary:God, I hope you don't have any allergies, though, 'cause these centerpieces are kind of imposing, aren't they?

Gary · Selina:When's Catherine's birthday? / June eighth. / Ninth. / Which senator's daughter is in rehab? / You're out of line, missy. / Geldray. / What are you wearing tomorrow? / I don't know. / I do.

Gary · Selina:When's Catherine's birthday? / June eighth. / Ninth. / Which senator's daughter is in rehab? / You're out of line, missy. / Geldray. / What are you wearing tomorrow? / I don't know. / I do.

Gary:I'm your calendar, I'm your Google, I'm your Wilson the volleyball.

Gary · Selina:Can you find somebody else who did what I did? / You mean on Labor Day? / I didn't say that. / Yeah, you did. You just did. You j... you just said Labor Day.

Gary · Selina:Can you find somebody else who did what I did? / You mean on Labor Day?

Gary · Selina:That looks good. / Yeah, it's... It's light sponge. / Would you like a piece? / Okay, I'll have a piece, I guess.

Selina · Gary:That looks good. / Yeah, it's... It's light sponge. / Would you like a piece? / Okay, I'll have a piece, I guess. / Yes, ma'am. / It's light sponge. / You just told me that. / Mm-hmm.

Gary · Selina:It's light sponge. / You just told me that.

Selina · Gary:Geldray's daughter is in rehab? / Yes. / That explains all that energy. / Lot of energy.

Selina · Gary:Can you pull me out the second it becomes acceptable to leave? / Mm-hmm.

Gary · Selina:I always feel like the ruching on this one really accentuates your figure. Okay, you're right. Let's go with that.

Gary:It's like my mom's cat. The president is just trying to help children.

Mike · Gary:Maybe because, Gary, we ruined a girl's life. Negative, negative, negative.

Gary:They loved it, ma'am. You were like a rock star. Not Sting. Kurt Cobain. Well, not him.

Dan · Selina · Gary:Girl in the writers' room for the joint sessions speech. She was also at the rally tonight. Sci-fi Sally something. Ellie? Chloe. Marie. Claire. It's Lee. Gary is right, her name is Lee and she is a fine staffer. I see splashes of myself in her. I now regret that phrase.

Selina · Gary · Kent:No, fuck it, cheese. Oh. Uh, ma'am... Look, Kent, I'm sorry, but Chloe's got to go. It's not Chloe, it's Lee. And anyway, it's not Lee, it's Catherine.

Gary:Ma'am, cheese is on its way. Here's an interim banana.

Selina · Gary:Gary, am I? You're parenting. Yeah, well, too, I might add.

Gary:That photo of you with the kids will play great. Oh, it was so good. Yeah. It was like earth mother meets foster parent with a hint of girl next door.

Gary:Oh, God, I meant southeast gate.

Aide · Gary · Mike:Where's the woman who changed world politics? — She's taking a piss. / She's freshening up.

Selina · Gary:Hey, you know what you are? — What? — You're an amazing man. — Thank you. — And you know what amazing men get? — What? — Two-day weekend. — This weekend? — Yeah. — I'm going to the cottage with Wendy!

Selina · Gary · Aide:What kind of wood is this table? — I don't know. Let me check. — I think it's ash. — Uh-uh. — I'm gonna redo my kitchen.

Gary · Jonah:It's transgender, actually. — Thanks for killing my joke and then mutilating it.

Selina · Gary:Gary, I want some champagne. — Ma'am, we're in a tea totalitarian state.

Gary · Selina:I put the champagne in the water bottles. — You don't have to explain. I can tell what you did.

Gary · Selina:He needs deodorant. — Uh-huh.

Selina · Leon · Gary:Did you just say you do want something to eat? — Yes, thank you. — You do? — Oh, is that food? — No. It's a... It's deodorant.

Gary · Leon:Wow, two weeks detained. — That is hard. — I was in a hotel, so it wasn't that bad.

Gary · Mike:Hey, that's Air Force One. — Oh, my God. What the hell is happening? — Why are they leaving us? — Are we at war? — Is it here? Sweet Jesus. — No, it can't be. It can't be. — Oh, sweet Jesus. — Stop saying Jesus. Stop it!

Mike · Gary:Plane's broken. We can't take off. They said it's gonna be a week until they get the part. — Jesus Christ, the Chinese can 3-D print a hundred houses in that time.

Mike · Gary · Mike:We need to get on the press plane. — The press hates us, especially you. — They can't stand you. — We have booze, Gary. — And they have a crippling dependency. — What, is this gonna work? — In a dry country, the man with all the booze holds the cards.

Gary · Selina:Did you rest? — I slept like a drugged log.

Gary · Selina:I'm not snacking. I'm on my diet. — It's a celery stick. — All right, it's a cookie. — I've had dates every day. — You know dates are a dessert?

Gary · Selina:Gary suggests asking Doyle back — everyone stares. Gary then suggests Maddox. 'Everybody stop having ideas.'

Tom James · Gary:Tom James arrives at the door: 'Room service.' — Gary nearly has a heart attack

Tom James · Gary:Tom: 'I could murder and make a lampshade out of a Manhattan.' (All laugh) Gary immediately: 'I would like something to drink. Bourbon, neat.'

Selina · Gary:Selina dismisses Gary to get bourbon, then tells him to go straighten her room — two separate menial tasks in quick succession while Tom James watches

Gary:You don't have the cheekbones for depression.

Jonah · Gary:Gang? Did you all have tattoos? How did you get into this gang? Did you have to kill a guy? You could pardon yourself now.

Gary · Secret Service:Shouldn't we be on an elevator to a secret bunker by now? There is no elevator or bunker. Why isn't there an elevator to a secret bunker?

Gary:I saw him! The guy. I was face-to-face with him and I was like, 'Back off, man. Don't mess with this.' I have got so much adrenaline in me. Can you get me a coffee? An Irish coffee.

Selina's friends · Selina · Gary:You're eating ice cream? Really? She's eating ice cream, Gary? I mean... I just had a bite.

Sue · Selina · Gary · Staffer:Ma'am, intruder in the grounds. God, another one? You've got to be shitting me. No, Gary, it's the same one. He's doing a victory lap.

Gary:Gary bribes his nephew with a $20 to forget he saw them, then immediately walks it back to 'just water'

Gary · Amy:'Paint something.' / 'I don't even paint my own nails, Gary. A Vietnamese lady does that.'

Dan · Gary:'For one reason only.' / 'Loyalty?' / 'Money.'

Gary · Dan:Gary accidentally reveals Ben is involved by reacting to Dan's guess

Selina · Gary:Selina sick in bed, surrounded by empty tissues, trying to watch election news with flowers blocking the TV

Gary · Selina:'No, no, let me get that, you sweet little invalid.' / 'I'm not an invalid. I'm completely fine.'

Selina · Gary:'God, Gary, I wish to Jesus that you had gotten this flu instead of me.' / 'Oh, my God, me, too. Me, too.'

Gary:'And that is a Gary Walsh executive order.' — Gary asserts authority over a napping POTUS

Gary · Selina:Gary produces a footstool and Selina immediately feels better

Kent · Gary:The competing memos about whether Kent or Gary has authority over Selina's schedule — 'When was yours sent?' / 'When was yours sent?' / 'I asked you first.'

Gary:'So it's kind of like sinnitus.' — Gary's pun on 'sin' and 'tinnitus'

Gary · Ben:'I'm the linchpin. I could go to jail!' / 'Shut up!' / 'No, you shut up. You shut up. And I will also shut up first.'

Gary:'Listen, Sue, I'm involved with some stuff here. Scary stuff like take it to your grave kind of stuff. And that's the way I like it.'

Gary · Selina:Gary accidentally tells Selina everything about the conspiracy while trying to find out how much she knows

Gary:'Listen, Ben, you've got to do something. I don't want to be a bagman for the toughest guy in D block.'

Gary · Selina:Gary trying to end the team talk: 'Tom. Tom.' / 'Shut up, Gary.' / 'Shut... mm-hmm.' / 'I do the team talks, okay?'

Selina · Gary · Others:Temperature disagreement: 'I'm cold.' / 'It's actually about 110 in here.' / 'You could grow tomatoes in here.'

Richard · Selina · Gary:Richard insisting on introducing himself to the president: 'I brought him also, ma'am. Richard Splett.' / 'She already knows who you are. You can go.' / 'No, no, no. Not you. Not you.'

Gary · Staffer:America doesn't just love you, ma'am, she is in love with you. / We've lost Kentucky!

Gary:Gary's 'Fuck!' reaction to Karen being Selina's invited friend.

Gary:At least it'd be somebody from our team, ma'am. I mean, that's good, right?

Gary:I didn't mean to make her cry.

Selina · Gary · Ben:It's a pimple that erupted during a very stressful time. / For the stress pimple? Ben gets those on his butt.

Gary · Selina:How's Zitzilla looking? / Angry. You been picking at it? / No. Ahem, well, maybe a little bit, but...

Selina · Gary:Oh, that is so hot. / It's supposed to be hot. / And the tea is cold.

Selina · Keith · Gary:Keith, are you really not seeing what it is I'm seeing? / No, ma'am. / Gary, can you help me out here? / She smells completely different, so, you know...

Selina · Ben · Gary · Marjorie:Selina's staff reacting with pure joy to the Nevada recount news — jumping, laughing, Oh!-ing — while the new secret service agent stands impassively nearby

Gary · Selina:The pimple during the press conference — reporters and cameras focused on Selina's face as it becomes increasingly prominent, described by Gary: 'It's looking a little worse. Wherever you stand in the room, it's still looking at you.'

Gary · Selina:Ma'am, he said no irritants. / You're an irritant.

doctor · Selina · Gary:You're gonna feel a small... / Oh, no, we're not gonna do this. But thanks for coming. / Yes, ma'am. / Cold compress, Gary.

Gary:The president will be there shaking hands and thanking some of the volunteers for their hard work at some point in the near future. I'll get back.

Selina · Gary:Special or normal? / Well, they seemed normal, but I'll confirm.

Selina · Gary:Fuck am I supposed to do with this? / It'd be nice for your library.

Selina · Gary:The extended 'banking task force' exchange as a thinly veiled desire for another meeting with Charlie Baird.

Gary · Selina:Ma'am, if you want, I can arrange a more discreet banking task force. / I don't want that kind of banking task force. I want the banking task force that I want.

Gary:Actually, I told him something similar to that, but he's most insistent.

Selina · Gary:Hey, I'm gonna be president, so I can go take a shit in the Rose Garden if I want to. / We used to call that a Jimmy Carter.

Gary · Charlie Baird:You come from a big family, do you? / I do come from a big family. I do, I do, I do. / (LAUGHS) It's actually just me. I'm an only child.

Gary:Oh, so soon?

Gary · Selina:'There's a new stegosaurus.' / 'That's not my problem.'

Gary · Selina:There's a new stegosaurus. / That's not my problem.

Selina · Gary:Just all of this just screams Grace Kelly. / I know. / I don't like my eyes, though. / What? / Yeah, I feel like I've got two diaper bags underneath. / No, no, no, no. I don't think... / Oh, God. / I need my ring.

Gary · Charlie Baird:Gary explaining he's 'a key member of the Meyer administration' to get a seat at Baird's dinner table

Gary · Jonah:He just seemed like the same old Bob to me. / Ma'am, this morning he told me the Jews cause hurricanes.

Gary · Unnamed guest:'You have a card?' / 'No, just a bag.' — Gary at the charity dinner

Bob · Gary · Selina:Bob at the restaurant soup counter: 'What kind of soup do you have today?' / 'What kind of soup is on your mind?' / 'What is today?' / '...It's Thursday.' / 'Thursday? Navy bean. So delicious.'

Gary · Staff member · Another staff member:She's been at death's door like five times. She's like that guy... / Lazarus. / Rasputin.

Gary · Selina · Amy:Ma'am, Amy's calling. / Ame, hi. What's going on? / Ma'am, I'm so, so sorry. / What? What happened? / Your mother. I read on HuffPo that she was in the hospital.

Gary · Monica · Selina:I just want to say my wife is obsessed with your spiced eggnog. We drink it year-round. / It makes a really yummy ice cream. / Shut up.

Selina · Gary:Do you pray? / A lot. / What do you pray for? / You, you know...

Gary · Selina · Gary · Selina · Gary · Selina · Gary · Selina · Gary · Selina · Gary:O Lord God, it's me, Selina. / Grant me wisdom and strength. / Give us Your comforting presence... I've got it now. / Lord God, please ease my mother's pain and suffering. / Yes, Lord. Yes, Lord. / Ease her passing. Ease it all. / Yes. / Ease it down the... / ...the... / Lord, let her daughter, Thy humble servant, be the first woman elected President of the United States. / Please, this is so much to bear. / Oh, it is, Lord. It is.

Selina · Gary:No, I mean actually lift me up 'cause my heel is stuck in this thing. / Yeah, I got it.

Aide · Selina · Gary:The Nevada State Supreme Court issued a temporary stay of certification. The count will continue. / Oh, my prayer worked, right?! / Maybe.

Gary · Catherine · Selina:Oh, you know what? That would be a good story for the eulogy. / Mom, why would you want to paint Mee-Maw in such a negative light? / Oh, Catherine, Thomas fucking Kinkade couldn't paint Mee-Maw in a positive light.

Selina · Catherine · Gary:Mee-Maw blamed me for his death. / What? / I think that's probably your interpretation of it.

Selina · Gary:This China thing is like legacy material, right? / Nobel Peace Prize material.

Selina · Gary · Dr. Abernathy:A De-bagging? Is that what you just said? I thought you said tea-bagging. No, no, no. That's my department.

Gary:That would make you a baby.

Gary · Karen:Okay, she just had 10 years taken off her eyes. Well, I don't think they left yet.

Gary · Selina:Well, I have a bachelor's degree in hotel management from Cornell University. No, you don't.

Selina · Gary · Staffers:"Recession Has a New NAME: the Selina Slump"? / No. Gary, you have the machine? / Listen to this. / 'In a further sign of low morale'... / No, you've got to read it properly. / Nope, that's not it. / You've got to spin it. / Here we go. Why does it keep doing the turning?

Selina · Gary:"A high-level West Wing staffer was recently overheard calling the president the C word." / Can you believe this shit? / Yeah, this is broken, by the way.

Charlie Baird · Gary · Selina:How do you look so good with all this stress? You're glowing. You actually look younger. What did you do? / Oh, my God, he noticed. / What? / Uh, I have a new facial moisturizer. / And a new soap.

Gary · Selina · Charlie:Gary. / Yeah, I'll just stand over here. / Actually, I think... / I'll just leave the room. / Yes. / Yeah.

Gary · Amy · Ben:Gary. / It was me. I called the president the C word. / No, you didn't. / Really? / I was so mad about her not wearing sunscreen, which is stupid, and I was like, 'What an old crone.' / A what? / An old crone, Amy. / Gary, C is for cunt. / What? / We all called her a cunt. / Oh, my God! / What is wrong with you people?

Gary:Hey, ma'am, I know you made the right choice with Charlie because when you have found someone you love, who makes you feel special every time he talks to you and you can be happy just thinking about him, you know... / I mean, that's more important than anything, you know? / Yeah.

Selina · Gary:Uh... / What... / I wish Mother were alive. / 'Cause this definitely would have killed her. / You know how she was.

Gary:Rose hip tea, okay? Or I'm gonna 86 you.

Selina · Gary:Dirty. Just dirty and shady. Door. Door.

Selina · Gary:But what could O'Brien offer him that's better than the vice presidency? [beat] Literally anything.

Selina · Gary:Are you wearing cologne? A little. (SNIFFS) Smells like birdseed.

Gary · Congressional Father:Excuse me. Aren't you Gary Walsh? [congressional fan approaches Gary after hot list ranking] What did I do?

Selina · Gary:Gary's family, too. / Oh, thank you.

Monica · Gary:Popcornaments! / Someone's been reading my blog. / I just trademarked the word last week.

Gary:It truly shows the special mommy-daughter bond that you and I share.

Gary · Selina:Gary providing spy-briefing style personal intel on each Chinese official during formal introductions — 'He collects art. His son is a freshman at Georgetown. His favorite snack is freeze-dried strawberries.'

Selina · Gary:The gift exchange escalation — geode, wine from Napa, wine from New Zealand ('local to us and also close to Asia, which makes it local to you as we are all local friends')

Selina · Gary:The Hague pen re-gift — Selina presents Catherine's historic pen as the 'final gift' to the Chinese, having stolen it from Catherine's Christmas present.

Selina · Gary · Marjorie:The cashmere gift reveal — Selina gives Marjorie the gift she claims was 'stuck in security,' but it's clearly government-issue cashmere that 'feels like it was woven out of Catherine's silken hair.'

Selina · Gary:That's it. / Bono's gonna shit his sunglasses. / That is like some man on the moon legacy shit.

Gary · Minna:My God, Selina Meyer, the woman who freed Tibet. / Not... no, really, not free.

Selina · Gary:I'm gonna win a Nobel fucking Peace Prize, you guys. / Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! / Oh, sorry. Are you all right?

Catherine · Selina · Gary:And I'm turning it into a sanctuary for rescued farm animals. / What? / Rescued farm animals. / Yeah, I heard her. / I think it's inspiring, ma'am.

Catherine · Marjorie · Gary · Selina:Well, it won't be just goats. I mean, there's so much property that we were talking about all different kinds of animals. I mean, you could have ducks or... / Lame horses. / Pigs. / Potbellied pigs. / Emus. / Oh. / And we could have horses as well. / Okay. / We could have peacocks, too. / Can you do llamas? / Oh, yeah, we could have llamas. / Llamas. / Maybe a three-legged goat.

Gary:That's called hot in the pot... It's got chamomile and rose hips and some other little special ingredients that I'm not gonna tell you on camera.

Catherine · Gary:Um, my question was what's your take on the financial crisis. Oh. I just think they ran out of money. They should probably just print more. I don't know why it's been such a big issue.

Gary:God, I have no idea. What else am I gonna do? Go out and see the world? I don't even like looking out my window, so...

Gary:Hi, yeah, I'm trying to reach Charlie Baird. This is a friend of his, Gary Walsh. Oh, what's the... what is this concerning? Um, hanging out?

Gary:Whether we're in the White House or we're antiquing in Charleston or we're on the pink, sandy beaches of Barbuda...

Gary · Unknown Staff:'Are there any pictures where the president isn't yelling at me?' / 'As far as I can tell, no such picture exists in the known universe.'

Gary:'No, New Hampshire is just a fancy word for it's cold outside, so I don't shave my pubes.'

Gary · Unknown Staff Member:Gary's unhinged rant at Selina's staff after the loss: 'You fuckers. How dare you? That magnificent woman counted on you...' — someone calls him back to tell someone what's happening: 'Yeah, I got to call you back. Something amazing is happening.'

Gary:'Oh, shut up!' — Gary turns on the staff. 'You screwed her the worst. In all the ways.'

Gary:Gary: 'I know you make fun of me and I know that you think that I'm funny and I'm funny, ha, ha, ha. Well, at least I cared. I did my job! I fucking cared!'

Gary · Selina:'They can take away your presidency, they can take away your power, they can take away your dignity, but what is the one thing they cannot take away from you?' / 'My beauty.' / 'That's right. Let's go.'

Selina · Gary:Selina's goodbye speech to staff: 'Um... I don't know what to say.' Gary: 'Was I supposed to write something, ma'am? Nobody told me.'

Selina Meyer · Gary:President Stevenson encounter at Hughes library — Selina and Gary's panicked 'Oh my God' chorus upon seeing another former president

Gary · Selina Meyer:Gary produces a random purse claiming it's a picture of Selina he was tasked to find

Gary · Selina Meyer:Oh, my God. Supermodels are your height. / It doesn't matter. She's dead. Who cares?

Selina Meyer · Richard · Gary:Richard, you slow down. It'll look like I'm not running. Gary, you go fast. [beat] Oh, no, that's too fast.

Gary · Selina Meyer:Because you served less than one year? / No. Because nobody gives me any respect.

Selina Meyer · Gary:I was a two-term senator. I was a congresswoman. A mother. / No! I was the first woman vice president.

Selina Meyer · Gary:Never forget. / Oh, sorry, that's the Holocaust.

Selina Meyer · Gary:I need a monument to Selina Meyer. An institution. / Selina Meyer belongs in an institution.

Selina Meyer · Gary · Unknown staffer · Selina Meyer:Fuck Yale University. / Fuck Yale. / I'm not really comfortable with that kind of language. / Fuck Yale University.

Mike · Ellen (Mike's daughter) · Selina Meyer · Gary:Mike can't find his daughter Ellen — 'I'm here, Mike! I'm going to hide again!' / How the fuck long was that kid here for? / I think just since today, but I can't be sure.

Staffer · Selina Meyer · Gary:Also, estimates for construction are coming in at $300 million. / What? / The money's out there. We just can't get our hands on it right now.

Selina Meyer · Gary · Staffer · Selina Meyer · Staffer:Can we reallocate some of the money from the Meyer Fund to the library? / Absolutely, yes. / That's actually a felony. / So, we just tell them that we have it all... And then we just shuffle papers around until it looks like we actually do. / That's also a felony.

Gary:Not that it matters, but as a nephew of a survivor of the Holocaust... Sherman Tanz is particularly sensitive to prison conditions. And he is intimately involved with every aspect of his company. Now, that being said, he had no idea what was going on.

Gary:He immediately fired the number five man in charge as well as a couple of sixes.

Catherine · Selina Meyer · Gary · Selina Meyer:Marjorie and I are having a baby. / What? / This is wonderful, wonderful news. / Wait a minute, what? One of you is pregnant?

Gary:If Catherine's uterus is as loamy as the doctor says, you're gonna be a grand... ma'am.

Gary:Gary attacking Andrew — 'I will kill you in your face!'

Selina Meyer · Catherine · Selina Meyer · Gary:God, I'm really starting to understand this whole lesbian thing now. / Glad you're coming around. / I'm just getting drunk here on Gary's great bourbon from his inbred backwoods family. / What? There is zero inbreeding in my family. And only case of schizophrenia, but my uncle-grandpa had her sterilized, and we are all good...

Gary · Selina Meyer:Ma'am, you are unstable and manipulative, and I worry about the genes you'll pass down to your child... but your ex is worse. / I appreciate that. Means a lot.

Selina Meyer · Gary · Selina Meyer · Gary · Selina Meyer · Gary:You're like a son to me. / Thank you, ma'am. / You can call me 'Mom.' / Thank you, Mom. / Except, you know, it doesn't quite sound right, you know, when you hear it out loud. / So, let's just stick with the ma'am.

Staffer · Selina Meyer · Gary:Apparently, Andrew kept referring to his penis as the 'First Chubby.' / Oof. / Oh, God.

Gary · Selina Meyer · Gary:And both of your shoes are untied. / How did that happen? / I got one theory.

Selina Meyer · Gary:I'm the only one who didn't do anything wrong in this 'trifuckta.' And now I'm wearing the scarlet letter? / Oh, that is your color.

Gary · Selina:Your bidet is splashy and there's no terry cloth robe or shower cap. / Wait, you tested my bidet?

Gary:Don't worry, I'm gonna fix this before tub time.

Mike · Gary:I accidentally voted and now my thumb is green. / The same thing happened to me! Oh, my God!

Gary:I went out to get a terry cloth robe and there was this crowd and I asked them where Nordstrom's was and then the next thing I know, they dyed my thumb and an old lady who smelled like cumin wouldn't stop hugging me!

Selina · Gary:Well, do I work for you? Just answer it. / Okay. / Right?

Gary · Selina · Mike:Please hold. It was an accident. / Mike voted, too, Mike voted, too. / What?! / I can't believe you! / Stop it. / You two ding-dongs look like you fingered the Incredible Hulk.

Selina · Mike · Gary:...seized by military elements loyal to Oleg Petradze. / Wait a minute, is that our guide? / I think that's the guy I voted for.

Selina · Unknown · Gary:Wow, that's like Gary becoming president. / From the tea party. / No. / Oh, yeah, that is funny.

Gary:I once lost my wallet in Denver

Selina · Gary:What, no massage? Gary, massage him. Mm-mm. Mm-hmm.

Gary · Selina:Oh, it's cnn.com. Oh, well, nobody looks at that.

Gary:Good news is without the tampons, it's gonna free up some space in my bag. Where are you gonna put yours?

Selina · Gary:Super left field? I mean, is that even a position? Mm-hmm, that was my position in Little League. I was a pitcher's helper.

Gary · Richard:Did I die? Is this heaven? Yeah, he keeps waking up and asking that

Selina · Gary:Just think... next year, you get to go to my library opening. And you get to buy my book. Can't you just give me a copy? Well, I can't be giving out free copies of the book 'cause think of the position that that would put me in.

Selina · Gary:You're only 40? And I'm gonna... I'm gonna have a party. In Alabama.

Gary:Whoo, that Montez is a Latin piece of ass

Gary:Yes, my roommates Stashelle, Lark, and Boosh

Gary:Peek-a-boo, peek-a-boo!

Gary:We share a studio in Hoboken. Your mom doesn't think you're pretty, but I think you're stunning.

Gary:I catch the 4:28 PATH... then I take the F to the 6, and then I do a quick jaunt, and I'm there in time to steep the tea

Gary:Your mom doesn't think you're pretty, but I think you're stunning.

Selina · Gary:Well, I can give them my actual abortion if I could find it lying around here somewhere. I'll check the freezer.

Gary · Selina:I cut up a chicken sandwich and I put it into pasta. What? Is this the chicken sandwich that was in the fridge before the hospital? Wow, and you left the bun on it when you cut it.

Gary · Selina:It's the bleu cheese. No, but there isn't any bleu cheese in it. You must be... starving yourself, though.

Gary:On the bright side, it's gonna be an amazing new exhibit at the Hughes Library

Gary · Selina:Have you tried ice cream? Ugh.

Gary:I thought that was Craig T. Nelson.

Gary:Dominoes.

Gary:That is not true. You have amazing calves.

companion · Selina · Gary:But with a better nose, of course. — Oh, stop it. — Okay, you know what? Why don't you just go ahead, though? — What? — Yep, good idea. You go ahead.

Selina · Gary:It sends a 'Po-ent' message... — Potent.

Selina · Gary:She has such wonderful hair. — Oh, luxurious.

Selina · Gary:Gender is simple! Right. You're a girl, I'm a boy. Well. Hey, what about some of that lezzy stuff?

Selina · Amy · Gary:Or I could go and I could see him in person. — No, no, no, no, no, no. — You want me to go with? I can take notes. — Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. — No. Mm-mm.

Selina · Gary · Mike:Oh, my God, why did I have to fuck the last remaining gentleman in Washington? — God! — Who said that? Was that Dolley Madison? — It was James Madison.

Selina · Richard · Gary:Richard, go and turn on CBS right now. — Hey, Tom James is on TV. — He looks good.

Interviewer · Tom James · Selina · Gary:Now, Senator, was President Meyer the aggressor? — Your word, not mine. — But again, yes. — I didn't rape him! — He wishes!

Gary · Selina · Amy:Do you want me to 69 him? — Oh, 86. — Yeah.

Gary:Nobody since Jackie has given as much for their country as you.

Gary:If Jackie Kennedy can go through the day with her husband's philandering brains all over her dress and her head held high... even though they made her ride around in a convertible like an animal, I might add...

Gary · Selina · Gary:you can go to the White House tomorrow and forget all about those 15 minutes where he couldn't even unzip the back of your dress. — Wait a minute, what? How do you know that? — It was in Mike's notes.

Selina · Gary:Look at this place. It is such a dump, isn't it? — Although, I have to admit I sort of miss it. — Aw, and it misses you, too. The one who got away. — And now she's back for her big day!

Selina · Gary:Are you wearing makeup? — No. — Yeah.

President Montez · Gary · Selina:There are so many things that I would like to say about the extraordinary woman who was my predecessor here at the White House. — Here comes the love! — Shh, I know. Shh. — But unfortunately, I have to return to the Oval Office to deal with the shutdown.

Selina · Gary · Mike:Yeah, that cow put the chair in the painting. — What chair? — The fucking chair in that painting is the chair that she made love to Andrew on. — I slept in that chair.

Selina · Gary · Mike:Yeah, that cow put the chair in the painting. — What chair? — The fucking chair in that painting is the chair that she made love to Andrew on. — I slept in that chair.

Selina · Gary · Jonah:At least Jonah wasn't here. — Hey, that's positive, see? — A lot of people are saying that I shut down the government. You're damn right, I did!

Gary · Selina:You coming to my birthday is what gave me the strength to get through that heart attack... and when I had my relapse. / You had a relapse? Oh, I thought you were just being lazy.

Selina · Gary:Hey, Gary, how come your family doesn't have a Mongoloid kid on the porch playing banjo? / 'Cause he grew up and moved to DC.

Gary · Judge:It's for the president. The president, Judge. / Oh, the president! / Yes. / Hey, I was just joshing with ya. I was joshing with ya. / Ah! I know, okay. / Don't tear up, now. / I'm not. / You'll ruin your mascara.

Imogene · Gary:Madam President, the two of you will be in separate bedrooms since you're not official yet. / Mama! / What? / Nope, nothing.

Imogene · Selina · Gary:It's not Gary's. It's his brother Bruce's. / Oh, I didn't know you had a brother. / Bruce was his stillborn twin. / He had a huge heart. / Missing all its valves, though.

Gary:The ghost is gone. / Hmm? / I mean, at least we think it's gone. Sometimes you hear crying, but that's usually just Mama.

Gary · Judge:What about my look and my makeup? I was thinking a smoky bronze eye. / God, don't you know that woman needs a pop of color? Classic red lip. That's what she needs.

Selina · Gary:You can't let your father talk to you like that. He's always interrupting you and insulting you. / You're absolutely right. I've got to... / You have to stand up for yourself, stupid.

Selina · Gary:You were passed out? / Yeah. / And he was standing over you? / Yeah. / [beat] / Did you have your pants on?

Gary:I skinned it and I made a fur vest and matching boots for my G.I. Joe doll.

Selina · Gary:And I think the birthday boy would like to say a few words. / Would you like to say a few words, Gar? / Gary, you wanna come up? / No.

Amy · Gary · Imogene:There's no food here, and the baby and I just got so hungry, and I need you to not be mad at me because I just... I just had... I had one bite. / [Gary arrives with a second plate of extra pork chops] / Imogene, not now. / I don't know who you are anymore.

Gary:Stewart, is that you?

Gary · Judge:Jesus, Mary, and Robert E. Lee, Gary! / You startled me. / What are you doing... / Whoa, whoa, whoa, no, no. You snooping on me? / No, I wasn't snooping... / Oh, and what are you doing? Did your lady boss send you down to get her 'tampoons,' did she? / No, that's not till next week.

Gary:Just shut up, Daddy! I am so sick of you lording over me how much you know about football and hair color and how much better dead baby Bruce is than me!

Gary · Selina:I know your secret. You are... you are a bully! / No, that's not it. / You're a big, fat, flaming bully! / And you know what, you can take Teddy and Bobby and Stewart and the other Bobby, and you can be their daddy! / Eh, getting warmer.

Gary · Judge Walsh:You are a bully! — No, that's not it. — You're a big, fat, flaming bully! — Eh, getting warmer.

Gary:Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna slow dance with Mama.

Gary · Imogene:There's so much I wanna say to you, Mama. / Well, we just won't say it.

Selina · Gary:Because I'm not going to apologize, you know? I would if I had something to apologize for, but I don't. / I certainly don't need to apologize for anything. / Okay, lookit, politicians borrow stuff all the time. / Personal stories? / Absolutely. / I mean, you should be honored that I would think your story was special enough to even consider using.

Selina · Gary:It's like what my daddy used to say. He used to say, 'If that story was like a horse, it'd be a unicorn. 'Cause it was magical.' / Oh. / Mm-hmm. / That's nice. / I did come all this way. / I know. / You know, like, a thousand miles or something, so... / I know. / I wish you'd be a little more grateful. / I'm sorry, I'm sorry. / That's okay. I accept your apology.

Selina · Gary:Ooh. What is this? / It's a children's portion, too. / No. / Yeah. / No wonder you had a heart attack when you were 39.

Gary · Selina:Get in there. Just tear that animal apart! / [Gary and Selina eat the ribs together, messy and enthusiastic] / You've got to admit I told it better, though. / Yeah, you did. You did.

Selina Meyer · Gary:Oh, and not to mention the topless beach. — I didn't see anything.

Catherine · Selina Meyer · Gary:Before you even ask, we have taken a break from sex, specifically penetrative sex. — She has a penis? — I don't know.

Selina Meyer · Gary:Did you put a towel or anything underneath her? Because, girls, this is imported French linen. — Maybe a waterproof tarp. — Yes, actually, or even a garbage bag, you know, in case she leaks.

Gary · Selina Meyer:Oh, it's Catherine's uterine tea. — Yeah, it's a broth of red raspberry leaf, black haw, and false unicorn root. — I hope that's going in your mouth.

Gary · Amy:I'm not mentioned in this book until page 134. — I once dry-shaved that woman's legs under her desk during a cabinet meeting. — Yeah, I'm not in there till 213, and I wrote the book.

Selina Meyer · Amy · Gary · other staffers:Who despises me like this?! — Well, there's President Montez, Tom James... — The White House maids, the steward. — White working class voters. — Nobody! — Everybody loves you! — Shut up!

Gary · other staffer:One of these days, she's gonna make that face and that eyeball of hers is gonna pop out and shoot across the room. — Yeah. Boing!

Selina Meyer · Gary:Can you stop blowing on my legs like that? — I'm drying the 'glow-tion.' — Don't use the word 'glow-tion.'

Selina Meyer · Amy · Gary:Guess who is interested, all of a sudden, in the Selina Meyer Presidential Library. — Shut up! — Andrew. — What? — Your ex. — No. Yale! — I thought you went to Smith. — No, it's in the book that you wrote. — Right, right, right, right.

Reporter · Selina · Gary:How come you never talk about your stay in Arizona? Oh, I love the Grand Canyon. That's not an answer. Look over here! Arizona? Yeah, it was a spa. It was just a spa.

Selina · Gary · Marjorie:You were here yesterday. That's right! They love you so much, they can't keep away. Ma'am, that was a month ago. Gary is humoring you.

Selina · Gary:Gary, are you sure that this isn't too much medication? People think we're married. I think it's the perfect amount.

Gary:Gary's response to the marriage comment: 'I think it's the perfect amount.' (referring to medication)

Selina · Gary:He's like a bald dog with a bone.

Selina · Gary:'The chicken, right?' — Selina confuses a decision about who runs the library with a previous chicken discussion

Gary:Hi, I'm Gary. Hi. I ground these myself. Okay. The hospital ones are so big.

Gary · Doctor Sengupta:Okay, Doctor... Sengupta. Gundupta. I'm gonna get you a cookie.

Gary · Selina:Gary's tactic: repeat the last two sentences Felix says back to him. Selina calls it 'idiotic.' Gary immediately demonstrates by repeating her exact words back.

Gary · Felix:Selina's aide repeating Felix's sentences back to him — 'It has been a delight, and you shall see me later. Thank you very much.'

Gary:Gary having a stomach upset, clearly having witnessed/encountered something disturbing, then immediately being sworn to secrecy — played entirely in reaction

Aide · Gary:Watching Selina's incoherent marshmallow speech: 'She's having a textbook aneurysm.' / 'Still looks like a goddess.'

Gary · Selina:Gary: 'How about a hot soak with a Laura Mercier bath bomb?' / Selina: 'Is it gonna explode between my legs and make me cum until I cry?' / Gary: 'I think it's peppermint.'

Selina · Gary:You know what else is huge, Amy? / Not even really showing.

Gary · Selina:Who? / Uh, that's not gonna work. He was lucky not to get dumped out of a pickup truck into a quarry.

Selina · Gary:My vision for when I die... / If you... / No, I am gonna die. / Mm... / More of a sort of a Princess Diana thing. But classy. But no Prince Charles. / Oh, yeah. He's worse than the mother.

Gary:Oh, yeah. [re: Prince Charles] He's worse than the mother.

Campaign staffer · Gary:The current version only asks for donations and, for some reason, deletes your address book. Technically, it's more of a virus. I had it but had to delete it because it was making my phone hot.

Selina · Gary:Where is that Fatty McFatty hiding today? She aborted her unborn fetus. [beat]

Selina · Jonah · Beth · Gary:Oh, look at this. Congressman Ryan! And this must be Mrs. Ryan. Or do you go by your maiden name: Mrs. Ryan? / Oh, either is fine. / No, ma'am, she's my half-sister. / Step. / Gary: She's his step-sister.

Selina · Gary:Can you make me a waxing appointment? I'm feeling patriotic. Full bald eagle.

Selina · Gary:I'm feeling patriotic. / Full bald eagle.

Gary:I have been working for you for 18 years without a promotion.

Selina · Gary:No talking! / No talking! / I'm hearing moving!

Gary:The president hates bagels — shh-shh-shh — and she can't even be in the same room with donuts.

Gary · Blake Stein:Mr. Walsh. This is your meeting. You're in charge. / Oh, I know. I know. I know. [pause] Of course. / Can I make anyone a plate?

Gary · Selina:Man: Outreach. Reaching out. / No.

Gary:I've never been more proud I taught that man to ejaculate into a cup.

Selina · Gary · Ben:Well, I can't think of any other reason. / Well, let's be honest. God had a lot to do with it, too. / Oh, sure! Yeah. It's a miracle. / Let's go spend twenty-five million dollars on some racist robo callers. / Praise the Lord. / Right?

Gary:I'm surprised they let you run for president, because you look thirty-four, tops.

Selina · Gary:Like Jodie Foster in John Hinckley's diary. / Oh, my God. I'm obsessed with her.

Selina · Gary · Ben:So who's in charge of the faith-based outreach now? / Not it. / You are. [...] And Keith Quinn'll help you out too, I think. / Yes, there you go. So, your name will be all over it. Like Jodie Foster in John Hinckley's diary.

Catherine · Gary · Selina:Shouldn't you be pre-chewing my mother's food for her? / I told her her eyes looked puffy. / Thank you, chipmunk. / You're welcome, Catherine.

Leon · Gary:You should flip through your NDA. If you breathe a word of anything, to anyone, we'll slit your throat. / Later, gator!

Selina Meyer · Gary:Gary, go find out where we are.

Selina Meyer · Gary:if anyone should be depressed, it's me, but I am stable as fuck. / Yeah, you are!

Staffer · Selina Meyer · Gary:Just show 'em your birth certificate. / While we're at it, why don't we show 'em my estrogen patch prescription and a Polaroid of my stretch marks? / You mean your wisdom stripes.

Selina Meyer · Kent · Ben · Gary:I have always been open and transparent about how old I am. / Yeah, 55. / I believe it's 53. / Late 40s. / You're all correct.

Selina Meyer · Gary:Gary, I need to switch out my estrogen patch. / Mm. Should I slip in a little swirl of progesterone for you? / You can surprise me.

Gary · Selina Meyer:I have your estrogen patch, if you'd like. / You wear it. Maybe you'll grow some hair on your vagina!

Selina Meyer · Gary:Did you take the coconut out of my muesli for tomorrow morning? / No. No. / And you know what you need to do? You need to use tweezers this time because I really thought I could taste your fingers.

Selina Meyer · Kent Davison · Gary:How much is left in that whole faith-space-- / Kent: Faith-based. / I spent it all on Bibles for the homeless.

Selina Meyer · Gary · Ben:You spent millions... / Yes, yes, I did. / ...on leather-bound hobo toilet paper. / Mmm. I hope they don't use the New Testament for that.

Selina Meyer · Gary:We have to find someone who can read Mandarin but have no idea what it means. / Like a brain-damaged Chinaman. / Or woman. / Or woman. Sorry. / Or the adopted child of someone with brain damage.

Gary:The menu has been an atrocity. The guests are vegan, and the president won't eat anything without a face.

Gary:She prefers the word 'spa.'

Minna · Gary:Selina, if you go to prison, you will not have your Gary to clean up after you. / OK, look-- / No, I'll be there.

Gary:Those sandwiches aren't gonna finger themselves.

Gary · Marjorie:I'm sorry. Who taught you to do a smoky eye? / Joint Special Operations Command. JSOC. / Aha. It's not bad.

Selina · Gary:I just wanna be president. / Do you want six almonds? / No!

Selina · Gary:Did we win? / Oh, yeah. I'm the president, and you're the First Lady. / Oh, we would crush it.

Gary:I'll whip the whips, ma'am.

Buddy Calhoun · Buddy Calhoun · Gary:God created men's rooms and women's rooms, not 'everyone rooms'. / I don't want to go into a bathroom and be next to a woman who is looking at my genitals. I want that person that I'm next to, to be a man, or, better yet, lots of men. / Glory, glory, hole-elujah.

Selina · Gary · Selina:I just wanna be president. / Do you want six almonds? / No!

Gary:White male, type 2 diabetes... also type 1.

Selina · Gary · Ben · Selina:Tom James. / Kent says he'll take it on tomorrow night's ballot. / I think this is it for me, too. / Oh, no. You're gonna be fine. You're gonna be good as new, and then we'll figure out my next move.

Selina · Buddy Calhoun · Selina · Buddy Calhoun · Selina · Gary · Selina · Buddy Calhoun · Selina · Buddy Calhoun · Selina · Buddy Calhoun:Governor, can I get an amen? / You can get an amen, and I'll throw in a hallelujah. / I love it. / And my endorsement. / Thank you, sir. Wonderful! / Wow. Yeah. / I think we're buddies now, aren't we? / Oh, yeah, very much. / Can you be a buddy with someone of the opposite sex? / Oh, well, under certain circumstances, yeah, we are. / Buddy up! Buddy up! / That's a great expression.

Jonah · Selina staffers · Jonah · Selina · Gary · Jonah:I want Richard to be Secretary of farm shit. / We're gonna have to fire Dan. / Why do you want to fire him? / Uh, just as a way of saying sorry for yelling at you earlier. / You know, feminism. / That sounds great. Fire Dan. He sucks.

Selina · Gary · Selina:Oh, well, if I had a dollar for every 'Mother, I will never forgive you...' / Bazillionaire. / Correct.

Andrew (Catherine's son?) · Selina · Andrew · Selina · Gary:Are you out of your fucking mind, Gram-Ma'am? / No. Oh, my God. Okay. / I will never forgive you for this! / Mmm? Yep. / Ka-ching.

Selina · Gary · Selina · Gary · Selina · Gary · Gary · Selina · Gary · Selina:Anyway, listen, it's kind of important, actually, and I would also say... / Okay, yeah. / That it's not easy... / Okay. / And it's kinda also not fair. / You want coffee from across the street? Yeah? / Ah! I got it. Little chia seed. / Nah. Never mind. Forget I ever said anything. / You look beautiful. / And you are a lifesaver.

Gary:You'd hate the flowers. / But I... / I brought the Dubonnet.