Mother

You know, Wendy and I have been meeting with surrogates. She is so excited about my sperm being in another woman. It's weird.

Why is my hair all spinning around and these things, like you, are doing nothin'?

Is it too late to turn them into oil derricks?

Again?

She's been at death's door like five times

It's just your toothy smile.

Looks weirder if you don't show your teeth.

Oh, call Kent.

Wait a second, that's the O'Brien nimrod from the recount table.

A fake protest. That is classic O'Brien. It's such a scumbag move.

Yep, I'll raid petty cash.

Amy, I thought you were talking about the recount. Don't ever, ever scare me like that again.

I'm sorry, is there a kettle or clothing steamer in here?

But I made sure he had nowhere to sit.

You brought a date. / I don't know her.

She's a smart one. You can maybe pick up something from her.

I just want to say my wife is obsessed with your spiced eggnog. We drink it year-round. / It makes a really yummy ice cream. / Shut up.

No, I definitely didn't give you that sweater. Not that color. No, I didn't.

She calls me 'Monnie.' Sounds like 'mommy.'

I mean, the campaign's over. I don't have to pretend to like country music anymore.

Mee-Maw's favorite song is whatever is playing in the background at Neiman Marcus.

Honey, if I wanted to talk to an unconscious person, I'd book myself on Charlie Rose.

She always wore dishwashing gloves when she gave me my bath. Which is why I don't do dishes. I just now realized that.

So she's not gonna bounce back?

It was just a cold sore, honey. I don't want to pay 40 grand for a herpes baby.

Yes... yes. I mean, a lot of people think that I'm Jewish, but that... no.

Our Lady... / ...of the Holy Womb... / ...of the Holy Womb. / ...Womb of Jesus.

There's not really a plug.

Oh, 'Stephen Hawking' here is indisposed, so I'll just...

I just needed to get a break from the Hindu Grim Reaper out there.

How is half a percentage point in the polls supposed to sweeten that shit biscuit?

if you will, a 'death bump.'

Well, that is some wild and heavy stuff. / Indeed. / Yeah. I got some real soul-searching to do.

I can turn around, ma'am.

They were in the card your wife sent me when my cat Fibonacci passed.

Jesus, lose the fucking badge, man.

What is that? What's 'totes'? / Totes, like all. Count all the votes.

18 to 34-year-old women are gonna be distracted by that. The only thing that women 18-34 are gonna do when they see you on camera is file a restraining order.

What do you pray for? / You, you know...

'O Lord God, it's me, Selina.' O Lord God. It's me, Selina...

Lord, let her daughter, Thy humble servant, be the first woman elected President of the United States.

No, I mean actually lift me up 'cause my heel is stuck in this thing.

Sounds like you shoplifted a bunch of vibrators.

Oh, my prayer worked, right?!

You pulled the plug without me? / It wasn't a plug. It was a ventilator tube that they just...

We got good news about Nevada. - Wait, what? - We got good news from Nevada. - Mom?

Thomas fucking Kinkade couldn't paint Mee-Maw in a positive light.

what it was like to be the only daughter of a pathological narcissist. I mean, all this woman did was criticize me or ignore me.

Really? Protesters? This country's just lost its sense of decency. - Well, they're animals. - No, no. Heavens, no. - They're well-wishers.

Oh, my goodness. I feel like a bride. A sad bride because, of course, this is a day of grief.

Oh, my goodness. I feel like a bride. A sad bride because, of course, this is a day of grief.

Did Eleanor Roosevelt eat pussy? / Oh, Jesus. / Did she eat pussy or did she just fingerbang her way down Pennsylvania Avenue?

Did she eat pussy or did she just fingerbang her way down Pennsylvania Avenue? Fuck my mouth. I'm doing it again.

Apparently our born-again surrogate is super against DNR, so when POTUS pulled the plug on MOTUS, she started having second thoughts.

Billy Joel is gonna sing.

You're gonna cancel this recount like Anne Frank's bat mitzvah.

though I think the DJ already spent the deposit.

Maybe I'll get assassinated.

So who's fisting the American economy while he's here?

How soon after meeting you did he ask you to invest in his latest venture? - 17 seconds. - Really? - I timed it.

Some can't-lose scheme about the third largest hotel chain in Brazil. / 'Can't lose.' / Can't lose. / Got to see if I still have my wallet.

When do you have the time, then, Mom? When? Because you don't like Tim McGraw, then nobody is supposed to like Tim McGraw. Catherine, you are forbidden from saying the words 'Tim McGraw' ever again.

Unbelievable. Mee-Maw was so right about you.

They're into ass play? No, they have a gift for sensing prevailing political winds.

They're wet-fingered. / They're into ass play?

We lost the popular vote. / Oh, God.

My mother had a good piano.

I have lost... so much.

Catherine, play the Tim McGraw thing.

your mother decided to leave the bulk of her estate to Catherine. / The bulk?

I hated my father.