Selina rushes to the hospital while attempting to win the presidency. Amy and Dan discover the O'Brien camp has staged a fake protest, and task Jonah and Richard with organizing their own pro-POTUS demonstration. Mike and Wendy meet with a potential surrogate.
Selina's maternal chaos drives 71 jokes in 29 minutes—character comedy at peak dysfunction.
Directed by Dale Stern · Written by Alex Gregory, Peter Huyck
WAR
138.8
Wins Above Replacement
“Mother” ranks #18 of 65 Veep episodes on the Humor Index, scoring 94.8 — Elite. The episode packs 91 scored jokes at 3.1 per minute, averaging 7.5 on craft and 7.5 on impact, with Selina landing the most laughs. Every joke is ranked below with its individual craft and impact scores.
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Top Jokes
Selina: I can't. I can't. / Catherine, play the Tim McGraw thing.
Selina Callback Character Comedy Running Gag ★ Rewatch Callback Selina: I'm sorry. It's just all sort of hitting me right now. / I have lost... so much.
Selina Dark/Subversive Irony/Sarcasm ★ Rewatch Callback Kent: There is a possibility of a shorter-lived, but numerically greater outpouring... if you will, a 'death bump.'
Kent Deadpan/Understatement Dark/Subversive ★ Rewatch Selina: You're gonna cancel this recount like Anne Frank's bat mitzvah.
Selina Dark/Subversive Setup/Punchline ★ Rewatch Amy · Nevada official · Amy · Amy: Oh, Jesus. Oh, God, I'm sorry. It's the way we talk in the White House. I'm not even aware I'm doing it anymore. / Wow. I mean, you seem so... and then... / Hey, it may not even be true. / Did she eat pussy or did she just fingerbang her way down Pennsylvania Avenue? / Fuck my mouth. I'm doing it again.
All Jokes — 91 analyzed
Show all ↓ Hide ↑ Mike: Wendy and I have been meeting with surrogates. She is so excited about my sperm being in another woman. It's weird.
Mike Character Comedy Observational Selina: Why is my hair all spinning around and these things, like you, are doing nothin'?
Selina Character Comedy Observational Selina: Is it too late to turn them into oil derricks?
Selina Irony/Sarcasm Character Comedy Aide · Selina: Your mother's in the hospital. / What? / It looks like a stroke. / Again?
Gary · Staff member · Another staff member: She's been at death's door like five times. She's like that guy... / Lazarus. / Rasputin.
Selina: After I lost my first election for state senate, Mother says to me, 'Well, it's not your fault. It's just your toothy smile.'
Selina Character Comedy Dark/Subversive ★ Rewatch Staff member · Selina · Another staff member: Oh my God, I love your smile! / That's not the point. / Looks weirder if you don't show your teeth.
Selina: Oh, call Kent. [cuts immediately to ballot hearing]
Selina Reaction Beat Irony/Sarcasm Ben · Selina: Jesus, an electoral protest? / A fake protest. That is classic O'Brien. It's such a scumbag move.
Gary · Selina · Amy: Ma'am, Amy's calling. / Ame, hi. What's going on? / Ma'am, I'm so, so sorry. / What? What happened? / Your mother. I read on HuffPo that she was in the hospital.
Selina: Amy, I thought you were talking about the recount. Don't ever, ever scare me like that again.
Selina Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm ★ Rewatch Aide · Selina: This is your temporary mobile oval. / I'm sorry, is there a kettle or clothing steamer in here? / No. / Okay, this is gonna be quite the day.
Sue: But I made sure he had nowhere to sit.
Sue Deadpan/Understatement Character Comedy Andrew · Monica · Selina: Oh, this is Monica. / A pleasure to meet you, Madam President. My thoughts are so with you right now. / Thank you so much. / You brought a date. / I don't know her.
Andrew · Andrew · Monica · Selina · Andrew: Monica and I are seeing one another. She's part of my life. / She writes books on homemaking. / Blogs about entertaining. / I do know her. / She does some of the local morning shows.
Monica · Andrew: Okay, sweetie, the president does not want to hear my resume right now. / She's a smart one. You can maybe pick up something from her.
Gary · Monica · Selina: I just want to say my wife is obsessed with your spiced eggnog. We drink it year-round. / It makes a really yummy ice cream. / Shut up.
Monica: She calls me 'Monnie.' Sounds like 'mommy.'
Monica Character Comedy Cringe/Discomfort ★ Rewatch Selina · Catherine: I mean, the campaign's over. I don't have to pretend to like country music anymore. / This is Tim McGraw. It's Mee-Maw's favorite song.
Selina: What? No. Mee-Maw's favorite song is whatever is playing in the background at Neiman Marcus.
Selina Character Comedy Observational Selina: Honey, if I wanted to talk to an unconscious person, I'd book myself on Charlie Rose.
Selina Setup/Punchline Dark/Subversive ★ Rewatch Selina: What happened to her nails? Looks like she's been diggin' for potatoes or something.
Selina Character Comedy Dark/Subversive Selina: She always wore dishwashing gloves when she gave me my bath. / Which is why I don't do dishes. I just now realized that.
Selina Character Comedy Dark/Subversive ★ Rewatch Selina · Dr. Mirpuri: Dr. Mir... / Mirpuri. / 'Mir-piri.' Okay. How is she doing?
Dr. Mirpuri · Emily (nail technician) · Selina: I'm afraid she'll need to stay on life support until she expires. / Did you still want to do her nails? / Oh, yes, I do.
Mike · Wendy: No, we're not hiring that woman. / It was just a cold sore, honey. / I don't want to pay 40 grand for a herpes baby.
Debralee · Mike · Mike: Are y'all Christians? / Yes... yes. / I mean, a lot of people think that I'm Jewish, but that... no.
Debralee · Mike · Wendy · Mike · Wendy: What church y'all go to? / Our Lady... / Of the Holy Womb... / ...of the Holy Womb. / ...Womb of Jesus. / It's a small congregation, but it's fierce. / It's holy.
Selina · Dr. Mirpuri: Well, Dr. McCurry... / Mirpuri. / Yes, that's what I said.
Selina: Oh, wow, that is loud, honey. That's loud. / Oh, 'Stephen Hawking' here is indisposed, so I'll just...
Selina Character Comedy Dark/Subversive Selina: I just needed to get a break from the Hindu Grim Reaper out there.
Selina Character Comedy Dark/Subversive Kent · Selina: ...that has driven up your favorables. / I'm talking about pulling the plug on my mother here. / How is half a percentage point in the polls supposed to sweeten that shit biscuit? / More like double digits. / Really?
Kent Selina Dark/Subversive Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Kent: There is a possibility of a shorter-lived, but numerically greater outpouring... if you will, a 'death bump.'
Kent Deadpan/Understatement Dark/Subversive ★ Rewatch Selina · Kent: Well, that is some wild and heavy stuff. / Indeed. / Yeah. I got some real soul-searching to do.
Ben (watching TV news) · Ben: Now, I have been in Washington a long time and I thought I had seen everything, but the insensitivity shown by Senator O'Brien clearly demonstrates that this man does not possess the judgment and dignity... / True statesman right there.
Selina · Mike: Okay, so now what I need is a quiet place to think that doesn't have Mike's stupid face in it. / I can turn around, ma'am.
Ben · Selina · Ben · Selina · Aide · Kent: Those we have loved cannot be lost because they are always a part of us. / Thank you, Ben, and whoever wrote those words. / Look what I found. / Too late. / Of course. / I recognize those words. They were in the card your wife sent me when my cat Fibonacci passed.
O'Brien protesters · Ben · Selina: Hey, hey, ho, ho, / This endless recount's got to go. / God, that's a great chant. / Just catchy.
Jonah · Ben: Okay, we got 'Count Totes the Votes.' / What is that? What's 'totes'? / Totes, like all. Count all the votes.
Ben · Protesters · Ben: You guys have one job to do, that is to rally the crowd with your pro-POTUS signs and get your camera-unfriendly faces on TV. / Yes. / You can't put a Jonah Ryan on TV like that.
Ben: The only thing that women 18-34 are gonna do when they see you on camera is file a restraining order.
Ben Character Comedy Setup/Punchline Richard: What do we want? To get the votes counted. / When do we want it? Hopefully before the deadline.
Richard Character Comedy Absurdist ★ Rewatch Selina · Gary: Do you pray? / A lot. / What do you pray for? / You, you know...
Gary · Selina · Gary · Selina · Gary · Selina · Gary · Selina · Gary · Selina · Gary: O Lord God, it's me, Selina. / Grant me wisdom and strength. / Give us Your comforting presence... I've got it now. / Lord God, please ease my mother's pain and suffering. / Yes, Lord. Yes, Lord. / Ease her passing. Ease it all. / Yes. / Ease it down the... / ...the... / Lord, let her daughter, Thy humble servant, be the first woman elected President of the United States. / Please, this is so much to bear. / Oh, it is, Lord. It is.
Selina · Gary: No, I mean actually lift me up 'cause my heel is stuck in this thing. / Yeah, I got it.
Selina Gary Physical/Slapstick Misdirection ★ Rewatch Callback Selina: Selina's extended, fumbling goodbye to her comatose mother — including long silences — followed by 'Well, that's much better.' [referring to the music being turned off]
Selina Awkward Silence Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Selina · Dr. Mirpuri: So in your experience, how long does this sort of thing carry on? / Usually minutes. / Okay. / I have seen hours. / Days are very rare. / Oh, well, that's not gonna work, because for me with my schedule and life.
Selina: Well, why don't you check your phones? Sounds like you shoplifted a bunch of vibrators.
Selina Setup/Punchline Dark/Subversive Aide · Selina · Gary: The Nevada State Supreme Court issued a temporary stay of certification. The count will continue. / Oh, my prayer worked, right?! / Maybe.
Catherine · Selina · Catherine · Selina · Catherine · Selina · Catherine · Selina: Is Mee-Maw better? / Catherine. / I thought you were here. / No, I went to get coffee. / I asked if you wanted anything. / No, I didn't hear you say that. / She's gone? / You pulled the plug without me? / It wasn't a plug. It was a ventilator tube that they just...
Aide · Catherine · Aide: We got good news about Nevada. / Wait, what? / We got good news from Nevada.
Selina: Mother would never let me use the good piano. I always had to take my lessons on the shitty upright in the den.
Selina Character Comedy Dark/Subversive ★ Rewatch Gary · Catherine · Selina: Oh, you know what? That would be a good story for the eulogy. / Mom, why would you want to paint Mee-Maw in such a negative light? / Oh, Catherine, Thomas fucking Kinkade couldn't paint Mee-Maw in a positive light.
Selina · Catherine · Gary: Mee-Maw blamed me for his death. / What? / I think that's probably your interpretation of it.
Selina: Oh, Catherine, you have no idea what it was like to be the only daughter of a pathological narcissist.
Selina Irony/Sarcasm Character Comedy ★ Rewatch George Huntzinger · Selina: Or should I say Madam President? / Oh, my goodness. You know what? You were always my favorite of all of Mother's lawyers.
George · Selina · Selina · Selina · George: I feared I might have to start driving over them to get in here. / Really? Protesters? / This country's just lost its sense of decency. / Well, they're animals. / No, no. Heavens, no. They're well-wishers.
Selina · George: Oh, my goodness. I feel like a bride. A sad bride because, of course, this is a day of grief. / Her brain was quite damaged for quite a long time.
Amy: Oh, it's great if you want a bloated booze bag to be our next president.
Amy Character Comedy Setup/Punchline Amy: Did Eleanor Roosevelt eat pussy?
Amy Dark/Subversive Character Comedy Amy · Nevada official · Amy · Amy: Oh, Jesus. Oh, God, I'm sorry. It's the way we talk in the White House. I'm not even aware I'm doing it anymore. / Wow. I mean, you seem so... and then... / Hey, it may not even be true. / Did she eat pussy or did she just fingerbang her way down Pennsylvania Avenue? / Fuck my mouth. I'm doing it again.
Mike: Damn it. Apparently our born-again surrogate is super against DNR, so when POTUS pulled the plug on MOTUS, she started having second thoughts.
Mike Character Comedy Dark/Subversive Kent · Mike: Did you explain to her that there is no scientific evidence of a higher power? / How long has this yogurt been in here?
Kent Mike Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement Ben · Ben: Make yourself at home, Mike. / Don't eat the bananas. They're wax.
Ben Ben Visual Gag Character Comedy Selina: Nevada is my state. I'm gonna be president. I'm gonna be the first elected lady president. I'm gonna have a lovely inauguration. Billy Joel is gonna sing.
Selina Character Comedy Escalation Selina: You're gonna cancel this recount like Anne Frank's bat mitzvah.
Selina Dark/Subversive Setup/Punchline ★ Rewatch Amy: Yeah, I'm on it, though I think the DJ already spent the deposit.
Amy Deadpan/Understatement Callback ★ Rewatch Callback Ben: Did we tell 'Huey, Dewey, and Rapey' that it's 'Stop the Count' now and not 'Count Every Vote'?
Ben Character Comedy Setup/Punchline Richard · Ben · Ben · Richard · Ben: Count every vote! Count every vote! / Doesn't he work for O'Brien? / No. Jesus. Come on, Richard, no. / Count every vote! / Jonah!
Selina: Maybe I'll get assassinated.
Selina Dark/Subversive Deadpan/Understatement ★ Rewatch Selina · Selina · Andrew: Andrew, you know that we're at a funeral, right? / We're not at Club Med. / In here... it's always been you.
Selina Deadpan/Understatement Reaction Beat Tom James · Selina · Tom James: I see that Charlie Baird is here. / Yes. Yeah, he flew in this morning. / So who's fisting the American economy while he's here?
Tom James · Selina · Charlie Baird · Selina · Charlie Baird: Wow, your ex, not afraid to mix business with mourning. / Oh, yeah. How soon after meeting you did he ask you to invest in his latest venture? / 17 seconds. / Really? / I timed it.
Tom James · Selina · Charlie Baird · Charlie Baird: Some can't-lose scheme about the third largest hotel chain in Brazil. / 'Can't lose.' / Can't lose. / Got to see if I still have my wallet.
Selina · Mike: Andrew. / Can anybody get in on this Brazil thing? / I got a baby to pay for.
Catherine · Selina: Please let me play the Tim McGraw song. / Seriously, Catherine, this is a funeral, not a NASCAR race.
Selina: Catherine, you are forbidden from saying the words 'Tim McGraw' ever again.
Selina Character Comedy Running Gag Callback Catherine: Unbelievable. Mee-Maw was so right about you.
Selina · Ben · Ben · Selina · Ben · Selina: Why would China go through Qatar? / Qataris love to insert themselves. / They're wet-fingered. / They're into ass play? / No, they have a gift for sensing prevailing political winds. / I'll bet they're into ass play, too.
Andrew: Those people that you bring in, as they bring in people, you get a piece of that. I get a piece of that. In perpetuity.
Andrew Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm Selina · Gary: This China thing is like legacy material, right? / Nobel Peace Prize material.
Kent · Selina: We lost the popular vote. / Oh, God.
Kent Deadpan/Understatement Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Selina: My mother had a good piano.
Selina Callback Dark/Subversive Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Callback Selina: I'm sorry. It's just all sort of hitting me right now. / I have lost... so much.
Selina Dark/Subversive Irony/Sarcasm ★ Rewatch Callback Selina: I can't. I can't. / Catherine, play the Tim McGraw thing.
Selina Callback Character Comedy Running Gag ★ Rewatch Callback George Huntzinger: It's not uncommon for an inheritance to skip a generation, and your mother decided to leave the bulk of her estate to Catherine.
Andrew: Sorry about what I said earlier. That was the grief talking.
Andrew Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm Callback Tom James: I hated my father.
Tom James Dark/Subversive Deadpan/Understatement Ben · Selina · Someone: To Congress we go. / To Congress we go, yeah. / Congratulations.