Tom James

I am an Ameri-can with a merry plan. I subscribe to a 'whistle while you work' philosophy. (Blows)

I could murder and make a lampshade out of a Manhattan.

I could murder and make a lampshade out of a Manhattan.

Madam President, I... I had a feeling that this was in the wind. Sure, okay. Yeah. I'm afraid, with deep regret... Oh, my God. That I'm going to have to accept.

I'm afraid, with deep regret... I'm going to have to accept.

I'm not sure what a fake car would be exactly.

I should be president or something.

Sa-shi-mi... Listen to the shus and the mis.

Oh, duck 'cause I ducked. Very clever. Very funny.

His comprehension of the word no hovers somewhere around drunk college quarterback level.

I try not to act like an alcoholic father who has just stepped on a Lego.

I'm fucking with you. Come on, let's go.

I mean sell my sweet white ass on a street corner jonesing.

Playing catcher is kind of like being the economy czar. There's not a lot of glory, but a lot of squatting. A lot of asses in your face.

Oh, yeah, like one of those movies for people who like to be sad.

All right, I wanted to fuck you! That's right! And now you're trying to fuck me again tonight. No, I am fucking you tonight! No, I'm gonna fuck you! No, no, no, no, no...

Well, I've always dreamed of living in a small town, having a little place on Main Street, hanging a shingle out front, and running my own little multibillion-dollar hedge fund

One of the nice things about being dead is, it gives you time to think. Also, fewer telemarketers.

What do you think I'm trying to do?

The party and the nation will never forget all that door you pushed open, yes, backwards and in heels.