Mommy Meyer

Selina:Please don't make me go to work today. I'll fake my own death.

Gary:You don't have the cheekbones for depression.

Selina:It's falling apart like a punched wedding cake.

Selina:The press has recently decided to call it the Mommy Meyer Bill.

Selina:Take this fork, stab me right here in the carotid.

Unknown staffer or Gary:You are the most influential Mike person in the world.

Unknown:The next one's foreign policy. That's basically a quiz on the entire world.

Selina:Oh, shit. Happy birthday. I'm sorry I didn't have time to get you anything. Gonna try after work.

Unnamed politician/O'Brien surrogate · Selina or staffer reacting:I live on a regular street in real America with real trees and real cars. Oh, wait for it. We do have real cars on my street. I'm not sure what a fake car would be exactly.

Selina:Oh, bam! I should be president or something.

Selina or staffer:If he doesn't drink in the morning, he will now.

Selina · Staffer:That rumor about O'Brien's daughter blowing all those hockey players in college. That would have been a mistake. Huge mistake. It was lacrosse players.

Jonah · Gary:Gang? Did you all have tattoos? How did you get into this gang? Did you have to kill a guy? You could pardon yourself now.

Selina:Plus we had tits and ass. So we had the whole thing going for us, really.

Sue · Selina:There's been a shooting in Pittsburgh. Four dead including the gunman. Well, that's fucking not good.

Selina · Staffer:We pray for the families. Yeah, and that they don't demand more gun control.

Staffer:It says here the gunman was an ex-Marine. Two sides of the coin. It's very sad.

Selina:He's got a thoughts and prayers template.

Selina:Should we keep watching me? Yeah? Sure, sure.

Dan:If I keep going at this rate, I'm gonna have gout of the mouth.

Lobbyist/Rena:Independent, well-educated young women like you who also happen to be very hot to lure congressmen into the room in a way that is deeply feminist.

Lobbyist/Rena:We then introduce our client, who makes a sale in a way that's deeply capitalist.

Amy:I'm not expected to do anything with anyone, am I?

Lobbyist/Rena:This is lobbying. This is a respectable profession. Do me a favor. Go see Linda over there. She has some slightly tighter blouses that you can choose from.

Amy:Why are there so many security and military people on the list at this concrete event? Are we at war with clay?

Lobbyist/Rena · Amy:Amy, what does the military buy a lot of? Oh, I know this. It's candy.

Lobbyist/Rena:So we bring the military guys along, they talk Congress into stumping up money for a Mexican border wall made of concrete. Circle of life.

Dan:It's so slutty, isn't it? This place is like a porn shoot with bunting.

Press · Mike:The Mommy Meyer Bill. Is it doomed? First off, it's not the Mommy Meyer Bill. It is the Families First... No, it's the Meyer Bill. And it's about as doomed as my donut habit.

Ben:I'm afraid it's getting crucified on the Hill. Just like that Jesus guy.

Selina:You think I'm just gonna say it doesn't fit and put it up on craigslist or something?

Staffer · Selina:O'Brien just said, 'If Families First is passed, the whole concept of family will come to an end.' Well, that's the dream, certainly, but I'm not sure we'll achieve it in this generation.

Secret Service · Selina · Ben:Ma'am, there's an intruder. We need you to remain here. What? I mean, okay. I mean, what? I had not anticipated this. This I had not anticipated. Well, that sounds like the world's worst Dr. Seuss book.

Gary · Secret Service:Shouldn't we be on an elevator to a secret bunker by now? There is no elevator or bunker. Why isn't there an elevator to a secret bunker?

Ben:Jesus Christ, Bill, you're shaking like a dog shitting a peach pit.

Bill:I actually think I should have a gun. I'm not making a joke. I really would like to have a gun.

Selina:Gary, every room you're in is a panic room.

Selina:What are you going to do with a clock? Tell him he's late?

Selina:He comes here to kill me and he doesn't even know my name?

Kent:He may have been talking about Kent.

Ben:I've got to take a gigantic whiz. Man, the siege stuff goes straight to my bladder.

Ben:It's like if dogs could talk.

Gary:I saw him! The guy. I was face-to-face with him and I was like, 'Back off, man. Don't mess with this.' I have got so much adrenaline in me. Can you get me a coffee? An Irish coffee.

Technician/Crew Member:That's exactly how it was, dumbass.

TV Producer type:Hit me with the plosives. Bring back my pig.

Dan/Jonah:Everybody thinks we're awesome here. I mean, we're West Wing. We're like gods.

Jonah:Yeah, help you forget about being molested. That's loud. I'm sorry.

Jonah · Richard:Mr. Ryan, did you get my sashimi? No, sir, I will get it right now. It needs to be at room temperature, otherwise it just tastes of cold.

Jonah:Sa-shi-mi. Listen to the shus and the mis. Are you hearing this? Sushi.

Jonah:Wait a minute. What are we laughing at here? I don't get it. Oh, duck 'cause I ducked. Very clever. Very funny. I'm laughing, too.

Catherine:Mom, some days you get an award from a country I've never even heard of, then other days people try to kill you.

Selina:People probably try to kill me most days, sweetie. You just have to shut it out.

Selina:I do love tasting menus. It's so nice to be able to look at a list of food and say, 'I'll take all of it.'

Selina · Chef/Gary:Okay, you know I almost got assassinated today, right? Yeah, you did. So I just need you to do what I'm telling you to do.

Lobbyist/Rena:So of course he would like to win the new one, which means he needs to speak to Congressman Martin, but not his obvious erection.

Aiden Grant · Amy:Ah, to be 20 years younger, right? I would be in diapers.

Ben:He's nailing it, like Streisand hitting a high C. My God, where were you born, Lake Homo?

Tom James:Reaction is easy. Understanding is hard. Wasn't the shooter also a victim?

Ben:Calamity James. And that's just off the top of my head.

Ben:Just get him off, you fucking mannequin.

Ben:It looks like you're telling him to straighten his tie. What the fuck are you doing?

Jonah · Richard · Ben:Maybe we could play some exit music or maybe push the button that drops the balloons. Shit, that's a great idea. Drop the balloons. Do we have balloons? No. That was just an example. Why the fuck did you bring up balloons if we don't have them?

Selina · Mike:I thought I would say, 'So I'm in the firing line for the second time today.' Hilarious, ma'am. Yeah, I know, it's not that funny. No, it's just my voice. I always end up sounding sarcastic.

Selina:I always feel as if I'm in more danger when I'm in front of you guys.

Selina:This is the second time I'm in front of the firing squad today.

Selina · Mike:Mike, I'm good. I'm gonna duck out for now. You got me. Yeah, I did. So you can take over, you bozo.

Mike:We have a good time here, don't we?

Mike:That is obviously... What is clear... That our view... Is we don't support that view.

Mike:Words don't kill people, unlike guns, which can and did. Which is bad. It's so bad. I could go on.

Dan or Lobbyist:Tom James just sympathized with that Pittsburgh shooter and in doing so has blown his political brains out.

Dan or Lobbyist:He just made an enemy of every stupid person with a gun, and there are a lot of those.

Dan or Lobbyist:If we don't do something about this, our gun and security clients are gonna start to wonder why it is the hell they pay us so much money, which is bad because I need them to pay me and not try and shoot me in my sleep.

Dan or Lobbyist boss:Very well done. You might be the smartest woman I've ever paid for.

Dan · Amy · Lobbyist boss:Oh, man, I'm really enjoying this sibling rivalry between you two. I'm trying to figure out what that makes you to us. Daddy. Ah.

Mike:I am not Merlin, okay? I don't have a magic car or whatever he had.

Selina:You'll tie a ribbon around Elvis's sagging, rotten ball sack if we ask you to, Mike. That's your job.

Mike · Selina · Ben:Tom James took a crap all over America. Why do I got to grab the shovel? I'm not a shit cleaner. It's your job. You are the shit shoveler. Well, some shit doesn't get off. What? I don't know what that means.

Selina:Kill the Mommy, okay? 'Cause it's making my bill toxic. It's like they took the word brain tumor and changed it to Selina Cyst.

Jonah:He's going freestyle. God, that is so fucking gangster.

Tom James:Well, I can't say that that felt good, because obviously it felt terrible, but it also felt good.

Richard:Sir, awesome and amazing had a baby and it grew up to be you.

Richard:It's like words are your second language, sir.

Richard:Richard T. Splett. Don't know why I said T. My middle name is John.

Tom James · Jonah · Richard:Jonah Ryan. That's a name that keeps popping up. Well, I'm a pop-ular guy. Richard T. Splett. Don't know why I said T. My middle name is John.

Tom James · Richard:So you're this guy's veep? Kind of. Kind of, yeah.

Jonah · Richard:Hey, we should have you apologize for all our screwups. Hurricane washout. Leon West 'detention.' The data breach. Oh, yeah, that thing with the HIV girl. Yes. Wow, that HIV girl.

Tom James · Jonah · Richard:Wait a sec... If I didn't know better, I would suspect that there was another data breach. Really? I mean, there isn't. No, because I would know about it. Mm.

Tom James · Dan or Lobbyist:How did that go down? Surprisingly well. Like vodka and cereal.

Dan or Lobbyist:Gun guys don't like it when you take things away from them.

Alex Barry (pharma rep):Well, construction brings builders. Builders bring sex workers. And sex workers bring STDs. A virtuous circle.

Selina's friend Deborah or similar:Oh, you are hotter than ever. What do you use, like rhino horns or monkey glands?

Selina:No, I didn't really have any surgery, Deborah. I didn't. I haven't had... no.

Selina:It's booze, you old boozehound.

Friend · Selina:Actually, I have been sober for five years and four months, so... I have been sober for 27 hours, so let me take that off your hand while I jump off the wagon.

Tom James · Jonah:Benjamin, you wanted to see me? Is this where I get whacked? Oh, no, sir. This is where we all blow you because you were so freaking great.

Jonah:He's like your dad except he's nice.

Ben · Jonah:What the fuck are these guys doing here? Every player needs to roll with a crew, Ben. That's the truth from the street.

Ben:This is officially my worst day.

Ben:I like my bourbon like I like my women... 18 years old and wet.

Richard · Ben · Jonah:I'm more of a white Russian man myself. Here, take that. Okay, I guess that's fine also. Have a seat. Not there. No. Wasn't going to.

Ben · Jonah/Richard:Not there. — No. Wasn't going to.

Selina's friends · Selina:Anna's wedding. That was 20 years ago. Oh, no, it was five years ago. What? She got married again. Oh. Well, that doesn't surprise me. Yeah. Did he finally come out? He died. Oh. I am so sorry.

Anna · Selina's friends:I'm not. I mean, he wasn't gay. He was just an asshole. Can I swear in front of you now? No, you fucking can't.

Friend · Selina:What's for dessert, a tub of ice cream and four spoons? Yes.

Friend · Selina · Friends:Any other psychotic things that we need to know about you? I think we should sterilize everyone in New Jersey. Good idea. I'm in favor of assisted dying for anyone who talks in a movie theater. That's forward thinking. And I think we should legalize drugs. Oh, yeah! I'll get the bong.

Friend:No, no, no, that last one, that's actually not a joke.

Friend · Selina:I'm serious. I believe we should legalize drugs. Having seen what my son has been through, I think it's the only way. Fuck my face.

Selina's team · Selina:Okay, if this gets out, my life's hell. Guys, guys! Come on. Everybody calm down. Yeah, let's just smoke a doobie and pop some ludes.

Selina · Deborah:Look at us, we're working it from both ends. Um, well, because I'm about to pass this legislation.

Selina's friends:Uh, perhaps you haven't thought through the tax margins properly. We have the finest economic minds working on the bill. Thank God, because tax law was never your strength. I really read up about it a lot. Oh, my God. Do you remember? What's 15%? What's 15%?

Friend · Selina:What's 15%? What's 15%? / I don't want to talk about politics anymore.

Selina:She can't have wine.

Tom James:Jeez, I wouldn't last 10 seconds in a men's room. But between us, I just think honesty is the best policy. So, in that spirit, maybe somebody could now kindly tell me what the fuck is this other data breach.

Selina:Do you recognize her? She lost all of her baby fat.

Mike · Tom James:The Meyer campaign used the health records of dead children to target and appeal to voters who were recently bereaved parents. Jesus. It's a real doozy, huh?

Tom James:Seems like the party has hit a quiet point.

Selina:It's not really as bad as it sounds. You know, those kids have been dead for a while.

Jonah · Richard:He's really good. It's because there's seven of us. I meant as a politician. I know. Yeah, it's... yeah.

Selina's friends:Did you see Tom James on Meet the Press? Oh, yeah. I'd like to press his meat. He's sexy without knowing he's sexy, and that's really sexy.

Friend:It's really difficult talking to you now that you're sober. That's tough.

Selina's friends · Selina · Gary:You're eating ice cream? Really? She's eating ice cream, Gary? I mean... I just had a bite.

Sue · Selina · Gary · Staffer:Ma'am, intruder in the grounds. God, another one? You've got to be shitting me. No, Gary, it's the same one. He's doing a victory lap.

Unknown speaker (friend or Selina) · Richard:I shook Jack Nicholson's hand and I thought, 'If this hand could talk, it would say wash me.' Right, 'cause of all the sex stuff.

Selina's friend · Selina · Unknown:They're just gonna keep coming and coming until they kill us. This is classic copycat. Yeah, no, it's classic copycat. Ah, it's just like me just then. You know, it's classic copycat.

Lobbyist/Event MC:What time is it? It's stop... raffle time. Get those tickets out! The lovely Kimberly over here is gonna pull the winning ticket out of the cement mixer, which I thought was a nice touch.

Amy's companion · Amy:Is lobbying always like this? I have a funny sinking feeling it might be.

Mike · Unknown:I wish the intruder would just kill me. Well, if the intruder kills you, Mike, then who's gonna announce your death?

Unknown:Your face looks kind of like a sad egg.

Mike:I think I'm a fraud. I'm not good at my job. The story about the emperor and the new clothes. I'm the emperor. No, I'm the clothes. I'm the guy who will fuck this government.

Unknown:Hey, at least you got your hair.

Selina's friend · Selina:Oh, my God, I can't breathe. I can't breathe. I can't breathe. Oh, honey. You need water. Can somebody help her? These people are only here to protect me, I'm afraid.

Selina:The only person who's interested in killing you, Deborah, is here in this room. Ahem, that was a joke. You know, you can't see my face, but I'm actually making a joke. Put that back. Put it back.