Selina evaluates her past and present campaigns. Jonah's personal life sparks interest among the press. Amy makes an important decision.
Season finale opener fumbles momentum: 74.9 score marks series' lowest-density premiere.
Directed by David Mandel · Written by Lew Morton
WAR
226.9
Wins Above Replacement
“Iowa” ranks #2 of 65 Veep episodes on the Humor Index, scoring 100.0 — Elite. The episode packs 123 scored jokes at 3.0 per minute, averaging 7.9 on craft and 7.8 on impact, with Selina Meyer landing the most laughs. Every joke is ranked below with its individual craft and impact scores.
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Top Jokes
Staffer · Selina Meyer: Ma'am, there's been a mass shooting in a mall in Phoenix. Twenty-seven people have been killed. / [pause] / Hohhh. / This can... work for us?
Jonah Ryan: Yeah, Beth's my stepsister. / Did you guys not know that?
Jonah Ryan Misdirection Character Comedy Escalation ★ Rewatch Selina Meyer · Staffer: We have to send that shooter a nice thank-you card. / Actually, he shot himself before he could be apprehended. / I'll send something to his wife. / Oh. Actually, he shot her first.
Jonah Ryan: I'm not her brother, and I never was. Except for that one year.
Selina Meyer · Staffer: We're tracking a school shooting in Spokane, Washington. / Muslim or white guy? / Don't know yet. / Which is better for me? / White guy. / Fingers crossed.
All Jokes — 123 analyzed
Show all ↓ Hide ↑ Selina Meyer: The United States of America has a new president... Laura Montez. I hate this country.
Unknown supporter · Selina Meyer: Yes, your stay in the insane asylum? It's really agreed with you. / Oh, it was a spa.
Unknown speaker: Selina Meyer travels the globe, spreading democracy like patient zero.
Selina Meyer: I'm the only living president who doesn't have one. Nobody gives me any respect. How about that? No justice, no library!
Unknown staffer: Well, there's President Montez, Tom James... The White House maids, the stewards. White working-class voters.
Richard Splett · Unknown staffer: Marjorie and I are having a baby. I can't believe I'm gonna be a father. Lotta responsibility. / You just signed away all responsibility.
Selina Meyer · Unknown staffer · Ben Cafferty: Well, second time's the charm. / Uh, it's actually the fourth. / Yeah, fourth time's the charm. / Yeah, it's fourth.
Selina Meyer: My book, my book, my book! Woman First, First Woman.
Kent Davison · Unknown staffer: SHEILA couldn't agree more. / Hey, Kent's dating again. / No, SHEILA is my predictive computer model for election results.
Unknown staffers: I don't want nuts. / I like her more than I like the deaf girl. / Whatever happened to her? / The police have no leads.
Unknown staffer: This isn't a Terrence Malick movie. Sit.
Selina Meyer: Waitin' for the thing to get into fucking college?! What are you doing?!
Selina Meyer · Leon: OK, Leon, I'm still not sure about this part where I say I wanna be president for all Americans. I mean, do I? Ya know? All of them? / How about 'real Americans'? / Oh, yeah, that's good. And then we can figure out what I mean later.
Selina Meyer: If you want me to use my own goddamn words, then write me something to say.
Selina Meyer: Oh, and take out the stuff about immigration 'cause I feel like it's a little too issue-y.
Selina Meyer · Aide: Right now I'm standing here, with my dick in my hand, in Cedar... Falls, Iowa! / Ma'am, we're in Cedar Rapids.
Selina Meyer · Staffer: This is supposed to be New Selina! / Now!
Selina Meyer: If Mohamad Atta had you people booking his travel, he'd still be alive today. Which from his perspective, would be a massive fuck-up.
Selina Meyer · Staffer: We're tracking a school shooting in Spokane, Washington. / Muslim or white guy? / Don't know yet. / Which is better for me? / White guy. / Fingers crossed.
Amy · Selina Meyer: First and foremost, there was a reluctance on the part of the candidate to take responsibility for mistakes. / What? No, you were the one that made mistakes. What else? Go on.
Amy · Selina Meyer: Second, there was a culture of blame which made people feel unsafe expressing criticisms. / What dumb asshole said that?
Amy · Selina Meyer: Number three, an unwillingness to actually discuss strategies and share ideas with campaign staff. / Four... / Autopsy is now over.
Selina Meyer: How many pages is this, 500? How about I write 500 pages about how you need to start wearing concealer?
Selina Meyer · Staffer: I am New Selina. Exactly. / Now.
Selina Meyer: I thought I was going to Cedar Falls.
Unknown candidate (Kemi Talbot?) · Selina Meyer · Staffer: I was reminded of another innovator by the name of Jesus Christ. / Two wheelchair guys behind him? What, we didn't get the point with the first one? / I got it. One wheelchair guy, good for you, two wheelchair guys, shame on me.
Unknown staffer · Ben Cafferty: I knew she'd cut my balls off, I just thought it would be after we lost Iowa. / Well, campaign's ahead of schedule.
Gary Walsh: His cell phone number now seems to belong to a Portuguese gentleman.
Marjorie · Selina Meyer: You're supposed to say, 'That's not our plan.' / I don't even know where to start. / Child Services is a good place.
Marjorie · Selina Meyer: Catherine is Mama, and I'm Mom-Mom. / You didn't want to go with Mommy and Agent Palmiotti?
Marjorie · Selina Meyer: I'm sorry about that, Gam-Gam, ma'am. Catherine's been suffering from postpartum depression. / How can you tell? / Well, the haircut.
Marjorie · Selina Meyer: It's been tough on both of us. Particularly on our sex life. / I've got to get out of here. / We still enjoy sex in the mornings, but in the evenings, hardly ever. And rarely penetrative.
Amy · Selina Meyer · Ben Cafferty: Why would you want to be president? / So I can nuke America. / Mm. / That's actually not bad. / Pretty good, actually.
Jonah Ryan · Staffer: And just wait until you see how we juice the economy with my new seven-eight-nine tax plan. / No, it's nine-eight-seven tax plan. / The candidate thinks it's funnier that way. Wait for it. / Why was six afraid of seven? / Why? / Because of my seven-eight-nine tax plan.
Jonah Ryan: You know what I always thought the funniest number was? / Eleven.
Jonah Ryan Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement ★ Rewatch Callback Jonah Ryan: Did you guys know that I got married? Who wants to meet my brand-new smokin' hot wife, Beth? / Beth, come on out here. / This is my wife. And my stepson, Clay.
Jonah Ryan · Beth: Look at how hot she is! / Jonie! / Yeah, I get sprung.
Beth: I know that when he's elected president, he's gonna sweep all of the dirt out of Washington, so we're just gonna need to find a broom that's tall enough for him.
Beth Setup/Punchline Character Comedy Jonah Ryan · Beth: I just want to make it clear that she does do all the housework. / I do.
Unknown staffer: The wife is really helpful. She humanizes him, if that were possible. Like sunglasses on a dog.
Jonah Ryan: Yeah, Beth's my stepsister. / Did you guys not know that?
Jonah Ryan Misdirection Character Comedy Escalation ★ Rewatch Campaign staffers: Oh, no. / Oh. Oh. Oh. / Oh, no, no. / No.
Jonah Ryan · Staffer: He gave me a 'D' in math because I have dyslexia, but for numbers. / And he forced us to go on all these family vacations to stupid Hawaii. / Which island? / The big one.
Unknown staffer · Ben Cafferty: Did you do no oppo research on our own candidate? How did this not come up?! / The same reason it didn't come up that he moisturizes with Minotaur semen! It's not one of the standard questions that you ask!
Jonah Ryan · Unknown staffer: Look, the point is, he's a dick. / It's not like Beth and I did anything, unless you count her walking in while I was whackin' off all the time. / I wish I was still in prison.
Jonah Ryan: You know what? If you wanna attack somebody, attack my cousin Ezra. He's the one who fingered her in high school.
Jonah Ryan Character Comedy Escalation Dark/Subversive Jonah Ryan · Aide: And he forced us to go on all these family vacations to stupid Hawaii. — Which island? — The big one.
Jonah Ryan · Teddy Sykes: The only reason you were hired is because Mr. Tanz told me you were the best, and because...? / Because of my court-ordered chemical castration. / That's right. / This doin' anything for you? Huh, right there? You like that? Not even a little tickle? Not even a little move?
Beth · Jonah Ryan: Jonie, you ready to head home? / Jesus, Beth, I'm working! / Someone gets so cranky when he doesn't eat. / You're cranky. / I have Goldfish. / I have string cheese too... / I want Goldfish. / Can I have some? / No. Get your own.
Selina Meyer: I will admit, so that makes me quite hungry. And I'll tell ya something, um, it's not the... no, I don't want this... the first time in politics that I've had to shake hands with a complete dog.
Mike McLintock · Selina Meyer: How do you respond to people sick and tired of politicians offering nothing but 'thoughts and prayers' when it comes to mass shootings? / [pause] / Um, well, uh... my heart goes out to the families of the victims, and I want to offer them my, uh... um, mindfulness... and, uh, meditations un-unto the Lord, on their behalf...
Mike McLintock · Selina Meyer: Mike McLintock. Buzzfeed magazine... / I know who you are. / Print edition. / Uh-huh. OK. / Sorry, this is a menu. Hold on a second.
Mike McLintock: Google always filters out my emails, they think I'm a bot.
Amy Brookheimer · Mike McLintock: Mike. Workin' for the enemy, huh? — Yeah. My new gig. — It's really nice to see you, Mike.
Selina Meyer · Richard Splett: 'Lurlene.' I mean, even the name sounds like it's on meth. Who in their right mind would live in this ashtray's anus? / Well, me. I was lucky enough to be born here.
Richard Splett · Unknown staffer: I just didn't want to brag. 'Boasters are roasters,' my Grandma Splett would always say. She had a form of rhyming dementia. It's called Lyndrome Syndrome. / Really? / I'll bet she made that up.
Unknown · Richard Splett: Richard, is chocolate bad for dogs? / Oh, no, not bad. Deadly.
Unknown staffer · Richard Splett: Richard, you can't keep working on both campaigns. / But they're both equally good people. / Isn't there somewhere they can both be president? / Fortunately, no.
Unknown Iowan · Selina Meyer · Staffer: I've always been a big fan of Selina Meyer's, but it's time for some new blood. / Is this what I came to Iowa for? / It's everywhere, ma'am. / Well, except Buzzfeed. They led with the story about the dog mayor in a coma.
Unknown staffer · Selina Meyer: Why not announce at the Statue of Liberty? / You love standing next to ugly women. / Yes!
Selina Meyer: Call Senator Talbot, see if she can introduce me. 'Cause we could use the color, don't ya think?
Selina Meyer · Staffer: I'll go announce at a white supremacist compound if I have to. There got to be tons of them around here. / Ma'am, you're thinking of Idaho. Iowa is mostly meth labs. / That's mainly just a difference in branding.
Keith Quinn (wrong one): Screw your wigs on tight, Team Dipshit, you're about to see how a campaign is really ru...
Selina Meyer: I thought Keith Quinn was someone else! / It is not my job to know what Keith Quinn does or does not look like!
Selina Meyer · Real Keith Quinn · Selina Meyer (aside): I want Kent to show you where your office is. / Oh, sure. / Right next to mine. I hope that's OK with you. / Where else would it be? I'm the campaign manager, right? / Yeah. / [pause] Thank you. Fire him.
Ben Cafferty: He's deader than democracy, ma'am.
Reporter · Jonah Ryan: Congressman, will your wife be joining you today? / Uh, no, not today. Just me. / Will she be joining you at the senior center this afternoon? / No, so stop asking questions about my wife. It's not like I murdered her.
Jonah Ryan · Reporter: I challenge you. Go ahead. Try to find one thing that's wrong with my marriage. Send out your top guys, have 'em follow me around. / Did you marry your stepsister? / Goddamn it. Who told you?
Jonah Ryan: What happened today was a tragedy. But here is the hard truth: Sometimes hotshot lacrosse players who think they own the cafeteria can bring this on themselves.
Jonah Ryan Dark/Subversive Character Comedy Absurdist ★ Rewatch Reporter · Jonah Ryan: I married my half-sister. / No, stepsister! / Whichever one, when I bone her she doesn't give birth to a pile of legs or whatever.
Jonah Ryan: You know what? If you wanna attack somebody, attack my cousin Ezra. He's the one who fingered her in high school.
Jonah Ryan Character Comedy Escalation Callback Callback Jonah Ryan: I'm not her brother, and I never was. Except for that one year. / It's exactly what Woody Allen did. I'm clearly no more of a pervert than he is, and if you're gonna criticize us, then you better be prepared to criticize Woody Allen and the little Chinese girl.
Jonah Ryan Character Comedy Dark/Subversive Escalation Reporter · Jonah Ryan: I married my half-sister. — No, stepsister! — Whichever one, when I bone her she doesn't give birth to a pile of legs or whatever.
Selina Meyer: prayer works, believe me. It worked for me today. / Amen. / Whoo!
Selina Meyer Dark/Subversive Irony/Sarcasm Callback ★ Rewatch Callback Selina Meyer: Amy, I put off getting an abortion once, and now I've got Joaquin.
Selina Meyer: I really thought my fifties would be about me fuckin' and suckin' my way through The Shorenstein Center.
Kent Davison · Selina Meyer: We do your announcement where you historically announced your first run for the presidency nine years ago. — Um... Susan B. Anthony's birthplace?
Reporter · Selina Meyer: Ma'am, any comment on the latest shooting? / It's an absolute outrage. I mean frankly, somebody needs to do something about these shootings because I cannot take any more of this. / Powerful words.
Dan Egan: Check this out. Connecting rooms. / They got me bunkin' with Gary. / You should see all of Selina's dresses in here. At least I hope they're hers.
Amy: I'm thinking of having this baby, and I'm not asking anything of you, literally nothing, but I do want the baby to know that you're the father. But I don't want your last name because I've always loved the name Meagan and I don't want people to think that I was going for Mee-gan Ee-gan because that sounds like someone who gets ass-fucked on the Major Deegan in a limerick.
Amy Character Comedy Wordplay/Pun Absurdist ★ Rewatch Dan Egan · Amy: I-I like the name Meagan, too. / Although the Deegan's always congested. So... / Yeah, the Cross Bronx is much better for butt stuff.
Dan Egan Amy Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement Callback ★ Rewatch Callback Gary Walsh · Selina Meyer: Oh, oh, oh. I've been wanting to ask you, have you seen how Amy is hovering over Dan? I think they're hookin' up. / Dan is not dippin' his pen in that ink stain. / No? / Plus she's getting kinda fat in the front. Did you see that? / It is literally all I can think about.
Gary Walsh · Selina Meyer: Why would you want to be president? / To give it to you, of course. / Oh. That's good. God.
Selina Meyer · Gary Walsh: Why would you want to be president? — To give it to you, of course. — Oh. That's good. God.
Gary Walsh · Selina Meyer: 'From the time I was a pretty girl...' / No, not pretty girl. / Oh, but you were so pretty.
Selina Meyer: Because it is my goddamn turn! I was the game-changer... I took a dump on the glass ceiling, and I shaved my muff in the sink of the old boys' club. But for three years Hughes kept me chained to a radiator in some basement in Cleveland. So as far as I'm concerned, America owes me an eight-year stay in the White House, and this time, I want a war!
Selina Meyer Character Comedy Escalation Dark/Subversive ★ Rewatch Gary Walsh · Selina Meyer: Do you want me to read that back? / Oh, we can't use any of that. / Oh. / It sounds like I'm shouting from a balcony in Munich. / Like Evita! / OK, just put down something about how I want to give the American people a better deal or some fuckin' crap like that. / Very Kennedy-esque. / John, not Teddy. / Or the rapey one. / Or the one that killed that little girl.
Dan Egan · Amy: I'm gonna fuck Mike's boss. / My spidey sense tells me she's gonna yelp like a seagull in a bread factory. So... / Yeah. / S-Stick it in there good, pal. / Only way I know how.
Amy Brookheimer · Dan Egan: S-Stick it in there good, pal. — Only way I know how.
Selina Meyer: That lobby bar better be open! / I'm gonna have it all by my fucking self!
Unknown staffer · Gary Walsh: What is she talking about? / Probably a cheesecake or something.
Unknown staffer: You said it, not me.
Gary Walsh: Hey, Dan? / [long pause] / My heart medicine's in there.
Gary Walsh Character Comedy Awkward Silence Deadpan/Understatement ★ Rewatch Callback Selina Meyer · Gary Walsh: Oh! Good, there you are. I need coffee and any kind of egg white frittata. / Put your jacket on. This isn't a homeless shelter.
Dan Egan · Amy: I just don't know if I'm ready to be a daddy to anyone who's not a sexy boho jewelry maker struggling to pay off her college loans. / I appreciate the soul-searching. / But if you wanna go Dutch or whatever on the abortion, just hit me up on Venmo, OK? / Oh, you know what? Make it public, OK? Shows I'm a gentleman.
Dan Egan Amy Character Comedy Dark/Subversive Irony/Sarcasm ★ Rewatch Unknown staffer: This place has feminine symbolism spurtin' out of its dickhole.
Ben Cafferty · Unknown staffer: All right, boys, let's go launch this rocket. / Let's just hope it's the Columbia and not the Challenger. / Both exploded, killing all aboard. / OK, whatever. The one without the schoolteacher.
Selina Meyer · Ben Cafferty · Staffers: What is going on here? Where is the stage? / This was all supposed to be done like six hours ago. / The tents aren't even here. / I'm guessin' those were supposed to be put up four or five hours ago. / You want the stages up first.
Nick Spooner: I am sick and tired of these hoity-toity people... like yourself... Prancing in here with this la-dee-da attitude and total 'disregahd' for the working class people of this country, like myself.
Selina Meyer: Truth to power. Good for you.
Selina Meyer: Your hat is so fun. The 'B.' Have you been to Barbuda?
Ben Cafferty · Unknown staffer · Unknown staffer 2: So the national press is now arriving to this giant metaphor for a... / clusterfuck of a campaign. / Actually, it's a synecdoche. / Technically, it's more of a goat rape than a clusterfuck.
Staffer · Selina Meyer: Ma'am, there's been a mass shooting in a mall in Phoenix. Twenty-seven people have been killed. / [pause] / Hohhh. / This can... work for us?
Staffer · Selina Meyer · Ben Cafferty: Yes, because we couldn't possibly announce now out of respect for the victims. / Halle-fuckin'-lujah! / Praise the rational equivalent of Jesus, what Bonhoeffer would call the spirit of beloved community.
Selina Meyer · Staffer: We have to send that shooter a nice thank-you card. / Actually, he shot himself before he could be apprehended. / I'll send something to his wife. / Oh. Actually, he shot her first.
Teddy Sykes: I was just adjusting your mic. / I was chemically castrated, remember?
Jonah Ryan · Teddy Sykes: Whoa. What was that? — I'm just adjusting your mic. — I was chemically castrated, remember?
Jonah Ryan: I'm not her brother, and I never was. / Except for that one year.
Jonah Ryan: I'm not her brother, and I never was. Except for that one year.
Jonah Ryan: It's exactly what Woody Allen did. I'm clearly no more of a pervert than he is, and if you're gonna criticize us, then you better be prepared to criticize Woody Allen and the little Chinese girl.
Aide · Selina Meyer: This is the bill for Mr. Spooner, the old work plus today. — Yeah. I'm not paying that.
TV Host · Lloyd Hennick: Lloyd, is there anything you would like to say to your son... your stepson, Jonah? / Jonah, I have always tried to be there for you. That's why I bought your first car and paid for all six years of college, champ!
Jonah Ryan · TV Host: How come you failed me in algebra, Mr. Hennick? — You failed eighth grade math?
Jonah Ryan: My mom never loved you. You know that? She told me that. Thanksgiving 1996.
Jonah Ryan: Do not touch her! No! / Those hands are for making me Hot Pockets and nothing else. / You are gonna die alone. Get up. Move over.
Jonah Ryan Character Comedy Cringe/Discomfort Escalation Lloyd Hennick · Jonah Ryan · Nancy: I'm gonna be president! / I'm gonna be president! / I'm gonna be president! / What?! Wha...
Lloyd Hennick · Jonah Ryan: Nancy, ever since the kids have gotten together, it's just reminded me of how much I miss you. — No! No, no, no! — Oh, I'm... Do not touch her! No! Those hands are for making me Hot Pockets and nothing else.
Jonah Ryan: You are gonna die alone. Get up. Move over.
TV anchor · Analyst · Unknown staffer: Actually, since this segment first aired, Jonah's numbers are up over 3%. / He's tapped into something. / Yeah, his stepsister.
Kent Davison · Unknown staffer · Selina Meyer: Well, it's playing big with non-college educated white males, and... college educated white males. / Basically, white males. / This entire country is getting more disgusting by the second. / That's a demo we're targeting mostly on Facebook.
Ben Cafferty · Kent Davison: This entire country is getting more disgusting by the second. — That's a demo we're targeting mostly on Facebook.
Selina Meyer · Ben Cafferty: Can we just talk about how I pulled one of the all-time campaign announcements out of my lily-white anus? / Kudos on that, Gary.
Staffer · Selina Meyer: Ma'am, you need to see this. [Tom James announcing his presidential candidacy] / That! Right there! / That's the Keith Quinn I was talking about.