Blurb

Selina:Well, that just tickles my twat!

Selina:Gosh, Montez is actually gonna say that at my portrait unveiling in English?

Selina · Mike:See, Mike? That is good writing. Why can't you write like that?

Aide · Selina:the White House wants us to finalize your guest list by the day after... yesterday. — So, today. That's a bit of a brain twister.

Selina · Richard:What about Congressman Jonah Ryan? — Richard, you have such a good sense of humor.

Selina · Amy:Amy, you should take a cue from him, really.

Greg · Selina:The book ends with you going off to college. — That's right, yes, and the presidential stuff will be in volume two... 'Meyer Ascendant.' — And three... 'The Meyer Year.'

Greg · Amy · Selina:We're just gonna need our advance back. — There was an advance? — Quiet, quiet.

Rabbi · Jonah:And Moses led his people to the land of...? — Hanukkah.

Jonah · Nikhil · Rabbi:Shut up, Nikhil. This stupid hat is too small for my head. — Yarmulke. — Fine, this stupid hat is too small for my yarmulke.

Jonah:Oh, good, 'cause all this learning is giving me a yarmulke ache.

Jonah · Nikhil:Oh, Jesus Christ! — I'm sorry, I can say that now and still get into heaven, right? — Actually, Jonah, Jews don't believe in heaven. — Shut the fuck up, Nikhil!

Jonah · Shawnee:Wait, Shawnee, how am I gonna see my dog again? Is there, like, a Jew place for dogs?

Amy · Selina · Mike:We're fucked. — I don't even remember any of that. — Some things are so dull, you have to block them out.

Selina:I mean, I'm sure that I played with Catherine when she was a child... but for the life of me, I can't remember one second.

Selina · Catherine · Marjorie:So, is it a boy, is it a girl? — Oh, right. — It's a baby.

Selina:Catherine, you are not going to be coy or twee about the sex of my grandchild. This is a human being you're making, not some Brooklyn-based, artisanal chocolate bar.

Marjorie:Birth gender isn't even that relevant. She/he will decide her/his ideal gender when she/he is/are ready.

Selina:Okay, is that how we're talking now, Marjorie, like some sort of bi-curious Porky Pig?

Marjorie · Selina:I had an aunt who transitioned twice. She was trapped inside a man, and then that man was trapped inside of another woman. — Oh, like a turducken.

Catherine · Selina · Amy:Yes, Leslie or Dana if it's a boy and... And for a girl we like Linus. — Seriously? — That feels like child abuse.

Catherine · Richard:Richard has doula class and we're bringing the snacks. — What? — It'll be my first human birth, so.

Selina · Gary:Gender is simple! Right. You're a girl, I'm a boy. Well. Hey, what about some of that lezzy stuff?

Selina:Yeah, but, I mean, does anybody really give a shit about two average-looking lesbians?

Selina:A book about my sex life... People would pay whatever it is a book costs, you know?

Mike:All due respect, ma'am, we all knew you were, uh... ...with Kent.

Selina:My snatch isn't a data port!

Selina · Mike · Amy:I slept with Tom James! — Whoa! — No! — In the white-hot White House.

Selina · Mike · Amy:On a couch. — Ma'am, we have a best-seller! — I mean, it was the Green Room, but. — What? How do you know that? — You... you said it was at the Congressional Ball.

Selina · Amy · Gary:Or I could go and I could see him in person. — No, no, no, no, no, no. — You want me to go with? I can take notes. — Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. — No. Mm-mm.

Jonah:God, how can anybody jerk off to her with him sitting right there?

Aide:I'm sure you'll find a way, Congressman.

Dan:Because we worked for the president and didn't cost her the presidency. And because we don't look like Herman Munster's brother who liked to molest that pudgy werewolf kid.

Kent:Charlie, also played by Fred Gwynne. Season one, episode nine.

Jonah · Kent:Kent, can I have your plus-one? — No, I'm bringing my jai alai instructor. — Female. — Ish.

Jonah · Aide · Jonah:What about your plus-one? — I work for you, I don't date you. — Maybe I'm gonna go hire some women, and I'm gonna make them date me.

Dan:And tomorrow, a sex offender registry for dogs.

Dan · Brie:It's about time. - Mm-hmm.

Dan · Producer:What'd you think of that new sign-off? — You sound like a Scientologist.

Producer · Dan:People like the energy that you and Jane had. It was this raw, sexual vibe because you two were... — Jesus, we were not fucking! — Okay, going down on each other, whatever. I don't wanna know!

Dan · Brie · Producer:But I... I'm actually fucking her. — Dan! — Aren't you engaged to a Yankee? — Yeah, I am. — That's why I told you not to tell anybody. — Aw, that's sweet.

Producer · Dan:Maybe you two should fuck differently, then. I don't know. — That's where I draw the line, man. I don't take notes on how I fuck.

Brie:I, however... I am willing to do anything, because I cannot lose this job, not before my wedding!

Producer · Brie · Dan:Um, also... just a little thing here... people don't like you in yellow. — Okay. — See? Told you.

Tom James · Selina:Yes, I wrote a blurb for your upcoming tome. — Of course you did. — Sight unseen.

Selina · Tom James:Yes, what is... the title is 'Investing with a Conscience'? — 'Conscience,' yes. — So, it's sci-fi?

Tom James:I guess my ego allowed me to believe that folksy, old Tom James was above all that beltway horseshit. And in the end, I just turned out to be another blue bottle fly feeding on a heaping mouthful of Seabiscuit's finest.

Selina:Wow! [beat — Selina's reaction to the Seabiscuit metaphor]

Selina · Tom James:If it makes you feel any better, if I was in your shoes, I probably would've tried to steal the presidency, too. — Well, that's what made the two of us such a beatable combination.

Selina:Well, I guess I will have to think outside my box.

Selina · Gary · Mike:Oh, my God, why did I have to fuck the last remaining gentleman in Washington? — God! — Who said that? Was that Dolley Madison? — It was James Madison.

Selina · Mike · Amy:Okay, Mike, get up. — So, how'd it go? — Well, he just begged me not to put it in. — So, none of it goes in the book? — No, it all goes in.

Roger Furlong · Dan Egan:Hey, did you get invited to the Meyer unveiling? — Everyone was unless you're a mole person who was cast out of his underground society for keistering sewer rats.

Roger Furlong:You are addicted to spending like the proverbial drunken sailor.

Jonah:Well, it's your casa white-o, as you would say.

Jonah · Jonah:You haven't heard the last of Jonah Ryan. — Okay, Jeffersons, sit down. The Black Caucus gets this room back in 20 minutes. I do not wanna piss those guys off.

Jefferson member · Jonah · Jefferson member:Cutting aid to Israel! — Whoa, no! We're not gonna do that. Are you crazy? — Cutting aid to veterans. — Great! — They volunteered, right?

Selina:Why do you keep saying Tom James and I made love? Are you a 15-year-old girl?

Selina · Mike:No, see, you gotta find a different word than 'screwed.' It's just hard to come up with so many different ways to curse.

Selina:Okay, so I have got a White House book that is hotter than Nancy Reagan's guide to cocksucking.

Selina · Richard · Gary:Richard, go and turn on CBS right now. — Hey, Tom James is on TV. — He looks good.

Tom James · Dan Egan:That's the reason I've always said that Selina Meyer's political acumen is sharp as any you'll find in Washington. — ...I did not expect to find myself on a couch in the Green Room at the White House, um... — Having sex with President Selina Meyer.

Selina · Mike:'Vanity Fair?' Mike, how did we not know about this? — They called me a couple months ago and I thought they were trying to get me to renew my prescription.

Tom James · Selina · Amy:She's a year older than me. — Okay, that is a fucking lie! — I mean, where's the follow-up question? — This is disinformation!

Interviewer · Tom James · Selina · Gary:Now, Senator, was President Meyer the aggressor? — Your word, not mine. — But again, yes. — I didn't rape him! — He wishes!

Selina · Mike:I can't believe I said that steaming turd of a book was a refreshing take on Wall Street aimed at your conscience and your funny bone. — Hey, you used my blurb! — Oh, quiet up, Mike.

Selina:I took Andrew's infidelity, Catherine's Catherine-ness, okay? But this I cannot take.

Selina:This is like Black History Month. It never fucking ends!

Gary · Selina · Amy:Do you want me to 69 him? — Oh, 86. — Yeah.

Gary:Nobody since Jackie has given as much for their country as you.

Gary:If Jackie Kennedy can go through the day with her husband's philandering brains all over her dress and her head held high... even though they made her ride around in a convertible like an animal, I might add...

Gary · Selina · Gary:you can go to the White House tomorrow and forget all about those 15 minutes where he couldn't even unzip the back of your dress. — Wait a minute, what? How do you know that? — It was in Mike's notes.

Selina:I'm not gonna have a good time. And if one person mentions Tom James to me, I'm gonna go piss in that punch bowl.

Roger Furlong:Well, well, well, sorry, boys, no votes today on legalizing tiny Fleshlights for micro wangs. — Except for you, Gellardi. I'd wager it takes a whole roll of duct tape to strap down your hog of a cock.

Roger Furlong:Now the clots in his legs are gonna rush to his brain. And maybe you were too busy biting James Bond's cable car wire to realize...

Roger Furlong · Will:if we don't raise the debt ceiling, America's financial system is gonna go belly-up like what, Will? — Like my labradoodle, Teddy, when I cover his cock in honey and give him a sticky licky.

Jonah:Well, maybe the government needs to be shut down because it's broken. And when something's broken, you shut it down, and then you turn it back on again like with a router.

Jonah:And if they didn't want me to shut down the government, then maybe they should've invited me to the Meyer unveiling!

Jonah:And if they didn't want me to shut down the government, then maybe they should've invited me to the Meyer unveiling!

Selina · Gary:Look at this place. It is such a dump, isn't it? — Although, I have to admit I sort of miss it. — Aw, and it misses you, too. The one who got away. — And now she's back for her big day!

Selina · Gary:Are you wearing makeup? — No. — Yeah.

Selina:I have no idea what these people's names are. — I know one thing... she's the one who put my sweater in the dryer.

Selina:What is this Dixie cup shit show? It's like we teleported to post-Katrina Mississippi.

Selina:Montez is really taking this Mexican thing too far.

Amy:Jonah and his merry band of jizz huffers drove their short bus right into the debt ceiling vote and T-boned the entire US economy.

Catherine:We just hit the 12-week mark. It's a boy. [REACTION BEAT — the room processes the gender reveal after all the gender politics discussion]

Roger Furlong · Amy · Will:Congressman Furlong — Brookheimer! Got your dong of a résumé. I know you'd chew your own arm off to escape being handcuffed to Meyers's overly toned corpse and her dungeon of losers, but I had to go in another direction. Tell her why, Will.

Will:You're stronger than me, and you have a higher reserve of dignity and self-worth. And I'm trapped in a cycle of abuse. Better luck next time.

Roger Furlong:Hey, Fuckleberry Finn! Christ, you got old.

Selina · Amy:You wanna work for that guy? — I really do.

Selina:Can I have a private word with you? — Would that be all right, or are you afraid that I'll rape you again?

Selina · Tom James:I came to you in good faith and I asked! — Well... — I did the classy thing. — Come on, we both know you were gonna go ahead and do it anyway. — Of course I was, but I had the courtesy to seem like I might not!

Tom James:You've got more issues than 'National Geographic.'

Selina · Tom James:Oh, oh, poor Tommy. He wanted me to call him afterwards. — Shut the fuck up!

Tom James · Alethia:Madam President, thank you for inviting us to your unveiling. — My wife is a huge fan. [beat — Tom James's wife appears]

Selina:Yeah, well, you know what, you can have your trophy wife and your trophy office and your trophy baby, who you won't even live to see go to college, but I still got to be president, and, tsk, you never will.

Selina:you can have your trophy wife and your trophy office and your trophy baby, who you won't even live to see go to college, but I still got to be president, and, tsk, you never will.

Selina · Tom James:I'm back. What the hell was that? — You really wanted me, didn't you? — There were sparks practically flying out of your dick!

Selina:No, no, I'm not talking about the Green Room. That was just a good, old-fashioned hate fuck.

Selina · Tom James:You want to throw me onto this couch and pin my legs behind my head and do me. — I am a happily married man, Selina. — Oh, that's not an answer!

Selina:Alethia? Is that her name or is that the pill you take to fuck her?

Alethia · Selina:I voted for you. — Well, it didn't help.

Selina · Tom James · Alethia:that when I was in the loony bin, I thought about you endlessly — Tom? — Sweetheart. This is my wife, Alethia.

Selina:Oh, wow, she looks awesome. I'd give my left tit for those tits.

President Montez · Gary · Selina:There are so many things that I would like to say about the extraordinary woman who was my predecessor here at the White House. — Here comes the love! — Shh, I know. Shh. — But unfortunately, I have to return to the Oval Office to deal with the shutdown.

Selina:I look around this room and I see so many portraits of... of so many of our great presidents... But I also like to think perhaps about their not-so-shining moments. And that, um... well, maybe none of it matters.

Selina:So, out of respect for the furlough, um, I think we should wrap things up. So, thank you so much. What a... what a wonderful thing. Thank you.

Selina · Gary · Mike:Yeah, that cow put the chair in the painting. — What chair? — The fucking chair in that painting is the chair that she made love to Andrew on. — I slept in that chair.

Selina · Gary · Mike:Yeah, that cow put the chair in the painting. — What chair? — The fucking chair in that painting is the chair that she made love to Andrew on. — I slept in that chair.

Selina:And look at my neck. I... no, in the painting! Look at my neck. I have pardoned turkeys with fewer waddles.

Selina:And look at my neck. I... no, in the painting! Look at my neck. I have pardoned turkeys with fewer waddles.

John Corbin · Selina:Not exactly. I have a law degree and served two tours in Afghanistan. — Oh, congrats.

Marjorie · Selina:Ma'am, the painting is stunning. — Well, thank you, Marjorie, but you're not exactly known for your good taste.

Selina:Jesus Christ, underage Muslim brides are less traumatized at their unveiling. Shh.

Selina · Gary · Jonah:At least Jonah wasn't here. — Hey, that's positive, see? — A lot of people are saying that I shut down the government. You're damn right, I did!

Jonah:I shut down the government for wasting our money. I shut down the government for interfering with our clocks and watches. I shut down the post office because everybody just uses email anyway. I shut down NPR because they're a total snoozefest, and they said this shutdown was a bad idea. I shut down the national parks so that your parents will have to take you someplace cool on vacation, like Disney World or Cancun or Mexico.

Dan:Wall Street, meanwhile, has reacted to the shutdown with what analysts are urging us not to label a panic.

Dan:Also, are we doing our laundry all wrong? Japanese efficiency experts say no. Plus, our own Buzzy Kanahale's gonna be reporting the weather from the place that matters the most... the beach.

Dan · Brie · Dan · Producer:I'm not down to my bathing suit weight yet, so. — Oh, please, Brie, I bet you could fill out a bikini quite nicely. — Oh, Dan. — Blech!

Dan · Audience member · Brie · Dan · Audience member:I'm Dan Egan. — Bring back Jane! — And I'm Brie Ramachandran. — Remember, every day starts with morning. — You suck! — Bye, now.