Blurb

Well, that just tickles my twat!

And Mike. - See, Mike? That is good writing.

So, today. That's a bit of a brain twister.

Richard, you have such a good sense of humor. Amy, you should take a cue from him, really.

Do you have some bai hao white tip? - I do!

There was an advance? - Quiet, quiet.

Hanukkah. - Canaan, Rabbi. Shut up, Nikhil.

This stupid hat is too small for my head. - Yarmulke. - Fine, this stupid hat is too small for my yarmulke.

Oh, good, 'cause all this learning is giving me a yarmulke ache.

Oh, Jesus Christ! I'm sorry, I can say that now and still get into heaven, right? Actually, Jonah, Jews don't believe in heaven.

Shut the fuck up, Nikhil! Wait, Shawnee, how am I gonna see my dog again? Is there, like, a Jew place for dogs?

We're fucked. I don't even remember any of that.

Some things are so dull, you have to block them out. No kidding. I mean, I'm sure that I played with Catherine when she was a child... but for the life of me, I can't remember one second.

So, is it a boy, is it a girl? - Oh, right. It's a baby. - No.

This is a human being you're making, not some Brooklyn-based, artisanal chocolate bar.

Okay, is that how we're talking now, Marjorie, like some sort of bi-curious Porky Pig?

I had an aunt who transitioned twice. She was trapped inside a man, and then that man was trapped inside of another woman. - Oh, like a turducken.

Leslie or Dana if it's a boy and... And for a girl we like Linus. - Seriously? - That feels like child abuse.

It'll be my first human birth, so.

Yeah, but, I mean, does anybody really give a shit about two average-looking lesbians?

Kent?! My snatch isn't a data port!

You... you said it was at the Congressional Ball. - Oh, did I say that? - I think so.

God, how can anybody jerk off to her with him sitting right there? - I'm sure you'll find a way, Congressman.

Because we worked for the president and didn't cost her the presidency. And because we don't look like Herman Munster's brother who liked to molest that pudgy werewolf kid.

Charlie, also played by Fred Gwynne. Season one, episode nine.

No, I'm bringing my jai alai instructor. - Female. - Ish.

Maybe I'm gonna go hire some women, and I'm gonna make them date me.

And I'm Dan Egan, bringing you your morning every morning of every day for many mornings to come.

You sound like a Scientologist.

Jesus, we were not fucking! - Okay, going down on each other, whatever. I don't wanna know!

But I... I'm actually fucking her. - Dan! - Aren't you engaged to a Yankee?

Maybe you two should fuck differently, then. I don't know. That's where I draw the line, man. I don't take notes on how I fuck.

So, it's sci-fi?

And in the end, I just turned out to be another blue bottle fly feeding on a heaping mouthful of Seabiscuit's finest.

Oh, my God, why did I have to fuck the last remaining gentleman in Washington? - God! - Who said that? Was that Dolley Madison? - It was James Madison.

Everyone was unless you're a mole person who was cast out of his underground society for keistering sewer rats. - I wasn't invited. - I know.

You are addicted to spending like the proverbial drunken sailor.

Well, it's your casa white-o, as you would say.

You haven't heard the last of Jonah Ryan.

Cutting aid to Israel! - Whoa, no! We're not gonna do that. Are you crazy? - Cutting aid to veterans. - Great! - They volunteered, right?

Okay, so I have got a White House book that is hotter than Nancy Reagan's guide to cocksucking.

She's a year older than me. - Okay, that is a fucking lie!

This is like Black History Month. It never fucking ends!

Do you want me to 69 him? - Oh, 86.

If Jackie Kennedy can go through the day with her husband's philandering brains all over her dress and her head held high, looking stunning, even though they made her ride around in a convertible like an animal, I might add, you can go to the White House tomorrow

even though they made her ride around in a convertible like an animal, I might add

where he couldn't even unzip the back of your dress. - Wait a minute, what? How do you know that? - It was in Mike's notes.

And if one person mentions Tom James to me, I'm gonna go piss in that punch bowl.

Well, well, well, sorry, boys, no votes today on legalizing tiny Fleshlights for micro wangs. Except for you, Gellardi. I'd wager it takes a whole roll of duct tape to strap down your hog of a cock.

Like my labradoodle, Teddy, when I cover his cock in honey and give him a sticky licky. - No, bad!

And when something's broken, you shut it down, and then you turn it back on again like with a router.

I know one thing... she's the one who put my sweater in the dryer. - Yes!

What is this Dixie cup shit show? It's like we teleported to post-Katrina Mississippi.

Congressman Furlong. - Brookheimer! Got your dong of a résumé.

You're stronger than me, and you have a higher reserve of dignity and self-worth. And I'm trapped in a cycle of abuse.

Of course I was, but I had the courtesy to seem like I might not!

You've got more issues than 'National Geographic.'

Oh, ho, ho! So, you did want me to call. Oh, oh, poor Tommy. He wanted me to call him afterwards.

Yeah, well, you know what, you can have your trophy wife and your trophy office and your trophy baby, who you won't even live to see go to college, but I still got to be president, and, tsk, you never will.

I swear to God, Tom James just wanted to fuck me right now. - What?! - Yeah, we had a real moment. But he's too much of a pussy to go for my pussy.

No, no, no, I'm not talking about the Green Room. That was just a good, old-fashioned hate fuck.

That when we were in Los Angeles and we walked out onto the stage to accept the nomination, and you grabbed my hand and you held it up high, and I was like, 'Oh, my God, he's holding my hand.'

Is that her name or is that the pill you take to fuck her?

But unfortunately, I have to return to the Oval Office to deal with the shutdown.

You know, because maybe in a hundred years, all that anyone will remember is that you have your portrait hanging on a wall in the White House.

Yeah, that cow put the chair in the painting. - What chair? - The fucking chair in that painting is the chair that she made love to Andrew on.

Look at my neck. I have pardoned turkeys with fewer waddles.

Jesus Christ, underage Muslim brides are less traumatized at their unveiling.

Remember, every day starts with morning.