Selina takes a trip. Meanwhile, Dan woos Jonah in order to get a coveted interview, and Amy convinces Selina to put her in charge of a very disorganized Mike.
Veep's darkest hour: 60 jokes in 60 minutes as political chaos hits bottom.
Directed by Beth McCarthy-Miller · Written by Ted Cohen
WAR
59.7
Wins Above Replacement
“Judge” ranks #32 of 65 Veep episodes on the Humor Index, scoring 80.6 — Elite. The episode packs 60 scored jokes at 1.4 per minute, averaging 7.0 on craft and 7.0 on impact, with Selina landing the most laughs. Every joke is ranked below with its individual craft and impact scores.
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Top Jokes
I'll tell you something, if I had a crib for every baby who died inside me, I could open up a Pottery Barn Kids.
Selina Dark/Subversive Character Comedy ★ Rewatch When Gary was in high school, I used to say Bruce still had a better chance of making the football team.
Judge Dark/Subversive Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Callback I am so sick of you lording over me how much you know about football and hair color and how much better dead baby Bruce is than me!
Gary Escalation Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Callback I'll show that oil-splatted cow-fucker that I'm open-minded and nonjudgmental.
Selina Irony/Sarcasm Character Comedy ★ Rewatch I skinned it and I made a fur vest and matching boots for my G.I. Joe doll.
Gary Character Comedy Cringe/Discomfort ★ Rewatch All Jokes — 60 analyzed
Show all ↓ Hide ↑ Oh, Kentucky fried Christ!
It's like Satan's humidor out here
Hey, Gary, how come your family doesn't have a Mongoloid kid on the porch playing banjo? / 'Cause he grew up and moved to DC.
It's like he's never seen his mother before
Selina Observational Character Comedy Why am I asking somebody who has sex one and a half times a year to do that?
It's White City. We couldn't afford Lynch City.
No one is gonna read that
Mike, do you have any awareness of what's been happening with newspapers in the last 10 years? / Not at all. I mean, truth is I don't even get 'em anymore. I just read the news on my phone. It's so much better and it's free.
Amy Mike Irony/Sarcasm Character Comedy ★ Rewatch I think we both found that solution very 'rosinable'
I do not want you to do that. / I will. / Don't. / I'm gonna. / No.
What does that mean? No butt-fucking Ned Beatty till the after party, I guess.
Yes, who hasn't said the N-word on television
Hey, everybody, not home an hour and Gary's carrying a Jimmy Choo purse.
I did not vote for you, but I do respect the office.
Judge Deadpan/Understatement Like Gary's dad
Selina Character Comedy Dark/Subversive ★ Rewatch It's not Gary's. It's his brother Bruce's. / Oh, I didn't know you had a brother. / Brue was his stillborn twin.
He had a huge heart. / Missing all its valves, though.
When Gary was in high school, I used to say Bruce still had a better chance of making the football team.
Judge Dark/Subversive Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Callback I'll tell you something, if I had a crib for every baby who died inside me, I could open up a Pottery Barn Kids.
Selina Dark/Subversive Character Comedy ★ Rewatch At least while the government's shut down, we won't have to pay taxes. That's not how it works.
I got this really cheap flight. Had, like, four layovers. / I really got here three hours early because we had to make an emergency landing in Birmingham because some guy took a poo on the beverage cart.
And, no, it wasn't me. I'm actually really blocked up from all the travel.
We're actually doing a 'herstorical' tour of great Southern female writers. / And where they killed themselves.
I tried to explain to him that Birmingham ranks low on the jihadi to-do list.
our family's got a brand-new imam who's just a lot more chill. I mean, I can engage in homosexual acts with the entire writing staff of Charlie Hebdo and nobody would say boo.
Jaffar Absurdist Character Comedy Hey, Dan, look at my sandwich. Remind you of Jane?
Jonah Character Comedy Visual Gag You're a freshman congressman who still uses his mother's Netflix password.
You said on-air that Bruce Hornsby was a member of the Grateful Dead. / He was a touring member from '90 to '92. He never officially joined.
Jesus Christ, it's not like I'm gonna rape the president. / Oh! / I'm sorry, did you just say you aren't going to rape the president?
Yeah, but I only have two months left of those Jiffy Jew classes. And after that, it's snip, snip, snip.
Jonah Character Comedy Absurdist ★ Rewatch Callback You know, I'm technically from the South. / Oh, is that right? / Yeah, Maryland had slaves. They just didn't secede. / So, they had it both ways?
I'll show that oil-splatted cow-fucker that I'm open-minded and nonjudgmental.
Selina Irony/Sarcasm Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Do you know that if 30,000 more people in Alabama had gone to the polls instead of smoking off-brand cigarettes through their neck holes at riverboat casino slot machines...
Amy Observational Character Comedy It's not urine, okay? It's probably just water from the urinal.
Did you have your pants on? / Of course I did. What are you talking about?
I skinned it and I made a fur vest and matching boots for my G.I. Joe doll.
Gary Character Comedy Cringe/Discomfort ★ Rewatch He had a dead animal in his pocket the whole time? / And you know what I did with it? I skinned it and I made a fur vest and matching boots for my G.I. Joe doll.
Oh, my goodness, I wish I could say the same thing. We need a drink. I'm seven years sober, Ma'am.
It's only got four wheels and there's no fucking hot tub in the back.
Jonah Character Comedy Absurdist We're gonna fuck bitches till they in stitches. Actually, I'm just kidding. I got engaged.
Jonah Character Comedy Misdirection 9-11, bitches! We're gonna fly two planes into the club!
Jonah Dark/Subversive Character Comedy We're just uncomfortable around so many Confederate flags. / And the lawn jockeys.
So, you know, Gary and I both have our swimming holes and our fishing holes and all the holes you could ever possibly want.
He just wanted to make his little girl as happy as a hound dog with a horse's Johnson.
There's no food here, and the baby and I just got so hungry, and I need you to not be mad at me because I just... I just had... I had one bite.
Marjorie Character Comedy Cringe/Discomfort Did your lady boss send you down to get her 'tampoons,' did she? / No, that's not till next week.
Judge Gary Character Comedy Cringe/Discomfort ★ Rewatch I am so sick of you lording over me how much you know about football and hair color and how much better dead baby Bruce is than me!
Gary Escalation Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Callback Just shut up, Daddy! I am so sick of you lording over me how much you know about football and hair color and how much better dead baby Bruce is than me!
Gary Character Comedy Escalation ★ Rewatch Callback I dropped it over the side of the Staten Island Ferry while pretending to be Melanie Griffith in 'Working Girl.'
Dan Character Comedy Absurdist when I was in high school, I used to pretend to be sick to stay home and jerk off to Jane McCabe.
Wait, this is Leon West's diary. / What? / Oh, my God, it is. / So, where's yours? / And the little boy with the broken roller skates? He grew up to be Egyptian President Anwar Sadat.
He's pissing himself!
Jonah Reaction Beat Character Comedy It's actually... it's like what my daddy used to say. He used to say, 'If that story was like a horse, it'd be a unicorn. 'Cause it was magical.'
Gary Callback Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Callback No wonder you had a heart attack when you were 39.
