Selina takes a trip. Meanwhile, Dan woos Jonah in order to get a coveted interview, and Amy convinces Selina to put her in charge of a very disorganized Mike.
Veep's darkest hour: 60 jokes in 60 minutes as political chaos hits bottom.
Directed by Beth McCarthy-Miller · Written by Ted Cohen
WAR
158.6
Wins Above Replacement
“Judge” ranks #22 of 65 Veep episodes on the Humor Index, scoring 94.1 — Elite. The episode packs 103 scored jokes at 2.4 per minute, averaging 7.5 on craft and 7.5 on impact, with Selina landing the most laughs. Every joke is ranked below with its individual craft and impact scores.
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Top Jokes
Selina: I'll tell you something, if I had a crib for every baby who died inside me, I could open up a Pottery Barn Kids.
Selina Dark/Subversive Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Callback Selina: It's actually... it's like what my daddy used to say. He used to say, 'If that story was like a horse, it'd be a unicorn. 'Cause it was magical.'
Selina Callback Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Callback Selina · Jaffar · Selina: I'm technically from the South. Maryland had slaves. They just didn't secede. / So they had it both ways? / Like Gary's dad.
Gary: I skinned it and I made a fur vest and matching boots for my G.I. Joe doll.
Gary Character Comedy Absurdist ★ Rewatch Judge: When Gary was in high school, I used to say Bruce still had a better chance of making the football team.
Judge Dark/Subversive Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Callback All Jokes — 103 analyzed
Show all ↓ Hide ↑ Selina: Oh, Kentucky fried Christ!
Selina Character Comedy Wordplay/Pun Selina: It's like Satan's humidor out here.
Selina Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement Selina: Flying a thousand miles to Alabama. I mean, is anyone as shocked as I am that I'm doing this? Well, I'm easily shocked, so probably not the best person to ask.
Selina Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm Gary · Selina: You coming to my birthday is what gave me the strength to get through that heart attack... and when I had my relapse. / You had a relapse? Oh, I thought you were just being lazy.
Gary Selina Character Comedy Dark/Subversive ★ Rewatch Selina · Gary: Hey, Gary, how come your family doesn't have a Mongoloid kid on the porch playing banjo? / 'Cause he grew up and moved to DC.
Selina Gary Setup/Punchline Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Selina: That's a real snatch-22.
Selina Wordplay/Pun Character Comedy Selina: Just email him back a hard no, but make it sound kind of sexy so he knows what he's missing. Why am I asking somebody who has sex one and a half times a year to do that?
Selina Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm Gary's mother / Imogene: It's White City. We couldn't afford Lynch City.
Gary's family members: He's always grooming some new associate in his law firm. / He takes his boys real, real seriously.
Judge (Gary's father): Hey, everybody, not home an hour and Gary's carrying a Jimmy Choo purse. Some things never change, huh?
Gary · Judge: It's for the president. The president, Judge. / Oh, the president! / Yes. / Hey, I was just joshing with ya. I was joshing with ya. / Ah! I know, okay. / Don't tear up, now. / I'm not. / You'll ruin your mascara.
Gary Judge Cringe/Discomfort Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Judge · Selina: I did not vote for you, but I do respect the office. / Okay, well, you didn't have to say that, but thank you very much. / I understand.
Judge: My God, that's a good-looking man. Looks like he works out. Does he work out?
Judge Character Comedy Dark/Subversive ★ Rewatch Imogene · Gary: Madam President, the two of you will be in separate bedrooms since you're not official yet. / Mama! / What? / Nope, nothing.
Imogene · Selina · Gary: It's not Gary's. It's his brother Bruce's. / Oh, I didn't know you had a brother. / Bruce was his stillborn twin. / He had a huge heart. / Missing all its valves, though.
Imogene · Selina: There is gonna be a raw bar. And the very best Southern chef. — Yes, who hasn't said the N-word on television.
Judge: When Gary was in high school, I used to say Bruce still had a better chance of making the football team.
Judge Dark/Subversive Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Callback Selina: Wow, no wonder I couldn't carry the South. I mean, none of the polling research mentioned a dead son's ghost crib.
Selina Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm Callback Selina: I'll tell you something, if I had a crib for every baby who died inside me, I could open up a Pottery Barn Kids.
Selina Dark/Subversive Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Callback Gary: The ghost is gone. / Hmm? / I mean, at least we think it's gone. Sometimes you hear crying, but that's usually just Mama.
Gary Dark/Subversive Deadpan/Understatement Jonah (TV ad): The Daylight Savings Time-loving bureaucrats have been 'punching the clock' on the taxpayers' dime for too long. Well, now it's time for me to punch a clock... [beat] ...with a hammer.
TV anchor / news panel: At least while the government's shut down, we won't have to pay taxes. / That's not how it works. / Oh!
Network executive / Jane · Dan: I don't know how to say this to you, Danny, but the network is not happy. We need a game changer. / Okay, well, I mean, we could go back to fucking.
Jane: Well, I wanted to wait till after the wedding, but...
Jane Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm Jane: You are fucking doing it, because I am not going back to Yahoo fucking Style!
Jane Character Comedy Escalation TV anchor: And up next, a long-lost letter from WWII finally delivered, ending a 60-year marriage.
TV anchor Dark/Subversive Deadpan/Understatement Mike · Selina: I got this really cheap flight. Had, like, four layovers. / I'm really sorry I asked that question.
Mike: I really got here three hours early because we had to make an emergency landing in Birmingham because some guy took a poo on the beverage cart. / And, no, it wasn't me.
Mike Character Comedy Escalation Richard: I tried to explain to him that Birmingham ranks low on the jihadi to-do list.
Richard Character Comedy Dark/Subversive Selina: Did you tell him your first name was Mohammad?
Selina Irony/Sarcasm Character Comedy Selina: Oh, please, suddenly now white lives matter?
Selina Irony/Sarcasm Dark/Subversive Jaffar: I mean, I can engage in homosexual acts with the entire writing staff of Charlie Hebdo and nobody would say boo.
Jaffar Dark/Subversive Absurdist Selina: Well, you're getting me all wet now.
Selina Character Comedy Wordplay/Pun Selina · Jaffar: Who donated that whole wing to Hughes's library? / Yeah, Quartie and I are dear friends. Our houses share a beach path and a vineyard. We don't let the public use it, of course.
Selina: You had me at beach path.
Selina Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm Jaffar: Yeah, Carly Simon is on the other side. You know, she has this tree. It just sort of hangs over the property line.
Jaffar Character Comedy Observational Selina: I'll show that oil-splatted cow-fucker that I'm open-minded and nonjudgmental.
Selina Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm Jaffar · Selina · Jaffar: Like Eva Gabor in Green Acres. / You had Green Acres in Qatar? / Oh, yes, but they censored all the scenes with Arnold Ziffel.
Selina · Jaffar · Selina: I'm technically from the South. Maryland had slaves. They just didn't secede. / So they had it both ways? / Like Gary's dad.
Dan: You're a freshman congressman who still uses his mother's Netflix password.
Dan Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm Jonah: Well, Fyvush Fuckhole disagrees.
Jonah Character Comedy Wordplay/Pun Jonah · Dan: Hi, Danny. I want tickets to a certain Broadway show that's impossible to get tickets to... 'Turn Off the Dark.' / That show closed years ago.
Dan / show producer · Jonah: You said on-air that Bruce Hornsby was a member of the Grateful Dead. / He was a touring member from '90 to '92. He never officially joined.
Candi (Jonah's fiancée) · Jonah · Candi: I wonder if we should get married in the fall or at New Year's. / Oh, I always thought... / I was talking to my father.
Jonah · Selina · Jonah · Selina · Jonah: Jesus Christ, it's not like I'm gonna rape the president. / Oh! / I'm sorry, did you just say you aren't going to rape the president? / Of course I'm not. Why would I say I would? / Why would you say you wouldn't? / Because I wouldn't! / I think maybe your people should come in, too.
Guard / staffer: Yeah, that's not a threat, that's a promise.
Selina · Jonah: You have accomplished more in one month than most extremely stupid people do in a lifetime. / That's very kind of you to say, Ma'am. / Shut the fuck up.
Jonah · Selina · Amy / staffer: And you'll get rid of Daylight Savings Time? / Oh, my... / Saving. / I cannot do that.
Jonah · Selina · Jonah's aide / Candi · Jonah: Why, because I'm Jewish? / Excuse me? / He's not Jewish yet, Ma'am. / Yeah, but I only have two months left of those Jiffy Jew classes. And after that, it's snip, snip, snip.
Jonah · Selina · Jonah: And as an almost-Jew, I will not stand by with this anti-almost-Semitism. / Why don't you take it up with the Anti-Defamation League? / The fuck is that? / Wow!
Amy: Do you know that if 30,000 more people in Alabama had gone to the polls instead of smoking off-brand cigarettes through their neck holes at riverboat casino slot machines, we would be working at the White House right now instead of hunting for your diary at a fucking truck stop in which I guarantee we are the only people who are not here to score speed or get their assholes licked.
Amy Character Comedy Escalation Dark/Subversive Mike · Amy: Well, after I ate, I went right to the bathroom because things started loosening up, you know. Whenever I drink coffee, usually... / I do not need details!
Mike Amy Character Comedy Cringe/Discomfort Callback Mike · Amy: Ha ha! Bingo! Got it. My jacket. / And? / And what? / Oh, no diary. Fuck! / Mike, I am going to choke you to death with your urine-soaked jacket.
Mike: It's not urine, okay? It's probably just water from the urinal.
Mike Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement Amy: God, Jesus! I can tell you that the diary is not in your ass crack because I have had a very good view of the strawberry fields for the last hour. Look, I lost my belt, okay?
Amy Character Comedy Visual Gag Mike · Amy: Look, I lost my belt, okay? When I went through security at Dulles, I left it at security. / Maybe the diary's there. / Okay, now we're going to Dulles.
Gary · Judge: What about my look and my makeup? I was thinking a smoky bronze eye. / God, don't you know that woman needs a pop of color? Classic red lip. That's what she needs.
Gary Judge Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm ★ Rewatch Selina · Gary: You can't let your father talk to you like that. He's always interrupting you and insulting you. / You're absolutely right. I've got to... / You have to stand up for yourself, stupid.
Selina · Gary: You were passed out? / Yeah. / And he was standing over you? / Yeah. / [beat] / Did you have your pants on?
Selina Gary Dark/Subversive Reaction Beat ★ Rewatch Callback Gary: I skinned it and I made a fur vest and matching boots for my G.I. Joe doll.
Gary Character Comedy Absurdist ★ Rewatch Ben: Jonah, you have to take the Montez deal. I never thought you'd last more than a week, but right now, you could piss on every grave in Arlington and still get reelected in November.
Ben Character Comedy Dark/Subversive Jonah · Ben: Thank you for your input. It's very much appreciated. You can clean out your office. / I don't have an office. I share a desk with Kent. / Well, then you can clean out your half-desk. / It's empty. / You're fired. / Okay. / All right. / See you around never, Ben... / Cafferty. / Yeah.
Selina: I wish I could say the same thing. [pause]
Selina Deadpan/Understatement Reaction Beat Jonah · Dan: We're gonna fuck bitches till they in stitches. / Actually, I'm just kidding. I got engaged. / Did you hear that? / Is she a foreigner? / No, just Jewish. / Oh, what's up now? 9-11, bitches! / We're gonna fly two planes into the club!
Jonah Dan Character Comedy Dark/Subversive Escalation Selina: Quartie, I'm a country girl. Okay? I think you keep forgetting that like you forgot to clean up that oil spill of yours in the Gulf.
Selina Character Comedy Setup/Punchline Selina: Like Gary, I, too, was born in the glory that is the deep south... of Maryland.
Selina Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm Callback Selina: So, you know, Gary and I both have our swimming holes and our fishing holes and all the holes you could ever possibly want. Right, Quartie?
Selina Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm Richard · another character: I'm learning so much about Selina tonight. / Me, too. I should update her Wikipedia page.
Selina: He just wanted to make his little girl as happy as a hound dog with a horse's Johnson.
Selina Character Comedy Wordplay/Pun Selina · Gary: And I think the birthday boy would like to say a few words. / Would you like to say a few words, Gar? / Gary, you wanna come up? / No.
Quartie: As my father used to say, 'If that speech was a horse, it'd be a unicorn. Magical!'
Quartie Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement ★ Rewatch Amy · Gary · Imogene: There's no food here, and the baby and I just got so hungry, and I need you to not be mad at me because I just... I just had... I had one bite. / [Gary arrives with a second plate of extra pork chops] / Imogene, not now. / I don't know who you are anymore.
Gary: Stewart, is that you?
Gary Dark/Subversive Misdirection ★ Rewatch Callback Gary · Judge: Jesus, Mary, and Robert E. Lee, Gary! / You startled me. / What are you doing... / Whoa, whoa, whoa, no, no. You snooping on me? / No, I wasn't snooping... / Oh, and what are you doing? Did your lady boss send you down to get her 'tampoons,' did she? / No, that's not till next week.
Gary Judge Character Comedy Cringe/Discomfort ★ Rewatch Callback Quartie: I tell you, if more people would've seen that side of you during the election, my God, you would've gotten their vote and you would've gotten mine.
Quartie Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm Gary: Just shut up, Daddy! I am so sick of you lording over me how much you know about football and hair color and how much better dead baby Bruce is than me!
Gary Character Comedy Escalation ★ Rewatch Callback Gary · Selina: I know your secret. You are... you are a bully! / No, that's not it. / You're a big, fat, flaming bully! / And you know what, you can take Teddy and Bobby and Stewart and the other Bobby, and you can be their daddy! / Eh, getting warmer.
Gary Selina Character Comedy Misdirection Dark/Subversive ★ Rewatch Callback Gary · Judge Walsh: You are a bully! — No, that's not it. — You're a big, fat, flaming bully! — Eh, getting warmer.
Gary: Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna slow dance with Mama.
Gary Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement Jane · Dan: Danny, where the fuck were you? I've been trying to call you all night. / A... it's Dan, and B... I don't have my phone because this morning's guest dropped it over the side of the Staten Island Ferry while pretending to be Melanie Griffith in 'Working Girl.'
TV staffer: We painted the green room green this time so there wouldn't be any confusion.
Dan · Jonah: What is the Host of Christmas Past doing here? — Our interview. Checkers, bitch.
Jonah: Dan, you've heard the old saying, 'You gotta keep your friends close and make your enemies take you out to Guy Fieri's restaurant in Times Square.'
Jonah Character Comedy Wordplay/Pun Jonah · Jane: I absolutely am because I hate your stupid, perfect face, and when I was in high school, I used to pretend to be sick to stay home and jerk off to Jane McCabe. / I just can't hear that story enough.
Dan · Jane: Well, congratulations, Jane. / Yeah. / You finally fucked me. / In the face.
Dan Jane Character Comedy Wordplay/Pun Amy · Mike · Amy · Mike · Amy: Do you know how expensive it is to freeze your eggs? / That's why you should adopt, Amy. / I'm not adopting. / The other day, Ellen was in her closet, eating cello bow rosin... / I really don't care, Mike.
Amy · Mike: Wait, this is Leon West's diary. / What? / Oh, my God, it is. / So, where's yours?
Amy Mike Character Comedy Setup/Punchline Mike · Amy: Wait, this is Leon West's diary. — What? — Oh, my God, it is. — So, where's yours?
Mike Amy Setup/Punchline Misdirection Callback TV anchor / narrator: And the little boy with the broken roller skates? He grew up to be Egyptian President Anwar Sadat. / Who, sadly, was assassinated.
News anchor · Jonah · News anchor · Jonah: Breaking news from Washington, DC, where an agreement has been reached to end the government shutdown. / I'm sorry, what? / We go live to the White House. / No, we don't. No, we...
Dan: He's pissing himself!
Dan Character Comedy Reaction Beat Imogene: Ooh, beat my wife with a frying pan, it's even hotter today.
Imogene Character Comedy Dark/Subversive Imogene · Selina: He went off this morning on a business trip with Stewart to Key West. / Ooh, I bet he went off to one of his special holes.
Gary / Richard: He said, 'All that hollering was a hoot,' and he wants to make a large donation to the library.
Gary · Imogene: There's so much I wanna say to you, Mama. / Well, we just won't say it.
Selina: Gary, it's 100-and-fuck degrees. Let's go! Come on! My God in heaven.
Selina Character Comedy Running Gag Callback Selina · Gary: Because I'm not going to apologize, you know? I would if I had something to apologize for, but I don't. / I certainly don't need to apologize for anything. / Okay, lookit, politicians borrow stuff all the time. / Personal stories? / Absolutely. / I mean, you should be honored that I would think your story was special enough to even consider using.
Selina · Gary: It's like what my daddy used to say. He used to say, 'If that story was like a horse, it'd be a unicorn. 'Cause it was magical.' / Oh. / Mm-hmm. / That's nice. / I did come all this way. / I know. / You know, like, a thousand miles or something, so... / I know. / I wish you'd be a little more grateful. / I'm sorry, I'm sorry. / That's okay. I accept your apology.
Selina Gary Character Comedy Callback Irony/Sarcasm ★ Rewatch Callback Selina: It's actually... it's like what my daddy used to say. He used to say, 'If that story was like a horse, it'd be a unicorn. 'Cause it was magical.'
Selina Callback Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Callback Selina · Gary: Ooh. What is this? / It's a children's portion, too. / No. / Yeah. / No wonder you had a heart attack when you were 39.
Gary · Selina: Get in there. Just tear that animal apart! / [Gary and Selina eat the ribs together, messy and enthusiastic] / You've got to admit I told it better, though. / Yeah, you did. You did.
Mike · Leon West: So, I just told the senator that that is a non-denial denial like in 'All the President's Men.' It's uh... sorry... it's got Robert Redford. / Nope, not taking that one. / All right, cool. I'll see you at lunch or around the office. / [awkward pause] / Fuck.