Selina's book finally arrives. Jonah has a big meeting. Dan, Ben and Kent grab a drink.
Escalation-driven character chaos sustains 78.8 despite lacking memorable standout punchlines.
Directed by Brad Hall · Written by Erik Kenward
WAR
201
Wins Above Replacement
“A Woman First” ranks #17 of 65 Veep episodes on the Humor Index, scoring 95.2 — Elite. The episode packs 128 scored jokes at 3.0 per minute, averaging 7.6 on craft and 7.5 on impact, with Selina Meyer landing the most laughs. Every joke is ranked below with its individual craft and impact scores.
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Top Jokes
Uncle Jeff: The people of New Hampshire are gonna be so grateful to me, I'm gonna be like a disability check wrapped around a pack of no-filter cigarettes.
Uncle Jeff Observational Character Comedy Dark/Subversive ★ Rewatch Marjorie · Selina Meyer: Catherine's been diagnosed with an incompetent cervix. — Well, why should her cervix be any different than the rest of her?
Selina Meyer: Woodward minus Bernstein plus Propecia.
Selina Meyer Wordplay/Pun Character Comedy Setup/Punchline ★ Rewatch Selina Meyer · Leon West · Amy: You can have Amy. — Wait, I don't understand. — You can have her. — [long pause] — Probably better from behind, though, you know...
Gary · Amy: I'm not mentioned in this book until page 134. — I once dry-shaved that woman's legs under her desk during a cabinet meeting. — Yeah, I'm not in there till 213, and I wrote the book.
Gary Amy Character Comedy Escalation Cringe/Discomfort ★ Rewatch All Jokes — 128 analyzed
Show all ↓ Hide ↑ Unknown speaker: Suddenly now white lives matter?
Unknown speaker: What is the host of Christmas past doing here?
Unknown speaker: Oh, good. 'Cause all this learning is giving me a yamaka-ache.
Selina Meyer · companion: Just the two of us. — And Gary. — So passionate.
Selina Meyer · Gary: Oh, and not to mention the topless beach. — I didn't see anything.
Marjorie · Selina Meyer: Catherine's been diagnosed with an incompetent cervix. — Well, why should her cervix be any different than the rest of her?
Catherine · Selina Meyer · Gary: Before you even ask, we have taken a break from sex, specifically penetrative sex. — She has a penis? — I don't know.
Selina Meyer: Well, this isn't bed rest, this is couch rest.
Selina Meyer · Gary: Did you put a towel or anything underneath her? Because, girls, this is imported French linen. — Maybe a waterproof tarp. — Yes, actually, or even a garbage bag, you know, in case she leaks.
Jaffar · Selina Meyer · Amy: "First Woman." — Yeah. — You could get murdered in my country for saying something like that. — It's a bit of a pun. — No, it's not.
Unknown staffer · Amy: There's a typo on the first page. — The first sentence. — 'From the moment I entered the the White House.'
Selina Meyer · Amy · Richard: Well, that's on you, Amy, because you were in charge of the book. — That's copy editing. — Congratulations again, Amy.
Jaffar Callback Running Gag ★ Rewatch Callback Richard: Which, again, is tomorrow night, not tonight, despite the title.
Richard Deadpan/Understatement Character Comedy Mike/staffer: And you're doing the 'Today' show one week from yesterday.
Gary · Selina Meyer: Oh, it's Catherine's uterine tea. — Yeah, it's a broth of red raspberry leaf, black haw, and false unicorn root. — I hope that's going in your mouth.
Selina Meyer: Whatever happened to half a bottle of red wine and three Virginia Slims?
Gary · Amy: I'm not mentioned in this book until page 134. — I once dry-shaved that woman's legs under her desk during a cabinet meeting. — Yeah, I'm not in there till 213, and I wrote the book.
Gary Amy Character Comedy Escalation Cringe/Discomfort ★ Rewatch Richard: Ooh, page 93, suckers! 'As Gary poured my tea, I realized the hostages...' Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
Richard Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement ★ Rewatch Unknown staffer · Richard: Did you make the book? — Just the dedication.
Jonah · Kent: Oh, God damn it, this office sucks my nard! — A punishment from Congressman Furlong and the speaker and the president. — An astonishing bipartisan agreement.
Jonah · Kent: Let's see if I'm in here. — Jordan, jobs... — Try Ryan. — I know, Kent. I was looking up jobs because they're important to the American people. — R-Y-A... — I know how to spell my last name, Kent.
Jonah: Are you fucking kidding? I'm not in here. — I ruined her administration, like, four times. — You'd think that'd count for something.
Jonah Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm ★ Rewatch Kent: 12 mentions. Adequate.
Kent Deadpan/Understatement Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Kent: The shutdown really hurt you in Massachusetts' anus. AKA New Hampshire.
Kent Character Comedy Observational Deadpan/Understatement ★ Rewatch Jonah · Kent: Whoa, I'm only up five on Skeevy Deevy? — I went to summer camp with that dude and he was too afraid to get changed in front of the other boys. — I thought that was you. — No, I'm pretty sure it was him. — It was you. — How do you know, Kent? Were you at that summer camp?
Jonah Kent Character Comedy Escalation Cringe/Discomfort Sherman Tanz: I suppose I should've hired some goons to kick the shit out of you, but you're dating my daughter, so.
Sherman Tanz Dark/Subversive Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement Sherman Tanz · Shawnee: If you stay with him, you're cut off. — Okay. — If you change your mind before dinner, we're having Peking Gourmet. — I'm not coming, but order me some slippery shrimp just in case.
Jonah · Shawnee: Babe, did you give up your inheritance for me? — Are you out of your fucking mind? I still have my trust.
Dan · co-anchor Brie: As you may have heard, today marks my departure from the 'CBS Morning Show with Dan Egan.' But you'll still be able to find me weekly on our CBS digital platforms. — Podcast. — What?
Dan · Jane: I mean, you've been with this network for how many decades now? — I mean, Jane... I will always remember Jane covering the moon landing. — I mean, I studied that footage. — That beautiful black and white stuff. — Before me. — It was just fantast... well, regardless...
Dan Jane Cringe/Discomfort Escalation Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Jane · Dan: I told them you didn't want cake. — Oh, my God, I love this!
Jane Dan Character Comedy Reaction Beat Selina Meyer · Amy: Is it bad? — Can I have a drink? I feel a little dehydrated. — It's kind of like the wave in 'The Perfect Storm,' except in this case, the wave is made out of shit and our boat is also made out of shit.
Selina Meyer: He had a GED, guys.
Selina Meyer: Oh, my God, they're talking about my eye job? — Chinese cover-up over the tweet. — This isn't an article, this is a gang bang on a pinball machine!
Selina Meyer · Amy · Gary · other staffers: Who despises me like this?! — Well, there's President Montez, Tom James... — The White House maids, the steward. — White working class voters. — Nobody! — Everybody loves you! — Shut up!
Selina Meyer: What have you and your 47 tangled chromosomes done?!
Mike: I should've gotten a diary with a little lock on it, but I didn't wanna lock myself out.
Mike Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement ★ Rewatch Selina Meyer · Amy · Mike: How long have you known about this? — Since Alabama. — But to be fair, we thought we were on top of it. — Oh, really? Well, now it's on top of you, it's knocked your teeth out, and it's making sweet love to your face!
Selina Meyer: Get out of here, you great walrus Judas!
Jonah: Oh, dang! What's up, white boys? — Yo, you guys ready to drop that rock? — Gellardi, hit me, I'm open.
Jonah Character Comedy Cringe/Discomfort Jonah · Congressman · Furlong: Oh, really? Why are you picking me? — Because you're so tall. — Oh, God, who the fuck invited Dikembe Mutomtard?
Furlong: A little word of advice, Congressman, don't wear the shorts. Even Kobe Bryant wouldn't rape you in those things.
Furlong Dark/Subversive Character Comedy Furlong: Lookie here, we got old Jesus with a camel toe and his child molester goggles and the headband, of course, 'cause you don't want the sweat getting in your eyes when you're choking them out afterwards.
Furlong Character Comedy Escalation Dark/Subversive Will: Balls are the only thing keeping me from choking on cocks. Without balls, I'd be swallowing dicks whole just like Joey Chestnut.
Will Absurdist Character Comedy Dark/Subversive Jonah · Will: Boom goes the dynamite. — You're fired.
Amy: I just got a lecture from a 22-year-old piss twat with a SUNY Binghamton degree who says that she thinks that you chickened out because of the 'Post' article.
Amy Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm Selina Meyer: My presidency just got caught with a tranny hooker on Sunset Boulevard, and I have to make America think that I was just giving her a ride home.
Mike: Actually, I did write a zinger for 'The Tonight Show' about Ray. 'In sleeping with my trainer, I think you could say I did not exercise good judgment.'
Mike Wordplay/Pun Character Comedy Selina Meyer: And maybe give him some of that lesbian cooze potion.
Amy: You know what I think? You sound like the world's gayest AM radio show.
Amy Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm staffer · Amy · Selina Meyer: Well, he really likes Amy. — Amy who? — Ew! No!
Selina Meyer: Come on, nobody's asking you to engage in some sort of human pleasurable activity. — I know that's not your bag.
Gary · other staffer: One of these days, she's gonna make that face and that eyeball of hers is gonna pop out and shoot across the room. — Yeah. Boing!
Selina Meyer: Woodward minus Bernstein plus Propecia.
Selina Meyer Wordplay/Pun Character Comedy Setup/Punchline ★ Rewatch Selina Meyer: ...and I do 'cause I slept with him for two years... — Still off the record.
Leon West · Selina Meyer: You can go ahead. We're the 'Washington Post' and we have been sued by better terrible presidents than you. — Name one.
Selina Meyer · Leon West · Amy: You can have Amy. — Wait, I don't understand. — You can have her. — [long pause] — Probably better from behind, though, you know...
Leon West · Selina Meyer: Good evening. — Yeah, I don't blame you.
Selina Meyer · Gary: Can you stop blowing on my legs like that? — I'm drying the 'glow-tion.' — Don't use the word 'glow-tion.'
Amy: Oh, it is beyond a dump. It is a toxic infant blowout out both diaper legs and up the back of the onesie.
Amy Character Comedy Escalation Amy · Selina Meyer · Mike: It's got the soldier whose leg you lost. — Oh, my God, the lost leg. Ooh! — Surrounded by Mike's poorly drawn doodles of legs. — I'm sorry, Mike. — It looks like arms. — I'm better at arms. You should see the page where I wrote about the arms dealer.
Selina Meyer: Why do you work for me, you stupid mustache?!
Mike: We were telling so many lies, I had to write them down to keep them straight. — Any decent lawyer would've told me to do that.
Mike Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm Amy · Selina Meyer · Mike: They know that you 100% knew about the mining of those dead kids' social security and medical data. — No. — Well, I can't do the show. — I don't have a zinger for that one.
Selina Meyer · staffer · Amy: Okay, look, Tiffany, I am so happy to be here, but unfortunately, I've just gotten this emergency call... — Pregnant daughter. — ...from my pregnant daughter... — The baby is in distress. — ...and her baby is in such distress.
Mike · Kent/Ben: I was a patsy, but to my knowledge, this is just the tip of the iceberg. These revelations will continue to come out in a steady drip, drip, drip... — Balls. — ...like the leaky prison faucet I was forced to drink from.
Selina Meyer: Finally got Catherine down. — I could never get her down. She was always so scared about monsters everywhere, you know, under her bed and behind the curtain and in the closet. — Although, actually, one time, Andrew did hide one of his women in the closet, so she had reason to be somewhat alarmed.
Selina Meyer Character Comedy Dark/Subversive Misdirection ★ Rewatch Jaffar: Well, it's been quite a year for the Meyer Fund for Adult Literacy, AIDS, the Advancement of Global Democracy, Military Family Assistance, and Childhood Obesity.
Jaffar Absurdist Character Comedy Jaffar · Selina: Childhood obesity. You sent me an email about it last month at 4:00 AM. / I forgot. I was looking at Catherine's baby pictures.
Selina Meyer: From the moment I have left office, it has been nothing but a giant slalom down Mount McRimjob, brown diamond.
Jaffar · Selina Meyer: You know, my uncle, he poisoned an entire village with sarin gas. — Ooh, that is worse. Thank you very much for that.
Jaffar · Selina Meyer: I've got a plane that's fully fueled always and ready to go at any moment. — Why? Why is your plane always fueled? — Well, you know, in case... Let's just say that I've got some cousins... — Yeah. — ...who sometimes get very angry at some of your tall buildings.
Dan: Dipshit Mike and his shit-dip diary. 'Amy committed perjury today,' written in crayon and mustard stains.
Dan Character Comedy Wordplay/Pun Mike · Dan/Ben: I wouldn't mind a little time in prison, get away from my wife, spend time with guys who get it. — Yeah, learn a trade.
Mike Dan/Ben Character Comedy Dark/Subversive Deadpan/Understatement Mike · Dan: What's next for the great Dan Egan? — Any job leads? — I thought about teaching high school, but, I mean, girls these days just can't keep a secret.
Mike Dan Character Comedy Dark/Subversive Dan · Amy: Yeah, she's telling Page Six that she and Brie are clam slamming. — Vaginas are so gross. — I wish I didn't have one. — Sometimes I forget I do. — Yeah, yeah, we all do.
Dan Amy Character Comedy Escalation Deadpan/Understatement ★ Rewatch Amy · Dan: I gotta get up early, 'cause Selina's... — Yeah, make it a double. — Atta girl.
Amy Dan Character Comedy Reaction Beat TV announcer: Breaking news from the 'Washington Post'... Comes the revelation that it was President Selina Meyer and not President Laura Montez who negotiated with the Chinese president to free Tibet.
Selina Meyer: Well, the history books are being rewritten, and this time, it's not Texas saying Satan made fossils.
Jaffar Deadpan/Understatement Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Callback Richard · Mike: This is the best day we've had since I started working for you. — I guess it was actually good I lost the diary.
Richard · Selina Meyer: We're getting requests for confirmation from all the big Tibetan papers, except for the 'Lhasa Express,' though. — They're playing their usual games.
Selina Meyer: Take that cum shot in all four eyes, Leon.
Selina Meyer: You should've taken Amy and walked away. — Hmm? — Nothing.
Jane McCabe (on TV) · Selina Meyer: If she were a man, you would call that confidence. — Yeah, tell it, sister! Kick him in the cunt. — I adore Jane McCabe.
Selina Meyer · staffer: Montez is not gonna be happy. — It's gonna put a real turd in her chalupa. — Oh, we should get Mexican for lunch.
Selina Meyer · staffer: Yale University president's office? — Oh. — Okay, and she knows what this is regarding, Yale? — Give me that. I'm talking. Hello, this is President Meyer.
Selina Meyer · Amy · Gary: Guess who is interested, all of a sudden, in the Selina Meyer Presidential Library. — Shut up! — Andrew. — What? — Your ex. — No. Yale! — I thought you went to Smith. — No, it's in the book that you wrote. — Right, right, right, right.
Dan · Richard: Hey, Kent, free at last, free at last. — I've been fired three times in my life... from the US Postal Service Office of Investigations, by the Seattle Seahawks, and by Jonah Ryan. — I cried each time. This time, it was tears of joy.
Kent · Ben: I might get my teeth re-whitened. — Maybe we could start a new business, take our shit show on the road. — Yeah, easier than explaining yards after the catch to Steve Largent.
Kent Ben Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement Ben · Kent: If we do this, though, one rule... no McLintock. — No shit.
Ben Kent Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement Dan · Kent: Maybe we could start a new business, take our shit show on the road. / Yeah, easier than explaining yards after the catch to Steve Largent.
Dan Kent Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement ★ Rewatch Callback Ben: The three Meyersketeers hang a shingle?
Ben Wordplay/Pun Character Comedy Dan · Ben/Kent: I'm gonna bid you farewell because this face belongs in broadcasting and I start a new gig tomorrow. — Drinks are on you. Bye. — You'll be sorry.
Jonah · Doctor: Am I Jewish? — Your circumcision was a success, Mr. Ryan.
Doctor · Jonah: No erection for six weeks. — Well, I don't know how I'm not gonna get it hard when I'm talking about my hog with some hot 'shiska' nurse. — I'm your doctor, and it's shiksa. — I'll check on you later. — I'm pretty sure it's 'shiska.'
Doctor Jonah Character Comedy Cringe/Discomfort Wordplay/Pun Jonah · Doctor: Well, I don't know how I'm not gonna get it hard when I'm talking about my hog with some hot 'shiska' nurse. / I'm your doctor, and it's shiksa. / I'll check on you later. / I'm pretty sure it's 'shiska.'
Jonah Doctor Character Comedy Cringe/Discomfort Wordplay/Pun Jonah · Shawnee: Babe, so far, being Jewish really sucks. — Will you pass me one of those ice packs, please? — Here you go, sweetie. — Thank you. — At least your dick won't smell like donkey pussy anymore. — Oh, God, I told you that was expired lube.
Uncle Jeff: Wishes belong in the bottom of a well with unwanted girl children.
Uncle Jeff Dark/Subversive Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Uncle Jeff: For shitting the urinal so badly, you made the Hindenburg look like a normal, on-time blimp landing.
Uncle Jeff Character Comedy Dark/Subversive Wordplay/Pun ★ Rewatch Shawnee · Uncle Jeff · Jonah: Uh, you can't talk to him like that. — Who is this tranny knuckle-dragger? — Somebody you hired to make sure you don't get erections? — That tranny knuckle-dragger is my fiancée.
Uncle Jeff: Shut the fuck up, you epileptic Picasso painting!
Uncle Jeff Character Comedy Setup/Punchline ★ Rewatch Jonah · Shawnee · Uncle Jeff: That tranny knuckle-dragger is my fiancée. / Jonah! / Her name is Shawnee Tanz, and you will treat her with respect. / Tanz as in Sherman Tanz? / That's right. He's my father. / Oh, royalty.
Uncle Jeff · Shawnee: I suppose I should say I'm sorry. — Thank you. — Sorry you're even related to that human melted candle who puts the Jew in 'why people hate Jews.'
Uncle Jeff: I am pulling this creature from the jizz lagoon right off the New Hampshire congressional ballot and replacing him with his cousin, Ezra.
Uncle Jeff: Ezra has more raw political talent in the tip of his rosy-head pecker than you have in this mangled abortion coat hanger you should be ashamed to call your body.
Uncle Jeff Character Comedy Escalation Dark/Subversive ★ Rewatch Uncle Jeff: Ezra has more raw political talent in the tip of his rosy-head pecker than you have in this mangled abortion coat hanger you should be ashamed to call your body.
Uncle Jeff Character Comedy Dark/Subversive Escalation ★ Rewatch Uncle Jeff: The people of New Hampshire are gonna be so grateful to me, I'm gonna be like a disability check wrapped around a pack of no-filter cigarettes.
Uncle Jeff Observational Character Comedy Dark/Subversive ★ Rewatch Jonah · Shawnee: Okay, yeah, that makes sense. My teachers had to do that all the time. — No, with us... You and me. — What?
Jonah: Is that before or after I scheduled the surgery to cut my dick off so you could marry me?
Jonah Character Comedy Escalation Jonah: What the fuck does that even mean? Is that before or after I scheduled the surgery to cut my dick off so you could marry me?
Jonah Character Comedy Dark/Subversive Cringe/Discomfort Callback Uncle Jeff · Shawnee · Jonah: I'm so glad I came in person and didn't call. — Goodbye, Jonah. — Sorry. — Come on, honey, I'll walk you out. — Oh, that's nice of you. — Are you parked in the garage?
Uncle Jeff · Shawnee · Uncle Jeff: I'm so glad I came in person and didn't call. — Goodbye, Jonah. — Sorry. — Come on, honey, I'll walk you out. — Oh, that's nice of you. — Are you parked in the garage?
Jonah: Ow! Nurse! [Jonah alone in hospital room]
Jonah Physical/Slapstick Reaction Beat staffer · Selina Meyer: Leon West just called for the seventh time. He says he wants you to... — He wants to gargle my nuts and tickle my taint? — Tell him to get in line.
staffer · Richard: Oh, ma'am, the publisher said we're getting some book reviews in. — Oh, the 'Lhasa Express' gives it five namastes.
staffer · Selina Meyer: Ma'am, Catherine's in an ambulance. — She's having some bad bleeding. — Oh, my God, on the couch? — Did they put the garbage bags down?
staffer · Selina Meyer · Jaffar: One of us should go? — Well, what are you standing here for? — You're the donor. — Oh, father.
Tonight Show host · Jaffar: Do you need to leave? — Where do I stand? — Oh, right there on the mark. — On the thing? Okay. Thank you.
Dan (on TV screen) · Gary/other character: Hi, there. Welcome to 'CBS This Ride.' I'm your host, Dan Egan, bringing you exclusive content... right here in New York City Yellow Cabs. — Oh, no, no, no, no. Off. — ...Sir, how do you... I can't get the screen to go off. — Come on, how the fuck do you turn this thing off?!
Selina Meyer: Yes, in sleeping with my trainer, I did not exercise good judgment.
Selina Meyer Wordplay/Pun Callback Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Callback Tonight Show host · Selina Meyer: By the way, this is quite a photo on the cover. — It's really, really nice. — Thank you. — Do I need, like, special glasses to be able to see this in focus? — Or how does this work?
child reviewer Melanie: 'Publisher Weekly' calls it 'Scattered and disjointed, much like the Meyer presidency.'
child reviewer Ruby: The 'New York Post' says, 'Remainder City.'
child reviewer Elliot · Selina Meyer · Tonight Show host: 'The New Yorker' called it 'A trite, monotonous tune that's as inconsequential as any...' — I am still a young woman. Yeah. — Looks at my hands. — Gorgeous. — Look at my neck. — Okay.
Selina Meyer: The library staircase goes right up and smashes through the glass ceiling. — Exactly what it's like to be a woman.
Tonight Show host · Selina Meyer: How come you never talk about your stay in Arizona? — Leon West will not let go. — He follows me around and thinks about me 24/7, nonstop. — Cuckoo.