Selina's book finally arrives. Jonah has a big meeting. Dan, Ben and Kent grab a drink.
Escalation-driven character chaos sustains 78.8 despite lacking memorable standout punchlines.
Directed by Brad Hall · Written by Erik Kenward
WAR
63
Wins Above Replacement
“A Woman First” ranks #44 of 65 Veep episodes on the Humor Index, scoring 78.8 — Elite. The episode packs 64 scored jokes at 1.5 per minute, averaging 7.1 on craft and 6.9 on impact, with Selina landing the most laughs. Every joke is ranked below with its individual craft and impact scores.
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Top Jokes
I once dry-shaved that woman's legs under her desk during a cabinet meeting.
Gary Cringe/Discomfort Escalation ★ Rewatch Well, why should her cervix be any different than the rest of her?
Selina Character Comedy Cringe/Discomfort ★ Rewatch This isn't an article, this is a gang bang on a pinball machine!
Selina Escalation Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Well, now it's on top of you, it's knocked your teeth out, and it's making sweet love to your face!
Selina Escalation Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Shut the fuck up, you epileptic Picasso painting!
All Jokes — 64 analyzed
Show all ↓ Hide ↑ Suddenly now white lives matter?
Selina Dark/Subversive Irony/Sarcasm ★ Rewatch What is the host of Christmas past doing here?
Selina Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm 'Cause all this learning is giving me a yamaka-ache.
Well, why should her cervix be any different than the rest of her?
Selina Character Comedy Cringe/Discomfort ★ Rewatch Did you put a towel or anything underneath her? Because, girls, this is imported French linen.
Selina Character Comedy Cringe/Discomfort ★ Rewatch or even a garbage bag, you know, in case she leaks.
Selina Cringe/Discomfort Escalation ★ Rewatch You could get murdered in my country for saying something like that.
Jaffar Dark/Subversive Character Comedy From the moment I entered the the White House.
Amy Visual Gag Cringe/Discomfort Now that's a pun!
Richard Meta/Self-Referential Deadpan/Understatement Which, again, is tomorrow night, not tonight, despite the title.
Richard Observational Deadpan/Understatement Whatever happened to half a bottle of red wine and three Virginia Slims?
Selina Character Comedy Observational My cervix is as tight as a snare drum.
I once dry-shaved that woman's legs under her desk during a cabinet meeting.
Gary Cringe/Discomfort Escalation ★ Rewatch I know how to spell my last name, Kent.
Jonah Character Comedy Reaction Beat Are you fucking kidding? I'm not in here. I ruined her administration, like, four times. You'd think that'd count for something.
Jonah Irony/Sarcasm Character Comedy ★ Rewatch The shutdown really hurt you in Massachusetts' anus. AKA New Hampshire.
Kent Wordplay/Pun Deadpan/Understatement Whoa, I'm only up five on Skeevy Deevy?
Jonah Wordplay/Pun Character Comedy I went to summer camp with that dude and he was too afraid to get changed in front of the other boys.
Jonah Irony/Sarcasm Character Comedy ★ Rewatch It was you. How do you know, Kent? Were you at that summer camp?
Are you out of your fucking mind? I still have my trust.
Shawnee Character Comedy Misdirection I mean, Jane... I will always remember Jane covering the moon landing. I mean, I studied that footage. That beautiful black and white stuff.
Dan Character Comedy Cringe/Discomfort ★ Rewatch I told them you didn't want cake.
Unknown Reaction Beat Deadpan/Understatement It's kind of like the wave in 'The Perfect Storm,' except in this case, the wave is made out of shit and our boat is also made out of shit.
Amy Setup/Punchline Escalation ★ Rewatch This isn't an article, this is a gang bang on a pinball machine!
Selina Escalation Character Comedy ★ Rewatch What have you and your 47 tangled chromosomes done?!
Selina Character Comedy Escalation ★ Rewatch I should've gotten a diary with a little lock on it, but I didn't wanna lock myself out.
Mike Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm ★ Rewatch Well, now it's on top of you, it's knocked your teeth out, and it's making sweet love to your face!
Selina Escalation Character Comedy ★ Rewatch God, get out of here, you great walrus Judas!
Selina Character Comedy Wordplay/Pun ★ Rewatch What's up, white boys? Yo, you guys ready to drop that rock?
Jonah Cringe/Discomfort Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Oh, God, who the fuck invited Dikembe Mutomtard?
Jonah Wordplay/Pun Character Comedy Even Kobe Bryant wouldn't rape you in those things.
Will Dark/Subversive Cringe/Discomfort Balls are the only thing keeping me from choking on cocks. Without balls, I'd be swallowing dicks whole just like Joey Chestnut.
My presidency just got caught with a tranny hooker on Sunset Boulevard, and I have to make America think that I was just giving her a ride home.
Selina Setup/Punchline Escalation ★ Rewatch In sleeping with my trainer, I think you could say I did not exercise good judgment.
Amy Wordplay/Pun Setup/Punchline And maybe give him some of that lesbian cooze potion.
Selina Character Comedy Wordplay/Pun ★ Rewatch Callback You sound like the world's gayest AM radio show.
Selina Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm Come on, nobody's asking you to engage in some sort of human pleasurable activity. I know that's not your bag.
Selina Character Comedy Cringe/Discomfort ★ Rewatch One of these days, she's gonna make that face and that eyeball of hers is gonna pop out and shoot across the room.
Selina Visual Gag Escalation ★ Rewatch Woodward minus Bernstein plus Propecia.
Selina Wordplay/Pun Character Comedy ★ Rewatch and I do 'cause I slept with him for two years...
Selina Cringe/Discomfort Character Comedy ★ Rewatch You can have Amy. You can have her. Probably better from behind, though, you know...
Selina Cringe/Discomfort Character Comedy ★ Rewatch It is a toxic infant blowout out both diaper legs and up the back of the onesie.
Amy Escalation Setup/Punchline ★ Rewatch We were telling so many lies, I had to write them down to keep them straight. Any decent lawyer would've told me to do that.
Mike Irony/Sarcasm Character Comedy ★ Rewatch I was a patsy, but to my knowledge, this is just the tip of the iceberg. These revelations will continue to come out in a steady drip, drip, drip... like the leaky prison faucet I was forced to drink from.
Although, actually, one time, Andrew did hide one of his women in the closet, so she had reason to be somewhat alarmed.
Selina Character Comedy Escalation ★ Rewatch Why is your plane always fueled? Well, you know, in case... Let's just say that I've got some cousins... who sometimes get very angry at some of your tall buildings.
Jaffar Dark/Subversive Escalation ★ Rewatch Amy committed perjury today, written in crayon and mustard stains.
Selina Character Comedy Visual Gag ★ Rewatch I thought about teaching high school, but, I mean, girls these days just can't keep a secret.
Dan Dark/Subversive Cringe/Discomfort Yeah, she's telling Page Six that she and Brie are clam slamming. Vaginas are so gross. I wish I didn't have one. Sometimes I forget I do.
Dan Cringe/Discomfort Character Comedy Well, the history books are being rewritten, and this time, it's not Texas saying Satan made fossils.
Selina Observational Character Comedy ★ Rewatch God bless the media and their 'fly hitting a windshield' attention span!
Gary Observational Setup/Punchline Take that cum shot in all four eyes, Leon.
Selina Character Comedy Wordplay/Pun ★ Rewatch It's gonna put a real turd in her chalupa.
Selina Character Comedy Wordplay/Pun The three Meyersketeers hang a shingle?
Ben Wordplay/Pun Setup/Punchline Shut the fuck up, you epileptic Picasso painting!
That tranny knuckle-dragger is my fiancée.
Jonah Cringe/Discomfort Character Comedy I am pulling this creature from the jizz lagoon right off the New Hampshire congressional ballot
Ezra has more raw political talent in the tip of his rosy-head pecker than you have in this mangled abortion coat hanger you should be ashamed to call your body.
Is that before or after I scheduled the surgery to cut my dick off so you could marry me?
Jonah Cringe/Discomfort Escalation ★ Rewatch Callback He wants to gargle my nuts and tickle my taint?
Selina Character Comedy Escalation Oh, the 'Lhasa Express' gives it five namastes.
Amy Wordplay/Pun Observational Callback Yes, in sleeping with my trainer, I did not exercise good judgment.
Leon West will not let go. He follows me around and thinks about me 24/7, nonstop. Cuckoo.
Selina Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm