A Woman First

Suddenly now white lives matter?

What is the host of Christmas past doing here?

'Cause all this learning is giving me a yamaka-ache.

Well, why should her cervix be any different than the rest of her?

She has a penis?

Did you put a towel or anything underneath her? Because, girls, this is imported French linen.

or even a garbage bag, you know, in case she leaks.

You could get murdered in my country for saying something like that.

From the moment I entered the the White House.

Now that's a pun!

Which, again, is tomorrow night, not tonight, despite the title.

Whatever happened to half a bottle of red wine and three Virginia Slims?

My cervix is as tight as a snare drum.

I once dry-shaved that woman's legs under her desk during a cabinet meeting.

I know how to spell my last name, Kent.

Are you fucking kidding? I'm not in here. I ruined her administration, like, four times. You'd think that'd count for something.

The shutdown really hurt you in Massachusetts' anus. AKA New Hampshire.

Whoa, I'm only up five on Skeevy Deevy?

I went to summer camp with that dude and he was too afraid to get changed in front of the other boys.

It was you. How do you know, Kent? Were you at that summer camp?

Are you out of your fucking mind? I still have my trust.

I mean, Jane... I will always remember Jane covering the moon landing. I mean, I studied that footage. That beautiful black and white stuff.

I told them you didn't want cake.

It's kind of like the wave in 'The Perfect Storm,' except in this case, the wave is made out of shit and our boat is also made out of shit.

This isn't an article, this is a gang bang on a pinball machine!

What have you and your 47 tangled chromosomes done?!

I should've gotten a diary with a little lock on it, but I didn't wanna lock myself out.

Well, now it's on top of you, it's knocked your teeth out, and it's making sweet love to your face!

God, get out of here, you great walrus Judas!

What's up, white boys? Yo, you guys ready to drop that rock?

Oh, God, who the fuck invited Dikembe Mutomtard?

Even Kobe Bryant wouldn't rape you in those things.

Balls are the only thing keeping me from choking on cocks. Without balls, I'd be swallowing dicks whole just like Joey Chestnut.

My presidency just got caught with a tranny hooker on Sunset Boulevard, and I have to make America think that I was just giving her a ride home.

In sleeping with my trainer, I think you could say I did not exercise good judgment.

And maybe give him some of that lesbian cooze potion.

You sound like the world's gayest AM radio show.

Come on, nobody's asking you to engage in some sort of human pleasurable activity. I know that's not your bag.

One of these days, she's gonna make that face and that eyeball of hers is gonna pop out and shoot across the room.

Woodward minus Bernstein plus Propecia.

and I do 'cause I slept with him for two years...

You can have Amy. You can have her. Probably better from behind, though, you know...

It is a toxic infant blowout out both diaper legs and up the back of the onesie.

We were telling so many lies, I had to write them down to keep them straight. Any decent lawyer would've told me to do that.

I was a patsy, but to my knowledge, this is just the tip of the iceberg. These revelations will continue to come out in a steady drip, drip, drip... like the leaky prison faucet I was forced to drink from.

Although, actually, one time, Andrew did hide one of his women in the closet, so she had reason to be somewhat alarmed.

Why is your plane always fueled? Well, you know, in case... Let's just say that I've got some cousins... who sometimes get very angry at some of your tall buildings.

Amy committed perjury today, written in crayon and mustard stains.

I thought about teaching high school, but, I mean, girls these days just can't keep a secret.

Yeah, she's telling Page Six that she and Brie are clam slamming. Vaginas are so gross. I wish I didn't have one. Sometimes I forget I do.

Well, the history books are being rewritten, and this time, it's not Texas saying Satan made fossils.

God bless the media and their 'fly hitting a windshield' attention span!

Take that cum shot in all four eyes, Leon.

It's gonna put a real turd in her chalupa.

The three Meyersketeers hang a shingle?

Shut the fuck up, you epileptic Picasso painting!

That tranny knuckle-dragger is my fiancée.

I am pulling this creature from the jizz lagoon right off the New Hampshire congressional ballot

Ezra has more raw political talent in the tip of his rosy-head pecker than you have in this mangled abortion coat hanger you should be ashamed to call your body.

Is that before or after I scheduled the surgery to cut my dick off so you could marry me?

He wants to gargle my nuts and tickle my taint?

Oh, the 'Lhasa Express' gives it five namastes.

Yes, in sleeping with my trainer, I did not exercise good judgment.

Leon West will not let go. He follows me around and thinks about me 24/7, nonstop. Cuckoo.