Groundbreaking

Staff member:Their response was no. [Yale rejected the library]

Leon West · News commentator:Freeing Tibet was a monumental achievement. Yes, it was. That was a success despite an almost pathological level of incompetence.

Leon West:Her biased discretion speaks well of her.

Andrew · Selina:You look absolutely radiant. Oh, thank you! Yes. Your stay in the insane asylum, it's really agreed with you. Oh. It was a spa.

Andrew:So what do you think? Three Meyer-sketeers hang a shingle?

Congressman Furlong · Jonah:Jonah! I'm pulling all my financial support. I am pulling this creature right off the congressional ballot and replacing him with his cousin Ezra.

Selina staffer:God, I really thought we were gonna win Guam.

Selina:Jesus, I need to get drunk and slop-fuck an intern.

Richard · Jonah:Jonie, look, I have a special treat... [box is revealed to be empty] See, the box is empty to show that all you need to be happy is right here. Well, that's stupid. Yeah, it was a waste of $30.

Jonah:In two years, I'm gonna run against my motard cousin, Ezra, who's been a congressman for, like, two days and he's already passed, like, 10 bills.

Richard · Jonah:Well, two years is a long time. I mean, you could petition for a recall if they weren't unconstitutional. Can I petition for a recall against Ezra? Unequivocally, no. That's a great idea. That's awesome.

Jonah:I'll let you be Aquaman. No tidal wave.

Richard · Jonah's mom:Does a rabbit need a yearly vaccination for myxomatosis? It does. Well, maybe. It depends on the rabbit. But, yes.

Jonah · Richard · Jonah's mom:Mom, can Richard stay the night? Can I please, Mrs. Ryan? Oh, sure! I'll make waffles for breakfast. Mom, I don't want waffles! Okay, then I won't make waffles.

Jaffar · Selina:My great-grandfather bought it for her with the money he made from his first major arms deal. Wow. Well, we'll have to see what I look like later wearing nothing but blood diamonds.

Passerby · Selina:It's the woman who freed Tibet! [Shouted by a passerby to Selina on the street]

Reporter · Selina · Gary:How come you never talk about your stay in Arizona? Oh, I love the Grand Canyon. That's not an answer. Look over here! Arizona? Yeah, it was a spa. It was just a spa.

Selina · Gary · Marjorie:You were here yesterday. That's right! They love you so much, they can't keep away. Ma'am, that was a month ago. Gary is humoring you.

Selina · Gary:Gary, are you sure that this isn't too much medication? People think we're married. I think it's the perfect amount.

Gary:Gary's response to the marriage comment: 'I think it's the perfect amount.' (referring to medication)

Andrew · Catherine · Selina:As soon as I heard what a vulnerable state you were in, I got on the first flight. Hi, Andrew. Okay, I'm gonna get the orderly with the big needles. Let's not do that.

Selina · Gary:He's like a bald dog with a bone.

Mike:Well, ma'am, a buddy of mine works at the 'Post' snack shop. He says Leon's on the outs. The editors think he's lost all sense of objectivity, and he's eating Luna bars for women.

Selina:He's like this demented creep who follows me around and gets all in my personal life and thinks about me 24-7, nonstop. Cuckoo!

Architect/staff · Selina:And so now the staircase goes right up and smashes through the glass ceiling. Exactly what it's like to be a woman.

Marjorie · Selina:It looks like a vagina, ma'am. See? Okay, that's from an expert.

Staff · Selina:What if you trim the topiary around the edge? That could help. Nobody's gonna trim the topiary. I'm not a porn star.

Staff member:You could be, but you chose politics.

Selina:What is this, the clitoris? You know what would be funny? We should put the men's bathroom there. They'll never find it.

Marjorie · Selina · Staff:Well, actually, ma'am, the female pleasure center is quite extensive. Ah. Uh, no, it's not. And that's the crypt, ma'am. Right, that's what I just said. No, the crypt. What?

Selina · Staff:I'm gonna be buried there? Yeah, most of the formers are buried at their libraries.

Selina · Mike:See, that wouldn't have happened if I paid you more. More? You never... Now, ma'am, there is a problem.

Selina:I'm not gonna have my vagi-brary underground railroaded by this.

Mike:But he's Italian, so he knows how to keep bodies buried.

Catherine · Selina:Slaves, Mother? ... Okay, Cat... what room is this, Catherine? ... I mean, when did we build an Indian casino gift shop? It's the nursery. Seriously? My God. Well, where are the toys? Or is the baby gonna play chess against death?

Selina:Listen to me, Catherine Kinte...

Selina:Okay, so you wanna talk about second-class citizens? You wanna do that? Blacks got the vote in 1870. When did women get the vote? 1920! Sistas!

Mike:Well, the Voting Rights Act was in 1965.

Catherine · Selina:Mom, you are going to be the grandmother of a child that is half black. And 1/16 French Huguenot.

Selina:I cannot stand that term. No, I'm talking about grandmother. Okay? I am still a young woman. Yes. Really! Look at my hands. Look at my neck, okay? I am not about to be buried in a twat of my own making!

Aide · Ben · Selina:Vice President Selina Meyer to see the president. Oh, hey, Ben. Madam Vice President. How are you? I'm good, thank you. The president is very, very busy right now. Why don't I show you your office first? Oh, sure. Yeah! Okay? Right across the street here. What? The EEOB?

Selina:'Nobody likes a tattletale, Marjorie.'

Selina · Ben:Okay, I haven't spoken to my neighbors in my entire fucking life. I don't even know who they are. Oh, be glad. I've met them.

Selina:All right? You and I both know that Hughes would never do this if I was a male VP. We'd be out, shotgun and beers and sucking each other off like Carter and Mondale.

Ben:The president doesn't actually want you to do anything other than continue to be a woman, which you're doing a pretty okay job at.

Ben:I'm trying to cut down on exercise, okay? He'll call you if he needs you.

Selina · Amy:We are going to be in the EEOB. Oh. Yeah. No, it's good. I'm thinking we need to distance ourselves from this sort of 'one and done' administration. So, this is your decision?

Jonah · Selina · Amy:I am... oh, I am a West Wing intern. Oh, congratulations. Okay. I just wanna say it's such an honor to meet you. The only reason that I voted for Hughes is because you were on the ticket. Well, I'm sure you're not alone.

Selina · Jonah:Maybe we can pull some strings and get you assigned to the EEOB. Yeah... maybe.

Furlong · Jonah · Selina:One... get the fuck away from me. Two... stay the fuck away from me. Okay? Can you do that? Yes, sir. I won't let you down. God, I love interns.

Congressman:Pass mandatory sentencing laws for vagrancy. Then these unfortunates will finally have a home... My prisons.

Congressman:Look, I hate the homeless as much as any librarian. That's why God created subzero winters and the third rail.

Congressman · Will:chances of me pushing for any tax incentives for these private hoosegows is about as likely as what, Will? As me walking out of a bar with less than 10 types of semen in my hair.

Congressman Furlong:I can't believe you're actually showing that camel snatch you call a face in DC. You're about as welcome here as Jerry Sandusky at an open call for 'Oliver.'

Furlong:Here, you want a dried apricot? They're Turkish. Anything I can do to annoy the Armenians.

Furlong · Jonah:Oh, hey, Jonah, can we get lunch sometime? I wanna talk about you being the legal guardian to my baby if anything happens to me and Mary, okay? Yeah, sure.

Congressman · Jonah:Congressman on Brokeback Mountain: 'It's like that fagela cowboy movie. "I can't quit you."' / Jonah: 'Yes, thank you, sir. Butch and Sundance.'

Furlong:No! From now on, I'm only buying senators and presidents.

Furlong · Jonah:We'll always have the shutdown, won't we? Huge miscalculation.

Selina · Mayor Thompson:Mayor Thompson, I hope you'll support me in November in the Senate contest. Absolutely, Congresswoman Meyers. Thank you. No, op, op, op. It's Meyer. There's no 'S' at the end... Oh, Jewish.

Selina:Oh, what a great county this is. I just love... everybody here is so well-behaved and polite. Thank you! What joy! We gotta go. It is like Selinamania, right?

Mike · Selina:Selina, we are fucked two ways which till Tuesday. What are you talking about? We've completely spent all of our TV money. Well, who's in charge of that? Technically, I am, but when you buy these ads...

Selina · Andrew:Hey, Andrew, we have gotta fire that Mike guy. He's the biggest goddamn idiot I've ever... Selina! Hey! Uh, boy, I got... Can you believe I put a pen in my pocket without a cap? And Sally was helping me get the stain out.

Selina · Sally:Yeah, you know, I wish your husband was here because I would love for him to hear about the story of you and Andrew on the bus with the pen. Let me get my checkbook.

Selina · Sally:why don't you put your money where your mouth was... is... And add another zero? That should be no problem. Oh, goody!

Amy · Danny Chung:How about an interview with the soldier that you pulled from the tank? That's an excellent idea. Yeah, thank you. But best not to contact him for personal reasons, or, really, anyone who saw it. I don't wanna retrigger.

Chung · Amy:Ready for a change, ready for Chung. Ready for a 'chunge.' First 'chunge,' we're gonna fix that slogan. Really? I'm kidding. It's great.

Chung · Dan · Amy:Give us a little touch of the feminine. You and I could split those duties. Yeah, I think I, uh... I've been waiting a long time for us to get together. There it is. There we go. Back at full strength!

Chung · Dan · Amy:Oh, Amy's out. No! Thanks for coming in, Ame. No! We're not gonna validate your parking. You don't mind that, do you?

Jaffar · Selina:Okay, so Lu wants to meet in Hong Kong to talk Brazil. We'll leave Friday. That's so funny because the lady who does my Brazilian is from Hong Kong. Oh! It's Kismit. I know. It really is, isn't it? No, her name is Kismit. They make her use Linda, but...

Jaffar · Selina:You know, my favorite cousin Hamid went here. He partied his balls off. Oh, my God, we should've invited him to come to the thing today. Oh, he's not exactly on the yes-fly list.

Catherine · Selina · Marjorie:Mom, I'm so glad my doctor cleared me to come today. But you gotta be careful with that McLintock cervix of yours. Oh, it's incompetent cervix, ma'am. That's what I said, Marjorie. Zing! You got me, ma'am.

Quartermaster/Quartie · Selina:My God, looks like Queen Kong's cooter. That's what we were going for! ... That ain't the first time I spent 20 million on a piece of pussy. Oh, good on you, Quartie.

Selina · Gary:'The chicken, right?' — Selina confuses a decision about who runs the library with a previous chicken discussion

Yale President Jim:Well, I've got a professor of gender studies suing for tenure. You can imagine what that's about.

Yale President Jim:If it were up to me, we'd be putting up drywall on your vagina building today.

Yale President Jim · Selina:with the lawsuit and with one of our adjuncts in the Hillel function with the sombrero... I don't know what that is.

Yale President Jim · Selina:After all, this is Yale, not Brown. I got waitlisted there. Oh, oh, ow, ow, ow!

Yale President Jim:The KKK... that's the Kool Kweers of Kolor... is having a 'pee-in' in front of Skull and Bones.

Selina:Yale pulled out without even coming on my tits? Things sure have changed since I went to college.

Doctor Sengupta · Selina:Doctor says name; Selina mishears: 'Sengupta.' / 'Gundupta.' / 'I'm gonna get you a cookie.'

Doctor/Nurse · Catherine:Have you decided on a name? No. What's your name? Sandra. Yeah, not that.

Gary:Hi, I'm Gary. Hi. I ground these myself. Okay. The hospital ones are so big.

Gary · Doctor Sengupta:Okay, Doctor... Sengupta. Gundupta. I'm gonna get you a cookie.

Catherine · Nurse Sandra:Can you write down your number in case we have any questions about it? Okay. You can give it to my husband, Andrew. Hi.

Catherine's partner/Marjorie · Selina · Catherine:I think I wanna run for Congress. Huh. Oh, some black shit is coming out of it. Good... yeah. Loud. It's so loud. I've never heard anything quite like... ooh. Ugh, it's loud.

Marjorie:Well, if we're judging by sex organs, which apparently we're not, it's a boy.

Selina:Selina comments on the baby's loudness: 'Loud. It's so loud. I've never heard anything quite like... ooh. Ugh, it's loud.'

Selina · Unnamed woman (Selina's mother?):I'll just give him a boop-boop, pat-pat. Monnie. Oh! Grandma! Yeah. Congratulations. Okay, when did you come back into the picture? What do you mean? Nope. Mm-mm.

Selina · Catherine:Selina arrives late: 'You went ahead without me.' / 'The baby has my elbows.'

Catherine · Monica (TV chef) · Selina:Oh, my God, I can't believe it! You're Monica from 'Monica.' It is a dream of mine to cook with you someday. It's my dream, too. Aw, well, we should make that happen. I'll get your number. Absolutely, we should make that happen. Go, just go.

Selina · Richard:Okay, so what are we calling him? Aluminum? Tenafly? Ribbon? We haven't landed on a name yet. I don't mind Tenafly. You know, what about Richard? That would be kind of cute 'cause then we could call him Little Richard. Love! I was actually named after my godmother, Richardina. Everybody just called her Regina.

Selina · Andrew:Baby name suggestions: 'Aluminum? Tenafly? Ribbon?' / 'I don't mind Tenafly.'

Richard:Richard's name origin: 'I was actually named after my godmother, Richardina. Everybody just called her Regina. Oh, boy. You know what, actually, I probably wasn't named after her.'

Jaffar:So, in the Quran, it is recommended that upon the birth of a child, a father should slaughter two goats. However, out of respect for your veganism, I got you the wipe warmer instead.

Andrew · Jaffar · Selina:Ambassador Jaffar, if I could nibble your ear for a moment about a sand opportunity I'm currently involved with. I'm all set with sand. But this is beach sand. He doesn't want sand.

Selina:I would rather never have a presidential library than to have one that is built on the backs of dead slaves. Shame on Yale. And shame on Amy Brookheimer. Yes. Oh, and this is my lesbian daughter's Native American lesbian life partner, Marjorie.

Selina:Selina's speech: 'as the proud grand... Mother.'

Selina:'And this is my lesbian daughter's Native American lesbian life partner, Marjorie.'

Selina · Catherine:Both my daughter and my mother have struggled greatly with very serious mental health problems. What? Don't worry, it runs in my family, too.

Catherine · Selina:Catherine: 'What?' / Selina: 'Don't worry, it runs in my family, too.'

Selina · Amy:I dreamt that I removed Leon West's balls with an ice cream scoop and I think I actually came. Is everything always ice cream with you?

Amy:Why? Why would you Kurt Cobain your own library?

Selina:Because, girlie, only former presidents have libraries. And I'm running for president.

Dan · Mike · Selina:The band is getting back together again! Who cc'd Mike? I get it, I'm Ringo. No, Amy's Ringo. You're Mark David Chapman's bullet.

Dan:Tibet! Tibet! It's all Tibet! We are gonna ride that Dalai Lama like Mrs. Lama on book club night.

Dan · Selina:And what about Montez? She's a Mexican who stole your job. She did, in fact, steal my job. Her numbers are under agua.

Selina · Team:To Team Meyer. Team Meyer! Second time's the charm. It's actually fourth. Fourth. Fourth time's the charm. Yeah, that's fourth, ma'am.

Richard:Beats working for Jonah. Yeah.

Amy · Selina:There's just one last thing you need to do. Mm, I'm not gonna do that. Selina, you have to do it. Mm-mm.

Jaffar · Selina:You know, there's a restaurant in Kowloon that has a clay-baked chicken dish that you have to order 24 hours in advance. Yeah, Jaffar, I can't. I understand. 24 hours seems like a lot of hoopla for chicken, doesn't it?

Jaffar · Selina:Muslim baggage? Jaffar, you are so sophisticated... And your grasp of geopolitics is just... And those are assets anywhere in the world except... In America? In the United States, yeah. And most of Europe, except Germany, you know, 'cause they overcorrect.

Jaffar · Selina:Jaffar takes the ring back. Visual beat: Selina silently accepts this.

Selina · Ben:How are the girls and Big and Little Richard doing? How are your kids, Ben? Ooh, touché.

Dan · Ben:I was here in 2012, 'Steve Bing'd' a couple stewardesses. Will you stop being exactly like yourself? You're fucking ruining this.

Amy · Dan:Yeah, well, I'm pregnant and it's yours. Ladies and gentlemen... Fuck!

Selina:There's been a lot of speculation about me running for president. Again.

Selina:from Palo Alto to Hollywood, from Iowa to New Hampshire, and from the Hamptons to Wall Street. I'm going to be with the real folks out there.

Selina:I wanna feel their feelings and I wanna hear their speakings.

Selina · Crowd member:I could've gone anywhere. But I didn't. I chose the South Bronx so I could feel and smell what America was all about. It smells good!

Jonah:Washington insiders, they didn't like me very much. So let's send them a message by shoving the guy that they hate the most right back in their faces.

Jonah:which basically means I'm definitely running. God bless New Hampshire. God bless the United States of America and Puerto Rico... if they can vote for president... And God bless Jonah Ryan.

Selina (as teacher) · Student:Okay, people, look, the president can only do so much without the cooperation of the Congress... I can't impress upon you enough that this process only works when there's bipartisan communication. That is what the Constitution requires, right? Okay, you in the back. Uh, will this be on the final?

Selina:And if you wanna know something about government, watch this film 'Air Force One.' It's a good movie. Shows you what a president can do. Nice to meet you, and I'll see you guys Wednes... Tuesday.